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Recovering from dating mistakes

A reader emailed me because she is in a bit of  pickle with her new guy.  This weekend he caught her going through his cell phone.  She claims her curiosity got the best of her because he is one of those “heavy texters” and she wanted to know if any of them were dirty texts with other women.

This is one of those awkward situations that is really tough to recover from.  Most men don’t want to think you are an insecure woman who has trust issues.  Even if this is the actual truth, you just can’t convince them you won’t let it be an ongoing problem after you have shown this side of you.

Have you ever made a really stupid mistake with someone in the “honeymoon phase” of a new dating relationship?  Were you able to dial it back and make things better?

How forgiving should we be when someone has shown bad judgment?

What is the best way to show someone that your one slip-up shouldn’t be the deal breaker that torpedoes your chances with them?

473 comments Add your comment

YESSHEISCUTE

September 30th, 2010
10:00 am

LOL @ AMAZON based off the comments on this blog he might have purposely left to see if you would do that. I bet you won’t do THAT again! Well we all have our moments. That was the first time I’d ever done anything like that. But my bf was eavesdropping on a conversation of mine. I can’t prove it but I’m pretty sure b/c I heard a noise like something falling on the other side of the door…..door to my closet. I don’t have any pets so who else would be right behind the door he probably tripped on a shoe or something. I never said anything to him about the “noise” I let that one go….that was WAYYY before the wallet situation so whatever….we’re even now :) hehehe.

AmazonRed™

September 30th, 2010
10:02 am

Raqi – He said he was picking up the tab. Had I offered or agreed to leave the tip it would have been different. He didn’t need me cleaning up behind him!

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
10:02 am

Mdot, I don’t agree with setting someone up. First of all it shows trust issues within yourself. Now what happens when the woman is not a snooper but she catches you setting her up or trying to watch her from a cracked bathroom door? Who’s looking like a deer caught in headlights then?

Yeah some people are just nosy and don’t respect other people’s personal space but most don’t even think to look thru phones and computers unless they have been given a reason to do so. When you behavior starts making a person question your actions than usually when the need to find out if you need to get out comes into play.

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
10:03 am

Diana, I am looking for it

Leggs ~ Smiling

September 30th, 2010
10:04 am

Good morning everyone!

Before I read other posts, let me say that going through someone’s phone is a definite NO NO! And, for this to be a new relationship and already showing signs of insecurity is probably the beginning of the end of this budding relationship.

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
10:05 am

I usually tip 18 to 20% it would bother me if someone checked how much I tipped. It’s none of her business, she should no me better than that and not feel that she has to check behind me.

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 30th, 2010
10:06 am

@Raqi

How am I wrong for coming out the shower and her going thru MY stuff?

So have you ever went thru a guys things in ANY capacity?

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

September 30th, 2010
10:07 am

“I bet atleast 85% of those busted would be women.”

Purple — And I bet 75% of those would have a look on their faces like “who the f__k is Becky?!?!?”

Chink

September 30th, 2010
10:07 am

Snooping …Yes I have. Currently what I do is a scan…making sure everything is how I left it. I do admit that I snooped though because if I find something that catches me off guard I will let him know …nobody has broken up with me thus far for it rather its been the other way around… :roll:

czBrat

September 30th, 2010
10:08 am

HiYas!

have never and will never spy on a man. if i cannot trust you, i need not be with you. easy breezy. same thing applies to me, which is why s/o constant questions used to bug me to no end. turns out his love language is “communication”. ugh! :lol:

anywho … Slim, please come if you can. it’s just a lil sumptn to do on a breezy friday eve.

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
10:08 am

Amazon, I get that, but some people are just not good tippers. Some people really don’t understand the 15-18% gratuity and how servers make less than minimum wage.

I think your offense is passable. LOL Pass go and collect $200.

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
10:08 am

Swiss, you nede to go ahead and design that site. You could make money off of sponsors :)

Mo (aka Moeisha )

September 30th, 2010
10:09 am

Morning All!

Simple Man – I have that collection, definitely a must have. Im jammin to Rahsaan Patterson right now. Trying to get into a work mode, its gonna be a busy one.

How is everyone?

wassup 2CPTG?

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:10 am

Purple, I don’t have your email.
Simple: there is a golf clinic Saturday I might go to if I can come up with some bread for shoes, balls (giggle), and a glove.

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
10:10 am

Mdot, I did not say you were wrong for her going thru your stuff. I said I don’t agree with setting people up as you mentioned peeping from another room.

Setting someone up and spying on them shows that YOU have trust issues yourself. That’s the point I was making.

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
10:11 am

Mo (aka Moeisha )

September 30th, 2010
10:13 am

Oh and on topic: snooping….I aint havin it and Im not doin the snooping. Been there, done that, got a few battle scars to prove it.

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 30th, 2010
10:14 am

@Raqi

Ok so we should just let people invade our privacy even if we just met them?

Also, have YOU ever went through a guys belongings?

Blackfoote

September 30th, 2010
10:14 am

Hi ARED,Leggs, and blue…….A lady can ask me anything she want got nothing to hide, she can be as nosy as can be. Just ask if you need to see my phone list or anything else.

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
10:15 am

Unfortunately for babygirl, she just needs to be prepared to deal with the fallout of her own insecurities. Good, bad or ugly.

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:16 am

M.
How old are you again?
Look, she was wrong for snooping but in my opinion , you were playing childish games as well . If you thought for one moment that she may go thru your stuff, why did you provide the opportunity? Why did you even let her in your home? WHy did you even bother laying up with her?

blue™

September 30th, 2010
10:17 am

@i am – Blue: Why do they hold us accountable for what they went thru with the ex? SMDH..i have no idea why it works that way, but it does go both ways…ive been a victim of the shadow of a bad ex, and i have made others the victim…its a d@mn conundrum
@M. – we really dont know too much about them other than what they are showing us – there is that, i guess the idea of blind faith is a bit far fetched, just seems nutso to start the prying and snooping when he/she has given you no cause to doubt, you just dont have proof in your hand. i figure if im really interested/suspicious of whats in your phone, im just gonna (and have) ask for your phone, take it where it goes from there…

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
10:18 am

I am…PGA Superstore off of 85 near Pleasant Hill… You can get shoes there for a really good price, and since you are just learning, get balls and a glove from Target (CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP)

czBrat

September 30th, 2010
10:18 am

M., i get your 9:55. i do. but i say just be yourself and be patient. our truths will come out in time. if you’re in no hurry to jump into bed or jump into love, you’ll have time enough to see what the real deal is and come to terms with what you’re bringing to the relationship. no need to pull an i-spy routine just cuz you want to hurry up and have all the answers NOW. what if you misunderstand something you’ve snooped out? now you’ll make a wrong judgement and possibly find yourself trying to make it up so someone who no longer wants anything to do with you. ijs.

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 30th, 2010
10:20 am

@I am what

The reason I left the shower was to grab something and I saw her snooping. It wasnt intentional but it just happened that way. The reason I said that in my post is that I am sure you can catch somebody like that.

How was I supposed to know she would go thru my stuff? It wasnt written on her forehead. Somethings you dont find out until the opportunity presents itself.

Who knows, she could have been a snooper the entire time and hid it until she got the chance to snoop!

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

September 30th, 2010
10:21 am

“Swiss, you nede to go ahead and design that site. You could make money off of sponsors”

Purple — That’s a good idea. It could be the dude’s equivalent of dontdatehimgirl.com:

shesatriflingbytch.com

:lol:

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
10:22 am

After having a couple of bad relationship experiences brought about by mistrust and infidelity, I found myself becoming cynical and distrusting and that was poisoning relationships before they ever had a chance.

I had to get to a point where I made a conscious decision to believe what a person told me until they proved they could be trusted or not. At the same time, I have learned that I still need to pay attention to a person’s action to see if those actions line up with their words and stated intent.

I don’t want to be a bitter bytch, but at the same time, I don’t want to be anybody’s fool either.

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:23 am

M. : my advise to you would be don’t let people in your abode until you really have grown to trust them.
I can’t just let anybody in my house.

Swiss: I think the site you are looking for is http://www.dontwifeher.com

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 30th, 2010
10:24 am

@Blog

So how many of you here would switch phones with your significant other for a day?

Before people start mentioning excuses like “Well I need my phone for my business contacts, family, etc) (you can forward calls to your SO phone for the day).

How many of you would do it? Lets keep it REAL!

Leggs ~ Smiling

September 30th, 2010
10:25 am

@M. ~ I wouldn’t mind. Nothing in my phone to hide. Seriously, HE might have a problem switching with me, but naw, I’ll be cool with it!

Melo!

September 30th, 2010
10:26 am

Good morning y’all!!

I think I am one if the most secure dudes.

I don’t snoop. I would noting her snooping if I like her.
If I don’t, then yeah, we got a problem.

Insecure chics can be so much fun dealing with to a degree. I do like a bit of drama, not too much!

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

September 30th, 2010
10:26 am

Dang it! Somebody beat me to it…

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:27 am

Simple dude: I pulled up the superstore online and the prices are expensive, I can find something comparable without having to drive all over town. THanks for the tip though

Oh yea, I was thinking the same thing about Target for balls and a glove
I’ll be there .

Question: can I get away with wearing jeans?
Funds a little low right now to buy clothes when I am working to lose weight and won’t be in my current size much longer.

blue™

September 30th, 2010
10:27 am

@Blackfoote – heeyy there…im with you, and its the statement i have given friends and SOs forever – ask me whatever you want, no need to snoop and play the “can i ask you a question” bit…ask what you want, i’ll either answer it or i wont…and if im not gonna answer, i’ll make sure you know it, no confusion, we’ll navigate from there…dont got time for games

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

September 30th, 2010
10:27 am

i am… — You don’t have a profile on that site, do you…? ;-) :lol:

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 30th, 2010
10:27 am

@I am whatever you say I am™

I think trust is a factor but I think it just boils down to human curiosity.

Like Wise said the person was a text type so I guess homegirl wanted to see what was up.

Have you and @Raqi EVER went through a guys belongings or anything that wasnt yours?

Definition of belongings:

Pockets, Phone, Email, Text Messages, Glove Compartment, Dresser?

2CPTG©

September 30th, 2010
10:28 am

Hey Raqi…you know I love me some you, as well….

Hey Mo….you can borrow my phone if you want….

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
10:29 am

Mdot, no you don’t just let people go thru your stuff. You call them out when you see them doing it. Why the need for the setup? That’s just playing games.

And yes I have looked in my man’s wallet and I have scrolled thru his phone with him sitting right there beside me. I wasn’t looking to catch him on anything I was just looking to see what was in there.

And yes I did look for a particular something with a guy that was seeing once and my “suspicion was confirmed. But the thing is the suspicion came first.

When I start to feel that I cannot trust someone I tend to break away. All that setting folks up has a tendency to backfire and you be the one caught.

Melo!

September 30th, 2010
10:29 am

Would not mind her snooping if I like her

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
10:30 am

I would swap phones with my wife, we do it all the time and not on purpose. LOL we have the same type of phone

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:31 am

Purple: I emailed you.

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:32 am

no swiss! LOL!

True story: I found an ex on dontdatehimgirl.com
WOW! his ex before me opened a whole can of worms!

SlimNumeroUno

September 30th, 2010
10:33 am

My sis is going through this with her bf of which they just broke up yesterday. He sent her a text this morning saying he checked her phone records this morning too… WTF!

I do not want to be a snooper…I was in my relationship that lasted too long after certain things started not to add up. Now I try not to go looking for anything, don’t even want to get started because once you peep, then you turn into a full fledge snooper sniper. He leaves his phone laying around me and vice versa. If he goes in his phone, he doesn’t hide the code and I surely don’t try to remember it to even be tempted to go looky lookying. I also get left in his crib alone OFTEN and I don’t go through drawers, closets, mail…the fridge maybe but that’s about it. lol

AmazonRed™

September 30th, 2010
10:33 am

Hi ARED,Leggs, and blue…….A lady can ask me anything she want got nothing to hide, she can be as nosy as can be. Just ask if you need to see my phone list or anything else

:D

Ideally, I’d like to get to a point where no one has to “check,” it just is what it is. I’ll call my sister sometimes, and her husband (my brother in law) will answer. There’s never a “why are you answering my phone” nonsense. The phone is ringing pick it up. If you’re not doing dirt, there should be no problem.

Back in the days of landlines, it had to be that way.

M. (pronouced Mdot)

September 30th, 2010
10:34 am

@Raqi

Like I said in my 10:20 post, I was coming out the shower and happened to catch her. I was giving a tip on how I caught her by mistake. Wasnt trying to. It was INCIDENTAL!

“And yes I have looked in my man’s wallet and I have scrolled thru his phone with him sitting right there beside me. I wasn’t looking to catch him on anything I was just looking to see what was in there.”

But this contradicts everything you said earlier. If you trust him etc, dont worry about whats in my wallet and phone. Im here sitting with you so worry about that.

If you have suspicions, just break away then!

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:35 am

M.L : I have never quite felt a good vibe from you.
one of the reasons why I removed you from my friends list on facebook
I hope you don’t take offense to that.
I think that because of this vibe, may be the reason why you attract scandalous women to date.
M. Namaste!
remove the negative energy from yourself, pray, light a candle, sumthing!

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
10:35 am

“we have the same type of phone”

That reminds me of the movie Brown Sugar and that’s how Dre finds out his wife is cheating. The scene where he busts her in the restaurant is hilarious.

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
10:36 am

Oh…that just reminded me of my favorite line from that movie….

“You are the perfect verse over a tight beat.”

czBrat

September 30th, 2010
10:36 am

SexyC, ditto your 10:22. but i was determined not to let my ex’s antics turn me into a distrusting snoop for the next guy. i let them do what they do and pray for my own strength and sanity come what may. just keep a watchful eye and be ever so cautious.

Blackfoote

September 30th, 2010
10:37 am

@ M. No problem here. Just ask me.