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Recovering from dating mistakes

A reader emailed me because she is in a bit of  pickle with her new guy.  This weekend he caught her going through his cell phone.  She claims her curiosity got the best of her because he is one of those “heavy texters” and she wanted to know if any of them were dirty texts with other women.

This is one of those awkward situations that is really tough to recover from.  Most men don’t want to think you are an insecure woman who has trust issues.  Even if this is the actual truth, you just can’t convince them you won’t let it be an ongoing problem after you have shown this side of you.

Have you ever made a really stupid mistake with someone in the “honeymoon phase” of a new dating relationship?  Were you able to dial it back and make things better?

How forgiving should we be when someone has shown bad judgment?

What is the best way to show someone that your one slip-up shouldn’t be the deal breaker that torpedoes your chances with them?

473 comments Add your comment

blue™

September 30th, 2010
9:00 am

Morning all….turning the lights on…hmmm…ok whats the alarm code again…..

Dan - simply...

September 30th, 2010
9:01 am

Eeeewww

You went through his phone?

Bad form.

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
9:05 am

Morning Dan…Blue whats up friend????

2CPTG©

September 30th, 2010
9:07 am

morning…

so this is a new relationship, and you’re going through his phone??? yeah, he oughta fire your ass with the quickness!

Also, I ain’t trynna be funny, but if she’s a reader (lurker), why didn’t she just pose her question on the blog? It’s obvious she wants feedback; But she’s still dead wrong….this ain’t yo dude, you’re an aspirant, lil mama…..stay in yo lane til you get elevated to girlfriend, but more than likely, you don’ kilt that notion!

SlimNumeroUno

September 30th, 2010
9:08 am

Morning folks!

Corporate has been parading around here so I haven’t been able to sneak in here all week. I got an invitation for a blog meet up but am not sure how that came about…can someone enlighten me on that.

Um, getting caught going through an SO’s phone is a hard one to recover from. Wise, do we know what his reaction was?

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
9:13 am

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. She introduced distrust to the relationship. He should get out of it early. If it were truely a one time occorence it is up to him to decide if she is being sincere or is she just talking because she got caught. My stupid mistakes were just me being independent and not used to operating in a relationship. Like just making stops on the way home for hours or not letting her know I was safe or made it to my destination and just being out to late for a guy who is dating. Those types of things. I dialed it back by just giving her what I expected from her. I also dated a woman who alwaya pointed out my mistakes every other day….my mistake was dealing with her for to long after I figured I loved myself more than here I left and that’s how I fixed that. :)

blue™

September 30th, 2010
9:14 am

@Simple Man – hey there…changing into my office shoes…trying to get into work mode…yuo?

i just cant see sneaking thru your phone…esp not while we’re still new…to me that shows a lack of trust/maturity/communication…and if this is how it starts, how will things be in 6 months…honestly im thinking of this is a new relationship, he doesnt necessarily owe her forgiveness on that one….

Dan - simply...

September 30th, 2010
9:14 am

@SM

‘Sup

@2

I was just thinking “if he’s still talking to you…”

Diamond Girl

September 30th, 2010
9:16 am

Going through another person’s phone is just plain wrong whether you are in a long term relationship or honeymooning! GIRLZ, GET WHOLE with yourself and stop wasting time “fretting” about his potential mis-doings. A man (and woman) will do what they wish to do regardless of your ”psychotic’ snooping behavior. To spend your time gaining proof that he/she is stepping out on you is a SIGN THAT YOU DON’T trust him/her. Without trust you don’t have much. Further, if you are not in a monogmous committed relationship, she/he can do as she/he chooses. This is a behavior that never turns out positively!!!!! Date someone you feel you can trust without wondering……….You end up with the choice you make!

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
9:20 am

Blue…. Trying to get this day done so that I can start my weekend!!!My biggest dating mistake is one that I continue to make even when I am trying not to…I find someone I might be interested in, and I continue to be “Friendly” with other women. Not hooing up on the sly friendly, but flirty enough that the main point of interest is put off…

DC Rose

September 30th, 2010
9:21 am

blue – 053441

I’m so glad I went through my ex’s phone. He was a skilled but stupid liar. In my own defense, I could have continued to blindly believe what he was telling me, or acknowledge that things just didn’t add up.

I think when trust is an issue, even if it’s at the beginning of a relationship, it sticks and kinda creates a situation that is always there, even if it’s below the surface. Normal people don’t wake up suspicious of their mate. Something drives them there.

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
9:22 am

Completely random…Barry Whites’ “Ultimate Collection” is a great listen…I need to put this back into the rotation!

Poppa Grande

September 30th, 2010
9:23 am

Good Morning, all….

Gettting caught going through another person’s cellphone without their permission?!
In the words of the Detective in Menace II Society:
“You know you done f’d up, don’t you? You know it, don’t you? You know you done f’d up. ”

Seriously, I think that most men have a your with me or you against me mentality. If you act like a spy, then you are against me.

In the words of Wilie Wonka,
“You lose! Good Day!”

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
9:24 am

“……….A reader emailed me because she is in a bit of pickle with her new guy. This weekend he caught her going through his cell phone……….”

Wize Diva: Let’s be real.. Were you that “friend”?
Quit going thru dude’s phone!!!!!!!! That’s why you single!
SMH!
:evil:

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
9:25 am

SUP BLUE AND SIMPLE DUDE!

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
9:25 am

SUP 2C! (USE A BOY!)
:twisted:

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
9:27 am

I Am, are you the real I Am? Your demeanor has changed the last two days.

YESSHEISCUTE

September 30th, 2010
9:27 am

I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar before! My boyfriend had just finish fixing his car and was test driving it. I was waiting in his other car b/c we were supposed to be going to his parents “in a minute” he said he left his wallet and his phone. Oddly enough he’s not a phone person so I really wasn’t interested in the phone but was curious what he had in his wallet (I didnt think I would find anything incriminating just being nosy for no reason)….well I should have put it down when I saw his car in the rearview pass by but then I figured he was still driving but he comes out of nowhere and caught me in his wallet….of course I had to act nonchalant like oh hey I was just looking in your wallet being nosy. and he was like why were you going through my wallet that’s messed up i would never go in your stuff like that. I was like “you wouldnt” trying to feign like that’s normal…once that didn’t work i just was like ok you’re right I was just being nosy I should have just asked first but I was waiting in the car it was just there. That was so embarrassing!!!!! I won’t do that again.

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
9:28 am

Morning I Am….You good today???

YESSHEISCUTE

September 30th, 2010
9:30 am

btw we are still together. This was about a month ago we been dating since last november. I was forgiven but I not doing that again!

Dirty Diana ♠ Green, again?

September 30th, 2010
9:32 am

Hola!

On topic: When we discussed this topic before I mentioned my parents raised me to respect other folks privacy. Growing up we did not go in my mother’s purse, or pick through my father’s things. So, as an adult I still have massive respect for others and their privacy. IMO, you should (1) calm down , (2) if you are that insecure seek help to overcome and (3) stop with the snooping.

I guess I take this one personally, because I had an ex that went through my personal things, and tried to bring up what he saw in general conversation. smdh.

blue™

September 30th, 2010
9:35 am

@DC – hey lady, whats the 053441? sounds like the ex gave you reason to suspect, and i dont mean to say that there arent times the suspicion is deserved…just the story sounds as if their still at the beginning and he texts a lot? imo, thats not enough to call for spy behaviour…and im wondering why she didnt just ask him?
@PG – willie wonka had all the wisdom, lol

I AMMMMM!!

ive kept my crazy under lock long enough to get out of the honeymoon phase b4 it comes out, but i have had some issues giving trust to new SO because of cr@ppy exSO…we actually had to have the “lifetime movie” convo of you cant keep pushing me away because ex broke your trust, and then major rehab on my part, lol…but seems the only way to fix those major issues is to show the other person just how hard your working, if they think your half@ssing it, kiss it goodbye

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 30th, 2010
9:35 am

Good day…

I have made a few mistakes in the game and I have learned the best thing to do is to move past it and do your best to repair your image to them. I am not saying being fake, but think twice next time.

Its funny that she went through his phone because this is really happening alot. You get on your significant others laptop and and they left their email open. I know it is taking all you have to not read the sent inbox and regular inbox!

FYI Guys, here is a trick if you ever want to catch a woman going through your stuff:

What I would do is if I am showering, I would finish but leave the shower running and just crack the door…You will be amazed at what you will see. I saw a woman going through my dresser like Beverly Hills Cop!

Dirty Diana ♠ Green, again?

September 30th, 2010
9:36 am

@ YESSHEISCUTE, so did you count his money or look at his pictures? Well I guess with cellphones people don’t keep pics in their wallets now…LOL I know that was awkard, and I am glad he was forgiving. I would rather someone not snoop in my belongings, but if they had to I would rather they snoop in my wallet, instead of my phone (I have text messages, pics, four email accounts, FB, phonebook etc connected to my phone).

YESSHEISCUTE

September 30th, 2010
9:37 am

DIRTY DIANA you’re real name doesnt happen to be Janelle does it? lol Sounds like something my friend just told me

Blackfoote

September 30th, 2010
9:39 am

Morning Everyone!

Had this happen to me lady deleted all female numbers including my sisters and mom numbers. Have to agree with you (DirtyD) snooping is just wrong. She no longer is my friend.

Dirty Diana ♠ Green, again?

September 30th, 2010
9:39 am

@YESSHEISCUTE, no ma’am…LOL.

Breakingofdawn

September 30th, 2010
9:41 am

I’m a private person, even though I don’t have anything to hide I would not continue to date someone that was snopping through my phones. So the basic rule on this do unto others as you would have them do to you. If dude is a heavy “texter” while he and I are spending quality time together. Then he will slowly be edited out of my space.

DC Rose

September 30th, 2010
9:43 am

Blue – that’s the security code. ;)

DD – I was raised the same way. No snooping, respect peoples privacy and belongings, knock on closed doors… and without suspecting that something was up and feeling like I was being lied to, I would never have invaded his privacy. NOW ~ if I get a tiny inkling that something’s not right, I ask a direct question and expect an honest answer.

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
9:44 am

2CPTG, I love me some you like a third brother. LOL

That statement about waiting until she is “girlfriend” just concretes what I have said many times. Certain privileges and benefits do come with certain positions in life before the vows are stated. The more committed the relationship the more privacy to that person is unleashed. In other words, the more of your life you freely/voluntarily (LOL) share with them.

Now on the question you asked about her not just posting the question herself. Well that may be because she is afraid of the backlash and ridicule that often happens here. Not all the time, but often times.

My opinion on the topic, while there is always room for mistakes in this imperfect life we live, but as stated in my first paragraph the forgiveness for those mistakes are measured by our place in that person’s life. That doesn’t mean one should be uncaring and blatantly vile but it does mean you have to earn certain rights.

Stay in your lane until you are given the go ahead to pass or cut in. Sometimes when you sway too far over the line there is no correcting.
And sometimes when you over correct you cause a more detrimental effect than crossing the line itself.

Size Six

September 30th, 2010
9:45 am

Morning, Just ask to see my phone. That is if were in a committed relationship or married because I will ask to see yours. Why hide?

BTW, have you guys looked at the political cartoon w/ EL.

YESSHEISCUTE

September 30th, 2010
9:45 am

@ Dirty Diana I just was being nosy in the car bored waiting on him to get finished with his car! Normally I play with my blackberry (I have FB 3 email accounts, text messages and games) all the time so I’m guess my battery was dead if i decided to look through his stuff. But there was some cash, his commercial hazmat license, and some credit cards that’s about it. I mean if he had money oh well I really didn’t care about that honestly just being nosy for boredom….that’s why I felt so embarrassed. If I’d have been looking for evidence i probably wouldn’t have felt bad about looking. But IDK I usually don’t go through people’s stuff.

AmazonRed™

September 30th, 2010
9:45 am

Well, did you at least find anything? :lol:

Ha ha. Serves you right that you got caught! :lol: Look, I’m not insecure but I am nosy as hell. I have to tone it down because I can’t let that side of me take over. And…I’m always scared of getting caught!

The only advice I can give is you’ll have to damn near be perfect the rest of the relationship. Talk about pressure! :lol: But one positive you can give him is that you will probably never do such a thing again. :lol:

Morning all.

Dirty Diana ♠ Green, again?

September 30th, 2010
9:45 am

And, while we are on this snooping tip what is the purpose. What will you do if you find something out are you going to (a) say while I was being nosey as hell I found Becky’s number in your phone, or (b) get mad and say nothing is wrong because you saw something, but telling what you saw will be like telling on yourself? :???:

Ok, I only know of one story when snooping turned out good if you want to call it that. I had a friend that let this guy she was seeing borrow some money (about $100 or less). He would never pay her back, but she is a BIG SNOOPER and has always told me I was CRAZY for not snooping. Long story short she had already went through his things and she had his SSN, DL#, DOB, and credit card number. When she read all of that mess out to him, and told him she was going to just charge her some ish out of a catelog since he was refusing to pay her…he paid her back real quick. We were in our 20’s and she was pissed off.

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
9:46 am

There is an app for Blackberry and Iphone that will log unknowingly to the person who is doing it but it keeps a record of when someone tries to access your phone. Also on the phones with the camera upfront it will take a picture of said person.

Elijah ( I want some of dat)

September 30th, 2010
9:47 am

Good Morning Folks!

@Kimmie….Great post from yesterday, In this economy people have to do what’s best for them. You are a keeper….. :wink:

I see I have been called out by the Infamous sucka! Yes sucka is what you are because all you do is spit how you got suckered by your ex… Dude real men don’t sit around complain and blame others for their failures… (Things happen your favorite phrase)…See what had happen I stepped out of my lane and could not handle it… Sucka move sucka comment… I guess the scream machine aint what it all cracked-up to be…. YEEAAAH SUCKA….Plus dude are you jealous because you are not the center of attention on the blog? I can go on about your Angry man act and your vengeful mindset regarding women but I’ll pass it is already beneath to even respond to a SUCKA like you..

On topic…..Bad move by oh girl now she needs to move on,but first learn how to be in a relationship….Trust is very important with-out its impossible to have a relationship…

@It’s me…Lurker…I’m a little disappointed in you….Simple Man c’mon now….But I will forgive you once you take me to lunch… :smile: :wink:

I am gone…..Next 2 months got to help get out the vote….

blue™

September 30th, 2010
9:49 am

@M. – I saw a woman going through my dresser like Beverly Hills Cop! – wow, im always amazed how things get this way. ive had trust issues b4, but it dsplayed itself in more conversations (ok, arguments really..instigated by me) than in snooping. true “convos” werent exactly appropriate, but i think still a step above checking the walls for hidden compartments…how do chicks get that far?
@DC – lol, can you tell my brain isnt on? code-i got it now…just let the alarm blare and told the cops i got scared by a squirrel, thought it had rabies…you know, the scared girl thing, works every time ;) …lol

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
9:49 am

Sup all!
No purple, I’m good :lol:

MY GOLF CLUBS ARRIVED YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s on like donkey kong!

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

September 30th, 2010
9:49 am

Purple — That’s the first thing I thought of when I saw this post… Somebody should put up a gallery of all the folks who’ve been busted by these apps… :lol:

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
9:50 am

Sup all!
No purple, I’m good :lol:

MY GOLF CLUBS ARRIVED YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s on like donkey kong!

Blue: Why do they hold us accountable for what they went thru with the ex? SMDH!!!

Dirty Diana ♠ Green, again?

September 30th, 2010
9:50 am

@DC Rose I feel you, because you have mentioned your ex on here.

@YES LOL I am nosey as hell, but like DC said my parents were big on respecting each other’s privacy…knocking on doors etc. Even now, I will not look in my mom’s glove compartment or other storage spots in her car, and I bought the car. I have massive respect for others on a privacy level because I value my privacy.

Not to mention I don’t like people giving my data out…sending out my email address or telling someone it is ok to text me or something…I am an ultra private person.

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
9:51 am

Morning Ared…How do you like you coffee???

AmazonRed™

September 30th, 2010
9:52 am

Awkward dating moment:

Check comes. He pays. Goes to the bathroom.

In boredom, I check the check. See how much it was, how much he tipped. Was I going to do anything with this infomation? No. I was just being nosy.

He caught me red handed asked me what I was doing. I stammered for an answer. Told him I just wanted to see how much the bill was. He dropped it. But I was mortified.

(he undertipped tho :lol: )

AmazonRed™

September 30th, 2010
9:53 am

Hey Simple Man. I don’t do coffee. I’m hyper enough! :lol:

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
9:53 am

I am…You playing this weekend???

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 30th, 2010
9:55 am

@blue™

I think some women get like this because when we start dating new people, we really dont know too much about them other than what they are showing us. I also think alot of it is people wanting to ensure what you are saying matches up all around.

People just want to pry into your life at a certain point because when we first meet someone, they already have stuff going on in some capacity (dating, jumpoff, fwb, something) and alot of people are just plain nosey!

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
9:57 am

Amazon, I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to know how much he tipped the waiter. I would not have even stammered at telling him that I was looking to see if I needed to pay the tip. If he would have a problem with me wanting to make sure our server was paid well then he is not the one for me.

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
9:58 am

Swiss, I bet atleast 85% of those busted would be women. LOL

I Am, email me.

Breakingofdawn

September 30th, 2010
9:58 am

ARed, I don’t think its sexy at all for a man who has the means to undertip. I’m a huge over tipper, esp when service is excellent.

Dirty Diana ♠ Green, again?

September 30th, 2010
9:59 am

@Swiss and Purp tell me the name of this app I need it for my iPhone! pretty please :grin: