Why aren’t more women approaching men?
I hope your weekend was wonderful and fun! I was in the Big Easy hanging out and mingling with cool people. I saw a lot of interesting things this weekend while hanging out in New Orleans. I love the energy of the city and the people are so much fun.
I noticed that women seem to approach men a lot more than in Atlanta! I have to say there were a couple of guys that caught my eye and approaching them didn’t seem like a bad idea. What is it about going to a different city and meeting people that seems easier than at home?
When men get approached by women, it seems to be a huge ego boost and I believe it is rare when a guy flat out turns her down. I am sure it happens but once a lady gives an inkling that she is interested, she opens the door for the man to reciprocate interest.
What is the best way to approach a guy, though? I have seen some women come on way too strong and when they sense the guy is turned off, they keep pursuing. Are women slow to notice that a man isn’t really feeling her?
Guys when you are approached by a woman, do you know right away? What happens when you decide that she isn’t your type? How do you let her down?
I think women are always encouraged to ask guys out or at least approach men more, but it seems that many of us prefer to let the men make the first move. Do you think this will ever change? If we are modern women who abandon a lot of the traditional courting, should we get used to approaching men?
Ladies, what are your fears about approaching men? What is the worst that can happen?
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590 comments Add your comment
blue - ™
September 27th, 2010
11:51 am
news flash:
Segway boss dies after falling off river cliff, while riding Segway…whoa..killed by his own product….thats just not right…
http://www.ajc.com/business/segway-owner-dies-after-639773.html?cxntlid=thbz_hm
evy
September 27th, 2010
11:52 am
gm, peoples (yes it’s still morning). sorry i missed out on all the witty repartee the last coupla days, but me and my computer were taking turns having issues. now that that’s all sorted out, and we both know who’s boss, i am pleased to join the fray…
Purple Rain
September 27th, 2010
11:52 am
I don;t think there should be any rules on how people meet, if a woman places herself in positon to get noticed, that can be considered making the first move. It’s not like she is puttin an all out assualt on a guy. She could just say hello first and the guy takes it from there. I would rather a woman with a take charge attitude in lieu of a timid one, I am still a man no matter who made the first move. That’s just my POV
kimmie
September 27th, 2010
11:53 am
Dreams – I totally agree that a real man will treat you based on his principles.
As for fear of rejection, yeah that’s true for either party in the initial approach. While I would be hurt if I mustered up the courage to approach a guy and he rejected me, I’m a big girl, I’d get over it. But what hurts more is to be rejected later after feelings are formed for a person.
As for lack of justification for not approaching first – I don’t need justification. I’m just not gonna do it anymore.
evy
September 27th, 2010
11:53 am
who should go first?
and what is the worst
thing that could happen, you ask?
i don’t think i should,
and, i fear, nothing good…
i’ll admit, i’m not up to the task
i’ve tried (with some urging,)
and ended up purging
more than one guy from my list
seems more often than not
they read “hot to trot” and
and the race is on to the “tryst”
so, is it all about cookies?
i’ll bet that the bookies
would give you good odds that it is;
think i’ll maintain my reserve
(but i grade on a curve)
and let the first move be his
blue - ™
September 27th, 2010
11:54 am
ime, and granted this probably wont apply to all men, just saying what ive seen so far…men seem to work harder when they come after you than they do if you come to them…its like they have the attitude that the hard part is over, they’ve already caught your eye or you wouldnt be talking to them, and if you wer willing to go against the norm and talk to them first, you must think their really hot stuff! it seems to go downhill from there…now if htey come to you, they seem to try harder to actually be presentable and mind their p’s and q’s…
M. (pronouced M dot)
September 27th, 2010
11:55 am
@Blog
Also regarding approaching, Ladies what are your thoughts on phone calls? Are you ladies picking up the phone or waiting on him to call?
I think in any encounter if the guy is calling more, that is a problem because she really isnt interested. If she likes you, she should call.
This goes both ways ladies.
Thoughts?
Simple Man!!!!!
September 27th, 2010
11:55 am
2Can @ 11:30…LOL
Can’t do that show without pulling out the Kangol and the Addidas sweatsuit!!!
Black Magic Woman
September 27th, 2010
11:55 am
What’s up people? Just checking in on you. This topic is quite funny.
I am with Leggs…where is it written that women don’t approach men? Girl I guess it is in some Southern Belle handbook that us Yankees can read!
If I think a guy is hot….I will crack a joke or something to break the ice. But the funny thing is…I am so over the men of ATL so now I don’t approach them and I am kind of stand offish when they approach me. I am so done with the since of entitlement they have. Not to mention they are so used to the women that wear Desperation like a stink perfume, so that when they meet a woman who will call them on their BS…”Houston we have a problem”!
I had to go home to NY for 2 months for knee surgery this summer and it made me want to move back….so I may be blowing this popsicle stand! I’m homesick!
Leggs
September 27th, 2010
11:57 am
@Blackfoote ~ Exactly. The “alpha dog” mantra is deeply etched and a woman needs to know her place and not tilt the norm. Well, apparently, it’s not working like it use to. Some men have decided not to subscribe to the notion that they should lead. Therefore, I see nothing wrong with a woman walking up to a man and initiating a possible connection. Don’t necessarily look at as being rejected (such a strong word), but more toward he wasn’t interested. So what! No need to get bummed out and want to myself in the stomach for have the nerve to approach a man. As previously stated, not all will like that person who introduces themself. Plain and simple.
Purple Rain
September 27th, 2010
11:57 am
M., I agree. It’s stupid to wait on someone to call or the three day rule. If you want to talk to someone call them and if you want to walk up and speak to someone just do it. No time for games and silly rules.
Simple Man!!!!!
September 27th, 2010
12:00 pm
So ladies answer me this….. If. generally speaking, you are not down with approaching a guy, how many times should a guy initiate contact before he should assume that you are not interested??? At what point should he expect you to e-mail or call first???
evy
September 27th, 2010
12:00 pm
was talking to a friend a while back, saying it irks me how quick guys are to jump to it; told him ‘it’s like ‘hey, you’re cute. i like your watch. care to step into the closet for a bit of heavy breathing?” and later that day, doncha know, i’m seeing some fella for the first time – in barnes and noble, mind you, and he says to me ‘i like your watch’. i said ty. he says ‘you’re really cute’. ty again…then he asks me (with attitutde, like i’ve kept him waiting too long as it is) ’so, you coming home with me?’
evy
September 27th, 2010
12:00 pm
wasn’t sure whether i wanted to laugh in his face or kick him under the table…
kimmie
September 27th, 2010
12:01 pm
blue – Your 11:54, I agree. Like it or not, a whole lot has not changed out here.
White man
September 27th, 2010
12:01 pm
Hello all!
Leggs
September 27th, 2010
12:02 pm
@blue ~ I started to post that Segway death, but couldn’t get past him dying the way he did….just surreal!
@BMW ~ hey there! We damn Yankees!
blue - ™
September 27th, 2010
12:04 pm
@evy – i was gonna give you a lmao at your prose..but then i thought “that carrier pigeon of hers never go there…”….where my pumpkin pie?
AmazonRed™
September 27th, 2010
12:04 pm
“Getting yourself noticed” is not the same thing as approaching or asking a guy out.
blue - ™
September 27th, 2010
12:05 pm
@BMW – im with you, i say we all go home…i miss real pizza and pretzels…
Black Magic Woman
September 27th, 2010
12:06 pm
“wasn’t sure whether i wanted to laugh in his face or kick him under the table…”
Evy…..I would have kicked him!
Like I said…that since of entitlement is disgusting!
DreamsMaterialize
September 27th, 2010
12:07 pm
men seem to work harder when they come after you than they do if you come to them
blue What kind of man though? A man worth his salt knows that there’s as much work in the development and maintanence as there is in the initiation. If a great job opportunity happened to land in my lap, I’d still have to work hard to realize that opportunity, and I’d probably have to work even harder to prove that I’m worth the effort they put forth in finding me. Same is true for a woman approaching.
Leggs
September 27th, 2010
12:07 pm
@BMW ~ WOW, you want to go back. Awww, the nightlife/sounds of NY got back in your bloodstream like a junkie on crack…:lol:
Black Magic Woman
September 27th, 2010
12:07 pm
“wasn’t sure whether i wanted to laugh in his face or kick him under the table…”
Evy…I would have kicked him!
Like I said…that sense of entitlement disgusts me.
Purple Rain
September 27th, 2010
12:08 pm
AmazonRed, I have no problem with it. But getting yourself noticed could be considered making the first move…because without her initially getting herelf noticed nothing takes place…if he has no idea she’s there.
kimmie
September 27th, 2010
12:10 pm
Simple – Do you really not know this or are you just asking for conversation-sake? Just curious.
I’m sure we all get tired of the games though. Like is this person really not interested or just playing hard to get?
M dot – Me personally, and from others I’ve observed, if there is a true connection made, there is just an easy give and take from the very beginning. No need to keep a tally of who is calling more. When stuff has worked out – meaning I began a relationship with a guy, we were both anxious to get to know each other. On the other hand, when I was dealing with a guy that was not that into me, I found myself wondering where I stood – trying to figure out when he was going to call and wondering if I should call or should I be taking a hint from him. When things are right, everything falls into place. You don’t have to question.
Purple Rain
September 27th, 2010
12:10 pm
A man recognizes a “gem” and it’s worht no matter how it’s brought to him and will treat it as such. just like a woman can recognize a quality man or one who is just playing games.
evy
September 27th, 2010
12:10 pm
@ blue: oh, my dear – i AM sorry; it seems there was a little mix-up in the kitchen, and the pie went out IN the carrier pigeon instead of with him…well, needless to say, he wasn’t used to flying full, and suffered a terrible end when he attempted to take off from our roof as usual and instead plunge-dived into the sycamore in front of our place…in lieu of flowers please send new pigeon…
Blackfoote
September 27th, 2010
12:12 pm
“Leggs”: well said and with strong convictions.
“Purple Rain: “no time for silly games and rules” could’nt have said it any better this is why life so short dealing with made up rules made by person’s that considers themselves to be the righteous one.
Black Magic Woman
September 27th, 2010
12:13 pm
Blue….the reasons I left NY now seem so trivial. Just being there…even in a cast and crutches made me think about why the heck I am still in ATL. The only thing I thought about was the cost of living. That is NOT a good “only” reason to live here. So…we shall see! This Manhattan Mami can live outside of the burroughs! Yikes! Not to mention…the men…the diversity…it’s like Baskin Robbins! So many to choose from….without the ATL Man Syndrome!
AmazonRed™
September 27th, 2010
12:14 pm
AmazonRed, I have no problem with it. But getting yourself noticed could be considered making the first move…because without her initially getting herelf noticed nothing takes place…if he has no idea she’s there.
Not to me. It’s indirect and not forward. It’s subtle. If the guy has to put the work in after she’s noticed, he’s stilldoing the heavy lifting.
Melo!
September 27th, 2010
12:14 pm
It’s not that men are not prepared to lead and pursue. Men are not deep sea fishing coz the fish is coming to the shore. Do why bother?
So if men are not looking at I that much, u prepared to bring yourselves into the lion’s den?
Good luck with that!
No matter the guys are having some of uall for dinner. You bring that on yourselves!
Melo!
September 27th, 2010
12:18 pm
So why bother?
Purple Rain
September 27th, 2010
12:18 pm
AmazonRed, nothing can get started without some sort of catalyst. If it’s indirect and not forward there is still something taking place that would not have happened if that indirect/not forward action did not initially happen. The man should do the heavy lifting but there is nothing wrong with a woman “getting noticed” IMO An investment will jump out at a person but that person has to do the work to make it grow. LOL I am utterly confused so you win I lose, and we both tied all at the same time.
blue - ™
September 27th, 2010
12:18 pm
@kimmie – makes me scared of being out there in that world again, my mouth would get me in trouble, lol
hmmm, id check your staff if i were you, who feeds pumpkin pie to a pigeon?
@Leggs – surreal is a good word…i just looked at the headline for a minute and said naw, that aint what it says…lol…i wonder what their stock looks like now…
@Dreams – blue What kind of man though? i would agree that kind of behavior does not indicate a man worth his metal, but you dont know that till you try. repeated attempts at breaking out of the box only to be repeatedly confronted with metal-less men imo goes a long way to why women dont make the first move
@evy –
Black Magic Woman
September 27th, 2010
12:18 pm
Melo….lead and pursue????
OutofSight
September 27th, 2010
12:19 pm
May women need to read this study and change their mind about approaching men more often…be less depressed women. HA
http://blogs.ajc.com/momania/2010/09/27/depressed-have-some-unprotected-sex/?cxntfid=blogs_momania
Simple Man!!!!!
September 27th, 2010
12:20 pm
kimmie @ 12:10
I know what my answer is…and I know how I handle this type of situation, but I am always interested in what women think and why…
Purple Rain
September 27th, 2010
12:23 pm
OutofSight, I read that article this morning about women who have unprotected sex are happier.
evy
September 27th, 2010
12:24 pm
awhile back i met a guy i fancied (was a group thing, friend of a friend, 5 or 6 of us in a coffee shop) and, over several such conversations, picked up that he was a tinkerer and the type who becomes more convinced that he can do a thing the more he’s told he can’t. i mentioned some trouble with an appliance at home, and he offered to stop by after work to fix it for me. ‘awww, that’s sweet, but i wouldn’t want you to go to the trouble…besides, i’ve already had a look at it and i really don’t think you can fix it.’ well, that was all he had to hear; he insisted, i relented; i let him in at the appointed time, showed him to the offending machine, and had a seat to watch. he removed the necessary nutznbolts, lifted the top, and stared down, several expressions playing over his face in quick succession, then said tightly “evy. evy, there’s no motor in this thing.” i replied, just barely containing my laughter, “i told you you couldn’t fix it.”
kimmie
September 27th, 2010
12:24 pm
Simple – Okay, gotcha. I guess with me, I just go with my instincts. If it feels right, it usually is. I listen to my inner voice and it usually doesn’t lead me wrong. Like I said above to M dot, when it’s right, stuff usually falls into place. When I have to do too much analyzing of a situation, that’s my inner voice telling me it’s wrong from the get-go.
Melo!
September 27th, 2010
12:26 pm
BMW?
A man who leads pursues coz he knows his purpose.
A man who waits on you the woman to pursue him is investing very little in it, most likely for just sex. And he knows some thirsty heifer will make a move.
All he needs to do is look good, put his manself on show by the bar and sure enough, some completive thirsty heifer, trying to ward off all others will approach.
Game over!!
Now I do understand the man shortage and angst on the part of most females. All I’m saying is ‘ know the risk’ coz most men will take your advances fir exactly what they are.
Desperation!
Leggs
September 27th, 2010
12:26 pm
@blue ~ I too looked at the headline a couple of times saying this isn’t typed right (LOLOL).
evy
September 27th, 2010
12:28 pm
too forward? hmmm…we got married, and are still best friends.
Melo!
September 27th, 2010
12:28 pm
Competitive thirsty heifer
AmazonRed™
September 27th, 2010
12:29 pm
Purple Rain – In heels I’m 6′2″ inches tall. I usually get noticed, so it’s kind of a moot point on my end. However, that’s not to say men bear 100% of the burden in approach. A woman has to be willing to get herself noticed, I still wouldn’t construe that as she the one who put in the work.
You can throw the bait out there, but if the fish ain’t biting, ain’t much you can do. If a man isn’t interested in approaching once he notices her, whether she did it purposely or not, makes the difference.
Purple Rain
September 27th, 2010
12:33 pm
If the fish ain’t biting..you never know until you cast your line. LOL
Melo, some men pursue just for the sake of sex and not a relationship.
IMO, there is no tried and true proven method to initiating a relationship. You just have to do what works, if yo uare single and keep doing the same thing change it up a little bit.
evy
September 27th, 2010
12:34 pm
so, i think there’s no “men are just..”, or “all women are..” whatever; as has been said this morning, it depends on the character of the person approaching/being approached…a guy who’s a jerk is not gonna transform into a prince because you wait for him to make the first move, and a solid man is not gonna morph into a monster because the woman approaches him.
Purple Rain
September 27th, 2010
12:35 pm
evy, your name makes me think of my momma. My dad calls her “evy” LOL
DreamsMaterialize
September 27th, 2010
12:36 pm
repeated attempts at breaking out of the box only to be repeatedly confronted with metal-less men imo goes a long way to why women dont make the first move
blue I think most women are meeting these mettle-less men regardless of approach. Since most women don’t have “repeated attempts” at approaching, then they’re more than likely meeting most of these men when those men approached them, and not the other way around. That isn’t counterintuitive though. You’re more likely to get what you want when you proactively pursue it. Otherwise you’re limited to choosing what’s presented to you.