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When dates disappear

I have this theory that explains why many of us either experience “the disappearing act” or are the ones pulling that trick.  There is something that is best left unsaid or unrevealed.  The disappearance is a gift from the dating gods that we should  be thankful for.

A lot of times you have dodged a bullet or avoided some catastrophe.  Is it classy to just “get ghost” on people? Absolutely not.  It is, however, necessary and sometimes unavoidable.  A lot of people (ok, mostly women) say they want closure.  I think they say this until they get the so called closure.

Take it from me, ladies.  You do  not want closure.  Ignorance is bliss.

When dates disappear on you, how do you handle it?

Have you ever “faded out” of someone’s life and never told them why you checked out?

Here is your chance to get it out if you feel like confessing your romantic crime of disappearing or fading out.

I’ll go first.  Dear Xavier: I am sorry I never called you back.  After our first date, you creeped me out talking about your earlobe fetish.  I am sure you were a very nice guy.  I hope you find the love and the earlobes you deserve.  I feel better already!

Now see? I couldn’t say to his face that he was giving me the creepies.  In this situation, I think a disappearing act was the unclassy, cowardly way out, but at least his feelings were spared, right?

When dates disappear, is it really a bad thing?

478 comments Add your comment

Simple Man!!!!

September 23rd, 2010
8:40 am

Lights on….Coffee on…..Bacon egg and cheese toaster combo laid out….

Simple Man!!!!

September 23rd, 2010
8:47 am

On topic…. I will admit to pulling thsi stunt when I was younger, I would not go this route now… I thinkit is more important to make sure that I part on the same terms that I came in with… besides..One never know if our paths will cross again and if we happen to be in the lobby of the Marriott in New Orleans, and we start to reflect on old times and one of us suggest having one for “Old times sakes”……

blue - ™

September 23rd, 2010
8:50 am

GM all,

Hiii Simple Man, can i have one those bacon egg thingies please…

Simple Man!!!!

September 23rd, 2010
8:54 am

Morning Cool Platonic friend….Here you go…

SlimNumeroUno

September 23rd, 2010
8:55 am

I have slowly done that to someone I had nothing invested in…guess the interest dissipated after I left from the location where I met them. lol

Oh yeah, good morning!

2CPTG©

September 23rd, 2010
9:07 am

g’morning…

“When dates disappear, is it really a bad thing?”

Not really….

blue - ™

September 23rd, 2010
9:07 am

@Simple Man – thanx! gotta keep my strength up today…their attacking the dyslexic with numbers out the @ss, and its just barely 9….
@Slim/2C – Hiii!

on topic: never been the victim of a ghost act, but will admit to having played it myself. i am usually a very decisive person, and when i have decided things need to change, i change everything . we may have talked about it in the past, or not, but once ive had last straw, im gone. played ultimate ghost with BD. dated 2 years, 1 1/2 yrs of it cr@p, 2nd anniversary sitting at his kitchen table while he’s in the bathroom, it was like a switch flipped in my brain, picked up the kid, my stuff and walked out…not the best thing to do, but it served its purpose…

DreamsMaterialize

September 23rd, 2010
9:08 am

Morning
I’ve done this and had it done to me. It’s not a big deal to me. If you vanish on me, then assume you weren’t really into me, and I’m cool with that. I don’t need closure.

Mikkie

September 23rd, 2010
9:13 am

I’ve had this done to me by an ex- boyfriend and it didn’t spare my feelings at all. It was very confusing to me and it hurt very deeply. If you want to break up with someone, then do it in a respectful manner. To say you want to spare their feelings is BS. Anyone who’s been dumped is going to have their feelings hurt anyway so it’s best to say why you’re leaving. Hell even the cliché “it’s not you, it’s me” is better than just playing Houdini. In your case it was only a first date so all you had to say was that you didn’t think that you had any chemistry with him/her and move on.

DC Rose

September 23rd, 2010
9:24 am

Good morning everyone!

Wow, I didn’t think of it as disappearing. During my dating for the heck of it phase, I didn’t return phone calls or answer emails. I wasn’t interested in more than that 1st date. I guess that made me the ghost, but I don’t feel the need to revisit it or apologize. Nothing was invested, imo, in just one date.

Simple Man – I really could use another cup of coffee. Heavy cream – light sugar. Thank you – you’re a life saver this morning.

2CPTG©

September 23rd, 2010
9:25 am

’sup blue….how are you this morning?

Dana, are you lurkin? :\

Blkgrlsdontdate

September 23rd, 2010
9:25 am

I had someone disappear because of something I said that I had no idea came across the wrong way. The statement made me seem one way when I am not that way at all. Soooo I learned my lesson about what to say and what not to say.

Run4life

September 23rd, 2010
9:27 am

I’ve never had it done to me after one date, but I have done it plenty of times. Not that I disappear, but there are times when I have the first date and determine that I am no longer interested. I will continue to communicate by email, text or phone call until I can get up the nerve to say, ‘Look, I’m not interested’.

I am currently experiencing this now. I went out with the guy about 3 weeks ago. I continue to communicate sporadically when he calls or texts. The reason I am not interested is that he was a little too touchy, feely on our first date. Dude, I do not know you like that. Also, he is a fraternity brother, and sometimes those boys never grow up. I don’t even want to explain to him why I don’t think we are a match because I believe (just a feeling based on experience with those guys) he will get it twisted and tell his frats a totally different story, or should I say a Big, Fat Lie.

2CPTG©

September 23rd, 2010
9:28 am

Blkgrl……gal, you sound hurt by that….you aiigght?

Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!

September 23rd, 2010
9:29 am

Right after the divorce I use to take this act seriously and be truly offfended…..I had no clue about dating or the dating game……I then had no choice but to study the rules and learn the game and even practice it…..yes it has happened…..then I would go in to tantrums what the heck is wrong with me or what I could have done right or better now I could care less and even have disappeared without explanation…….its not a habit as I don’t find it cool to just vanish without some type of communication but sometimes it is just needed and silence speaks volumes………

Morning good people! Today is my Friday! YAY! :)

AmazonRed™

September 23rd, 2010
9:30 am

Morning all -

My college sweetheart pulled a disappearing act on me. We had broken up, but he pulled the “let’s be friends” card and I feel for it. He never called me again. And I acted a plum fool. I learned a very valuable lesson and adapted the “cold turkey” method soon after.

I try to not straight up go ghost. I will make my feelings known about whatever the problem is before I totally bounce out.

Even still, I do want to know what I do wrong in relationships. I know many women don’t take criticism well, but one can never get better if we don’t hear it. All guys tell me is the “it’s not you, it’s me” nonsense. Cowards.

SlimNumeroUno

September 23rd, 2010
9:30 am

Oh, and I have had someone go ghost on me….they later stated that they didn’t feel I was as interested in them, as they may have been in me.

Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish

September 23rd, 2010
9:31 am

Hola!

On topic: Hmmmmmmmm what I said last time. It is called the game of life. So no, I will not disclose that I did not like the way you slurped coffee from a straw.

@Simple Man may I have the toast and eggs. Do you have any turkey bacon or turkey sausage? Thanks for the coffee.

SlimNumeroUno

September 23rd, 2010
9:33 am

‘Even still, I do want to know what I do wrong in relationships. I know many women don’t take criticism well, but one can never get better if we don’t hear it. All guys tell me is the “it’s not you, it’s me” nonsense. Cowards’

Ared – we are >>>>eyes<<<< here I guess they just don't want to hurt your feelings by saying how they can't stand the way your face swells up when you wake up in the morning. LOL j/k

Roy Barnes Lipstick

September 23rd, 2010
9:36 am

Kinda like I disappeared for a few years? Well Uncle Roy is back!!!

Kiss me you buncha fools!!

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

September 23rd, 2010
9:38 am

“A lot of people (ok, mostly women) say they want closure. I think they say this until they get the so called closure.”

:lol: @ Wise… Best line in quite a while, Ms. Diva

Everybody just needs to learn to take a hint. If somebody goes ghost on you, it’s not because they really, deep-down inside want to be with you. Just take the hint & keep it moving…

Simple Man!!!!

September 23rd, 2010
9:38 am

Morning Ared…You don’t seem the ype that I guy would try the its not you line on…Seems like only a really strong guy could get to that point with you and us strong men don’t play that…. I agree..its kinda cowardly…

Dirty D….No turkey today!!! Just plain old pork!!!But that coffee is nice and hot!

DC Rose…Here you go…Just the way you like it baby!!! :)

Mo (aka Moeisha )

September 23rd, 2010
9:39 am

Morning Everybody!

Simple Man – did you by chance bring any bagels?

Dreams – your 9:08….that is me as well. I just chalk it up and keep it moving….

DC Rose

September 23rd, 2010
9:40 am

Mmmmm Simply Man – Perfect!

Luvbug

September 23rd, 2010
9:40 am

I have given and received it when dating between serious relationships. I never thought it was a big deal.

Turkey bacon you say?? Mmmm. I want some too. I only made it out of the house with cheese grits and whole wheat toast this morning. No eggs or bacon. Tragic! :sad: :cry:

czBrat

September 23rd, 2010
9:40 am

HiYas!

ditto what Dreams and 2can posted. and i’m right —>here<—– with DC. if i made it clear on the first date that it would be the only date but you decide to try followup phone calls for another date, i feel no obligation to answer or call you back.

we may have talked about it in the past, or not
blue, the “or not” is just crackin me up!!!! :lol:

Simple, how bout i just enjoy the smell of that fatty bacon while i nosh on my oatmeal :(

Steven Q. Stanley

September 23rd, 2010
9:42 am

Better question: Why would any woman over 30 run from a guy who is willing to go out with her? Beggars can’t be choosers.

AmazonRed™

September 23rd, 2010
9:44 am

You don’t seem the ype that I guy would try the its not you line on…Seems like only a really strong guy could get to that point with you and us strong men don’t play that…. I agree..its kinda cowardly…

Thanks Simple Man. My most recent relationships have shown me that I’m more of a pushover in a relationship than I’d like to admit. I’m usually the party that relents when it’s time for compromise.

Something I need to work on. I definitely need to bring more “AmazonRed” into my relationships.

Dan - simply...

September 23rd, 2010
9:44 am

I used to get ghost

But I’ve stopped recently because I feel like it isn’t fair to either of us. Why leave open questions?

So I state, simply, how I feel about the situation and KIP. What I can work on though is delivery/tact. I’m told I can be a bit of an arsehole.

SlimNumeroUno

September 23rd, 2010
9:45 am

Steven Q – You wouldn’t be in the process of also joining the bandwagon to file suit against Eddie Long would ya? That would explain a lot…

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

September 23rd, 2010
9:47 am

Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!

September 23rd, 2010
9:49 am

I am sure not all 30 yr or older are pressed just to go out bc Bob wants to go out………reminds me of this person remind me of his materialistic resume and all I can say is OK I guess I should be breaking down his door bc he is single, a grade 14 (federal), drives a X5, and he wants me……….Steven that alone is not enough bc #1 money can’t make the entire set up whole….it makes it easier but what else does he want does he want me to beat to his drum and control and be me be @ his toes kissing them for being my man?!? I am really trying to understand why should a 30year sign up for this or should we?!?

Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish

September 23rd, 2010
9:51 am

@Simple man :cry:

@luvbug I really want some turkey bacon now

@Blk girl don’t change your communication style unless more than one person said something. Some folks are a bit slow and misunderstand things.

blue - ™

September 23rd, 2010
9:51 am

@Simple Man – bacons nice and crispy, just the way i like it :) yum!
@cz – lol, i figure some things should be obvious, you shouldnt need me to spell everything out. i know your an @ss, you know your an @ss, lets move on…
@ARed – I definitely need to bring more “AmazonRed” into my relationships. ^5 :)

Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish

September 23rd, 2010
9:52 am

Steven Q.

I saw a kitten I might rescue, it will live outside (true story). What are your thoughts?

slick

September 23rd, 2010
9:53 am

I have done this many times and it all ways serves it’s purpose. There are just times when this is the easiest way out and the best thing for both parties.

Steven Q. Stanley

September 23rd, 2010
9:54 am

DD – You’ll have it sleeping in the bed with you by New Year’s. By St. Patrick’s Day you will have a 2nd one.

Luvbug

September 23rd, 2010
9:55 am

AmazonRed™

September 23rd, 2010
9:56 am

LOL @ blue. That bytch don’t play. ;)

DC Rose

September 23rd, 2010
9:56 am

Steven Q – over 30 doesn’t make you a beggar. I already know your thoughts on this, but not everyone thinks like you.

SlimNumeroUno

September 23rd, 2010
9:57 am

Ared – the blog monster is having breakfast with my post…in reference to dudes giving you the “It’s me, not you” spill, I am often disappointed that they don’t just give me some insight (constructive criticism) for me to take going forward. And I am like you in that I can be somewhat of a pushover. I need to find my inner Bytch I suppose…or at least take the Assert Yoself 101 ;-)

Luvbug

September 23rd, 2010
9:59 am

ARed- Did the blog influence any of your increased flexibility in your past relationship…or do you feel you’ve always been that way in relationships but just noticed it recently?

Daddy Melo!

September 23rd, 2010
10:01 am

Good morning people!

I think ghosting is a good strategy. For the most part you are dealing with strangers. And trying to explain the rationale of your leaving may leave you with physical scars.

Some chics are downright crazies. Others want to explain and rope u in still. Yet others are so nice but not a fit so you end up trying to compromise and reciprocate the niceness, against your inner voice and intuition.

Best strategy is to ghost before you get tamed.
It’s a dating game.

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 23rd, 2010
10:02 am

Thursday. Good day.

“When dates disappear, is it really a bad thing?”

The disappearing act to me is always frowned upon because we always here how everyone is Grown, Mature, No Time for Drama, Living My Life like is golden or insert whatever cliche you want here.

This is the real deal. There are alot of immature people on the dating scene. You would think logically that all of these people with their titles, degrees, posssessions and stature would be mature enough to call someone up and let them know its not working rather than disappearing.

What are we afraid of? The potential backlash or backhand (lol that was a joke, maybe depending on who youre dealing with), it coming back on us, or just not being upfont?

All in all, I just think some people arent really mature enough to even handle the mate they think they want and deserve. People need to act their age.

kimmie

September 23rd, 2010
10:03 am

Morning All!

I’ve done this out of necessity. EASED AWAY because of safety concerns! The last two guys I dated I guess I did it there too. I think in those cases we had just crashed and burned. Like blue, 2 years and 1 1/2 of it crap! So I decided to TAKE OUT THE TRASH and just eliminate these dudes from my life, January 1, 2007! They used to pull temporary diappearing acts on me, so really it was no love lost. I wish them the best, but I had to get on with real life and start dealing with a real man that was not playing games and wasting my time.

The first time I had it done to me, I was hurt but I GOT THE HINT. I realized this was life and chalked it up to the game.

And yes, at that first time I thought I wanted closure. It didn’t take me too long to realize in future situations I really didn’t need a dudes explanation. Bottom line, he didn’t want me, so that’s all the closure I needed! Don’t want nobody that doesn’t want me!

Simple Man!!!!

September 23rd, 2010
10:08 am

AmazonRed™ @ 9:44

“I definitely need to bring more “AmazonRed” into my relationships.”

Ohhhhh… Gonna turn to the relationship Gangsta!! LOL…
I think I am feeling that :D

White man

September 23rd, 2010
10:09 am

Good morning all.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2010
10:10 am

Good morning. Without even reading any of the comments, I can only imagine some of the MLBs saying they prefer the “ghost” tactic. Best way to avoid conflict because women are crazy.

White man

September 23rd, 2010
10:11 am

Leggs….What is MLB? Also I agree, yes women are crazy.

DC Rose

September 23rd, 2010
10:11 am

@Kimmie – And yes, at that first time I thought I wanted closure. It didn’t take me too long to realize in future situations I really didn’t need a dudes explanation. Bottom line, he didn’t want me, so that’s all the closure I needed! Don’t want nobody that doesn’t want me!

I’m going to file this away for future use. That’s a healthy way of seeing real life IMO. They should probably stamp it on stalkers.