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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Do you come with references?

Happy Monday everyone!

I’m hanging out in south Florida this week so our good friend and commenter Mr. M. is stepping in to kick things up… from a man’s perspective:

At one time in all of our careers, someone (employer or potential client) has requested a reference.  They want to know not only to get an idea of all the good reasons for explaining their experiences with you, but also for any bad experiences of working with you.

What if we used this practice in dating? What affect could this have on the dating
landscape?

What if you met someone and they asked to speak to people from your most recent
relationships? Would you provide their number? If not, what makes you fearful to provide information?

Wow, Mr. M. is suggesting that we actual provide dating references?  I don’t know about this one, I shutter at the thought of the things my ex before last would say about how things went.  If you end things on a good note, are you certain the person would give you a good reference to your new potential romance? Would you trust them to tell the truth, as they saw it?

I can’t wait to see what you guys think about this one. Discuss! Oh and I will be checking in during the day, hopefully from a beach chair with a fruity drink in hand!

346 comments Add your comment

Luvbug

September 20th, 2010
3:18 pm

but a really small bit though…

i'm swiss™

September 20th, 2010
3:19 pm

So, Simple… Are you saying if the opportunity presented itself, you absolutely, positively would not f@#k your hot, strictly platonic, chick friend?

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
3:21 pm

Simple – That’s interesting. I’ve actually been bit by the “just friends” thing. Both times, dude assured me he & ole girl were just friends. I’m not the jealous type and rather prided myself on how “confident and secure” I was.

The joke was on me cause both situations ended in dude marrying his “friend”.

So while I’m still confident and secure, I’m nobody’s fool either. My current SO has two good female friends but both friends have cool husbands that he is friends with too. There are no “questionable” outings & things. We do couple things together – one of the couples came with us on the recent cruise. There are no conversations he wouldn’t feel comfortable having with those ladies in my presence.

I don’t think you have to end all friendships with the opposite gender once you meet a SO if all parties handle it right.

Do you think that was the ONLY reason your friend ended it with ole boy or was that just the last straw?

Melo

September 20th, 2010
3:24 pm

Hey PR?
I see Bret Favre went down again yesterday!

If uall néed a QB, lemme know, I got Kordell Stewart on speed dial!

Breakingofdawn

September 20th, 2010
3:29 pm

See I’ve completely went to bat for male “just” friends when I began a long term relationship. Like it was clear from the start these were men in my life before he came and 10-1 they will be here after you. The man in my life at the time, it took him a minute but eventually he was clear they were “just” friends and had no issues.
So lets turn the tables two of them are married now. And each one of them dumped our friendship after the wives were like there is no way in halo you can still be friends with “her”. And guess what they choose the wife, and that was a hard blow to take. I took it on the chin and let it go. Life lesson right. I thought these were lifetime friendships that really just turned out to be “good friends until I get married and my wife is not secure in herself”.

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
3:35 pm

Breaking – That’s usually the way it turns out. That’s life. Especially if you “seem” to have a lot more going for you than the gf/wife.

I would say I took my life lesson and started thinking not more “confident & secure” but more realistically. Especially since I had it happen to me – me in all my “secureness”.

blue - ™

September 20th, 2010
3:38 pm

@Breaking – i think you said a mouthful, those friends of the opposite sex when your u have a SO, all boils down,imo, to whether or not your SO is secure in themselves, and whether or not you give them reason to doubt the nature of your relationship with the other person…if youve been less than truthful about your dealings with them or evasive, youve created a situation for them not to trust you. doesnt seem to me that simply the mere idea of having friends of the opposite sex should be such an issue…

that said, am i the only female on here who wouldnt mind being “friends” with Pitbull? im just saying…the way he roles those RRR’s…..

Simple Man!!!!

September 20th, 2010
3:41 pm

Swiss…Yeah…If presented the chance, I would not go there and thats saying alot because she is a ten and a keeper by any and all of my standards, I value her as a friend. Now there are tons of hot women and I promise I am doing all that I can to make sure they get serviced but she is my friend and that means more to me than all of the hot monkey luv we could ever make!!!

Simple Man!!!!

September 20th, 2010
3:45 pm

kimmie, @ 3:34 yeah I asked her about that after the fact and she said that should never be involed with a person that would try to control who she had in her life… Now maybe there had been some other things that she had noticed but in this case that was the deal breaker…

i'm swiss™

September 20th, 2010
3:45 pm

“And guess what they choose the wife, and that was a hard blow to take.”

Well, but that’s sort of how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it? You know, forsaking all others, etc… Not saying you have to totally cut them off, but I definitely think the nature of those relationships should change.

Mrs. Swiss never made a big deal out of any of my female friends, but I intentionally took it down a notch or two with all female friends out of respect for Mrs. Swiss. Basically, any & all contact I have with my female friends now, I make a point to include Mrs. Swiss — we’re a package deal now. I don’t ever want her to be in a position where she would even be tempted to question where my true priorities lie.

Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green II

September 20th, 2010
3:46 pm

@blue I need to google pitbull

@Breaking of dawn…I was real good friends with a male. He married young…I guess around the time we were 22 or so. Long story short his wife could not take our friendship while they were dating, but she became more accepting after they married. However the way she always felt I the two of us had something going on…I kept my distance after the marriage. I really think it was the way he brought our friendship to the table was the main problem. I paged/beeped him one time, while he was out with her, and from what I heard he was running around saying,”I need to call DD back where is a pay phone or cell.” Everybody was looking at him in :shock: like why do you have to call Diana back so fast and he was like that is my sister something could be wrong, and don’t question me when it comes down to her. He should have calmed down, because 9/10 I didn’t want anything. Just beeping him to see what was up.

czBrat

September 20th, 2010
3:47 pm

Dawn, that situation is interesting to say the least. seems your friends didn’t feel the friendship was worth the headache … and that sux!

i’m perfectly ok with friends of the opposite sex. s/o has become more comfortable with my bmff the more he realizes he can trust me completely. however, his attempt to introduce me to a female friend of his went terribly wrong because she behaved like a jealous beyotch the entire evening. sadly, i have had to advise him to put her in her place before i do.

Simple Man!!!!

September 20th, 2010
3:48 pm

blue – ™ You and I could be friends….:D

Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green II

September 20th, 2010
3:50 pm

Hola czBrat…what did you have for lunch? I have veggies. :grin: Oh yeah, she probably behaved that way because she wants him.

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
3:52 pm

I don’t ever want her to be in a position where she would even be tempted to question where my true priorities lie.

Swiss – That and your entire post is the way things are supposed to be. In both of my cases, the dudes were coy and evasive about the friendships. As if ANY question I had was my own insecurity. That’s how they messed with my mind. And if you are messing around, what better coverup than to say “oh, we’re just friends”. Now I’m a lot smarter. I truthfully look at myself and ask if I’m being insecure and seeing something that just isn’t there or am I truly being disrespected.

Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green II

September 20th, 2010
3:53 pm

@swiss I love your 3:45. I have to say this about you it seems like you put all the BS to rest when you married Mrs. Swiss. I remember you posting something about the Mrs. having your passwords and stuff liket that…way to go swiss.

Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green II

September 20th, 2010
3:54 pm

@Blue…where is Freddy Fred today?

i'm swiss™

September 20th, 2010
3:55 pm

“If presented the chance, I would not go there and thats saying alot because she is a ten and a keeper by any and all of my standards, I value her as a friend.”

Fair enough, Simple… But you didn’t really think I would let this go that easily, now did you? ;-) :lol: Allow me to play wang’s devil’s advocate for a moment. Let’s say hot, platonic friend makes a move on you. Even if you turn her down, the gauntlet has been thrown down. The genie is out of the bottle. The pink elephant is in the room. Your “friendship” could never be a simple platonic friendship from that moment on, because now one party has let it be known that they want more that just platonic friendship. Doesn’t matter that it wasn’t you that put it out there, or that you didn’t go through with it. The seed has been planted. So, what’s the point in continuing the platonic charade after that?

You (and your wang) will thank me for this talk later… :lol:

i'm swiss™

September 20th, 2010
3:59 pm

Or, to put it another way, Simple… If she’s that cool that you value her as a close friend and that attractive… then why wouldn’t you want to take it to the next level? Just curious…?

Breakingofdawn

September 20th, 2010
3:59 pm

I don’t mind an adjustment. I had to make some: I could no longer go to the Vegas wild parties, or every ski trip. I could no longer be the one to always bail there butt out of hot water. But to be completely cut off is a different story. She was so insecure that there was a past that I actually was only invited to the reception for the wedding. Now that said alot about him and his character. I never gave her a reason to have any doubts that he and I were just friends. At the end of the day it was her girlfriends and maybe family members input. It was later stated that he can not have a “friend” that looks like me and just be friends. I’m like wow, really. I’m done.
He could call tomorrow and I would not even answer. Cut me once that was luck, try to cut me twice here’s a bullet. Done!
Life lesson, it only takes one.

DreamsMaterialize

September 20th, 2010
3:59 pm

Dreams – LOL. That may not stop some guys from lusting.
Luvbug yeah you’re right. So, it just confirms my initial point about male/female friendships.

I think the key is to lay down the ground rule early and make sure you never end up doing date shyt like cooking dinner for just thetwo of you or sleeping in the same bed…. I make it a point to never do anything with with my female just friends that I don’t do with my male friends…
Look at all the restrictions/qualtifications you have to put on a male/female interaction in order to qualify it as a “friendship”. What are all those restrictions for…to keep the two of you from being in a position where you all might phluck. I don’t think you should have to do that with a friend. Someone almost always catches feelings.

blue - ™

September 20th, 2010
4:03 pm

@swiss – thats how i see it, you should be allowed to have your friends, as long as ou make it clear where priorities lie. their should be no situation where you choose to put wifey 2nd to friends, priorities please…
@cz – just goes to show that there are some who can handle those relationships and those who cant. i think tho, that this scenario is what has a lot of guys scream it cant happen, they see it as a double standard that the female can have the friends but the male cant. its not about double standard, its about whether or not your friend acts like they have some sense or they need some correction…..
@DD – Fred, he’s googling Pitbull for me so i cna drool for a minute….he’s actually calm for now…just got his Lindsey Lohan ankle bracelet fitted on….no sweets, no drinks…

czBrat

September 20th, 2010
4:06 pm

Hola Profesora! i had oatmeal for breakfast which always keeps me full for way too long. i did manage to finish a fruit bowl for lunch though.

so check this out … we chose a beachfront home that has a 1-bd unit downstairs and 2-bd unit upstairs. the house also has a pool and hot tub. the owner just informed me that someone rented the lower unit (which we requested) for our travel dates, so we can have the upper at the same price. so we now have …. wait for it …
exclusive access to the rooftop terrace with the outdoor kitchen and ocean views! yeah baby! NOW I’M EXCITED!! :)

Simple Man!!!!

September 20th, 2010
4:06 pm

Ok Swiss, i’ll bite…..now if she got out of pocket with me like that, then of course everthing changes. Now if that were to be the case, I fully understand that we could never be friends on any level after that so the dog in me says to beat the puddy like a rented mule!!! But the MAN in me says walk away….I have had to cut lose a buddy that changed the dynamic of our friendship before and I would have to handle this the same.

Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green II

September 20th, 2010
4:07 pm

@blue I see pitbull he looks pretty tough…you know in a real man way…not in that pie way. Well please let fred rest, because in a few hours it will be 90’s booty shake night and I need him ready.

blue - ™

September 20th, 2010
4:08 pm

@Simple Man – hiii … ;)
@cz – im so jealous….. :(

DreamsMaterialize

September 20th, 2010
4:11 pm

thats how i see it, you should be allowed to have your friends, as long as ou make it clear where priorities lie.
blue, czBrat I would argue that the women swiss is talking about don’t qualify as friends. He has no interaction with them that doesn’t include the Mrs. Does this same requirement exist for his male friends? If you have to downgrade your “friends”, then they weren’t your friends.

i'm swiss™

September 20th, 2010
4:11 pm

Plus — just speaking for myself here — I am no saint, that’s for d@mn sure, but I do recognize my own weaknesses. I am one h0rny m0therf@#ker — I know this about myself. But knowing this, I am at least smart enough to avoid temptation as much as possible. So if I think a chick is that cool and that hot, I know better than to get all buddy-buddy with her. Because ol’ swiss has got some powerful h0rny in him & sometimes it’s best not to tempt fate… :lol:

Melo

September 20th, 2010
4:11 pm

@Simple?

So u basically saying that u like pudsy that u personally seek and hunt for??

I’m with u there except this is ur friend that u hold in high regard and she phone as hell!!

Comeon man, hit it, that’s ur friend! :lol:

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
4:12 pm

Breaking – Was she scared you might say something when the pastor asked if anyone can show just cause why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?

Simple Man!!!!

September 20th, 2010
4:12 pm

Sooooo Blue!! i am in the market for cool platonic friends…You down??? :D

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
4:14 pm

sometimes it’s best not to tempt fate

Swiss – At least you are honest with yourself. Some folks just don’t get this.

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
4:14 pm

Speak now or forever hold your peace!

Luvbug

September 20th, 2010
4:15 pm

Swiss – At least you are honest with yourself.

Kimmie- Ditto.

The alternative seems too complicated.

Luvbug

September 20th, 2010
4:16 pm

I wonder how often people speak at that moment. I’ve never witnessed it outside of tv.

Melo

September 20th, 2010
4:16 pm

Damn Kimmie!

I hadn’t even seen it like that. :lol:

Yes, she was trying to prevent that from happening!

Lol women!!!!!

i'm swiss™

September 20th, 2010
4:17 pm

Dreams — I agree with your hypothesis… Of all my female “friends” — there’s not one of them who I wouldn’t have f@#ked under the right circumstances… :lol: Which is precisely why they now get relegated to “mutual acquaintance” status now that I’m off the market… :lol:

LURKS

September 20th, 2010
4:18 pm

NOW IT’S MARRIED GALS?! :|

LURKS

September 20th, 2010
4:18 pm

YOU PUT THE SIMP IN SIMPLE SIMPLE MAN

Simple Man!!!!

September 20th, 2010
4:18 pm

Melo, In this case, we have been friends since we were 15 years old!!! She has seen me through the loss of both parents, I have watched her deliver twins and then give one back to god…. We can’t go there our lives are tied together in a way that is bigger than anything physical could ever be…

Melo

September 20th, 2010
4:20 pm

Simple?

Watched as being in the delivery room?

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
4:20 pm

Luvbug – I knew of a case where some folk went to the wedding with their friend to STOP her from doing it! Dude went away to college and left his high school sweetheart back home. Dude starts seeing another girl hot and heavy at school. Gets sweetheart preggers on his visit back home for the holidays. Basically goes along with a shotgun marriage. Girl at school is so heartbroken she’s ready to go to the wedding to set it off. Her friends accompany her & prevent it!

True story!

Luvbug

September 20th, 2010
4:22 pm

Kimmie – Whaaaat?! They are together now?

czBrat

September 20th, 2010
4:23 pm

Di, blue … i and several others told him she either wants him or feels some warped sense of ownership over him. either way, she is clearly threatened and handling it badly. he was in denial saying they’ve been friends for years with absolutely no interest in each other so he just couldn’t understand her behavior. i finally said, look, take it from a woman, she wants you. either go be with her or straighten her azz out. i didn’t say he can’t be friends with her, if she’s willing to act right they can be friends for all eternity. if not, she’ll get stomped.

Melo

September 20th, 2010
4:24 pm

That’s just damn unnecessary drama Kimmie!

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
4:25 pm

Luvbug – They stayed married for a number of years and had another kid but eventually divorced. Last I heard they both have remarried but get along well for the kids. School girl met a nice, FINE dude a few years out of school & they married, all cool.

Melo

September 20th, 2010
4:25 pm

@Cz

What did she do wrong in your eyes?

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
4:26 pm

Melo – I could film a good movie on all the drama I witnessed, and sometimes personally went thru, in college!LOL

Wouldn’t trade the experience for the world, though!

Luvbug

September 20th, 2010
4:28 pm

Wow. People certainly have balls. Guess I’d have died on the sword of pride. Ole girl could have had him. I’d have been hurt, cried and everything, but break up a wedding? Pssst, whatever!

Why’d they divorce?

kimmie

September 20th, 2010
4:31 pm

Luvbug – You and I think alike on that – she could have him! I heard it was a case of being so young and forced to get married, both kinda changed and outgrew each other. I don’t know about her new husband but I heard his new wife is totally the opposite of first wife. 1st wife was real bougie and spoiled.