Do you come with references?
Happy Monday everyone!
I’m hanging out in south Florida this week so our good friend and commenter Mr. M. is stepping in to kick things up… from a man’s perspective:
At one time in all of our careers, someone (employer or potential client) has requested a reference. They want to know not only to get an idea of all the good reasons for explaining their experiences with you, but also for any bad experiences of working with you.
What if we used this practice in dating? What affect could this have on the dating
landscape?
What if you met someone and they asked to speak to people from your most recent
relationships? Would you provide their number? If not, what makes you fearful to provide information?
Wow, Mr. M. is suggesting that we actual provide dating references? I don’t know about this one, I shutter at the thought of the things my ex before last would say about how things went. If you end things on a good note, are you certain the person would give you a good reference to your new potential romance? Would you trust them to tell the truth, as they saw it?
I can’t wait to see what you guys think about this one. Discuss! Oh and I will be checking in during the day, hopefully from a beach chair with a fruity drink in hand!
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346 comments Add your comment
blue - ™
September 20th, 2010
9:50 am
but how would you feel if a person that’s dating YOUR ex called YOU up and asked for a reference about them? just like you said, wow he sure knows how to pick the crazy ones, and besides that seems too much drama, why get involved? cause either i tell the truth and then ex is calling me up “why you had to go and tell her that?” or i lie to save your @ss, why bother? the relationship was let go, let all the drama go with it? to me calling the ex just seems insecure at best….
kimmie
September 20th, 2010
9:50 am
Morning Gang!
Hope everyone had a fun-filled weekend!
On topic – Just smh.
Luvbug
September 20th, 2010
9:50 am
The idea of getting a general idea of your partner via his past relationships works for me. I don’t think a search of my past would turn up anything too alarming. However, I don’t think it’s such a good idea for a current guy to contact an ex and I wouldn’t contact a guy’s exes.
Real – No skit? Who suppose to make me laugh today?
I am whatever you say I am
September 20th, 2010
9:51 am
Where is a good place to go to lunch around Perimeter mall area,
I need a place where guys go
2CPTG©
September 20th, 2010
9:51 am
M., it ain’t about what topics we’d suggest….if you haven’t noticed, REAL LIFE stuff moves this blog….hypotheticals ain’t it…cause with this, “I think if people want to talk to their ex’s just to ask a couple of questions, it would not bother me;” you’re kidding, right?
abc, not just yet….the Huskers are coming along, but not just yet…
lurker
September 20th, 2010
9:51 am
bwah ha ha…who would date someone anybody asking to speak with the ex or needing reference….bwah ha ha…knee slapping laughter. Okay I’ll be back when it gets serious in here. Monday’s joke. Thanks M.dot we needed this laugh…..bwah ha ha ha
Willie Dynamite
September 20th, 2010
9:51 am
Dan – I understand that and it is different from what we speak of today. Personal/professional associations all of that is fair game because its public knowledge.
Norvee Michele
September 20th, 2010
9:52 am
I wouldn’t provide the references for a few reasons. 1. there’s two sides to every story. 2. the ex may still have some feelings for me, and could get in the way of me building something with someone else. 3. What you do in the dark or lie about or hide will eventually come out. I would just be honest about my relationship history, and try not to rush into another one with someone else. You just have to trust your gut on this one. If he or she has lied or is hiding something, you will instinctively know before you find out.
It's me....lurker
September 20th, 2010
9:53 am
sorry i didn’t fill in my full moniker
AmazonRed™
September 20th, 2010
9:53 am
it’s real brittle-back behavior.
LMAO @ “brittle back”
Dan - simply...
September 20th, 2010
9:54 am
@M
I agree that information is good to have, but go to the source.
Why would I be asking Bobby, Tina, and nem about her? I’mma ask her. And if she is found/caught lying, then I know what I need to know. Just like if she tell me the truth.
I’ve had ex’s keep tabs on me, but if someone I’m dating is asking everybody about me but me then that’s a problem. One rectified by a conversation and/or dismissal.
czBrat
September 20th, 2010
9:54 am
GM All!
Dreams makes a great point. i don’t think there would be much point in providing references, but i’ve often wondered what’s so taboo about being friends with each other’s exes. i’m not freaked out by the thought of OMG! you’ve been intimate with this person!. all in all, i have nothing to hide so it wouldn’t matter to me if the current had conversations with an ex. i’d be more concerned about someone going out of their way to make sure you DON’T talk to someone from their past.
AmazonRed™
September 20th, 2010
9:56 am
Where is a good place to go to lunch around Perimeter mall area,
Ooh, yum. I like Wildfire and Elipse di Luna. Mimi’s Cafe is black owned I’m told. McKendrick’s steakhouse is the best if you want spend loot. And then you’ve got your typical chains like Maggiano’s and Cheesecake Factory.
AmazonRed™
September 20th, 2010
10:00 am
Oh, but if you’re looking for a spot with men at lunch, I’d say “Twisted Taco.” I got food poisioning eating there, but there were tons of guys.
M. (pronouced M dot)
September 20th, 2010
10:00 am
@Blog
So you guys never gotten setup with someone by your friend and asked the scoop on them?
You see someone at a cookout that you dont know, but if the host knows them, would you ask, whats their deal?
It's me....lurker
September 20th, 2010
10:01 am
So you guys never gotten setup with someone by your friend and asked the scoop on them?
In high school maybe? Can’t really say then
AmazonRed™
September 20th, 2010
10:02 am
So you guys never gotten setup with someone by your friend and asked the scoop on them?
M. – Yup, happens all the time. In real life, Facebook, etc.
blue - ™
September 20th, 2010
10:02 am
@ARed – OMG, LMAO, “i got food poisoning there, but there were tons of guys” …..not sure one makes up for the other, lol
I am whatever you say I am
September 20th, 2010
10:03 am
How would I feel if someone called me up about my ex that they are now dating?
If it were the exes that were abusive: I would have to disclose that
If it were any other ex: I would put in a good word
If it were my sons father: I would say RUN!!!!!!!
AmazonRed™
September 20th, 2010
10:03 am
LOL @ blue. Exactly. There were 3 in my party that day, two of us got sick. One didn’t so maybe she’ll get lucky.
Kym
September 20th, 2010
10:05 am
Good Morning All,
I am going with my fellow Gen Xer’s on this..Worst idea ever..sums it up. I mean why ever in the world would you care what someone else thought about your current SO? What didn’t work for one person maybe the best thing that ever happen to the next person. You find out about a person through trial and error. If it works great..if it doesn’t move on. People constantly change…and seriously you have to consider the source. The person is an ex for a reason.
I am whatever you say I am
September 20th, 2010
10:05 am
Thanks A Red
avoiding chains : Played out and more women than guys go there.
Trying to find a spot where I can mindle with dudes.
Anybody got any other ideas?
Bueller? Bueller?
I am whatever you say I am
September 20th, 2010
10:07 am
A red: twisted taco!
I just thinking about that
AmazonRed™
September 20th, 2010
10:07 am
@I am – Well, my list had a mix of chains vs non chains. There are a lot of chains up there tho.
Dan - simply...
September 20th, 2010
10:08 am
@M
Yeah, to the setup; no, to “scoop”. I need to make my own assessment.
Kym
September 20th, 2010
10:09 am
@M dot..seeing a person at a bbq and asking the host general info about them is different than asking the person for the name and phone number of their previous ex so you can find out the ex’s opinion of their relationship capabilities. That’s just too much..what happen in the past has three stories..his, her, and the truth. Each party will always have their own version of the truth.
Melo
September 20th, 2010
10:09 am
Dating references are cool, but nit from an ex.
Personally, I would not even want to see you ex. Because the moment I see them, I may bench you based on how I look at them. ‘how can you phluckk a dude like that?’
However, people that know the chic could provide valuable information about her. Neighbors,friends and college buddies.
Dating a complete stranger is really like fishing in the ocean. Sometimes you reel in a gator instead if some mice tilapia!
So dating somebody that comes with a good recommendation/reference from a fellow acquaintance is not such a bad idea.
Willie Dynamite
September 20th, 2010
10:10 am
M. – Thats typical recon on a prospect. I think you talking about different ends of the spectrum. Asking something about somebody at a cookout or at the bar is different than skip-tracing an Ex.
i'm swiss™
September 20th, 2010
10:13 am
i am… — I hear the Cheetah has a nice lunch buffet (allegedly) & you’re sure to find plenty of dudes there…
blue - ™
September 20th, 2010
10:17 am
@Kym – yeah, i just cant imagin how you would open that convo
“well, things have been going great so far this _(how ever long)_ , but its time for me to get the real skinny on you so if you would please write on this piece of paper (preprinted form) the names and numbers of your two most recent exs along with the info for your most serious relationship. should the most recent and most serious be one and the same, i will need another reference to round it out to 3, the industry standard. i will also need the names of any of their siblings to test your skills with the intendeds family. i will also need the names of their employers to see just how dependable they actually are before i use what they say against you. thank you, oh, and please have those in by Tuesday as i am trying to decide whether or not to give you some @ss after our dinner date and this will be most helpful”…..
It's me....lurker
September 20th, 2010
10:18 am
People constantly change…and seriously you have to consider the source.
Indeed. Whatever the experience was with the ex, that could very well be truth but also a thing of the past. What if that person has grown and your encounter is with the new them? Seriously, that’s something to think aobut. I have a coworker I never worked with directly but knew of her back in 1998. She would come to my floor and dish with my old supervisor about the different ones of us (can I say). I didn’t get into office mess but I was considered “mean.” Well over time and years I’ve softened quite a bit and really let about 80% of mess that cross me keep right on moving…if it’s not blatant I know how to shrug off and keep moving. When she found out I landed the position she called all the folks we mutuallt knew (even a bff that worked with her in this same exact role) whose last recollection was me from 1998. So, she’s come at me every which way expecting some hot headed response but nope, not happening. Now she’s baffled. Even when my manager got wind of all of her attacks, she stated “I know taking the high road is all good but sometimes things need to be brought to surface.” She asked why I hadn’t reported her. Honestly, I leave folks like that in the hands of Jesus. Which is another source. I didn’t have Jesus in 1998…a WORLD of difference. Anyway, I told her “don’t feed the trolls”….yep, got that from the blog but that’s exactly the way and said it and she died laughing. Point being, what she expected from me and those she got it from was so off centered because although I may have been quick on the draw back then, some things just ain’t dang work the trouble. Maybe because she hasn’t changed she figured all folks are stuck like her.
czBrat
September 20th, 2010
10:20 am
hey I AM … you must work near me
ARed, have you actually eaten at mimi’s. i didn’t know is was black owned, but i didn’t care for it. we like the lil sports bar right by cheesecake factory. can’t think of the name. and j. alexanders is awesome!
Kym
September 20th, 2010
10:20 am
LOL@blue..references before sex please..like Slim said..dude will want to know just how freaky was she man…yeah I really can’t see a dude calling another dude up about that..”sounds like some gay shiddgy to me”(said in my best Pimp Named Slickback voice.)
Simple Man!!!!
September 20th, 2010
10:22 am
AmazonRed™
Morning sweetness!!! How are ya this morning???
It's me....lurker
September 20th, 2010
10:22 am
I said all that to say, sometimes asking an ex and what you get could very well be on point…but people change sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse.
Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green II
September 20th, 2010
10:25 am
Hola!
On topic: I never ask for references or the “scoop” on folks. I like to see things for myself. Now I have had a homegirl or two “pull my coat,” and say something like that dude you met at the cook out BM has a key to his place and they go out a lot on dates, or dude has a checkered past. How I take that information always depends on the source. IMO, you don’t have to do a reference check to know chicken salad from chicken Shyt.
It's me....lurker
September 20th, 2010
10:26 am
Speaking of exes…why do I have one poking around my electronic professional profile? Toooo funny. He don’t know that I know it pegged him as the one looking. Stuff like this just validates it’s him, the unknown numbers and calls and stuff. It’s been almost 2 years since we talked and about 6 months since he messaged me asking to meet and work things out. SILLY RABBIT
I am whatever you say I am
September 20th, 2010
10:27 am
Swiss: I have thought about going to Cheetah on a number of occasions but I’m chicken-
Can’t do lunch- that’s on the other end of town
Brat: yeah, we probably do work near one another
I am whatever you say I am
September 20th, 2010
10:30 am
FB can let you know who’s looking at you
AmazonRed™
September 20th, 2010
10:31 am
@I am – I wasn’t super impressed by Mimi’s either.
Dirty Diana ♠ Going Green II
September 20th, 2010
10:31 am
I forgot to mention this—-> I thought FaceBook was already a main reference locator. Shoot you have folks looking at your page, and trying to figure who your friends are and what each post mean.
Most of the time their assessments are all wrong, but still they are doing background/reference checks.
AmazonRed™
September 20th, 2010
10:32 am
Good morning Simple Man!
I am whatever you say I am
September 20th, 2010
10:34 am
Red: I went to Mimi’s once a long time ago.
It was for a team builder.
It was so long ago, I can’t remember whether or not I liked the food.
SlimNumeroUno
September 20th, 2010
10:35 am
How does FB let you know who’s been looking at you? Do tell
I am whatever you say I am
September 20th, 2010
10:36 am
SLim: I’m wondering the same. I’ve been looking at folks I have no business looking at
Simple Man!!!!
September 20th, 2010
10:37 am
AmazonRed™ @ 10:32 Sounds like you had a good weekend!!! Where is Cali did you go to college??
Simple Man!!!!
September 20th, 2010
10:39 am
Where In Cali, not Where is…
i'm swiss™
September 20th, 2010
10:39 am
“I’ve been looking at folks I have no business looking at”
I know — I saw you checking out my man-thong pics, i am…
AmazonRed™
September 20th, 2010
10:40 am
@Simple Man – I went to UC Berkeley
LRAdams
September 20th, 2010
10:40 am
This would work well if you want to be interviewed and be involved in your ex lovers r*pe and murder.