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Is that really a red flag?

Alright, it’s time to address the hard truth. Sometimes single people have dating paranoia. Yes, I know nobody wants to cop to this publicly. I would certainly not blame you if you don’t.

The only reason I am outing my own single girl paranoia is because I am pretty sure I just torpedoed my chances with somebody sort of awesome. He exhibited what I thought to be “shady” behavior and of course my spidey (paranoid?) go haywire. The next thing I know I had basically formed some crazy scenario in my head thinking there was a red flag.

Oh there was a flag flying, alright. My freak flag. I made some utterly irrational arguments that were unfair and a little judge-y. Have you ever done that?

Have you ever met someone great and instead of bursting into a song and dance routine ala 500 Days of Summer, you somehow hone in on something about the person that is wrong.  Or worse, you come up with a so-called red flag that gives you the license to dump them!

It’s not pretty, people. How do you catch yourself from getting dating paranoia?

When is a red flag an actual red flag in dating? When is it just dating paranoia?

Do you think that you were ever the victim of dating paranoia?

532 comments Add your comment

SlimNumeroUno

September 10th, 2010
8:42 am

Did I make it in blogsville first today?

HAPPY FREAK YO FRIENDS FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Now going to put on a pot of coffee)

Dan - simply...

September 10th, 2010
8:49 am

We’re “friends” aren’t we Slim?

Holla atcha Boy!

SlimNumeroUno

September 10th, 2010
8:58 am

What’s happening “friend”…you wanna dry hump while I wait for this coffee to brew? :mrgreen:

Dan - simply...

September 10th, 2010
8:58 am

Be right there…..

DreamsMaterialize

September 10th, 2010
8:59 am

Morning
I’ve been hit with some far left field conspiracy scenarios before. Funny thing is that they thought they were calling me out on a red flag, but their over-the-top reaction to something that wasn’t really there just revealed their “crazy” flag to me. They started out looking for a flag and ended up being the one revealing a flag.

KNOWWHATUMEAN

September 10th, 2010
9:01 am

Yes..being a guy, I have run into this dating paranoia thing way too much these days. I was emailing this woman on a dating site and asked if she would like to talk on the phone..very politely..and the next thing I know she has blocked me from emailing her.. All I did was ask a simple question..she could have merely replied that she would rather email more before taking on the phone..JEEZ!!!…lighten up people!!

blue - ½ -n- ½

September 10th, 2010
9:01 am

Hola Peoples,

Happy Friday!!!
@Slim – coffee please :)

2CPTG©

September 10th, 2010
9:02 am

’sup y’all…..

Slim you got me crackin up already this morning….soundin like “Do or Die” with some “Po Pimp” playin in the background…..

And Diva, is this the guy who’s FaceBook page you’ve been stalkin?

YESSHEISCUTE

September 10th, 2010
9:02 am

I do it all the time. I saw a volvo outside my boyfriends house last night (or should I say early this morning when I got back from the club). I mean I didn’t feel that gut feeling you feel when you know something is wrong but mentally I started going into OH HELL NO mode. I went in the house quietly searching all the rooms and “nothin came up yo”. Any who he works on cars so he obviously is working on someone’s car. I do it all the time. It’s called being jaded (jilted) by past relationships and never getting over the shit.

YESSHEISCUTE

September 10th, 2010
9:04 am

My comment didn’t post :’(

YESSHEISCUTE

September 10th, 2010
9:04 am

I do it all the time. I saw a volvo outside my boyfriends house last night (or should I say early this morning when I got back from the club). I mean I didn’t feel that gut feeling you feel when you know something is wrong but mentally I started going into OH HELL NO mode. I went in the house quietly searching all the rooms and “nothin came up yo”. Any who he works on cars so he obviously is working on someone’s car. I do it all the time. It’s called being jaded (jilted) by past relationships and never getting over the ish.

Simple Man!!!!

September 10th, 2010
9:05 am

Slim, Dan…..Whats good people????

BTW In the words of Heavy D..” I like Balck coffee, no sugar, no cream..) :cool:

PrincessNik...Captain of Dreams Team

September 10th, 2010
9:06 am

Morning All,

Dating paranoia…hmmmmmmm…..

blue - ½ -n- ½

September 10th, 2010
9:10 am

dating paranoia…hmmm….only really pulled out the crazy once….when you find some cute, sexy undies that dont fit you in your mans drawer (and no wasnt snooping, he got in the shower and asked me to grab him a pair out the drawer, and theres the cute lacy red ones), i dont think its paranoia to ask what the he!!?? and no, they wouldnt fit him either, lol.

AmazonRed™

September 10th, 2010
9:11 am

Morning All! Happy Friday

WiseDiva, there were some excellent topics this week and I missed them all. Football season. But wanted to send you kudos.

This topic is funny, last night I was telling my friend about a guy I met while she and I were at a labor day BBQ. She got all excited at first, then was like, “I was on his FB page, there was a girl on there. You need to do some investigating cuz you know these guys be lying…etc.” She was about to have me all in arms over someone who hasn’t said much to me other than “it be nice to get together.”

In any case, I saw his page, all of his pics with a woman are over a year old. Glad I have my own mind. But I had to tell my girl (who is not even 30 yet) that her cynisim is getting to her…

Leggs

September 10th, 2010
9:15 am

Good morning.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 2CPTG…HOPE YOUR DAY IS FABULOUS!!!

Dan - simply...

September 10th, 2010
9:15 am

@Yes

That’s boy Wale got a song about this “paranoia” called ‘Diary. The video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfmiKmUlx6Q

It’s basically a lamentation on the fact that some women refuse to get past things and bring up old isht with her new man.

Either the past has passed, or I’ll get at you when it is. Can’t be both.

And jelly-legged cats and kittens going for it are ruining the game

AmazonRed™

September 10th, 2010
9:16 am

Welcome KNOWWHAT –

I have to admit, I don’t think I was cut out for online dating. Because that brought up my guard. I felt men were too forward, and wanted to meet way too soon. Rather than freak out, I just told them I was uncomfortable straight up tho. I got a few cuss outs and insults because of that though! LOL

EastsideSweety

September 10th, 2010
9:16 am

Good Morning Everyone…Happy Friday

Luvbug

September 10th, 2010
9:16 am

Yeah, I have rare and random raise-the-red-flag tendencies in dating, but they’re usually overshadowed by my general tendency to be judgmental.

I’ve been working on my filter, but I backslide from time to time.

blue - ½ -n- ½

September 10th, 2010
9:18 am

@2CPTG – hAPPY bIRTHDAY!!
@Eastside – gm, didnt scare you off eh? lol

2CPTG©

September 10th, 2010
9:21 am

awww Damn!!!!!

Thanks Leggs, and Blue….

Simple Man!!!!

September 10th, 2010
9:21 am

Dating paranoia is the funniest thing to me…..I have had them flip cause I was to nice, beacuse I did not want them at my house when I was not there, I even had one lady snap on me because teh passenger seat in my car had been adjusted forward since the last time she was in it!!!

PrincessNik...Captain of Dreams Team

September 10th, 2010
9:22 am

Happy Birthday 2Can

Mo (aka Moeisha - let the weekend begin)

September 10th, 2010
9:23 am

TGIF!!! Morning All!

Still trying to wake up after watching football last night.

lemme grab some breakfast, BRB

AmazonRed™

September 10th, 2010
9:23 am

Have a great birthday 2CPTG. There are too many damn Virgos in this world. LOL

Luvbug

September 10th, 2010
9:23 am

Who pulled the seat back Simple Maaaaaaaaaaaan? Huh? Who the hell pulled the d@mn seat back?

lol

justsayin

September 10th, 2010
9:25 am

LOL@ the comment about the crazy chick blocking you on the dating site…What was she on there for then? duh. I had a guy who I just started dating, like 1 date yo….He shows up on my doorstep on a saturday morning 8AM. (in college at the time and 8am wasn’t the time I got up on Saturdays) BANGING on the door. wouldnt stop…I didnt go to the door and he did it for 2-3 hours, bang…call….bang….call….seriously? I call that crazy as $#@#!!

blue - ½ -n- ½

September 10th, 2010
9:26 am

@Simple Man – lol. yesterday on teh Bert Show they were talking to folks who claimed to be serial cheaters and what they would say should be taken as signs your SO is cheating. One lady, who said she’d been living this way for 7 years, said if your SO is happy all the time and if they are consistant and predictable in their habits. So since i’ll be happy when i get home (cause its Friday, no work tomorrow and tonights date nite, no kids!!) and because i will be predictably home around 3 ’cause i consistantly get off at 2 on Fridays….im a cheater….

Simple Man!!!!

September 10th, 2010
9:32 am

Oh Dayuuuuummmmm!!!! She was like why didn’t you tell that Bytch to fix the seat??? I thought you saud you were at work, and Now you got some trick azz trick messing around with the car seat….. LOL

Timeless

September 10th, 2010
9:33 am

Simple Man @9:21: I also had a woman FLIP when the passenger seat in my car had been adjusted (backward in my case) since the last time she was in it!!! Seriously!!! That is weird!

Gabrielle

September 10th, 2010
9:34 am

I’m curious as to what the “red flag” and shady behavior was. Maybe you WERE onto something after all. Or maybe he really is an awesome guy. It takes time-a lot of time actually- to really get to know someone.

I don’t think it’s wise to prematurely dismiss someone but it’s certainly not wise to prematurely commit to a certain perception of a person, either. It’s impossible to sum up a person in one date, even in one month. When he tells you something or does something that seems suspicious, or you get that gut feeling that something isn’t right, it’s GOOD to take note and not just dismiss it as dating paranoia.

When you notice something suspicious, or something you feel may be a red flag, probe (ie: Why are you acting strange about that phone call?) Watch his/her reactions and gather more information if you need it.

Ignoring red flags and shady behavior at the get-to is what’s gotten MANY of us into heartbreaking situations in the first place. I always think it’s best to play it safe and gather more information about things that don’t seem to match up.

Purple Rain (Dominatrix Coach)

September 10th, 2010
9:35 am

(As Kanye’s song “Power” is blaring over the stadiums loud speakers, Team Dominatrix walks onto the field) and the crowd begins to roar….

Red Flags, I think people naturally tend to highlight the negative because in societies mind you are only as good as your last failure and that is what people remember no matter if you have moved on or not. I try to look at the whole picture instead of one instance that may be a red flag for certain. If it is repitive then I would consider it a red flag because we all make mistakes or may do things that may seem off to someone else. I just recently found a red flag with my wife, what I found outdidnt happen while we were married but I just came across some stuff from her past that did not line up with what she had made me believe.(not going into details, but these were her on words that I came across so they could not be misconstrued) It was a huge red flag, in my mind I considered her a liar and not trust worthy. For a few days I was distant and very cold, then I had to think was it really a red flag or was it just her past and something she did? After the initial hurt I knew I could not be judgemental because I knew what I was up to around the same time, she prides herself on being a “certain way” deep down now I know that is not the truth. Was it a Red Flag? Nope but it was definitely a Yellow proceed with caution flag, I decided to Forgive with Silence, to this moment she has no clue as to why I was upset, but my eyes are wide open. Not looking for her to mess up, but when certian topics come up and her opinions, I no longer take them at face value. Still love her to death the positives outweigh the negatives and like I said this took place during our exploratory phase and I was doing my own exploring elsewhere….who am I kidding this is a huge RED FLAG for me. Just clearing my mind a little…LOL

Luvbug

September 10th, 2010
9:35 am

Now you got some trick azz trick messing around with the car seat

LOLOLOLOL@ her being dead serious about it.

Luvbug

September 10th, 2010
9:36 am

LOLOLOLOL@ it period actually.

EastsideSweety

September 10th, 2010
9:37 am

Oh Dayuuuuummmmm!!!! She was like why didn’t you tell that Bytch to fix the seat??? I thought you saud you were at work, and Now you got some trick azz trick messing around with the car seat….. LOL

LMAO!!!!!!! Tooo funny

SlimNumeroUno

September 10th, 2010
9:37 am

blue – coffee’s done…all your condiments are on the table, enjoy ;-) Oh and a dude date thought I had left some panties at his crib. I was like, no I didn’t. He was like yeah I think you did. Then he started describing them. I figure I would know if I left w/o panties on. His family had came into town so when he went to grab them to show me, ended up being his nieces undies. I was like dayum dawg…I know i’m small and all but i’m not THAT small. We just started cracking up laughing. :lol:

2CPTG – Do or Die…love that song. Oh yeah, I bought you a new birthday suit…I’m sure it’ll look good on you.

Simple Man – Howdy derr pahtna…my ex would say something if my passenger seat was too far back in my car…Who been riding over here? lol No one i’ve ever dated had an issue with leaving me in their crib while they weren’t there. I’ve even been given the alarm code to a couple. ;-)

Simple Man!!!!

September 10th, 2010
9:41 am

Gabrielle

September 10th, 2010
9:34 am

Morning dear…..Sometimes what you see is not what you see..Th Exhale and give it a break. I can understand the desire to protect yourself, but looking under the bed and in the medicine cabinet is a quick way to get put on the booty call roster…..

Leggs

September 10th, 2010
9:42 am

@Eastside ~ CATCH…here’s your blogvest. You are not allowed a new vest until you have suffered 6+ holes (zingers/schrapnel). Don your vest as soon as heated words are exchanged and take home on weekends. Stolen vests will not be replaced at a cost of $150. :wink:

justsayin

September 10th, 2010
9:42 am

Um…dayum honey, dont you see the friggin car is all clean and vacuumed, dont you think that I COULD HAVE just been cleaning??? Chill out dude!! Some things you may want to investigate and check out the details before you jump into crazy!!

2CPTG©

September 10th, 2010
9:43 am

awww, thank you, Slim (and Nik, and ARed)….

But ummmm, that suit you tombout…..it ain’t one of your “end-of-season” bargains from your flea market booth, is it? don’t get me wrong, I appreciate anything you do, but that last suit had me itchin….

Simple Man!!!!

September 10th, 2010
9:45 am

Slim, thats an absolute no no for me… I would never let someone I am dating in my house when I am not there…they might start snooping around and find that hidden room in the basement with the sex swing and the gyno exam table…

Dirty Diana ♠ Here and Now!

September 10th, 2010
9:45 am

Hola!

On topic: If you have good sense (book, street and comm sense) you will know a red flag. If you are thirsty, dehydrated or naive you will miss some flags. Now if you are crazy you will imagine flags and make up stuff that is not there. Take my three catergories and decide which one fits.

@Simple Man, LOL on the seat being in the wrong spot. I have to ask, did you have another chick in your car, tho?

They started out looking for a flag and ended up being the one revealing a flag

@DreamsM, you said a mouthful right there…I have had that happen to me.

Dirty Diana ♠ Here and Now!

September 10th, 2010
9:48 am

@Slim I would love a cup of hot java, blue please don’t use all of the cream and splenda. Slim do you think you can get us some cheese toast or cinnamon toast to go with this coffee? :grin:

blue - ½ -n- ½

September 10th, 2010
9:48 am

@Simple Man – Well, why didn’t you tell that Bytch to fix the seat??lmao
@PR – why dont you just talk to her about it?
@Slim – Thanx! coffee, yum, need a waker-upper….yeah that undie thing can be a trip. dude tried to play the “what, arent those yours?” act. um, no i know my undies and these aint them. tried to tell me then that he had done his moms laundry for her (she had just had surgery, so i guess he figured that would sound like he was helping?) and they must be hers. im like dude your mom is twice my size and i cant fit these, must really think im dumb…had a little crazy moment then….
@Leggs – $150 now, let me make sure to tell Fred…..

SlimNumeroUno

September 10th, 2010
9:49 am

‘You are not allowed a new vest until you have suffered 6+ holes (zingers/schrapnel).’

Leggs – is this a new policy because I’ve been here about 5 to 6 years and I have the same tattered old vest. Matter of fact, the one I have is too big so I had to put safety pins in it just to keep it snug. I suggest we give Eastside my old vest and lemme get the new one. Plus Eastside is in the probationary period.

2CPTG – Homie, now you know I wouldn’t mess ya up on yo burffday. This a new material that came out. It’s made out of recycled port-a-potty tissue paper, fresh cut grass, and old cigarette butts. I’m just trying to keep up with the times and GO GREEN! So no need to thank me now, just know…You owe me one ;-)

Purple Rain (Dominatrix Coach)

September 10th, 2010
9:52 am

blue, because she tends to be one of those “better than thou” or try and point the finger abck at you types when cornered. It’s not worth the arguement because I am going to think whatever I want to think anyway regardless of what she says.

Leggs

September 10th, 2010
9:54 am

Stolen vests WILL be replaced at a cost of $150.

It's me....lurker

September 10th, 2010
9:55 am

OMG, too funny, some of the stories.

Well, I can shamefully admit I’ve had the red flag paranoia.

Simple Man!!!!

September 10th, 2010
9:56 am

Dirty D…the funny part is the seat had not been adjusted AT ALL and she was raising all kinds of hell about that but did not see the DSW box in back seat with the size 7 slingbacks that I had pick up for another friend of mine….