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When not to propose

I was listening to a conversation at the nail shop last week. Someone was on the phone telling her BFF that she was hoping her guy wasn’t planning to propose to her.  She proceeded to rattle off a laundry list of reasons why she couldn’t imagine being married to him.  The reasons ranged from he hated her puppy to he was way too immature.

First of all, I was regretting the fact that I left the earbuds to my ipod.  After I got over that, I started to think about when men propose to their girlfriends.  How do they know she will say yes?  What if the thought of being married to them makes them want to become a runaway bride?

I can’t imagine what men go through when they decide to ask the “big question”.  What goes through his head? When does he realize he is ready to propose?

When is a bad time to propose in your opinion?  Can a man convince a woman who is apprehensive about his husband potential to take him seriously?

If someone proposes and they don’t get a “yes” the first time, should they try again?

461 comments Add your comment

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
8:28 am

Unlocking the door….Turning on the lights……Hmmmm Looks like I’m making coffee this morning :)

I am whatever you say I am (put up the middle finger and the index follow...I'm saying deuces!"

September 9th, 2010
8:39 am

Simple Man: I like my coffee black please!

I am whatever you say I am (put up the middle finger and the index follow...I'm saying deuces!"

September 9th, 2010
8:42 am

Wise Diva: the thing that I don’t like about your story is why is this woman dating this guy if she clearly seems unhappy about him?
If she would put on the big girl panties and approach her man about the things that are wrong, she wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not he would be proposing.
Instead she would be wondering wheter or not to continue the relationship of if someone else is going to date her because quite frankly, she seems shallow.

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
8:44 am

One black on the way!!! :D Good morning!!!

blue - Half-n-Half

September 9th, 2010
8:44 am

GM all,
@Simple Man – pass a cup please….
@I am – i was thinking the same thing. if she has such a laundry list of things, why are they together now? sounds like she doesnt really like him all that much never mind love!

It's me....lurker

September 9th, 2010
8:51 am

I can’t imagine what men go through when they decide to ask the “big question”. What goes through his head? When does he realize he is ready to propose?

When I worked for Dun & Bradstreet a few years ago, there was this one guy…the only black guy there. Fine as ever, sort of reminded me of Denzel so you know EVERYBODY drooled. Anyway, a couple of us ladies from the job recieved an invite to a shindig (sp)put on by the Kappas. He talked a lot about his wife but I’d never seen her. Anyway when she walked in, I distinctly remember learning from a conversation I overheard. This other guy commented to him (after seeing the wife) it’s no wonder you settled down. He told him the decision to marry had nothing to do with looks but more so his mindset and that it could very well have been whatever woman he was with at the time plainly because he was ready.

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
8:52 am

blue ( In my best Tupac voice) “How do you want it”…

It's me....lurker

September 9th, 2010
8:53 am

I’m going down for Starbucks

YESSHEISCUTE

September 9th, 2010
8:59 am

Yeah I think as soon as guys biological clock starts ticking (read: wants to settle down), they marry the next thing smoking (read: next serious relationship). I met a guy who was trying to lock me down and couldn’t figure out why he was moving so fast until he said that he made a decision on new years that he’s tired of the casual dating and he wants to get married. So you know he had to go he was crazy.

But I was with a guy for 4 years and we were not ready to be married. We talked about it but we decided we would be in a better position once I graduated. We are not together any more but since he’s closer to where he wants to be goal wise I think he will end up marrying his current girlfriend.

I think that’s what goes through a guys head. I think a small percentage meet the one and fall in love and want to surrender the rest of their single lives to be with that “one”.

Kimmy

September 9th, 2010
9:00 am

I agree..if you don’t want to be with him and he has all these flaws she should tell him and move on. I do think that usually a proposal doesn’t come out of the blue. I would suspect that the couple has discussed their goals, view on family and marriage. I still give men a lot of credit for actually picking the ring, finding the perfact way to do it, and getting on one knee. I have always heard it usually doesn’t take forever to figure out if you’ve found the one and like wise a suspect it doesn’t take forever to know when to run for the hills.

blue - Half-n-Half

September 9th, 2010
9:00 am

@Simple Man – light and sweet, like me (is there a face with batting eyelashes…aw, guess a wink will do) ;)

according to mr.blue, he just knew i was the one and all else went out the window. how he chose when to ask i have no idea. and actually he asked twice and each time i said no, i wasnt thinking marriage….didnt stick till a while later and i asked him…so go figure…

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
9:09 am

Never told this story before so here it goes….Shortly after college I went to work for Arthur Andersen in San Francisco….Well I had spent my senior yr of high school and all four years at Arizona dating my high school sweetheart. Now i may not have the best boyfriend but we were long distance dating ( she went to Auburn) But I took my first big Boy Credit card and bought a ring only to propose on her parents porch…She took my damn ring and then took two days to tell me no!!!To this day She has never told me why, but I think she “found” herself in college and wanted to make up for lost time….Now I say all of that to say this…One of these days I will find a person that makes me want to commit my life to them but right now I am terribly afraid to put myself out there like that again…

SlimUno - Team Dominatrix

September 9th, 2010
9:11 am

Good morning all!

abc

September 9th, 2010
9:11 am

Being witness to a stranger’s phone conversation about such a topic is an example of the decline of etiquette and manners since the advent of ubiquitous cell phone usage. It’s a shame. Whenever I’m stuck in an elevator having to listen to someone’s cell phone conversation, I’m tempted to burst into boisterous song.

The girl’s reasons for hoping her boyfriend wouldn’t propose are mere rationalization of the fact that she’s just biding her time with him.

A man knows that he may be turned down when he proposes. It’s like asking for a lifetime date, in a way. Rejection is part of life.

Melo

September 9th, 2010
9:11 am

Good morning!

Wise Diva?? You just put up this topic to make all the single ladies come out swinging at the married dudes who married somebody else and not them?
????? ???

Kym

September 9th, 2010
9:25 am

Good Morning All,

I will let the gentleman speak on this. I know that the fellows I have spoken to on the “Why did you get married issue?” All felt they needed to settle down..one guy felt that maybe it would keep him for man-humping around so much.(No such luck) oh and one thought he might died.

I do think that if a person proposes and is told no..they need to find out the reason for the no. Eventhough rejection happens. I think the blow of rejection is soften if the person has an idea why they are being rejected.

blue - Half-n-Half

September 9th, 2010
9:27 am

@Yes – guys biological clock starts ticking – agreed, women arent the only ones with the dreaded clock. i think they get to a point where the casula dating just doesnt satisfy them anymore…some of them anyway, lol
@melo – hilarious!

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
9:28 am

And for the record…If I propose to a woman, and she says no…I will NEVER ask her again, and in fact there is a pretty good chance our dating life will be over at that point as well!!!

SlimUno - Team Dominatrix

September 9th, 2010
9:35 am

Simple – What if she has a valid reason for wanting to maybe WAIT to get engaged…i.e waiting on a potential promotion jobwise…finish school or something like that…You would still see that as a demise in the relationship for those reasons?

It's me....lurker

September 9th, 2010
9:35 am

I received an engagement ring from my at the time boyfriend that getting ready to travel abroad. Of course my daddy was all up in the mix and making decisions for me…LOL Can’t say I have regrets nor do I feel like he was the one that got away. I wasn’t ready and neither was he. We probably would have made a mess of things. Thank the Lord for having sound parents. I kept the ring though.

Melo

September 9th, 2010
9:39 am

Men!
Never propose unless you really want to marry her and she has started giving u that subtle nudge.
Besides, it’s to the mans advantage to continue getting the cherry at no charge. LOL

abc

September 9th, 2010
9:41 am

If a proposal is rejected, then the relationship is over, in my view.

If I coughed up $15K or more (maybe much more) for a ring, and a chick either rejected the proposal or broke the engagement herself, and kept the ring, I’d be plenty upset about that. There’s something seriously wrong with that. Why would you keep the ring, if you broke the engagement — especially if you broke the engagement at the insistence of your parents?

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 9th, 2010
9:44 am

Hello….Good Morning…

“When is a bad time to propose in your opinion?”

I think a bad time to propose is when you are in the gitty stage. Guys really get to excited about women sometimes and trade their logic for chance & emotion. You really need to get to know her and see if she is even worth marrying.

“Can a man convince a woman who is apprehensive about his husband potential to take him seriously?”

A man cant even convince a woman to eat and drink let alone convince her to marry you. She either wants to or she doesnt.

“If someone proposes and they don’t get a “yes” the first time, should they try again?”

I dont recommend trying again because what could possibly change that would make her want to marry you? Whatever changes in her mind from going to no to yes should be a red flag in your mind. If she doesnt like the way you are, charge her to the game and let her find someone she can change into the man she wants them to be.

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
9:47 am

Whats good Slim??? What does fininshing school or waiting for a promotion have to do with accepting a proposal???? Those would come off as nothing more than the dating equvillent of “The dog ate it” or “My hard drive locked up”…She can say yes, and we can delay the date or something like that but those excuse are just plain lame …

blue - Half-n-Half

September 9th, 2010
9:52 am

@Slim – tho agreeing with Simple Man that it doesnt work for everyone, i do think, like u said there can be valid reasons for putting it off or for trying again. in our case, he felt sure i was the one for him. for us, the 1x we were still in school (hs sweethearts) and not being one of those “been planning my wedding from birth” chicks, i didnt take it seriously. and we did break up. after school, im with someone else, he comes home on leave from the military and asks again. i felt like he was poaching as it were, im attached:nows not the time, and he was going back for 6 months at sea. wasnt ready for that either. and then one day, i guess i got hit on the head or had an epiphany or hwatever, but realized the relationship i was in was cr@p and id let a good thing get away. i called him and proposed myself. sometimes it works, but it aint for everyone…

Trevor0529 (S&L commish)

September 9th, 2010
9:53 am

Good Morning,

What goes through his head? When does he realize he is ready to propose?

A man will propose when he is ready to settle down and being the next phase of his life. A man should never propose when he is not ready to be married OR trying to keep a woman from leaving him. That is not fair to both parties.

Can a man convince a woman who is apprehensive about his husband potential to take him seriously?

Let rephrase the question. Should a man convince a woman who is apprehensive about his husband potential to take him seriously?

If I have to convince a woman about my husband potential then she is not wife material. Period!!

If someone proposes and they don’t get a “yes” the first time, should they try again?

Simply put….NO!! Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you.

I am whatever you say I am (I'm leaving early today. NA NA NANANA )

September 9th, 2010
9:53 am

Blue- 1/2 and 1/2: sounds to me like she’s with him to be with him.
Being a single chick ready for love, that burns me up.
He’s with her when he could be with a more deserving chick like myself :-D

Trevor0529 (S&L commish)

September 9th, 2010
9:54 am

I meant to say ready for the next phase of his life.

I am whatever you say I am (I'm leaving early today. NA NA NANANA )

September 9th, 2010
9:56 am

Simple Man: I’m sorry for your rejection. That sux!
Don’t let that experience shy you away from doing it again.
THere is a woman out there for you that when you meet her, will want to marry you as bad as you want to marry her.

SlimUno - Team Dominatrix

September 9th, 2010
9:58 am

Simple Man – I hear ya….I know many of us women want to be married. However, at times I think it’s sort of like trying to find the end of a rainbow or being celebrity crazed and having the opp to meet your favorite one. We try to find the end of the rainbow or try to meet up with our fav celeb but what the hellz do we do when we finally get there….(proposal) It can be quite scary to have it finally within grasp. I know I would like to be married but if put in the situation of being proposed to, I think I may freak out just a little bit initially until the shock wears off. lol

Leggs

September 9th, 2010
10:04 am

Good morning, everyone!

@SimpleMan ~ may I please have a cup of tea w/lemon?

If he has so many flaws that makes him not marriage material…why is she wasting time dating him??? Perhaps she’s just playing the field until another prospect comes along and she can kick him to the curb. In the meantime, she’s probably just playing and feels it’s best to be in a relationship than out of one!

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
10:04 am

I Am…You leaving early to get front row seat to watch the game tonight???

Slim…I think I might be getting ready to give up the single life…. You ready to be my Boo??? :D :D :D

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
10:05 am

Morning Leggs!!! Not only can you have your tea, But I will serve it to you on a silver platter!!!

Mo (aka Moeisha)

September 9th, 2010
10:06 am

Mawning Everybody

Simple Man – I’ll have the same as Leggs, my sinuses are giving me the blues!

Im lurking for now, I’ll chime in later

blue - Half-n-Half

September 9th, 2010
10:14 am

alright, just realizing that i left my wallet on the couch….not good since i want a blueberry muffin and all i have in my change jar is $.45 and a paperclip(?)….gonna be a long day….

Leggs

September 9th, 2010
10:17 am

@blue ~ does that mean your driver’s license is also on that couch?

blue - Half-n-Half

September 9th, 2010
10:18 am

@Leggs – si…fortunately mr.blue has my car today so i wont be driving….

SlimUno - Team Dominatrix

September 9th, 2010
10:20 am

‘I think I might be getting ready to give up the single life…. You ready to be my Boo???’

Simple Man – You do realize that I can see your post to other people right—–>’Morning Leggs!!! Not only can you have your tea, But I will serve it to you on a silver platter!!!”

Yeah I’m ready to be taken off the market so I can finally let my man give these 32 year old ovaries & eggs some of that guuuud baby making juice. :lol: Want my family up under the same roof

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
10:21 am

Blue go get that muffin…Charge it to the good looking Simple Man in the corner….

Simple Man!!!!

September 9th, 2010
10:22 am

mmmmm…ughhhhh….. LOL

SlimUno - Team Dominatrix

September 9th, 2010
10:22 am

‘just realizing that i left my wallet on the couch’

Blue – Wednesday evening I went and got gas but used my card at the pump. So after I swiped, i put it in my back pocket….fast forward to yesterday morning when it’s time to pay for my coffee and bagel, I realize I never took my card out my pants pocket. Thank goodness the lady still let me get my order after scraping up only enough for my coffee with the change in the bottom of my purse. Dontcha just hate when that happens. lol

Leggs

September 9th, 2010
10:24 am

@SlimNu ~ funny!

kimmie

September 9th, 2010
10:25 am

Good morning all!

Make that 3 for tea, Simple! I just love tea with lemon!

For the woman in the story, I kind of have a different take on what her mindset about her boyfriend is. Other than the obvious, which is why is she wasting her time with someone she doesn’t even seem to like. He may be one of those over-eager dudes, which can be kind of irritating. He does things more on impulse, jumps into things for all the wrong reasons, instead of approaching things logically. If he would just quit jumping around and sit down and get his head out of the clouds about ole girl, he could sense her irritation with him and her lack of enthusiasm. He’d probably see that they aren’t a good fit. She probably thinks he’s a nice enough guy, but can’t really see herself married to him. We don’t know how long they have been dating, but I bet not very long.

I don’t know because I’m not a guy, but I would think a good way to reasonably think a guy will get a yes is to really see where her head is and get to know her well. You should know her views on marriage and family and what she envisions for her future before even considering proposing. Talk about a possible future together should have taken place already. Really the only surprise should be when the actual proposal is taking place, not if. Feel her out. You should have a good idea where her head is about you. To just pull a proposal out of a hat, without much thought or consideration, does not appear to be wise, even if she does say yes. Her lack of enthusiasm and other verbal and non-verbal clues should give you a reasonable idea if you two have a future together or not.

Melo

September 9th, 2010
10:26 am

Hey Leggs!

Slim, u feel the bio clock?
So what’s up with that latest Mr and his stories?

Any new developments?

I wonder if JT’s wedding/marriage which was meant for august actually went thru…..

Hope she’s on honeypotenjoying, I mean honey moon.

kimmie

September 9th, 2010
10:28 am

Slim – I’m notorious for doing like you did in your 10:22!

Leggs

September 9th, 2010
10:28 am

Anybody on here can interpret dreams about death? I have a doosey. Email me.

Leggs

September 9th, 2010
10:29 am

Morning, Melo.

blue - ½ -n- ½

September 9th, 2010
10:31 am

@Leggs – its all that midget boys fault…took my wallet out to pay for his blasted field trip, that he needed an answer for today when we just got word about it yesterday…hate it when teachers do that….
@Simple Man – gracias, senor Muffin Man… ;)
@Slim – oh, ive done that b4. the best one is when i put my card in the sleeve with my work badge, then get home, go out, having forgotten to put it back in my wallet. i have had whole carts wrung up at Wally World only to realize i have no card! embarassing….

i'm swiss™

September 9th, 2010
10:33 am

Leggs — If memory serves, I believe I’ve hear some quacks psychologists say that dreams about death often have some sort of underlying sexual meaning. Did you murder me in your dream??? :lol:

BTW, your theme song (ZZ Top “Legs”) is playing on my iTunes right now, whatever that means… :lol:

i'm swiss™

September 9th, 2010
10:34 am

Oops, “heard” not “hear”