Does income impact fidelity?
You guys may or may not know I am a fan of science and research. It just fascinates me to see the type of studies that are done to observe human behavior. One recent article in Science Daily had me thinking a little about money, power, and fidelity.
Researchers found that men are more likely to be unfaithful to their mate if they are financially dependent on their woman. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you?!
I wondered about the dynamics involved in that type of relationship that would make a man more likely to cheat. There are a lot of different factors that lead to infidelity. Income was not one I really thought about before.
I suppose the “financial shift in power” could lead to trouble in a relationship. How would you cope with that kind of dynamic?
It doesn’t surprise me that the study found women to be the opposite. The author reports that in the study “women who were financially dependent on their male partners were less likely to cheat than women who made the same as or more than their male partners.”
What do you think? Is it possible that our views about money and power can manifests itself in our relationship in terms of fidelity?
Does it say anything about how we view our gender identity and roles in today’s relationships?
Oh the joy of statistics! Do you think they are reliable or just scientific fluff?
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206 comments Add your comment
Kym
September 1st, 2010
8:39 am
Good Morning All,
Wisey…I would like to play the fluff card on these stats. I find it hard to believe that a person’s fidelity is tied to how much cash they make or don’t make. I always look at cheating as a matter of emotion.. Lust, selfishness etc..are more emotional responses. What about these high level execs who leave their first wives for a new trophy wife?
YESSHEISCUTE
September 1st, 2010
8:40 am
The bottom line is if you have respect for your word you won’t go back on it. Money or no money.
2CPTG©
September 1st, 2010
8:41 am
g’morning…
Before commenting, I had to read the article; and just as I guessed, the study “examined 18- to 28-year-old married and cohabitating respondents.” Additionally, “The study uses data from the 2002 through 2007 waves of the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth.”
I too am a lover of statistics, and all things mathematically related; You asked do you think it’s reliable, or just scientific fluff? As you know, anytime you’re doing any type of scientific study, you must have a null hypothesis, and an alternative hypothesis – with the null being your default, and the alternative being that which you intend to prove. So to me, the author had a preconceived notion already that men cheat regardless. Because the author also says, “Ironically, men who make significantly more than their female partners were also more likely to cheat.” so he’s essentially saying it doesn’t matter if the man makes more or less than his partner, he gon’ cheat!!!!
Simple Man!!!!
September 1st, 2010
8:51 am
Morning ladies!!!
To take this from the end….There is a degree of fluff in these surveys because I am not sure how honest people are when it come to giving up info on their sex live. That being said, I understand and have seen the dynamic that Diva speaks of first hand! I Have a golfing buddy that lost a six figure job late last year and now his families well being id dependant on his wifes income. After a few months of being unemployed, he started this fling with a young girl that is barely out of college! His rational is that his wife treats him differently because he is o longer the bread winnner and the “Child” he is creeping with allows him to still feel like “The man”. I know that is petty on his part, but I also believe there is somthing to his complaint that his wife changed when his money dipped….
Dirty Diana ♠ Wednesday Lover
September 1st, 2010
9:03 am
Hola!
Well, well, well I have seen the unemployed, underemployed, and unlikely to gain employment men that are the worst cheaters. Do I believe there is something to this study? YES. Do I think all men that are depending on their woman financially cheat? NO. Are broke men cheating everyday? OF COURSE.
@Simple Man I can see your buddy wife treating him different after losing his 6-figure job. When you start pulling back the layers maybe she feels he is NOT spending enough time looking for another job. Perhaps the time he spends with that “Bratz Doll/GF” he ought to be asking would you like some fries with that order. Maybe he is doing my favorite, while unemployed and broke saying I am not going to take this 60K job, instead of taking that 60K job and doing something on the side even if it is selling scrap metal. IMO when the funds are low it is time to get-get-get-it! Life is not Candyland or Fantasy Island, a lost of income is a problem he should try to restore whatever income he can, instead of humping on some young’un playing like he is on the Love Boat. The only game we are playing is the “Game of Life.”
Dirty Diana ♠ Wednesday Lover
September 1st, 2010
9:06 am
For richer or for poorer…think about what you are signing up for.
I would like to hear from the wo/men that cheat with OPP, especially those that cheated with someone that only had romance, and not the finance.
Kimmy
September 1st, 2010
9:07 am
People cheat and they have various reasons for doing so. We spend so much time asking why people cheat instead of just accepting that they do and some always will. Some people are selfish and only think about themselves. At the end of the day cheating it basically misleading someone and taking away that persons options by not being honest.
Simple Man!!!!
September 1st, 2010
9:13 am
Dirty Diana ♠….Whats good beautiful??? I agree with your point on my boy! While I know how hard it must be to go back to square one, I can’t imagine being our age and not being on the grind SOMEWHERE! Now that thing with his wife is sooooo scary for me! They have been married for 13 or 14 years and I thought they had a good marrige. Is hard for me to think that after all those years she tripped because the economy tanked and that after all the time he spent telling us how much he loved herr that he would catch a side piece that brings absolutely NOTHING to the table ( except pouty lips and flexabilty
DC Rose
September 1st, 2010
9:22 am
Good Morning all -
Sounds like the reseach study achieved the outcome it planned. I don’t think cheating and income are necessarily related. I think cheating is done by selfish, self-absorbed people. They find ways to blame their partners for choices they made and to justify their dishonesty.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
September 1st, 2010
9:22 am
Morning eva-body!!
Ive had the unfortunate experience of being married and my husband losing his job. It wasnt that he lost his job that bothered me (even though I felt as if he knew it was coming and didnt care to try and prevent/prolong it) but the lack of urgency on his part. Yes, I was making more money than he was and could have maintained the household without his income but we were married so maintaining our household was on ‘US’ not just me or just him. Not to mention we had a kid and I was working for a company this was/is still laying off employees quarterly!
Back to lurking….time to start working. I’ll pop back in later……
Dirty Diana ♠ Wednesday Lover
September 1st, 2010
9:24 am
Simple Man, I agree with you. (1) It is hard to rebuild and recover, but you have to put in some effort, and if his wife is holding down the fort; every little bit will make it easier on you. I have a relative and her hubby was making 55k per year he lost his job and decided to sit on the couch and not look for anything until the unemployment ran out–well it is completely out. She told me if he just took a job making anything that would make things easier on her (hell $250 a week). Plus with the economy she was mad that he tried “to rest a minute” (his words), and nothing is coming in now.
As for your buddy, after 13-14 years you would think his marriage could handle the lost of income, but that goes back to my other theory. Do we ever really and truly get to know people? I don’t think so, and sometimes depression sets in and everything else. I am with you the whole marriage thing is scary, but I think if you marry well you will be ok. By marrying well I mean someone that is realistic and when the “going gets tough, the tough gets going.”
Leggs
September 1st, 2010
9:38 am
Good morning.
There are so many reasons why men and women cheat. Income is only a tip of the iceberg. If you honor your vows, respect your spouse, and know how to control and walk away from temptation, cheating would not occur. You should control yourself and not let the situation control you!
DC Rose
September 1st, 2010
9:43 am
@DD – By marrying well I mean someone that is realistic and when the “going gets tough, the tough gets going.”
You don’t find out this was all talk on your SO’s side until it happens. They can answer all the questions with what they “should” say, but never have any intention of putting it into play when the time comes.
My ex was unemployed every 18 months. Everytime the honeymoon at work was over, he became ‘difficult’ to his employers. He never thought it was important to maintain employment because he had my income. Towards the end, yes I treated him differently. He was living off of me without any consideration for our future. He would make stupid comments to his friends about how great his golf game was since he could play everday. And yes, he was/is a cheater. and yes, he blamed me. But it’s hard to love some one that is draining the life out of you.
Simple Man!!!!
September 1st, 2010
9:50 am
Morning Leggs!!! How did the track meet go yesterday???
M. (pronouced M dot)
September 1st, 2010
9:51 am
Good day.
I think the stats arent really reliable because they survey such as small group and that does not represent everyone.
“I suppose the “financial shift in power” could lead to trouble in a relationship. How would you cope with that kind of dynamic?”
I think the financial shift in power should not matter if you two are married. If she makes $95,000 and he makes $55,000, or he makes $95,000 and she makes $55,000 then the $150,000 is both of your community property. There should still be a mutual level of respect no matter who makes more.
Dan - simply...
September 1st, 2010
9:54 am
Of course, cheating is – at its heart – a power play.
Anyone beyond the age of 20 knows that cheating will destroy a relationship. To do it and not get caught is the attempt to regain some control (or semblance) by the cheater.
So if she’s banking and calling the financial shots – I’ll show her “who run it” and vice versa.
M. (pronuoced M dot)
September 1st, 2010
9:54 am
@DC
If a guy has to follow the lead of his woman, she will never have respect for him. Thats why guys should never really be financially dependent on a woman because it will in some fashion always turn into a mother/child relationship.
M. (pronuoced M dot)
September 1st, 2010
9:59 am
@Dan
That is true. Alot of guys if they are in a financially subserviant position with their woman, they dont think they have any control because she makes all the money, so they feel like if she is controlling the finances, I will control the infidelity of the relationship. Cheating gives them a false sense of power.
DC Rose
September 1st, 2010
10:00 am
M. – There should still be a mutual level of respect no matter who makes more. Agreed. Community property and mutual respect, but please earn something. But if the level of earnings are voluntarily changed by one without an agreement from the other, then there’s a problem. We all know that most companies use the current economy as an excuse to get rid of the bothersome employee. Tardy, combative, lazy and plain old ‘just don’t fit in’. Why compromise your/y’alls future ’cause he can’t tell you what to do’. I just want to make the point, that some people abuse the joint account.
Leggs
September 1st, 2010
10:01 am
Morning Simple Man ~ it went very well…she looked fab. She came in 3rd out of about 21 girls.
M. (pronuoced M dot)
September 1st, 2010
10:02 am
@DC
I feel you! So every 18 months he would get tired and want to just be a stay at home boyfriend?
DC Rose
September 1st, 2010
10:07 am
M. – No kids at home. He would come up with projects/home improvements that we couldn’t afford on one income. And be pissed if he didn’t get the cash he needed. I starting hiding the bill money so he couldn’t f@ck if up. Too much effort and stress to love.
M. (pronuoced M dot)
September 1st, 2010
10:12 am
@DC
Yeah if its a draining relationship you have to go. Everytime I cancel someone that is draining me, I always feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.
Dirty Diana ♠ Wednesday Lover
September 1st, 2010
10:16 am
@DC Rose,
I hear you and I have seen employees get tired after the “honeymoon” stage. At least he did his in 18 month intervals, most do it 6-12 month intervals. I do believe folks answer the questions with what they think we want to hear, that is why I mentioned in my 9:24 we never truly know folks. People will flip the script will quick.
As for the joint account, I believe in this. A joint checking account (we are both making deposits) for bills only and a joint savings account (we both are making flat rate deposit of $ to cover emergencies) outside of that I am keeping my money in my own accounts and he should do the same. Abuse my money and I will…nevermind.
DC, did he have a lot to offer in the early stages nice home, car, money in the bank, good credit score, no drama, solid job, etc? (if you don’t mind asking)? Oh yea my relative that I mentioned early her husband went to Home Depot spent money out their joint account and bought paint that was cheap (customized colors that the person did not want) and painted their basement and kids’ rooms all kinds of colors from granny smith green to Barney purple.
Derby
September 1st, 2010
10:18 am
I am currently married and my husband has not worked in over a year. It does put a strain on your relationship, esp. when it seems like the unemployed person is not trying and when you get home from a hard day’s work, they look the same way they did when you left the house and the house does too..sigh. I have never condoned cheating…but I understand now what may make a person step out. And I would be the one steppin’ if only just to feel appreciated as something other than “The Problem Solver”. That may turn a man on, but it does nothing for me.
Dirty Diana ♠ Wednesday Lover
September 1st, 2010
10:18 am
Everytime I cancel someone that is draining me, I always feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.
M.dot/DC that is why I am very very particular about who I let in my circle, because when folks start cutting up be it friendship or relationship I give them the boot. Nobody is going to drain my dry!
Simple Man!!!!
September 1st, 2010
10:26 am
Derby, How do you handle your situation?? Is there some outlet you have that helps you keep from stepping out, leaving or just plain KILLING his azz???
kimmie
September 1st, 2010
10:27 am
Good morning all!
Yeah, I don’t put too much stock in statistics, especially those dealing with subjective, matters-of-the-heart stuff.
That being said, if a person is really trying to find a job and contribute to the family, they shouldn’t have the time or energy to cheat. Notice I said “person”, cause yes it does work both ways.
I have a friend who’s husband quit a great paying job and she was a stay-at-home mother. She immediately went to work – took one of those Census jobs to bring in some money until she found something permanent. He had a little pity party for about a week, wouldn’t jobhunt or help out around the house. They had to take the child out of the fancy school she attended. She was supportive as long as she could be, but finally had to put her foot down. I’ve never heard her sound as frustrated as she was sounding. He finally dragged up and luckily was able to find a bigger, better-paying job after about 5 months. She admitted it was rough because he wasn’t the same man she had been married to for 10 years. His whole attitude changed. They went to counseling and things are back on track.
Lazy is not attractive and can ruin a relationship just like cheating can.
DC Rose
September 1st, 2010
10:29 am
DD – We bought out 1st property together. He was never good at managing money. I always had the stronger credit score. He was employed the entire time we were dating. 3 mos. after we were married, he came home and announced that he quit his job and was starting a business. No plan, no clients, no money. I was reluctantly supportive. He completely changed our life plan without discussion. The relationship was a repeat of that – constantly – until I quit. I mean how can two people make a plan to pay off the house and cars, save, travel… and then one veers off course that way? You can’t expect the other person be overjoyed about it, especially if it’s not working.
SexyCool
September 1st, 2010
10:29 am
Regardless of the motivation or bllsht logic behind cheating, it’s a grimy move.
DC Rose
September 1st, 2010
10:37 am
Derby – He’ll probably cheat before you do. He’ll be whinning about how you don’t treat him like a king anymore. I apologize for what I’m writing, but if he can’t at least clean up, grocery shop and cook meals while you’re at work, he’s ONLY a drain on you. And as long as you’re ‘handling’ it, he won’t step up to the plate.
This is just my distorted opinion and may not apply to your household.
2CPTG©
September 1st, 2010
10:40 am
“Regardless of the motivation or bllsht logic behind cheating, it’s a grimy move.”
So eloquent and to the point!!!
AmazonRed™ - faithful
September 1st, 2010
10:41 am
Morning all –
They were discussing this on Michael Baisden yesterday. I think it makes sense. When a woman is providing better than the man could, it’s emasculating. I can see them stepping outside their union to someone who makes them feel like the king again.
I can certainly see why these losers always pick the worst mistresses, ie chicks that have nothing to lose cuz they have nothing going for them. *tsk*
2CPTG©
September 1st, 2010
10:46 am
“I can see them stepping outside their union to someone who makes them feel like the king again.”
I can’t! Hell, if you ain’t even the King in your own home (financially speaking), how you gon’ be king somewhere else? Good dyck don’t make you a king…holdin’ down the kingdom makes you a king!
kimmie
September 1st, 2010
10:47 am
He completely changed our life plan without discussion.
DC – That sounds like some of what went down with my friend. Her hubby is highly educated and has some solid job experience that is impressive. He will get these fabulous, high-paying jobs that send him to exotic locales like the Swiss Alps and the Lamborghini facilities in Italy. But it’s always something that’s not quite right. He’s never satisfied. Something happens and he either quits or gets “laid off”.
She admitted to me recently that even though she dearly loves him, this is not what she signed up for. Due to his instability, they were not able to have the large family they had agreed on when they married. She said she’s afraid of having more than the one child because of this. This is not the kind of life they agreed that they wanted.
Raqi
September 1st, 2010
10:54 am
Good dyck don’t make you a king…holdin’ down the kingdom makes you a king!
That is the truth and nothing but the truth.
AmazonRed™ - faithful
September 1st, 2010
10:55 am
I can’t! Hell, if you ain’t even the King in your own home (financially speaking), how you gon’ be king somewhere else? Good dyck don’t make you a king…holdin’ down the kingdom makes you a king!
I agree, but I can see where the flawed thought process originates from.
I have a friend who came back from his honeymoon and found out he lost his job. His wife kept grinding, even had two jobs. She tried to be patient, but when she came home and he didn’t even tidy up the house…trouble brewed. Just cuz you’re out of work doesn’t mean you can’t hold down it down somewhere…start at home!
Derby
September 1st, 2010
10:55 am
Simple Man- I am dealing the best I can…..I have one family member that knows the whole, complete real deal holyfield! I can tell her anything. It helps to have that release.
DC Rose- No offense taken….I just pray for his sake that you are dead wrong. Or it will get really live in “Derbyville”
To the person that said cheating is foul….I totally agree. There is no justification. As someone once said…”Didn’t say it was right, but I understand”.
Simple Man!!!!
September 1st, 2010
10:56 am
So ladies let me ask you this….How important is how important is your mans self esteem to you?? If he is not feeling good about himself, do you feel any obligation to help get him back in the saddle so that he does not feel the need to look outside to feel better????
Kym
September 1st, 2010
10:56 am
@kimmie..sounds like he is searching for something that has nothing to do with wife, family or job. He has some internal kind of need going on and no amount of money will ever be able to give a person that feeling of self-love and self-worth.
SexyCool
September 1st, 2010
11:01 am
Simple – Whereas I do not feel *responsible* for his self-esteem, I am aware that I can affect it negatively or positively. I strive to consistently build him up and do nothing to tear him down, certainly not intentionally, but unintentionally as well.
Tracey
September 1st, 2010
11:01 am
I love all these studies that try to put the blame for infidelity on an external source. People who cheat lack character. That is the bottom line. There is no situation or person that will make a person cheat if some part of them doesn’t believe that that type of dishonest behavior is OK. Cheaters have only to look at themselves for the reasons why they cheat. Cheaters are dishonest, disloyal, weak willed, weak minded, and lack adequate coping skills. Cheating is classic avoidant behavior.
Simple Man!!!!
September 1st, 2010
11:02 am
“Good dyck don’t make you a king” …..In the grand scheme of things this is true but…..There is mos def something to be said for bringing the wood!! I know I can’t be the only person here that know of a case where a dude ain’t got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but he is laying good pipe and his lady keeps holding on because of it….
Raqi
September 1st, 2010
11:02 am
And my thoughts of “holdin’ down the kingdom” is not just financial input but so much more. But that’s a discussion for another day.
kimmie
September 1st, 2010
11:02 am
Kym – I agree and I said as much to my friend and she agreed. They talked about that in the counseling, but he really needs counseling different from marriage counseling with those issues.
Leggs
September 1st, 2010
11:03 am
@Derby ~ been there, done that! Hopefully, your line of communication is intact. Might be time to call a “family meeting” and have “the talk” re finances, expectation, long-term goals. Get back in his mind and see where and what he wants. Determine how he’s feeling by not having a job and where is mind is.
@SimpleMan ~ it’s important to me to ask what’s going on. It’s important to do my best to “assist” in him feeling better about things. I can’t build his self-esteem. It’s his to build, hence the prefix “self.” If he continues to say “nothing is wrong” then eventually I’m going to stop asking. I can’t hold your hand when you don’t want me to hold your hand!
AmazonRed™ - faithful
September 1st, 2010
11:04 am
How important is how important is your mans self esteem to you??
As Katt Willliams said, it’s called SELF esteem!
I can support him all I want, encourage him, love him, but the way he feels about himself and his lot in life is up to him.
kimmie
September 1st, 2010
11:06 am
Simple – Regarding your 11:02, I think we all know of such cases and some might have been there themselves at some point.
But that mess gets OLD!
DC Rose
September 1st, 2010
11:06 am
Simple Man – I started out being supportive of my blk man. We all know how fragile your self esteem can be. Don’t jump my azz for this statement. But it’s very hard to show someone respect when they’re not giving you the same. I consider it disrespectful to let me work two jobs, while you’re playing golf and spending money. You are not entitled to respect, you earn it.
Leggs
September 1st, 2010
11:08 am
“…a dude ain’t got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but he is laying good pipe and his lady keeps holding on because of it….
Then she’s lonely, scared, thirsty, crazy and just might have a better caregiver on the side. If she doesn’t, probably believes in the crazy concept it’s better to be with someone than be alone.