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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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What do women want?

I was asked the dreaded question: What are you looking for in a man?  I suppose I can understand why men ask this question.  It is one of those questions that men think can reveal what type of woman you are and if you are compatible.

I still hate the question… with a passion.

I usually dodge the question by making a joke or something, not very mature, I  know.   I have been accused of not knowing what I want, and maybe that is partly true.  I think I could talk more about what I don’t want.  When it comes to what I want, I believe I will know it when I see it!

Men, is it important to you that women know what they want?  Do you ever ask women this question? What kind of responses do you get?  Are you trying to determine if her expectations are rooted in reality or fantasy?

Ladies, how do you handle it when men ask you this? Do you have a stock answer prepared just to satisfy their curiosity?

What do you think women want?

175 comments Add your comment

Mr_NYC

August 31st, 2010
8:25 am

Good morning.
Speak honestly and keep your word.

YESSHEISCUTE

August 31st, 2010
8:46 am

I don’t tell them what my ideal man as far as idiosyncracies go because I don’t need someone posing based off of a “list”. I created. But I name basic qualities that most human beings should have. Just to give them a general idea that I’m not dealing with degenerates.

2CPTG©

August 31st, 2010
8:50 am

g’ morning…
I stopped asking that question a long time ago; cause saying what you want kinda limits your options, or puts you in a box to only look for certain kinda dudes; whereas if you just go with the flow, and if you vibe with a dude, then ride it til the wheels fall off. Granted, there are gonna be some non-negotiables, but if those aren’t present, then roll with it…Cause I don’t believe anyone definitively knows what they want.

Simple Man!!!!

August 31st, 2010
8:59 am

Morning all!!! I am sure this question is only used as a conversation starter in most cases…. The sad part is I know lots of women that have a list and try to hold to it down to the letter!! When I meet these ladirs, they immediately go to the other than serious pile because I know for sure that they are not prepared to deal with a man in the real world…..

Kym

August 31st, 2010
9:05 am

Good Morning All,

I am with you Wisey…I’ll know it when I see it and I have only seen it 3 times so far.I hate this question..I mean what are you suppose to say? “NOT YOU”..but I am learning to master the art of ignoring questions I don’t want to answer.

Man: So dear…what are you looking for in a man?
Kym: Oh my goodness? Did you see that?(Distraction)

Man: Now back to my question..what is it you want from your man?
Kym: ICE CREAM!
Man: What?!
Kym: I feel like Ice cream(More Distraction)

Man: Are just trying to avoid answering me?
Kym: Sorry what did you say?
Man: I wanted to know what you are looking for in a man?
Kym: Here hold this..(Ultimate Distraction)

Kym

August 31st, 2010
9:14 am

Oh and speaking on yesterday’s Facebook topic..I read this morning that a woman was tortured and beaten over something her boyfriend read on Facebook. He thought she was cheating based on a message that was posted.

Kym

August 31st, 2010
9:26 am

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 31st, 2010
9:39 am

Good day.

I rarely ask women this question of what they want because they don’t know. I think with them being built on emotion, what they want changes like the weather. One minute, they think they want a situation like what their best friend has, then they want something they seen in a TP movie, then they want something totally different.

I think some women want a guy they can control but its a catch 22 because if they can control him, then they wont respect him.

I think we should reframe the question to what women NEED. I think they need a guy that they can respect, and a guy who they cant run all over.

I think they need a guy that will keep their heads out of the clouds and who is logical with them.=.
I think they need a guy that is ambitious and who will rub off on her in a good way.
I think they need a guy that is a mature communicator.

I think where a lot of women go wrong is there is a lot of stuff that they want but the question is can they match or go beyond what they are requiring of you.

If you demand a lot make sure you have even more to offer!

Ladies ask yourself, what do I really have to offer in a serious relationship? Please respond!

2CPTG©

August 31st, 2010
10:05 am

Dude, you tell a female what she “needs,” you’re liable to get cut!

MELO

August 31st, 2010
10:14 am

@M(dot)??

Put ur head gear and bullet vest on and put on the hard knock shoes and dont forget the red flashing light coz u know Kimmie is coming strong, after you!

I think they need a guy that they can respect, and a guy who they cant run all over they dont go out intially seeking this one. They will find this other one initially attractive think some women want a guy they can control but its a catch 22 because if they can control him, then they wont respect him this one here is a guy who caves in to their whims,turns and does all the nice things for them….but like u say,eventually,this muffccka loses his appeal coz of his jelly back.

Handle a woman with some light roughness(to match her tender skin) and ride her good and u get lots and lots of respect! :lol: :lol:

kimmie

August 31st, 2010
10:15 am

Good morning blog crew!

A lady that attended UGA during the time I was there is on a cover story of the ajc. She is a Pulitzer Prize winning poet and a professor at Emory. She has a book coming out about Katrina. Outstanding lady and fellow Dawg Natasha Tretheway!

On topic – Just another stupid question I don’t get asked much but have never answered, along with other stupid questions such as, “why aren’t you married?” and “how many?”.

2C – You right, some dude better not LOOK like he’s gonna tell ME what I NEED! How can someone else tell you what you need? Yeah, right up there with STUPID!

kimmie

August 31st, 2010
10:19 am

Melo – I’d be wasting my breathe! Like Raqi said a few weeks ago, he’s out of his league. He’s a small-town guy trying to navigate the dating world in the big city and keeps coming up short. Classic case of “deer in the headlights”!

See, the folk I deal with are like the schoolmate I spoke about earlier – folks that are too busy out here doing the dang thang instead of talking about it! Living life instead of letting life live you!

Darling Nikki (AKA..PrincessNik)

August 31st, 2010
10:20 am

What’s up ya’ll!

I happen to agree with M. 9:39 post the followin parts at least:

guy that they can respect, and a guy who they cant run all over

a guy that will keep their heads out of the clouds and who is logical with them

a guy that is a mature communicator

a guy that is ambitious and who will rub off on her in a good way.

That applies to me. I can only speak for me though.

Simple Man!!!!

August 31st, 2010
10:22 am

Please kimmie, don’t hurt him!!! LOL :D

Kym

August 31st, 2010
10:22 am

I will agree with the part of mature communicator..please if you call me or send me an email..have something to talk about.

It's me....lurker

August 31st, 2010
10:24 am

Mdot women may not know what they want but you won’t be the one telling ‘em. If you’re still living between a rock and a hard place in a relationship you haven’t mastered the art of…..women ain’t that difficult or complicated. Grown women want a real man and already know a real man ain’t having it nor will you run over him. Somebody that wants something true and fulfilled won’t want to be bothered

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 31st, 2010
10:35 am

@Kimmie

Good day to you also. Small city? Huh? Im from the South Side of Chicago so get your facts right. My response was just to the topic thats all.

@Nikki

I’m glad you can recognize when someone is trying inform you. If you are trying to get a guy wouldnt you want some advice from a guy?

I think alot of women have the Kimmie Complex…Just because they have A MAN they think they have it is figured out. Just because you just have a guy does not mean you have it figured out yet. Thats like saying you been in the NFL for 15 years but you have not won a championship yet. Also who knows if we can believe what Kimmie says, its the internet anyway aka the ego machine where fakers can pretend to be real all day long and create a fantasy.

@SimpleMan

I see you on the sideline in your cheerleading outfit trying to instigate and get some shine lol. I think he is an honorary woman today.

@Lurker

I understand what you saying about them wanting a real man, but 99% of the women out here wouldnt recognize a real man if he stepped on her toe and she wouldnt know how to handle him anyway.

AmazonRed™

August 31st, 2010
10:36 am

Morning all -

Though not always an easy question to answer, I don’t think it qualifies as a stupid question. It’s a question that measure’s where your standards lie. And quite honestly, a lot of people DON’T know what they want. So to see someone clearly articulate what they want and what they require is a telling sign.

What do I want? A committed relationship, rooted in trust, honestly, loyalty and character.

kimmie

August 31st, 2010
10:41 am

M dot – :lol:

Dot, if I don’t have it figured out by now, Lord help me! LOLOL!!! And I have more to do with my time than create fantasy on the Internet. I live in reality.

You still sound green, but I’m done with you today. Take it easy! :)

Simple Man!!!!

August 31st, 2010
10:43 am

Mdot…A little early to be so serious,Huh?? Put down the Starbucks and exhale…Your day will get better!

Darling Nikki (AKA..PrincessNik)

August 31st, 2010
10:51 am

ARed,

I agree with you, alot of times people DON’T know what they want. I know i typically know what i DON’T WANT based on previous experiences. I do know i want the end result to be a healthy, happy committed relationship built on trust honesty loyalty and character much like you described for yourself.

Luvbug

August 31st, 2010
10:57 am

Don’t think I’ve been asked the question out right…but monogamous, loving, and responsible are good traits to see in a guy.

M. – What percentage of women you’ve dated are like the ones you’ve described in your posts so far this morning?? What percentage of women you haven’t dated (family and friends) are that way??

MELO

August 31st, 2010
10:59 am

@Ared??

I do agree with you as well because even when u identify those qualities in a person, u are still going to find that as you open or unwrap the onion even more,some darker layers may emerge that you would not be comfortable with.

People are very complex creatures indeed.

It takes a lot of luck and pure fate for you to have a chance meeting with the promised one.

Not to speak of the recreational,accidental and regreteable phucckling around you indulge in as you get around,getting ur chops and getting experienced! :lol: :lol:

Have a good day folks!

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 31st, 2010
11:00 am

@Luvbug

The women that Ive dated that fit into the post is definately less than 5. I am going off of what I have seen, dealt with. All first hand experiences.

kimmie

August 31st, 2010
11:04 am

I’m inclined to agree with 2C in that most folks don’t know what they want. If they do, that kind of boxes them in and limits their options. I feel it’s more important to know what you don’t want and won’t tolerate. As for the things you do want, there are certain basics I think everyone would want in a mate, beyond that are particular preferences.

Beyond the basics, what is the big deal about not pinpointing EXACTLY what you want in a person?

I mean, what is a guy going to say if he asks you and you give him a list and there are a few things he doesn’t have? Do you say – oh well, that’s a wrap?

AmazonRed™

August 31st, 2010
11:07 am

Exactly Darling Nik

I mean, in a job interview folks will ask you who you are and what you’re looking for in a job. You should be able to clearly articulate that when asked. It shouldn’t be such a stretch to do it in the realm of love either.

Kym

August 31st, 2010
11:09 am

I think the issue of respect is universal for both men and women. Everyone wants to be with someon who is respectful. Respect my feelings(don’t do stuff to deliberately hurt me) Respect my time(Let me know when you are going to be late)Respect my space..(Don’t crowd me bro)

Luvbug

August 31st, 2010
11:11 am

M. – Less than the number 5 or 5 percent??

East Point's Own

August 31st, 2010
11:15 am

I ask the question to get a real answer. This is one of the best questions that can give some insight into whether the woman has thought about her dating strategy, or is just hopping form relationship to relationship without learning from her past. Just like you said most women will either begin with what they want and wonder off into talking about what they don’t want, or they will straight up say I don’t know… but these are the things I don’t want.

I think that if all you can do is tell me what you don’t want, you are focused on the negatives from the start, and I am going to have to fight an uphill battle with you because you are automatically focused on every mistake I make, or everything that I do that you don’t understand, more often than not that means that everytime I miss a call or stay out late, I was probably with another woman in your mind. That example is not to say that all women who respond this way will automatically accuse men of cheating but it sets the tone for a lack of trust and a lot of explanations of innocent things that should not be an issue.

Further I think that the answer you provided is a part of the problem with people dating these days. We most often do not realize what we like (or more importantly, what we need)when we see it, we realize it often after we have begun to burn a bridge with that person, or after someone has had enough of the explaining and accusations and there is a major blow up & a sit down conversation to bring things back in line.

If you don’t know what you want in a man, that means to me that you have not taken time to get to know yourself, and what you want out of life, because you can’t know what you want in a man if you don’t know what you want for yourself first. I will say this also, its ok to change the qualities you want in a man, and its ok to have a short list of only 2 or 3 items on your list, you can keep it basic, but its just the fact that you have a baseline to work form that lets me know that you have put some energy into thinking about where you want to end upand with who. When women ask me this question my response is usually 3-4 items really simple, but those 3-4 items are the bare minimum traits that must exist for us to get along everything else can be worked out as we go along.

http://hispointofview.com <–new post this a.m. for ya'll who have been following…thank you all.

It's me....lurker

August 31st, 2010
11:16 am

@Lurker – I understand what you saying about them wanting a real man, but 99% of the women out here wouldnt recognize a real man if he stepped on her toe and she wouldnt know how to handle him anyway

Mdot my man I agree to some extent but for those wanting to play tug of war, cut your losses and move on to a woman that will recognize the good man that you are. Don’t waste your time. IMO, most situations have an easy solution you just have to grow to know that. Some things you won’t learn until you’ve muddle through a few undesirables.

2CPTG©

August 31st, 2010
11:16 am

Everybody wants the same things….just stated differently, that’s all…

’cause when you get down to the nitty gritty, it ain’t nuttin but Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs; and we all have that inherent “wanting” to be loved.

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 31st, 2010
11:16 am

@Luvbug

5 Percent.

I know thats not enough to judge everyone but some people may fit into these categories. Im making a general statement. Plus the dating scene is liquid and shifts every 6-8 months in my opinion.

East Point's Own

August 31st, 2010
11:17 am

@M. Most people and I dare say especially women, are not honest enough with themselves to admit or even to realize what they need to be satisfied or successful in life…
If we/they did what we say we want would be in step with what we say we need.

http://hispointofview.com

2CPTG©

August 31st, 2010
11:21 am

the dating “scene,” or, aspect of dating is liquid? cause the dynamics of dating ain’t changed since the beginning of time, young bruh….

East Point's Own

August 31st, 2010
11:22 am

I ask the question to get a real answer. This is one of the best questions that can give some insight into whether the woman has thought about her dating strategy, or is just hopping form relationship to relationship without learning from her past. Just like you said most women will either begin with what they want and wonder off into talking about what they don’t want, or they will straight up say I don’t know… but these are the things I don’t want.

I think that if all you can do is tell me what you don’t want, you are focused on the negatives from the start, and I am going to have to fight an uphill battle with you because you are automatically focused on every mistake I make, or everything that I do that you don’t understand, more often than not that means that everytime I miss a call or stay out late, I was probably with another woman in your mind. That example is not to say that all women who respond this way will automatically accuse men of cheating but it sets the tone for a lack of trust and a lot of explanations of innocent things that should not be an issue.

Luvbug

August 31st, 2010
11:23 am

M. – LOL. Yeah, that’s hardly enough to generalize with. I figured the number was low, but for a second, I was concerned that the 1 bad broad who represents only 5% was leading 100% of your opinion about the good majority.

Some guys do that…They get on that every women…all women…this and that…when they’re just broken up over the one bad apple.

East Point's Own

August 31st, 2010
11:24 am

Further I think that the answer Diva provided is a part of the problem with people dating these days. We most often do not realize what we like (or more importantly, what we need)when we see it, we realize it often after we have begun to burn a bridge with that person, or after someone has had enough of the explaining and accusations and there is a major blow up & a sit down conversation to bring things back in line.

If you don’t know what you want in a man, that means to me that you have not taken time to get to know yourself, and what you want out of life, because you can’t know what you want in a man if you don’t know what you want for yourself first. I will say this also, its ok to change the qualities you want in a man, and its ok to have a short list of only 2 or 3 items on your list, you can keep it basic, but its just the fact that you have a baseline to work form that lets me know that you have put some energy into thinking about where you want to end upand with who. When women ask me this question my response is usually 3-4 items really simple, but those 3-4 items are the bare minimum traits that must exist for us to get along everything else can be worked out as we go along.

Darling Nikki (AKA..PrincessNik)

August 31st, 2010
11:26 am

East Point

Do you care to share those 3-4 items?

kimmie

August 31st, 2010
11:26 am

Kym – I agree, respect is one of those basics.

In most men I have known, including my SO, they had the basics. But each had something about themselves that I probably would not have “listed” but I liked those traits when I came across them. Sometimes you don’t know you want until it presents itself, which is not a bad thing, especially if it’s not one of those basics, like respect, that should be there anyway.

kimmie

August 31st, 2010
11:30 am

IMO, most situations have an easy solution you just have to grow to know that. Some things you won’t learn until you’ve muddle through a few undesirables.

It’s me – Totally agreed. I’ve “been there, done that” to the point that if I don’t have a good handle on things at this point in my life, I need therapy! Not to say that I’ve stopped learning, but you get my drift!

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 31st, 2010
11:31 am

@East Point’s Own

Agreed. The people who need the most help reject knowledge and help the most.

@2CPTG©

I mean the scene is liquid. Thats why we have to stay updated all around. Of course the game hasnt changed, but the players have. You should read this book black players. 1970’s book and the same stuff is going on now.

@Luvbug

No I feel you. I definately know that you cant put all the bad that one person did into your next relationships. You have to charge them and what they did to the game and move on.

2CPTG©

August 31st, 2010
11:37 am

M., (and I’m not jumpin’ on you..) but lemme pull ya coattail for a second…everything you wrote sounds good……in theory. But the fallacy is that, you can’t TELL ‘em shyt. You gotta SHOW ‘em! I believe we spoke awhile back, and I told you then, it’s all about finesse, young bruh. If you feel like you’re the hottest thing since fire, and this chic NEEDS you in her life, then show and prove…Like ARED used the job analogy, if your boss gotta say, “I’m the boss,” then more than likely, he ain’t…he’s got the title, but he ain’t running thangs..same with a dude; if you gotta say I’mma good dude…then it obviously ain’t showing….

CoolShadow

August 31st, 2010
11:38 am

@Wise Diva
What’s so horrible about the question? It’s a fair one, especially if someone is trying to get to know you.

I’ve asked that question on occasion, but I usually pose it in the form of, “What qualities are most important to you?” What I’ve found out is that the responses are varied and a few of the women’s actions were consistent with their responses. A lot of them would contradict what they stated earlier when their responses and actions were inconsistent and incongruent. Unfortunately, it seems as if most women can rattle off the items they don’t want in a relationship but struggle more to express what they do want.

East Point's Own

August 31st, 2010
11:39 am

1. Our personalities must not conflict greatly, meaning we have to know how to effectively communicate with each other and be willing to negotiate when needed.
2. She must not be satisfied/ too comfortable in her current lifestyle (unless she has the means to go and do as she pleases) I say that because I work hard and I travel and I work long hours at times… a woman can’t complain because she didn’t see me for a couple days while I am handling business, and I don’t expect that my woman should be at home in bed at any time I call her outside of business hours…
3. She must be intelligent and know how to apply her smarts to every day practical situations
4. She must pay attention to her body, meaning eat relatively healthy and in moderation(this is important because I have dated several women who have made the way I eat an issue… and I have dated some women who I could not stand to see the garbage they ate constantly…junk food is ok but not if you have a whole mean of twinkies, soda, and potato chips), participate in some sort of physical activity beyond lifting the fork to face, and when things go wron get it checked out… I know too many women who have ignored medical issues and suffered needlessly when they had good insurance and the money to get treatment.

I think I migh thave to add a #5… I really don’t want to… but this weave/wig/extensions thing is beginning to be a huge turn off for me, especially if you want to go to the beach/pool but not get wet, you can’t work out/do any type of activity because you don’t want to sweat, and I can’t touch your head…ever. “Houston… we have a problem”

2CPTG©

August 31st, 2010
11:40 am

“Thats why we have to stay updated all around.”

This is what I’m talkin bout….stay updated on what? The latest trends, gadgets, and all that other superficial bullshyt! Why? Be you, and do you….

Dirty Diana ♠ Sabali sabali sabali yonkonte

August 31st, 2010
11:42 am

@SimpleMan

I see you on the sideline in your cheerleading outfit trying to instigate and get some shine lol. I think he is an honorary woman today.

Damn, M.dot get Simple a band-aid he just got cut!

Hola !

On topic: What do I want? “I Want Muscles” in the words of Diana Ross.
Seriously, I want someone that can appreciate the sunshine, but dance in the rain. Enjoy the good times, live life, yet realize that that Candyland and Fantasy Island is just a game. We need to be able to have real talk, and have real solutions. Life will not always be a trip to New York and drinks at 21, or chilling in MIA overlooking the beach. I need someone that can stand the test that life brings.

Although champagne dreams and caviar wishes are nice, let’s face it there are going to be beer and peanut days.

MELO

August 31st, 2010
11:46 am

what do women want??:

a big wedding

a big Rock on their finger

a big house with a big kitchen( a showroom to show their friends..no cooking there)

a man with big feet :lol:

a man who can pay all the bills

a man who can provide money for them to shop..Looks dont matter “all that much”

a nice ride that that makes their friends green when they see her in it

a big “Her Only” closet Emelda Marcos style so ALL their shoes can fit in

a man who can provide yearly vacations on his good dime

a stash that she can dip in,on the side,help her poor folks and her mama and cousins and nem

what do men want??:

BEER

football

SEX

chicken and wings

some home cooked food

SEX

ABSOLUTELY NO YAPPING! KEEP UR MOUFS SHUT!

kimmie

August 31st, 2010
11:48 am

EPO – Is this how you approach all your relationships – like a science project? Because just looking at your posts make me tired before I’ve even read them. They sound like a self-help manual. And I’m not picking on you. Like 2C said, you have to approach things with some finese. Yes, you have to ask pertinent questions to get to know someone, but it shouldn’t feel like you’re on a job interview or going thru a police interrogation either. Dating and getting to know someone should be an enjoyable experience. All the stuff like if she has healthy eating and exercise habits you’ll be able to find out as you get to know her. And will that be a deal-breaker? Maybe if her lifestyle isn’t TOO far off from yours, you’ll be able to SHARE with her a better way.

Just my thoughts.

Sigh…… dating just shouldn’t be this hard, guys.

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 31st, 2010
11:48 am

@2CPTG©

I feel you. Im humble and like I always say; I am in the dating scene so I am speaking from the perspective of someone with on the job experience. I dont think a woman needs me, but if she wants to be with me, we have guidelines thats all.

You definately are right. You have to show them. Example, if you have a woman who has a disrespectful disposition, you cant tell her, dont disrespect me, but your whole vibe should come across to her that you arent the guy to be tested or disrepected. Like you said, you cant tell them anything.

East Point's Own

August 31st, 2010
11:48 am

I have read and learned about the ideaology which states that what we speak of and think of becomes our reality… so if we can only imagine the things we don’t want, those are the things we will continue to recieve in life.

I know many people have their thought and concerns with those ideologies, but for the most part I think its true in my life and in the lives of those I observe. Generally positive people have more good things happen to them in life. There have been studies that have come to the same conclusion. Sooo if all you can do is talk about what you don’t want in a man… good luck finding a man with qualities you do want, or as some have stated good luck seeing a man and then determining that he has what you want…LoL