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Reasons to marry differ from our parents?

I used to believe that reasons people got married today seem to differ from the reasons our parents and grandparents got married.  Now, I am wondering if the reasons are the same.

My parents say they married because they wanted to build a life together and have children. After over 43 years of marriage (44th anniversary is next month!) my parents are still together and adorably smitten with one another.

In their case, their motivation for marriage probably centered more around love and family. It is also what held them together. I know a lot of young couples that wanted to marry because they “fell in love” and couldn’t imagine life without the person. A lot of them aren’t together anymore. When that intense feeling subsided, some of them thought it was all over.

Marriage isn’t always about all that passion, some people don’t expect that! Do you think that our reasons to marry today differs from our parents and grandparents?

If so, how? Do you think this is a good thing or a bad thing?

To take it a bit further, hen you look at the reasons men marry, it probably doesn’t align exactly with women. I don’t necessarily think that it should, though. Women and men view marriage quite differently, because we see things differently.

Do you think it is important for a couple to have the same reasons and motivation for marriage? Would that help marriages last longer?

346 comments Add your comment

Simple Man!!!!

August 24th, 2010
9:24 am

Morning folks!!! I think the concept of marriage is still noble but I often question if its somthing that is viable in todays world… My parents were married for 25 plus years and until they love each other dearly until each of their passing. I think their relationship thrived beacuse there was a true heirachy in place that I don’t think can work with todays women…

Keith

August 24th, 2010
9:25 am

First really. Hot dog.

ColdHardTruth

August 24th, 2010
9:25 am

Marriage is for suckers

Keith

August 24th, 2010
9:25 am

Dang almost. Oh well Second.

2CPTG©

August 24th, 2010
9:26 am

morning….

ahh, yeah, folks should have the same motivations for marriage! If not, then they’re not “equally yolked,” and destined for failure. LOVE, and a desire to spend the rest of your life with that person should be BOTH parties’ reason for getting married; any other reason is a recipe for disaster….

And why would you say men have a differnt reason for wanting to get married? If anything in life ought to be in perfect alignment, that right there should be it! You’re entering into a lifetime partnership, not some free agent contract with terms, stipulations, and an expiration date!

Keith

August 24th, 2010
9:29 am

Times are different. It’s a matter of when you marry in your life. If you marry young it’s mostly for love. If you marry mid 30’s-40’s it’s less about love and more of business and happiness; most people have kids at this stage. If you marry older 50+ it’s for companionship.

SlimCleopatraJones

August 24th, 2010
9:31 am

Morning All,

Seems women and men have moved further and further away from any common ground these days, marriage/dating/life included. Because our parents married for different reason in tact with the times then, many men hardly see the benefit or reason to get married in today’s times. Seems to be an ongoing thing to take more into consideration of what after effects of the divorce than is taken with the actual marriage….i.e. how much of my shyt is going to leave with her when it fails…

Steven Q. Stanley

August 24th, 2010
9:33 am

A lot of the women here will never have to worry about this unless they marry their cat.

blue - Waiting.....

August 24th, 2010
9:36 am

GM All,

imo, gotta be on the same page witht his one. without it, resentments rise, contention along with it. one persons in it for love, the other for stability. one for love, one for finances…gotta be on the same page from the beginning. anything built on a shaky foundation starts to crumble eventually…

blue - Waiting.....

August 24th, 2010
9:41 am

@Stanley – we’ve talked about this – too early….

Simple Man!!!!

August 24th, 2010
9:41 am

Morning Blue!!

2CPTG©

August 24th, 2010
9:44 am

“I think their relationship thrived beacuse there was a true heirachy in place that I don’t think can work with todays women…”

You are so correct with this statement! Tell one of these “today” females that she has to “obey” her husband, and watch all hell break loose. The institution hasn’t changed, only the individuals involved.

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 24th, 2010
9:45 am

Good day all

“Do you think that our reasons to marry today differs from our parents and grandparents?”

I think the marriage game is definately different these days. Marriage is commercialized in good and bad ways. All aspects of the wedding business are thriving year round. I think there are various levels of motivation.

Alot of people just want to have a big ceremony. My friend just got back from a wedding last week that the couple spent $45K but only 30 out of the 200 guests were his. So where was her motivation?

I think the motivations are:

Women:

-A chance to have a guranteed provider/partner, dual incomes, etc.
-A chance to be taken off the market. No matter how much some women say they would not like to be married, alot of them wish they could.
-A chance to have a dream wedding day, all eyes on them and day dedicated to them.
-Not having to be in the dating game anymore.

Men:

-The chance to have one woman and not have to date anymore and build with one person.
-To procreate
-Some guys just like the stability and consistency of marriage.

How much do you all think is to much for a wedding? Is $45K to much?

DreamsMaterialize

August 24th, 2010
9:48 am

Morning
The reasons for marrying are the same today as they’ve always been. It’s the reasons for staying married that are different. Your grandparents who were married 50 years and seem to be soul mates NOW may have gone through a hell that most today would never put up with. Physical abuse, infidelity, children outside the marriage, alcoholism, drug abuse. Many of those long lasting marriages have been through these types of things, and it’s less common for people to remain married now when these occur than it used to be.

I think the concept of marriage is still noble but I often question if its somthing that is viable in todays world
Simple Or maybe it was never viable to begin with. Is monogamy a farce? hmmmm…

Sassy Me...Fire and Ice :-)

August 24th, 2010
9:49 am

Marriage is sooooo far off my radar….gonna lurk n see what interesting comments get made today. This oughtta be good.

Mornting Everybody!!! :lol:

blue - Waiting.....

August 24th, 2010
9:50 am

Morning Mr. Simple Man! how r u today, with your fine self?!

@2CPTG – i agree individuals have changed, standards as well. kind of a conditioning if you will. your example of obeying her husband, i grew up in one of those households, and for every good day we had there were days where my dad threw his weight around simply because he was the man of the house. children watching that tend to grow to the point of “oh he!! no” in their own relationships. things have definitely changed with the times. one of the many reasons, imo, open communication is so crucial
@M. – we spent roughly $200 on our wedding, to me $45K, thats house money not wedding money

Simple Man!!!!

August 24th, 2010
9:50 am

M. @ 9:45

45G for a wedding???? Are you kidding me??? That will be the first knock down, drag out fight of our life together….In fact, If there was an insistance of having a $45,000.00 wedding we won’t EVER make it to that day!!!

blue - Waiting.....

August 24th, 2010
9:51 am

@Sassy – love the way you spell that out “MornTing”, gives me a chuckle every time, lol

2CPTG©

August 24th, 2010
9:52 am

M., marriage is supposed to be a one time thing, so cost shouldn’t matter; Whatever your finances dictate, then you govern yourself accordingly!

MELO

August 24th, 2010
10:00 am

@Diva..I was thinking about this exact same thing this morning,driving to work. I have my take,will be back!

Good morning folks!

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 24th, 2010
10:01 am

@blue – Waiting…..
@Simple

I agree that is crazy. I think the wedding industry capitalized off the emotional state that weddings leave women in. It is a hustle.

Also, I think that wedding was sponsored by American Express i.e. they charged the wedding.

I think the woman wanted the wedding more than anything. She already explained to him that she doesnt cook and work in the summertime. Go figure ;)

abc

August 24th, 2010
10:03 am

Physical abuse, infidelity, children outside the marriage, alcoholism, drug abuse

Expecting a marriage to endure those kinds of things is pretty crazy. To presume that they occur in the natural course of life is equally crazy.

If your marriage is worth a flip you won’t have issues of physical abuse, nor children outside the marriage. Love and honor is a 2 way street. Both parties have to abide within the marriage.

Most children are not born to women in their 30’s and 40’s. Most children are born to single girls under 30 years old, depending on demographic.

A man will marry a woman who will make him a good home and provide for his emotional needs. A woman will marry a man who can carry his own weight and that of her and their children in providing that which she needs to do so. Men want companionship and desire a good home; women crave security. If you can’t live with that, forget about marriage.

LURKER-1

August 24th, 2010
10:04 am

M. your men list pretty much summed up the reasons I married.
It can be just that simple.

blue - Waiting.....

August 24th, 2010
10:08 am

@M. – the wedding industry as a whole, imo, is very definitely geared towards the emotional state of the bride. her having “dreamed of this all her life” or trying to upstage a sister or bff. i cant imagine going into debt for my wedding tho, just seems stupid. and if the marriage were to fail, would forever be thinking about how much i spent.

but this “doesnt work or cook in the summertime” ??? OMG, and he still married her? wtf…she’s lucky he met her at the alter after that confession

CMS

August 24th, 2010
10:10 am

45K is definitely too damn much for a wedding.

2CPTG©

August 24th, 2010
10:12 am

“i cant imagine going into debt for my wedding tho,”……

and you shouldn’t! The respective individuals are the only ones who can say what they can, and can not afford….

YESSHEISCUTE

August 24th, 2010
10:16 am

I think its possible. I think that people need to have their priorities straight. In reference to a previous post about “obeying your husband” yes women will wild the eff out if you tell them that. Look around, most of the men these days leave much to be desired as far as dating/courting goes. You think any of us would want to obey or submit to THAT? No, women need to realize the man you marry will be the head of the household. If you are stuck on being the head of the household then don’t get married. Many of us (myself included) were raised being the head of the household as a single woman and come from at least 3 generations of single parent homes so it can be a difficult concept for some.

Be that all as it may, a man needs to know his place his responsibilities and be committed to that. Fellows, If you are not willing to die for your wife/family and do what you need to do as a man for the rest of your life and forsake all others then don’t get married. Ladies, If you are not willing to do what your husband needs for you to do to keep the household and family together and support him as he makes a way for you day in and day out, and forsake all others, then don’t get married. Plain and simple.

That’s why I don’t date divorced people anymore. The bottom line is you couldn’t even keep a promise to stay with that person until death do you part so how could I expect you to keep your word on anything else?

AmazonRed™

August 24th, 2010
10:19 am

Morning all -

Yes, there are different motivations to marry now. Many of us don’t live on farms and need a spouse and some kids to help run it. In addition, women have a lot more options other than marrying well and running a home.

However, love should be at the root of it. And the shared believe that forever is just that…you’ll have ot navigate through his drinking problem, or her shopping problem etc. You can’t get to 60+ years without having to deal with some real ish together. And many aren’t willing, especially when they know they can get through life just fine solo.

CMS

August 24th, 2010
10:22 am

Some women don’t mind going into a “little” debt for their wedding…after all “they’re worth it.” I’ve seen women dog other women out about the quality (or lack of) of their wedding. “It was too hot, everybody was sweating,” “Why did the bridemaids have to wear their hair like that?!” “The D.J. is wack!” “You know the best man is gay right?”

Leggs

August 24th, 2010
10:23 am

The reasons for marrying are the same today as they’ve always been. It’s the reasons for staying married that are different. Your grandparents who were married 50 years and seem to be soul mates NOW may have gone through a hell that most today would never put up with. Right On!

“I think their relationship thrived beacuse there was a true heirachy in place that I don’t think can work with todays women…” I definitely agree!

That’s why I don’t date divorced people anymore. The bottom line is you couldn’t even keep a promise to stay with that person until death do you part so how could I expect you to keep your word on anything else? No disrespect, this is your opinion, but such a lopsided statement. Sometimes, you can’t stay until death do you part.

Good morning, everyone!

kimmie

August 24th, 2010
10:24 am

Good morning!

Whatever your finances dictate, then you govern yourself accordingly!

CP – I agree. While 45K is ridiculous for us average folk, for those that are wealthy it may be a drop in the bucket. It depends on what your priorities are. Growing up, my parents did okay financially but my mom told me early on that I couldn’t have a big wedding because they were saving for our college and my brother to go to medical school. She said big weddings were only for the super-wealthy anyway and that is was silly for poor folk to go into debt for a wedding. But that’s what folks do – too busy trying to show off for the Joneses.

Dreams, I think society put more pressure on people to stay in marriages no matter what went on, like the stuff you mentioned. I don’t think that was a good thing, especially for women. They were trapped in bad situations.

I have my ideas on the man being the head of household, which I really don’t have a problem with, but I really don’t feel like debating them today. So I’ll just lurk. Should be interesting.

Purple Rain

August 24th, 2010
10:25 am

I agree with Keith, 2CTPG and M. and will add that Men get married for Love and Stability, women get marreied for Love and Security.

If a person grows up with a proper marriage as an example then thry are more apt to emualte that in there on lives. Not saying it does not work in other situations but most follow a set example

Purple Rain

August 24th, 2010
10:28 am

YESSHEISCUTE, there are multiple reasons to divorce that should not cauze people not to date them. You are saying no matter what happens in a marriage a person should stick it out. If you were married and your husband cheated on you repeatedly , fathered children outside of your marriage, robbed banks got addicted to drugs etc, while you just loved him until you could not take any more and divorced him. That YOU were not worth dating because you are divorced now?

blue - Waiting.....

August 24th, 2010
10:34 am

while knowing a person was divorced would make me ask them the question Y are you divorced, it seems narrowminded to cut them out of the dating world because of simply being divorced. as has been mentioned, there can be plenty of reasons they are divorced that indicate no wrong doing or inability to keep a promise on their part. Plenty of situation that if you found out they had stayed in, you’d think they were defective for staying. that blanket statement, imo, seems misguided.

Sassy Me...Fire and Ice :-)

August 24th, 2010
10:37 am

love the way you spell that out “MornTing”

blue blame it on Madeah and Tyler Perry…his/her good mornting,helluuur and hallelujuuur cracks me up everytime…

Simple Man!!!!

August 24th, 2010
10:41 am

All of this being said….Why the hell is the divorce rate pushing 60% ???? Could it be that we are not nearly strong enoughto do what it takes to go the distance anymore???

kimmie

August 24th, 2010
10:42 am

Okay, my original post got eaten.

Good morning all!

You finances and priorities should dictate how much you want to spend on a wedding. 45K is too much for the average person, but for a wealthy individual that has it like that, it would be a drop in the bucket. A whole lot of folk couldn’t afford those big houses they got and are now foreclosed on too. It’s their business what they want to spend their money on. It’s silly to me to go into debt for a wedding, but that was never my priority. I know people who set aside money for their daughter’s wedding like my parents did for our educations. Tend to your own business and just enjoy the festivities if you get invited!

As for marriage today, I think it has changed, like everything else in the world and not necessarily for the worst. Unlike most people, I don’t have an issue with divorce. I don’t think you should go into a marriage planning on a divorce, but if the ish is not working and you both have tried, it’s not working. Nobody should stay in a situation they are miserable in. I’m glad women have more choices today and don’t have to stay where they are obviously not appreciated or being used for a maid and a punching bag. Period. But that’s just me.

As for the whole “obey” and “head of household” debate, you do what you gotta do. I have no problem follwing a man’s program if he’s got a plan and puts his family first. But if for some reason he isn’t up to the task, me & the kids won’t miss a beat. Hopefully he would do the same for me if for whatever reason I couldn’t give my 100%. You are a partnership and how you decide to run that partnership is up to the individuals involved.

Don’t want to debate today, will probably just lurk.

LURKER-1

August 24th, 2010
10:42 am

IMO your current status in life will dictate how you view marriage
1. Single —– No intentions to marry, whatsoever
2. Single —– I would like to marry, one day
3. Single —- I definitely will marry, one day
4. Divorced — I will never, ever marry again
5. Divorced — I will marry, if the right person come along
6. Divorced — I love the the marriage institution, so I will definitely marry again
7. Married —- I’m only in this marriage for the children, financial security
8. Married —– my marriage is great
9. Married —– my marriage is okay
10. Married — my marriage sucks
I read alot on here about staying in your lane, so I guess the key is to find your true lane.

DreamsMaterialize

August 24th, 2010
10:50 am

To presume that they occur in the natural course of life is equally crazy.
To presume that they occur in the natural course of everyone’s life is crazy, I agree. However, empirics show that these things often did occur in marriages. It generally was not acceptable for women to divorce their husbands, so they often quietly endured things that they wouldn’t today.

you couldn’t even keep a promise to stay with that person until death do you part so how could I expect you to keep your word on anything else?
YES This is a propositional logical fallacy. It just isn’t true.

Kym

August 24th, 2010
10:52 am

Good Morning All,

Okay I have to say my answer on reasons to marry are going to be a bit warp..one I am a woman of romance, raised as a child of divorce. I am not really big on happy ever after..more inclined to believe in happy for now..waiting on the other shoe to drop. My mama was married twice and considering her choices..my Daddy he is not so bad..has his faults and has gotten better with age so I chalk him up to just right guy..wrong time. ..her 1st hubby my bio-father..well he is a whole other Oprah…but I digress.

I think some people(keyword some) marry now just to say “Hey we is married now!” Come to our wedding and bring us expensive gifts. or they have the whole fantasy of..Your life is not complete until you are married..Your life is not complete until you have kids….

Personally I feel your life is not complete until you are dead.

This is why I laugh at Stanley Q’s assumption that women over 30 will die alone. Actually I think 30 plus..is the perfect age for getting married. Hell if you get hitched at 40 plus you are right on track in my book. Why? Because you have moved pass that selfish point in life. Where it’s all about you.. all the time..and now can truly appreciate companionship. Men have learn to be more self reliant(you know Ramen noodles are not one of the 4 basic food groups) Women have learned that they can make it and do it without a man(lord..I know comments are coming on independant women and that is not where I am going with this statement). In other words with age, trials, troubles, ups and downs..you have gained better coping skills that will hopefully prepare you to not go home and cry to Mama because he left the seat up in the bathroom or she forgot to fill the tank up with gas.

How I behaved at 22 is no where near my attitude at 38. Heck it is no where near how I behaved at 31. The older I get.. the better I get.

Also I kind of agree with the idea that men marry for different reasons than women. I know of two men who married because they were male hoochies..and they thought by finding a good woman settling down they would some how be transformed in their hoochie ways. They felt as abc pointed out the security of a wife to take care of them and give them kids to love and raise would some how be enough and they would be transformed. Well they still waiting. I mean don’t get me wrong they are good guys with good intentions and good hearts. But I think the motivation to marry just so some how you will be magically transformed into this better person is a farce.

kimmie

August 24th, 2010
10:56 am

It generally was not acceptable for women to divorce their husbands, so they often quietly endured things that they wouldn’t today.

Dreams – Yes. This was something my mother used to talk about of women she knew. This was not a reality for her, but she really did not want it for me. She wasn’t hung up on all the wedding mess either and didn’t raise me like that. She took the reality of marriage seriously.

SlimCleopatraJones

August 24th, 2010
11:01 am

I was never brought up to envision the cermony itself…I could care less about the big show…I want the committment.

blue - Waiting.....

August 24th, 2010
11:02 am

@Dreams – agreed. marriages in the generations b4 us were not models of perfection just cause they stayed married. both my grandmothers were in marriages as described, abusive in one way or another that most women today would walk out of,but at a time where women didnt divorce their men so readily, they stayed. both grandfathers eventually moved out, started with new women, but still expected to be able to “come back home” when they wished, and for the most part were allowed, till they passed. so yeah, they were married for 30, 40 something years, but d@mn sure wasnt a model for the masses. led to their daughters changing the course of their families and saying enuf is enuf….things have changed greatly over the years…
@Kym – the older i get, the better i get – i like that :)

Sassy Me...Fire n Ice :-)

August 24th, 2010
11:04 am

Kym you gone make me pull out the collection plate and start passing it around cause you’se preaching in that 10:52.

Tony23

August 24th, 2010
11:06 am

Enter your comments here

Dig That

August 24th, 2010
11:08 am

What up erybody. Been travelling like crazy the last couple of weeks. Hope all is well.

I’m gonna have to agree with my boy Dreams. Women and men put up with a lot of things years ago based on “unconditional” love and the understanding on having to endure for the long run. Where it seems today that the long run is much shorter. Marriage these days are truly CONDITIONAL. I say we just change the vows all together. Clearly death due us part is out. Toss out for better of for worse too.

kimmie

August 24th, 2010
11:09 am

Kym – Fantastic post!

Oh, and about that earlier post mentioning the new wife that said she doesn’t cook or work in the summertime – so what? The guy knew that when he married her. Obviously that’s not something that is important to him. How they divy up the responsibilities in their marriage is their business. I bet she wasn’t Suzy Homemaker when they dated, so why should that change after marriage? If he wanted the traditional wife, that’s what he would have married.

Dig That

August 24th, 2010
11:09 am

**or for worse

Tony23

August 24th, 2010
11:09 am

Back then….you had to marry a woman to have any relations. Today, women give up the goodies over a couple of dinners so why should I marry her!? Today….marriage makes no sense….esp for men. I am a strong proponent against legal marriage….The State of GA does not need to have a say in my love life.

Dig That

August 24th, 2010
11:10 am

“All of this being said….Why the hell is the divorce rate pushing 60% ???? Could it be that we are not nearly strong enoughto do what it takes to go the distance anymore???”

@Simple- Yes