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Off the market? Act like it!

It seems like everyone has their own code of dating ethics.  It would be  a lot easier if we all could follow the same set!  This would come in handy when it comes to figuring out who to invest more time and energy into.

I am finding that a lot of guys I meet say they aren’t seeing anyone special but that is not the entire truth.   Sometimes hey are exploring a relationship with someone else they just haven’t stop looking at other options.

It’s that whole “always looking for the better model” syndrome.  I think it’s partly due to insecurity because most people do this as a defense mechanism.  Do you think this is something that people ever outgrow?

I spotted my friend’s boyfriend at a restaurant and he was not acting like a guy who just asked his girl to move in with him.  I always wonder how men who are in relationships” behave” when their women aren’t around.

Do you think there is a line that people just shouldn’t cross when they are supposedly in a committed relationship? Why does that line get so blurry?

I always ask men who I am seriously involved with what their definition of cheating is.  I figure if we can check out each other’s perspective on what is unacceptable behavior then we already know what the expectations are.

What do you think, if you are off the market but still conduct your same “on the hunt” behavior,  shouldn’t you re-think that whole “exclusive” thing altogether?

Is that a sign that they aren’t the one for you?

I

218 comments Add your comment

Wise Diva

August 19th, 2010
11:03 am

Hello everyone! I am so sorry for the delayed post. Clearly my iphone is not a reliable tool for my blog posting today.

Happy Thursday :)

PrincessNik

August 19th, 2010
11:07 am

It seems like everyone has their own code of dating ethics

This is true, so the key is to find somone who shares your same “code of dating ethics”

Do you think there is a line that people just shouldn’t cross when they are supposedly in a committed relationship? Why does that line get so blurry?

yes. it gets blurry because it hasn’t been established by both involved parties where/what that line is.

Leggs

August 19th, 2010
11:08 am

Oh snap. I was really trying to grab the brass ring and be first.

Simple Man!!!!

August 19th, 2010
11:09 am

Morning ladies!!!!

Leggs

August 19th, 2010
11:10 am

Do you think there is a line that people just shouldn’t cross when they are supposedly in a committed relationship? There should be a line, but draw the line with invisible ink.

Why does that line get so blurry? Simple…people are selfish!

Leggs

August 19th, 2010
11:11 am

Good morning, SimpleMan/everyone!

LURKER-1

August 19th, 2010
11:14 am

Hell, it’s almost lunch time & I don’t have much to read :-)

AmazonRed™

August 19th, 2010
11:14 am

Morning all –

Yeah, the dating jungle is certainly cut throat these days. You really have to ask the tough questions and even then, you don’t know if you’ll get a truthful answer.

I guess there is a such thing as too many options. Folks are so scared to stick with one to fear they’ll miss out on something “better.”

kimmie

August 19th, 2010
11:18 am

Good mornting!

Yes, everyone’s code of ethics is not the same and yes Princess, I agree the key is to find someone that shares your code.

There are some folks that feel they are “on the market” until vows and rings are actually exchanged, a license is filed. Until then, all bets are off. I knew of a guy that literally spent a few days and nights with another woman days before his wedding. I wasn’t married YET, he said. He pretty much slept around thru the entire dating and engagement period. I think his wife may have found out because she started acting peculiar soon after the wedding and they divorced after about 2 years. I guess he outgrew it because he got himself together, met another lady and went about that relationship entirely different. They are now married, he seems to adore her and they are expecting their first baby.

My personal code is once we decide to be exclusive we behave as if we are off the market. I make sure I share that code with anyone I date as we are getting to know each other and before exclusivity. Either you can deal or you can’t.

Kimmy

August 19th, 2010
11:18 am

If you can’t/won’t do it with your significant other (or someone who knows your significant other) around then you know the behaviour is inappropriate..period. Respect does not end when your partner is out of your sight. If you want to be single then be single.

Dan - simply...

August 19th, 2010
11:19 am

Yeah, this is more of a “where is the line drawn” type of deal.

I’ve had relationships with no lines, few lines, and one very clear line. All are drawn according to what the person (and I) deem inappropriate.

There are stricter folks than myself, to be sure, but then I don’t really deal with those types anyway.

Morning….sorta

Leggs

August 19th, 2010
11:19 am

“I guess there is a such thing as too many options. Folks are so scared to stick with one to fear they’ll miss out on something “better.” Since the dawn of time, since the dawn of time.

It is so sad! Greedy little heifers (men and women both)!

blue - Put In The App On My New House!!

August 19th, 2010
11:20 am

GM everyone!!! hey Princess, Leggs, Simple Man!!!
@WD – your Iphone helped me out this morning. thought i was missing some entertainment on here while i was doing my house app, and turns out now that app is done im right on time!! woohoo!!!

it seems like everyone has their own code of ethics – their do seem to be many grey areas depending on who your talking to.
Do you think there is a line that people just shouldn’t cross when they are supposedly in a committed relationship? i do think there is a line, and unfortunately there seem to be a lot of folks who have not made clear to their intended what they believe that line to be. communication key in my opinion, whether dating or married.

Sassy Me...Living Life :-)

August 19th, 2010
11:21 am

You really have to ask the tough questions and even then, you don’t know if you’ll get a truthful answer.

Pretty much sums it up for mee…simple,short n truthful. Sometimes people become too selfish and greedy and that’s not a good look at all.

Leggs

August 19th, 2010
11:22 am

@WD ~ too bad you couldn’t hear all the banging trying to get the blog door/window open!

kimmie

August 19th, 2010
11:22 am

Anred – The last line of your post reminds me of an episode of Martin. Martin was hesitant about getting engaged. Gina & Pam were talking about it. Pam said all dudes were scared to get married because they all were afraid the Freak Train was going to pull up one day and they would miss out! LOL!!!

Sassy Me...Walking by faith,not sight :-)

August 19th, 2010
11:23 am

Where are my manners?…..Mornting everybody!!! :lol:

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 19th, 2010
11:25 am

Good day.

This is definately a problem all around. I always say that women especially in Atlanta always act single but thats a half truth. We guys must always remember that when you meet a woman, there is another man in her life in some capacity (dating, ex bf, current bf, jumpoff, boss from work ;) ) etc. She is not just at working and going home baking oatmeal rasin cookies. She is doing her thing. Trust.

“I always ask men who I am seriously involved with what their definition of cheating is.”

I define cheating as anything you wouldn’t do if your significant other was there. If your gf was sitting with you at the bar, you probably wouldnt give your number to the bartender.

If your bf was there, you probably wouldnt flirt with that guy and let him buy you a drink.

I think also if you are off the market but act like you still want to be, then pick a side!

Simple Man!!!!

August 19th, 2010
11:25 am

I have a different take that most of the post so far…I think there is “play” in the lines because I am not sure if daters really WANT to know or CARE what the status of people the meet is… Now i know everyone is gonna say that they do, but ask yourselves hw many times to you see guys not asking and women disregarding status even when they know the real?????

kimmie

August 19th, 2010
11:31 am

Simple your 11:25 doesn’t make sense.

Even if you’re not looking to get serious with someone, I would think you would at least like to know what their status is. You wouldn’t want to get blindsided by some jealous bf/gf/spouse. What you do with the info is up to you at that point.

Sassy Me...Walking by faith,not sight :-)

August 19th, 2010
11:34 am

We guys must always remember that when you meet a woman, there is another man in her life in some capacity (dating, ex bf, current bf, jumpoff, boss from work ) etc.

Yes and we as women must remember the same thing about men. Even if they’re wearing a wedding ring while they look you in the eyes and try vainly to explain that they’re kinda married(it’s like being kinda pregnant) either you are or you aren’t. Let us also remember the single brother who tells you that he’s seeing someone but it ain’t all that…regardless if they’re living together with some children already. Regardless of the status of said relationship, if a man can downplay it in hopes of getting some nu nu he’ll do it….trust.

sour

August 19th, 2010
11:35 am

“I am finding that a lot of guys I meet say they aren’t seeing anyone special but that is not the entire truth.” Its just not men Women do this also, I know I have/do :)

PrincessNik

August 19th, 2010
11:36 am

Simple Man, that occured to me also when i was reading Wise’s entry. IMO, all is fair until you sit down and have the conversation, and I think everyone knows which conversation i’m referring to.

PrincessNik

August 19th, 2010
11:39 am

Also ARed said it pretty well You really have to ask the tough questions and even then, you don’t know if you’ll get a truthful answer.

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 19th, 2010
11:40 am

@Sassy

“if a man can downplay it in hopes of getting some nu nu he’ll do it….trust.”

Also if a woman can downplay her current situation in hopes of upgrading to a better situation or getting a new guy to do something that her current guy or guys arent doing like take her out and let her feel like she is in demand; she will….TRUST!

Purple Rain

August 19th, 2010
11:40 am

Those parameters have to be established by the two people involved, what a friend may see out and about may not even matter to the other person in the relationship. If you do not discuss your plans, whose fault is it when they go awry?

PrincessNik

August 19th, 2010
11:41 am

Sassy

you are right, I think I told ya’ll about the guy whose married and told me he was happy but he is just greedy. Now I know some chicks that woulda jumped on that but for me no deal.

Leggs

August 19th, 2010
11:42 am

czB wanted me to say hello to EVERYONE! She has back to back exams in the next three weeks and is crunching to prepare for them.

It's me....lurker

August 19th, 2010
11:43 am

I wasn’t married YET, he said. He pretty much slept around thru the entire dating and engagement period. I think his wife may have found out because she started acting peculiar soon after the wedding and they divorced after about 2 years

I asked a friend of mine if he cheats on his wife, of course he said no but went on further to say he did during the engagement. If you display and engaged in risky behavior once you have “the one” what other thing or person is going to come along and shake/wake you? Right nothing or nobody. If you’re not disciplined enough to stop once you have the chosen one, exchanging vows won’t hinder you either. If you go in with no regard, you won’t have it after the nuptuals. No matter how it’s put or laid out, people are very in tune with their behavior and by the ripe age of adulthood, very well know right from wrong. You do want you do because you want to. It’s just having your cake and eating it too.

YESSHEISCUTE

August 19th, 2010
11:43 am

I’m off the market for now and present myself as such (actually I’ve deleted all my dating profiles and have no interested in undeleted, reactivating or otherwise un-hiding them for a good while). I just want to do right by him and not cheat so I don’t act single. But I’m definitely not taking this as seriously as I could…… I just don’t feel that he loves me so I’m not going to commit myself to delving deeper and getting emotions all into it. Once he sweeps me off my feet then I’ll shout it to the world off of Mt. Kilimanjaro and make sure there is NO CONFUSION about it. Until then, that I’m doing what I do and mind my business. If anyone makes a clear interest in me I’m taken. I’m not going to go out of my way to let every guy I know that I have a boyfriend but if it comes up I’ll let them know. But I’m not going to ‘act like’ I’m single (i.e. entertain other suitors).

PrincessNik

August 19th, 2010
11:43 am

Carlito we are >>>>here<<<<

What time is it?

August 19th, 2010
11:43 am

Some men and women like to string you out by saying that they want to be in an exclusive relationship but they are looking for the bigger, better deal. When they think it comes along they drop you saying,”It’s me, not you.” You will know if the man is serious when he proposes. And men will know when you accept the ring. If you want to be single, be single…just be upfront about it.

It's me....lurker

August 19th, 2010
11:47 am

If I have to sit you down and have the talk, I’m not gonna. If I know you wouldn’t have an appreciation for sleeping around on you, you very well know the same. One about “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” you don’t have to ask a thing. If you don’t want it done to or on you you KNOW not to do the same. Not saying one shouldn’t talk and establish where they are in a relationship or where a relationship is headed but folks acting all slow and stuff when it comes to knowing how to do the right thing just don’t fly. I think people will play dumb as long as it’s allowed.

Run4life

August 19th, 2010
11:47 am

Timing is why dating in Atlanta is so hard. I wonder if it is this hard in Nebraska? LOL On the rare occasion I meet someone whom I am attracted to, nine times out of ten, he is dating/talking on the phone to three or four women. LOL But to be fair, I am also dating/talking on the phone to three or four guys. One of us peeps the game, and we go no further because each of us is unsure if the other is sincere. Timing…will I ever get there?

M. (pronouced M dot)

August 19th, 2010
11:47 am

@Everyone

Here is a quote that solves the problem on both sides

“The problem is women always assume men will lie while men always assume women are telling the truth Dont Assume anything!” -M.

Kym-All I Do is Win

August 19th, 2010
11:48 am

Good Morning All,

I agree with Leggs..since the begining of time..everyone is always looking for that greener grass on the other side. Like Kimmie said if the Freak Train is coming..no one wants to be left behind..

AmazonRed™

August 19th, 2010
11:49 am

all dudes were scared to get married because they all were afraid the Freak Train was going to pull up one day and they would miss out! LOL!!!

:lol:

I read a funny status message yesterday “shout out to all the men afraid of commitment who let a good woman go, only to wind up with a ratchet” (some scheming woman who trapped them and/or bled them dry) :lol:

Simple Man!!!!

August 19th, 2010
11:51 am

kimmie @ 11:31

My point is jacked up, but it makes plenty of sense…Everyday I meet women and have conversations with people that are fully involved in the dating world, that could care less what the staus was of the people they meet going in. Now I will give you that when they catch feelings, dude gets pissed when they try to call and “Jodie” is answering old girls phone or when the chicka realizes that he still sleeping with his other baby momma, But those are things that they overlooked when they first met.

Leggs

August 19th, 2010
11:52 am

Here’s my take…the only people who are off the market are those who take their vows seriously and that’s definitely doesn’t apply to all married couples.

blue - Put In The App On My New House!!

August 19th, 2010
11:53 am

i dont think either men or women are more likely to downplay their status. have seen both do it often enough. but i think the 2 explanations come up equally often : we havent discussed our status, or im just not sure about he/she, so im just checking around.

agreed on the principle if you wouldnt do it with said person next to you, then its over the line. but what about treat others the way you want to be treated? would you like him/her giving out their number while their supposed to be talking to you? if you wouldnt be cool with that, then stop keeping cards in your pocket just in case you meet someone.

Dirty Diana ♠ The Number Runner

August 19th, 2010
11:53 am

Hola!

My dating code is this ask what you want to know, and I will tell you. As for me “acting” single, well I am single by the IRS guidelines and I behave accordingly.

Dirty Diana ♠ The Number Runner

August 19th, 2010
11:54 am

Wassup blue, PK, Sasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssy and Purp-purp Purple

kimmie

August 19th, 2010
11:54 am

folks acting all slow and stuff when it comes to knowing how to do the right thing just don’t fly. I think people will play dumb as long as it’s allowed.

lurker – Thank you!

Dan - simply...

August 19th, 2010
11:54 am

@Kimmie/Kym

I don’t necessarily agree.

For one, I know far to many guys that met “the One” [for them] and ceased all operations. I know of many other dudes that met “the One” and expanded operations.

I know that the difference in both types is impulse control, compassion, and judgment (based on my assessment of the individuals in my dataset).

Thus, paring down that “some guys” definition to “a certain type of guy” would be more apropos.

PrincessNik

August 19th, 2010
11:55 am

Hey Dirty D!!

that was funny, single by IRS guidlines

kimmie

August 19th, 2010
11:57 am

Simple – Now that makes more sense. Yeah, all the signs were there going in too, but they choose to ignore. No need in looking crazy later! :shock:

Kym-All I Do is Win

August 19th, 2010
11:59 am

@Blue Congrats on the House! Homeownership Rocks!

@Dan..I thought we had an agreement that you would not speak/type to me in your “British Guy” voice?

kimmie

August 19th, 2010
11:59 am

Dan – You say “certain type”, I say “some”. :shock:

PrincessNik

August 19th, 2010
12:01 pm

Yeah, all the signs were there going in too, but they choose to ignore.

@ Kimmie

you know people choose to ignore things plenty of times, the later it becomes a big issue but if you didn’t address it in the beginning……

like mamma used to say, make up the rules before you start playing the game, don’t try to change/make up new rules in the middle of the game.

Dirty Diana ♠ The Number Runner

August 19th, 2010
12:02 pm

PK–it is the truth I am single. I am not receiving any tax credits….I am single. People often claim what they are not…if you are married do not claim single, and if you are single do not claim married.

:grin: