Celibacy bait and switch
There is no easy way to frame this discussion so I’m just going to put it to you guys straight. I think we have a good cross section of readers that can provide good answers to this question:
Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?
Whether it was first date hooking up or a one night stand attempt, what happens when someone decides to hop on the celibacy plan?
How would you handle a shift to a “no sex in the champagne room” kind of relationship if you really liked the person? Would it matter at all if you knew why they wanted to become celibate?
What if it was the other way around? What if you met someone who was celibate and they decided to hop off the celibacy plan?
For my own curiosity, I would like to ask those who are on dry land, how do you even broach the subject of your celibacy? When is the best time to tell someone you are dating that you don’t hook up?
Happy Friday!
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
344 comments Add your comment
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
12:19 pm
“…we have long term plans”
Yep. And his long-term plan is to keep phlucking all of y’all for as long as possible…
It's me....lurker
July 30th, 2010
12:20 pm
blue – I know right. I’m serious, cause she’s like hanging on his every word. I mean don’t be snoopy but some things (esp after traveling/sleeping together), I’d have to check out on my own and see for myself.
kimmie
July 30th, 2010
12:22 pm
“don’t get it” or I’m being selfish.
You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. This is the time in your life to be a bit “selfish”. Once you become a parent, you become less so, at least you should. You read like a sweet young lady. He knows you are sweet and young, and he’s playing you like you are a little puppy. He knows exactly what he is doing, and so does ex. She’s 35 – yeah, she’s very hip to the game too.
I know it’s tough, but save yourself some heartache. Even if you end up marrying this guy, this is a sign of life ahead and what you’ll have to deal with. The beyotchy, crazy baby-mama drama – it’s being played right before your eyes, in a passive-agressive way.
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
12:22 pm
I think Bethany is punking us… Nobody is that naive…
Jeff
July 30th, 2010
12:22 pm
My friends wives (2), (and my ex for a short time) have tried to make it a non-sexual relationship on occasion. My one friend went an entire year wihtout doing the bangitty with his wife. They went to therapy and she said “why can’t we just stay married, not have sex, and be friends”. Of course, she was in to her 2nd marriage with him by the age of 26, but I’m sure mental stability on her part has nothing to do with it. LOL Why would I want to have to be sexually loyal to someone I’m not having sex with. She then just becomes a roommate or friend.
Leggs
July 30th, 2010
12:23 pm
@blue ~ Happy Birthday, darling!
@Bethany ~ listen to what has already been said.
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
12:24 pm
Bethany, nice, innocent, with the wool over your eyes Bethany,
You are third in line for real on this one. He is in a relationship with the Baby Mama aka BM. There are plenty of single parents out there, and not many are doing things as mommy and daddy, unless they are really a couple
they are a couple and you are the side piece.
Overnight at camp, never met the siblings, doing things as a family, not meeting the son, girl get it together, and get tested
you have been played!
Help LOL I am just glad you are safe and sound. Ladies this is a good example, and teaching point for y’all to stop putting on those turned over heels trying to glut down a free meal. If you don’t deal with a man, or stop dealing with a man don’t jump up going out with that man just because he called
keep it moving, unless you want to be at a standstill.
Bethany
July 30th, 2010
12:24 pm
I like what abc said “commitment between the two of you includes the kid”…
That’s true. I know I WILL meet him, it’s just a matter of when.
Melo
July 30th, 2010
12:24 pm
so he’s making sure he doesn’t bring me into his son’s life before the time is right.
@Bethany??
that statement is making excuses for him….are u ok with not seeing his son,seeing that u been there for a year and u regard ur relationship as serious??
After a year,its about time u saw the son and he becomes a part of u 4,i wld say.
Here is the crazy and real part for me..chick is 35,dude is 29, to me,chic is in a more manipulative control of situation as compared to dude(age wise)..i really dont know him but my gutt feeling tells me,dude is hitting it,even tho they may not be dating…..and she is complicit in all this,even tho he loves u…(oooogh,,,, did i say that playa move??)
Chick is getting slayed and spiting u in the process coz u are youngie,in her mind!
u sound so sure that they are thru, im not sure how u came to the conclusion??
That sleeping in same room move….see, i have done that with a female even tho i really wanted the draws and was not given the opportunity…i wldnt be comfortable if i were u, to allow that situation to happen and assume ur dude aint hitting…thats a stretch.
If u really luv this dude and u think he loves u too..sit his azz down and lay some ground rules….what u truly desire in a relationship..dont hoodwink urself or short change urself coz of how u feel about him in general..there shld be ground rules to a true relatunship and what u desire in one.
If he flips on u in a rage..thats a mere cover up..hes been cheating u all along!
hope that helps.
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 30th, 2010
12:25 pm
Bethany – the thing is, until you get sick and tired, you ain’t gone be sick and tired.
You are worth more than number THREE – but you are not acting like you know that.
A person can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And you will only be in this situation until you decide to make a change.
I won’t call you *couh*
stupid, but I will say that you’re young, gullible, wanting to believe the best in a bad situation, getting played and don’t know it and this will end up being a life lesson.I also can see from reading you that you’re not going to walk away from this relationship until you walk in on them NAKED and fckng.
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
12:26 pm
@Swiss I hope bethany is punking us, because the other side of the coin says she is punking herself if she believes this bullshyt!
blue-7/30
July 30th, 2010
12:26 pm
@its me – lol, yeah youve got a point on that one
hey, can i jump on the baby/baby daddy thing, got a question of my own….how do you get baby daddy to pay his child support without making the almost teenage child hate you?
Bethany
July 30th, 2010
12:28 pm
@kimmie,
I appreciate what you’ve said. My mom has said some of the exact same things, that these things may be a sign of things to come and if I go with this dynamic now, that’s how it’ll always be, but that’s what I’m asking. how do I go about changing it if he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from? I get that most of the decisions he makes are in the best interest of his son. But some are in the best interests of his BM. I don’t care about her best interests. I try to be understanding, cause I realize that if she’s happy/placated, the less likely she is to cause stress and drama for him, which I don’t want.
Leggs
July 30th, 2010
12:29 pm
@Bethany ~ had to go back and read your entire dilemna. When a man constantly defends the ex over his current, then you need to remove the letters “ex” from the equation. He may not be tapping her on a regular, but he’s still tapping her, or there’s still some feelings and foreplay going on.
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
12:29 pm
Okay, Bethany — You know what, maybe you’re right. Maybe your dude is totally in love with and faithful to you. That being the case, stop your whining. Matter of fact, when he comes home tonight, you should immediately drop to your knees & s*ck that wang real good. Then make him some dinner & shut the phluck up, dammit!
Is that more like what you want to hear?
C tha 1
July 30th, 2010
12:30 pm
Celibacy after you’ve established sex as apart of your relationship? Sheeeeeeit…yall MF’ers crazy
blue-7/30
July 30th, 2010
12:30 pm
@Leggs – Thanx, and tell Lady i said thanx too. got teh feeling i may miss her today….
kimmie
July 30th, 2010
12:30 pm
Chick is getting slayed and spiting u in the process coz u are youngie,in her mind!
Melo – I’m getting scared, cause me & u are thinking alike!LOL!!
HELP...before I catch a case!
July 30th, 2010
12:30 pm
Thanks, DD!
I was only trying to be nice since it was his darn Bday. I believe he either wanted me to see his place (hit it…taken from its me) and note some of the changes that he had made or he could have had some built up resentment about how things ended and was waiting for the perfect time to execute his plan!
Men, would you ever do something like this? And how would you feel if the tables were turned?
Melo
July 30th, 2010
12:35 pm
I realize that if she’s happy/placated, the less likely she is to cause stress and drama for him, which I don’t want
@Bethany??
thats a stupid and naive statement which suggests that by now,u so dyckmatized u cant harbor the thoght of losing him…..u in a sexxual daze right now and cant see str8!
good luck sweetie,but we have seen this drama be4!
kimmie
July 30th, 2010
12:38 pm
if I go with this dynamic now, that’s how it’ll always be, but that’s what I’m asking. how do I go about changing it if he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from?
Cause really, the major changing has to come from HIM. The only thing you can change is how you react to the situation.
Believe me, he totally understands where you are coming from! He just doesn’t care about where you are coming from. He’s not stupid, that’s why he’s been able to get away with this. And so-called ex is sitting back, conducting this entire symphony!
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 30th, 2010
12:39 pm
HELP – Be glad of a few things.
1. That he didn’t rape and/or kill you.
2. That nobody else on that road in the middle of nowhere raped and/or killed you.
3. AND MOST IMPORTANT – that he revealed his true nature to you AGAIN (I mean, you’d already fallen out with him once, hadn’t spoken to him in a year, he expected a meal to get him a dinner AND he left yo’ ass on the side of the road.)
I wouldn’t be wasting anymore of my time or life or giving dude any of my energy because he would be dead to me.
PrincessNik
July 30th, 2010
12:39 pm
Happy Birthday Blue!
Hey everyone!
Celibacy, u r in ur out I think, like DD said no turnin back unless its whack
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 30th, 2010
12:39 pm
CORRECTION – he expected a meal to get him SEX
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
12:41 pm
So Bethany are you #3???? We’ve had two folks change their monikers
tell us if you are a regular. 
@Swiss this whole situation is crazy
We need a topic change.
@Melo do you really believe this chick is serious????
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
12:43 pm
HELP, I am not a man, but I do believe in staying strapped. Would it have helped you in your situation? Nope, but it would have brought the security of being ok while you waited. The key is this, if you haven’t celebrated a birthday, Christmas, V-day card or text…do go running off trying to kick things in gear. Keep on moving!!!!
Leggs
July 30th, 2010
12:44 pm
“One of the best things about our relationship is that we see eye to eye on everything, and we understand each other…”
@Bethany ~ apparently the above statement isn’t true. I tell you this. When you’re ready to take off the colored coded glasses, you be able to see better. We have all been “snowed” one way or another and recognize game when it comes. Your posts comes across as thought he is seriously playing you. Like SexyC said, when you’re ready, you’re ready and you are not ready!
blue-7/30
July 30th, 2010
12:45 pm
@Princess – Thanx
alright, yall have advice on everything else and not on child support drama? lmao
Topic change : so whos for J-lo as the new American Idol judge?
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
12:46 pm
“We need a topic change”
That we do, Dirty D. So… You still sporting that landing strip this week? Have you ever tried the Reverse Hitler?
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
July 30th, 2010
12:46 pm
I only keep Ladies away frommine cause he’s young.. Now if he were older and I cant give it to him skraight with no chaser then it might be a little easier to intro him to a babe.. Now he’s met a woman or two but not on some just the 3 of us hanging.. It was a group setting. I dont know i just like to give hime my full attention when Im with him and his time is his time.. But Im not looking to get remarried either.. Nor do i really care how a babe feels about when or if she’ll meet him.. I’ll know when its time for her to meet him and I wont be pressured into doing it..
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
12:48 pm
HELP, how old are you? How old is dude? Did dude call or text you after he left you? If so what did he say? Do you have any brothers or cousins? Can you find that location again?
Leggs
July 30th, 2010
12:49 pm
@PrincessNik ~ happy belated b-day to you too…did you get any presents? What was the best one?
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
12:51 pm
@blue- I am NOT a J-LO fan at all! I like Steven Tyler as a judge. Oh, blue what did you wear last night to the show
did you take melo’s advice, or my advice? I guess a mixture of both would have been cool too
@swiss I don’t know what a reversed hitler is…tell me so I can try something new.
It's me....lurker
July 30th, 2010
12:52 pm
I only keep Ladies away frommine cause he’s young.. Now if he were older and I cant give it to him skraight with no chaser then it might be a little easier to intro him to a babe..
I ain’t back pedaling and usually I’m against your stance on shutting folks down cause they wanna meet your kid but Imma have to agree. When my kid was 3/4/5ish, simply because she was still a baby, meetng anybody was off limits.
Melo
July 30th, 2010
12:53 pm
@Melo do you really believe this chick is serious????
@Dirty??
a young 25 female ?? ,its possible to think its credible story,esp if being handled by an older ish playa coupled with a ex, thats cougarish( 35) thats hip to the manipulation game..in the background as Kimmie says.
DreamsMaterialize
July 30th, 2010
12:53 pm
It’s not as if the kid’s mother has any say-so in the matter, but I’d be willing to bet a dollar that’s playing a part in it.
Damn right. She’s not just playing a part in it, she’s orchestrating it. Get this straight Bethany: your man isn’t the reason you haven’t met the kid, the mom is. In her mind, she’s not about to let you come in the picture “playing” mom to her son. Even if that’s not your intent, you can’t convince her of that. The mom has ALL the leverage in this situation. She’s probably threatening not to let him see his son if he doesn’t play by her rules. It doesn’t have to be this way, and there are things your guy could do to change that situation, but only he can do it. You have to let him know that some things have to change if he’s serious about a future with you, or you’re out. The key is that you have to be prepared to walk away if he doesn’t want to comply with your requirements. If you stay after you’ve made the demands, then all the power is his, and he’ll know he can do whatever he likes without worrying about you leaving.
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
12:55 pm
Dirty D — It’s kinda like a landing strip, only shorter. Looks like a little mini-Hitler ’stache on top of the kitty. Also known as The Sexy Soul Patch.
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 30th, 2010
12:55 pm
DreamsMat – “he can do whatever he likes without worrying about you leaving.” <– This is, unfortunately, already quite obvious to him, every one here, her mom and probably everybody else who knows her situation. She is the only one not seeing it for what it is.
blue-7/30
July 30th, 2010
12:56 pm
@Princess – meant to add a
but got distracted, lol
@swiss – reverse hitler? wth?
@Diana – Steven Tyler i could work with, seems J-lo would be just “nice” all the time….nope, didnt take the advice only cause hubby and moms switched out on me, lol. Santana is more my moms thing than his, so she went with me. and melos suggestion just woulda been icky then lmao. stuck with the capris at that point. but me and hubby got the whole weekend, and suggestions will be used then!
Beautiful
July 30th, 2010
12:57 pm
gmorn ev1!
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
12:59 pm
Swiss, that sounds good I am going to try it out. I will show it to you next Friday, like I did last week
Do you know of any other hairdo’s for ↓ there ?
It's me....lurker
July 30th, 2010
1:00 pm
Ahhhhh, don’t you just love blog harmony days?
The key is that you have to be prepared to walk away if he doesn’t want to comply with your requirements. If you stay after you’ve made the demands, then all the power is his, and he’ll know he can do whatever he likes without worrying about you leaving.
The most powerful thing a woman can do is say what she means and means what she says. Not threats and no bullying. State what works for you and if there’s no happy medium, walk. It’s will be hard and it will hurt like heck but you’ll be all the better for it. And if you never have a relationship he’ll respect as a woman for your sticktoitiveness.
Beautiful
July 30th, 2010
1:00 pm
congrats to Gman! *is that his moniker? i forgot his name, but i know his real name. he jus got married the other week.* anyhoo . . . many blessing to you and your new wife. :~)
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
1:00 pm
Or, AKA “Das FUR-er”
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
1:02 pm
Melo, I bet the 29 year old learned some “Sex Intelligence” from that 35 year old
and used it on that 25 year old and now she is 
sprung off that weenie. See she should tell him she is now celibate 
the truth will come out, because him and BM will have a lot of “family” stuff to do then
kimmie
July 30th, 2010
1:03 pm
I’m about to go on a little rant
Unless your kid’s name is William or Harry and your name is Charles, don’t nobody think your kid is a prince but you. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE children. If God had worked things out the way I wanted, I would have had a house full of them. I also have no problem with MOST men that have children. I love to see a man that is a dedicated father – there is nothing more wonderful. But some of these dudes DO overdo it! They take that “introducing the kid” thing to a whole nother level. It’s like a carrot they like to dangle over a bunny. They can be so indignant about it until it is ridiculous! Yes, it is irresponsible to get a child attached to someone that is only going to be around for a season. You also should be upfront with the woman about your intentions for the relationship. If you know good & well you can’t see a future with this woman, having her trying to play guess, as time goes by, if she’ll ever meet the kid, is not cool either. If you’ve made your intentions clear, a lady shouldn’t feel the need to pressure you into meeting your kid. It should happen naturally. LET IT happen naturally. Don’t be using the kid as a scapegoat because you really don’t want a serious relationship, but you don’t have the guts to be upfront with the woman. Find someone else to be an FWB with and let it go at that. But you aren’t the only one in the world that loves their kid!
Okay, end of my rant!
Melo
July 30th, 2010
1:03 pm
She’s probably threatening not to let him see his son if he doesn’t play by her rules
@Dreamz/Bethany??
shes def using her child support leverage,proly…maybe they have a side deal,where she dont go to court but she manipulates him…..some like that….and dude is timid and scared of her…..getting side cootie too,to make him even softer..
only salvation is for chic to drop him..if she wants him that bad,skip to another town so he can follow…etc….
either way,chic is being played like fiddle!
I kinda see/understand the dilemna most men have in this country..castrated by their exes..too sad!
no wonder most dudes in this country are just pinch hitters……no longevity…..!
kimmie
July 30th, 2010
1:07 pm
See she should tell him she is now celibate
Diana –
LURKER (I want some of dat)
July 30th, 2010
1:08 pm
Relax folks….Bethany is young she will learn the truth…..YES she will sooner or later!
Good comments from ABC and Infamous. I find too many women are too eager to introduce thir kids to a SO before you know you are going to get married. No kid needs to see a revolving door of women or men in their parents life.. Golden Nuggets from Elijah I mean LURKER… YEA
TIme to start I bet when……….Infamous and Flip Flops were getting it on and on!!!
Infamous… Flip flops you see these tats on my back this is a world map, I been to all those place.I am worldly man..So you know I am going to turn this mother out…..
FlipFlopss….Well Mr. Infamous I ready to be turn inside out because I likes me a worldly man…Also I need to keep my flip flops on while you are giving me the Mt Rushmore.
Didn’t you say you climb that mountain in a previous conversation?
Infamous….Flips I am going to climb you going up and ride you hard going down, because that’s how I do it…..
Flip Flops…..My infamous do what you do……
After the sex session…..Infamous ask Flip Flops how was it……with a big smile on his face..
Flips Flop that was good now I want to ride the scream machine…..
Infamous…Oh you heard about the scream machine…O.K.. walk this way to my backyard…Their it is that contraption/sliding board is my son’s scream machine going and ride…when you finish I need you to make me a ham sammich with mustard…..
Flips Flop….WTF is going….. To be continued…… YES LURKER is in the house..
Beautiful
July 30th, 2010
1:09 pm
i do the celibacy thing when i’m not dating/lookn for someone. its so easy to not have sex when theres not a sexy man callin’ you, textn you, breathing all on you. lol.
i went thru two successful episodes. one for about two yrs i believe, and another for three years. i loved it. it gave my body time to relax and appreciate what was coming.
when i finally get with a man who i’m attracted to, it’s hott!!! the sex is fresh/brand new. lol.
if i decide to let the current boo go, i will again put her on vacay for a minute. right now i’m raging, but i’ll live. lol.