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Celibacy bait and switch

There is no easy way to frame this discussion so I’m just going to put it to you guys straight.  I think we have a good cross section of readers that can provide good answers to this question:

Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?

Whether it was first date hooking up or a one night stand attempt, what happens when someone decides to hop on the celibacy plan?

How would you handle a shift to a “no sex in the champagne room” kind of relationship if you really liked the person? Would it matter at all if you knew why they wanted to become celibate?

What if it was the other way around? What if you met someone who was celibate and they decided to hop off the celibacy plan?

For my own curiosity, I would like to ask those who are on dry land, how do you even broach the subject of your celibacy?   When is the best time to tell someone you are dating that you don’t hook up?

Happy Friday!

344 comments Add your comment

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
11:40 am

@swiss – lol, houston we have a problem….
@melo – uh, yeah that answers it. now i wanna go home…..;)

@Bethany – im with Lurk – is there some reason you two have been together this long, talking love and comittment and you havent met his son? that sounds harsh, not what i mean, but like sometimes there are circumstances that could keep it from happening is all, or has one of you just not made the effort?

markie mark

July 30th, 2010
11:42 am

Bethany,

Your instincts are to run like hell. Nature gave us instincts to survive. This guy is a lying POS. There is NO WAY he is not sleeping with her, and he is putting you on the defensive so you will leave him alone about it. LEAVE HIS LYING ASS NOW….they you will find out if he loves you. Give him 10 days alone, and then if you dont meet the son AND the ex, dont go back.

Bethany

July 30th, 2010
11:42 am

@Melo
Well, he’ll need to talk to her about whatever, and instead of calling or emailing, he goes to her house to talk. And not to see his son cause the times I’m talking about his son isn’t even there. But when I ask, what do you need to physically go over there for, he says something like “I’m just being friendyl, everything doesn’t always have to be done over the phone. Sometimes it’s nice just to talk to somebody about important things face to face.”

LURKER (I want some of dat)

July 30th, 2010
11:43 am

@Infamous give me a momento it will be on an cracking…. I have some good stuff today…..

markie mark

July 30th, 2010
11:43 am

Sorry…”then you will find out…”

Abstinent 'til Marriage

July 30th, 2010
11:44 am

“how do you even broach the subject of your celibacy? When is the best time to tell someone you are dating that you don’t hook up?”

I’ve been abstinent for a number of years now and I think the best thing is to share that when the topic of sex arises. I never want someone to feel like I was stringing them along. So when sex arises as a topic, I reveal that I’m abstinent until marriage. That way, I’m letting them make their own decision about pursuing an “us” or not.

kimmie

July 30th, 2010
11:45 am

Gotta go with m&m on this. He’s lying, still creeping with the ex, and if after a year you haven’t met the kid, you aren’t going to. The only thing that is “serious” about your relationship is that he’s playing you.

Bethany

July 30th, 2010
11:45 am

I am concerned with the fact that I haven’t met his son yet, but I also understant that he’s being sensitive and ginger about it. How many times do you hear about people being introduced into a child’s life too soon? But yes… I agree that it has been too long…. That’s something that’s going to happen when he and his son’s mother are comfortable with me meeting his son. I can’t force him to introduce us. But is that an indicator of how he feels about me?

Bethany

July 30th, 2010
11:46 am

I’m 100% positive he’s not still sleeping with her or anything like that. That’s not the issue.

kimmie

July 30th, 2010
11:48 am

But is that an indicator of how he feels about me?

BINGO!

He doesn’t take you seriously, so there’s no need to meet the son.

kimmie

July 30th, 2010
11:49 am

Bethany, how are you so sure there is no hanky-panky?

i'm swiss™

July 30th, 2010
11:49 am

Bethany — You’re punking us, right? C’mon now… The go on a weekend trip & sleep in the same room. He makes a point of physically going to see her to “talk…”

Okay, how can I put this delicately….? They are still phlucking!

:lol:

KBS1

July 30th, 2010
11:50 am

You have to tell a person up front that you are celibate. No need to waste each others valuable time and money. I have ran across a few females who told me they are not into casual or meaningless sex. From that point on I didnt pursue them in a dating manor. If you are celibate you basically need to sit on the side lines and find what you seek within yourself on why you are celibate or date and impotent man that dont want any or cant perform. Some women are say they are celibate or that they dont want casual or meaningless sex to put value or a premium on pssy. The normal age rage is females between 28-38 that pull that ploy.

I am whatever you say I am

July 30th, 2010
11:50 am

markie mark

July 30th, 2010
11:50 am

Bethany….come on…he does a joint visit to the son and is incredulous that you are upset over the sleeping arrangments? He goes to visit her alone and not on the phone for discussions about their son? and you are SURE he is not sleeping with her….sorry, dear that makes no sense. You have nothing from day one to go one but what he has told you (ie, shes celibate, we dont connect, etc etc etc)

It's me....lurker

July 30th, 2010
11:50 am

Bethany, babygirl, they’re still in a relationship. You’re the only one that don’t know. If he was in a relationship with you, solely and completely, you’d be right along beside. You haven’t met her or the son because they’re still a little family. You’re the side chick. Ask him if she knows about you. He’s getting the cake and the ice cream.

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

July 30th, 2010
11:51 am

Well I aint gonna say he wrong for not letting you meet the Lil one cause its chicks Ive been with for a while and they havent met the Dude.. Now as far as them going down on the same weekend aint no big deal because it may have been parents weekend but…. Sleeping in the same room.. Nah thats where I would have to draw the line but hey maybe they have a great relationship and it works for them.. Does his Ex have a boyfriend? What does he think? He prolly didnt know she was staying in the same room with her ex, cause you know how ya’ll ladies omit certain aspects of the story.. ;-)

I am whatever you say I am

July 30th, 2010
11:52 am

Bethany’s question sounds like a strawberry letter

I am whatever you say I am

July 30th, 2010
11:53 am

Bethany, I’m willing to bet he is still involved with his son’s mother.

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
11:53 am

seems clear he does not take you seriously. agreed that most things related to the child do not need to be handled in person. my ex and i handle almost all things related to the boy over the phone or via email. if he is taking/making extra opportunities to see her, imo, he is no way near as serious as you are. the sleeping in the same room, according to what youve described so far, would be the last straw for me. i see no reason for that level of “friendliness” to be necessary. id say time to move on….

HELP...before I catch a case!

July 30th, 2010
11:53 am

I went out with someone who I haven’t seen in nearly a year. We knew each other for about two years and then fell out last year. Needless to say, he called me last week and asked if I would join him for his birthday, which I agreed; however something came up and I was forced to cancel at the last minute and promised to make it up. Well he called me the next night and I told him I already had plans, so we agreed to meet the following evening. Do you know this mutharucker had the nerves to pick me up (we live ab 45 minutes away from each other), take me out, and then attempted to take me to his new home in a gated community in the middle of nowhere! And he caused a scene and put me out of his vehicle when I told him I wanted to go home and did not feel comfortable going to his house (basically declining his offer for sex)…WTF I can’t believe he even tried me, let alone left me like that. Here I was all dressed up, standing outside in the middle of nowhere since I wasn’t familiar with the area…I am so glad I had my trusty card and mad money handy, but can’t understand how could he do such a thing…yeah, some may say he could care less about me or was being selfish or was upset after being stood up.

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
11:54 am

question – what makes you so positive they are not sleeping together? could that maybe just be wishful thinking?

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

July 30th, 2010
11:55 am

Kimmie – Honestly Im not letting a babe meet the dude until we dang near almost engaged.. I just dont see introducing him to a new babe every two years or so if it doesnt work out..

It's me....lurker

July 30th, 2010
11:55 am

I am concerned with the fact that I haven’t met his son yet, but I also understant that he’s being sensitive and ginger about it.

Bethany – You serious too ain’t you?

How many times do you hear about people being introduced into a child’s life too soon?

You get a blank stare for this comment. For somebody serious yeah, for somebody using it as a crutch to have a side chick, no.

Bethany

July 30th, 2010
11:55 am

You guys aren’t helping meeeee! lol. the issue is how do I get him to understand that I’m not comfortable with the way he’s handling things? I know enough about her from other people to know she’s as over him as he is her, as far as that goes. As I said, it’s not about her PERSONALLY, cause I know they have not a single romantic feeling left for each other. I know it’s important for them to have a friendly relationship, and I’d rather it be that than to be a stressful/dramatic/bitchy baby mama scenario. But yeah… the taking the trip together and the sleeping arrangements really blew me, and he didn’t get it.

Melo

July 30th, 2010
11:57 am

@Bethany??

how old are u?? how old is kid? have u met the ex,does she know about u,have u spoken to her on the phone?

do u live with him?
how often do u see him? who does kid stay with?

ever met any of his closest pple,friends,siblings etc…..?

have u two defined the nature of ur relationship…why are u so confident they arent sleeping tgether?

and his reasons for not intruducing his son to u after a year is..?

thanks!

kimmie

July 30th, 2010
11:57 am

DK – He’s not “wrong” for not letting her meet his son, because they are not serious. The ball is really in her court. She has to come to grips with the fact that she’s just some chick he’s kicking it with on the side, and if she is cool with that. If she’s not, and it looks like she isn’t, she should bounce.

abc

July 30th, 2010
11:57 am

Bethany, if commitment and wishes to spend your lives together have been stated, then he should not be putting his child first. He should be putting you first. The idea that kids need to come first is a false notion. A year is too long to have gone without your meeting the kid, in my view.

The sleeping and visiting arrangements with his ex are more than suspect. I have to think that he’s still hitting that.

It's me....lurker

July 30th, 2010
11:57 am

But Bethany already knows and 99.9% sure what it is or she wouldn’t be asking. She just needs a sounding board and reassurance that she ain’t wrong.

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
11:57 am

Bethayny, sweetie, from what youve described, he ALREADY understands, he just doesnt care.
and you dont have to have “romantic feelings” to be f.ucking

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
11:58 am

sorry, spelled that wrong, B E T H A N Y, lol, fingers get ahead of me sometimes….

markie mark

July 30th, 2010
11:59 am

I understand about waiting to meet the child….but a year? If you know your relationship is going in the right direction, then a year is long enough….When does his son visit him? Doesn’t he get him for weekends, etc? The real dealbreaker for me is spending the night together….you can slant it any way you wish…but it was together.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 30th, 2010
11:59 am

Actually, Bethany. The blog is helping you – it’s just that no one is saying what you want to hear.

You want someone to co-sign or explain away the bllsht that o’boy is feeding you so that you can feel better about ignoring your instincts.

But listen, I am telling you from experience, when you know in your SPIRIT that sht don’t feel right – IT AIN’T RIGHT.

You’ve already bought into the bullsht for a year. Ask yourself – how much longer are you going to accept less than?

i'm swiss™

July 30th, 2010
12:00 pm

Bethany — We’re trying to help you, but you’re not listening… Trust me… As a guy, there is no way in hell I’d sleep in the same room w/ my ex unless I was still hitting it. Especially if i was supposedly with someone else. It just wouldn’t happen. Likewise for the going over in person to “talk” when the kid is not even there. No guy wants to burn gas just to “talk” to a chic he’s not phucking. Trust me on that.

markie mark

July 30th, 2010
12:03 pm

“You guys aren’t helping meeeee! lol. the issue is how do I get him to understand that I’m not comfortable with the way he’s handling things?”

Sorry dear….again. But this is almost like a politician who looks for an answer while refusing to recognize the real source of the problem. We cant help you. You dont want what multiple people are telling you. You want advice on dealing with him and getting him to change. The basic fact here is if was going to change, it would have happened by now. When you are willing to admit and deal with the REAL problem, then maybe others can help you. But the way you are looking at this relationship? ….sorry, no one here can help you…..

abc

July 30th, 2010
12:03 pm

Actually, Bethany, if you want some suggestions for action to take, I’d suggest telling him that obviously, commitment between the 2 of you include the kid, and either he chills with the ex and introduces you to the kid, or you’ll take it as indication that the commitment is bogus — and then go out on some dates with other men. Life is a 2 way street.

It’s not as if the kid’s mother has any say-so in the matter, but I’d be willing to bet a dollar that’s playing a part in it.

Bethany

July 30th, 2010
12:03 pm

@Melo
I’m 25, he’s 29, kid is 6, baby mama is 35. I know she knows about me. I know his best friend and have adopted her as my own. Parents and siblings, not yet cause they all live in different states. I don’t live with him, son splits time half and half between them, I’m practically there any time his son isn’t. yes, we’ve explicitly defined our relationship and we are TOGETHER, I have no doubts that he loves me and we have long term plans. i haven’t met his son because as i’ve said, he’s never dated anybody before me so he’s making sure he doesn’t bring me into his son’s life before the time is right.

kimmie

July 30th, 2010
12:04 pm

DK – 11:55 – Do what works for your situation. Exposing kids to a never-ending stream of jump-offs is not cool.

What also is not cool, I think, is giving kids a false picture of what’s going on, which I think in this case, dude & so-called ex is doing. If you all didn’t want to be divorced, you shouldn’t have done it. Yes, you should be civil and have a united front where the child is concerned. But all this acting like a little cozy family when you really are not supposed to be – just seems like it would confuse the child even more. That would make it even more difficult, especially for a young child, to deal with when one of the parents suddenly decides to introduce someone else into the mix.

Bethany

July 30th, 2010
12:06 pm

No.. I’m listening. I taking everything in…

It's me....lurker

July 30th, 2010
12:06 pm

I understand about waiting to meet the child….but a year? If you know your relationship is going in the right direction, then a year is long enough….

HERE HERE….if it’s going well and all is ago what’s the problem on bringing things in tow and toward familydom (not a word) if he don’t intend on advancing the relationship? I understand to some degree because I have a kid and definitely don’t introduce her to men but if it’s a relationship where we’re both all in, she’s a part of me and at some point she’s got to be introduced to the person that could very be in her life for years to come. Don’t buy into that crap that you can’t meet someone kid and if you want to me him, all of him…kid included you’re out. If that’s the case do yourself a favor and leave.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 30th, 2010
12:08 pm

And really, I can sympathize with you. I allowed Shthead to manipulate me by minimizing my reactions to fcked up stuff that he did.

i.e. Him calling me insecure when I questioned him about why one particular chick was calling him ALL THE TIME. This as$hole had the audacity to have conversations with the chick IN FRONT OF ME, all the while telling me that she was just a friend. I didn’t listen to my instincts and months later, my suspicions were confirmed – they had been fcking all the while.

Walk away, babygirl. It’s hard and it will hurt, but it will be to your benefit because this relationship is toxic FOR YOU.

Bethany

July 30th, 2010
12:09 pm

@kimmie,
that’s my other issue… they make it a point to do things with their son together, which I get. Every kid wants to see mommy and daddy together sometimes. But I agree, I don’t think it’s in the best interest of their son for them to do too much, but I feel like it’s not my place to say anything, or if I do, i just “don’t get it” or I’m being selfish.

i'm swiss™

July 30th, 2010
12:09 pm

“I know his best friend and have adopted her as my own”

His “best friend” is a chic? Aw hell, I bet he’s hitting that, too. This dude has got you all dyckmatized…. :lol:

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
12:10 pm

i too understand not wanting the kid to be witness to a revolving door of SO, but again, if you two have beentogether a year, and are talking love and comittment – I have no doubts that he loves me and we have long term plans – you should have met the kid by now. cause part of those long term plans are going to be how does the kid react to you? how do you handle the kid? are you good for my kid?

@kimmie – agreed, the front of “happy family” creates just as many problems as seperated family, just different ones.

SlimOne...who dat derr say who dat?

July 30th, 2010
12:13 pm

There is no way in hizzell that a dude you’re dating can expect you to be okay with going out of town and sleeping in same room as an ex. If the shoe was on the other foot, he probably would’ve dropped you already.
Go in person to talk to a baby mama when the kid isnt there —> Another Red Flag. I can see if it was some life altering decision to be made about the kids health or something but outside of that —>Red flag!

It's me....lurker

July 30th, 2010
12:15 pm

Every kid wants to see mommy and daddy together sometimes.

Well, that’s wishful thinking and a sense of falsehood if mommie and daddy ain’t together and ain’t gonna be together…that works though if there’s a possibility and somebody’s hoping. Kids aren’t as fragile as you’re tryna paint or as he’s trying to sell. Kids can take a big dosage of reality better than us grown folks. My kid’s father FOR YEARS tried to pull that crap….she needs to see us as one…blah blah blah and EVERYTIME we did do something together, at his request, for the sake of the kid it always ended up about him and him wanting to either spend the night (hit it), establish a good rapport (hit it), let her see us getting along (hit it), hold hands and teach her affection (hit it). Do as suggested and lay it out there…giving him an opportunity to come clean or get right. Really though if he’s not done the right thing by now, he’s not gonna, especially after a year.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 30th, 2010
12:15 pm

Are you sure the kid is there as much as he says he’s there? And that he doesn’t have some other chick(s) over when you’re not there?

“I have no doubts that he loves me and we have long term plans.” – Yeah. So did me and Shthead.

It's me....lurker

July 30th, 2010
12:17 pm

Are you sure a kid exists?

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
12:19 pm

@its lurker – no joke, i was just thinking the same thing, what if there is no kid 8O

It's me....lurker

July 30th, 2010
12:19 pm

One more…and for the record if I was her and traveled out of town and still had feelings…Imma give him some, this I already know.