Celibacy bait and switch
There is no easy way to frame this discussion so I’m just going to put it to you guys straight. I think we have a good cross section of readers that can provide good answers to this question:
Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?
Whether it was first date hooking up or a one night stand attempt, what happens when someone decides to hop on the celibacy plan?
How would you handle a shift to a “no sex in the champagne room” kind of relationship if you really liked the person? Would it matter at all if you knew why they wanted to become celibate?
What if it was the other way around? What if you met someone who was celibate and they decided to hop off the celibacy plan?
For my own curiosity, I would like to ask those who are on dry land, how do you even broach the subject of your celibacy? When is the best time to tell someone you are dating that you don’t hook up?
Happy Friday!
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344 comments Add your comment
Sarah
July 30th, 2010
10:02 am
GM
I went from being lovers to friends and neither one of us had a problem doing it. The sex was amazing for both of us, but there was the feeling afterwards with us that it could only be all or nothing. We were not there and accepted that we would move forward without that being apart of our relationship. He is my friend – and I love him so I would rather not have sex than to jepordize what we have. What I know for sure is good friendships out last dating and sometimes marriages.
So to answer the question, Yes, it can be done if you value the person more than you value sex with that person. Just as a disclaimer – this may not work for most people this is just my life.
Leggs
July 30th, 2010
10:02 am
GOOD MORNING BLOGSVILLE (said like Robin Williams).
I have refrained from sex because I feel its the best option in terms of what has been presented to me. I’m not actively dating so I don’t have to worry about telling anyone about my self-induced freeze zone. I honestly believe its best not to have sex just for the hell of it. Sure, we are made to connect with another, but when you connect simply to fulfill a sexual desire when you want more, pain and disgust tend to creep in. It’s best to just wait (if you’re strong enough).
To have had a relationship with a man then turn around and become friends isn’t easy to do. Either party will still attempt to dance under the sheets. A little foreplay here, a little foreplay there more often than not will lead to a full out sexual romp, carpet burns and all. That type of heat is great and breathtaking for the moment, but if its not what you want, don’t fan the flames. If you no longer want a one on one sexual relationship with that friend, remain as FWBs because you two will connect again. But, as someone has said, don’t mount the horse in the first place.
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
10:08 am
DK/DreamsM, just because a woman changes her mind, does not mean another man has entered the picture. What about I am, statement when she feels she should hold back for a few months? I am, can chime in, but it sounds like she want to see if there is more to the relationship than sex. She is not seeking sex from someone else, she is still focused on you.
blue-7/30
July 30th, 2010
10:09 am
@M. – seems you should be. marriage by deception, lol
now i want cheesecake…..
markie mark
July 30th, 2010
10:10 am
I dont think, in most cases, that Genie will go back into the bottle. If you have sex, and then one partner or the other backs off, then usually the relationship will die. One partner found in the other partner something lacking (usually). There are always exceptions, but I think this is true most of the time.
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
10:11 am
@Sarah, how long have you been friends with him? How long has it been since you all were
having sexmashing yams?DreamsMaterialize
July 30th, 2010
10:13 am
DreamsM and I am…I really don’t care about the fine print; I just want a slice of that cheesecake.
Double D’s yeah me too. I’ll race you there. lol
Jack G.
July 30th, 2010
10:14 am
Those that dont want to do it before marriage usually dont want to do it after marriage either.
So after a a short time of having sex they suddenly want to stop is a red flag. Run like hell.
I speak from experience
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
10:15 am
The thing is they have YET to close the deal and they are getting married soon.
@M. dot there is a married lady that gets her hair done at the shop I used to go to. She was talking about her first marriage, and how they waited until they were married to do the deed (neither were virgins), but they wanted to do things right. Well, according to her he could not work it, and the stick he was using was small and thin. She said he knew he was not satisfying her, and he became very jealous and did not trust her.
DreamsMaterialize
July 30th, 2010
10:15 am
What about I am, statement when she feels she should hold back for a few months?
Double D’s I already responded to this in my 9:29pm. Tell me what you think.
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
July 30th, 2010
10:15 am
Ok where is Elijah.. Where you and Mr Lurker at? Ha ha you get on here and smooze, kiss butt and simp in one breath and then you turn into a psychopath in the next breath.. Ha ha ha.. I knew you was faking it.. Boy you need to take that act on the road.. Oh and if you need a new Moniker I got you one.. Think of the Batman character with the coin.. Ummm his name is.. Two Face.. Bwah Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Now Bloggers this is a prime example of why you shouldnt change your name and blog under different personalities cause its gonna come back to bite you one day..
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
10:16 am
DreamsM, since you won the race by getting there first please bring me a slice of strawberry cheesecake.
Melo
July 30th, 2010
10:17 am
Good morning folks!
@SexxyCool??
I think u are on yesterday or day be4 or day b4 of be4 topic…friends with ex topic….did u leave ur reading glasses behind?
Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?
Ye.eggh .I mean..Ne..eee,.I mean Hell NO!
here is what trips me with a chic thats in luv..some of uall dont want to hear the truth.
If u go that sex!,then “no sex buddy, until we get married” route,understand that if he agrees,hes proly getting his tank filled on the side.
Coz what right man gets to agree to eating starters be4 dinner and then agrees to defer eating the real full course dinner untill the next day??
I can understand a “lets slow it down a notch on the sexx,not humping each and every day” coz u dont want to depreciate the puddsy too much but i have never heard of “cootie/wang remorse” when the cootie or wang is very good or good and u want it to be ur own. Never!
U get cootie remorse when the cootie is cold and blah and u been tempted coz the chic seemed nice,christian like but u still wanted to hit coz she looks phine and tempting on the outside but then on hitting, u realize,No,u wronged Jesus here,u shld have let that alone….thats when u say “babeey.lets concetrate on prayer,we sinned to God!”
code for, “ur cootie sucks!”
In this day and age when suposedly celibate monks and nuns are humping..u want to bench ur man’s wang for future use after he has sampled??
Ure setting urself up for longterm marriage dissappointment!
freaky eaky friday nod pple!
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
July 30th, 2010
10:19 am
DD – Well she souldnt have given me any from the jump.. I like to do it and a chick that aint doin it doesnt work for me.. She can let me know how that works for her..
Honestly it really doesnt matter why she stopped.. She exercised her right and stopped so she shouldnt be mad if I exercise my right to find some Nu Nu..
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
July 30th, 2010
10:20 am
Elijah – Come out and Playyy e yay!! Clinking my Bottles togehter
Jack G.
July 30th, 2010
10:21 am
Get all you can and dont mess around being teased.
there comes a time when its all just a memory (damn it)
When you get old (like me) you cant see, cant pee cant chew, cant screw. So get all youcan while you can.
DreamsMaterialize
July 30th, 2010
10:21 am
thats when u say “babeey.lets concetrate on prayer,we sinned to God!” code for, “ur cootie sucks!”
HaHaHa that’s funny as he!! but true.
Leggs
July 30th, 2010
10:22 am
“If u go that sex!,then “no sex buddy, until we get married route” – I never understood how such a ridiculous request can be uttered by a woman or man
understand that if he agrees,hes proly getting his tank filled on the side.’ NO DOUBT, NO DOUBT!
You’re probably right, Melo!
I am whatever you say I am
July 30th, 2010
10:26 am
Jeannette: your 8:58 post: I disagree
The “coloring” was banging. But I said I wanted to slow it down because I didn’t want it to be the focus.
Sarah
July 30th, 2010
10:28 am
We have been friends for going on 3 years and the last time we hooked up was a month ago.
blue-7/30
July 30th, 2010
10:31 am
@M./Diana – i think that type of thing is how you get folks on Maury and Springer talking about their here to confess that they are actually a woman when all their SO thought they were male, or vice versa
. i’ll be d@mned if we are about to get married and i dont know for a fact what sex you are! 
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
10:33 am
“We have been friends for going on 3 years and the last time we hooked up was a month ago”
Sarah — A little clarification, please… So, does that mean that this transition to “friends only” is a recent thing (3 months ago), or does this mean that you’ve been occasional FWBs, that last benefit coming 3 months ago?
czBrat
July 30th, 2010
10:36 am
Sarah, i’ve been there too and have a great friend to show for it. my understanding of the topic was not about becoming “friends” after intimacy but about continuing the committed relationship minus the sex. someone please set me straight. it’s friday and i’ve already met my heavy thinking quota for the week.
hmmmm, @ DK 10:01, surely that’s not even possible
LOL!!
Dirty Diana ♠
July 30th, 2010
10:37 am
Sarah, if he popped that coodie a month ago, you don’t have enough seniority. I want to hear what happened four years from now, will he still be popping those yams, or will y’all be friends
blue-7/30
July 30th, 2010
10:38 am
awww, folks in my regular breakfast hole paid for my breakfast this morning
thanx for the bday wishes yesterday Diana, PR!
Sarah
July 30th, 2010
10:47 am
@ Swiss – NO FWB – we met, dated we were really feeling each other, hooked up – than became (just) friends and a month ago hooked back up. but our friendship had already taken hold by then. I had time to get to know him without sex, he has supported me as a friend and I him. I don’t want us to be a casualty of sex – I’ll take the friendship with out it.
Happy Friday!
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
July 30th, 2010
10:47 am
CZ – Ha ha.. Hey it is what it is.. Im a real-ist.
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
10:53 am
blue — Small world… I ate my regular breakfast hole for breakfast this morning, too…
itpdude
July 30th, 2010
10:54 am
I can see it working if it’s a woman with a man who is gay but doesn’t want to be publicly out. And that is a maybe. Otherwise it’s generally called being friends or being pretty damn old.
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
10:56 am
Sarah — Ah, okay… But he was free to see others while you were just “friends” then? If that’s the case, then that’s the smart play on his part — sticking around as a good “friend” just in case… And sounds like just in case just happened….
It's me....lurker
July 30th, 2010
10:57 am
Sarah, he’s waiting on you. He can probably live with or without it. Sometime us chicks are stressing over stuff that really, a dude ain’t gonna give two heave hoos about. He’s probably cool being cool or cool if throw getting down up in the mix. If you don’t want to get down he’s cool with that cause he’ll be friends with you (no pressure) while getting down elsewhere. But just in case ya’ll slip and fall into it from time to time, he’s cool with that too, cause that’s the kind of friend he is. Don’t do it if you can’t handle the casualness of it all. Sounds like to me it’s gonna be a FWB type thing. I hope this don’t sound mean cause that’s not my intent.
Dirty Diana
July 30th, 2010
10:58 am
@Swiss we already know your favorite breakfast hole. Oh yea, I agree on that 10:56
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
11:01 am
“…we already know your favorite breakfast hole”
Dirty D — Mmmmmm mmm…. Yup. Had it w/ extra syrup this morning….
blue-7/30
July 30th, 2010
11:07 am
@swiss – gotta start teh day off right.
and on this freaky friday morning, quote shall be:
An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
Mae West
Big Man
July 30th, 2010
11:12 am
HELL NO!
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
11:12 am
blue — My sentiments exactly… A healthy breakfast is the only way to start the day…
So, now that we’ve conclusively answered the original blog query… Show us your p.ussy!
I am whatever you say I am
July 30th, 2010
11:22 am
My Bad! the $1.50 cheesecake was from the facebook fan page if you printed the invite and it occurred yesterday.
Can’t believe I missed it!
today is 1/2 off all day.
blue-7/30
July 30th, 2010
11:23 am
hey swiss – do guys really care if the bra and panties match
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
11:24 am
“today is 1/2 off all day.”
And so it is…. So, take your pick ladies — top half or bottom half… OFF!
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
11:25 am
“do guys really care if the bra and panties match”
In a word… no. Well, unless the bra is a nice, sexy black lace & the panties have a cup. Then we have problems…
Bethany
July 30th, 2010
11:27 am
Does Wise Diva give dating/relationship advice?? I have a burning question!!
i'm swiss™
July 30th, 2010
11:28 am
“I have a burning question!!”
Answer: penicillin.
It's me....lurker
July 30th, 2010
11:28 am
Bethany, you ain’t gotta ask…just post something you’ll get comments and advice in droves.
kimmie
July 30th, 2010
11:29 am
Happy Friday Good People!
Sure, we are made to connect with another, but when you connect simply to fulfill a sexual desire when you want more, pain and disgust tend to creep in.
Leggs, I so identify with this, in fact, I shut things down until I got in a serious relationship.
I’m a grown a– woman. Starting and stopping is playing games, teasing, for the BOTH of us, not just the guy. If you have some kind of religious conflicts, then you need to work those out before you get in a relationship OR find someone that is like-minded.
SlimOne...who dat derr say who dat?
July 30th, 2010
11:30 am
Bethany – well you may want to get that checked out. Not sure how a blog moderator can help you if you’re burning.
But for real tho, that’s what the blog community is for so lay the question on us and see a plethora of ‘advice’ come your way. lol
Melo
July 30th, 2010
11:30 am
do guys really care if the bra and panties match
@blue-7/30 ??
that depends on the level of hunger…if u really really heeengry,nope, coz u wanna take it off as soon as possible and nutt……
if its ur girl u been seeing a bit or ur regular, u hope she does some “”"right”" to ensure that when u eventually have her shed the clothes off,what u see(matching bra,panties,perky tatas,nice silhoutte etc,) is exaclty what u think u been waiting for..ur mental pic is satisfied…so the johnson goes even more beserk on site of that lovely babes in matching gear……as u prep to lick her all over and use ur mouf to slide it low!
Did I answer ur qstion blue??
Bethany
July 30th, 2010
11:30 am
Okay… That’ll work.
I have a serious question and I was hoping to gain some insight… I know you’ll give it to me straight. So here goes-
I’ve been in a wonderful relationship with a great man for a year now. We connected early in an amazing way. One of the best things about our relationship is that we see eye to eye on everything, and we understand each other… except when it comes to dealing with his child’s mother. I’ve never seriously dated a man with a child before him, and he hasn’t been in a relationship with anyone who is not his son’s mother since they broke up about 5 years ago. All of the major issues we have usually can be traced to something having to do with how he handles situations when it comes to her. Now, when I decided to jump all the way into a relationship with him, I knew it would be an adjustment being with someone who has a child, as his son will be (and should be) his number 1 priority. But I did not sign up to come in 3rd behind his son’s mother. I feel as if he makes too many decisions that revolve around her feelings, sometimes at the expense of mine. I have yet to meet his son or his son’s mother, so it’s not her personally… Just who she represents. Another woman my man has to deal with everyday. Anyway, just recently, they took a trip together to visit their son at away camp, together, and I couldn’t figure out why they couldn’t schedule to visit him on 2 different weekends. I was concerned about sleeping arrangements, and he didn’t get that I was uncomfortable and found it inappropriate really, that they would be sleeping in the same room. He made me feel as if I were over-reacting. Was I?? Am I supposed to be okay with something like that? When I asked why couldn’t one of them wait and go another weekend, I was accused of being selfish, as he said quote “How do you look telling someone they should wait to see their child”, when that’s not it at all, I’m just wondering why they had to go on the SAME weekend. At any rate, I love him to death, this is the man that I want to spend my life with and he has expressed that he wants the same thing. So what steps do we need to take to smooth things out as far as this situation goes. It’s turned into an argument nearly everytime we talk about something dealing with his son’s mother. And we’re both sick of it.
-Bethany At The End Of My Damn Rope
LurkmodeBeastmode
July 30th, 2010
11:32 am
Bethany,
Let me stop you right there…
How “serious” is your relationship if you haven’t met his son after a whole year???
Melo
July 30th, 2010
11:35 am
@Bethany..thats just one incident,what are the other instances of disagreement that make u feel u number 3??
But I did not sign up to come in 3rd behind his son’s mother
other examples if dont mind??
Melo
July 30th, 2010
11:35 am
if u dont mind