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Celibacy bait and switch

There is no easy way to frame this discussion so I’m just going to put it to you guys straight.  I think we have a good cross section of readers that can provide good answers to this question:

Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?

Whether it was first date hooking up or a one night stand attempt, what happens when someone decides to hop on the celibacy plan?

How would you handle a shift to a “no sex in the champagne room” kind of relationship if you really liked the person? Would it matter at all if you knew why they wanted to become celibate?

What if it was the other way around? What if you met someone who was celibate and they decided to hop off the celibacy plan?

For my own curiosity, I would like to ask those who are on dry land, how do you even broach the subject of your celibacy?   When is the best time to tell someone you are dating that you don’t hook up?

Happy Friday!

344 comments Add your comment

YESSHEISCUTE

July 30th, 2010
8:12 am

I’ve been on the giving end of this plenty of times….I was finally receiving end of this last year. I was so frustrated when the guy decided to jump on the no fornication before marriage wagon. But I really liked him a lot so I was somewhat willing to comply…even though he did go back on his word a couple of times (the flesh is weak I guess)….what I learned is….it doesn’t feel good so if you feel its something that could possibly come up bring it up before hand don’t give them a couple slices of the cake and then say they can’t have anymore. Especially if it was good that’s a shock to the mind…and the body!

As Jerry Seinfield once said...

July 30th, 2010
8:24 am

…I am the master of my domain, so I can take it or leave it…

I am whatever you say I am

July 30th, 2010
8:43 am

“Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?”

I think the only time it’s okay to do this is only if you were dating for a short time and you realized that you did the deed too soon; so you cool off to see what the other person’s real intentions are.
If the person’s real intentions are to have a real relationship with you that is suitable to you, then after the hold (no longer than 3 months) then it’s best to resume the Olympic games.
But to hold off for the sake of marriage after you have done the deed, now that is donkey backwards.
That’s like eating a pie and bringing back the empty container to Publix and saying that you wanted to hold off didn’t mean to eat it just yet and want your money back.

I am whatever you say I am

July 30th, 2010
8:43 am

$1.50 cheesecake at the cheesecake factory
ALL DAY!!!!

Trizzle

July 30th, 2010
8:45 am

Well, if you start out in the bed, then changing paths afterward is kinda hard. People today jump into bed on the first impulse and that is what needs to change. I’m guilty as well so I’m not throwing any stones. I wish it was like it was a long time ago when you met someone, you dated, became friends and the bond grew stronger until you both decided to move forward with intimacy. That way, there was time to discuss what path really needs to be taken and there wouldn’t be this issue of jumping on and off.

SailorMan

July 30th, 2010
8:47 am

I personally don’t believe in voluntary celibacy and I seriously wonder why anyone would other than specific medical issues. You either have a sexual relationship with someone or you don’t. That can change with a mutual understanding, but probably not a one-sided understanding.

SlimOne Not givin' up on luv

July 30th, 2010
8:54 am

Good morning all! :-)

I am – I had some cheesecake last night so I think i’m at my max limit for sin this week. But I will definitely keep that in mind as the day goes on. Mmmmmm cheesecake

Jeanette

July 30th, 2010
8:58 am

If you swing from the chandeliers with someone and later they say they just want to cool it for awhile, it RARELY means what they say it means. Nearly always it means the sex was awful. If he or she says they just want to slow it down that’s the nice way of saying “get lost”.

Dirty Diana ♠

July 30th, 2010
8:58 am

Hola!

This will be an interesting topic. I cannot wait to hear what some of the guys and a few of the gals have to say!

Personally, I don’t do the dog-in-heat action, so when I drop it I know I am ready for it, and there is no turning back unless it was wack!

Dirty Diana ♠

July 30th, 2010
9:00 am

Jeanette, I agree…the sex was wack.

i'm swiss™

July 30th, 2010
9:06 am

“Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?”

No.

Next topic? :lol:

abc

July 30th, 2010
9:07 am

If it’s important to a person to be celibate, regardless of history, compliance with their wishes is mandatory; whether you abandon them on account of it reflects on their real importance to you.

Dirty Diana ♠

July 30th, 2010
9:08 am

@Swiss, have you ever tried to doing this??? I guess I was thinking Swiss wanted to see more than her puddy

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
9:09 am

GM all,

Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?

imo, thats not gonna work so well. one or the other of you is gonna start hinting at how things used to be, and you know it wouldnt be that bad if we made an exception this time. and holding off after youve already been intimate for the sake fo marriage? why bother, i mean youve already spoiled the surprise, lol.

@Jeannette/Diana – agreed, it rarely means what they say. seems thats their way of letting you down easy, or at best trying to figure out if its worth trying to “train” you

Bubba

July 30th, 2010
9:10 am

It has worked for married couples for centuries

Just Me

July 30th, 2010
9:11 am

I agree with Trizzle. In general most are quick to jump into a sexual relationship. It’s rare that we court each other as our grandparents did. We don’t take the time to get to know each other first and ask the tough questions. If we did, maybe there would be so much of the dysfunction nowadays (grandparents in there 30s and 40s, high divorce rate, so many single parent homes, etc.).

Nonetheless, if you’ve crossed that sex zone, it’s hard to turn back, especially if it’s good. The flesh is definitely weak. Now if it’s wack (lmbo) then it’s easy to say let’s push back. But ‘let’s push back’ is a ‘you don’t have to ever call me again’ type of thing.

If you’re going to be celibate, be just that and be up front. A person not considering celibacy may date a celibate person but he/she is sleeping with another non-celibate girl/guy. Trust.

i'm swiss™

July 30th, 2010
9:12 am

Dirty D — No. It makes no sense to me. You’re either comfortable enough with me to do the d@mn thing, or you’re not. If you’re suddenly not — then we have a problem.

Sex is Next

July 30th, 2010
9:13 am

No.
Short answer.
You people above me have me ROTFLMAO! You people are either drunk, blind, stupid or all three.
If a man wants to have a woman for a friend, then better skip sex; women, all women, put more into sexual feelings for a man than vice versa. Men are like dogs smelling “heat.” Women should know this, as well; ladies, if you want to keep him as a friend, best not mount the man. Even if SHE won’t fall in love, the man probably will.

Purple Rain

July 30th, 2010
9:15 am

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
9:17 am

@swiss – my question at that point would be why all of a sudden do you want to change things. i think i would need more than oh, i think we should wait. you werent saying that last night, so what changed now. i think more often than not there is some “disagreeable” reason as to why they try to make the switch.

M. (pronouced M dot)

July 30th, 2010
9:18 am

Friday

This is an interesting topic. I have a friend who was dating a girl who had one foot on the band wagon and one foot off. The thing is they have YET to close the deal and they are getting married soon. What if when they finally do close the deal and it turns out to be horrible?

How would you handle someone who was partially on the band wagon; as in we can do this but we cant do that?

I would personally want someone who was 100% in or out. No in between the game!

i'm swiss™

July 30th, 2010
9:22 am

blue</strong — Exactly. There's always some ulterior motive. My ex tried to pull that “let’s stop until after we’re married” trick when we were engaged, after we’d been phlucking for 6 years. Of course, she didn’t want to withhold from her lesbo girlfriends, just me. And hence the “-ex.” :lol:

abc

July 30th, 2010
9:23 am

I’d say the opposite is true, troll: a woman is much more likely to attach emotional significance to sex.

i'm swiss™

July 30th, 2010
9:23 am

blue — Exactly. There’s always some ulterior motive…

SlimOne...who dat derr say who dat?

July 30th, 2010
9:23 am

‘I would personally want someone who was 100% in or out. No in between the game!’

Mdot – You have a great point. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would say one day they are off the sex bandwagon, only to have him pick and choose whenever HE felt it convenient for him to want to back slide. Either we’re going to have that be a part of our ‘courtship’ or we aren’t.

i'm swiss™

July 30th, 2010
9:26 am

“…only to have him pick and choose whenever HE felt it convenient for him to want to back slide.”

Welcome to a man’s world, Slim;-) :lol:

It's me....lurker

July 30th, 2010
9:26 am

Did ABC just call somebody a troll? LOL Or did I misunderstand. You NEVER resort to name calling…that was funny.

blue-7/30

July 30th, 2010
9:26 am

@M. – What if when they finally do close the deal and it turns out to be horrible? hilarious, wonder how often that happens….lol

middle-age fogey

July 30th, 2010
9:27 am

This my perspective as a 50 y.o. male, divorced 10 years. I agree with Jeanette in that it often means the sex wasn’t satisfying. But can often mean the relationship has peaked in other areas, and sudden celibacy is pre-emptive to breaking it off and going in a new direction. At our age, I find some partners (women) have been scarred from previous relationships, and are very wary of entanglement. Men don’t scar as easily, and remain happy-go-lucky and take life as it comes.

my case study: About 7 years ago, I found myself in a very flirtacious romance with a great woman. After a coupla months, it culminated in a great one-night stand for both of us. Not just me, it was good sexually for her as well… I mean, if you have any perception at all, you can tell if your partner is really enjoying it, or just going thru the motions. But that was to be the end of it… why?
Becuz she had been so damaged from the past that she feared the committment to which we were heading. It was just much easier to not date and have to put up with it all, even if some of the cost was celibacy.
She and I remain very good friends, constantly teasing each other via text, FaceBook, etc. She has never dated anyone since to my knowledge. But we don’t date, and we don’t do it.. not that I wouldn’t like another shot. So … you can be friends afterward.

free2be

July 30th, 2010
9:28 am

good morning all!:) nope, don’t think this would work for me either. if i knew upfront, that’s different. i also wouldn’t do that to someone after the fact. i think it would cause way too much tension and confusion.

DreamsMaterialize

July 30th, 2010
9:29 am

Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?
Sure it’s possible, but not likely. If you tell me you want to be celibate, I’m assuming you found somewhere else to get it…you just want to be celibate with me. GTFOH.

If the person’s real intentions are to have a real relationship with you that is suitable to you, then after the hold (no longer than 3 months)
I am If my intention was to have a real relationship with you, then you’ve immediately ruined it by trying to make me wait 3 months. If we’ve already had sex, I’m not waiting around 3 months for you to decide if it’s real. You go ahead and hold out, and in the meantime I’ll go find someone who is mature, secure, and respects me enough to not play games sex.

whether you abandon them on account of it reflects on their real importance to you.
abc Antecedently, their decision to be celibate reflects on my real importance to them.

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

July 30th, 2010
9:29 am

No you cant go celibate on me… Why? Cause Im a hot blooded heterosexual mayne thats not Celibate.. I’ll have to get someone that will do the grown up with me..

M. (pronouced M dot)

July 30th, 2010
9:29 am

@Slim

Also I think she may try to use that to control him. She was like we can do XY but we cant do that. I would rather have nothing than get teased on the regular. Like you said, not when its conveient for them!

@blue-7/30

That would be crazy. Can you get that annulled?

abc

July 30th, 2010
9:31 am

Lurker, referring to them as a troll is hardly name calling, merely descriptive of the obvious. I suppose I could refer to them as ‘next’. Next!

Bubba’s comment about how celibacy has been working for married couples for centuries is ironically funny. Been there.

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

July 30th, 2010
9:31 am

A 3 month rule gonna get ya passed over cause at this age you show know if you wanna Fcuk or not.. We gonna do it when the situation arises.. Pun Intended..

Jeff in ATL

July 30th, 2010
9:32 am

“Is it possible to take a dating relationship to non-sexual after you have already been intimate?”

Why would anyone want to? Sex is good. Sex is enjoyable. People should experience good, enjoyable things in life.

abc

July 30th, 2010
9:34 am

Point taken, DM, but it raises the question: is sex the most important thing in the relationship, and if so, is that enough to stick around anyway?

Georgia Pete

July 30th, 2010
9:36 am

Going from intimacy to celibacy never works. You’ve crossed the Rubicon, and it brings in a slew of emotions that can not be reversed. Maybe you can contain those emotions, but only for a while. If that person dates someone else and becomes intimate with them, then insecurities, and jealousies arise. Not good. Date first. Really get to know that person. Put everything on the table. Communicate. Get on the same page. Be honest and expect honesty. You need a foundation prepared for intimacy. Too many people get hurt with slam, bam, thank you ma’am approach to sex.

Dirty Diana ♠

July 30th, 2010
9:37 am

This topic has me cooing:

Remember that special night
When all of the stars were shining bright
We made our first endeavor to stay together
We made our very first promise
To love, to share, and be real honest
But on that very first night
It wasn’t quite right

Let’s wait awhile
Before it’s too late
Let’s wait awhile
Our love will be great
Let’s wait awhile
Before we go too far

SlimOne...who dat derr say who dat?

July 30th, 2010
9:38 am

‘If you tell me you want to be celibate, I’m assuming you found somewhere else to get it…you just want to be celibate with me.’

Dreams – reminds me of times I would see my ex whenever we weren’t together. In his mind he felt he would/should always be able to get some. However, when he got the push back he said, “Oh so I get it. You just don’t want to be sexing two dudes at the same time…I understand that” LOL!

If I was with a dude that all of a sudden said he didn’t wanna partake of the horizontal tango anymore, I’d assume that I was just that bad that he’d want to call quits on me.

i'm swiss™

July 30th, 2010
9:40 am

:lol: @ Jeff — Your comment put that George Michael song in my head…

“Sex is natural, sex is good.

Not everybody’s done it, but everybody should…”

:lol:

DreamsMaterialize

July 30th, 2010
9:41 am

A 3 month rule gonna get ya passed over cause at this age you show know if you wanna Fcuk or not
DK she was talkin’ bout puttin you on hold for 3 months AFTER ya’ll done already knocked boots. Don’t know one dude who would ever roll with that.

abc Having sex isn’t enough to stick around, but not having sex is enough to exit. lol

LeeH1

July 30th, 2010
9:43 am

I wouldn’t do it. Going celibate after sex is too much like a put down on the other person’s sexual technique and performance.

Besides, the sexual tensions between the couple will rise, and either be met by someone else, or the reason for the sexual tension will be dropped. Either way, it will appear to be manipulative or game playing.

Your Mom was right- wait until you are sure. If you screw before knowing, you may lose your chance entirely.

Americans like both hot and cold water to mix and come out of just one tap. Only the Brits like having serarate hot and cold water spouts.

czBrat

July 30th, 2010
9:48 am

today’s topic is just shenanigans i tell ya.

GM All!

Dirty Diana ♠

July 30th, 2010
9:50 am

“Oh so I get it. You just don’t want to be sexing two dudes at the same time…I understand that”

@Slim at least he was understanding..LOL

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 30th, 2010
9:53 am

I have a few acquantainces that have I have had sexual encounters with in the past, but are not and will not any longer. And I am still friendLY with these individuals. (Note – please pay attention to how I call them acquaintances and acknowledge being friendLY with these individuals, but do not call them friend.)

I do not/will not interact with friendly acquaintances on the same level of people that I consider *friends.*

DreamsMaterialize

July 30th, 2010
9:54 am

$1.50 cheesecake at the cheesecake factory
ALL DAY!!!

I thought it has half-off any slice if you dine in.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 30th, 2010
10:01 am

Yeah…um…so, I read the responses and responded to the responses and not the topic.

On topic – Going back to celibacy WITHIN a relationship after having had sex is like trying to clean oil out of waters of the Gulf.

Dirty Diana ♠

July 30th, 2010
10:01 am

@czBrat I agree…this is a “going green” five minute topic.

@DreamsM and I am…I really don’t care about the fine print; I just want a slice of that cheesecake.

Roll call, where is Melo, Lady, PK, mark, trevor, and MR Lurker?

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

July 30th, 2010
10:01 am

DM – Oh if a chick go Celibate on me I already know what it is.. She mustve found a bigger johnson than mine..