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Dating: Accessing the ex-files

Whether we believe men and women can really be “friends” or not, the dynamics change after the two of you have made an attempt at a romantic relationship.  I am always curious about those who remain friends and make it work without any old issues resurfacing.

How does the new person in your life handle the fact that you not only still speak to your ex, but they are actually a big part of your life?  Do we hold on to our exes because we secretly wish for another chance?

How much access to our exes do we really need when we are dating someone new?  I recently met a guy who has an annual vacation trip with his ex.   I don’t know if I have any exes that I would go on vacations with but I could handle a casual friendship with a few.  As it stands, I operate on the assumption that they are all miserable without me somewhere, because that’s just how big my ego is!

Would you want your ex to remain a  prominent part or your life?

If you have a great relationship with an ex, did it take a while to get to that stage where you were comfortable talking to them post-breakup?  I admit that breakups don’t have to be awful, but should we work harder at trying to remain friends with our exes? What could we learn if we did?

362 comments Add your comment

Wise Diva

July 28th, 2010
8:40 am

Good morning sunshines :) I’m trying to get my day started but I’m moving rather slow. Hope everyone has a wonderful day. I sure plan to

PrincessNik..in need of a 5hr energy

July 28th, 2010
8:41 am

I have some exe’s i’m still cool with, but that does not necesarrily equate to us hanging out together etc…. That means we can be in the same space and not be ready to kill each other or jealous about any new s/o. Of course I also have my daughter’s father who I have to communicate with but we aint hanging out together either.

Morning Folks

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
8:48 am

good Morning Diva.
I’m friends with quite a few exes. And the friendships have lasted over 10yrs!!

It can work but only if there is maturity and honesty on both parts.As well as the understanding that it’s just a friendship and not a FWB.
Boys will be Boys and they will try to push the envelop but for a woman to remain firm on their stance, the boys repsect that and nobody gets hurt.
And please, don’t get on them because the boys sometimes at times will push the envelop; it’s what guys do.
If they think there is a slight possibility that they can get some, they will try it. Friend or Foe. LOL

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
8:49 am

typo: remain firm on her stance

YESSHEISCUTE

July 28th, 2010
8:55 am

Although it was an amicable breakup it wasn’t amicable circumstances and quite frankly I don’t deserve is quasi presence in my life. Actually he was still a main part of my life up until now (now he has a girlfriend) but we still talk. I have a boyfriend which is why I don’t talk to him as much (I don’t think he likes the fact that my ex and I have a rapport). But yeah, the past is past. My other exes are mostly across the ocean so I don’t have that problem. I barely even talk to them. But this guy was in my life for 5 years running already 3.5 years together so he’s the most relevant relationship I’ve ever had in my life.

lewillis71

July 28th, 2010
8:57 am

This is my first time posting!

After reading this post and looking back on the past three months, I totally agree! About 1 1/2 years ago, I made the bold step to date a best guy friend. Things didn’t work out but it is still a challenge to keep it just being a friendship because we did cross the line of “love”.

Dirty Diana ♠

July 28th, 2010
9:03 am

Hola!

I am not bosom buddies with any of my exes they are exes for a reason. However, we will chat, and I have one that will do anything in the world for me. Although I value the connection we have I don’t abuse it either. We see each other about twice a year, and that is more than enought. When I was at home recovering he would always stop by during the day to keep me company. So I don’t do that BFF with my exes, but I am cordial with no hard feelings or jealousy.

Disclaimer I have one that I don’t mess with at all :arrow: he stays on his playground and I stay on mine. If we were to see each other in public, I would use the wisdom of Lord Byron, “appear to be friends without doing so;” or, “While you agree, you are lovers; and when it is over, anything but friends.” Lord Byron as well.

Dirty Diana ♠

July 28th, 2010
9:04 am

Lets give a warm, toasty, cheerful welcome to lewillis71 !!!

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:06 am

If there was enough left to be friends, we would have remained lovers.

Kimmy

July 28th, 2010
9:08 am

Me and my ex are true and great friends. We dateds for almost 3 years and have been friends for the past decade. I think part of our friendship is due to the fact that we went through a lot while dating. His mother was diagnosed with cancer, I just relocated, had problems with my family, his father cheated on his mother, his best friend died, and I lost my uncle and cousin. We don’t take annual trips but we talk at least once per month and we always have dinner when he’s in town. I can always count on him. I think also because our break up was due to circumstance rather then some tramtic event. You can be friends but we are also very respectful of each others relationships.

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
9:09 am

Sup Carlito and Diana!!!
Welcome to Blogsvile lewillis71

Hmmnnn…is the blog bar open yet? :?:

Dirty Diana ♠

July 28th, 2010
9:09 am

@lewillis71~

About 1 1/2 years ago, I made the bold step to date a best guy friend. Things didn’t work out but it is still a challenge to keep it just being a friendship because we did cross the line of “love”.

I did the same thing I was friends with a guy for a number of years. We started hanging out more and more. It was difficult to tell where the friendship merged with the relationship; however, the break up was bad and the friendship ended with the relationship.

Dig That

July 28th, 2010
9:10 am

Good Morning erybody

I’m not so sure about the “good” friends with an ex situation. If you all could be that cool then why a break up in the first place. Then on the other hand if your new SO is uncomfortable with it then why screw that up over someone that wasn’t good enough to stay current. I have heard that scenario quite a few times and instead of asking me why would your new boyfriend/girlfriend be upset about it then ask yourself why even give the past space in your present and possible future?

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
9:11 am

side note &larr
I can’t see the exes in person. Something bound to happen.
Good thing they live out of state :-D

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
9:11 am

side note ←
I can’t see the exes in person. Something bound to happen.
Good thing they live out of state

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:13 am

I Am, Hello :)

Welcome, lewillis71.

Dig That, I agree

blue-7/30

July 28th, 2010
9:17 am

GM all,

hiya lewillis71 :)

i only have 2 exs i deal with.
one as the father of my oldest midget, and we are civil because the boy is old enough to tell when we arent.
#2 i would say is one of my closest friends. i attribute that mostly to, as Kimmy said, the fact that we broke up over just life circumstances not someone cheating or abuse or anything like that. the fact that we do know each other well leads to ease of conversation. so far we have made it work with the simple maturity that we are friends, both of us married, and thats where it stays.
mr.blue claims hes ok with it, just doesnt want to hear aout him. a little confused there as i tried to keep him in the loop simple to be on the up and up, to make it clear i wasnt trying to hide anything or there being anything for him to worry about. the way it stands now, we are friends, and mr.blue just acts as if its not there lol. can be difficult at times tho, since i have an uncle and a cousin with the same name lol

mark

July 28th, 2010
9:20 am

HeLLLL NAW!!! they are an EX for a reason!

Dirty Diana ♠

July 28th, 2010
9:20 am

@Purp I agree on that 9:00

@I am…hey there

mark

July 28th, 2010
9:20 am

Hey Leggs Hey Diana Hey Purple:)

Dirty Diana ♠

July 28th, 2010
9:22 am

Wassup dig that are you still training that heifer? LOL

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:23 am

C tha 1

July 28th, 2010
9:24 am

Ain’t no way in hell I’ll be friends with an ex like that

anonymousella

July 28th, 2010
9:24 am

friends with my ex(es)? h3ll to the naw. i shouldn’t have dated them to begin with, which is why we broke up.

now i have tried, which is why i know it doesn’t work. one dude kept trying to get back in, and wanted to take strolls down memory lane — 5 years and 2 relationships later. negro please.

the other thought it would be cute to lie about where i stood. if i ask you about whether we can reconcile, don’t tell me “we’ll see” when *YOU* know the answer is “no.” the news about his new girlfriend came out mighty awkwardly … despite us being in daily contact for 6 months prior. the f***? and then he got mad that i got mad at him for not telling me sooner. the double f***?

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:25 am

I would not condone my wife being a friend with an ex-lover, it is not about insecurity or jealousy it is about our current covenant. Then I would ask what is so important that you have to remain friends, where am I lacking as your husband, bff that you need to maintain another man as a friend?

Dirty Diana ♠

July 28th, 2010
9:25 am

Hey mark whats popping on your end?

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
9:27 am

Sometimes an ex is an ex because things happen
You grow apart, or in my case you move out of state.
Not all exes are exes because they couldn’t act right.

abc

July 28th, 2010
9:28 am

I’ve no interest in friendship with exes; I wouldn’t tolerate it if my girl had friendships with exes. I think there’s no such thing as changing a relationship from intimate to less than intimate — once you’re there, you’re there. Else, you’re just kidding yourself.

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
9:28 am

I will say this though, when I am in a relationship with someone I barely ever talk to the exes. Usually I talk it up more with them when I’m single but keep in mind, these are not people I talk to on the daily

Dig That

July 28th, 2010
9:29 am

What up D.
She is still barely hanging on, skirts getting shorter and shorter by the day. She has improved her coffee and STFU skills so she might have promise after all.

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:31 am

I Am, that situation would make it even worse, in the mind of the new guy. LOL So the only reason you all broke up is because someone moved? LOL, hope he does not move to Georgia. LOL

Dig That

July 28th, 2010
9:33 am

there’s no such thing as changing a relationship from intimate to less than intimate — once you’re there, you’re there. Else, you’re just kidding yourself.

@abc- I can dig that.

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
9:34 am

Oh! Em! Gee! (OMG)
I want a cookie!

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:35 am

abc, I agree

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
9:35 am

Carlito: Whomever I deal with has to be insecure with themselves to realize that ex does not = boyfriend, lover, etc….
It’s been well over 10 yrs since I’ve seen any of my exes in person.
I’ve moved on from that level.
It’s platonic

I am whatever you say I am

July 28th, 2010
9:36 am

typo: secure with themselves

M. (pronouced M dot)

July 28th, 2010
9:36 am

Befriending and ex is not always a good/bad idea. I think there are instances where they are a cool person and you guys can be casual friends.

I think guys should sometimes be weary of befriending ex girlfriends because some women like to use their Ex’s for an ego boost when the dating scene isn’t going good for them, the guys they are meeting arent cooperating with them, or they just got dumped, they like to go back to known situations where they know someone will sweat them i.e., an ex…especially is she broke up with you. When they get someone new, they will disappear. Ive had this. She comes around talking like she wants to get back together, then disappears for 2 months….thats them meeting and getting dumped by different people.

Also some people guys/girls like to play that friend role just to keep tabs on you and your new dating encounters. You know how the conversation goes…hows everything, your family, work, any new “funny” dating stories? What’s funny, they may not necessarily want you but they dont want someone else to have you either.

Another reason guys should not really keep ex’s to close is because they like the benefits that you provide. This can go both ways. Example, I just ended things with this girl, but she was like we can still be friends, you know, go out to dinner, movies, hang out, etc. Its like they want the benefits of dating someone without the committment.

C tha 1

July 28th, 2010
9:38 am

People who want friendships with exes can’t have the cake and eat it too. Personally my ability to hold friendships with the opposite sex is hard wired to my penis. Call me immature but it is what it is. I’ve learned to embrace th f’ed up side of my manhood.

Dig That

July 28th, 2010
9:38 am

when I am in a relationship with someone I barely ever talk to the exes

@I am- That would make me feel so much better as your new man. (sarcasm inserted)

blue-7/30

July 28th, 2010
9:41 am

@PR – where am I lacking as your husband, bff that you need to maintain another man as a friend? imo, for the person with the friend, by the time we hit friend status, its not all about male or female. its about someone who knows you. mr.blue has said his stance is that we both had friends b4 we got married, and as long as it stays in “friends” we’re cool. and as long as he can feel that should he need it to be put to an end that i will do it, hes ok. so far it seems to be doing ok, we’ll see. but your statement above sounds as if any male friends would be a problem?
@I am – Not all exes are exes because they couldn’t act right – agreed. sometimes things just happen that send you in two different directions that are somehow irrepairable.

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:45 am

Dig That, she said a man “has to be secure” with her being a friend with her “ex” LOL. If at any point a man has been where I go currently, he is not to be in the picture at all. First these women want us to not have a double standard about them being h0es before dating us and now they want us to accept the fact that they are still in contact with their men from the past and their “ex’s”. I promise you any guy that is cool with that, is in more than just contact with his “ex’s” and other women. LOL

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:46 am

blue, the conversation is about ex’s, not just male friends.

Lucinda

July 28th, 2010
9:47 am

The only reason I’ve ever tried to remain friends with an ex was that I was in something that wasn’t really working and was looking for a little side play from time to time, plus the ego boost that went with it. The ex’s understood the deal and were willing to play cuz they knew the day would come when they’d get to hit it a time or two.

At this point in my life, there is no ex that I would consider such an arrangement with, so NO, I wouldn’t be “friends” with an ex. Plus, I now understand that it’s hard for a new man to deal with an ex being around — something about the visuals they know another man has seen. Just trying to be more realistic with how things work. And, I am much happier for it.

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:47 am

Friends are friends. Ex’s are ex’s, anyone see the difference? LOL

Kym-is ready for some Football

July 28th, 2010
9:48 am

Good Morning All,

I have to lurk on this one..yeah I have remain friends with ex’s and not really had a problem at all.

I missed your b-day Purple Rain..I hope you had a blast!

Lucinda

July 28th, 2010
9:49 am

*Personally my ability to hold friendships with the opposite sex is hard wired to my penis. Call me immature but it is what it is. I’ve learned to embrace th f’ed up side of my manhood*

My point exactly.

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:50 am

Furthermore, if you are married or in a relationship one’s friends should be welcome around your significant other. How are you going to have a friend that is not welcome around your mate or that does not know your mate? Silly me, I thought people shared their world together and not have their private friends on the side. Like some guy is going to welcome your ex boyfriend who is still your friend over to watch the game and drink some brews. LOL

It's me....lurker

July 28th, 2010
9:50 am

ABC – I think there’s no such thing as changing a relationship from intimate to less than intimate — once you’re there, you’re there. Else, you’re just kidding yourself.

So true so true

C tha 1 – People who want friendships with exes can’t have the cake and eat it too. Personally my ability to hold friendships with the opposite sex is hard wired to my penis

It’s not just you, it all of those exes. Some folks just choose to believe otherwise. ABC’s and C tha 1 comments are synonymous

Purple Rain

July 28th, 2010
9:51 am

Kym, I had a wonderful Bday, thank you for the belated wishes :) Have you remained friends with “ex’s” while currently in a serious relationship?

Lucinda

July 28th, 2010
9:52 am

@PR True true.