Mornin’ y’all ….what it do, DK…saw your shout out on Friday…

How do I know if a chic is good for me? umm, lemme see, I think it’s in Proverbs 31…that virtuous woman! Yeah, that’s it…That’s the gal mama and nem said is good for me…now, the gal that’s good to me, is the one who makes me feel good; But you know what they say about the “flesh”….

“When do you figure out they are the marrying type vs. the dating type?”
When she does things by instinct, as opposed to being told/persuaded to do something..I can tell by her conversation and demeanor if she’s a keeper….

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First!

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Good FOR me:

Depth of character
Emotionally and financially stable
Kind and courteous
Gentleman
Considerate
Understands– and demonstrates –that two together is stronger than two individuals, and more important
Family oriented
Mature
Does not need “fixing”
Respectful towards me
Values my input and perspective
Sexual relationship works for us both
Does not drink/drug/porn/gamble/etc excessively

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For us men, it’s just a natural instinct… When we see “her” we just know… there’s no figuring, wondering, an no guessing. When we see “her” there’s no games, no disappearing acts, no need to persuade her. All the other women with their “self-important, dramatic little issues,” and games that we’re currently dealing with when we meet “her” at that point becomes small and petty (they all just to fade to black).
Good Morning MIA Blog Fam

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Good morning! Like your post, MikeP. You’re absolutely correct, they all just fade to black when you’re with the right one.

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Men know right off the bat if a woman is married material, just like when a woman knows on the first date, if she’s going to sleep with you.

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The ones a man would marry vs. the ones he’d merely spend time with are the ones he’d like to keep vs. the ones he doesn’t care about that much. The rationale will vary per person.

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Monday…

“I’ve always heard that men know almost immediately which category they will put a woman in. What’s their secret?! (Seriously guys, spill it).”

I think guys qualify a woman by her attitude. Its all about her level of cooperation, how cool is she, and can you grow with her and from her.

I think I know when someone is good for me because if I feel stressfree and balanced.

What I pay attention to the most is their consistency level. Like @Mike P said, no disappearing act. Guys are logical so it would be logical if you are interested to stick around. Also your actions should match up with your words.

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We as men know that there is the marrying type and then theirs the sexual booty type. The marrying type is the one that you can open up to and tell your deepest filling too. Also the one you can take home to Mom and your Mom can understand why you brought her home for her to meet. Then theirs the booty call, you only want to get up when her when it’s right for you. You will never take her to meet your Mom, because Moms know right when you bring her into the door that she is not the right one.

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Tell your deepest filling too? That’s pretty funny.

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Hola!

As you all know, I let my head lead so I can tell what is good for me. Logic and common sense kicks in and I can tell if that person is for me. For some reason, I think we all try to make this “magical” relationship potion. Deep down inside I don’t think that is the way to go, if you are chilling with someone, and s/he keeps their word and you have fun with them…that is cool. Once you try to add a timeline and the secret receipe you lose yourself and the relationship.

@Slim I like your question on that 8:33 I hope the gents answer.

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His name is Sexual Chocolate…

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Can somebody please explain how a person can be “GOOD” to but not be “GOOD” for you?

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DD – yeah, i’m still waiting for a response….crickets…crickets

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Sexual Chocolate aka Randy Watson. “THAT boy can SANG!”

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Slim — See my 9:43 & replace all the “she’s” with “he’s” — that’s a good start…

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@Slim, I don’t think we will get an answer to that one. Maybe Melo will bite if he come on today.

@blue on your 9:20 that is funny I have heard men say this as well. The funny thing is I had one tell me this a few weeks ago while he was drinking it was funny as hell. Oh yea, I have a good friend that said she knew as well, but I don’t want to count her since they are divorced now.

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I’m with Kimmie on this one. If yall old folks can’t recognize a keeper by now then there is no helping you.

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whats good for me is a woman that can and will cook at least 3times a week. if she does that i will give my life trying to please her and our family.

hey Leggs!

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For Real – I didn’t include “Marriage” as a deciding factor but I feels ya. Now turn your head to the right and cough please.

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@mark, do you know how to cook? Do you currently eat most of your meals out?

@Kimmie and C tha 1…I agree on if you cannot recognize what is good for you by now. However we must remember folks talk a good game, but there are a lot of errors being made in the dating world. So hopefully our novices will learn a thing or two today.

@swiss on your 9:56…does this happens after you guys reach a certain point in life i.e. career success, buy a home, become more stable?

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Cough, Cough, Cough, Cough, Cough, Cough,
(For Real is now 44 coughs away from a nice azz nap)
Cough, Cough, Cough

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Dirty D — Everyone is different… But for me, it was less about where I was in my life & more about meeting someone that I simply never wanted to let go of…

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maybe put it this way. good to you vs. good for you, more like comparing how you feel about him in the moment v. the total effect he has on your life. if the moment makes you feel warm and fuzzy, but the total effect is disaster, he was good to you for the moment, but is not good for you.
maybe im not as awake as i thought, sooo not a morning person. that make more sense?

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On that note, I think the whole “not ready to marry” thing is just a nicer way of saying he/she is not ready to marry you…

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“i.e. career success, buy a home, become more stable” – I never looked a those as a conditions that concerns women. Those are personal goals which I achieved with or without a woman. I think it depends on the dude and what he wants from a chick (i.e. wife, kids or a family)

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For Real — Inception was pretty bad-a$$… The plot, to me, seemed a bit contrived, but everything else — cinematography, special effects, music — was outstanding…

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Or….that he’s married.

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“makes you feel warm and fuzzy, but the total effect is disaster” – So, the total effect of feeling warm and fuzzy is a disaster? Naw, that’s not making any sense either.

For Real now passing Blue some coffee and no dose.

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Sexy – good example.
Slim – agreed. women (or i should say not all women) see everything in terms of whether or not the sex is good. we do consider other things lol

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@Swiss thanks! I gotcha, and it makes sense.

BTW, where is Randyt I guess he married/shacked up with the lady at the drive thru?

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IDK – You’re a nutcase. I still love you, BooBoo.

Toucan – Whassup in NoFlo?

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and this mornings quote shall be
Anyone who says “Easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried it.
Author Unknown

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SexyCool 10:31 am. Exactly. Excellent example.

And I’m sticking with my keep in platonic for a long while if you wannt really know what you loooking at. At least for me, a good hard man can really mess with my judgment. Been there, done that. Now wanting/needing/having something much much better. Love

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Melo,

Thanks for that 10:42 you have to align with the other person, and buying gifts and eating a crab leg doesn’t mean jack!

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Melo/For Real – I agree with the subjectivity of the example.

And as to ” if one believes married people and kingpins are off limit how do they not know those critical facts?” This just in………..PEOPLE LIE ABOUT SHT SOMETIMES.

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Run4/Slim/Blue/Leggs: All have defined “Good to You” as sex. So, blog ladies does “Good to You” mean sex?

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“This just in………..PEOPLE LIE ABOUT SHT SOMETIMES.” – Then a liar cannot be “Good to You” or “Good for You”.

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i’m swiss – that would be a NEGATIVE. lol

“If want long term why deal with short term?’

@For Real – my point exactly…however, you can get pulled into the feel good of the moment to keep holding on to the short-term even when you rather long term. What’s that saying, GOod D is hard to find lol Plus let’s face it, we often times do meet folks who we love to hang out with, have a good time with but they have already let it be known from jump street that they don’t want anything serious…for whatever reason, those be the ones we find ourselves attracted to. Psychological thing? Probably…or is it that you tend to have more fun once the PRESSURES that we put on ourselves are taken out of the equation i.e not seeking a long term situation??? Things that make you go Hmmm…

Oh and For Real, you need to go down a little further…you’re blowing air in my belly button

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@Lucinda – yes indeedy, introducing sex too early will cloud judgment. gota see the whole person, not just how loudly they can make you scream
@For Real – agreed Good is subjective. hence me saying earlier “not sure there is a recipe for that one, think it may vary person to person”. someone out there may like the drug kingpin, may even have that lifestyle as a requirement, but definietly will not work for everybody. and i betcha even that womans friends will see her diamonds and whatever else and say “d@mn, he sure is good to you”. but when they find out what he does will be going “girl, run as fast as your legs can carry you”. well most friends anyway, maybe she has friends who like that sort of thing too….hmmmm

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@For Real – when did i define it as good sex? coulda sworn i specifically said most women are looking for more than that. but we are human, sex can cloud judgement, does not mean thats the only thing we use to judge.
@swiss – never found a mojito i really liked. whats so cool about that one?

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@ForReal ~ I thought in terms of sex because if he’s good FOR me, my mind, body and soul is being touched. Meaning, I can simply come to him cuz I need a sounding board and he would listen to me with attentive ears (we know when this is truly being done), may even offer to help me solve the problem. If he’s just good TO me, then my body desires are being fulfilled, but that’s about it.

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ARed — Well, look at it this way… At least they found the critters in alcohol — so, it’s sort of self-sanitizing…

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DK: Imma have to check Unthinkable out. I like off beat movies. Here is one you might like Edmond starring William H. Macy and Bokeem Wooodbine. It’s wild too.

Slim: Short term/long term is not relevant. The issue is how you define “Good”. A dude can be “Good to You” and “Good for You” for a short term. Seems to me you defining “Good for You” as long term and I don’t see any difference in chicks defining “Good for You” as marriage. And you are correct, when you remove future consideration (i.e. marriage/long term relationship) from the present you can be yourself and enjoy the present.

“Oh and For Real, you need to go down a little further…you’re blowing air in my belly button” – Hush up now, I likes to take my time.

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On that note, I think the whole “not ready to marry” thing is just a nicer way of saying he/she is not ready to marry you…

Been there, done that, got the t-shirts! I’m not really talking about someone you’ve dealt with personally. I’m talking about a handful of outstanding guys that I know of that are “emotionally unavailable”. Maybe one day they will be but not right now.

A lot of this “finding the one” stuff I believe has a lot to do with luck. Now there are a lot of things you can do to improve your own personal odds. But I still believe you have to meet that right person at the right time, when you both are ready to do what it takes to make the relationship work, whatever kind of relationship it is you want. If you want marriage, you have to find one that is like-mined and ready and ready for YOU. If you want a long-term shack situation, say that upfront and the other needs to want the same and not be trying to make you want something you don’t. I see folks every day do all the supposedly “wrong” things and they get married. I say married because marriage is my goal and a lot of others, not folks like 4Real.

Sometimes the stars just gotta be lined up right.

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swiss – She might have had on one of those exercise suits that supposedly sweat off water weight.

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kimmie — Maybe… But this chick was already slim & fine as hell… No need for her to be doing any extra sweating on a day like yesterday….

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swiss – She might have had on one of those exercise suits that supposedly sweat off water weight.
Or she was out of her damn mind. lol

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Good Morning

I think you have to know your own worth so that you don’t have a distorted view of which is which, good to you or good for you. I would think ultimately a seemless blend of the two would be ideal. I was actually talking to my homegirl about a similar topic this weekend.

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@ForReal ~ if he touches everything that needs touching then he’s good FOR me. I see how my statement reads. Sure, 2 out of the 3 can be touched which enables me to even want to bed him, but there’s something beyond that Good “FOR” me that encompasses much more than just sex.

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For Real – one of my homeboys and I were talking last weekend about PRESSURES we all put on ourselves, whether it’s to be a parent, married by a certain age, have a certain career, live a certain lifestyle…whatever the case maybe…We were talking about WHY do folks place so much pressure on themselves, especially when it really comes from people around us. i.e Yo mama always stressing how she wants grandkids, or yo homeboy stressing you about you hittin dat young tender yet…yo girl tombout you need to go out and get the 2018 BMW because so and so’s bf already has a pre-order for the 2017 bmw…or yo son tombout he needs you to stand in line all night for the Madden 2011..etc. We basically were discussing getting into doing what it is WE want/like to do and living in the moment enjoying the journey and not what someone else has outlined for us to do/accomplish. I suppose we all do certain things to please other people for a level of acceptance. But what do I know?

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“She couldda been muslim? or Had the Micheal Jackson thang. or Didn’t shave her legs or armspits”

For Real — Actually, you could be on to something w/ the Muslim speculation… She was also wearing a cap — not the traditional head covering (not sure what it’s called) — but maybe that still counts? Would be a shame, if so, ‘cos this chick was FINE…. So fine, in fact, that it wouldn’t even matter if she had Mo’nique’s leg/armpit regimen…

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@i’m swiss™

maybe she’s trying to lose lost of weight by perspiring a lot in that heat!

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But I still believe you have to meet that right person at the right time, when you both are ready to do what it takes to make the relationship work, whatever kind of relationship it is you want. If you want marriage, you have to find one that is like-mined and ready and ready for YOU.

kimmie – You are so right. I personally don’t know how much of the “timing” excuse I can take. You try to be patient, but it just comes back to bite you in the end.

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Talking about why folks put pressure on themselves or allow others to pressure them to achieve certain things. Why folks don’t “live in the moment” enough and just enjoy themselves.

That live in the moment stuff sounds good in theory. I think everyone needs a healthy dose of that. But it comes a time when you either gonna do the dang thing or you’re not. You can chill and lay back and wake up 10 years later with nothing accomplished but a good time. Life moves on and waits for no one.

As for trying to please others & worrying about what other folk say or are doing – either you already have it in you not to care or you come into over time and maturity.

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Amred – I feel ya!

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Dirty D — C’mon, now… You should take that as a compliment… If you weren’t rockin’ it w/ your fine, cougarific self, you wouldn’t be attracting the young bucks like that…

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And besides, Dirty D, your pu$$y didn’t look a day over 23…

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Diana – I used to try my hand at caramel cakes, but not anymore. They are just too unpredictable! Literally, the humidity and weather, etc, have to be just right! That icing is no joke. Sometimes it will separate and other times it comes out hard like candy. I gave up.

If you want to pretend, I think Cakes by Coco makes a good one and Piece of Cake too.

Hope that helps!

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@Jada I knew he was the one when I let him go and he came back.

When did you know he was the one, when you let him go or when you had to deal with alot of knuckle heads men out there, that only wnated one thing. You kind of knew he was the one before all this happen, but it took a few knuckle head men for you to relaize that and when he came back, then what changed in him or you.

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Hi all,

Took another one of those “you want me WHERE, and WHEN????” trips. Geez I am tired. Nope Diane, as hard as it was, I did not get with “Toothless” (or the sheep). I think I need to hook up with a flight attendant on the runs to England, France, and Sotland, because on a plane is where I spend most of my life it seems.

On topic…I struggle with this one. Truthfully, I think most guys have had their better judgement “somewhat impaired” when the blood flow to the lower anatomy restricts the blood flow to the brain (both of my hands are up for sure). It is really easy to ignore the warning signs, i.e. lack of respectful attitude, genuine heart, etc., when caught up in the passion of the moment. I try to drop someone as quickly as possible (first coupile of dates) before my judgement gets too clouded. Unfortunately, sometimes the magic works, some times it doesn’t. That’s when my friends get to say, “we tried to tell you but you weren’tlistening”…ummm yep, guess they did.

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@ Kimmie/Dirty Diana, you aint lying about those caramel cakes. My grandmother was the only person i knew who could get it just right every time. I was young when she passed so I hadn’t yet inquired as to what her secret was.

I’m getting ready to attempt an orange chiffon cake in the near future.

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@Kimmie thanks! That helps a lot. The funny thing is I was reading some receipes, and most of the people talked about the carmel icing. One lady mentioned she made the cake four times and followed the directions and each time the carmel icing did its own thing.

The funny thing is my grandmother made it look easy all of those years. I miss her

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@Kimmie Speechless!!!!

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@Swiss, you are a hot mess with that one…Lol. I just pictured his head on a 7 lb baby…LOL I guess he was pretty long maybe 40′inches at birth.

I’m pretty sure Lebron came out of his mama’s cooter looking 35…

@PK let me know how your orange chiffon cake turns out. I used to work with a guy that made a great one!

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chocolate – Thanks for the compliment, that I rendered you speechless!

Walking around just wanting a ring and not the commitment that goes with it just doesn’t make sense to me.

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@Swiss you are so wrong, but that is how the pic in my head went.

Dirty D and others who’ve felt that “they werent’ there” can you please explain this to me?

@Ared when I say I wasn’t ~there~ I mean I was not ready to receive and be with him on the level he wanted the relationship to be on. There were a few times in my life that I was not capable of giving what my partner needed. As Chrisette Michele say, “blame it on me.” Of course I am taking the lyrics out of context, but I wasn’t ready. For example, I dated my ex for two years and we had plans to get married when I finished college (he was out of school, I was the one wanting to wait until I finished). My dad died while I was in college, at that point I could not concentrate on us I had to learn to live and survive without my daddy…things changed, and I wanted to do it by myself.

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Walking around just wanting a ring and not the commitment that goes with it just doesn’t make sense to me.

It sounds like the package “The Basketball Wives” received…the 5.3 carat ring, and he gets all the groupies etc., because after all she asked for a ring not a commitment

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This article mentions 1 out of 4 married couples sleep in separate beds like my grandparents. Married folks,lurkers, etc. do you all agree???

http://www.today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38410209/ns/today-the_new_york_times?GT1=43001

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@Ared that is it your emotions are all over the place, and for me I felt like I was holding him back because he was a good man. Plus I was in an unknow territory I didn’t know how long it would take me to get myself together. I just knew he deserved more, and I felt like I was being selfish holding on to him. He felt like I was being selfish for not leaning on him during that time. After growing up and being a little more wiser…he was right.

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Dirty D — Not on a regular basis for me & the Mrs., but every now & then. Mrs. Swiss is a really light sleeper & if I’m congested (allergies or cold), I tend to snore… So, after about the 2nd time she kicks me, I’ll get up & move to another bed… Better that than have a tired & pi$$ed off Mrs. Swiss on my hands the next day…

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@ARed…it is the truth, and it is not “game,” amd I remember crying myself to sleep wishing things were different. At the end of the day, I thought I was making the right decision. I guess I didn’t know how to be honest with my feelings and relinquish a little of my burdens to him. Yep I need to go get him…LOL

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I dont know about other guys out there but I do know that there are chics that are good to be around and date,morally upright to a degree maintain a clean house etc but that may not qualify for me to marry them……..or them to marry me.

Then again,remember,marriage is not really ALL about you having All the right ingredients/characteristics.You can have ALL of them and still not get married.

melo – I’m about to put a $20 in your collection plate. You’re preaching the word right now.

I guess it boils down to you can have the right ingredients/ characteristics and still not get married. But I wonder if that’s true or if it’s just a line to get out of telling the other person the truth about why you really don’t want to marry them.

But yes, I can say “yes” to all of your above. The only difference is the fear the man has about going the distance. The guys I date have parents who’ve been married for decades, but know their dad stepped out or something else going on. When you meet a woman who lets you know you can’t get away with such stuff, you start to wonder if you can live up to the standards she’s set.

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Sex C – Yes that was part of realizing that he was the real deal – he did not sweat me for sex and he was man and comfortable enough with himself to back up and let me have some necessary experiences. It was was one of the most selfless gesture towards me since I started dating. What changed for me was realzing that he was different and that his feelings were beyond the physical, I knew he wanted me to be happy. What changed for me was realizing that I never wanted him to leave again.

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The dilemma is how many “stars” have to align for a relationship to work. A few are:

1) Timing (sorry “Toothless” and most of my relationships since my divorce)
2) Chemistry (sorry “Toothless”)
3) Compatability (both sides in every relationship)
4) Not carrying ‘Baggage’ (this one is hard to determine early)
5) Mutual goals
6) Trust

Putting these together at the same time is realllllly tough.

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Not carrying ‘Baggage’ (this one is hard to determine early)

^^ that made me start humming Erykah Badu “bag lady” powerful words in that song.

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sometimes all your emotions are tied up in dealing with other things the last thing you can do is make caring for someone else your priority.
ARed This pretty much sums up one of my most recent experiences. She didn’t like it, and she said she wanted to be there for me. As much as I appreciated the gesture, I couldn’t invite her into a tumultuous situation. What I was dealing with was time/emotionally/financially exhaustive, and I knew I couldn’t divide the time between that situation and a relationship. She deserved way more than that from me.

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I’d wake up to find he had slipped in the bed with me at some point during the night. Sort of made it hard to be mad after that.

That’s sweet….

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Sort of made it hard to be mad after that.

@Slim??

thats being Good to you!! knowing when,during the nite,when u need a lil dose of mojito pipe juice!

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@ARed, that is a good question for DreamsM. May I add, will he seek her out once he is done with his matter?

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this blog is for frustrated black women to unburden themselves.

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Kent, and you fit that mold well. You are pie.

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@Ared all I hear….crickets…crickets

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@PK, there is something called self management as it relates to careers, let your coworker figure it out. If s/he ask you about “moving up” tell her, otherwise let it go.

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“Everyone says when you find “the one” you do what you gotta do to keep em around.” – Or you turn them loose for their own good. You may not know this about me but I don’t want to be married and when I meet a woman that’s material I give her that spill early on because I don’t want to be the source of her hurt. Yeah I know it hurts but I’m sure it will hurt much more 2yrs down the road. Look at that he is trying to do the honorable thing by you.

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Marriage is about the Luck of the draw!

Melo, this is what I was saying earlier – you need a little luck sometimes!

You said some good things in that post!

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I do the best I can. And try to treat someone how I’d want to be treated, if it were happening to me. I just want to be there by his side, but you can’t force it

I thought the same thing, until it happened to me however, i will also say it depends on the stage you are in, in the relationship, as well as the stage you are in, in your life. I feel like the older i get the more I learn balance and to communicate with the people around me about what’s goin on and not wait til it explodes. Prime example, single parenthood, my daughter is my responsibility and I do what needs to be done but sometimes it gets to a point that I’m just so overwhelmed but If I don’t speak up and explain its just a bad situation.

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Sexxxy Cool, what up, Ma…..Cain’t even describe how hot it is down here…..

Hey Mo!

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I do not alienate myself from those events held during the work day.

@Princess??

he can guarantee himself upward mobility by working hard and going the extra mile and not attending co-worker birfdays,retirement events etc.

Interracting with other “meaningful” pple within his line of business can actually happen when he is doing something productive for the company and getting “extra work” from other movers/managers,not necessarily his boss…

Uall gossips/small talks in the conference rooms and break rooms aint necessarily shyyt all all that!

I dont care for them either!

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Dirty D,

It is just so frustrating though! Part of it has to do with the hubby, you know i work in a predominately male environment, and she is my front desk person, so of course she has to have contact with men. If he is not comfortable with her interacting then he should say honey why don’t you just stay home, i got you. I mean she NEVER attends unless deemed Mandatory or its Women Only and that’s rare when 7/100 employees are women

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Melo, I’m not talking about conference room gatherings etc, (I’m not one for sit-ins with “the street committee” myself)

Prime example we have a MAJOR annual luncheon coming up next week, in which employee of the year, supervisor of the year etc….. are acknowledged and she has already said she will not be attending and wanted to know could she just do something else while we were gone.

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“melo – take the dunce cap off your wang this ONE time” – priceless.
@Slim – nice story, sweet despite melo, lol

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Princess – I used to work with someone like that at another job. She was brilliant, used to build the best databases around, once built them for the Navy. But she was anti-social as all get out but used to sit in her little corner cubicle and get mad whenever someone else would get promoted or noticed for things. She was very tall and attractive, but walked around with a scowl on her face all the time. The only time she would smile is when I would joke with her.

We had the same boss and he would take plan nice luncheons for management for Christmas & other occasions. She would not attend. She tried to play the race card all the time as well. Even though it was a “good ole boy” culture there, everything was not about race, just getting the work done. She thought any social interaction at all was “brownnosing”.

You have to know how to play the game. You can build your professional network without kissing behind. I tried to tell her, but to no avail. Can’t help some people.

Oh well.

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i am blessed that he sees and understands my tendencies and works WITH me instead of just saying “ok. good luck!”. does that make sense?

Yes it does. But you’re the one who is letting him in. I wasn’t trying to say “ok, good luck” either. But I can’t make someone let me in.

And if I can…I’m open to suggestions.

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Maybe standing outside his window singing “You’re gonna love me” will work.

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czBrat – you sound just like the dude i’m dating…when he get’s in a funk he 100% goes into his own little world. I’ve been ‘understanding’ but it ain’t easy because i’m a communicator by nature. I have a hard time not talking about things or expressing if something bothers me. So when a SO is in a funk I want to know what’s wrong, if there is anything I can do or at least want to cheer them up. He said the same thing about, when he is stressed he just choses not to be around folks not to ruin their spirit with his humdrum attitude.

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Melo,

also the situation is deeper than just not being participatory, but that is just the most obvious………………….

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ARED

ROTFL, you better stop it!

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Melo – I get what you’re saying, but a lot of times you get passed over for stuff because nobody “sees” you. I had to learn this the hard way. I thought plugging away at my desk at the computer, working hard, was enough. It wasn’t. I had to learn to play the game.

I’ve seen people sacrafice everything, including their health or their family time, plugging away at their desk, and not get recognized. It’s said, but that’s business.

When you reach a certain level, to reach a certain level, at least a little networking is in order. If not, just to prove you’re a team player – never participating in team activities, for example. You have a right, you don’t “have” to, but unless you’re satisfied right where you are, may not be a good idea, especially depending on the corporate culture where you work.

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@Slim – when he get’s in a funk he 100% goes into his own little world. sounds like mr.blue too. he calls it his bubble. he says partly its like you said, not wanting to burden anyone with his attitude, but at the same time isnt ready to be cheered up (sounds weird to me) it can be maddening, because even tho they arent intentionaly ignoring you thats how it feels. like they are ignoring you and your efforts to help them.

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I’ve been out of the country so fill me in…what ever happened to that dude and the horses?

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If u talk back live, like u do on the blog..maybe u need to simmer that down! If u dont,cool….

melo – Don’t worry about that. I’m much more submissive in my relationships. I’ve never been on that “I can do it all on my own” crap.

While I am never shy about saying how I feel about things, I am very cognizant of how I do so in the workplace and relationships. I don’t fight dirty either.

But thanks.

As for the 2nd one…I guess I’ll never know….

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especially if you’re in your 30’s that you should be able to communicate what’s wrong with you to a partner.

Slim – In my case, he was good at communicating. And he communicated that he’d rather walk this walk on his own, even with someone willing to hold his hand through it.

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@Slim – yeah, tried that one too. i think sometimes part of it is just stubborness, he wants to break the funk himself, in his own time, doesnt want any help cause then its like he cant do it himself. only thing is, then when im in a funk, he try my techniques with me, as if im supposed to lean on your shoulder. admitedly, may seem childish, but if you see no need or have no desire to lean on me, i tend to feel the same. makes things a little tense at times lol

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like they are ignoring you and your efforts to help them.
blue, slim A lot of times guys don’t want you to help us with our problem. Usually, we’d rather you not even know what the problem is. Usually, it’s more than enough if you just sit by me on the couch and let me hold you real close so I can feel your warmth, smell that scent that is uniquely yours, take in the essence of you, knowing that no matter what is going on with me I have someone so wonderful in love with me.

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Amred – I had a guy to break it off with me once because he said we had not “been thru” enough trials and tribulations together. Everything was just TOO happy and perfect. Sure we’d had our share of fights and disagreements like any other couple. But I guess not enough DRAMA had taken place. I told him sit still enough and LIFE will give you enough trials to handle, but he went on.

At least that was the reason he gave me. SMH

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stuff because nobody “sees” you

@Kimmie??

stop right there!

u can make urself visible by being productive outside of ur immediate line of duty/confines. U can make ursself visible,if u are a hard worker by taking on assignments from other departments or heads..u do a good job with them,word goes round.

U can make urself visible by being good at what u do and being approacheable and easy or willing to help other folks outside of ur own zone.

I have had pple ask me to help by showing them how to do something..even when i didnt know their first name,other than knowing that they work for the compnay and i see them on the regular…they say “’so and so told me u good at this” …now if they pass me over for some position for which im qualified and choose some other jokker..thats on them.

I am not all for fratenizing just so i can look visible and a favorite and good in other pples eyes so i can land a promo…if at all, i wanna have as much cross departmental experience i can get so if they pass me over,im really good somewhere else with that experience.

I can take that.

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Slim: I think Gemini’s are like that by nature. I have to have so one-on-one time with myself. Especially when I got ish to work thru. All that can I help and what’s wrong tend to get on my nerves so I just step away until I’m good. And I can stand chick that like to hoover when I’m sick.

Chick: (in a soft caring voice) For Real are feeling okay?

For Real: (in Rick James voice and no I don’t know why I talk like Rick James when I’m sick) Bytch naw i’m sick!!!

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even tho they arent intentionaly ignoring you thats how it feels.

@Slim…

if hes in a funk,just leave him alone…

Im like that sometimes.

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Melo – I agree and whatever works for you, at your company, within your corporate culture. Depending on your job, you may not have an opportunity to work on projects outside of yuor area. I’ve done what you have done and sometimes it worked, a lot of times it didn’t make much of a difference. Just communicating MY experience and what I’ve observed over the years.

A lot of times WE segregate OURSELVES, if you know what I mean. And all the while the big decisions are being made on the golf course, and WE were invited to join the others for the outing, but didn’t because we didn’t want to brownnose. It wouldn’t have been brownnosing, just smart networking!

I just don’t like to see US fall in that trap.

I don’t like that brownnosing, that “teacher’s pet” thing either, in fact I joke with my boss about it all the time. But, I work hard AND get my name out there because I’m visible enough.

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LOL @ Leggs re: “Only to find herself wide-eyed w/disbelief when the dinner table is set for one!”

One thing I have learned is if a woman tells you she does not love you, BELIEVE HER. If she says she does love you, Wait and see if it is just temporary insanity BEFORE BUYING IT!!!

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melo – The recent one. But the old ones have said the same thing.

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Dreams – I could totally be fine with just being next to you when you’re in a funk but with ole boy he totally keeps to himself. And it’s funny that you mentioned our scent…because he is always smelling me

czBrat – Patient is definitely been what I’ve had to be. I told him the other day that I assume you’re in one of your moods or whatever, but that I’ll be here when you come out on the other side. But he did tell me recently that his “I miss you days are far more than my I don’t care days” lol

For Real – he’s a sagittarius but I am a Gemini and was feeling like I needed time with myself this past weekend…especiall Friday. But as I’m leaving out of the parking lot at 5, I get a call from someone close to me asking what my plans were for the night. I was immediately a little irritated because 1 – Dayum can I even leave the parking lot, unwind from the day before you trying to find out what ‘the deal is’ for later…and 2ndly, I am broke as a joke. For some reason, some folks think when you say your funds are low that, it merely means the difference in Going to a club VIP style versus waiting in line but still paying $80 for the night (admission, parking, drinks, waffle house later) Broke doesn’t mean Applebee’s versus Chilli’s…it means I need to sit my azz at home and eat a sammich or some Ramen Noodles.
Also, when I need my space and chose to be in my room, I don’t need you asking me why i’m not sitting in the living room with you watching tv, or need a hug or am depressed….I just need ME time!

btw, I find your Rick James voice kinda sexy. Tell me again BYTCH YOU CRAZY….oooooohhhh that just does something to me.

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melo – I have left him alone.

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“melo – The recent one. But the old ones have said the same thing.”

ARed ~ sounds like you love hard and fast.

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Leggs – It’s been a year.

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Leggs: “I thought you would state many more women are wanting to marry. Wow, those women deserve to be stung because you were upfront from the get go.” – Every woman I have ever met I could see myself being with. I have been really lucky but they usually come into the relationship saying they don’t want marriage but 3 months in they will start up with some small innuendoes and I gently remind them of Section 3 of our agreement:

Section 3 Marriage:

For Real does NOT in no way whatsoever want to be married. Nowithstanding Jesus coming down with a powerpoint presentation and answering these three (3) questions Why?, Why? and Why? is there anything that said Chick can do for or to For Real in any manner to change his mind. The forgoing does in no way preclude the said Chick from trying to change For Real mind as such action by said Chick will be received with great appreciation only from For Real.

Section 4 Payment: This section has been excluded from this agreement.

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I think it’s funny but somehow apropos that the blog should interpret ‘good to you’ in physical and sexual terms, and ‘good for you’ as in someone who would actually treat you well, i.e., be ‘good to you’.

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melo – Good points. He’s been married before. And that’s part of the problem, fear of making that leap only for it to end badly again in divorce. He thought he was ready to take that leap again, but there were circumstances (that had nothing to do with me) that made him pull back again.

But you’re right… as I’m not desperate to marry, I’ve been more than willing to “see how things go.” They just don’t go the way I want it to ultimately. So there will be some changes in approach made.

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@abc I thought thw same. Confusing.

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LOL @ Slim 3:15. but *sigh* coz sometimes folks just don’t GET IT!

ditto ARed on that sag analysis. both my parents were sag and i’m a stinger. being the last one at home, i grew up in an environment where everybody cherished their personal space. i’m well accustomed to me, myself & i. i think s/o & i have found a nice balance though, because i deeply, truly, fully enjoy my time with him. and he has learned to do something constructive with his time in exile.

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and he has learned to do something constructive with his time in exile

And LMAO @ “Jeep”

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Yes, agree, just the wording…don’t play wife, play girlfriend until you’re the wife!

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@Melo ~ some women play the “wife” role so well only to find themselves alone when the relationship is over w/o much of a ground to stand on because they thought they were “wifey” material without a license.

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4Real – You are the only man I know of that has made that No Marriage pledge and not only told women upfront but held to it.

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some women play the “wife” role so well only to find themselves

@Leggs??

and those are the casualties of dating. We dont all “win”

U cannot be blamed for being a “good” girlfriend.

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That’s my point, Melo. Call me “girlfriend” not “wifey.”

More casualties of dating come about when you don’t know your role!

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For Real — I do believe that’s the first time I’ve ever heard the phrase “jazz legend” and Kenny G in the same sentence. That was sarcastic, right?

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Kimmie: No I am not the only one dude that has made that pledge. There is an organization called NWAGM (Naw We Ain’t Getting Marriage)

Ared: Does he have kids?

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For Real – No kids. Don’t tend to date guys with em.

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@Ared I think melo was saying show that you can be a good wife even in your girlfriend role. Melo is saying don’t snoop in his dressers and check his cell phone, or eat a bag of funyuns before you go to bed

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Dirty D – He’s having that discussion with Leggs now, not me. I got what he was saying.

But good thing I didn’t do any of that stuff anyway!

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@For Real ~ that’s why I said “Ut Oh” with your post of jazz legends and KennyG!!!!

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Kimmie: 2011 awwwww dayum that means I will have to find another show or spend Sundays with a chick.

“Half the dudes I know make the pledge. Most break it, all I’m saying.” – Cocain is a helluva drug

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spend Sundays with a chick.

4Real – Won’t that be misleading?

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I wanna know how guys like 4Real are still dating. If a guy told me that he is not interested in a one to one relationship, and I know that I am. Then I am gonna bounce.

Disclaimer: I fell for this once and he kept to his original statement. And after not sharing New Year’s Eve with him, I knew I was done. So that is how I know to keep it moving for guys like this.

But, this same guy and I are having dinner this Friday since he is coming back to town for a conference. It will be interesting to see if he has the same ideals. I know that I am definitely not interested anymore. I have since moved on from him.

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‘Sagittarians are the most independent sign in the zodiac. You ain’t met someone good with being alone until you meet a Sag.’

ARed – you are definitely right about that. He already told me he was a loner. lol

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For Real – Okay, if you are really abc what the answer to this question: Do woman lie?

ABC – Women lie as a natural way of life and I hates me some Kenny G. Do I pass?

Now that’s the funniest thing I’ve read today….back from vacay

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“Women lie as a natural way of life and I hates me some Kenny G.” – The pretentious uptight prick is bad!!!!

Swiss is now riding around blogsville on his Green Machine ringing his bell while screaming at the top of his lungs… THE PRICK IS BACK…. THE PRICK IS BACK!!!

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@SlimOne ~ remember, being alone doesn’t mean he’s lonely. The solitude, peace and quiet is quite intoxicating…

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I fell for this once and he kept to his original statement.

Run4 – This is why guys like For Real are still dating. There is always a woman out there willing to see if he’ll stick to his guns or not. I’ve fallen for it too. Ironically, none of those guys are actually married, but I still think it’s a matter of time!

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If hes showing enough concern for ur well being and going the extra mile in doing stuff for u even at the expense of his own pleasure/comfort,without u remonstrating with him to do it….

Yeah, now I’ve lost my trash taker outter, my bug killer, my handy man and 6 am airport chauffer.

This bites!

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Melo – Cool. I was just curious and you said what I thought. In the past, I’ve been told not to expect any of that because we weren’t married. Fortunately I don’t have that problem with this one.

I know what Leggs was talking about too. There is a fine line between being the “good girlfriend” and doing “too much”, being a psuedo wife.

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@ARed ~ which one of those lost ones you were dating a few months ago?

Huh? It’s been the same guy for a year.

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@ARED don’t be fooled (you are smart,so this really don’t apply) by all this talk about marriage is just paper or a certificate. Money is just paper, but we all chase it every week for the security it brings. Marriage brings security, I can make decisions and sign off on certain documents. I will not have it any other way…give me the marriage paper the same way you give me my check!

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‘remember, being alone doesn’t mean he’s lonely’

Leggs – Yeah I know…he claimed that he is a loner which isn’t necessarily synonymous with loner.

A dude I used to date some years ago recently sent me a fb friend request…which blew me totally off guard…especially being that he met and impregnated his later-wife on a visit in town staying at my crib. They are separated, him up north and she moved back to ATL, awaiting a divorce. I suppose he got married to her since she got pregnant but i felt it all went too fast to begin with.

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I will not have it any other way…give me the marriage paper the same way you give me my check!

DD – Ha ha. Right.

I’ve been guilty of not putting pressure tho. Just enjoying each other, and seeing where it leads. I’m going to start being one of those “you better put a ring on it!” whiny women now.

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Honesty goes a long way, but it’s not enough for me. I have to break it off cold when a dude makes that declaration up front. I made the mistake of hanging around when a dude said he didn’t want anything serious. In the meantime, I allowed him to fool me, because his actions said otherwise. He acted like a full on boyfriend, even getting jealous of other dudes that talked to me. Here I am the whole time thinking he had changed his mind and was getting serious. After a year, he pulled out the disclaimer card.

Naw, I cut it off cold. I can’t halfa–.

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Kimmie: “spend Sundays with a chick. 4Real – Won’t that be misleading?” – I got tricked on that once before. I had no idea the day of the week you spend time or go out with a chick had so much meaning. Where do yall get this ish from and why werent men given the same rule book”

Ared: “Maybe he’ll get hit with the thunderbolt one day.” –

Chick: For Real I got you now. You can’t wordsmith your way out of marrying me this time. I got your passport… both of them… it took me 6yrs to realize you and Jeep are the same person but that’s the past Preacher commence the ceremony!!

Preacher: Do you Hezekiah Bathsheba Jankens take

For Real: Oh sweet, sweet baby Jesus pleas…..

Hezekiah: Shuch-up now ain’t no use of pray now!! Go on Preacher

Preacher: Ummm Do you Hezekiah Bathsheba Jankens take For Real to be lawfully wedded husband?

Hezekiah: Dayum Skippy!!!

Preacher: And do you Fa….

(Maybe he’ll get hit with the thunderbolt one day)

For Real: (with his last breath whisper to Hezekiah) Gotcha Bytch!

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For Real… how long were you married?

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Leggs – Don’t I dare what?

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as far as that im not getting married thing, yeah their honest, but d@mn when you’ve decided not to waste time with that since you know you do want marriage, and yuo were thinking about marrying them but oh well. you move on, do your thing, fast forward to when youve gotten married and d@mn if old “im not ever getting married” dude has gotten married after all. SOB

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d@mn if old “im not ever getting married” dude has gotten married after all. SOB

Yeah! Egg the limo at the wedding!!!

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I think we have had a first here on the blog. Run 4 asked a question and answered it in two post.

Kimmie: Some woman don’t want to get marry too. Either never been married or they are divorced.

Ared: 10yrs and it did not end badly. I talk/see her almost everyday. And don’t be fooled into thinking money and/or a certificate provided you with somekind of security. If a person “got you” they “got you” because of who you are not because of your money or some certificate. Don’t believe me ask your parents. Hey but I understand the desire for your first certificate.

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Nobody is going to get married. Then they meet the one they want to marry, and poof.

Some folks get married without caring about it very much. They just figure, why not. It’s not the best way to go into it. Better to marry someone that really cares about you, intending to be good to you and for you, rather than having a ‘why not’ attitude themselves.

If you don’t meet one that you really want to marry, then don’t. Talk about emphasizing the obvious!

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…that is to say, all people really mean when they tell you they aren’t going to get married is that they haven’t met anyone that they’re going to marry yet.

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Blue: “d@mn if old “im not ever getting married” dude has gotten married after all.” – Men aren’t stupid, when we get old we marry so someone can take care of us. Preferably a young chick cause they strong enough to lift and wipe in one motion.

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Preferably a young chick cause they strong enough to lift and wipe in one motion.

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@For Real – lmao. now how many men you think have let the best thing that ever happened to them get away that way?

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Hell, he’s never seen me do so either

@Ared??

what kinda of floor do u have in ur kitchen that u doint mop??

u have domestic help?

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melo – I clean the floors when he’s not there. We didn’t live together.

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Ared: “But I do know I want to be married. Not just with someone long term.” – I know what you are saying but it reads kinda funny tho.

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Oh, you were’nt kidding. Well, that’s not a good look either. You’ll probably yield the same results you’re yielding now….Zilch on marriage proposals. No man wants a woman to nag him into marriage. Nor should you want a man you badger into marriage.

Like this dude said on Michael Baisden…don’t spell it in his grits! He’ll pop the question when he wants to and not because you were so thirsty kool-aid is dripping out the side of your mouth (lol).

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“That certificate may entitle you to part of is 401k plan, that certificate will entitle you to his SS benefits, that certificate will give you more. I’ll be damned if I lay around with some man shacking and be left out in the cold. And, that my friend is real talk. Not to mention that thing call alimony if the marriage ends and it is applicable.” – Ahhhh there you have it folks the essence of marriage. Don’t you want to join?

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Thanks Diana. I’ll make sure I’ll ask the questions. But yeah, he was is a good one. I guess time will tell.

I know he was commitment minded when we met, he even asked me up front if I had kids cuz he wanted to be with a woman he could experience that “first” with. Of course he doesn’t remember that. And like life, things change, so ultimately, I know it’s all for the best. Now I’m free to find someone on the same page.

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@Melo ~ this is the 21st century…I don’t think anyone gets down on the floor and mop.

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@Leggs…whatever way u do it

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@For Real – seems thats more the essence of divorce than marriage. and as Diana said where applicable, wouldnt the woman be entitled to it then?

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whiny, needy, can’t-live/eat/breathe/think-without-you type of woman who seems to ALWAYS have a man’s arm to hang off of,

Brat – I eluded to this earlier. There are thousands of women who seem to to everything WRONG, everything these dudes come on here saying NOT to do, that have sealed the deal! So much that I stopped listening years ago about what men supposedly want and just learned to be myself. If you can’t hang, tough. LOL!

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Of course he doesn’t remember that.

Amred – They all love to play that AMNESIA card!

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@Ared??

dude sold u a good lie tho as far as the breaking up is concerned.

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she showed that cared more for him than I did.”

Leggs – Dang if dudes are not using the SAME playbook! I’ve been fed that “she cares more” line too! DANG!!!

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@kimmie ~ still mistaking whining, key cars, tire slashing and drama, drama, drama as a form of I Love You Pookie! You can have her!

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Ared: “Dammit For Real. You fell into the matrix at one point too!” – Yes I did and I have no regrets but I also tried to grab a Kenny-Fiddy-Cent out of a fire and I want be doing that again either.

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Leggs – I baked this dude some cookies I had been seeing for a few months. Somehow word got back to his “ex” and she went over to his place and cut the fool! He told me her crying and screaming really got to him so he was going to give her another shot!

Of course he came crawling back a few months later after they broke up again. I told him miss me with that foolishness!

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@Leggs@kimmie – hilarious. in those cases apparently, imo anyway, caring for him more means easily manipulated to do whatever i want. having a mind of your own somehow translates to “you dont care”. seen my share of them too, lovely creatures they are.
@For Real – there are plenty of them out there. sounds like plenty of them just in this blog. some money grabbers are women, but not all women are moneygrabbers. and lets be real here, even IBM, after 20 years of commitment, will give you a d@mn watch b4 you leave.
@cz – hilarious. sometimes they may turn out to be great, its all about timing.

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EXACTLY, FOOLISHNESS. I have walked away and never once looked back, one sniffle out of both my nostrils and, had no choice but to K.I.M!

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her crying and screaming really got to him so he was going to give her another shot!

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There are thousands of women who seem to to everything WRONG, everything these dudes come on here saying NOT to do, that have sealed the deal!

Baffles the mind. But can’t hate the player! Hate the game! lol

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Melo Melo Melo, I’ve wondered when someone would say it….the entire day and you did. I agree —> dude sold u a good lie tho as far as the breaking up is concerned.

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I remember asking a guy I stopped dating why he chose this whiny, nagging, mean biotch over me and he said “she showed that cared more for him than I did.” Dumb cluck!!!!

Leggs – That’s happened to me too.

Truth is… she really did care…to damn much. She basically told him she’d NEVER go anywhere and even follow him and crash our dates.

It worked for her tho *shrugs* (I have no idea if they are still together, I ran so fast my heels had tire tracks!)

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but I also tried to grab a Kenny-Fiddy-Cent out of a fire and I want be doing that again either

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but just because she’s bonkers doesn’t mean she cares for you. it might just mean she’s bonkers and, furthermore, that she goes over the deep end with every guy she stalks dates. i believe that if she “cared” for you, she would want what’s best for you. even if that means letting you go. but that’s just my twisted way of thinking.

Leggs, i too had my moment of wondering what was wrong with me why my hubbs strayed so much. ultimately, it didn’t matter what was wrong with me. i no longer wanted to be married to him, so i got out. i can fix what’s wrong with me before moving on to the next.

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“If he like crazy let him have crazy.” YEP YEP!

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and we have a happy ending…..

melo – Ain’t sh*t happy over here. It is what it is. I can’t make anyone love me who doesn’t want to. So I’m just grateful I can be free to find the right one without any drama popping off to get out of the relationship.

You don’t have to tell me twice.

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Amred – They remember what they want to remember though.

It hurts, but I know all will be well with you.

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I just don’t want to marry you.” Period. Strong possibility.

Meant to put that in front of my post!

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glad to see i am not the only one who recognizes that the “she cares for me more” woman is often the same boil-your-rabbit-crazy woman

and yes, teh amnesia card is played often, gotta wonder if they have like a depot that replaces worn out cards, they use it so much….

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Get your happy in love azz out of here swiss and leave me to my pity party.

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ARed, you know swiss is right … and that’s what gets us through every breakup. knowing that the square pegs will come and go. when the right fit comes along, there just ain’t nothing like it!! and it will come, trust!

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czBrat…kick rocks too!

Ah…I feel better.

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For Real…is death an option?

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“For Real…is death an option?” – yes it is but I will revive you with what I like to call 50 strokes of life.

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could send Fred to trample him, hes been stomping around with these new shoes something awful…..may as well put him to good use.

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For Real: Ared, Ared, Ared! Awww my dayum she done die. I have to revive her quick. Dayum why did I wear these button fly jeans. There we go 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5 , 6 ,umm, ish dayum, 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , did I turn my computer off? dayum lost count again… 1, 2, 3, 4

Ared: For Real what are you doing?

For Real: Saving your life 2, 3 , 4…

Ared: Saving my life? Feels like you fuggin me!!!

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ya’ll still here

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ive got chocolate pudding, ive got chocolate pudding, cha cha cha…

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i’m not a morning person either. but this office is really quiet early (since most of our clients are in the midwest/west coast) so it’s a great way to get a chunk of my work day out of the way in peace. and nothing beats getting the he!! outta here before things really start poppin.

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yeah, weather guy said rain all week. my dog is gonna be so mad, lol

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Jack Russel Terrier, hes about 6 years old now.

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yeah, weather guy said rain all week

thats good..maybe we can now have sex for a change!

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awww. sorry, melo. have you been in the dog house lately?

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yeah, hes hyper by nature. we keep him outside during the day bring him in at night and when it rains. he doesnt like staying in the house all day. lol, that does kind of sum me up !. home safe to you!

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melo – favorite pasttime when its raining

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who’d a thunk you’d be so picky about getting laid

I wish I were u S/O czbrat!!

maybe we meet one day

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well, if anyones left, goodnight!

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