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Good to you vs. Good for you

There comes a time in every person’s dating career when you have to stop dating inappropriate people.  I know we like to think there is something about those folks that bring you thrills and excitement, but trust me that grows old really fast. Besides, you can’t compare the excitement you feel when you are with the right person!

It’s not always easy determining who is good for you because a lot of us get caught up in how “good” they make us feel.  How do you know when you are dating someone who is good for you?  When do you figure out they are the marrying type vs. the dating type?  I’ve always heard that men know almost immediately which category they will put a woman in. What’s their secret?! (Seriously guys, spill it).

If you are trying to weed out the inappropriate people (crazies, hot and little else to offer, etc.), what do you observe and pay attention to the most?

If you are seeing someone now, are they good for you? How do you know?

413 comments Add your comment

SlimOne...Anotha day anotha dime

July 26th, 2010
2:46 pm

kimmie – i get what you’re saying. I recall once on a review for a past job, they put that I could use Improvement on Interacting with others…stating that by this interaction, I could learn or share knowledge with other co-workers…They didn’t say too much of nothing about my actual job performance. lol

Randyt (I was freezing my butt off four days ago...and now THIS)

July 26th, 2010
2:48 pm

I’ve been out of the country so fill me in…what ever happened to that dude and the horses?

PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time

July 26th, 2010
2:48 pm

Kimmie

That’s all I was trying to say LOL ;)

AmazonRed™

July 26th, 2010
2:48 pm

If u talk back live, like u do on the blog..maybe u need to simmer that down! If u dont,cool….

melo – Don’t worry about that. I’m much more submissive in my relationships. I’ve never been on that “I can do it all on my own” crap.

While I am never shy about saying how I feel about things, I am very cognizant of how I do so in the workplace and relationships. I don’t fight dirty either.

But thanks.

As for the 2nd one…I guess I’ll never know…. :)

SlimOne...Anotha day anotha dime

July 26th, 2010
2:49 pm

blue – ‘even tho they arent intentionaly ignoring you thats how it feels. like they are ignoring you and your efforts to help them’ EXACTLY! I even tried to approach of, did you ever think that hanging out with me for a few hours as crazy as I am, that you MIGHT feel a wee little bit better? lol

AmazonRed™

July 26th, 2010
2:50 pm

especially if you’re in your 30’s that you should be able to communicate what’s wrong with you to a partner.

Slim – In my case, he was good at communicating. And he communicated that he’d rather walk this walk on his own, even with someone willing to hold his hand through it. :lol:

SlimOne...Anotha day anotha dime

July 26th, 2010
2:52 pm

Ared – oooooooooooooooK den lol

blue-7/30

July 26th, 2010
2:52 pm

@Slim – yeah, tried that one too. i think sometimes part of it is just stubborness, he wants to break the funk himself, in his own time, doesnt want any help cause then its like he cant do it himself. only thing is, then when im in a funk, he try my techniques with me, as if im supposed to lean on your shoulder. admitedly, may seem childish, but if you see no need or have no desire to lean on me, i tend to feel the same. makes things a little tense at times lol

For Real

July 26th, 2010
2:53 pm

Leggs: I have found over the years more choose to stay and then give me an ultimatum a year later.

DreamsMaterialize

July 26th, 2010
2:55 pm

like they are ignoring you and your efforts to help them.
blue, slim A lot of times guys don’t want you to help us with our problem. Usually, we’d rather you not even know what the problem is. Usually, it’s more than enough if you just sit by me on the couch and let me hold you real close so I can feel your warmth, smell that scent that is uniquely yours, take in the essence of you, knowing that no matter what is going on with me I have someone so wonderful in love with me.

czBrat

July 26th, 2010
2:56 pm

Slim, we have very much the same situation but in reverse. s/o is HUGE on communication. me? i fill you in if/when i’m ready … not a moment sooner (or you really won’t like what you hear). the point is, when i’ve been with the ‘wrong’ person, they’d just say “that’s cool” and go on about their business coz they’re not that into it anyway. now, this man will exercise patience when needed so as not to blow my fuse, but he’ll continuously remind me that he is there, ready, willing and able to be part of whatever it is i’m holding in. and that’s how i know i can let it out. turns out it feels soooooooo good to have someone to talk to, but it took the right someone to teach me that. if you’re really feeling your guy then just be there. he’ll open up, and you’ll make him a better person for it. maybe along the way you’ll learn some new ways to ‘communicate’. :)

kimmie

July 26th, 2010
2:57 pm

Amred – I had a guy to break it off with me once because he said we had not “been thru” enough trials and tribulations together. Everything was just TOO happy and perfect. Sure we’d had our share of fights and disagreements like any other couple. But I guess not enough DRAMA had taken place. I told him sit still enough and LIFE will give you enough trials to handle, but he went on.

At least that was the reason he gave me. SMH

Randyt (I was freezing my butt off four days ago...and now THIS)

July 26th, 2010
2:59 pm

I suspect For Real is exactly right here. Women often have this illusion they can convert or change a man, thru sex, cooking, etc. Nope, it either is there ir it isn’t. In most instances a man is a 150% into you (and you will know it because he will fall all over himself for you), or he is just biding time… but he is not waiting for you to ‘convince’ him. Men aren’t waiting to be wooed, they aren’t wired that way.

Melo

July 26th, 2010
3:00 pm

stuff because nobody “sees” you

@Kimmie??

stop right there!

u can make urself visible by being productive outside of ur immediate line of duty/confines. U can make ursself visible,if u are a hard worker by taking on assignments from other departments or heads..u do a good job with them,word goes round.

U can make urself visible by being good at what u do and being approacheable and easy or willing to help other folks outside of ur own zone.

I have had pple ask me to help by showing them how to do something..even when i didnt know their first name,other than knowing that they work for the compnay and i see them on the regular…they say “’so and so told me u good at this” …now if they pass me over for some position for which im qualified and choose some other jokker..thats on them.

I am not all for fratenizing just so i can look visible and a favorite and good in other pples eyes so i can land a promo…if at all, i wanna have as much cross departmental experience i can get so if they pass me over,im really good somewhere else with that experience.

I can take that.

blue-7/30

July 26th, 2010
3:00 pm

@Dreams – i like the way that sounds, and am learning over the years to ease off the “let me help you attitude” but got to wonder if thats it, then why when we are “funkdified” are most guys so intent on “fixing” us? i mean, sometiems what you describe is what we are looking for as well, but the intense “got to fix her” attitude can be overwhelming

For Real

July 26th, 2010
3:01 pm

Slim: I think Gemini’s are like that by nature. I have to have so one-on-one time with myself. Especially when I got ish to work thru. All that can I help and what’s wrong tend to get on my nerves so I just step away until I’m good. And I can stand chick that like to hoover when I’m sick.

Chick: (in a soft caring voice) For Real are feeling okay?

For Real: (in Rick James voice and no I don’t know why I talk like Rick James when I’m sick) Bytch naw i’m sick!!!

Leggs

July 26th, 2010
3:02 pm

@ForReal ~ I wasn’t expecting that answer. Given percentages, I thought you would state many more women are wanting to marry. Wow, those women deserve to be stung because you were upfront from the get go. {{Woman standing in kitchen with refrigerator door open: Yeah, ok, big boy (ForReal), you’ll love what I can do for you and bring to your table, I’ll have you changing your mind in a year when I put this ultimatium on the table)….(tsk, tsk, tsk)…

Only to find herself wide-eyed w/disbelief when the dinner table is set for one!

Melo

July 26th, 2010
3:03 pm

even tho they arent intentionaly ignoring you thats how it feels.

@Slim…

if hes in a funk,just leave him alone…

Im like that sometimes.

AmazonRed™

July 26th, 2010
3:05 pm

I told him sit still enough and LIFE will give you enough trials to handle,

kimmie – Amen! I certainly don’t go looking for trials!!! They will absolutely happen naturally.

He’s a tool. :lol:

kimmie

July 26th, 2010
3:09 pm

Melo – I agree and whatever works for you, at your company, within your corporate culture. Depending on your job, you may not have an opportunity to work on projects outside of yuor area. I’ve done what you have done and sometimes it worked, a lot of times it didn’t make much of a difference. Just communicating MY experience and what I’ve observed over the years.

A lot of times WE segregate OURSELVES, if you know what I mean. And all the while the big decisions are being made on the golf course, and WE were invited to join the others for the outing, but didn’t because we didn’t want to brownnose. It wouldn’t have been brownnosing, just smart networking!

I just don’t like to see US fall in that trap.

I don’t like that brownnosing, that “teacher’s pet” thing either, in fact I joke with my boss about it all the time. But, I work hard AND get my name out there because I’m visible enough.

Melo

July 26th, 2010
3:09 pm

And he communicated that he’d rather walk this walk on his own, even with someone willing to hold his hand through it

@Ared??

are u saying that ur recent beu told u this or this is an old one??

Randyt (I was freezing my butt off four days ago...and now THIS)

July 26th, 2010
3:11 pm

LOL @ Leggs re: “Only to find herself wide-eyed w/disbelief when the dinner table is set for one!”

One thing I have learned is if a woman tells you she does not love you, BELIEVE HER. If she says she does love you, Wait and see if it is just temporary insanity BEFORE BUYING IT!!!

blue-7/30

July 26th, 2010
3:11 pm

@For Real – Rick James, now thats funny.

AmazonRed™

July 26th, 2010
3:14 pm

melo – The recent one. But the old ones have said the same thing.

Melo

July 26th, 2010
3:15 pm

@Kimmie??

I was gon tell u some real dirt but didnt want to be Sherroed coz some of my peeps proly read this blog and u know..so we leave it at that! :lol: :lol:

SlimOne...Anotha day anotha dime

July 26th, 2010
3:15 pm

Dreams – I could totally be fine with just being next to you when you’re in a funk but with ole boy he totally keeps to himself. And it’s funny that you mentioned our scent…because he is always smelling me ;-)

czBrat – Patient is definitely been what I’ve had to be. I told him the other day that I assume you’re in one of your moods or whatever, but that I’ll be here when you come out on the other side. But he did tell me recently that his “I miss you days are far more than my I don’t care days” lol

For Real – he’s a sagittarius but I am a Gemini and was feeling like I needed time with myself this past weekend…especiall Friday. But as I’m leaving out of the parking lot at 5, I get a call from someone close to me asking what my plans were for the night. I was immediately a little irritated because 1 – Dayum can I even leave the parking lot, unwind from the day before you trying to find out what ‘the deal is’ for later…and 2ndly, I am broke as a joke. For some reason, some folks think when you say your funds are low that, it merely means the difference in Going to a club VIP style versus waiting in line but still paying $80 for the night (admission, parking, drinks, waffle house later) Broke doesn’t mean Applebee’s versus Chilli’s…it means I need to sit my azz at home and eat a sammich or some Ramen Noodles.
Also, when I need my space and chose to be in my room, I don’t need you asking me why i’m not sitting in the living room with you watching tv, or need a hug or am depressed….I just need ME time!

btw, I find your Rick James voice kinda sexy. Tell me again BYTCH YOU CRAZY….oooooohhhh that just does something to me. :lol:

kimmie

July 26th, 2010
3:15 pm

Melo – Gotcha! :lol:

SlimOne...Anotha day anotha dime

July 26th, 2010
3:17 pm

melo – I have left him alone. ;-)

Randyt (I was freezing my butt off four days ago...and now THIS)

July 26th, 2010
3:17 pm

“Broke doesn’t mean Applebee’s versus Chilli’s…it means I need to sit my azz at home and eat a sammich or some Ramen Noodles.”

Been there done that, don’t wanna go back.

Leggs

July 26th, 2010
3:20 pm

“melo – The recent one. But the old ones have said the same thing.”

ARed ~ sounds like you love hard and fast.

AmazonRed™

July 26th, 2010
3:20 pm

For Real / Slim – Sagittarians are the most independent sign in the zodiac. You ain’t met someone good with being alone until you meet a Sag.

AmazonRed™

July 26th, 2010
3:20 pm

Leggs – It’s been a year.

Black Magic Woman

July 26th, 2010
3:24 pm

Chiming in late…..from my hometown! :lol:

I am queen of choosing guys who are good to me (in certain ways) but NOT good for me. It seems that the guys are am NOT attracted to are good for me…but to me..not so good to me. If there is no physical attraction..there will be nothing. So I guess I will continue to be alone! LOL Settling is out of the question!

For Real

July 26th, 2010
3:24 pm

Leggs: “I thought you would state many more women are wanting to marry. Wow, those women deserve to be stung because you were upfront from the get go.” – Every woman I have ever met I could see myself being with. I have been really lucky but they usually come into the relationship saying they don’t want marriage but 3 months in they will start up with some small innuendoes and I gently remind them of Section 3 of our agreement:

Section 3 Marriage:

For Real does NOT in no way whatsoever want to be married. Nowithstanding Jesus coming down with a powerpoint presentation and answering these three (3) questions Why?, Why? and Why? is there anything that said Chick can do for or to For Real in any manner to change his mind. The forgoing does in no way preclude the said Chick from trying to change For Real mind as such action by said Chick will be received with great appreciation only from For Real.

Section 4 Payment: This section has been excluded from this agreement.

Melo

July 26th, 2010
3:25 pm

@Ared??

u have been very pedantic on a personal level…i had to go back to page one to understand what u have been sayinn all along..all good..

here is my answer to ur qstion i think…for u,coz u know what u want, i think its fair when u start dating or when u meet another guy,to ask them what they are looking for..rather than just date…when they call u and u have that convo on the phone..ask them what they are looking for in a relationship…go for the hard press…

Another thing,ask why they arent married all this while. 33+.(this is a fair qstion,never mind the contrary preaching on this blog)
get their answer and see if it makes sense….

what is ur timeline,assuming u meet a good girl….??

If somebody is really serious about it(marriage) they are not going to give u a lot of bullshyyt and if they are,u walk…..

At ur age,u dont have time for anybody to waste ur time…its fair to be upfront and honest.

Once u get that outta the way and u dating and hes proving and walking the talk..Play the perfect wife!

abc

July 26th, 2010
3:27 pm

I think it’s funny but somehow apropos that the blog should interpret ‘good to you’ in physical and sexual terms, and ‘good for you’ as in someone who would actually treat you well, i.e., be ‘good to you’.

Leggs

July 26th, 2010
3:28 pm

“Play the perfect wife!” That’s not good advice, Melo.

ARed doesn’t want to play that game as a standby, she wants the starring role.

AmazonRed™

July 26th, 2010
3:28 pm

melo – Good points. He’s been married before. And that’s part of the problem, fear of making that leap only for it to end badly again in divorce. He thought he was ready to take that leap again, but there were circumstances (that had nothing to do with me) that made him pull back again.

But you’re right… as I’m not desperate to marry, I’ve been more than willing to “see how things go.” They just don’t go the way I want it to ultimately. So there will be some changes in approach made.

Leggs

July 26th, 2010
3:29 pm

Anybody hear me on The Bert Show this morning????

Randyt (I was freezing my butt off four days ago...and now THIS)

July 26th, 2010
3:30 pm

@abc I thought thw same. Confusing.

For Real

July 26th, 2010
3:30 pm

Ared: “You ain’t met someone good with being alone until you meet a Sag.” – I don’t know Ared at least twice a month I have to have Jesus have a conversation with Satan to convince me not to say fugg-it and move to an Island and change my name to Jeep.

czBrat

July 26th, 2010
3:31 pm

LOL @ Slim 3:15. but *sigh* coz sometimes folks just don’t GET IT!

ditto ARed on that sag analysis. both my parents were sag and i’m a stinger. being the last one at home, i grew up in an environment where everybody cherished their personal space. i’m well accustomed to me, myself & i. i think s/o & i have found a nice balance though, because i deeply, truly, fully enjoy my time with him. and he has learned to do something constructive with his time in exile.

AmazonRed™

July 26th, 2010
3:31 pm

what is ur timeline,assuming u meet a good girl….??

By the way, I’ve never asked such a question, but I think it’s a good one.

It’s funny, had I been in high school, Dad usually asks the guy “what are your intentions for my daughter” upfront. Somewhere along the way, we stopped asking this.

AmazonRed™

July 26th, 2010
3:32 pm

and he has learned to do something constructive with his time in exile

:lol:

And LMAO @ “Jeep”

Melo

July 26th, 2010
3:34 pm

ARed doesn’t want to play that game as a standby, she wants the starring role

@Leggs??..so what do u mean??

..a “perfect” girlfriend (in a relationship thats serious enough to lead to marriage? resembles a marriage smewhat..

Leggs

July 26th, 2010
3:35 pm

Yes, agree, just the wording…don’t play wife, play girlfriend until you’re the wife!

abc

July 26th, 2010
3:36 pm

I’d venture to say that fixation on a physical attribute of ‘good to you’, with a negative connotation for ‘good for you’ somehow being less attractive, not as much fun, resulting in a lack of sexual fulfillment somehow, will preclude meeting someone who would, in fact, be good to you, and thus good for you.

Leggs

July 26th, 2010
3:37 pm

@Melo ~ some women play the “wife” role so well only to find themselves alone when the relationship is over w/o much of a ground to stand on because they thought they were “wifey” material without a license.

For Real

July 26th, 2010
3:38 pm

Ared: “fear of making that leap only for it to end badly again in divorce.” – I don’t think it’s fear he is experiencing, once you have been married and you have seen the enter working some people just don’t see the need of a certificate because they know the certificate does not hold the marriage together. But this does explain why he is letting you go. You need to experience marriage on your own terms.

kimmie

July 26th, 2010
3:38 pm

4Real – You are the only man I know of that has made that No Marriage pledge and not only told women upfront but held to it.