Good to you vs. Good for you
There comes a time in every person’s dating career when you have to stop dating inappropriate people. I know we like to think there is something about those folks that bring you thrills and excitement, but trust me that grows old really fast. Besides, you can’t compare the excitement you feel when you are with the right person!
It’s not always easy determining who is good for you because a lot of us get caught up in how “good” they make us feel. How do you know when you are dating someone who is good for you? When do you figure out they are the marrying type vs. the dating type? I’ve always heard that men know almost immediately which category they will put a woman in. What’s their secret?! (Seriously guys, spill it).
If you are trying to weed out the inappropriate people (crazies, hot and little else to offer, etc.), what do you observe and pay attention to the most?
If you are seeing someone now, are they good for you? How do you know?
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413 comments Add your comment
SlimOne...Anotha day anotha dime
July 26th, 2010
1:28 pm
i’m swiss – There were many a nights when I would sleep in the other room when ex and I lived together. You can only tell a person to roll over so many times before everyone in the house is aggitated. However, the few times I slept in the other room because we had gotten into it earlier that day, I’d wake up to find he had slipped in the bed with me at some point during the night. Sort of made it hard to be mad after that.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 26th, 2010
1:28 pm
Not carrying ‘Baggage’ (this one is hard to determine early)
^^ that made me start humming Erykah Badu “bag lady” powerful words in that song.
Chocolate Cutie
July 26th, 2010
1:35 pm
Just passing through…
DreamsMaterialize
July 26th, 2010
1:41 pm
sometimes all your emotions are tied up in dealing with other things the last thing you can do is make caring for someone else your priority.
ARed This pretty much sums up one of my most recent experiences. She didn’t like it, and she said she wanted to be there for me. As much as I appreciated the gesture, I couldn’t invite her into a tumultuous situation. What I was dealing with was time/emotionally/financially exhaustive, and I knew I couldn’t divide the time between that situation and a relationship. She deserved way more than that from me.
Chocolate Cutey AKA Sassy Me AKA Sun Kissed
July 26th, 2010
1:41 pm
I’d wake up to find he had slipped in the bed with me at some point during the night. Sort of made it hard to be mad after that.
Chocolate Cutey AKA Sassy Me
July 26th, 2010
1:42 pm
I’d wake up to find he had slipped in the bed with me at some point during the night. Sort of made it hard to be mad after that.
That’s sweet….
AmazonRed™
July 26th, 2010
1:47 pm
She deserved way more than that from me.
Such noble bloggers you are.
Tell me this…was she really marriage material? Or someone you really weren’t sure about. Everyone says when you find “the one” you do what you gotta do to keep em around. So which one is it?
Melo
July 26th, 2010
1:54 pm
Sort of made it hard to be mad after that.
@Slim??
thats being Good to you!! knowing when,during the nite,when u need a lil dose of mojito pipe juice!
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 26th, 2010
1:55 pm
Ared, its kinda hard to understand when it hasn’t happened to you. Do you remember couple weeks ago the topic was something about asking for a break? When you reach a situation where you know you just can’t divide your attention to as many places as it needs to go, you could ask for “a break” but me I’d feel guilty like I was asking that person to put their life on hold til I got my ish together, so you just end up breaking up with that person.
Dirty Diana
July 26th, 2010
1:56 pm
@ARed, that is a good question for DreamsM. May I add, will he seek her out once he is done with his matter?
czBrat
July 26th, 2010
1:58 pm
What I was dealing with was time/emotionally/financially exhaustive, and I knew I couldn’t divide the time between that situation and a relationship. She deserved way more than that from me.
Dreams, vecino, como estas? no idea where the topic is at, but i zeroed right in on this post. i recently had this very convo with s/o. when he said that anything and everything i was dealing with we would deal with together, i knew he was not only good TO me but also FOR me.
Hola good people!!
kent
July 26th, 2010
2:03 pm
this blog is for frustrated black women to unburden themselves.
AmazonRed™
July 26th, 2010
2:05 pm
@ARed, that is a good question for DreamsM. May I add, will he seek her out once he is done with his matter?
Yeah! Yeah!
What say you Dreams????
Dirty Diana
July 26th, 2010
2:05 pm
Kent, and you fit that mold well. You are pie.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 26th, 2010
2:06 pm
I have a professional question to ask:
How do you tell your somewhat quirky subordinate that their is a great possiblity that they are limiting their “upward mobility” by being anti-social?
While I don’t believe in hanging out after hours with my co-workers myself, I do not alienate myself from those events held during the work day.
Dirty Diana
July 26th, 2010
2:07 pm
@Ared all I hear….crickets…crickets
AmazonRed™
July 26th, 2010
2:07 pm
Ared, its kinda hard to understand when it hasn’t happened to you.
Absolutely. And I know this puts me at a disadvantage because I can be empathetic, but not truly understand.
With my parents, siblings and grandparents all still living, my time is coming soon. I’ve never been divorced, don’t have any kids…. I do the best I can. And try to treat someone how I’d want to be treated, if it were happening to me. I just want to be there by his side, but you can’t force it.
Dirty Diana
July 26th, 2010
2:09 pm
@PK, there is something called self management as it relates to careers, let your coworker figure it out. If s/he ask you about “moving up” tell her, otherwise let it go.
AmazonRed™
July 26th, 2010
2:10 pm
i recently had this very convo with s/o. when he said that anything and everything i was dealing with we would deal with together,
You really do have a good one czBrat!
The problem is that one can say it, but the other party has to be on the same page with it. Sometimes they’d rather let you go.
For Real
July 26th, 2010
2:11 pm
“Everyone says when you find “the one” you do what you gotta do to keep em around.” – Or you turn them loose for their own good. You may not know this about me but I don’t want to be married and when I meet a woman that’s material I give her that spill early on because I don’t want to be the source of her hurt. Yeah I know it hurts but I’m sure it will hurt much more 2yrs down the road. Look at that he is trying to do the honorable thing by you.
SlimOne...Anotha day anotha dime
July 26th, 2010
2:12 pm
‘thats being Good to you!! knowing when,during the nite,when u need a lil dose of mojito pipe juice’
melo – take the dunce cap off your wang this ONE time…no hanky panky was going on if i was in the other room. Knowing that I was upset and that he still didn’t want to sleep w/o me was enough. You took a sweet moment and made it DIRTY
kent – not sure how long you’ve been lurking on the blog, but there have been MANY o times where your fellow brethen come on here spitting their bitter venom regarding women. (ALL COLORS & CREEDS) Which AA women are not the only folks that come on this here blog. But anyway, let me do my blog duty to highlight to you the nearest exits in case you get vertigo & confused on which way to go. OR I can get one of our fellow blogmen to show you to Blogsville Alley.
kimmie
July 26th, 2010
2:13 pm
Marriage is about the Luck of the draw!
Melo, this is what I was saying earlier – you need a little luck sometimes!
You said some good things in that post!
AmazonRed™
July 26th, 2010
2:14 pm
Look at that he is trying to do the honorable thing by you.
For Real – Absolutely. However, this man does want to be married one day. He might not be in a place where he is emotionally able to do so, but he’ll get married and I’m sure it won’t be an agonizing decision when it happens.
Much different than someone who doesn’t want to get married to ANYONE.
But yes, in the long run, he’s done me a favor. And I don’t fault him or hate him for it either.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 26th, 2010
2:15 pm
I do the best I can. And try to treat someone how I’d want to be treated, if it were happening to me. I just want to be there by his side, but you can’t force it
I thought the same thing, until it happened to me
however, i will also say it depends on the stage you are in, in the relationship, as well as the stage you are in, in your life. I feel like the older i get the more I learn balance and to communicate with the people around me about what’s goin on and not wait til it explodes. Prime example, single parenthood, my daughter is my responsibility and I do what needs to be done but sometimes it gets to a point that I’m just so overwhelmed but If I don’t speak up and explain its just a bad situation.
AmazonRed™
July 26th, 2010
2:15 pm
melo – take the dunce cap off your wang this ONE time
2CPTG©----
July 26th, 2010
2:16 pm
Sexxxy Cool, what up, Ma…..Cain’t even describe how hot it is down here…..
Hey Mo!
Leggs
July 26th, 2010
2:16 pm
@ForReal ~ since you’re being honest with these women, do you find that you’re letting more go because they do want to get married, or are you holding on to more?
Melo
July 26th, 2010
2:17 pm
I do not alienate myself from those events held during the work day.
@Princess??
he can guarantee himself upward mobility by working hard and going the extra mile and not attending co-worker birfdays,retirement events etc.
Interracting with other “meaningful” pple within his line of business can actually happen when he is doing something productive for the company and getting “extra work” from other movers/managers,not necessarily his boss…
Uall gossips/small talks in the conference rooms and break rooms aint necessarily shyyt all all that!
I dont care for them either!
For Real
July 26th, 2010
2:18 pm
Princess: If she/he is quirky it may be to their benefit not to socialize. If you are concerned and want to see them advance try being their bridge into some of the company’s social networking. But your post did make me think of this movie http://www.dinnerforschmucks.com/
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 26th, 2010
2:19 pm
Dirty D,
It is just so frustrating though! Part of it has to do with the hubby, you know i work in a predominately male environment, and she is my front desk person, so of course she has to have contact with men. If he is not comfortable with her interacting then he should say honey why don’t you just stay home, i got you. I mean she NEVER attends unless deemed Mandatory or its Women Only and that’s rare when 7/100 employees are women
blue-7/30
July 26th, 2010
2:21 pm
ok, im lost, what are we onto now?
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 26th, 2010
2:22 pm
Melo, I’m not talking about conference room gatherings etc, (I’m not one for sit-ins with “the street committee” myself)
Prime example we have a MAJOR annual luncheon coming up next week, in which employee of the year, supervisor of the year etc….. are acknowledged and she has already said she will not be attending and wanted to know could she just do something else while we were gone.
DreamsMaterialize
July 26th, 2010
2:23 pm
Tell me this…was she really marriage material?
ARed She seemed marriage material, but I’m basing that on the little time we’d been together. If we had a lot more time invested, then I might have made a different choice. After a certain amount of time in a relationship, you get to a point where you make the choice to accept the other person’s burdens as well as be comfortable enough to share the weight of your own. Because our relationship was so new, I wasn’t at that point yet.
ARed, that is a good question for DreamsM. May I add, will he seek her out once he is done with his matter?
Double D’s, ARed I’ll absolutely seek her out. I’ve already told her this. Of course she reminded me that there were no guarantees she would be available. I completely understand that. Life is full of hard choices.
blue-7/30
July 26th, 2010
2:27 pm
“melo – take the dunce cap off your wang this ONE time” – priceless.
@Slim – nice story, sweet despite melo, lol
AmazonRed™
July 26th, 2010
2:29 pm
Thanks for the response Dreams.
kimmie
July 26th, 2010
2:31 pm
Princess – I used to work with someone like that at another job. She was brilliant, used to build the best databases around, once built them for the Navy. But she was anti-social as all get out but used to sit in her little corner cubicle and get mad whenever someone else would get promoted or noticed for things. She was very tall and attractive, but walked around with a scowl on her face all the time. The only time she would smile is when I would joke with her.
We had the same boss and he would take plan nice luncheons for management for Christmas & other occasions. She would not attend. She tried to play the race card all the time as well. Even though it was a “good ole boy” culture there, everything was not about race, just getting the work done. She thought any social interaction at all was “brownnosing”.
You have to know how to play the game. You can build your professional network without kissing behind. I tried to tell her, but to no avail. Can’t help some people.
Oh well.
czBrat
July 26th, 2010
2:32 pm
ARed, i tried the ‘if you love something set it free’ approach, but he wasn’t having that either. we had a good laugh. problem is, i’m a loner. i’m an introvert by nature and i have a tendency to deal with my problems on my own rather than involve anyone else. i feel like i bring people down if i complain, so i always try to present a positive front no matter what’s going on with me personally. that’s why i try to put some distance between us when i’m stressed. it has nothing to do with not wanting to be with him or not wanting him in my life. i am blessed that he sees and understands my tendencies and works WITH me instead of just saying “ok. good luck!”. does that make sense?
AmazonRed™
July 26th, 2010
2:35 pm
i am blessed that he sees and understands my tendencies and works WITH me instead of just saying “ok. good luck!”. does that make sense?
Yes it does. But you’re the one who is letting him in. I wasn’t trying to say “ok, good luck” either. But I can’t make someone let me in.
And if I can…I’m open to suggestions.
Melo
July 26th, 2010
2:35 pm
Prime example we have a MAJOR annual luncheon coming up next week
@Princess??
as long as its not mandatory,she is within her rights. I dont see any higher ups denying somebody a promo simply coz u dont normally attend such.
unless u are in marketing/sales or customer servcie type job..those type jobs where “liking to meet and talk to” lots of pple is like a cap in ur feather.
AmazonRed™
July 26th, 2010
2:37 pm
Maybe standing outside his window singing “You’re gonna love me” will work.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 26th, 2010
2:38 pm
Melo,
I would consider her to be customer serivce since she works the front desk and is basically the maint point of contact between the schools and the guys.
At any rate, thanks everyone for your input.
SlimOne...Anotha day anotha dime
July 26th, 2010
2:38 pm
czBrat – you sound just like the dude i’m dating…when he get’s in a funk he 100% goes into his own little world. I’ve been ‘understanding’ but it ain’t easy because i’m a communicator by nature. I have a hard time not talking about things or expressing if something bothers me. So when a SO is in a funk I want to know what’s wrong, if there is anything I can do or at least want to cheer them up. He said the same thing about, when he is stressed he just choses not to be around folks not to ruin their spirit with his humdrum attitude.
blue-7/30
July 26th, 2010
2:40 pm
did anyone else see this headline:
Idaho police dog back to work after suspension
a dog under suspension, interesting….
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 26th, 2010
2:41 pm
Melo,
also the situation is deeper than just not being participatory, but that is just the most obvious………………….
Melo
July 26th, 2010
2:42 pm
And if I can…I’m open to suggestions
Ared??
My sources tell me everything about u is kinda on point..except for one or two things that can be potentially be”bad”, depending on the person u with.
I will tell u one,and reserve the other.
If u talk back live, like u do on the blog..maybe u need to simmer that down! If u dont,cool….
The other one,ull have to bribe me good so i can let u know!
??
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 26th, 2010
2:42 pm
ARED
ROTFL, you better stop it!
For Real
July 26th, 2010
2:43 pm
Enter your comments here
kimmie
July 26th, 2010
2:43 pm
Melo – I get what you’re saying, but a lot of times you get passed over for stuff because nobody “sees” you. I had to learn this the hard way. I thought plugging away at my desk at the computer, working hard, was enough. It wasn’t. I had to learn to play the game.
I’ve seen people sacrafice everything, including their health or their family time, plugging away at their desk, and not get recognized. It’s said, but that’s business.
When you reach a certain level, to reach a certain level, at least a little networking is in order. If not, just to prove you’re a team player – never participating in team activities, for example. You have a right, you don’t “have” to, but unless you’re satisfied right where you are, may not be a good idea, especially depending on the corporate culture where you work.
SlimOne...Anotha day anotha dime
July 26th, 2010
2:43 pm
‘I can’t make someone let me in’
ARed – Hallelujah!! I think, especially if you’re in your 30’s that you should be able to communicate what’s wrong with you to a partner. Even if you give them a heads up that something is wrong and you aren’t ready to talk about it right now…that’s better than just going cold & shut off from the world w/o notice.
blue-7/30
July 26th, 2010
2:45 pm
@Slim – when he get’s in a funk he 100% goes into his own little world. sounds like mr.blue too. he calls it his bubble. he says partly its like you said, not wanting to burden anyone with his attitude, but at the same time isnt ready to be cheered up (sounds weird to me) it can be maddening, because even tho they arent intentionaly ignoring you thats how it feels. like they are ignoring you and your efforts to help them.