Help! I feel like a Sugar Mama
I received a question from a reader who has a little dating dilemma. Her new boyfriend makes significantly less money than she does. It did not seem to bother either of them in the beginning (most things don’t!) but as the relationship is progressing, things are becoming awkward.
She has already bought him clothes, paid for a vacation, and last week he asked her for a loan. It is making her feel like a “sugar mama” at this point. How does she handle this without ruining the relationship?
Is it a bad idea to lend money to the person you are dating? Do you think this type of thing alters the dynamics in how a man and woman relate to one another in a relationship?
Should you disclose the amount of money you are making to someone you have just started dating?
When do you bring up money?
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360 comments Add your comment
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
12:01 pm
SCool – Your 11:54 – wonder if we know the same people?!LOL!!
I know what you mean, and I’m not getting caught in the crossfire!
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
12:02 pm
heres a question, while we’re talking about finances, for the men folk out there.
it was mentioned about an unemployed mans confidence. while your also talking about a woman who can hold her own and isnt expecting to get to spend your money. so your with a woman, dating, married, whatever, at a time in yuor life where you need some help. she doesnt make an issue of your finances, no harping on when are you gonna pull your weight, she either says “no worries babe, we’re in this together” and handles it, or she just handles it without a word. you’ve got a woman who is a)willing to work and not be ms.spoiled diva, b)not trying to make you feel inferior, and c)is doing what needs to be done. so why do so many of you now act as if she has thrown off the balance, shes the problem?
Luvbug
July 21st, 2010
12:05 pm
Grace – Priceless? To some maybe, to others maybe not. Hopefully the two folks getting it on are both on the same page with that one…but if (by chance) it’s saved for bidding, then the value becomes clear…it’s worth whatever the income (status and other attributes) of the guy the woman is having sex with. Sex as a commodity may no longer be a good look for women…if it ever was.
I wish I had time to read the blog today.
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
12:07 pm
@PR – men know a golddigger when they see one? really.
for all those Boondocks people, let me remind you of the episode where Granddad moved the trick in house, talking about how in love they were, the whole while Riley is screaming “she a hoe granddad”.
Huey runs down the check list while you see Granddad having flashbacks:
1)can she run real fast in high heels?
2)does she always wanna go shopping?
3)does she run from police?
4)does she hide when dude in a purple suit walks in?
and Granddads flashbacks show she meets all criteria, but their in love. he didnt admit it till A Pimp Named Slickback showed up to gather his “merchandise”
Kym
July 21st, 2010
12:09 pm
Afternoon all,
Neither a borrower nor a lender be..In a relationship. I am not sure if y’all still on topic but
I think ole girl set herself up. Like I said the other day…you finish how you start.
You start out giving presents and gifts you have to keep it up. No need to act brand new now.
She knew the deal going in.
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
12:10 pm
blue – One of my best friend’s is in that very situation you described with her husband. In her case, hubby WALKED AWAY from a good paying job, without another lined up and he was the breadwinner! She had been a stayathome mom(his request). So, she tries to be understanding, does what needs to be done and gets out & hustles and gets a temp job & then a permanent one – been carrying the family for 6 months now. He has shown his behind this whole 6 months, nothing she does is right! He just got a very good new job, but she says he’s still tripping a little. I’ve never heard her complain or speak ill of him, but for the first time, she actually mentioned the D word a few months back.
Melo
July 21st, 2010
12:10 pm
so why do so many of you now act as if she has thrown off the balance, shes the problem?
blue-7/30 ??
thrown off balance how…..??
in that scenario,either the man has low self esteem broght about by his stuation or he does not and recognizes the value an support of his girlfriend/wife and keeps on plugging along untill his situation is resolved.
what is ur qstion blue-7/30 ??
abc
July 21st, 2010
12:11 pm
While I’ve known a few men that have found themselves in that position, blue, none had women who exhibited the behavior you describe. One guy had a struggle in the early 80’s with money and his wife pulled up the slack for about a year, and he still hears about it regularly. And that’s around 30 years ago! He’ll be hearing about it until he’s in the grave.
It might conflict with so-called modern and contemporary lifestyles and all, but a man that doesn’t provide still catches hell for it, just because that’s life. I’d say there’s no such thing as a man who has to rely on a woman for support, and the woman and everyone else doesn’t beat him down about it.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:12 pm
blue, that is a cartoon. He was an old man and had not other options but a gold digger, that was a cartoon. LOL . I can’t answer your other question, I have never been in that situation and if I hit a bad spell, I can always move back and work on the farm and make money.
Melo
July 21st, 2010
12:15 pm
and the woman and everyone else doesn’t beat him down about it.
@abc??
u are right…when they are doing some in the house,at some point somebody outside has to know…
i bet her mama will know and some of her friends will know..they all talk too much…
SHE: yeah Sherry girl I cant go out with you guys today since i have to put in some overtime at work, uall know im handling the bills here since my husband quit his job and his azz is at home……”
she has to find a way to say it somehow so she feels better!
and thats the problem.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:16 pm
abc, some women tend to hold things forever. LOL, if I started to struggle I think my pride would prevent me from asking for help even though I know she would. I would just do something to handle business no matter the sacrifice rather than ask for help from my wife. LOL
abc
July 21st, 2010
12:17 pm
Yeah man. I’d cut off my arm and sell it if that’d keep me from being in a position of being financially beholden to a woman.
It's me....lurker
July 21st, 2010
12:19 pm
Cool Shadow’s 10:13
Absolutely. Given the fact though, him being a good man and all and just down and out due to the recession will resonate. If he’s a bum, the bum will come through. If he’s a good man fallen on hard times, that won’t change his character….he’ll be resourceful and too prideful (still with no job) to bum off you. You’ll know if he’s truly down and out or if he’s perpitrating and just an undercover bum.
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 21st, 2010
12:19 pm
blue – P-Lito – Real life example – Anna Nicole Smith.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:20 pm
Let alone make a wrong turn and she knew you missed the turn and always bringing it up…..can’t imagine “asking” for money. LOL
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:21 pm
SecxyCool, I agree, I hope he knew she was a gold digger. I think after a certain age some men just don’t care as long as they are getting their limp wrinkled pecker tended to. LOL
It's me....lurker
July 21st, 2010
12:21 pm
from my 12:19….we’ll be dating and doing crafty, thoughtful things. All events calling for money will simple have to wait. He can come over and cook, we can do walks in the parks, I’ll help with his resume but nothing involving cash or spending will come up.
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
12:24 pm
@melo – i guess my question is, as in kimmies example, why does she now become the target of your insecurities, rather than you showing appreciation for her understanding, support and solidarity?
@abc – that is unfortunate. i guess its experiences like that that make it harder for us good women out there. but ?, what exactly is catching hell. strictly “when are you gonna get a job ” (agreed there, if he is trying at least) or “well, we are kind strapped for cash at the moment, so no, sorry you cant head out with the boys this week”. cause have seen the good gal catch it for both
@PR – cartoon yes, but as we’ve all commented b4, a comment on life. that type of thing happens to men also, granted for different reasons at times than women. doubt men are as upset by the constant “when you come home for holidays you always come alone, when are you gonna find a nice ____”. but they have other reasons than sex for keeping a woman around who may not be the best for them, and sometimes they arent the first ones to see it, their friends and family are.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:27 pm
blue, and I am saying most men know what it is and do not mind it. In some men’s mind we are paying regardless if it is a hooker picked up from the corner that we are paying for the hours we are with her or if its a girlfriend, wife, FWB we are paying. SO some men have accepted the fact that there are a few things that are certain in life. Death, taxes and a woman is going to cost you money somewhere along the line. Yep, that is my horse, move your little pony. LOL
Melo
July 21st, 2010
12:31 pm
why does she now become the target of your insecurities, rather than you showing appreciation for her understanding, support and solidarity?
@blue-7/30??
the mouf..!!
the women’s mouf is one of the most corrosive thing ever invented by God. The puddsy will come in close second.
a man’s self esteem lowers even more when he is being scorched at home by the woman’s mouf.
There is nothing as demeaning to a man as having his bizz told to every possible relative/close friends u can think of by his woman and him being demeaned at home.
Kym
July 21st, 2010
12:34 pm
Hookers and wives the same? Did I miss something in these post?
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
12:36 pm
@PR – DO NOT INSULT THE PONY…hes fragile….let Leggs watch him, she and lil leggs gave him spagetti, who gives a pony spagetti? had to get him new shoes last week, they hurt his wittle feet……lol
men have accepted some facts. women have accepted some as well, life is pain and compromise, we are still referred to as “the lesser sex” no matter how strong we actually are, and their johnson is the center of any mans life
@melo – do you men not talk to your boys/closest relative(mom, sister, brother whatever) about your woman and/or relationship?
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:37 pm
Kym, LOL sweet Ebony Brown. blue, did you see that episode?
I believe after a certain age, 80 years old+ it is better for a man to have a hooker rather than wife a hooker. Oh heck it doesn’t matter as long as the viagra is kicking in, because death will soon be knocking. LOL
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:39 pm
blue, I do not believe that men share intimate details of relationships. Maybe broad issues but not intimately with someone close. They may just remain anonymous on a blog. LOL
It's me....lurker
July 21st, 2010
12:40 pm
Can we get this bottled?
ABC – Yeah man. I’d cut off my arm and sell it if that’d keep me from being in a position of being financially beholden to a woman.
SlimOne
July 21st, 2010
12:44 pm
Mayne it’s so dayum hot! So what’s this I hear about paying the wife with the hookers money?
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
12:45 pm
PR – dont think so, what was that one?
Kym
July 21st, 2010
12:45 pm
I saw that episode PR. I also Sunday’s with Grandpa on the weed
too funny!
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:46 pm
Silm, I need you to be my wife or hooker. Give me your credit cards and cell phone along with access to your bank accounts. I need you to buy me gifts and pay for our vacation. This is not a reflection on you because you are perfectly sane. It is just me. LOL
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:48 pm
Kym, grandpa on the weed was funny. LOL
Melo
July 21st, 2010
12:50 pm
do you men not talk to your boys/closest relative about your woman and/or relationship?
@blue-7/30??
to my guy friends,all u women are the same..that is the extend that we talk..nothing specifics about whats going on tween the two of us…
to my mum.sisters or brothers..NO…the moment i tell them whats going on and thats negative on ur(my woman) part ,they take it as gospel and in their mind,my woman is this that and the other..even after we have resolved our differences..so thats a No..Never!
the only person(s) that I could tell whats bothering me and proly str8 up is my Dad( coz like me,he regards women as the same and wld give me advice thats str8 coz he dealt with my mum too) and or my or ur close auntie(dad’s sister) or ur auntie that ur close to/ with and is more of a parent_teacher kinda with u(not ur mummy).
My dad wld never hold what i told him about u negatively if hes a real dad.
siblings and friends are a no go as far as ur issues tween u and wife are concerned…
Ur buddies can easily become ur enemies too so u have to be careful, what u tell them..always!
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:51 pm
People hold grudges even when you have forgiven the person you were talking to them about. Best to keep your personal business private.
IDK
July 21st, 2010
12:54 pm
What if the man had been the one treating his SO to shopping sprees, expensive excursions and five-star hotels, and decided to ask her for money and/or assistance? Could it be a test or an actual need…do men try to gauge whether a woman is interested in them (by helping) or just what they have to offer at the time?
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:55 pm
Like if the people that today’s topic end up having a great relationship. Some of us are going to continue to think that she is crazy or that he is a moocher or both. LOL
DreamsMaterialize
July 21st, 2010
1:10 pm
I don’t thing the guy is a moocher…he WORKS. I just think, because he makes significantly less, he can’t afford the lifestyle that she wants them to have.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
1:15 pm
Dreams, I agree with you
SlimOne
July 21st, 2010
1:18 pm
Prain – and what would I be getting out of the deal again?…some bangin dizzle?
Melo
July 21st, 2010
1:19 pm
She is with him the same way Opprah is with Steadman
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
1:21 pm
Slim, that’s all I have to offer. LOL
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
1:25 pm
Dreams
what’s the drink special today
Wet Wednesday
July 21st, 2010
1:28 pm
With their lips still locked, Billie somehow managed to find her keys and open her apartment door. They stumbled onto the couch, passionately tearing off each other’s clothes as they went. Jay laid down on top of her, covering her soft, curvy body with his strong, lean one. He slipped his hand between her thighs and felt her grow wet beneath his fingers. He ran his tongue along her body and flicked it inside of her. She uttered a low groan. Boldly she grabbed his face and pushed him into her most sensitive spots. Jay continued to run his tongue against her until Billie couldn’t stand it anymore. “Take me now, Jay,” she panted desperately. Jay pressed his chest against her heaving breasts. Billie gasped as he slid just the top of himself into her. Then, he sunk in deeper and deeper until her body ached with anticipation.
Melo
July 21st, 2010
1:34 pm
ogghhhhhhhhhhhhh…..oooghhhhhhhhhhh
I tore the zipper portion of my pants!
SlimOne
July 21st, 2010
1:34 pm
PP – well I regret to inform you that we are not currently accepting any New Dizzle applicates right now. However, we will keep your submission on file for the next 30 days.
DreamsMaterialize
July 21st, 2010
1:36 pm
Princess what’s good? Today’s drink is my own new concoction called “Show Me the Money”. It’s a delicate but potent mixture of top shelf liquors. One glass is $54. If a dude/chick buys you one of these, it’s a clear sign they have money for you to spend.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
1:38 pm
Slim, but you can write a song or book about us not making it. LOL
Dreams, give me two of those and put it on Slim’s tab.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
1:45 pm
If a dude/chick buys you one of these, it’s a clear sign they have money for you to spend
IDK
July 21st, 2010
1:45 pm
Hello All. (forgive me for not following protocol) How rude of me to enter your blog w/o acknowledging this dynamic bunch!
Back on topic:
Do you think it’s harder for the wealthy or those less fortunate to find mates?
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
1:48 pm
I think it is harder for the wealthy to find mates.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
1:48 pm
IDK
I would say the wealthy, because if they are known to be wealthy, they probably have a hard time determining if the person is there for the love or for the money.
Melo
July 21st, 2010
1:50 pm
enter your blog w/o acknowledging this dynamic bunch!
@IDK…that will always attract somebody’s attn….Why,u feeling too much wind around u..empty room or u heard ur echo..??
you think it’s harder for the wealthy or those less fortunate to find mates
ur qstion dont make sense to me!