Help! I feel like a Sugar Mama
I received a question from a reader who has a little dating dilemma. Her new boyfriend makes significantly less money than she does. It did not seem to bother either of them in the beginning (most things don’t!) but as the relationship is progressing, things are becoming awkward.
She has already bought him clothes, paid for a vacation, and last week he asked her for a loan. It is making her feel like a “sugar mama” at this point. How does she handle this without ruining the relationship?
Is it a bad idea to lend money to the person you are dating? Do you think this type of thing alters the dynamics in how a man and woman relate to one another in a relationship?
Should you disclose the amount of money you are making to someone you have just started dating?
When do you bring up money?
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360 comments Add your comment
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
11:04 am
Mr Elijah, because I do not have sex right off of the bat, dating is dating and that involves many women, relationships are different than dating IMO. I have been known to wait a long time and I did say that I give “gifts” and expect nothing in return. It’s just how you read it.
abc
July 21st, 2010
11:04 am
I can’t say I’m completely unsympathetic to the man in the topic though. I know that I found myself in a position where my girl was having to support me, whether due to injury or whatever kind of misfortune, I’d have a really, really hard time with it. If I wasn’t able to recover from the personal financial malaise for some reason, I can only imagine how difficult it would be for me. It’s almost like it’s a character flaw in me or something. I don’t know how I’d be able to reconcile myself to it.
When I transitioned careers from the arts to technology, for a year or so my (now ex-) wife made a little more than I did. She told me about it pretty often, and told other people about it all the time! It was if it was both a point of pride for her and, in her view and everyone else’s, a point of shame for me. I came to resent that quite a bit. After a couple years I was making twice what she did, but even still, money was a problem between us from then on.
Leggs
July 21st, 2010
11:06 am
@pr ~ not only do I think he’s the guilty party, but I also think she’s guilty as well. She’s having misgivings about all she’s done, so she’s the fool. If you’re uncomfortable helping out your SO, then don’t do it. Also, being uncomfortable lends me to think they’re not a match for each other anyway.
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
11:07 am
it is o.k. to allow your so to assist you sometimes.
Elijah my love, it is something I am truly working on and I do admit I have gotten better! Part of it though, is me not wanting him to take up the slack for my poor planning. If I had managed my money a little better, I would have been better prepared for emergencies. Gotta be ADULT about the situation. We talked about it though.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:08 am
But before that she had a song about a guy paying her Bills Bills Bills.
Carlito
If you listent to the words of that song, she is only asking him to pay the bills HE ran up
…now you been maxing out my cards, giving me bad credit buying me gifts with my own ends..haven’t paid the first bill but ya steady heading to the mall….and then you use my cell phone, calling whoever that you thinks at home…
I’m just saying
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
11:10 am
Leggs, they are both lost, IMO
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
11:10 am
seems to me its time for one of those “tough conversations”……be interesting to see if he avoids it……..
Grace
July 21st, 2010
11:12 am
she wants to solve the problem without losing it(him-relationship) you nailed it on the head.
CoolShadow
July 21st, 2010
11:12 am
Look at the obvious – living situation – home, apartment, living with roommates or family. Type & age of car driven or are they riding Marta. Expensive or bargain clothing and jewelry. Neighborhood they live in, fancy tv’s and furniture, college degree or GED, type of job they have. Do they eat out often or live on ramen noodles? What type of dates do they suggest? Concerts at Chastain and dinners at Bones or matinee movies and coffee?
Some people can “front” a lifestyle thus it might take a minute to figure that out, especially if you have a life and engage in other activities without them and they’re not always around. If they’re sustaining said lifestyle via credit and then start looking to you for support, it’s time to jet.
Conversely, there are people who have resources but choose to live a conservative lifestyle as it relates to materialism. A man/woman living with family at first glance may possibly be a turnoff until you discover that they moved in to help support a parent or family with hardships, not because of an inability to be self-sustaining.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
11:12 am
Princess, give me your credit card so I can buy you something and let me borrow your cell phone also. LOL, yep nothing wrong with her either. LOL Who does that? Dummies.
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
11:14 am
@Princess – lmao, exactly.
their my bills cause i was the one with the good credit to get the card, phone whatever, and now your running em all up. i dont know a ray-ray jones in pheonix, and i sure as he!! aint call him! i dont shop at big ‘n tall, so this shyt has got to be yours! wasnt asking for support, was asking u to cover your shyt.
2 different things.
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
11:16 am
Princess – You are so right about folks “faking it” and having you think they are balling when they are not. Not bragging, but I’m pretty good at deciphering fakers though. You have to be VERY observant. I also recognize “real” when it’s trying to be incognito.
Things have to add up and alot of times we get so caught up we miss the obvious.
abc
July 21st, 2010
11:17 am
Regarding family support, I’ve told my parents and hers that when the time comes they’re welcome at our house, but we aren’t moving into their place. Sorry, they’ll just have to clear out of the old homestead and deal with our world. Kind of a role reversal when contrasted with our childhoods. I have some friends that have moved back to their parents’ homes though, in order to take better care of them. It’s a sacrifice, but is the correct thing to do.
Lord knows when that time comes for me, I seriously doubt my own kids will step up! I hope it doesn’t come to that.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:17 am
Carlito,
I’m just saying LOL, maybe she didn’t give him the card maybe he “borrowed” it and the cell phone.
Leggs
July 21st, 2010
11:18 am
@PR ~ Tyrone and his friends would do that.
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 21st, 2010
11:19 am
I do have this one observation.
So, it was cool for her to *flash* her money, UNTIL he ASKED for some of it?
Sandra
July 21st, 2010
11:20 am
I see nothing wrong with buying a shirt or two as gifts around birthdays or holidays like Christmas. If she is talking about just going out buying the man clothes because he needs them, I don’t know about that. He wasn’t naked when she met him. I buy my boyfriend shirts on his birthday. Of course when we first started dating, he offerred me money that I was afraid to take because I hadn’t started sleeping with him and was trying to hold out until marriage. I think a loan isn’t that big of a deal. If my man wanted to borrow two hundred dollars, I would lend it to him in a minute. He has borrowed and paid me back. The key was I started borrowing first or he asked me to borrow instead of getting money from these check cashing folks. We make almost the same. I think I make a few hundred dollars more per week than he does but you wouldn’t know it. He manages his money much better than me and has a 19 year-old to take care of who just graduated from high school. I plan on making more in the future and he does too. I think you can tell if someone is trying to drain you or if they are committed to you and just needs some help.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:20 am
dont know a ray-ray jones in pheonix, and i sure as he!! aint call him!
Blue
CLASSIC
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
11:22 am
So what you all are saying is that women let guys ruin their credit by giving them access to their credit cards and bank accounts. LOL, that’s stupid.
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
11:22 am
A man/woman living with family at first glance may possibly be a turnoff until you discover that they moved in to help support a parent or family with hardships, not because of an inability to be self-sustaining.
Cool Shadow – This was true of one of the best educated and wealthiest guys I knew. His dad made good money too, but his mom had passed and his sister was ill on and off. He stayed with them until he moved out when he got married.
I like your whole post and you are absolutely right. What I’m saying is notice the surface, obvious stuff but then look BEYOND it. What you FIND is the information you need to make a good decision.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:24 am
So what you all are saying is that women let guys ruin their credit by giving them access to their credit cards and bank accounts
Carlito
Correction SOME WOMEN
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
11:26 am
I have missed out, I could have done a few things differently in the past. LOL
abc
July 21st, 2010
11:27 am
It seems to me that if a woman’s credit and bank balances get trashed by a man who either steals her cards, phone, etc. or one to whom she provides these things willingly, then she shows a serious lack of judgment and discernment. The man is a scumbag loser, for sure, but failure to recognize him as such is almost as big a failing.
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
11:28 am
@PR – that is true for some women – continute listening to teh song
You triflin’,good for nothing type of brother
Silly me,why haven’t I found another
but now why did she let him use all those things –
At first we started out real cool,(cool)
Taking me places i ain’tnever been
But now your getting comfortable
Ain’t doing those things that you did no more
Your slowly makin me pay for things
Your money should be handling
so he starts out holding up his end of the deal, and when it looks like he may need some help, shes willing to cause he was holding it up b4. now hes sitting back with is feet going girly got it, and shes done.
whoda thought a destinys child song mite have redemptive value……
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:29 am
Blue
yesssssssssss!
catlady
July 21st, 2010
11:31 am
Been there. Done that. Big mistake. Husband was a moocher and a chissler. Divorced after 18 years of it. Waited 14 years. Started seeing a man who did not like to spend my money but could get over his discomfort. I got tired of that. Now he does not ask.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:31 am
The man is a scumbag loser, for sure, but failure to recognize him as such is almost as big a failing.
@ abc, i agree, at some point those type of issues cannot be chalked up to “youth”, you a grown @zz man/woman know your worth.
Apollonia
July 21st, 2010
11:31 am
Okay – this conversation has really got me really appreciating my man right now.
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
11:35 am
Cool Shadow – Another thing I’m afraid of is someone that might be financing a lifestyle illegally. I’ve actually come across that a few times and once I got whiff of it had noting more to do with them. They weren’t living off any credit at all, but where you keep getting those big STACKS of money? Are you stealing, selling drugs, embezzeling, etc?
So I’m really not impressed with all your fancy possessions unless I’m reasonably sure you came about them honorably.
CoolShadow
July 21st, 2010
11:37 am
It seems to me that if a woman’s credit and bank balances get trashed by a man who either steals her cards, phone, etc. or one to whom she provides these things willingly, then she shows a serious lack of judgment and discernment.
That behavior usually smacks of a woman has low self-esteem and/or is afraid of being alone and extends her credit and resources as a means of acceptance and might even ignore red flags– until her credit is thrashed by him.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:38 am
So I’m really not impressed with all your fancy possessions unless I’m reasonably sure you came about them honorably.
Kimmie
AMEN! Not to mention that fast money mentality is a doozie to deal with.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
11:39 am
blue, she lacks good decision making skills. LOL
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
11:39 am
Apollonia – Not only appreciating my man, but appreciating our “partnership”. There is respect and no one is trying to take advantage of the other. So when one is truly in need of help, we got each other covered.
Grace
July 21st, 2010
11:40 am
@ Apollonia
Melo
July 21st, 2010
11:43 am
this conversation has really got me really appreciating my man right now
Apollonia??
coz u drowing in his mula,sponging off his money??
most women luv to spend men money.
CoolShadow
July 21st, 2010
11:45 am
@kimmie
Your 11:35 post makes a valid point. Not a good look to be recognized from being caught on surveillance tape rather than your Facebook page.
Jay
July 21st, 2010
11:48 am
What the hell is wrong with American women? They eat all day and a lot of them are as stout as linebackers. What is so attractive about a woman with 30″ thighs?
—
The heffer must not be his equal that is why she needs to do whatever he asks to retain the man. She dated way beyond her league.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:49 am
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
11:49 am
@PR – shes making the decision, in teh song anyway, “get the @#$% out”, lol
@kimmmie – good point. dont need presents from you, only to be arrested for receiving stolen goods.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
11:51 am
Romance with no finance is a nuisance. LOL
Broke people should date broke people, and there should be know intermingling of classes. broke for broke, entry level for entry level..etc LOL
abc
July 21st, 2010
11:52 am
America is getting fatter no matter the gender. Old Roy and Karen on the AJC front page this morning (actual paper, that is) look like a couple of oinkers. Great leadership — double and triple sized candidates is almost like getting 2 for the price of 1.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:53 am
Carlito!!!!!
OTC
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
11:53 am
blue, she should have caught it before it got out of hand. How can a man spot a gold digger so quickly then just relegate her to “sex only” for a fee but yet a woman misses out on a gold digging man and still falls in love then has to fall out of love. LOL, us men have this being used thing down to a science. HEY!! Is that my horse coming this way? LOL
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 21st, 2010
11:54 am
Co-sign blue730.
I have a friend of a friend whose boyfriend is into some activity that causes me to turn down any and every invitation to their house or to hang out with them period.
No use in me having to deal with legal fees because THEY got raided while I was at their cookout.
Apollonia
July 21st, 2010
11:55 am
coz u drowing in his mula,sponging off his money??
No, because like Kimmie said, “appreciating our “partnership”. There is respect and no one is trying to take advantage of the other. So when one is truly in need of help, we got each other covered
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:59 am
Carlito
don’t act like no dudes fall in love with gold digging women, come on son!
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
11:59 am
yet a woman misses out on a gold digging man and still falls in love then has to fall out of love.
Purple – A lot of people “play” blind to the obvious. That’s what happens when you compromise too much of yourself just to have a man, any piece of a man. Yeah, she’s got a “man” alright. She knew up front what she was getting into but now it’s “awkward”. It would have awkward from jump to me. That’s why I have a major problem respecting a man who would feel comfortable in that kind of situation.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:59 am
Lunch time! I’ll be back!
Leggs
July 21st, 2010
11:59 am
@PrincessNik ~ if the woman gives her boyfried her credit card and her cellphone, he didn’t ruin her credit, SHE DID!
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
12:01 pm
Leggs, 11:59 I could not have said it better. LOL, here take my horse for a spin. LOL
Princess, but men know what it is whens he is a gold digger and they don’t mind paying the fee, women act surprised. LOL