Help! I feel like a Sugar Mama
I received a question from a reader who has a little dating dilemma. Her new boyfriend makes significantly less money than she does. It did not seem to bother either of them in the beginning (most things don’t!) but as the relationship is progressing, things are becoming awkward.
She has already bought him clothes, paid for a vacation, and last week he asked her for a loan. It is making her feel like a “sugar mama” at this point. How does she handle this without ruining the relationship?
Is it a bad idea to lend money to the person you are dating? Do you think this type of thing alters the dynamics in how a man and woman relate to one another in a relationship?
Should you disclose the amount of money you are making to someone you have just started dating?
When do you bring up money?
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360 comments Add your comment
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:06 am
blue, LOL no problem I have said it all on here before. Did some time, got out got a degree and live a better life spiritually,mentally and financially than most who have never face any adversity…so what is their excuse? LOL
I did not know how much money my wife made until a few weeks after we got married, I never cared to ask. Money is not an issue as my job pays me really well, my wife knows I would not care if she worked or not. When we go out sometimes she stops me from paying and pays herself. We both like to shop for clothes and jewelry, and sometimes when we have been out and the total is up there she just pays
I pay the major bills, she does the minor, we both contribute to savings. What is mine is hers and I really believe what is hers is mine. Never been faced with a financial issue as of yet, if it were to come up I do not think that we would look down on each other.One day I just asked her how much is her salary and come to find out she makes more than me. Nothing changed, just in my mind I had an extra level of comfort because I know her spending and saving habits. Not the amount just the habits and her as a person. And she is mine all mine. LOL
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:09 am
Grace, another good point. If I am having sex with a woman I have no problem spending on her.
What women in her right mind would go on a vacation out of the country and not expect that they guy is going to want to have sex, no matter who pays for the trip?
Leggs
July 21st, 2010
10:10 am
Should you disclose the amount of money you are making to someone you have just started dating? Two words: HELL NO!
And, how long has this been a NEW boyfriend. Less than 6 months? Less than 3 months. Buying clothes, paid for vacation, etc. He’s a moocher who happens to need financial help and she’s there for him. She probably feels for him more than he feels for her.
@WD – is there a significant age gap?
Good morning everyone! I just laughed so hard I literally spit on my keyboard over an email about a poster and a cat! I was in a little funk, but this email pulled me right out! Hip Hip Cheerio…..
CoolShadow
July 21st, 2010
10:13 am
I have a question for the lady bloggers:
If you encounter an unemployed man who has an interest in you that lost his as a result of the recession, would you give him consideration assuming he basically met your other first glance criteria? Mind you, I’m talking about men who were productively working prior to being victimized by the economic meltdown and not trifling men who are actually looking for a Sugar Mama.
What would say/do about that scenario?
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
10:14 am
Nothing more sexy than a man doing what he got to do to make it. Nothing more trifling than a man sitting on his hands and allowing the women to do it
well spoken!
Hey ya’ll!
Luvbug
July 21st, 2010
10:14 am
Grace – Sex and money are two different currencies…unless you’re exchanging sex for money. Sex has a subjective value. You may decide that your sex (or sex in itself) is more valuable than money. Everybody may not agree with that.
How exactly should a woman rate the value of her sex…to avoid shame of course??
**This reads harsh, but I don’t mean it that way. I’m just trying to get your full take on it.
Teresa
July 21st, 2010
10:14 am
Why would a man ask a woman for money that he has just started a new relationship with?!!! Why would he even be comfortable accepting money from her?!!!! That’s why some men today are like Tyrese from the movie baby boy!!!!!! Girl I would not give him ISH!!!! I been down that road. That’s not your problem that he makes less money than you. YOU have to make the CHOICE to Fugg with that or NOT! Because later on TRUST it will BE and ISSUE! Most men I have dated made less than I, some felt all to comfortable accepting my dough and asking for loans that they NEVER paid back!!!! Then I had the dudes that felt some type of way accepting my dough. Point is know what you want! This situation could result in you feeling neglected and you will begin to resent the situation. Just sayin!
beentherestillhere
July 21st, 2010
10:15 am
abc, I like the way you think!!
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
10:15 am
You don’t loan money to SOs or family members; you give it to them, and if they give some back, fine. If you can’t give it freely, don’t give it at all, and don’t call it a loan
I had a teacher who always said if you can’t afford to lose it don’t loan it.
CoolShadow
July 21st, 2010
10:15 am
Correction: meant “lost his job”…
Leggs
July 21st, 2010
10:16 am
@beentherestillhere ~ HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
10:17 am
Good morning!
Very interesting discussion!
Dreams – To your question, it depends. Me personally a few things would factor in, and this is ME talking, not speaking for other women or the average woman. Have we been dating for awhile? I would not feel comfortable accepting it if it’s a new relationship, I don’t care if he’s balling like Jay Z and it’s a drop in the bucket to him. But if we’ve been together say a year, he knows I’m not banking like that, so okay. Not only would I have to feel comfortable leaving the country with him, I need time to come up with at least some spending money so I can at least pay for a meal, contribute something on the trip.
Be back with comments on the topic
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
10:21 am
@PR – whats the degree? will admit, the whole higher learning thing i find interesting, but just cant seem to commit to degree level time, lol.
@Cindy – agreed, times have changed. expecting/demanding that he take care of you seems just unrealistic, selfish, and where is your own self respect to take care of yourself.
now dont get me wrong, do expect you to maintain a decent financial stature, both to actually do what you need to do and to have an ambition to get past whatever is keeping back. but understand there are issues – sudden unemployment, illness, things like that. the military sent mr.blue home with some lovely parting gifts that have limited his employment abilities. for me, that doesnt mean that now hes unworthy cause he cant meet me halfway, its just time for me to pick up the load for a bit, because as PR said “What is mine is hers and I really believe what is hers is mine”
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:23 am
Leggs, how is he a moocher if she bought him clothes and did not ask for them and paid for them to go on a vacation that he did not ask her to go on? If I meet a woman and see something nice I buy it for her and I want to take her on a vacation, I just take her. I do not think that she is a moocher and it would not strike me as odd if I have shown her a lavish lifestyle and she thinks I may have some extra money then she asks me for a small loan. She is the woman I have been gifting, sleeping with and taking out town. Since I laid the ground work that I am spending money, who else would she ask first for money besides me. The woman in the case dug her own grave by setting the spending precedent, she can say no to the loan and she should have never been spending lavish on a budget if it is a problem. LOL
abc
July 21st, 2010
10:24 am
What’s mine is hers and what’s hers is hers. The last thing I’d ever do is let a woman support me. Man, that would be hard! I’d rather live under a bridge in a cardboard box.
Teresa
July 21st, 2010
10:24 am
@ Mrs Tazzee good points!!!!!
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
10:25 am
If you encounter an unemployed man who has an interest in you that lost his as a result of the recession, would you give him consideration assuming he basically met your other first glance criteria?
CoolShadow
I would have to think long and hard about that one, simply because I’ve learned that a man who is worth his weight is not confident when he does not have the means to provide.
I hope that makes sense.
abc
July 21st, 2010
10:26 am
And seriously, per the couple described by the topic, that relationship might as well already be over. She feels like a sugar mama, that means she doesn’t have respect for him. She needs a man of a different type, and he needs a woman of a different type.
Leggs
July 21st, 2010
10:26 am
PR, we don’t know if he asked her or not. He could have put a guilt trip on her where she felt she should buy the clothes….moocher!
Natalia
July 21st, 2010
10:26 am
I don’t think he should have asked her for a loan, that alone puts them both in an awkward situation. Also, she needs to ask herself, does she want to live her life supoorting this man, because it’s leaning that way already. Eventually she will start to feel used, trust me I’ve been there!
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:27 am
blue,B.S. in Mechanical Engineering
Leggs
July 21st, 2010
10:27 am
Exactly, abc!
Leggs
July 21st, 2010
10:28 am
They will be arguing about money very soon if they aren’t already.
Grace
July 21st, 2010
10:29 am
Luvbug a woman/man should value their body/sex as pricless as it is. You should be as protective with your body as you’re protective with your bank account pocketbook wallet, cell phone, iphone etc etc. Somehow somewhere things have been turned around.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:30 am
Leggs, exactly we don’t know so why do you think he is the guilty party? The guy was working doing his thing and she started doing the extra spending. If he did not have a job I would think he was a moocher. I think she is trying to “upgrade” him to her standards and now has seen the error of her ways or she has met some other guy who has more money and is trying to get with her and she is looking for a reason to leave the blue collar guy alone. She is simple and very dumb, IMO because she DUG her own grave, even if he did ask she should have been woman enough to say “NO” if she felt she could not tell him “NO” and had to spend on him she is even more dumb and she has a long road ahead.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
10:32 am
Carlito,
you are goin in on ole girl today
I’m just waiting for you to say
“she ought not have started spending”
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:33 am
Save before you spend, have a minimum of 3 years worth of bills saved up. It is not that hard to do, IMO. Base everything off of one income, do not give what you can not stand to lose to anyone and always have a backup plan, keep your resume updated.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:37 am
Princess, lol I should have said that. LOL. Some are saying the guy is in the wrong, If she would not have started spending, it would not have been an issue. She could have not bought clothes, she could have said no to a loan. She has a pattern of doing stuff for this guy whether he asked her to or not. She paid for a vacation, who does that? Was it someone she wanted to go and did not want to go by herself so she paid his way? It is funny to me how a woman can be all into a man, then some problem arises and he is now the bad guy, she laid down with him, she bought him “GIFTS” and she is still with him. But yet he is the bad guy, he must be doing something right to have her doing all of that stuff, sending a topic to Wise Diva and still with the guy pondering what she should do. She needs to grow up and be a responsible adult and stop trying to “buy” a man.
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
10:39 am
simply because I’ve learned that a man who is worth his weight is not confident when he does not have the means to provide.
Princess – I’ve learned this too.
I cannot respect a man that is too “comfortable” in a situation such as Wise’s friend. Just as I’m so not comfortable if it were me and the situation were reversed. Unless it’s a bday or Christmas gift or we were married, I’m not comfortable with a guy buying me clothes like he’s gotta take me “back to school” shopping or something!LOL! I’m a grown woman and can buy my own clothes. If I’m broke but need an interview suit or a dress for a special occasion, I know how to hustle, find bargains, go to consignment shops.
It’s a pride thing and maybe my pride is to my detriment, I don’t know. But borrowing from my man is the absolute last resort. Just recently I had some unexpected expenses come up at home. I’ve been bringing my lunch and hustling the last month and I’m finally out of the woods. Although I know my man would help me, I’ve taken care of it on my own. I expect any MAN I deal with to be the same way.
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
10:40 am
@PR – interesting study. silly me over here, finished my course to get my MCSE, cant get the guts to take the cert exam, i can be a big woosie sometimes…..lol
@CoolShadow – id have to think on that, guess partly it would depend on his level of ambition to find something new now that he’d been laid off.
@abc – agreed. that lack of respect, from either side, is a killer. doesnt sound like either of them have much respect for the other….
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:41 am
If I am dating you, I am not buying you a car, I am not paying your bills. I may buy you some groceries if we are at the point when we are intimate, I will even keep your car washed and grass cut. But if you open your mouth to “ask” me for some money, I will start to end the dating. If I get you “gifts” those are just gifts, I expect nothing back from her.
MusingLee
July 21st, 2010
10:41 am
Morning All,
I would never ask to borrow money from some chick I’m dating. My wife makes more than I do and I still don’t ask her for anything.
Mrs. Musing: Baby why don’t we go shopping and get you some new shorts?
Musing: What are you talking about? I’ve had these pants for 3 years!
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:42 am
kimmie,
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:44 am
Who sent the topic in? It says a reader.
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
10:44 am
If I get you “gifts” those are just gifts, I expect nothing back from her
Carlito, that’s how I feel also.
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
10:49 am
I don’t think you have to have “the talk” to gauge how much a person makes when dating. Point-blank finance talk should be had only if you are about to shack or get married. Before that there are ways you can gauge not only the range of money one might be making, but how they are managing it.
Look at the obvious – living situation – home, apartment, living with roommates or family. Type & age of car driven or are they riding Marta. Expensive or bargain clothing and jewelry. Neighborhood they live in, fancy tv’s and furniture, college degree or GED, type of job they have. Do they eat out often or live on ramen noodles? What type of dates do they suggest? Concerts at Chastain and dinners at Bones or matinee movies and coffee?
Of course there are exceptions – they could have inherited money or jewelry and they may have a fancy car but it’s paid for, etc.
If one is observant and listens to their head and not the heart so much, they can find out quite a bit and have few surprises.
Melo
July 21st, 2010
10:52 am
@Grace…she gave him money and bought him clothes coz the johnson was daaaamn good!
No woman buys a man clothes unless they are getting flipped right and their brains are in a maze.
@Dreams…yeah,she aint a sugar mama at all. Shes just an average woman whose man is handling hiz damn bizz in the bed. Thats standard behavior there from a woman who has (hopefully) temporarily,lost her daamn mind.
Morning folks!
Grace
July 21st, 2010
10:52 am
Purple if i ask you to buy me a car, you’re going to buy me a car! sugadaddy
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:54 am
Grace, yes a Hot Wheels Car that is on sale at Target for $0.99
Grace
July 21st, 2010
10:55 am
Melo that johnson might have been good but not good enough to keep paying for
Grace
July 21st, 2010
10:57 am
Purple will it be rolling on dubs??
RT
July 21st, 2010
10:57 am
This is why younger men and older women or “cougars” if you like – should have sex but not date!
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:58 am
She has tasted a new johnson with cash benefits and needs to get rid of the old johnson that she has been spending on. LOL
The same thing you did to get a person will be the same thing you have to do to keep them. LOL
blue-7/30
July 21st, 2010
10:58 am
i love hot wheels!!!!
i like the little tiny monster trucks, lol….
alrite, we are in the office, you’re wearing headphones, i should not be able to hear your music from 3 cubes away. and i dont like country
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
10:59 am
Grace, it will have all of the accessories that is included in the $0.99 price. LOL
PrincessNik..0727 'bout dat time
July 21st, 2010
11:00 am
Look at the obvious – living situation – home, apartment, living with roommates or family. Type & age of car driven or are they riding Marta. Expensive or bargain clothing and jewelry. Neighborhood they live in, fancy tv’s and furniture, college degree or GED, type of job they have. Do they eat out often or live on ramen noodles? What type of dates do they suggest? Concerts at Chastain and dinners at Bones or matinee movies and coffee?
Kimmie
What you said is true, but at the same time, some people live above their means and have you thinking they are “balling” when they are swimming in debt. On the flipside, you might think someone is making little money, but they just believe in living within or below their means.
Elijah ( Today is a good day!)
July 21st, 2010
11:01 am
Good Morning Everybody!
It is hot out here,yes it tis.
I agree with most of the comments oh girl either has done this before or he hit it real good. Men should always be prepared financially when dating. If you are not prepared spend time trying to get prepared. Try to build up reserves for bills and dating.
Mr. PurpleRain why in all your post you got to have sex with the lady first before you give something to her? If she does not give you sex on the first or 2 date will you not pay for the date?
Kimmie sweet beautiful sista, it is o.k. to allow your so to assist you sometimes. See, I would pay close attention to what you might need, I can assist your stubborn self. I know you have a lot of pride but because I believe you would give me some much it would be my pleasure to put a smile on your beautiful face.
kimmie
July 21st, 2010
11:02 am
In the topic story, if it were me, – I don’t “dress” grown men, “take” them on vacations and unless we’re in line at the store and you are $5 short until we get home my name is not Wachovia.
Money is a sensitive issue. Some people associate it with power. I’ve dated where I made more than the guy, but we still did it within his means, where we both felt comfortable with what was being shared. It’s uncomfortable expecting one party to live a SIGNIFICANTLY different lifestyle in order to date the other, whether it means living the high life or scraping the bottom of the barrel. That’s where issues of power start coming into play.
Purple Rain
July 21st, 2010
11:02 am
The Beyonce song “Upgrade You”, it was cool to upgrade a guy when it was out. LOL But before that she had a song about a guy paying her Bills Bills Bills. LOL
Melo
July 21st, 2010
11:04 am
How does she handle this without ruining the relationship?
@Grace…that johnson might have been good but not good enough to keep paying for
but see how the johnson is wrecking her brains apart….she wants to solve the problem without losing it(him-relationship)
the man is still the same man she got,the only problem is he has a good dycck.
The man shld do nothing in my view.. he shld continue maintaining his lyfe on his own terms…..the way he was be4 she czme on the scene…
I applaud him,at least he has a skill even tho its not apparent to the naked eye of every woman except the one he is laying with.
Good dizzle counts for something!