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Help! I feel like a Sugar Mama

I received a question from a reader who has a little dating dilemma.  Her new boyfriend makes significantly less money than she does.   It did not seem to bother either of them in the beginning (most things don’t!) but as the relationship is progressing, things are becoming awkward.

She has already bought him clothes, paid for a vacation, and last week he asked her for a loan.  It is making her feel like a “sugar mama” at this point.  How does she handle this without ruining the relationship?

Is it a bad idea to lend money to the person you are dating? Do you think this type of thing alters the dynamics in how a man and woman relate to one another in a relationship?

Should you disclose the amount of money you are making to someone you have just started dating?

When do you bring up money?

360 comments Add your comment

Wise Diva

July 21st, 2010
8:30 am

Good morning! It’s Hump Day! I can see the weekend nearing yes! :)

gourmetcook

July 21st, 2010
8:36 am

Never , ever, ever loan money to anyone and especially family or someone you date. I’d say this relationship probably won’t last for the long run unless he steps up his game. Shame on him for asking his girlfriend for a personal loan. Red flags all over this relationship.
Happy Hump Day!!

Foolproofdiva

July 21st, 2010
8:39 am

Hmm… Does she watch any judge shows? LOL I’m just sayin, when it comes to “lending” money to a girlfriend or boyfriend you have to distinguish between gifts and loans. And if they are loans there needs to be a contract of some sort. You bring money up when it becomes an issue, in this case it is an issue… Who was providing for him before she started dating him?
I think she can handle this by telling him, “Hey I’m really feeling you but when it comes to my finances I’m about business and I hope you can respect that.” I don’t think you should disclose how much money you do or do not have when you’re dating. And yes this definitely alters the dynamics in the relationship.

2CPTG©----nobody's cake daddy!

July 21st, 2010
8:42 am

Mornin y’all

Wait a second…..this happens all the time; Except it’s usually the other way around – with dudes being the one on the giving end. The operative words in your post, Diva, is this, “Her new boyfriend makes significantly less money than she does.” SIGNIFICANTLY….sounds to me like she’s white collar, while he’s just barely makin it…She’s the one who’s gotta put a stop to the hand-outs; if not, dude gon’ drain her dry…

East Point's Own

July 21st, 2010
8:46 am

It may be too late for this relationship, she should have never gone down that path. I don’t disclose my income or my financial situation beyond what types of dates I am willing to finance to anyone until we are far down the road into a relationship… Sure you want to help the person you think you may love, but you have to resist the urge to go farther than you should too soon.

I have something new for you guys… click here http://fcinf.com/v/bkbr to help me measure how many people I can reach via the internet that’s all you have to do… then you can read about the project and determine if you want to participate.

SexyCool

July 21st, 2010
8:48 am

A man *borrowing* money from his woman has different connotations than a women getting money from her dude. Unfortunately.

today

July 21st, 2010
8:48 am

@Wise what happen to yesterdays’ topic? I dont see it. Thanks

anonymousella

July 21st, 2010
8:51 am

ooh. been there. done that. didn’t end well. i grew to resent him because i always had to come out of my pockets when this fool really needed to stop doing stupid s##t with his own. why did you loan $20 to your broke a## friend when you’re broke and then gotta come ask me for money? lost so much respect for him because he just wasn’t responsible with his cash and i couldn’t afford to support two people on one small salary.

i think she should start saying “no.” i can almost understand vacations. a hotel room for two is the same as a hotel for one. and you want to share the experience with someone you love. but buying clothes? loaning money? no. what is he doing with his cash that he can’t buy an outfit and has to come borrow?

dude should kick rocks. in some kicks he bought himself.

yeahyeahyeah

July 21st, 2010
9:00 am

boy these women have really flipped the double standards around on us guys. they want equality; they got it. they want good jobs; they got them. they want to wear the pants in the relationship; they got it. but don’t ask them to hold up their end of the bargain that comes with all this power and responsibility. they don’t want the bad stuff that men have been putting up with from women since the beginning of time, just the good stuff.

East Point's Own

July 21st, 2010
9:02 am

When is it ok to ask your date/mate for money? I mean I feel as if you should go to family & friends before you hit up a person you have been dating for only a few weeks or maybe less than 8-12 months…

http://hispointofview.com/2010/07/whats-yourmy-level-of-influence-online/

Friend or S.O...doesn't matter...

July 21st, 2010
9:08 am

…you should not be loaning money to anyone unless it is a pure business relationship. Be like Mike – just say NO!

blue-7/30

July 21st, 2010
9:08 am

GM all.

@anonymousella – here here. resentment builds this way, unfortunately. if we are both contributing financially to this reslationship, relative to how much we can afford, fine. if i wanna do red lobster and you can only afford applebees on special, so be it, but at least pay for applebees on special, and i’ll pay for red lobster. dont leave me to pay for both. and if it becomes obvious your just down right irresponsible with your money, oh he!! no.
IMO we dont need to start discussing financial particulars until we are talking some kind of commitment, we’re moving in, sharing bills, getting married – that kind of stuff. we still have independant households, dont see a need for you to know how much i make. either i can afford it or i cant, and thats as far as we need go. just leads to one or the other of us deciding how much of the others money they can “help” spend.

@Sexy – agreed. seems man borrows money from woman, its just that, borrowed. dont expect anything special because of it, and i said id pay it back, most likely didnt say when. woman borrows money from man, he agrees thinking now shes obligated to do the naughty. IMO

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2010
9:10 am

That is her fault, she from the story that is posted she knew his bank account was not up to par when she started dating him. Now it’s an issue all of a sudden? She should have never compromised from the start. Has her standard changed from when she first started dating him? Was she lonely and sacrificed her standards just to have a man and now she has realized that this man is not up to one of her standards? Better to be lonely than with the a person in which you saw a “flaw” (in your mind) from the start. LOL, silly lady you dug your own grave by even entering a relationship with a guy of which whom is not meeting your financial needs for HIMSELF. LOL

DreamsMaterialize

July 21st, 2010
9:14 am

Morning
If she was really a sugar mama, she wouldn’t be loaning him money, she’d be giving it to him. lol Dude shouldn’t be asking his girl for money, and chicks shouldn’t be asking their guys for money. We’re all grown and should be supporting ourselves. Now, Wise we need a few more details. Is old girl always wanting to do expensive activities she knows dude can’t afford? Did she buy him new clothes because SHE (not he) was disatisfied with the ones he had?

Mrs. Tazzee

July 21st, 2010
9:16 am

dude should kick rocks. in some kicks he bought himself. :lol:

So true.

I think she got caught up with trying to prove she’s NOT a gold digger; trying to prove she can date a ‘good man’ that doesn’t make a bunch of money. Been there, done that…

Unfortunately I think that if she starts saying no now, he’s going to flip the script on her and try to make her feel like she’s not ‘ride or die.’

Yes, it is a bad idea to lend money to someone in a dating relationship. I don’t think it should be done by either sex, so stop with all the double standard BS.

I don’t believe in disclosing the amount of money I’m making early in a relationship. But if someone flat out asks, I tell them.

I think money should be brought up when needed. It varies in a relationship. It might come up when you decide to do something expensive together like go on vacation. Or it might not come up until you become exclusive and you start talking about building a life together.

Lurks

July 21st, 2010
9:16 am

She has already bought him clothes, paid for a vacation, and last week he asked her for a loan. It is making her feel like a “sugar mama” at this point. How does she handle this without ruining the relationship

She needs to close the purse and show him how she does it. If he can’t go or be white collar, he needs to learn how to get his hustle on. Nothing more sexy than a man doing what he got to do to make it. Nothing more trifling than a man sitting on his hands and allowing the women to do it. I can’t do it.

yeahyeahyeahbut don’t ask them to hold up their end of the bargain that comes with all this power and responsibility. they don’t want the bad stuff that men have been putting up with from women since the beginning of time, just the good stuff.

Whatchu mean? It’s not a woman’s “responsibility to take care of and carry some dude. “Hold up their end?” Hold up my end means taking care of me and my household. Heck he ain’t even her husband. So there’s no such thing, especially in this case of holding up her end.

abc

July 21st, 2010
9:21 am

Money is an issue for her if she thinks it is, and she evidently already thinks it is, so there you are.

You don’t loan money to SOs or family members; you give it to them, and if they give some back, fine. If you can’t give it freely, don’t give it at all, and don’t call it a loan. That goes for men and women alike.

If someone you’re newly dating asks you how much money you make and you don’t want to tell them, that in itself tells you that money could very well be a problem between you and that person — whether you don’t want to tell them because it’s more or less than you think they make, or whether you think they’re asking as part of a qualification quiz — and whether you’re male or female.

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2010
9:22 am

I do not think you should lend money to anyone you are dating. I also think that you should not lend money unless you are a bank. Do lend anything that you expect to get back. Only if you can stand not getting it back should you lend it. In the initial phase of dating, by the persons job you should have an idea of how much they make no need for exact amounts until you get really serious. Id someone asked me upon first meeting I would think that they had ulterior motives. If you buy clothes or gifts for someone you are dating that is just what it is, a generous act and you should not EXPECT it to be done in return. Even later down the road, those thing were done from the heart, not something to be held over the persons you are dating’s head. She paid for a vacation, did they have to go right then could he have not saved some money to go later? I would not go on a vacation and not contribute if in fact I did not pay for the whole trip. A fool and his/her money are soon parted. It sounds like we are not getting the full story, maybe there are some other issues that highlighted the financial standings. He was good enough for her in the beginning, did she think he was going to get a raise or promotion or something? LOL

Kimmy

July 21st, 2010
9:23 am

Hi,

I don’t think people should bring up money until they are either getting married or going to live together. Prior to that it should be a combined effort paying for things. I you enjoy things that cost a lot of money and care about the person why are you keeping a box of reciepts?

Angel

July 21st, 2010
9:26 am

Unless this guy is a significant other I don’t advise releasing information such as amount of income, or spending a lot of money on that individual as well. How would you know where this person’s heart is if your consistently buying things for him? Whatever happened to chivalry? Have all men gone soft?

blue-7/30

July 21st, 2010
9:26 am

theres a difference between i cant do all the expensive things you may wanna do and i need you to help me support myself. how was he handling all this stuff b4 she came along?
@PR – she knew his bank account was not up to par when she started dating him – maybe so, doesnt mean tho that at some point he isnt just taking advantage.
oh, and melo did not deliver your message yesterday, lol
@Dreams – lol. that is true tho. suga mama wouldnt expect the money back, just some suga ,lol
@Lurks – Nothing more sexy than a man doing what he got to do to make it. Nothing more trifling than a man sitting on his hands and allowing the women to do it. ^5

Apollonia

July 21st, 2010
9:27 am

A man/woman that does not work does not eat – let alone get vacations – SMH

YUP, I said it!

July 21st, 2010
9:28 am

Yes, that is one sure way to end a relationship QUICKLY…start loaning money out. You can’t help but to have less respect for them- especially if you’re not in a position to loan in out in the first place.

I can see if you were dating and then suddenly he/she lost his job and needs a little help or the car breaks down, or an unexpected emergency happens and a little financial cushion may be needed. Then MAYBE you might get a pass….but to loan money just for the sake of loaning it unecessarily? He/She will definitely be back to ask you again, since you were so easily willing to part with the cash. This is never a win-win situation.

Nah…cain’t do it…I just CAIN’T!

As granny used to say, “Never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing”.

Grace

July 21st, 2010
9:28 am

My one question is are they physically involved? It’s funny how we place money over our bodies and then complain and make a big deal when someone asks us for help but we can lay down with them so easily. Maybe I got it all wrong here.

Cindy

July 21st, 2010
9:30 am

Here’s my take: In today’s economy, more women than men are bringing in the bucks and jobs are still very difficult to come by. However, how long have these two been dating? Are they living together? Where do they see this going? These are questions that must be answered before money should be exchanged or given. And frankly, she needs to say something. Resenting someone is only the fault of the person doing the resenting. She has a choice: she can speak up and say that she’s uncomfortable, or she can chose to keep letting herself feel used. If she can’t talk with him about this due to lack of comfort or something, then this relationship isn’t worth keeping. But think about it–He may have no clue as to how she feels! Or, what if he’s got a brilliant idea, business plan, etc, and needs that loan money to show her that he’s on the verge of something great? We always have to try to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes before making up our minds. She just needs to speak up and be honest; tell him that she’s feeling used and that she cares for him and doesn’t want to resent him. Ask him if he has any plans for making more money. And if they’re living together, she may have to realize that she has to boot him out (maybe get a roommate if need be) for the time being. (This doesn’t mean break up, but rather get out of each other’s hair.) It stinks, but I think it could help.

Luvbug

July 21st, 2010
9:35 am

If you are not comfortable providing loans to friends or partners, don’t do so. Now how you communicate it is up to you. I am comfortable just saying no. Some may say no and give an explanation to soften the blow.

Lucinda

July 21st, 2010
9:35 am

Why would you disclose the amount of money you earn to somebody you just started dating? There are many, many other things that are more important, like learning about the person’s character. You can usually guesstimate what somebody’s income looks like based on the type of work they do. I’m always wary of somebody who drives too nice of a car, or who has too much stuff based on the work. It smells to me like somebody with a lot of debt and not very fiscally responsible.

If the relationship is becoming serious, then yes of course you have to talk about money. If I’m considering marriage, I want to see a credit report (and you can see mine), and whatever money you have in the bank, 401K, etc. It’s basic due diligence so I know what I’m stepping into.

As for Sugar Mama, if she’s feeling put upon, she needs to stop lending dude money and TALK TO HIM about it.

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2010
9:35 am

blue, she knew his job standing she should not allow herself to be used. LOL. If he has the same job and no money how in the world can she expect to lend him money and he pay it back? Where is the influx of cash going to come from to payback what she loaned him. They both are at fault, he should have never asked and she should have never gave. Is she one of those “helper captain save him” types that just give? He probably got comfortable with her giving. LOL They should have never entered a relationship with each not due to him making less money, but because they did not have a plan. Does anyone here think she carries some fault for even paying for a vacation and “loaning” money?

Grace, good point.

M. (pronouced M dot)

July 21st, 2010
9:36 am

“Should you disclose the amount of money you are making to someone you have just started dating?

When do you bring up money?”

Good day. I absolutely think you should NOT disclose your earnings to someone you are dating. Dating is not a legally binding agreement at all. You are working, I am working, lets leave it at that. Why do we need to disclose figures? If I am not on the street, know that I am good. You never bring up money unless you guys are serious and moving to the marriage level. If he is able to take you out and keep his lights on, what is it to you then?

Reasons guys should not reveal earnings:

1. You don’t want to turn into a Captain save a ______! Take off your cape!
If she was making it before you came along, what changes now?
We aren’t here to be sponsors!

2. The dynamics may change either way and not in your favor. If you make a lot, then she may want to start getting in your pockets. If you don’t make a lot, she will subconsciously lose respect for you and may end up leaving anyway, EVEN if she says the money does not matter. Trust me it does!

3. It can put you in a dangerous situation. What if things grow sour and she gains contempt for you and gets you set up and robbed? It can happen! She knows your business!

Reasons women should not reveal earnings:

1. It will make you look like you are ready to spend. Why are you revealing your earnings? I know you want to look independent but you don’t have to tell your business.

2. It could also scare off the guy in the relationship if he makes less. You may chip at his self esteem.

3. It could cause conflict when your dollars are up and his are down. You going on another vacation? Getting this or that? Static!

SlimOne

July 21st, 2010
9:36 am

Hiya folks….check back in a little later. :-)

Apollonia

July 21st, 2010
9:37 am

Wait – she might be the one trying to floss in front her friends, dressing dude up like a ken doll, I’m sure it’s not all him. The story does not sound like a relationship built on mutal respect and someone just needing a little help. It sounds like she is trying to make someone fit into her lifestyle.

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2010
9:38 am

Would you feel more comfortable giving a person a money or giving them your “body”? Grace, I like where you took the topic. Some will give up the “goods” but not the money very quickly. LOL

Who are all of these new bloggers?

blue, what message?

blue-7/30

July 21st, 2010
9:44 am

@Apollonia – it sounds to me too like she is trying to show him off or revamp him, as PR said “helper captain save him”. maybe hes more of a project than a date and she’s ready to put him in the garage and find a new hobby? thats why now the spending is bothering her when it wasnt b4
@PR – how she expects him to pay it back, good question. i agree both at fault here. with her vacations and all she has led him to beleive this is how their relationship is, he asks or looks longingly at and she pays. but again, at some point, isnt he just taking advantage?

DreamsMaterialize

July 21st, 2010
9:44 am

So, ladies, say you start dating a guy who makes much more than you. He likes to travel often, and he wants to do a two week trip to the Mediterranean, stay in an exclusive villa, the whole nine. You KNOW this is not within your means. You tell him this, and he says “Don’t worry. I got you.” Do you decline?

Lucinda

July 21st, 2010
9:44 am

I’m not dating anybody who can’t handle their own financially. And don’t ever come to me with the “I got a buisness idea” line. If you do, go to a bank and get a loan. I’m not an ATM. Been there, done that. Makes one lose all respect for the dude. You need some money? 1. Get a job. Even a crappy job is better than no job. 2. Get your hustle on. Do what you need to do.

CoolShadow

July 21st, 2010
9:45 am

She has already bought him clothes, paid for a vacation, and last week he asked her for a loan. It is making her feel like a “sugar mama” at this point. How does she handle this without ruining the relationship?

@Wise Diva – do you know at what point that the reader started feeling like a Sugar Mama? Was it when he asked for the loan? She needs to assess his trustworthiness to pay her back and if she can’t come to that point she shouldn’t do it—assuming that she even make loans. There are people who have a zero loan policy.

Is it a bad idea to lend money to the person you are dating? Do you think this type of thing alters the dynamics in how a man and woman relate to one another in a relationship?

It depends on your philosophy of money lending and the reliability of the borrower. Loaning money becomes a problem when the borrower fails to repay the loan, but that could potentially damage or end any relationship.

Should you disclose the amount of money you are making to someone you have just started dating?

Only if you want to date them really bad enough to submit a financial statement. :)

Grace

July 21st, 2010
9:45 am

Purple Rain, it’s a sad shame when money is place on a higher platform than our body. If she knew the guy made significantly less money than she did, why even go there with him in the first place??

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2010
9:49 am

Dreams, good question. I think a woman would still go on the trip. LOL

Lucinda, the guy she is dating has a job, it just not pay enough “for her”, according to her :)

See what happens when you settle? LOL

abc

July 21st, 2010
9:52 am

I never felt that I needed to hide my income from people. While it’s among the top 10%, I saw no risk of becoming some chick’s financial savior based on my income alone. I always thought it was very telling that they would ask. I never ask anyone about their income, no matter who they are. It never leads to a positive result: the one who makes more will feel a bit awkward about it due to the one who makes less feeling a bit resentful about it. Nobody is ever okay with the answers, so I never ask — but if someone asks me (and we’re not at work or co-workers) then generally, I’ll just tell them.

Short version: asking somebody how much they make is a clod’s move. Polite people don’t ask. Impolite people and clods are removed from dating potential.

Grace

July 21st, 2010
9:52 am

continue-if she knew he could not afford the lifestyle she lived why date him? Somethings are simple. If you’re okay with dating a person who is not on the same financial boat as you are go for it, but know full well that there maybe many many many times you will be footing the bill alone, if you have a problem with it then simply don’t date em.

blue-7/30

July 21st, 2010
9:52 am

@Grace – good point. gota wonder about a womans priorities if the naughty is a no brainer, and a loan makes her think twice.
@PR – i was wondering who all these folks were too. figured being fairly knew myslf i just needed to catch up, lol
message, from yestereday our convo about eligibility to vote. will admit, your statement caught me off guard, but you make good jokes, so you cant be all bad, lol

Grace

July 21st, 2010
9:52 am

Dreams I would go on the trip.

Cindy

July 21st, 2010
9:53 am

@DreamsMaterialize: Exactly.

I feel like we don’t have all of the facts here. We’re only seeing one side! And, really, ladies? I get the feeling that a lot of you would still expect the man to take care of the two of you even if he were in a lesser financial position. Or you wouldn’t even look twice at someone if he makes less than a certain figure. Is this why women claim that they can’t find any good men? What year are we living in? Times have changed. Men supported women for so long (I know, I know–not really in our control), don’t you think that maybe it’s now our turn to help out? Or are we still in a 1950’s mindset…

Purple Rain

July 21st, 2010
9:54 am

Grace, that is a shame.

Lucinda

July 21st, 2010
9:55 am

@Dreams Depends on what the expected exchange is. What does he really want from me?

Now you know we’re going to get into the ‘double standard’ discussion, but at the end of the day, men have historically been the providers, most men WANT to be the providers, and expecting ‘equality’ in financial matters doesn’t really work out in the real world. A woman carrying a man long term creates problems, probably because he feels badly about it, no matter how much he says otherwise. She will resent it too.

Grace

July 21st, 2010
9:55 am

most men= if i’m getting the booty i have no problem giving you some money.

DreamsMaterialize

July 21st, 2010
9:56 am

but know full well that there maybe many many many times you will be footing the bill alone, if you have a problem with it then simply don’t date em.
Then guys would almost never date. lol

Dreams I would go on the trip.
So, it shouldn’t be a problem that the guy in Wise’s story went right?

beentherestillhere

July 21st, 2010
9:58 am

I’ve been where she’s at. Our 1st date (Out Back) he forgot his wallet, I paid. I didn’t think much about it at the time. He wanted to purchace a 76 TransAm that was sitting in the middle of a field and needed $500.00, so I loaned it to him. My Grandmother died in Texas, so I had to purchase two tickets, because he said he was going too. He didn’t have anything to wear to a funeral, so I when we arrived in Texas, our 1st stop was a Western shop. I must say he looked dashing in his western Jacket and cowboy boots. My kin fell in love with him. Such a charmer!! Anyway, we have been Married today 15 years and I am 1/2 owner of a beautiful restored 1976 white & red TransAm, that he restored his self, 4 wonderful grown Children & 6 darlin Grandchildren. Yep, it all worked it self out. I guess the love over rules money every time as long as God is the leader of your lives.

blue-7/30

July 21st, 2010
9:59 am

@Dreams – id go. i was up front about what i can afford, you made your decision. lets go. but theres a difference between he invites you knowing your financial constraints, and me asking/telling him to take me to the Mediteranean (is that spelld right? lol). one im accepting a generous offer, two im jus ttaking advantage. if she had offered the loan rather than him asking, i think most women would see a difference.
also, would not allow him to get extra “payment for it”. i think most women feel that pressure when dealing with men, the reason Sexy mentioned there being different connotations depending on who was carrying who. if we werent on that level b4 the vaca, dont think now cause you footed the bill we’ve made that leap.

abc

July 21st, 2010
9:59 am

That’s what I was going to say, DM — lots of chicks will get suspicious of a guy who offers an all-expenses-paid couple of weeks in an exotic locale. They’ll think that you want them to be like a paid companion. Better to keep the trips smaller and less expensive, especially if she has determination to pay for her end by herself.

That’ll backfire, though. Men display affection by giving gifts and providing things like that. If you don’t let him do it, he’ll find someone who will.