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Do men avoid tough conversations?

Hello everyone! I hope your weekend was wonderful. Mine was super busy and super fun. I had a really great time at the National Black Arts Festival (NBAF) this weekend. It was a weekend packed with music, art, food, and all the great things that make Atlanta so great!

I even managed to squeeze in a date with Ben, a guy I met last month at the airport. It’s like the 3rd time I’ve met a guy in the airport, oddly enough. Maybe I should hang out there even when I’m not flying!

The date went really well and the conversation was very engaging. We got on the subject of relationships and why they seem so hard to keep. Ben mentioned how a lot of women think that men don’t like or want to communicate. He said the reality is that some men love to talk but they aren’t at all comfortable with accusatory, emotional, or intense conversations.

Apparently women are fans of these types of conversations. Guys hear the dreaded, “We have to talk” and their eyes glaze over and they sort of check out altogether. I thought about a statement someone made during the taping of ABC Nightline ’s Face Off: Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find a Man .

The advice was that women should really make an effort to talk to when they are calm and in control of their emotions. The reasoning was that you would be able to discuss the issue you are having with him without coming across as nagging or irate. A lot of women have issues with discussing a topic they are passionate (read: ticked off) about.

Ben agreed with that sentiment and said that many people don’t have problems finding mates, they have issues keeping one. It’s mostly because we aren’t able to talk to one another effectively.

Has this been your experience too? Has communicating and resolving conflict proved to be harder than you thought in a relationship? How do you handle it?

Men, what is the best way to approach you when we feel upset, hurt, or disappointed ? Someone else at the show suggested that we take you to your favorite sports bar and discuss it over a beer.

I don’t know about that one. Could that actually be effective? Are men more comfortable talking to when they are in familiar surroundings? If more effort is made putting you at ease, would you be more inclined to hear us out?

320 comments Add your comment

Wise Diva

July 19th, 2010
8:08 am

Good morning! Happy Monday :)

YESSHEISCUTE

July 19th, 2010
8:41 am

I guess I could see that. If you come across as nagging they automatically shut you out. If you come of matter of fact or sound like hey babe bla bla bla like you are just having a normal conversation they are more receptive to it…..

SlimOne

July 19th, 2010
9:03 am

Happy Mundane Monday! (lurking for now)

East Point's Own

July 19th, 2010
9:11 am

It might be best to talk in a public place to help keep the drama to a minimum…well unless your lady is the type to try to show out because she is in public…LoL

But really most adults tend to not want to create a scene and are able to not yell at each other at a bar or restaurant.

http://hispointofview.com

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
9:18 am

Good Morning All,

Wisey I have a problem with tough conversations. But because I have a tendancy to aim for jugular at times when it comes to certain things..I will go all in and just let it flow. Most of the men folks I have had the pleasure of keeping company with were not the most open to tough conversations..so err that made from “interesting” conversations. I am not one to back down easy(I am learning)..so I will do just as the gentleman stated I will come off as nagging.(Don’t judge Me).. As for talking in familar surroundings..I am not sure how serious a conversation you can have over a beer and wings at JR Crickets..with hip-hop playing in the background.

Male: Babe thanks for bring me to the spot..

Female: Well we need to talk so I thought you would like the vibe.

Male: (yelling over the music) Whatcha Say?!

Female: WE NEED TO TALK!!

Male: Ohhh snap that’s Black Sheep..”You can get with this..or can get that..!!”

i'm swiss™

July 19th, 2010
9:20 am

Morning everyone.

On topic: I don’t know that men avoid difficult conversations, so long as those conversations can be grounded in logic and civility. But therein lies the problem:lol:

Off topic: Go me! My awesome mixed-doubles partner & I pulled out the division-clinching win at line 1 in our ALTA match on Saturday. Not to brag or anything, but your boy swiss pretty much took over the match late in the 3rd set to close that mother out…. :-D :lol: Team Swiss: Division Champs, baby! ;-) :lol:

SlimOne

July 19th, 2010
9:20 am

Kym – lmao, great way to start the blog off. :lol:

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
9:28 am

Hola!

Congrats Swiss!!!

On topic: I think the difficult conversations depends on the man. My college sweetheart was very good a having difficult conversations, and once he put his feelings into words and sent me a letter in the mail. (So sweet and touching). However, I dated one guy that could not take difficult conversations, he would get off the phone or leave if the conversation was in person. I am not talking about yelling and stuff like that I mean conversations. He would comeback or call back as if the issue was resolved…

abc

July 19th, 2010
9:30 am

“Tough Conversations” means giving the man a truckload of sheeot for not being what you want them to be. Imagine a man giving you the same treatment, albeit about things that are specifically girly: why do you refuse to wear your hair in an attractive style; you should go to the gym, stop eating sweets and lose about 25 lbs; those friends of yours are straight up crazy, and I’ll thank you to keep them away from me, if not avoid them yourself; I don’t want to hear another word about your father, stop comparing him to me; what’s up with that piece of junk you drive; why do you have such a lousy job, don’t complain to me about it if you’re not willing to fix it.

All delivered with a scowl, intended to make you feel about 1 inch tall, in an effort to make you change. No thanks. You bet men shut down and avoid you when you get like that.

M. (pronouced M dot)

July 19th, 2010
9:30 am

“Men, what is the best way to approach you when we feel upset, hurt, or disappointed ? ”

Guys are logical so we want to handle things as an adult would. Lets discuss in person. No text messages, no emails. Guys just want things straight up.

Another thing that guys really dont want is to try to read your mind in the midst of a storm. If we know things arent right between us and then I reach out and say whats wrong and you say nothing, I have to go with that. But when you get home and send me a 5 page email ranting about whats wrong; thats a no no!

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
9:33 am

East Pernt

For some reason, those yelling matches are not apart of the difficult conversations that I have had in the past. I am not one to yell and go crazy. When people truly learn how to disagree, stay on the subject, not bring up past issues that were resolve the conversations are easier to handle. Also you have to know when to “table” the discussion for a different time if you are losing control and getting ready to act a fool. IMO, when this happens say we will cool down and talk in three hours or a day, but the conversation must happen.

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
9:36 am

. If we know things arent right between us and then I reach out and say whats wrong and you say nothing, I have to go with that.

M.dot I am so guilty on this one, but I do not write the five page email or text. You guys already know what is wrong you don’t need me to say it so I say nothing because we both know the issue.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
9:39 am

GM all
@kym – LOL. i agree that may not be the best place for a serious convo. mr.blue has suggested we go to a lake near us, we both find the water relaxing. waiting to see if the change in atmosphere helps.
Apparently women are fans of these types of conversations no we arent, at least most of us anyway. IMO, women are just more inclined to understand that just because a topic is emotional, may get heated or intense, does not necessarily mean it can be avoided. most men ive met seem quick to try to deflect or minimize whatever the issue, as if simply them making it apparent they dont want to talk should be enuf to make it go away, but even if the convo goes away, the problem still stands. now what do we do?
Has communicating and resolving conflict proved to be harder than you thought in a relationship? He!! Yes…i have made an effort to try to watch how i approach the topic. if i try to stay calm, watch what i say and how i say it (body language, facial expression and tone can be killers) that has helped things stay on an even keel. however there are times that you can be as calm as a monk, and if he doesnt want to talk things still go downhill fast. i am often left thinking that men are really teh ones who control the communication

East Point's Own

July 19th, 2010
9:44 am

@M. I have dealt with several women who will do that… have a converstaion with you and seem to come to a conclusion, and then later that night or the next day send a 5 page email or come back to discuss the issue more with written notes. These types of folks need to wait until they have thier thoughts together to talk, or just leave it at the point where they said they were cool after the last conversation? There is nothing like having a conversation about something the we argeed was a dead issue in the past.

I think that is one thing that most women can’t comprehend, when a dude says that he wants time to think about an issue they lose it, some women seem to prefer to abush you with something (expecting you to know that this issue was on their mind in advance) and argue for days instead of letting you think about the issue she raised and responding with a coherent thought. We don’t sit around with answers to every possible issue that we could have between us on deck ready and waiting for you to come ask us about it.

http://hispointofview.com

abc

July 19th, 2010
9:46 am

For the most part, men won’t fight with you. When you start a fight about something, under the guise of “having a difficult or tough conversation”, we know that the hostility will escalate as the “conversation” progresses, and the only thing we can do to make it stop is either to agree with everything you want, or avoid the “conversation” entirely. We can’t keep up the hostility escalation. Once the hostility escalates to a certain level, every single thing we say or do is wrong.

Women who aren’t like that are absolutely worth a million times their weight in gold. I suppose I should say, women who aren’t like that very often.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
9:49 am

Good morning!

@Kym ~ you starting early this morning (LOL).

@i’m swiss ~ CONGRATULATIONS

I don’t like drama nor do I like yelling matches. If we can’t have a civil convo on whatever the issue is, I will wait until the boil turns to a slow simmer and attempt to start over.

East Point's Own

July 19th, 2010
9:50 am

@blue-7/30 Its not always that men minimize problems, sometimes women make things a bigger issue than it should be. This is a very subjective topic but in general our level of caring about an issue tends to skew more heavily toward things that immediately threaten life, the house, the family, etc if nobody is about to get injured and the mortgage is paid its not really a threat level 1, putting the toilet seat down is somewhere around threat level 99 to us on a scale of 1-100…LoL But every man has been yelled at as if the house was on fire for leaving the toilet seat down at some point in his life.

This is why many conversations go south, because one person is on level 2 and the other person is on level 35. Sometimes both parties need to be open to listen and re-evaluate how important the issue really is, perhaps both parties should meet around level 15 somewhere and handle it.

http://hispointofview.com

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
9:52 am

@East Point – when a dude says that he wants time to think about an issue they lose it – I agree that time to think may be useful, but thats if the time is actually used to think on the issue and we actually come back to it. in my experience that phrase is often used simply as an out, no further thought is applied as evidenced when either they never come back to you or you come back a day, a week, a month later and they still have no thoughts. its that experience that has women flip out when you ask for time to think

kimmie

July 19th, 2010
9:52 am

Good morning beautiful people!

I’m kind of uncomfortable with the sentiments of Wise and some others on this subject. Every woman out here doesn’t approach a tough subject yelling and nagging and emotional! Believe it or not, quite a few of us are capable of having an adult conversation without being Ladyzilla. I’ve approached tough subjects tiptoeing, almost apologizing every other sentence and some dudes still want to cut & run! They quickly get off the phone or try to change the subject or get busy. A lot of men just don’t want to talk about tough stuff, especially if it’s something they can’t quickly “fix” on the spot. That’s why alot, when they want to break it off with you, will just avoid you and not call and stop seeing you.

So in my world, they couldn’t blame it on me being a nag, because that’s not my personality and I’ve taken extra steps to avoid ever coming off as one. A lot of times that’s where I messed up – I MYSELF avoided tough conversations so I would not appear as a nag – and by not speaking up, it was to my detriment. Especially in a dating situation, dudes just didn’t want to deal with the tough stuff. That showed me they weren’t really interested in making it work – so I showed them the door.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
9:52 am

women should really make an effort to talk to when they are calm and in control of their emotions

Good morning folks!!

that advice is spot on…if u come at me charging like a raging bull, I am gonna charge back at u like a raging bull. When two elephants collide,the grass underneath, suffers and gets pummeled(a Zulu saying)

the other advice I wld give is, why give notice of “wanting to have a sit down/discussion” as if we dont talk every time,all the time??

Why the “we need to talk”..the moment u do that,I react the way goose pimples develop on my skin when the skin detects cold coming…I prep myself, mentally for warfare! :lol:

Women need to just sagueway into the topic,as u are talking about other things and just say”baby, u upset me or blah blah.. whatever”, while sitting on the couch munching on pop corn and watching the movie,without forewarning me like that. That makes for a much easier discourse.

The momemt u say “we need to talk”, u cant blame for for preparing myself mentally as if I am heading to the Nuclear disarmament talks with Russia because u give the “talk” such prominence/importance that u have to give me advance notice. Ur emotieons,unfortunately make u give prior warning of confrontation and u cant blame me if i check out in order to save our union.

U bring it on urselves women.

Blame that on ur hormones! :lol:

Happy monday folks!

Kimmy

July 19th, 2010
9:57 am

GM

I dated a guy who shut down and stared at my forehead whenever I talked to him. Men don’t realize that no one enjoys the tough conversations, but I would tell him if I didn’t care I wouldn’t even waste my breath. He would shut down and have nothing to say. We would break up and all of a sudden he would feel the need to share. Needless to say I ended it and hope that he figures out the communicate.

i'm swiss™

July 19th, 2010
9:57 am

Funny how the “tough conversations” tend to come up around the same time every month… :lol:

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
10:01 am

@kimmie – I’ve approached tough subjects tiptoeing, almost apologizing every other sentence and some dudes still want to cut & run! – i second that on. your trying to make an effort and they still bail. but we’re the problem. I MYSELF avoided tough conversations so I would not appear as a nag – and by not speaking up, it was to my detriment. – i am guilty of this also, partly trying not to be nag and partly trying his way, he seems to think it will fade away as it were, if i try leaving it, maybe it will. but in my experience that doesnt work, just become worse until its starig you in the face and trying to remain calm while you finally handle it is almost impossible.

@East Point – agreed what may seem emergent to me may not be to you. but if i take your issues seriously, shouldnt you do the same for mine? But every man has been yelled at as if the house was on fire for leaving the toilet seat down at some point in his life. ok, women have called me traitor for this one b4, but if we live together, married or whatever, couldnt the same be sade about me leaving the toilet seat down? seems either one of us could have issues there, take the seat for what it is, a seat, shut up, put it where you need it and use it.

abc

July 19th, 2010
10:03 am

How about someone give some examples of the so-called “tough” conversation topics?

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
10:05 am

Alright Mayor McCheesy..Congrats!!!

I think my problem with the tough situations and convo..is I give out passes..I will just let things pile up and pile up and then have one big episode. My son has had to bare witness to this behavior..and it ain’t pretty…poor kid…but I digress. I’m learning to let my feelings go when the incident or action happens as opposes to collecting them and then in a fit of temper..tearing the roof off the sucker.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
10:07 am

@Kym – same here, and awesome idea. its been hard to put into practice, but does seem to help.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
10:11 am

tough conversations” tend to come up around the same time every month

@Swiss..its like the drunk hurling abuse on u when drunk and then blaming it on the liqor……thats when women get the most courage.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
10:26 am

@melo@swiss – wow. amazes me sometimes at the neanderthal way men think. not that we have more courage, its that we have less patience to let you get away with whatever you’ve been getting away with all along. as you are men, you will continute to push, that whole give em an inch they take a mile type thing, and next thing you know its all the womans fault because its that time . when do yall take responsibility for yourselves and stop blaming things on your womans hormones and emotions?

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
10:27 am

“I MYSELF avoided tough conversations so I would not appear as a nag – and by not speaking up, it was to my detriment.”

Here, here! Never again!

abc

July 19th, 2010
10:28 am

Notice that requesting examples of such topics results in crickets.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
10:37 am

blue-7/30??

Answer abc’s question(10.03) if u may, and let us know how we try to get away with it(whatever?), so we dint talk in generalities!

i'm swiss™

July 19th, 2010
10:37 am

“…to let you get away with whatever you’ve been getting away with all along.”

That’s kind of the point… The subject of these “tough conversations” — from my experience anyway — tends to be something pretty trivial at best. Certainly nothing warranting the drama/emotion that typically ensue. And that’s the frustrating part for guys, I think — the disconnect between the weight of the subject and the amount of resulting angst (to borrow Melo’s term).

It's me....lurker

July 19th, 2010
10:39 am

I see the woman are taking a virtual beating today all because of a few one off scary incidents encountered by some of the blog men….LOL

I agree. Not all women come off as GODZILLA, so there shouldn’t be an assumption that all are and plainly aren’t capable of communicating. I’m not one for keeping things pinned up or holding out just to avoid. If there’s an issue, we’re gonna have the talk. An adult talk albeit, but never the less, it ain’t sliding just to avoid you labeling me a nag. My mantra in life is “do the needful.” If we can’t be civilized, “can’t be civilized” not being limited to speaking with our indoor voices but also being adult enough to talk through a situation without you feeling I’m just nagging then by all means…..let me get the door for you. True, no need to yell or scream, no need to say nothing is wrong and later you’re hit from the left with a five-page email (cause I’ve done that before) but no need to ignore and pretend I’m the crazy one. In any case I should be adult enough to lay it out and you should be adult enough to hear it as a valid issue…whatever the problem….and vice versa.

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
10:40 am

Wassup Melo!

subject. Every woman out here doesn’t approach a tough subject yelling and nagging and emotional! Believe it or not, quite a few of us are capable of having an adult conversation without being Ladyzilla. I’ve approached tough subjects tiptoeing, almost apologizing every other sentence and some dudes still want to cut & run!

@Kimmie exactly

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
10:42 am

“You look at the conversations as reasons to question whether or not this is the relationship for you. I look at the conversations and I am encouraged by them because they mean that we are doing the work that is required to make sure that we are actually communicating in this relationship, that we are doing the work that it takes to grow a relationship because good relationships don’t *just* happen.”

abc

July 19th, 2010
10:42 am

At least an example rant is provided. Shall we take note:

Men are Neanderthals.
Men tax a woman’s patience in ‘getting away with things’
Men will push the limit of acceptable behavior
Men blame women for having a problem with these things due to hormones and emotions
Men do not take responsibility for themselves

Perhaps as an exercise pertinent to the topic, we should examine and discuss all of these salient points, as an example “tough conversation” topic?

SlimOne

July 19th, 2010
10:43 am

An example of what we may consider a tough convo maybe letting you know what we feel we aren’t currently getting from you out of the relationship. No one really likes to hear about what it is they aren’t doing right so that alone can cause a person to jump to the defensive side off the rip.

abc

July 19th, 2010
10:48 am

What would be some examples of things you’d want to be getting out of a relationship that the man wouldn’t be providing?

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
10:49 am

ex. of such topics – i think there are generals that lots of couples have been thru – your mom should not be making decisions in OUR house and/or someone in your family is disrepctful to me – deal with it, just because you work does not mean thats all you need to do – i work also – help around the house/with kids

one i always fun, esp now when baby daddys/mommys is not unheard of – you knew about babby and baby daddy when we got hitched, and you still signed on for this package deal. dont make it out now as if it is now my fault he is a presence in your life, rare as it may be. you made an informed decision.

I am whatever you say I am

July 19th, 2010
10:52 am

Hey Swiss!!!! What is your email? I have off the blog questions for you

Hey Diana!!!

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
10:53 am

The date went really well and the conversation was very engaging. We got on the subject of relationships and why they seem so hard to keep. Ben mentioned how a lot of women think that men don’t like or want to communicate. He said the reality is that some men love to talk but they aren’t at all comfortable with accusatory, emotional, or intense conversations.

Interesting…this pattern seems all too familiar. What’s wrong with relationships??

A man’s response…women need to xyz
A woman’s response…what I (we women) need to do

I’m not sure what’s considered a tough conversation, but any person (fe/male) can avoid or go aggressively in on a tough topic with a partner from time to time.

As abc has requested, what are examples of these tough topics??

I definitely need clarification on this one.

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
10:54 am

Gentlemen, and example of a tough conversation is any conversation that makes the man do any of the following:

a) There is an emergency to cut the grass

b) You must wash the car right now!

c) You need to think and come back later (she is not pregnant, leaving or dying.

SlimOne

July 19th, 2010
10:54 am

abc – check blues 10:49…but in addition it could be about lack of quality time spent, help around the house, lack of support, an issue of disrespect…leaving his dirty doo doo drawers in the guest bathroom. lol

i'm swiss™

July 19th, 2010
10:54 am

Howdy, i am… it’s brent at karaokebus dot com

abc

July 19th, 2010
10:59 am

It sounds like household chores and inability to get along with his family (and/or vice-versa) are common themes. Insinuation of laziness is pretty certain to get an adverse reaction; control of family members might not be possible. Certainly, you have family members that think he sucks, also.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
11:00 am

ex. im thinking about “hey i know he wants (game, movie, shoes whatever) when can i pick those up. he’d really like that”. hes thinking “I want (game, movies, shoes whatever)when i can i get those for me. i could get that (whatever) she wants too, but then i couldnt get this other I want. i’ll just go get both my things and i’ll get hers later”. im thinking about you, your thinking about you, when do you think about me?

abc

July 19th, 2010
11:04 am

Regarding household chores, and in my experience (and I know this probably isn’t that typical): I think a lot of what I do around the house is taken for granted. I never walk past dishes in the sink without washing them; I do my own laundry and ironing when I need to; I make the bed every day, always leave the bathroom sparkling, take out the trash, feed to the dogs, cook fairly regularly — the notion that I can cook is becoming less of an affront as time goes on — blah blah blah. I never say a word about it, though. If suggested that I do too little around the house, I say absolutely nothing. Why? Because it’s certain to become a battle that I can’t win, resulting in me admitting to being a total slob and lazy jerk. Then she says “no, you’re not; just do WHAT I WANT” with the dammit excluded. No thanks, I’ll just leave it alone and keep on the way I am.

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
11:06 am

Okay, I’ve read some of the examples women have given…having to always ask/followup with request from men…I think.

I don’t know. Any person should expect some firmness by the third request of the same request.

Now if mom’s is always trying to run our relationship…hmmm…that’s a tough one. I can’t imagine a woman starting that convo vulgarly (at least the first few times around), but maybe some do.

i'm swiss™

July 19th, 2010
11:06 am

Cosign, abc.

abc

July 19th, 2010
11:07 am

blue, if you’re married, just go get the stuff yourself. That’s what he does.

Now, I know better than that, but still. I bring flowers home weekly, presents whenever I feel like it regardless of occasion, and am fairly constantly attentive to doing things for her, because I know it’s important to her. Word, guys: the most valuable thing you can give her are acts of service. It avoids a lot of the BS fighting if there are fresh memories of that.

I am whatever you say I am

July 19th, 2010
11:07 am

Swiss, i sent you an email

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
11:08 am

Tough conversations

The amount of time we do or don’t spend together.
Your kids are disrespectful.
You discipline your kids stricter than you do mine.
The frequency of sex – too much, too little.
Lack of sexual satisfaction (Not enough foreplay, Lack of skill)
Something is off, your habits and/or demeanor have changed (Are you cheating?)
No, I don’t want you to go to Brazil with your boys.
You’re not contributing to the household management. (Chores, Financial chores)
You are making decisions without consulting me.
You spend too much time with the boys.
You spend too much money.
You drink too much.
You’re shutting me out. Why have you stopped communicating with me?

It's me....lurker

July 19th, 2010
11:11 am

Men are Neanderthals.
Men tax a woman’s patience in ‘getting away with things’
Men will push the limit of acceptable behavior
Men blame women for having a problem with these things due to hormones and emotions
Men do not take responsibility for themselves

–Neanderthals? That’s a nonissue. That’s what men are…no changing that no point in trying.

–”Getting away with things” – Valid issue. Cheating or less than forth coming comes to mind. Don’t think me silly if that’s a problem. Either you in or out but it’s not asking too much to be solid with me.

–”Acceptable behavior” – Again, cheating and less than forthcoming, stringing along, etc., comes to mind. Do unto others is about as “acceptable” as we’re going to get. If it’s not cheating, whatever the issue…if it’s not acceptable for receiving (that being you), then it’s a given you shouldn’t dish it.

–Women’s emotions. Yes some men do blame. Not a valid issue. If I may, someone said a long time ago during a discussion, women bleed red every 28 days, shed tears if hurt, blue if sad…part of what she is. If you want someone emotionless, get a man. Otherwise woman and emotions are synonymous. Being emotional all the time though is excusable.

–Men taking responsibility. If you’re a cheat or liar or lazy or a bum then say so (part of being forthcoming) and allow the woman the option to deal or not. Don’t allow those things to surface and blame her for the crazies because you’re irresponsible.

abc

July 19th, 2010
11:12 am

Other than disrespectful kids, most of the other things on that list explain why he’s stopped communicating and spends less time with you. Brutal!

Just sayin. Maybe it’s just me.

It's me....lurker

July 19th, 2010
11:13 am

Being emotional all the time though is excusable.

“UNEXCUSABLE” is how that should have read

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
11:14 am

@abc – true, Insinuation of laziness prob wont go over well with anyone, but if thats whats happening, either we deal with the issue, take the lumps and hopefully get better, or we ignore it, you get to keep being lazy, i get to keep taking up your slack growing more resentful the while. how is that better? fam, sure there are nay-sayers on both sides most of the time, but you would expect that your woman would at least attempt to stand up for you. if for nothing else, so that when they continue to be disrepectful she can look you in the eye and say she loves you and she tried, not “shes my mother/sister whoever, thats just how she is”
agreed, your manner of help on the homefront does not seem typical, but should be appreciated. i do think that is a common problem women create when they do not acknowledge an effort made. he trys, she does not acknowledge or continues to complain, he says d@mned if i do d@mned if i dont. seems sometimes a simply “thanks for doing the dishes” would be helpful.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
11:14 am

@Slimone??

nothing on ur 10.54 warrants a “we need to talk”..when u meet in the evening..just talk…why do u need an appointment to talk with ur loved one?

I am whatever you say I am

July 19th, 2010
11:15 am

Enter your comments here

CoolShadow

July 19th, 2010
11:18 am

Has communicating and resolving conflict proved to be harder than you thought in a relationship? How do you handle it?

It’s proved to be most difficult in my experiences when there are contrasting communicatory styles, i.e., logic vs. emotional. I try to maintain communication with a calm, thoughtful and consistent manner and responding in kind will get you the farthest with me. But if you’re illogical and contradictory in communication I’ll call you on your argumentative flaws but if you’re a screaming banshee and emotional wreck, I’m shutting down and game over. Also communicating with persons who hear but don’t listen to what you’re saying is always a challenge.

Men, what is the best way to approach you when we feel upset, hurt, or disappointed? Someone else at the show suggested that we take you to your favorite sports bar and discuss it over a beer.

Just simply tell us what’s up when it comes up. Seething for days and weeks over an issue that might’ve been resolved in little or no time is stressful and counterproductive to communication. Expecting us to be mind readers to know that something’s wrong will never work, especially in the early stages when you’re still learning each other.

Are men more comfortable talking to when they are in familiar surroundings? If more effort is made putting you at ease, would you be more inclined to hear us out?

Discretion and trust are more important than the surroundings. I prefer environments where we can speak at normal volumes yet not have everybody within earshot listening and tuning in to our conversation. An extremely loud restaurant where you have to scream over the din is not the place to talk.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
11:18 am

Oh..and disclaimer…these are not *my* issues. And your 1112a post said absolutely nothing, abc.

Run4Life

July 19th, 2010
11:19 am

^5 @Lurker. Don’t misbehave, and then say we have issues or are crazy. That is the #1 answer that men say about women they longer date.

So ladies, I want you to know, that I defend women and tell the guys that it was probably something that you’ve done or didn’t do, they made her suspect of you.

And I know that men are into each woman differently. Just because he treated her badly doesn’t necessarily mean that he will treat me badly, and vice versa.

i'm swiss™

July 19th, 2010
11:19 am

Mail call, i am…

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
11:20 am

Duh!! :lol: Got it!!

Thanks for all the examples. The only thing is I can’t imagine wo/men starting off harsh with these sensitive topics. I mean, what’s decided after the issues have been addressed the first 1-5 times (on the really tough topics…excluding chores and whatnot)?

There is a point when somebody has to concede right b/c the other isn’t giving in??

I’m not trying to be rude here…it’s just that I’ve yet to encounter many of the examples given.

It's me....lurker

July 19th, 2010
11:24 am

Run4Life – So ladies, I want you to know, that I defend women and tell the guys that it was probably something that you’ve done or didn’t do, they made her suspect of you.

Me too. Being a woman and knowing women (not all but enough), we ain’t suspicious unless given a reason. I NEVER discount my gut feelings. If I get something in my gut that’s something is not adding up, I’m not going to become Dick Tracy per se, but I’m keeping my eyes opened and ears to the ground. When it comes to surface, because it will, be a man be responsible and own it. I can respect you better.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
11:27 am

@LuvBug – “Any person should expect some firmness by the third request of the same request”. exactly. why do you make us repeat ourselves so ofte, you want to be taken seriously when you speak?
1st time – honey, would you check on the kids, their yelling about something
2nd time – honey i think Rose just swallowed a dime, would you please check on her
3rd time – honey, im watching our 3 year old in the tub, he cant swim you know, i need you to check on Rose
4th time – GET OFF YOUR @SS AND CHECK ON TEH KID!!!

@SexyCool – your lists dead on. and i think abc’s comment “most of the other things on that list explain why he’s stopped communicating and spends less time with you” lends to the point that a lot of women feel, if we dont let them just do whatever they want, then we are emotional naggers. no one, me or most anyone else, gets to do whatever htey want. deal with it. you chose a relationship, at some point you are accountable to that person for how you behave, good or bad.

LoveLife

July 19th, 2010
11:27 am

@Kym: Wisey I have a problem with tough conversations. But because I have a tendancy to aim for jugular at times when it comes to certain things..I will go all in and just let it flow.

That’s a recipe for being alone. In a relationship, whether it’s with your family or a significant other, ‘going for the jugular’ is a means to ending the conversation and running the other person away.

Just sayin… Now I’ll go back and read the other comments.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
11:28 am

@Dirty Diana 101!!

Wassssssuuuuup!

It's me....lurker

July 19th, 2010
11:30 am

blue 7/30 – if we dont let them just do whatever they want, then we are emotional naggers. no one, me or most anyone else, gets to do whatever htey want. deal with it. you chose a relationship, at some point you are accountable to that person for how you behave, good or bad.

You are dead on sweetie.

abc

July 19th, 2010
11:31 am

Maybe not to you, SexyCool, but I’d wager it spoke to most.

If a man complained to a woman about sexual frequency or technique, she’d never have sex with him again — or if she did, she’d not be able to think about much else other than the criticism. One might as well hang it up, at that point. If this kind of topic arises as part of a “tough conversation”, then to me, the relationship just went toxic. I’d be out. Heaven forbid I should be married to a partner like that.

Constant suspicion of cheating, i.e., lack of trust, is a relationship killer. If the suspicions are warranted, then that’s also a relationship killer — or, the relationship is already dead.

You spend too much, you drink too much… to me, if you have to dictate things like that to a man, and they’re actually really problems, then it indicates a personal problem beyond the help of a “tough conversation”. More likely, these are things which are part of his personality, character, or preferences, which you can’t change anyway. If you didn’t know these kinds of things before becoming committed, you should have.

In any event, those things certainly lead to lack of communication and avoidance, if not breakup, in my view.

Run4Life

July 19th, 2010
11:32 am

When it comes to surface, because it will, be a man be responsible and own it. I can respect you better.

Exactly.!

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
11:34 am

So, whatindahell do we do about these issues if we don’t talk about them?!?!? Just pray that they go away or resolve themselves or God forbid, accept them.

Dude, you’re making, like, NO sense with that drivel.

SlimOne

July 19th, 2010
11:35 am

melo – you may or may not be aware that often times when a chick feels she needs to lay everything out on the table about something thats bothering her, she has already played and re-played what it is she wants to say to you in her head. She goes over it to ensure that no bullet points are left untouched…so maybe having a “We need to talk” appointment is more like a Showtime. LOL! And I just think the whole “we need to talk’ is basically saying, hey i have something I want to get off my chest and I want your undivided attention during that time. That’s all. Not saying it makes sense but that’s the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. :-D

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
11:35 am

@Luvbug ~ you and WD seems to be dating the same person, Ben (hmmmmm)! LOL

abc

July 19th, 2010
11:36 am

If these issues exist, you’re with wrong man, SexyCool. You can’t change basic characteristics of a person. Don’t try to change a man that you don’t like, go get a man that you DO like. Let the man go find a woman that likes him for what he is. That’s what he wants, anyway.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
11:37 am

@Scool??

I took 2 from ur list : You spend too much money (b) sexx

with me, i never have to schedule an apponitment to talk…….i just say it in normal convo…

this past weekend,she said she wanted to go with the kids to buy school clothes coz she wants to prep for the new term…i said, whats wrong with the clothes they wear now..dont they wear clothes..they dont wear uniforms except for (1) so what u need clothes for at the beginnning of every term??..had I not said so,she was gonna come with a boat load of stuff for them coz i know,my kids dont walk about nekked…..they came back with a much reduced load.

no need for a sit down

same with sexx..when i aint getting it in a cppple of days and am horny, im just gonna say “hey baby, I need sex tonite..if i dont phlcukk u,who do I phluckk??”..that gets the attn the issues deserves..no need for a sit down either.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
11:41 am

Melo – I agree with you. *IF* I had either of those issues, I wouldn’t make the discussion a big to-do. I would address it normally. I don’t *schedule* talks. And I don’t ever say, “We need to talk.” I just talk. Signaling it as a *need to talk* issue immediately puts a magnifying glass on the issue and tends to add unnecessary stress to the issue.

All that being said, it doesn’t make either issue less *tough*. It is what it is.

And abc, we are never going to agree on this topic. I will respect your right to see it your way and hope that you respect my right to do the same.

abc

July 19th, 2010
11:43 am

That’s fine. The topic requests men to respond to the issue of “tough conversations”, do what you will with the feedback, or nothing, as you wish.

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
11:44 am

Melo,

I see the point you and the other fellas are making. Why sit down with these formal conversations just talk like you been doing???? Make sense and it makes for a better conversation. I think you all are on to something I am going to try it that way and see what happens.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
11:46 am

And you requested specific examples, which once provided, you then proceeded to shoot them all down as non-issues and/or personality traits and basically seem to promote not addressing concerns, but accepting them or ending the relationship.

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
11:48 am

I hate to say it, but I agree with some of the guys if you have to talk about drinking, cheating and lack of trust you are probably with the wrong dude.

I think the tough conversation is when the relationship is in transition, and you are trying to figure out if the guy is going to the next level.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
11:49 am

@melo – i agree that the “we need to talkk” sentence by itself is off puting, why do we need to make an appointment. in my case, i am guilty of doing it that way at times, and it comes out not as a regualar thing for all discussions but i think more a sign of my own weariness about the topic. we’ve done it b4, didnt go well, and I am uneasy about doing it again, but it needs to be done all the same. or simply, as Slim mentioned, i am gonna need your undivided attention. no tv, no friends over, no sudden need to go to the store, i need you present and attentive, thinking cap on

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
11:49 am

Disclaimer: I think a “we need to talk” in a marriage is different than a “we need to talk” when single or shacking.

abc

July 19th, 2010
11:49 am

No, I offered feedback as to why a man would shut down and refuse to participate in a prepared tough conversation about them. As my first post today was intended to point out, imagine being faced with that yourself. How would you react? Blow up at him, have a get-down-drag-out all about it? A man isn’t going to do that. He’ll just shutup, and sooner or later, make himself scarce, seek company elsewhere — if faced with topics such as most of those you provided. Topics like that seem to me to have less to do with what he does, but more to do with who he is. You can’t change who he is.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
11:52 am

“How would you react? Blow up at him, have a get-down-drag-out all about it? A man isn’t going to do that. He’ll just shutup, and sooner or later, ”

Both of those modes of response suggest a lack of maturity.

kimmie

July 19th, 2010
11:53 am

One thing I really appreciate about my mother is that she never let me use being a woman or hormones as an excuse for anything, especially bad, emotional behavior. She told me that’s why women don’t get respected. Whatever the situation, you get yourself together, suck it up and deal with it. Don’t be weak and helpless and crazy. This advice has served me well. Some may take issue with that, and that’s okay, it’s worked well for my mother and generations before her and me. And it didn’t make any of us any less feminine or attractive or incapable of “submission”.

So I have a real hard time with a lot of this.

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
11:58 am

Leggs – I don’t get it, but I’m sure it’s funny. LOL

If you mean a ghost…not really. I don’t have kids, have never shacked and have never shared money or an account with a guy, so I have no relative real life experience with many of the examples given.

So far, the only critical issues that I’ve had to face are cheating or chronic lying. Chronic lying gets a reasonable mention (no sit down) and repeat offenses ended in an exit…cheating has gotten an “I know what’s up” (no sit down)…I’m out.

I wasn’t polite in communicating my exit in either case. I’ve enjoyed ending with a bang sometimes.

As it may relate to the topic…major instances of being over the top with men for me may include just regular disagreements on hot topics.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
11:58 am

Okay I am catching up..Main example I can think of a tough conversation is..the guy who is there(in body) but not in mind. In other words..dude has gotten so comfortable with everything that the effort to make the relationship work and keep it fresh..is just gone. How you start.. is how you finish..if you come out the gate all in and being attentive..(WE LIKE ATTENTION!!) Now it’s just the pass me the remote..”why we watching this”..”another Law and Order marathon..”..Can you fix me a glass of Kool-Aid? Hello!?? When did I become Hazel? Annnnnnnnd at the suggestion of doing something different..Before said guy would say okay how about_____? and have a suggestion..Now it’s just..”I don’t know what you want to do.?” And when a suggestion is made..”Nawww I don’t feel like doing that..then another suggestion is made..naww I don’t want to do that..either<<<This is where the fight starts. Cause really now it's just annoying.

To quote Jill Scott.." I don't want to lose this good life but I ain't scared if I'm gonna be the only one participating in it..Cause I'm lonely whenever your around."

Now

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
11:58 am

@blue did you do the we need to talk thingy while you and your husband dated?

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
12:02 pm

Ohhh come on blog monster..why you got to eat my post.

abc

July 19th, 2010
12:02 pm

“lack of maturity”, “men are neanderthals”, all that kind of rebuttal is nothing but name calling, and fighting words. It’s absolutely the kind of thing that a man will shun, you won’t get anywhere in a discussion — shall we say, negotiation? — using that kind of tactic.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
12:03 pm

What up Blog Fam.

Since men and women define things differently a “tough convo” needs to be defined.

Women “tough convo”:
1. Bad hair day
2. Don’t have nothing to wear
3. Lele said my breath stank
4. My mamma trippin again

Men “tough convo”:
1. Money or lack thereof
2. Job or lack thereof
3. Car (note & maintenance)
4. House (note & maintenance)
5. Does my butt look big in these jeans

East Point's Own

July 19th, 2010
12:06 pm

The phrase “we need to talk” should be banned from all relationships… that would end all the problems stated above…LoL Just say what you need to say, “we need to talk” automatically causes problems…everybody knows that nothing good ever comes after “we need to talk”

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
12:08 pm

maturity – interesting word. i think a lot of times, thats what the woman is looking for. for you to behave as an adult, not a child who somehow has not yet learned that actions/inactions have reactions.
ex. – tit for tat if i tell you i have an issue with you, id like to deal with this issue. can we then deal with THE issue, not 10 minutes of you attackng me because im not perfect either. no, im not perfect either. but you had the option, just like i did, of being adult and approaching me if you had a problem. you didnt. you wait till your on the carpet and lash out. where is the maturity in that?

@Diana – i did when the first time we dated. we were high school sweethearts, and the we need to talk thing actually came out leading up to the break up and then the break up. we got back together years later, and when we were re-dating (lol) dont think it came up then he’d probably say different tho lol

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
12:09 pm

@Luvbug ~ I apologize. I didn’t realize you were repeating what WD said while on her date. I thought you were talking about a date YOU went on. Reading comprehension is fundamental…

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
12:12 pm

No biggy Leggs…I get lazy and don’t change the font of what I’m highlighting. LOL

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
12:12 pm

I haven’t called anyone a name. And my “lack of maturity” statement was an observation submitted in this forum as a result of this discussion and is not my method of dealing with topics in my personal relationships that may make one or both parties uncomfortable.

I will never take to the idea of not addressing an issue simply because a person may take offense, have their feelings hurt or get angry with the discussion. That very conversation is what I would use to make decisions about how to govern myself going forward, because I am the only one I control.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
12:12 pm

Alright the short version..since the blog monster is hungry..

Main complaints that have caused me to go batty after letting the pressure build..Being there but not being there..taking me for granted..or as I call it….. “You know you love me..you ain’t going no where attitude. No one wants to be the only person working at the relationship. To quote Jill Scott..”I don’t wanna lose this good life but I ain’t scared..if I’m gonna be the only one participating in it..cause I’m lonely whenever your around.”

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
12:15 pm

@For Real – thank you fro an example of deflection and minimizing. Women (most at any rate) are concerned with more than how they look and what their friends say. IMO, boiling women down to that just makes it easier to rationalize the attitude that you dont have to listen and can keep doing what you do.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
12:15 pm

I kinda feel that the “we need to talk” is also a reflection on the females part, of not articualting what they want in a relationship,early on smetimes…if u want marriage at the end,the man has to know this..and the best way to let him know is during the exploration stage..when u havent dipped into each other yet but still kinda figuring each other out…..

This also wld include some of the things SexxyCool highlighted in her list,like drinking beer.(excessively) Some of these things u have to figure them be4 u throw urself in the sack coz it may be too late when ur emotions have been sucked in already then u want dude to change his drinking habits coz u there…

It may be too late and rather than discuss that rationally, u too angry now so u gather ammo and say,”lets talk”…..

“”Lets talk”" is always viewed by man as a “brace urself” kinda thing….I expect ” we need to talk” if u Prego “accidentallly” s(thats the worst case scenario i can think of) and we need to decide if we killing this or we moving on as a cpple!

Thats kinda my exception to the rule.

abc

July 19th, 2010
12:16 pm

I find that the same things that are initially attractive can become the very things people take issue with down the road.

At first he’s a casual free spirit that knows how to have a really spontaneous good time. Later, that represents being irresponsible and immature. They can go together, and they can’t necessarily be separated — this is a pretty common complaint among women, I find. I’ve been faced with it myself. Being fun is attractive at first, then security is more important, but being fun is still important. Get to know who the person really is before you hook up. Forcing your concept of responsibility can kill what was once fun about him, and you’ll make him miserable in the process. Then what have you gained?

For Real

July 19th, 2010
12:19 pm

Tough conversations

The amount of time we do or don’t spend together. – “Not a tough convo”
Your kids are disrespectful. – “Subjective”
You discipline your kids stricter than you do mine. – “Subjective”
The frequency of sex – too much, too little. – “Tough for Men not for women”
Lack of sexual satisfaction (Not enough foreplay, Lack of skill) – “See above.. reduce frequency leads to selfish satisfaction”
Something is off, your habits and/or demeanor have changed (Are you cheating?) – “Attacking and accusatory”
No, I don’t want you to go to Brazil with your boys. – “Insecurity”
You’re not contributing to the household management. (Chores, Financial chores)- “Wrong choice”
You are making decisions without consulting me. – “Decision about self or the relationship”
You spend too much time with the boys. – “Controlling”
You spend too much money. – “In a marriage legit… Single none of your business”
You drink too much. – “Subjective”
You’re shutting me out. Why have you stopped communicating with me? – “Not sure what that even means”

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
12:19 pm

I will never take to the idea of not addressing an issue simply because a person may take offense, have their feelings hurt or get angry with the discussion. That very conversation is what I would use to make decisions about how to govern myself going forward, because I am the only one I control.

To add to this statement, I can, however, control the way in which I address an issue in hopes of minimizing the extent of the damage or level of insult.

abc

July 19th, 2010
12:20 pm

Hence the common saying: “She ruined a perfectly good man”. That happens when she wins the so-called “tough conversations”. They’re all about getting her way.

Blue, we don’t have to listen. We can keep doing what we do. A woman cannot convince a man to change. He has to have that motivation within himself, has to want to please her because he values her presence, and that aspect is not enhanced by “tough conversations”.

abc

July 19th, 2010
12:23 pm

But hey, yall do what you want. It gets to be a bit of a strain to even type stuff in here about your tough conversations. Must be time for lunch or something.

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
12:28 pm

Melo – Yeah, you’re probably right. The best bet is to screen it on the front end. If some issues slip by, you may have a few tough decisions to make…b/c you can’t make the person be more mature or follow through…no matter how many times you ask.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
12:29 pm

@abc – true, you dont have to listen. you can keep doing what you do. but dont complain later when you had the opportunity to work this out with me, hit a compromise, or an equally beneficial solution, and instead a)you either chose to bail and now are lonely or having the same convo with another woman, b)have decided just to give in all together and are miserable for it, or c)she has decided to bail, see a)

For Real

July 19th, 2010
12:34 pm

Kym: “Being there but not being there..taking me for granted..or as I call it…..” – I and probably alot of men hear this from women. Can you give an example of “being there but not being there” (i.e. beckon and call) and “taking you for granted” (i.e. everything you do is a grand sacrifice)

Blue 7/30: Not deflecting or minimizing just stating actual behavior of women. The reason I stated those issues was to demonstrate the clutter that goes into the “tough convos”. Men are left trying to figure out root cause of your contempt because of the poor job of communicating. We aren’t your girl friends we don’t need a history lesson as how you came to your point, all we need to know is “What’s wrong”.

Melo: Women’s definition of “Lets talk” = Talk about what’s wrong with the man. Man’ definition of “Lets talk” = If we don’t fix these thing it’s over.

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
12:34 pm

when u havent dipped into each other yet but still kinda figuring each other out

Melo,

Are you saying talk before you give the yams/cherry away??? I wanted to make sure because we had some dudes on here last we saying they get those yams on the first date!

Are you going to tell us a story after lernch??

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
12:35 pm

Yeah, you’re probably right…Melo and abc

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
12:36 pm

“‘we need to talk’ is also a reflection on the females part, of not articualting what they want in a relationship,early on smetimes…”

I disagree. To have a talk like that usually results after a noticeable difference on how things USE TO BE. I tend to think more women state what they’re looking for in a relationship upfront and not spring their desires out of the blue. But, when pesonalities, attributes, issues take a dive, that’s when those 4 dreaded words are spoken by both the man and by the woman. You see, prime example of
we need to talk before things escalate out of control is Mel Gibson’s rants. It’s not only women who can’t talk without all the screeching!!

For Real

July 19th, 2010
12:37 pm

preach on abc….

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
12:40 pm

Can you give an example of “being there but not being there:

Being in the same house, but you constantly in the den watching tv all by yourself, or when I come in the wrong to sit down with a good book to enjoy your presence, you get up a good 15 mins later and leave and don’t come back…..we need to talk

For Real

July 19th, 2010
12:41 pm

Leggs: “I tend to think more women state what they’re looking for in a relationship upfront and not spring their desires out of the blue.” – I have to disagree with you. Woman do not state what they looking for upfront. They wait until see a gleam in the dude to before they make their feelings known hence the “lets talk” convo. Also, women have a sliding scale as to what they want. They can get everything they want in a man then decide they want some additional things as well. Then when those additional thing aren’t in the man they chose they take issue with him for not being what they want and then confuse it with he has changed when in reality SHE has done all the changing.

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
12:41 pm

blue-7/30 – That’s right too. There are guys that start off shut down. They never listen then find themselves wondering why women leave them. He thinks he’s avoided the problem, but his lady has solved the problem by leaving him.

Now he’s lashing out at women and calling all women flaky…this and that.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
12:42 pm

@For Real – interesting point. i think what alot of guys see as clutter is her attempt at making this a conversation not an arguement
@Leggs – lol, Mel Gibson. im still waiting to hear what it was that sent him on this tirade anyway. but agreed, its not only women who have communication issues.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
12:46 pm

@ForReal ~ upfront means when they see the gleam…not with the first dang handshake.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
12:48 pm

You see, prime example of we need to talk before things escalate out of control is Mel Gibson’s rants

@Leggs??

that Russian lady knew from jump that Mel was a ranter and a drunk….thats a bad example Leggs!..prior taped ranters of Mel are testimony to that.
To have a talk like that usually results after a noticeable difference on how things USE TO BE

in some cases yeah but in most cases it may be because u want things to go this way and not that way altho that way was there be4 and when u came to the scene..the problem is because we slept tgehter first and ur emotions were succked in already, u did not rationally assess the pros and cons be4 we had the tango….now u realise u have to control the situation. Maybe too late

Are you saying talk before you give the yams/cherry away??? I wanted to make sure because we had some dudes on here last we saying they get those yams on the first date!

@Dirty D??

yes,thats what i mean…..when ur draws are gotten on a first date,u are already compromised. Ur word or “sit down invitation” counts zilch in the man’s mind and world.

U need to have a” lets talk” with a man that respects u..how much respect do i give u when I hit it on the first nite out and My dycck thinks u a whrre! :lol: :lol:

I will think of a story DirtyD!

For Real

July 19th, 2010
12:48 pm

Leggs: “Being in the same house, but you constantly in the den watching tv all by yourself, or when I come in the wrong to sit down with a good book to enjoy your presence, you get up a good 15 mins later and leave and don’t come back…..we need to talk” – WHAT?????? Your example sound like conflicting “wants” between two adults. Two adults want two different things. It’s a problem because one adult didn’t get what they wanted. Sound childess doesn’t it?

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
12:50 pm

@Leggs @12:40. exactly. when you have that person around and still feel lonely. when they dont notice if you and your book go. there but not there

Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!

July 19th, 2010
12:50 pm

Good Afternoon Good People!!!!!! :)

Waving @ Dirty Diana 101° ♠!

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
12:51 pm

It is so interesting reading you guys blast woman not knowing what they want, when they want it nor how to go about getting it. You guys are sitting on your high horses as though you are better. So many of you play the field, play games, lie cheat and borrow to get to another woman while trying to keep a mask over your present woman’s face. You guys are acting like you got your plan down and know exactly how to enact it. Well, believe it or not, you guys are just as confused as we are, if not more. Step down and breath the natural air we are and stop breathing in the stench from your own arse!

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
12:53 pm

@ForReal ~ the operative word was “constantly.”

For Real

July 19th, 2010
12:54 pm

Blue: “i think what alot of guys see as clutter is her attempt at making this a conversation not an arguement” – But the definition of communitcation is being able to UNDERSTAND what someone is saying (not to be confused with AGREEING with what the other person is saying) thus after a “lets talk” convo men are left with trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. To quote an old song “How in the hell do you expect me to understand when I don’t even know what’s wrong”

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
12:54 pm

@ForReal ~ No, it doesn’t sound childish. To be lonely in the presence of your mate is beyond childish!!!

Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!

July 19th, 2010
12:55 pm

Leggs good post! How are you doing?

For Real

July 19th, 2010
12:55 pm

Leggs: “the operative word was “constantly.” – “Constantly” just happens to fall on game day right?

Melo

July 19th, 2010
12:59 pm

So many of you play the field, play games, lie cheat and borrow to get to another woman while trying to keep a mask over your present woman’s face

@Leggs??

I will admit,we play the field becoz we know the enemy’s weaknesses. Females are reluctant to articulate certain things early on because they fear the bird might fly away. We use that against u by pressing for the goods without showing u our cards on where we stand. Thats a self esteem issue that u need to teach ur kid(and mine) coz im telling u like it is.

If a chic is self assured,she shld have no issues telling dude, “listen, I know we been seeing each other for few weeks now, my intend is to get married at some point after blah blah blah..whats ur take??”..if he flies away,it wasnt meant to be….if hes game,then obseve,listen and observe to see if he axts on ur desires,wishes, etc……

Its much better than compromising and then scheduling a “lets talk”

Too late!

For Real

July 19th, 2010
12:59 pm

Leggs: “No, it doesn’t sound childish. To be lonely in the presence of your mate is beyond childish!!!” – Again, men and women define things differently. Webster defines Lonely as: 1 a : being without company : lone b : cut off from others : solitary
2 : not frequented by human beings : desolate
3 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

Now, what’s your definition of lonely?

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
1:01 pm

Wasssssssssssssup Lady!!!

I see you cut second hour…LOL

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
1:01 pm

@For Real – see now i was trying to give you a good point, lol. understood the “clutter” tactic doesnt always work, but it is at least her attempting to try something rather than just start with the “screeching”. does she get any points for trying? and why am i supposed to put things on hold for game day? the BP well blew when it blew, so do women, yall think we plan these things purposely to ruin your tv watching schedule?

SlimOne

July 19th, 2010
1:01 pm

Slim: For Real baby…we need to talk

4real: awww, what is it now. You see i’m trying to watch the game!

Slim: I’m late….

4Real: Late?…(cough cough) are…you…saying…you’re..um…p p p pregnant?

Slim: No, i’m late for my herr appointment again and Keke said she would not take me if i was late again. What am I gone do?! I just can’t handle this!

For real now pulling weave out of Slim’s head.

Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!

July 19th, 2010
1:02 pm

yes ma’am! I ran out the door! LOLOLOLOL! that’s all! now I am seeing what is rockin’ on the playground! update me chica looks like good convo!

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
1:04 pm

grabbing some lunch, Leggs: will you watch my pony? his name is Fred :)

For Real

July 19th, 2010
1:08 pm

Blue: “it is at least her attempting to try something rather than just start with the “screeching”. does she get any points for trying?” – She gets point for trying but gets a demerit when dude says “baby I don’t understand what you want” and then she flies off the handle because she is make perfect sense to herself.

“and why am i supposed to put things on hold for game day?” – Exactly why am I suppose to put game day on hold for you. Respect what’s important to me and I will respect what’s important you.

i'm swiss™

July 19th, 2010
1:09 pm

Not to avoid a tough conversation or anything, but I’m out, peeps… ;-) Off to the airport. Be good this week. Don’t do anything you’re boy swiss wouldn’t do. (That should give you plenty of lee-way) :lol:

i'm swiss™

July 19th, 2010
1:10 pm

lurker_1

July 19th, 2010
1:12 pm

Leggs, prior to 2008, sitting in the family room watching tv or reading the paper and she is in the kitchen or doing laundry, were typical in our house. No one is talking to the other…. major marriage killer. If not for one of God’s angels, we were headed over the cliff. I would be on here blogging about being separated/ divorce after twenty something years. Instead, she sits/lay on the sofa and sometime we both fall asleep on each other. This is way, way better than the previous years. Unfortunately it took an almost disaster to come to this space.

Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!

July 19th, 2010
1:14 pm

awwwww lurker_1………that staying power!!!! Kudos!

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
1:15 pm

@For Real – i think thats when what was mentioned earlier usually comes up. if youd “respected” me the first 3xs i tried to talk to you, when it wasnt game day, we wouldnt be here on game day. Respect whats important to me and i’ll respect whats important to you.
for those of who familiar with abbot and costello, ba-dum-bum, 3rd base
alrightee food….what to have, what to have….

Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)

July 19th, 2010
1:15 pm

Steppin in all kinds of late but here nevertheless.

Leggs your 12:51 says it all…

For Real

July 19th, 2010
1:17 pm

Slim: That’s funny as hell but sooooo freakin true. I dated a chick that did that too me.

Evian: (crying in the phone) For Real (sob, sob)

For Real: What’s wrong? Are you okay?

Evian: Yes I’m fine…

For Real: Then why are you crying?

Evian: (Sucking up snott) My hairdresser can’t take me today and imma have go to work next week with my undid cause im poss-da-take my driver license picture and hangout with Carrolla, Jeep (pronouned Hepset) and you know they hair always laid…. Hello, Hello, For Real!!!!

Evian: For Real we must’ve got cut off.

For Real: Naw I hung up like this CLICK!

abc

July 19th, 2010
1:18 pm

She: baby, I’m lonely.
He: what you talkin bout, I’m right here!
She: yeah, but you’re watching TV and ignoring me.
He: okay, what you want to do?
She: I don’t know…
He: How about some golf? Want to go to the movies? That exhibit down at the High? There’s a good play at the Alliance tonight.
She: No… I just feel like you don’t pay attention to me.
He: well come here and pile up on the couch with me and we’ll watch TV.
She: I want you to STOP watching TV and pay attention to me!
He: shuts up. Here it comes.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
1:23 pm

@ForReal ~ not always, sometimes it falls on the night Housewives of Atlanta comes on.

@blue ~ Fred the Pony! That is too funny. Can Lil leggs ride him. Wait, her feet are still on the ground. What kind of pony is this?

“and why am i supposed to put things on hold for game day?” – Exactly why am I suppose to put game day on hold for you. – Look at you guys. You put game day in the equation to better your argument. Hell, it can be any damn show on tv, not game day. We respect you on game day, the Super Bowl, Final Four, NBA Playoffs, etc. We know not to bother you unless we’re sitting beside you nekkid with beer and chicken wings in your lap!

Didn’t mean beyond childish…meant to say nothing childish about it!!!

And, for the record, ForReal, who gives a rat’s behind what Webster’s definition is! We know the true meaning of “lonely”. As usual, you men want to turn something so simple into a game of semantics. Cool.

SlimOne

July 19th, 2010
1:23 pm

For Real – that hair thing is something serious! I’ll never forget my regular bootician (lol) had a family emergency so she had to cancel on me. That left me having to fend for myself and try a newbie hairdresser. All I know if I left out of that place crying…only to go home and have to do it all over again. I looked like I was wearing one of those huge helmets from Space Balls :shock: :lol: :cry:

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
1:23 pm

@For Real Sorry went to lunch..

Being there not being there..going thru the motions..

It’s Friday..every other weekend for the last six months..Dude and Dudette..meet up and go out for dinner or movie and home for bump and grind get up Saturday morning got to the Waffle House or IHop for breakfast and then any other activities..they can think of. Dudette suggest instead of dinner/movie they go to a show(New Film fest or something playing in Midtown)..

Dude’s response: Why?
Dudette: Because it will be a good change..you know we are kind of getting in a rut and I thought this would be a nice change of pace?
Dude: A rut? What you talking about?
Dudette: Well for the past few weekends(under her breath she says six months) we have done the same thing every weekend. I thought this would be a nice change of pace
Dude: Uh huh?
Dudette: What?
Dude: Nothing..we can do something different but I am not doing that!
Dudette: Fine what would you suggest different.
Dude: How about we go to Hooters instead of JR Crickets’s then instead of sex in the bed we do on the living room floor..that way I don’t miss the season premier of Burn Notice. Then Saturday morning we can go to the Huddle House..that’s different right?
Dudette: No joker it’s not..
Dude: Okay how about instead of three positions..I throw in a four position..I saw this flick and the chick..

>>>>This is where the fight starts..

For Real

July 19th, 2010
1:24 pm

Blue: So how many times is a dude suppose to listen to the same cluttered message from a chick? How many time and how many ways does a dude have to say I don’t know what you are talking about before the chick realize the only person that understands what she is saying is herself? I said it before but I will say it again…. Chicks seem to able to put together a coherent, logical, and well thoughtout message at work but can’t for the life of them piece one together when dealing with their man.

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
1:24 pm

Ok here’s why dudes get frustrated with the whole “let’s talk” thing. Guys aren’t really into confrontation like that, so we let lots of things that you do ride. If it’s not life threatening or a deal breaker, then we don’t even feel the need to address it. What makes us mad about “the talk” is that alot of times it’s about some stuff that we let ride all the time when you do it. So, why all the urgency when I do it this one time? Our thinking is like GTFOH with that shyte. On top of that, if I tell you that I let it ride when you do it, you’ll accuse me of being “tit for tat”. No, I let it ride, so should you…no convo needed.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
1:26 pm

“I will admit,we play the field becoz we know the enemy’s weaknesses. Females are reluctant to articulate certain things early on because they fear the bird might fly away”

Not this female! And I know a lot who are not reluctant.

And, for the record, some of you purposefully hook up with those who won’t speak up simpy to make your job easier!!!

It's me....lurker

July 19th, 2010
1:26 pm

Topics like that seem to me to have less to do with what he does, but more to do with who he is. You can’t change who he is.

I’m not understanding the separation here. What a man does is a result of him and character

Oh, and the comment on “constant distrust”….anything constant calls for change

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
1:26 pm

Oops, Hello Lady, how you doing this fine afternoon?

abc

July 19th, 2010
1:27 pm

do it in the living room so he can watch TV too, ha.

In Alabama, they do it doggie style so they can both watch Real Stories of the Highway Patrol together, too… on Alabama PBS. Straight.

Willie Dynamite

July 19th, 2010
1:28 pm

Afternoon All,

This is a pretty good topic. This is something that I believe during the dating phase is being totally left out. The simplest thing to do during your day is to talk to your SO. No need to make an appointment to discuss everyday things.
For Men – the part where we get into trouble is yeah we really dont care about 90% of the ish she wanna talk about. No its not important to us and No it aint an emergency or important. But, We do need to listen and discuss some of it to keep away from the baby we gotta talk, talk.
For Women – Time and place, Time and place. Believe it or not whatever you have to say aside from the Level 1 emergency CAN wait until after the Cowboys game. Florida-Georgia gameday is not the day to discuss what kind of Tile needs to be replaced or the color of the bedroom walls. Men try to prioritize things pretty quickly. If we are talking and ask you what time is it then just give the time and not build a clock. We tend to not try and diagnose problems but just try to fix them.

Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!

July 19th, 2010
1:29 pm

I am well Leggs! Thanks!

Melo

July 19th, 2010
1:32 pm

And, for the record, some of you purposefully hook up with those who won’t speak up simpy to make your job easier!!!>

If JOB=SEX

therefore:

AMEN!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!

July 19th, 2010
1:34 pm

It’s me…..lurker…….I agree…..

For Real

July 19th, 2010
1:36 pm

Leggs: “ForReal, who gives a rat’s behind what Webster’s definition is! We know the true meaning of “lonely”. As usual, you men want to turn something so simple into a game of semantics. Cool.” – You not dealing with semantics you changing the definition of a word to suit your needs. So we can’t rely on the dictionary for the meaning of words huh?

Slim: I guess but my point you know you are going to end up doing it yourself why not cut the drama and just do your own hair until you can go to the Hair Did Lady?

Kym: Funny but your example of “being there but not being there” is totally different from Leggs but after reading both post I am no where near understanding what either of you mean by “being there but not being there”.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
1:37 pm

As long as we look at each other as the *enemy*, we will forever have problems.

mark

July 19th, 2010
1:38 pm

i personally love to talk . hey LeggS! and congrats Swiss!

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
1:39 pm

Leggs – 1251p – Church.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
1:39 pm

I always think it is the saddest thing to go in a resturant and see a couple..just sitting there not saying a word to each other. I mean just sitting there staring into space..not even making small talk. I don’t want to be in a relationship like that. Talk to me..we can discuss the weather, politics, kids, your athlete’s foot..something..but just sitting at a table in a public setting just distant from each other..that’s messed up.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
1:40 pm

It’s me..: “anything constant calls for change” – Even if it’s constantly good?

abc

July 19th, 2010
1:42 pm

What a person is vs. what a person does seems self-explanatory to me.

Lets say a man feels like he has to demonstrate to everyone what a big wheel he is. He goes and buys an S550. What he does is buy a car; what he is is insecure, feeling the need to have objects define him to other people. You can tell him that buying an expensive new car is stupid, and you may even be able to keep him from buying it, but he won’t like it — he’ll still be insecure.

Lets say a woman feels defensive about the impression her child makes on others. Her friends talk on and on about the athletic prowess of their sons, the beauty and intelligence of their daughters. She projects her disappointment on herself and her child’s father in that she has little or nothing to brag about. What she does is project feelings; what she is is defensive.

Make any sense?

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
1:44 pm

@abc ~ that skit was worthless. That’s not what we’re talking about! When one’s heart is lonely, no longer connected to its mate, Houston, We Have A Problem!

None of your creative skits is even touching on the issue. So, keep joking, downing all woman but the one who came around to marrying you, and hope you never feel lonely and disgruntled AGAIN!

For Real

July 19th, 2010
1:44 pm

Kym: That’s projecting and that’s not fair to that couple assume they are sad.

SlimOne

July 19th, 2010
1:45 pm

‘why not cut the drama and just do your own hair until you can go to the Hair Did Lady?’

For Real – because then you won’t have a story to tell your gf’s. It’s much more exciting to tell the example I gave than to be like:

Chick #1: Gurrrrl, my hair did lady done went and had to reschedule my apperntment.

Chick #2: Aw, dayum. Whatchu gone do? You know what happened to me last time I ended up having to get some new heifer to do minez…nightmare.

Chick #1: well, to save all dat drama, I think i’ll jus do it meseff.

Chick #2:……(crickets)……….

Chick #1: Hello? You derr?

CHick #2: um, chile i’m bout to go get my fill-in for my nails did. Imma holla at cha later…(click)

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
1:46 pm

@For Real..don’t act brand new. You know exactly what we mean..just like my last post..that feeling of distance when you are in the same room with a person and they total ignore you..or take for granted you will always be there when they are ready to acknowledge you.

@Abc..yes we like attention.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
1:47 pm

Leggs: “When one’s heart is lonely, no longer connected to its mate, Houston, We Have A Problem!” Ahhhh, I get what you are saying “No longer connected to its mate” now that makes sense but lonely is a poor choice of a word to example your disconnect. Lets rewrite your origin post using “disconnect” instead of lonely.

abc

July 19th, 2010
1:48 pm

See now, even in here, and posting to a blog like this, you think you have to be insulting to get your point across. You obscure your point. You influence men to shut up and let your rant pass. Meanwhile, the men just maintain what the facts are, from their own experiences — which you ignore, or rebut with insults.

That reinforces the opposing viewpoint. A man won’t argue with that, it’s pointless.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
1:50 pm

@ForReal ~ I’m not changing the meaning of the dictionary. I said we all know what it means. You know what’s being said as well, but you want to go text book on someone feeling lonely. Fine, have at it….

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
1:54 pm

I now see your 1:47. Ok, poor choice of word, but you understood the sentiment.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
1:55 pm

Slim: Ohhhh I see now yall like drama. Why yall just can’t make up stories like men do.

Kym: I get what you were saying about the couple but you were projecting. As for your skit I still don’t see the disconnect. The couple is spending time together out and in. Are they falling into a rut yes maybe but I not sure that skit defines “being there but not being there” and no I’m not playing. It doesn’t make sense to me. Also, you use “taking for granted” again and didn’t define what that means.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
1:55 pm

@abc ~ who’s being insulting???

abc

July 19th, 2010
1:57 pm

You don’t even realize it, huh. Charming. Let’s talk about the gubernatorial race instead, I think Barnes is a lock.

Willie Dynamite

July 19th, 2010
1:58 pm

Dayum, 4real and ABC on the same side of a debate. Next thing you know they’ll be listening to ToTo together, hahahaha.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
1:59 pm

@For Real sorry I should have said it was sad to me..they might be perfectly content sitting there eating their food..staring at the park in lot and going through the motions..but the couples who seem to be enjoying themselves were engaging and laughing..and talking the couple I am thinking about..dude was filling out the lotto slip and old girl was sitting there staring into space.

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
1:59 pm

Dreams – Are you saying “pick your battles”??

I want to chime in, but honestly, I can tell opinions are set in stone on this one.

I will say this. The last and only struggle I’ve had with this issue was actually the relationship between me and my mother. I guess I am my daddy’s daughter on this topic.

Even as an adult she tried (tries to) control too many aspects of what I should feel or do as it relates to her requests. Some were valid, but being the head woman of the house (not my house, but your own = “A” house) does not give you the genetic authority to boss every feeling, responsibility or goal in our relationship.

Sometimes things are not going to go your way…sometimes I may not do things your way, so you may want to choose your battles wisely or get ignored.

It may not seem relevant to the topic, but I think it is…every preference or complaint is not a tough issue that needs to be addressed…hell most aren’t.

Preferences do not qualify as tough issues.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:00 pm

For Real now passing WD half of a half of pint that he owes him.

SlimOne

July 19th, 2010
2:00 pm

For Real – no we don’t just like drama…we just like EXCITEMENT…those are hardly the same things. lol

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
2:00 pm

Oh, for the record, ForReal, we can re-write my post, but you may find yourself correcting a lot of women when they use the word “lonely.” I can see you at dinner when you over hear two women talking about being lonely in the same house they live in with their man.

Excuse me ladies: In the future, please use the word “disconnect.” Webster definies “lonely” as….

It a phrase a lot of women use when addressing that particular issue.

abc

July 19th, 2010
2:03 pm

Characterization as being lonely while in the company of your SO, whether you’re male or female, is just paving the road to step out with someone else on the side. Sure you feel justified. If you’re lonely while in the company of someone else, though, you share at least half the blame for it.

Nobody ever told me they felt lonely while in my presence, it’s just my opinion.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:03 pm

Kym: “dude was filling out the lotto slip and old girl was sitting there staring into space.” – She was dreaming about how she was going to divorce him and take all of the lottory winning and move to Macon to live with that sexy 3rd generation Italian man name Oscar.

Willie Dynamite

July 19th, 2010
2:04 pm

4Real – preciate that, after 6 months you coulda at least gave me sumthin betta than Rock-Gut. Hope you got another half of half a pint, 2Can showed up and was looking for his payout too.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
2:06 pm

@abc ~ I see more than you think. Not one time did I tell anyone to sit down. Everytime you come to this joint you down women, you’re smug, etc and you telling me I’m insulting. I don’t argue with anyone on here, just try to post my particular beliefs just like everyone else.

“which you ignore, or rebut with insults” Coming from you, that’s RICH.

I haven’t insulted anyone. If asking one to come up for air and stop breathing the stench from their own arse is an insult, then all I can say is a hit dog will holla…..

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:06 pm

Leggs: “It a phrase a lot of women use when addressing that particular issue.” – Kinda like “You know what I’m sayin” or “dude” words or phrases that have multiple meaning and it’s up to the dude to figure which context she is using.

It's me....lurker

July 19th, 2010
2:07 pm

For Real – It’s me..: “anything constant calls for change” – Even if it’s constantly good?

No, I don’t think so. I was referring to any conversation constantly having to be had really needs some sort of action taken. Constantly telling a man what you need or lack as a result of what he’s not bringing or doing to much of….forget about it.

How are you Lady J?

abc

July 19th, 2010
2:07 pm

You rebut my assertion of insult with another insult. No doubt, you don’t consider that to be one, either. God help the man that has to endure your “tough conversations”.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
2:09 pm

And, abc, I just wanted you to call my name out. I knew you were talking to me when I posted the question!

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
2:10 pm

Haas, started to say, Now, that was an insult…..

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
2:11 pm

@abc ~ of course I considered that to be an insult, that’s why I typed it.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:11 pm

WD: Rock-Gut? That half of a half of pint has Remy, 18yo Scotch, Kettle One and tang in it. Oh and I spilled 2Can half in a cup. It was a complete accident that I regret to this day.

Dirty Diana

July 19th, 2010
2:12 pm

Lady are you still in here??? You know I had to get my Popeye the Sailor on :arrow: eat my veggies.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
2:12 pm

Sometimes things are not going to go your way…sometimes I may not do things your way, so you may want to choose your battles wisely or get ignored…….every preference or complaint is not a tough issue that needs to be addressed…hell most aren’t.

@Luvbug??

EXACTLY! :lol:

Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!

July 19th, 2010
2:14 pm

Professor I am off to Greenville for a quick sec I am sooooooooooo TIRED! anyway LOL! read yall tomorrow!

leggs good posts!

peace

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
2:16 pm

I now see your 1:47. Ok, poor choice of word, but you understood the sentiment.
Leggs, ForReal I would say most arguments stem from this type of misalignment. The foundation of any argument are the definitions. Two people have to agree on how things are defined. Otherwise, you get a man saying, “but you said ‘lonely’, not ‘disconnect’.” and the woman saying, “shut the phluck up, you know what I meant. you’re such an arse hole!” I can only go off what you say, but when I do that you tell me I should know what you mean. If I try to assume I know what you meant, then you come back with “you’re putting words in my mouth. I didn’t say that.”

Luvbug
Dreams – Are you saying “pick your battles”??
Absolutely. There are things you do that may get on my nerves, but in the very beginning I’ve already what I can live with and what’s a dealbreaker. So, I let that stuff ride because it’s trivial to me and not worth me addressing. Now, when you come at me with some “we need to talk” over some stuff on the same level as that stuff that I let ride all the time with you, then it’s not well received.

every preference or complaint is not a tough issue that needs to be addressed…hell most aren’t.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:16 pm

Well I guess we are finally going to get the answer to the aga old question, “Can a stiletto penetrate a finely crafted Egyptian smoking jacket?”

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
2:19 pm

So, if I have a preference or a complaint, I should say nothing?

Dirty Diana

July 19th, 2010
2:19 pm

DreamM,

Your 2:16 is on point!

@Lady have a good one!

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:20 pm

DM: Women always fall back on two things when dealing with their man.

1. “You know what I meant”

2. “You should know what’s wrong”

Leaving the man with the fuggit attitude. I tell any chick I’m dealing “if you don’t tell me what I did, then I am going to believe I haven’t done a dayum thang and will act accordingly.”

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:21 pm

“So, if I have a preference or a complaint, I should say nothing?” – If the person you are talking to doesn’t understand what you are saying then you are saying nothing.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
2:23 pm

Much like this back and forth on this topic, huh?

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
2:24 pm

So…It is now MY fault that the other party lacks the ability to comprehend basic communication? Stop it.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
2:24 pm

Why do I feel like walking out on this blog conversation? LMAO!!! Okay For Real..how about I am saying being there but not being there and taking for granted can be one in the same in a relationship…Dude taking for granted that a plate of waffles and turkey bacon and some sticky icky..is going to count as change.

Willie Dynamite

July 19th, 2010
2:26 pm

Peferences and complaints should be talked about. I think the problem is when they are discussed ad nauseum without a resolution or compromise. At that point the next convo is more than likely an argument. Hence the pick your battles phrase. To me it shouldnt even be a battle.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
2:26 pm

@DreamsM ~ you have a point, but in the example stated, it should be a given what’s being said without a need to “break it down.”

I do understand how two people define things can definitely be a problem, I just don’t see it being a problem with the poor example given.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
2:27 pm

It is now MY fault that the other party lacks the ability to comprehend basic communication?

@Scool??

that is what U are saying!

For Real is saying it is UR fault that U lack the ability to CONVEY UR thoughts to the Other party thru basic communication so as to be able to Communicate.

Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)

July 19th, 2010
2:28 pm

I tell any chick I’m dealing “if you don’t tell me what I did, then I am going to believe I haven’t done a dayum thang and will act accordingly.”

Yeah we’ll tell you what’s up hence the tough conversation that you’ll try to avoid so what’s the use? See how this is soo circular?…seriously that one statement just brought us back to where it was this morning.

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
2:29 pm

DreamM,

Your 2:16 is on point!
Double D’s what’s good with you sweetie? did you have a good weekend?

DM: Women always fall back on two things when dealing with their man.

1. “You know what I meant”

2. “You should know what’s wrong”
ForReal Every dude in the world hates these two statements. I don’t how many times I’ve been like “what the phluck are you talking about?!?” And I almost never know what’s wrong, but I’m not gonna sit here for three hours prying it out of you either. The first time you say #2 I’m moving on like “I’m in the mood for Thai. What about you?” lol

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
2:31 pm

Well, even with that interpretation of what was said, Melo, I’m good. I have no problems communicating my thoughts.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:34 pm

“So…It is now MY fault that the other party lacks the ability to comprehend basic communication? Stop it.” – I never placed blame on one party. If two people cannot communicate then blame both of them. However, if your point isn’t getting made or you are not understanding someone elses point then you have to decide if it’s that important to try something different.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
2:37 pm

Do men avoid tough conversations?

Not only do they avoid them, they pretend like tough issues don’t exist. (Or at least that seems to be the *general* consensus being communicated on this blog on this day.)

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
2:38 pm

Forgive the *broadstroking* and generalization there – correction SOME men pretend.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:40 pm

“Yeah we’ll tell you what’s up hence the tough conversation that you’ll try to avoid so what’s the use? See how this is soo circular?…seriously that one statement just brought us back to where it was this morning.” -The circle can be broken if chicks would stop assuming that dudes “know what they meant” instead of simply stating what they mean the first time around. Leggs “lonely” post is a perfect of example of chicks saying one thing and meaning another.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
2:40 pm

I swear its in the male DNA..that playing crazy when you know you have done something wrong. It’s your little weapon…Do something wrong..go completely dumb…act like you have no clue. Prime example..tell a man to do something give clearly detail instructions that even the blind could follow and watch him screw it up. Simply ishhhh tooo..

Pretty in Black

July 19th, 2010
2:41 pm

ok- I think alot of this can be cured by you all black ladies givng us white guys more chances to date you! Why is it so hard for a white guy to find a nubian princess to date? I mean the white girls are gobbling up the black guys! I think we can relate to you ladies great! You think?

Willie Dynamite

July 19th, 2010
2:41 pm

SC- 2:37pm. You hit the nail on the head. Really its not that many things that we consider tough issues. Yes we really are that simple. Thats why we go through so many Women trying to find the one that wont trip off everything and who can make my Turkey Sammich just the way I like it.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
2:44 pm

trying to catch up here, seems yall have been busy

@Leggs, sure lil leggs can ride Fred, he’s a pygmy pony, altitudinally challeneged he is. @ your 1:23, agreed there does seem to always be some show that means now is not a good time, but hey, im missing my show too. i lose sleep too. not looking for anything from you im not willing to give. if i waited for there not to be anything on you wanted to watch, you not to be sleepy, not to want to go out, eat, fu(k, have to go to work/school, and for all the stars to align, this would never happen.

@For Real – yeah, agreed there are times where a better method needs to be find. but lets be real here, sometimes you guys arent exactly forthcoming in what your problem is. rather than saying you dont get what the issue is, calmy and all like you want her to be, it becomes an attack on her. hows that beneficial? and 9x out of 10, dont see you all coming up with a better means to communicate. cause yes, have tried that simple “say what you mean” bit and still gotten flack for it.

@Dreams – you let some stuff ride. good. but do any of you really keep count of how many times you’ve done something she couldve gone off about and she let it ride? doesnt seem so, you only notice when she finally calls you to counts for it. then shes making the issue.

@Kym – 1:39, seems sad to me too, have been in that situation and was sad. the distance sometimes is unbearable. theres more to a significant relationship than simply being within eyesight

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:44 pm

Men don’t avoid tough convo it’s part of our lives and upbringing. The conversation only become tough when we have to deal with a cluttered message from a chick filled with abstractions and self created feelings of being there but not being there or being taken for granted.

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
2:50 pm

DreamsM ~ you have a point, but in the example stated, it should be a given what’s being said without a need to “break it down.”
Leggs that’s subjective though, based on what you believe someone should be able to comprehend because you comprehend it. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are some things you don’t really have to break down for someone to understand what you mean. But if these “tough conversations” are so important, then I would think we would want to be as clear about things as possible in order to really have a productive dialogue. I don’t know how many arguments I’ve been in where the problem we start out discussing isn’t even THE REAL problem. You start out telling me you hate chili (but I thought you loved my chili). That turns into, we eat chili too much, which turns into we always do the same thing, which turns into you’re not happy. On top of all that I “should have known what was wrong” all this time. Shyte, don’t yell at me about chili when you reall want to talk about why you’re not happy. lol

Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)

July 19th, 2010
2:52 pm

you’re tryna be funny but but in actuality you’re proving the point as well…carry on :-)

abc

July 19th, 2010
2:53 pm

I’d say the “tough conversation” is defined as the woman giving the man a truckload of sheeot until he finally just agrees to whatever it is she wants. I think that’s where we started with this, and so far, that’s where this conversation has gone. It isn’t working though, is it, women?

Kym, if a woman portrayed something she wanted of me to be a detailed instruction for a simple task that she was sure I’d screw up, I’d certainly tell her to do it herself. That’s not a tough conversation. That’s an invitation to look elsewhere for pleasant company.

DM, that’s an example of the “tough conversation” losing it’s original value of resolving an issue, and becoming nothing more than the imperative of winning a point that has become pointless in the process.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
2:54 pm

Kym: It’s not in our DNA we watched our grandfathers and father show us how to navigate the crazy that is woman. Your example is perfect.

Chick: Go to the sto and get some meat, carrots, eggs and vingar so I can make this pot-licca.

Dude: Didn’t you just come from the sto?

Chick: Why can’t you just do what I say?

Dude: The game is coming on in 5 min. When you gone make the pot-licca?

Chick: Right now!

Dude: You gon make it right now?

Chick: As soon as I finish my hair and get my nails done.

Dude: Fine I’ll go now.

Chick: Thank you!

4 hours has passed and Chick just finished getting her nails done.

Chick: Where are you? Did you get the stuff for the pot-licca?

Dude: Naw I forgot.

Chick: WTF! You forgot? Where are you?

Dude: Crickets

Chick: Crickets!!! (mumble, mumble, mumble) I’ll get it myself!!

Dude: I didn’t want to go in the first place.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
2:56 pm

“Men don’t avoid tough convo it’s part of our lives and upbringing.”

As is demonstrated over and over by the honesty and forthcoming with which you handle ALL of life’s situations, right?

“No, I can’t go out with you tonight because I’m going out with Sheila. However, I would still be willing to come over and break you off once I get done.” (That happens a lot, I’m sure.)

“I know you’re my wife, but I got my girlfriend pregnant.” (That’s all the cluttered chick’s fault too, right?)

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
2:56 pm

Real Life Example

ADude: I can’t give you what you want.
Me: How do you know what I want? I am not sure what I want.
ADude: Well I just know I can’t.
Me: Fine you can’t..so why are you still here?
ADude: Cause you want me here.
Me: I don’t want you to be anyplace you don’t want to be.
ADude: Fine I am here cause I want to be here..but I still can’t give you what you want..
Me: Oh good grief..why don’t you just stop coming around then?
ADude: Cause…
Me: Cause what?
ADude: Cause I am comfortable with you.
Me: You come around cause you comfortable..but you can’t give me what I want eventhough you don’t know what it is I want?
ADude: Right..Now come on over here and let me rub on you.
Me: Why not just say you come over here so I can rub on me?
ADude: But that’s not why..
Me: Are you high? Did you not just hear what you said..
ADude: Of course I heard what I said..I said I want to rub on you..are you not listening?
<<>>

abc

July 19th, 2010
2:58 pm

SC, those aren’t topics for tough conversations, those are grounds for divorce. Let the lawyers argue it out.

abc

July 19th, 2010
2:59 pm

Kym, again, that’s not a tough conversation topic; that’s just a clear indication of no future with ADude. Why are you wasting your time?

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
2:59 pm

So, you don’t talk about it? You just go get the lawyer? (Now THAT is funny.)

Tivo/DVR makes that 254p scenario an unnecessary exchange.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
3:00 pm

And that is when the Fight starts..Ohn and this should read..so you can rub on me not ..I

East Point's Own

July 19th, 2010
3:00 pm

If you think your instructions/requests are clear ask a man who is not involved in the relationship what he thinks about your instructions/requests… 8.752432990091 times out of 10 your instrucitions are clear to you, (and maybe to women who think like you), but they they mean something completely different to your man than you think or they are not very clear to your man…

My experience is that a lot of women leave out details that really matter in their directions/requests…

If you ask me to move an end table from your bedroom to the living room beside the couch, don’t say anything to me when its not to the right of the center window between the couch and the ottoman exactly 6 inches from the wall, cause you didn’t say all that in your initial request.

abc

July 19th, 2010
3:01 pm

If my wife came up pregnant with another man’s child, yes, straight to the lawyer. No unringing that bell, no matter how much conversation took place. What for?

If a chick I was dating offered to get to me as soon as she finished with some other man, then you can rely upon my newfound lack of interest in that chick. No conversation needed.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
3:02 pm

@abc..I did..ADude is still serving Uncle Sam headed to his next warzone.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
3:02 pm

Scool: So now we advance from tough convo to how all men handle any situation. Can you at least yeah out switch when you change topics? But um your two example is exactly the way I would handle it.

Kym: I read that dude is confortable around chick and likes to rub on her even tho he knows he can’t give her what she wants. So, he gets what he wants until he is no longer confortable around her. Why is that so hard to understand?

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
3:04 pm

So, if I have a preference or a complaint, I should say nothing?

Sure a person should express preference, but maybe not give it as much weight as a conflict (if any weight at all sometimes). People (sibling, romantic partners, coworkers, parents, etc.) may shut down around a person if the person consistently handles a 1-9 problems like it’s a 10.

Sometimes stuff is just a straight 0 (annoyance)…you may only want to mention it after strongly considering the consequences or just drop it until you have something worth mentioning.

But, if you routinely treat a 1 like a 5 and a 5 like a 10. People will start running from you or zoning you out.

Everybody has those moments when we’ve miscalculated the value of an issue…sometimes we (men and women) have to avoid making it a permanent stable of our personality.

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
3:04 pm

Melo

July 19th, 2010
3:06 pm

don’t say anything to me when its not to the right of the center window between the couch and the ottoman exactly 6 inches from the wall, cause you didn’t say all that in your initial request.

LOL EPO, exactly my experience with my woman..then when im done,she be like:

:evil: :shock: and

I THOUGHT U WLD KNOW!!

GTFOH !!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
3:07 pm

ForReal..cause why would any dude want or expect to rub on someone who knows he is only there for comfort? You want comfort buy a dog or a nice pair of slippers.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
3:08 pm

@East Point (and maybe others, i’ll admit ive lost track of who said what) – what about when she has given you all those instructions, details and all, and you all checked out between “move the table to the living room…..”, (insert instructions for exact placement) and “…oh, and im gonna get a pizza later, i’ll order one of those meatzza ones you like” because some flashy commercial came on. i say commercial, because out of respect to your game, she waited till the commercial to talk to you. but now, in the end when the table isnt where she asked you to put it, you claim she didnt tell you. you heard me ask you to move it, now your asking me where the pizza is so you heard that too, what happened to the middle, oh i only had half your attention, i see. but somehow thats my fault too, “cause you know i get distracted easy”….hmmmm

for me its called selective hearing and selective memory

Pretty in Black

July 19th, 2010
3:09 pm

I still think all you ladies need to do is mix that color up a little bit! Be open to variety chocolate gals you to close minded- Ya’ll got it in you dont you?

East Point's Own

July 19th, 2010
3:09 pm

@blue-7/30 The whole point of letting it slide is to not think about it or make a big deal of it… so of course we don’t count how many times we let it slide or how many times she let it slide…

If you decide to let something slide you have absolutely no right to complain about the ocassions when you let it slide in the past. If you can’t deal with something make it known as soon as reasonably possible. But don’t bring up old stuff from six days six months ago. So having said that… if you let somethign slide 10 times then you decide that #11 is your breaking point you are free to complain about instance #11 but instance 1-10 are forever pardoned…. LoL

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
3:09 pm

Understood, abc. But how do you know that if she doesn’t TELL you in a CONVERSATION?

It's me....lurker

July 19th, 2010
3:11 pm

Ladies, ya’ll know ya’ll ain’t crazy right? Just making sure

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
3:11 pm

I mean the white girls are gobbling up the black guys!

Written with such conviction…hysterical!!

duh

July 19th, 2010
3:12 pm

if you really love and/or care for a person, you will know when something is bothering them and you will sense something is off and inquire…..BUT only if you truly love and care for them. It is not that hard…at all.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
3:12 pm

for me its called selective hearing and selective memory<<<<Yeah it is…my son has already developed these conditions.

Willie Dynamite

July 19th, 2010
3:13 pm

Blue – you just described me. I admit it, Selective hearing. I just wait for the buzzwords in between the blah blah blah. Luckily we’ve already had that tough conversation (smile) and know how to deal with it on both sides.

abc

July 19th, 2010
3:14 pm

Regarding furniture placement, that’s one of those things that a woman will make assumptions that you can read her mind about where she means it to go — anything resembling decoration, furnishing or home-making in general, you can assume that she thinks you’re retarded about it. Get 2 chicks together and try to offer some input into whatever the current decorating/furnishing project is. They’ll look at you like you just escaped from the small school bus, then turn around and do what you said.

As tiresome as that can be, it’s another thing that I just let go. It’s not important enough to have endless “tough conversations” about. I just give over the total appearance of where we live to her. I do resist assertions that I’m somehow too inept to know the difference, though. I don’t really like half of what she decorates, and some of it she knows about, but it’s just paint color, things hanging on walls, junk collecting on the mantle. No biggie. I get to where I don’t really notice it’s all there, anyway.

GeorgiaBoy

July 19th, 2010
3:16 pm

My girlfriend says I never listen to her.
At least I THINK that’s what she said!

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
3:17 pm

Leggs “lonely” post is a perfect of example of chicks saying one thing and meaning another.”

No, that’s not a perfect example…that’s what you men would say we women do often…nit pick!!!

East Point's Own

July 19th, 2010
3:18 pm

@blue-7/30 the real answer is write it down, that way there is evidence of exactly what you communicated, and there is no arguement… but true story, and I tell people this in real life… dealing with me if its more than 2 steps involved you are best to write it down or email it to me, because I am not responsible for what ever happens after the second step in any verbally communicated request.
I can’t remember all that, especially if its not something I care about.

Don’t send me to the store with a list that’s not written.
Don’t ask me to clean this, then wash that, then make this,then fold those, then scrub that… cause I already forgot everything after wash that….

I mean imagine if I told you verbally how to go install a new set of brake pads on your car(assuming that you have never performed this task before)… you would probably be lost probably before I told you all the tools you will need. But to me its pretty much second nature, so you can’t expect someone to know what you think is common knowledge.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
3:18 pm

@East point – um k, got that 1-10 is pardoned. but in that scenario then, when 11 hits and i say dude wtf, you dont get to throw anything at me, 1-10,11, 0r 62, cause you’ve pardoned it by not bringing it to light then. so why when i say dude wtf, do you turn around and go well you know, you did 62 the other day and i didnt say anything? sounds…a little…contradictory…..

@its me – lol, thanks. sometimes we do need some affirmation on that count

abc

July 19th, 2010
3:19 pm

…course, that can turn into “I don’t appreciate what she does around the house”. One of those scenarios that you can’t win no matter what you say or do, so you mostly just shutup. I wouldn’t have characterized it as a “tough conversation” before today, but there ya go… bet a dollar that tonight it becomes a “I’ve been meaning to mention that” kind of convo.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
3:20 pm

Whodahell said furniture placement is a tough conversation?

Now, y’all are just being comedians.

And ForReal, I didn’t change the topic. I just gave an example of easy conversations.

Whats My Name Again?

July 19th, 2010
3:20 pm

@abc, I’m sorry but tough conversions don’t just apply to women giving men a hard time. It can happen the other way round as well. As a woman, I hate the “tough conversations” or “we need to talk” scenerio which translates into “you doing something wrong…again.” You know the important stuff such as not wearing six inch heels seven days a week. Or, the all important not wearing bootie shorts with the six inch high heels. Or, only wearing the tights as pants that shows off the camel toe but once a month and only when he brings it up. Lets see if I can re inact the scene.

Dude (with long suffering look on face): Hey
Chick (seeing look and is concerned): Baby, what’s wrong?
Dude: We need to talk.
Chick: What’s going on, baby?
Dude: I keep having to bring up the fact that you’ve only worn the tights you got two months ago, what twice?
Chick: I know baby, I’ve been busy. You know my mom’s been sick. I’ve been having to take care of her.
Dude: I understand that your mom isn’t feeling well, but I hate to have to keep bringing this up. It’s like you don’t ever do anything that I request of you.
Chick: That’s not true, I wore some heels about two or three times this week and I wore the bootie shorts just last week.
Dude: Yes but before that, when did you last put on the bootie shorts?
Chick (thinking): Well, I couldn’t really wear shorts because it was winter. It just started getting hot.
Dude: Still, its like I constantly have to bring this up and it seems like you really don’t care about what makes me happy. And when you got those tights, I was thinking I would see you in them more than once a month.
Chick (with WTF look on face): Ok baby, I’ll try to remember.

For Real

July 19th, 2010
3:22 pm

See lady what you call avoiding tough convo men call a complete waste of time. It’s just plain quicker to piss you off and end the convo. The number tool in a man’s toolbox to piss a chick off and end a convo is put on his “Mildly Retarded” hat. It works everytime.

Chick: blah, blah, blah and another thing blah, blah, blah, blah, and why yo mamma, blah, blah…..

Dude: Placing his Mildly Retarded hat snug on his head.

Chick: You so dayum stupid! I can’t stand yo azz!

abc

July 19th, 2010
3:24 pm

A man that pressures you to dress like a street walker on Ponce either has some personal problems, or has an agenda for you that has nothing to do with being SO. You don’t really think that’s something that can be talked out, do you?

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
3:24 pm

what about when she has given you all those instructions, details and all, and you all checked out between “move the table to the living room…..”,
Blue becuase that’s too much daggone stuff to remember about moving a table. I like my shirts ironed in a very specific way, so I don’t ask anyone else to do that for me because to them it probabaly just seems like too much daggone stuff to remember about ironing a shirt. lol

For Real

July 19th, 2010
3:26 pm

Scool: “And ForReal, I didn’t change the topic. I just gave an example of easy conversations.” – Topic Avoiding Tough Convos… you said “As is demonstrated over and over by the honesty and forthcoming with which you handle ALL of life’s situations, right?” and they not even spelled the same.

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
3:26 pm

Good one, What’s My Name.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
3:29 pm

@Dreams – ok, too many instructions. fine. but thats still your >/i> decision to ignore and forget or whatever you want to call it. its not me not knowing how to communicate. its not me being crazy or anything else. i told you exactly what i wanted/needed. you said youd do it. you didnt. end of story.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
3:30 pm

ok so didnt do the italics right, lol

For Real

July 19th, 2010
3:30 pm

Dumbest tough convo ever:

WHY YOU LEAVE THE TOLIET SEAT UP? I FELL IN THE BOWL BECAUSE OF YOU!

duh

July 19th, 2010
3:31 pm

Ladies, this topic has been looped around the block a few times, but shouldn’t be hard to understand why…..

Melo- African culture and tradition, married- she took him as he was, so he is not part of the dating world anymore….this would be too hard to deal with!!

abc- says he’s married….yeah…ok…good..he is off the market…good riddance!!!

For Real—does not want a serious relationship/ wife….dodge a bullet with this one

Dreams—-single by choice??? ….I don’think so

EPO….there’s still a slight glimpse of hope for him

East Point's Own

July 19th, 2010
3:32 pm

@blue-7/30 that speaks to the maturity of the person you are dealing with, and possibly the way you presented the issue. Like I said you should make issues known at or near the time they happen, then you won’t find yourself in a tit-for-tat situation because you will have already made your problems known.

Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!

July 19th, 2010
3:32 pm

This whole topic…just prove men and women communicate differently.. you hear what you want to hear..and react accordingly.

Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)

July 19th, 2010
3:34 pm

but true story, and I tell people this in real life… dealing with me if its more than 2 steps involved you are best to write it down or email it to me,

Yeah we know sometimes y’all don’t do well with all of that so there’s this thing…ummm I don’t know if you’ve heard of it…it’s ahh err ahh what’s it called again?…oh it’s called a honey DO listcause some of y’all will get it wrong if it’s not CLEARLY written down in print(cursive may be too much of a stretch for some)…I’m jus sayin

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
3:34 pm

Blue If I hear it and say I’ll do it, then I don’t turn around and complain about it. If I feel like it’s just too much, and I’ll just end up getting blasted for not doing it how she wants right, then I just decline to do it.

abc

July 19th, 2010
3:35 pm

It seems the only real constant in today’s topic and feedback is insults from the chicks. Actually, that’s pretty constant every day around here: both sides insulting the other. It’s getting to where worthwhile information is either rarely or never exchanged, or rarely or never acknowledged.

Suit yourself!

i'm swiss™ (from the airport)

July 19th, 2010
3:35 pm

I would comment on the current topic, but I tuned out once the conversation turned to what dudes need to do. ;-)

I would just like to publicly distance myself from pretty in black. Dude, seriously, if you’ve got enough going for you (and enough confidence in that fact) you can land a chick of any flavor. It’s about you, not them…

Whats My Name Again?

July 19th, 2010
3:39 pm

@Kym.. your 3:32 is so true. I can’t count how many times I’ve had a “discussion” with a SO and he repeats what I’ve said back to me phrased a little different to make his point but he is saying exactly what I’ve said to make my point, only its phrased differently. And vice versa. It’s as if you don’t phrase words a specific way and with a specific intonation, then the meaning is lost or gets flipped around.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
3:39 pm

Melo-she took him as he was…..this would be too hard to deal with!!

duh??

and u still waiting for the One that u can change and manipulate??

Good Luck (x 5) with that one! :lol:

Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)

July 19th, 2010
3:42 pm

Awwww wassa matter boo boo????

Swissie ^5 on that 3:35…

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
3:45 pm

it seems as if you guys have the idea that if a woman opens her mouth, its all down hill from there. shes emotional and irrational, and you’ll get blasted. its as if a woman cant ever have anything intelligent to say; anything that truly does need to be addressed or that could actually improve your relationship, you as a man, or her ability to be a good woman; or *gasp* that you have actually done something wrong. smh, smh

Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)

July 19th, 2010
3:45 pm

hasta luego blog familia!!!

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
3:45 pm

Duh thanks for your detailed and informed assessment of all the blog guys you’ve never met and know nothing about. Now would you kindly reveal yourself so that we can reciprocate with our own completely unfounded assumptions of you? Or would that be too tough a conversation for you to have?

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
3:46 pm

@Dreams – lmao

Melo

July 19th, 2010
3:47 pm

its as if a woman cant ever have anything intelligent to say; anything that truly does need to be addressed or that could actually improve your relationship

blue-7/30??

does addressing me on something that u urself do on the constant count?? I get that often too.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
3:49 pm

DreamsMaterialize??

duh is a duh_regular, too timid to reveal herself and opinions using her duh regular monniker!

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
3:49 pm

The pot is calling the kettle black! I like that.

Willie Dynamite

July 19th, 2010
3:51 pm

Ladies – Is this REALLY an issue in any of your lives? None of this is new but has it gotten to the point where its a dealbreaker with a current or past SO?

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
3:54 pm

if a woman opens her mouth, its all down hill from there. shes emotional and irrational, and you’ll get blasted. its as if a woman cant ever have anything intelligent to say;
Blue now you’re editorializing…cut that out. lol I hope that’s not how the ladies are interpreting the conversation. What I get from it is that men and women communicate differently, but we often project our own styles of communication on the other. This results in misalignment of the two people’s perceptions on a topic. Sometimes I don’t understand where a woman is coming from, and every woman I’ve been with can definitely probably say the same about me. It’s just something we all have to work on.

It's me....lurker

July 19th, 2010
3:58 pm

Dreams – I hope that’s not how the ladies are interpreting the conversation. that’s funny
This results in misalignment of the two people’s perceptions on a topic —-> hence the need to “talk”

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
4:00 pm

duh is a duh_regular, too timid to reveal herself and opinions using her duh regular monniker!
Melo lol but I don’t get it. why all the duplicity? what’s there to be timid about?

duh

July 19th, 2010
4:04 pm

I am not a regular, but I read you all a lot. Issues such as having a tough talk wiht your S/O is what makes the relationship stronger or break it! You all are going off into left field, talking about women wanting to talk about silly ish or stuff that is placed on “High Alert”, when really it is simple or can be handled on her own—-This type of silly ish is not what a “real” woman would do. You all are making it seem like nothing that a woman is talking about is worth your time to listen!!

Newsflash——If we don’t talk about the tough issues sooner or later,they will compile into something bigger—-at which point, it may be too late to talk.

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
4:04 pm

Dreams – I hope that’s not how the ladies are interpreting the conversation. that’s funny
why’s that funny?

This results in misalignment of the two people’s perceptions on a topic —-> hence the need to “talk”
Actually, hence the need to work on communication. All the talking in the world just devolves into arguing when two people aren’t attempting to communicate in a way that the other can understand.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
4:05 pm

WillieD…not in mine. I happen to be in a relationship with a man who understands what communication in a relationship requires.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
4:05 pm

@Melo – mr.blue has mentioned that too. and in my experience there is usually at least one detail (men would call minor, women significant)that makes the 2 similar but not the same.

ex. blue: we agreed no need for anybody to be calling the house after 10pm. so why is your cousin calling at midnight, 2am like clockwork?
mr.blue: its just what she do. besides your cousin calls at midnight, 2am and I dont say anything.
blue: yes but my cousin works nights, sleeps days. she cant call at regular hours. besides, we talked about this and you said you didnt mind because of her schedule. your cousin works 8am to 4pm, why cant she call b4 our agreed upon cutoff of 10pm?
mr.blue: ah, there you go again, always got to be on my back
blue: (to self – there i go again, doin what? thinking? i see)…

similar, but different.

@Dreams – lol. love a good sense of humor, even amidst tough conversations. sounds sarcastic, but seriously, love it lol. gotta be able to laugh, takes years off the soul. i appreciate yuor reference to misalignment, and think if more men presented it that way, women wouldnt be so defensive. but, IMO, my earlier statement is how most men are coming off today. Ladies: yes or no?

duh

July 19th, 2010
4:06 pm

Stop assuming that everyone who posts are regulars…..the AJC is online and be accessed even in other countries…..all this talk about perceptions and not understanding what is being asked of you is simple>>>>>>>>>>>>TALK TO HER/HIM…..if you care enough. that is all

Melo

July 19th, 2010
4:07 pm

You all are making it seem like nothing that a woman is talking about is worth your time to listen!!

Duh??

so why schedule a Diplomatic conference if its simple..why cant we handle that in regular convo like we do everyday??

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
4:11 pm

@melo – was wondering this earlier. agreed if we talk on the regular, appts shouldnt be necessary. but what about those guys out there, and there are plenty, who wont talk on the regular. or who used to b4 you became too attached to walk away, and now that you are, wont. you try to talk on the regular, they respond to a multiple choice question with a head nod, or dont respond at all and then when you repeat yourself (thinking he didnt hear you) come at you with “i heard you the first time”. what do you do with them?

Catherine

July 19th, 2010
4:16 pm

I know this is a little off topic blue-7/30, can anyone suggest a good website to find cars for sale by owner in Atlanta?

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
4:18 pm

Just because we bring up an issue as a matter of a topic in a *regular* conversation doesn’t mean that it’s not a *tough* issue.

So, what you GUYS are saying is that it’s not about the SUBJECT of the conversation; it’s about the MANNER in which it is addressed?

LOL!

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
4:19 pm

I am not a regular, but I read you all a lot.
Stop assuming that everyone who posts are regulars…..
Duh a person who reads regularly (”a lot”) is not a regular? Also, I never assumed that you were anything. I did, however, conclude that you were making unsubstantiated statements about others.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
4:19 pm

Catherine – Craigslist. And it’s nowhere *close* to the topic. LOL – but that’s okay. :)

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
4:22 pm

@Catherine – lol, off topic no problemo, but sorry no, i do not know of any. wait, think i heard something about AutoTrader.com once, but dont know much about it myself. Anybody else?
@SexyCool – lmao, mr.blue has said that to many times. its not so much the topic, but HOW i addressed him. sometimes that was because i did a simple thing like *gasp* turned the tv off when the game was over. whatever was i thinking…..

Melo

July 19th, 2010
4:23 pm

who used to b4 you became too attached to walk away,

@Blue??

thats the problem..females become too attached be4 they get other details outa the way…

however,there are instances where somebody aint doing what they used to do coz they have checked out emotionally…..thats on u to either use ur gut and cut ur loses amnd step or persevere and address the issue with him/her to see if u can get the gist of it……

what does ur pride/gut say??

DreamsMaterialize

July 19th, 2010
4:23 pm

So, what you GUYS are saying is that it’s not about the SUBJECT of the conversation; it’s about the MANNER in which it is addressed?
I didn’t say that. I don’t care what the topic is. Extend the same respect that I would extend to you, and we’re good…can talk about anything.

Willie Dynamite

July 19th, 2010
4:23 pm

SC – thats good, but YOU should understand that something can be miscontrued to be a Tough Conversation by one party and not the other. What is missing is the willingness to work through it in some cases.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
4:26 pm

Trust, WillieD, I understand.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
4:27 pm

Do men avoid tough conversations

@Scool??

that there is WD’s qstion on the blog heading…

and the answer is we dont..just bring it on..dont add to the angst by lacking in diplomatic skills..

Just say it without being emotional nor scheduling appointment.

Is the boyfriend a boyfriend by appointment anyway??

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
4:30 pm

@melo – thats on u to either use ur gut and cut ur loses amnd step or persevere and address the issue with him/her to see if u can get the gist of it……

and a male perspective/expectations, if she is chooses to “persevere and address”? is she, by choosing to try to work on it, somehow to blame if things sticks around and things remain the same?

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
4:30 pm

“Just say it without being emotional nor scheduling appointment.”

Melo – I happen to agree with that.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
4:37 pm

choosing to try to work on it, somehow to blame if things sticks around and things remain the same?

blue-7/30??

if u stick around,clearly to an outsider,the issue is not a deal breaker..meaning u can deal with it….

now,the bad part is to stick around hoping he will change and he doesnt and u blame it on dude..No..blame it on urself. It was ur decision.

If u stick around coz its not a deal breaker..dont be harping on it every now and then coz u only stressing urself….thats unnecesary high blood pressure..not healthy.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
4:40 pm

interesting, sounds as if if she doesnt bail from the jump, its not a deal breaker and therefor no need to be mentioned further. so she settles, and he gets to stay the same….

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
4:43 pm

DreamsM, I had a great weekend, but I have been busy working today. No time to play on the blog. :cry: What about you? I see you are holding it down.

@Catherine I am not sure what kind of car you are looking for, but Carmax is worth a look.

Melo

July 19th, 2010
4:45 pm

blue-7/30 ??

I can tell u that all the females in here(100%) who say smoking is a deal breaker..wait till they hit 40+ and still single and a good guy comes along,good job,one or 2 kids.clean cut,own home but he wont put his cigarrettes down…..

they jump on himquick and easy!

Wait and see… :lol: :lol: :lol:

Dirty Diana 101° ♠

July 19th, 2010
4:49 pm

Melo,

As for smoking it depends on what he is smoking. If dude lights up a nice cigar every now and then after a nice dinner…cool, but newports and black and milds everyday…no.

kimmie

July 19th, 2010
4:49 pm

“clean cut” & smoking usually don’t go hand in hand! LOL!!!

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
4:50 pm

Here we go with that whole “Single women are so desparate to have a man that they will accept anything.” schtick. It’s time to retire this piece of poppycock.

kimmie

July 19th, 2010
4:51 pm

Melo do you smoke?

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
4:54 pm

@Sexy – was thinking that too…smh. not all women are desperate, stupid, shallow, easily manipulated, and follow the dyck…smh

Melo

July 19th, 2010
4:54 pm

“Single women are so desparate to have a man that they will accept

@Scool..here we go with male/female meanings of words LOL

@Kimmie??

smoke what?? :lol:

I grew up with my uncle who smoked..proly still does…

very smart dude

kimmie

July 19th, 2010
4:55 pm

SCool – Right.

Anyway Melo, most dudes that smoke I’ve never even got a chance to find out whether he was a “good guy” or not, because no matter how hard you try, that cigarette smoke smell does not come out of clothes, hair, skin, breath, car, etc.

Luvbug

July 19th, 2010
4:56 pm

So, the answer is yes.

SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.

July 19th, 2010
4:56 pm

And if you’re a smoker at 40+, you probably look like death warmed over. Not attractive.

kimmie

July 19th, 2010
4:57 pm

they jump on himquick and easy!

Sounds hard up & desperate to me!LOL!!

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck…….

Melo – Cigarettes

Melo

July 19th, 2010
4:57 pm

So, the answer is yes.
@Luvbug

Its NO…I dont.never have a an adult….tried whilst in mid school

but my point remains!

Melo

July 19th, 2010
4:58 pm

@Kimmie??
never smoked collards either

Leggs

July 19th, 2010
4:59 pm

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. ~ Sigmund Freud

Good night!

kimmie

July 19th, 2010
4:59 pm

SCool – Hence my point, clean cut and smoker = 2 things that don’t go together!LOL!

Be easy everyone!

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
5:03 pm

nite Leggs, kimmie.

blue-7/30

July 19th, 2010
5:21 pm

just me left in here… (doing imaginay cartwheels) woohoo !!