Do men avoid tough conversations?
Hello everyone! I hope your weekend was wonderful. Mine was super busy and super fun. I had a really great time at the National Black Arts Festival (NBAF) this weekend. It was a weekend packed with music, art, food, and all the great things that make Atlanta so great!
I even managed to squeeze in a date with Ben, a guy I met last month at the airport. It’s like the 3rd time I’ve met a guy in the airport, oddly enough. Maybe I should hang out there even when I’m not flying!
The date went really well and the conversation was very engaging. We got on the subject of relationships and why they seem so hard to keep. Ben mentioned how a lot of women think that men don’t like or want to communicate. He said the reality is that some men love to talk but they aren’t at all comfortable with accusatory, emotional, or intense conversations.
Apparently women are fans of these types of conversations. Guys hear the dreaded, “We have to talk” and their eyes glaze over and they sort of check out altogether. I thought about a statement someone made during the taping of ABC Nightline ’s Face Off: Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find a Man .
The advice was that women should really make an effort to talk to when they are calm and in control of their emotions. The reasoning was that you would be able to discuss the issue you are having with him without coming across as nagging or irate. A lot of women have issues with discussing a topic they are passionate (read: ticked off) about.
Ben agreed with that sentiment and said that many people don’t have problems finding mates, they have issues keeping one. It’s mostly because we aren’t able to talk to one another effectively.
Has this been your experience too? Has communicating and resolving conflict proved to be harder than you thought in a relationship? How do you handle it?
Men, what is the best way to approach you when we feel upset, hurt, or disappointed ? Someone else at the show suggested that we take you to your favorite sports bar and discuss it over a beer.
I don’t know about that one. Could that actually be effective? Are men more comfortable talking to when they are in familiar surroundings? If more effort is made putting you at ease, would you be more inclined to hear us out?
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320 comments Add your comment
For Real
July 19th, 2010
12:19 pm
Tough conversations
The amount of time we do or don’t spend together. – “Not a tough convo”
Your kids are disrespectful. – “Subjective”
You discipline your kids stricter than you do mine. – “Subjective”
The frequency of sex – too much, too little. – “Tough for Men not for women”
Lack of sexual satisfaction (Not enough foreplay, Lack of skill) – “See above.. reduce frequency leads to selfish satisfaction”
Something is off, your habits and/or demeanor have changed (Are you cheating?) – “Attacking and accusatory”
No, I don’t want you to go to Brazil with your boys. – “Insecurity”
You’re not contributing to the household management. (Chores, Financial chores)- “Wrong choice”
You are making decisions without consulting me. – “Decision about self or the relationship”
You spend too much time with the boys. – “Controlling”
You spend too much money. – “In a marriage legit… Single none of your business”
You drink too much. – “Subjective”
You’re shutting me out. Why have you stopped communicating with me? – “Not sure what that even means”
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 19th, 2010
12:19 pm
I will never take to the idea of not addressing an issue simply because a person may take offense, have their feelings hurt or get angry with the discussion. That very conversation is what I would use to make decisions about how to govern myself going forward, because I am the only one I control.
To add to this statement, I can, however, control the way in which I address an issue in hopes of minimizing the extent of the damage or level of insult.
abc
July 19th, 2010
12:20 pm
Hence the common saying: “She ruined a perfectly good man”. That happens when she wins the so-called “tough conversations”. They’re all about getting her way.
Blue, we don’t have to listen. We can keep doing what we do. A woman cannot convince a man to change. He has to have that motivation within himself, has to want to please her because he values her presence, and that aspect is not enhanced by “tough conversations”.
abc
July 19th, 2010
12:23 pm
But hey, yall do what you want. It gets to be a bit of a strain to even type stuff in here about your tough conversations. Must be time for lunch or something.
Luvbug
July 19th, 2010
12:28 pm
Melo – Yeah, you’re probably right. The best bet is to screen it on the front end. If some issues slip by, you may have a few tough decisions to make…b/c you can’t make the person be more mature or follow through…no matter how many times you ask.
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
12:29 pm
@abc – true, you dont have to listen. you can keep doing what you do. but dont complain later when you had the opportunity to work this out with me, hit a compromise, or an equally beneficial solution, and instead a)you either chose to bail and now are lonely or having the same convo with another woman, b)have decided just to give in all together and are miserable for it, or c)she has decided to bail, see a)
For Real
July 19th, 2010
12:34 pm
Kym: “Being there but not being there..taking me for granted..or as I call it…..” – I and probably alot of men hear this from women. Can you give an example of “being there but not being there” (i.e. beckon and call) and “taking you for granted” (i.e. everything you do is a grand sacrifice)
Blue 7/30: Not deflecting or minimizing just stating actual behavior of women. The reason I stated those issues was to demonstrate the clutter that goes into the “tough convos”. Men are left trying to figure out root cause of your contempt because of the poor job of communicating. We aren’t your girl friends we don’t need a history lesson as how you came to your point, all we need to know is “What’s wrong”.
Melo: Women’s definition of “Lets talk” = Talk about what’s wrong with the man. Man’ definition of “Lets talk” = If we don’t fix these thing it’s over.
Dirty Diana 101° ♠
July 19th, 2010
12:34 pm
when u havent dipped into each other yet but still kinda figuring each other out
Melo,
Are you saying talk before you give the yams/cherry away??? I wanted to make sure because we had some dudes on here last we saying they get those yams on the first date!
Are you going to tell us a story after lernch??
Luvbug
July 19th, 2010
12:35 pm
Yeah, you’re probably right…Melo and abc
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
12:36 pm
“‘we need to talk’ is also a reflection on the females part, of not articualting what they want in a relationship,early on smetimes…”
I disagree. To have a talk like that usually results after a noticeable difference on how things USE TO BE. I tend to think more women state what they’re looking for in a relationship upfront and not spring their desires out of the blue. But, when pesonalities, attributes, issues take a dive, that’s when those 4 dreaded words are spoken by both the man and by the woman. You see, prime example of
we need to talk before things escalate out of control is Mel Gibson’s rants. It’s not only women who can’t talk without all the screeching!!
For Real
July 19th, 2010
12:37 pm
preach on abc….
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
12:40 pm
Can you give an example of “being there but not being there:
Being in the same house, but you constantly in the den watching tv all by yourself, or when I come in the wrong to sit down with a good book to enjoy your presence, you get up a good 15 mins later and leave and don’t come back…..we need to talk
For Real
July 19th, 2010
12:41 pm
Leggs: “I tend to think more women state what they’re looking for in a relationship upfront and not spring their desires out of the blue.” – I have to disagree with you. Woman do not state what they looking for upfront. They wait until see a gleam in the dude to before they make their feelings known hence the “lets talk” convo. Also, women have a sliding scale as to what they want. They can get everything they want in a man then decide they want some additional things as well. Then when those additional thing aren’t in the man they chose they take issue with him for not being what they want and then confuse it with he has changed when in reality SHE has done all the changing.
Luvbug
July 19th, 2010
12:41 pm
blue-7/30 – That’s right too. There are guys that start off shut down. They never listen then find themselves wondering why women leave them. He thinks he’s avoided the problem, but his lady has solved the problem by leaving him.
Now he’s lashing out at women and calling all women flaky…this and that.
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
12:42 pm
@For Real – interesting point. i think what alot of guys see as clutter is her attempt at making this a conversation not an arguement
@Leggs – lol, Mel Gibson. im still waiting to hear what it was that sent him on this tirade anyway. but agreed, its not only women who have communication issues.
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
12:46 pm
@ForReal ~ upfront means when they see the gleam…not with the first dang handshake.
Melo
July 19th, 2010
12:48 pm
You see, prime example of we need to talk before things escalate out of control is Mel Gibson’s rants
@Leggs??
that Russian lady knew from jump that Mel was a ranter and a drunk….thats a bad example Leggs!..prior taped ranters of Mel are testimony to that.
To have a talk like that usually results after a noticeable difference on how things USE TO BE
in some cases yeah but in most cases it may be because u want things to go this way and not that way altho that way was there be4 and when u came to the scene..the problem is because we slept tgehter first and ur emotions were succked in already, u did not rationally assess the pros and cons be4 we had the tango….now u realise u have to control the situation. Maybe too late
Are you saying talk before you give the yams/cherry away??? I wanted to make sure because we had some dudes on here last we saying they get those yams on the first date!
@Dirty D??
yes,thats what i mean…..when ur draws are gotten on a first date,u are already compromised. Ur word or “sit down invitation” counts zilch in the man’s mind and world.
U need to have a” lets talk” with a man that respects u..how much respect do i give u when I hit it on the first nite out and My dycck thinks u a whrre!
I will think of a story DirtyD!
For Real
July 19th, 2010
12:48 pm
Leggs: “Being in the same house, but you constantly in the den watching tv all by yourself, or when I come in the wrong to sit down with a good book to enjoy your presence, you get up a good 15 mins later and leave and don’t come back…..we need to talk” – WHAT?????? Your example sound like conflicting “wants” between two adults. Two adults want two different things. It’s a problem because one adult didn’t get what they wanted. Sound childess doesn’t it?
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
12:50 pm
@Leggs @12:40. exactly. when you have that person around and still feel lonely. when they dont notice if you and your book go. there but not there
Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!
July 19th, 2010
12:50 pm
Good Afternoon Good People!!!!!!
Waving @ Dirty Diana 101° ♠!
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
12:51 pm
It is so interesting reading you guys blast woman not knowing what they want, when they want it nor how to go about getting it. You guys are sitting on your high horses as though you are better. So many of you play the field, play games, lie cheat and borrow to get to another woman while trying to keep a mask over your present woman’s face. You guys are acting like you got your plan down and know exactly how to enact it. Well, believe it or not, you guys are just as confused as we are, if not more. Step down and breath the natural air we are and stop breathing in the stench from your own arse!
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
12:53 pm
@ForReal ~ the operative word was “constantly.”
For Real
July 19th, 2010
12:54 pm
Blue: “i think what alot of guys see as clutter is her attempt at making this a conversation not an arguement” – But the definition of communitcation is being able to UNDERSTAND what someone is saying (not to be confused with AGREEING with what the other person is saying) thus after a “lets talk” convo men are left with trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. To quote an old song “How in the hell do you expect me to understand when I don’t even know what’s wrong”
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
12:54 pm
@ForReal ~ No, it doesn’t sound childish. To be lonely in the presence of your mate is beyond childish!!!
Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!
July 19th, 2010
12:55 pm
Leggs good post! How are you doing?
For Real
July 19th, 2010
12:55 pm
Leggs: “the operative word was “constantly.” – “Constantly” just happens to fall on game day right?
Melo
July 19th, 2010
12:59 pm
So many of you play the field, play games, lie cheat and borrow to get to another woman while trying to keep a mask over your present woman’s face
@Leggs??
I will admit,we play the field becoz we know the enemy’s weaknesses. Females are reluctant to articulate certain things early on because they fear the bird might fly away. We use that against u by pressing for the goods without showing u our cards on where we stand. Thats a self esteem issue that u need to teach ur kid(and mine) coz im telling u like it is.
If a chic is self assured,she shld have no issues telling dude, “listen, I know we been seeing each other for few weeks now, my intend is to get married at some point after blah blah blah..whats ur take??”..if he flies away,it wasnt meant to be….if hes game,then obseve,listen and observe to see if he axts on ur desires,wishes, etc……
Its much better than compromising and then scheduling a “lets talk”
Too late!
For Real
July 19th, 2010
12:59 pm
Leggs: “No, it doesn’t sound childish. To be lonely in the presence of your mate is beyond childish!!!” – Again, men and women define things differently. Webster defines Lonely as: 1 a : being without company : lone b : cut off from others : solitary
2 : not frequented by human beings : desolate
3 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation
Now, what’s your definition of lonely?
Dirty Diana 101° ♠
July 19th, 2010
1:01 pm
Wasssssssssssssup Lady!!!
I see you cut second hour…LOL
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
1:01 pm
@For Real – see now i was trying to give you a good point, lol. understood the “clutter” tactic doesnt always work, but it is at least her attempting to try something rather than just start with the “screeching”. does she get any points for trying? and why am i supposed to put things on hold for game day? the BP well blew when it blew, so do women, yall think we plan these things purposely to ruin your tv watching schedule?
SlimOne
July 19th, 2010
1:01 pm
Slim: For Real baby…we need to talk
4real: awww, what is it now. You see i’m trying to watch the game!
Slim: I’m late….
4Real: Late?…(cough cough) are…you…saying…you’re..um…p p p pregnant?
Slim: No, i’m late for my herr appointment again and Keke said she would not take me if i was late again. What am I gone do?! I just can’t handle this!
For real now pulling weave out of Slim’s head.
Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!
July 19th, 2010
1:02 pm
yes ma’am! I ran out the door! LOLOLOLOL! that’s all! now I am seeing what is rockin’ on the playground! update me chica looks like good convo!
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
1:04 pm
grabbing some lunch, Leggs: will you watch my pony? his name is Fred
For Real
July 19th, 2010
1:08 pm
Blue: “it is at least her attempting to try something rather than just start with the “screeching”. does she get any points for trying?” – She gets point for trying but gets a demerit when dude says “baby I don’t understand what you want” and then she flies off the handle because she is make perfect sense to herself.
“and why am i supposed to put things on hold for game day?” – Exactly why am I suppose to put game day on hold for you. Respect what’s important to me and I will respect what’s important you.
i'm swiss™
July 19th, 2010
1:09 pm
Not to avoid a tough conversation or anything, but I’m out, peeps…
Off to the airport. Be good this week. Don’t do anything you’re boy swiss wouldn’t do. (That should give you plenty of lee-way) 
i'm swiss™
July 19th, 2010
1:10 pm
oops, your
lurker_1
July 19th, 2010
1:12 pm
Leggs, prior to 2008, sitting in the family room watching tv or reading the paper and she is in the kitchen or doing laundry, were typical in our house. No one is talking to the other…. major marriage killer. If not for one of God’s angels, we were headed over the cliff. I would be on here blogging about being separated/ divorce after twenty something years. Instead, she sits/lay on the sofa and sometime we both fall asleep on each other. This is way, way better than the previous years. Unfortunately it took an almost disaster to come to this space.
Lady-I'm the exception to the rule!
July 19th, 2010
1:14 pm
awwwww lurker_1………that staying power!!!! Kudos!
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
1:15 pm
@For Real – i think thats when what was mentioned earlier usually comes up. if youd “respected” me the first 3xs i tried to talk to you, when it wasnt game day, we wouldnt be here on game day. Respect whats important to me and i’ll respect whats important to you.
for those of who familiar with abbot and costello, ba-dum-bum, 3rd base
alrightee food….what to have, what to have….
Sassy Me...Chocolate Cutey :-)
July 19th, 2010
1:15 pm
Steppin in all kinds of late but here nevertheless.
Leggs your 12:51 says it all…
For Real
July 19th, 2010
1:17 pm
Slim: That’s funny as hell but sooooo freakin true. I dated a chick that did that too me.
Evian: (crying in the phone) For Real (sob, sob)
For Real: What’s wrong? Are you okay?
Evian: Yes I’m fine…
For Real: Then why are you crying?
Evian: (Sucking up snott) My hairdresser can’t take me today and imma have go to work next week with my undid cause im poss-da-take my driver license picture and hangout with Carrolla, Jeep (pronouned Hepset) and you know they hair always laid…. Hello, Hello, For Real!!!!
Evian: For Real we must’ve got cut off.
For Real: Naw I hung up like this CLICK!
abc
July 19th, 2010
1:18 pm
She: baby, I’m lonely.
He: what you talkin bout, I’m right here!
She: yeah, but you’re watching TV and ignoring me.
He: okay, what you want to do?
She: I don’t know…
He: How about some golf? Want to go to the movies? That exhibit down at the High? There’s a good play at the Alliance tonight.
She: No… I just feel like you don’t pay attention to me.
He: well come here and pile up on the couch with me and we’ll watch TV.
She: I want you to STOP watching TV and pay attention to me!
He: shuts up. Here it comes.
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
1:23 pm
@ForReal ~ not always, sometimes it falls on the night Housewives of Atlanta comes on.
@blue ~ Fred the Pony! That is too funny. Can Lil leggs ride him. Wait, her feet are still on the ground. What kind of pony is this?
“and why am i supposed to put things on hold for game day?” – Exactly why am I suppose to put game day on hold for you. – Look at you guys. You put game day in the equation to better your argument. Hell, it can be any damn show on tv, not game day. We respect you on game day, the Super Bowl, Final Four, NBA Playoffs, etc. We know not to bother you unless we’re sitting beside you nekkid with beer and chicken wings in your lap!
Didn’t mean beyond childish…meant to say nothing childish about it!!!
And, for the record, ForReal, who gives a rat’s behind what Webster’s definition is! We know the true meaning of “lonely”. As usual, you men want to turn something so simple into a game of semantics. Cool.
SlimOne
July 19th, 2010
1:23 pm
For Real – that hair thing is something serious! I’ll never forget my regular bootician (lol) had a family emergency so she had to cancel on me. That left me having to fend for myself and try a newbie hairdresser. All I know if I left out of that place crying…only to go home and have to do it all over again. I looked like I was wearing one of those huge helmets from Space Balls
Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!
July 19th, 2010
1:23 pm
@For Real Sorry went to lunch..
Being there not being there..going thru the motions..
It’s Friday..every other weekend for the last six months..Dude and Dudette..meet up and go out for dinner or movie and home for bump and grind get up Saturday morning got to the Waffle House or IHop for breakfast and then any other activities..they can think of. Dudette suggest instead of dinner/movie they go to a show(New Film fest or something playing in Midtown)..
Dude’s response: Why?
Dudette: Because it will be a good change..you know we are kind of getting in a rut and I thought this would be a nice change of pace?
Dude: A rut? What you talking about?
Dudette: Well for the past few weekends(under her breath she says six months) we have done the same thing every weekend. I thought this would be a nice change of pace
Dude: Uh huh?
Dudette: What?
Dude: Nothing..we can do something different but I am not doing that!
Dudette: Fine what would you suggest different.
Dude: How about we go to Hooters instead of JR Crickets’s then instead of sex in the bed we do on the living room floor..that way I don’t miss the season premier of Burn Notice. Then Saturday morning we can go to the Huddle House..that’s different right?
Dudette: No joker it’s not..
Dude: Okay how about instead of three positions..I throw in a four position..I saw this flick and the chick..
>>>>This is where the fight starts..
For Real
July 19th, 2010
1:24 pm
Blue: So how many times is a dude suppose to listen to the same cluttered message from a chick? How many time and how many ways does a dude have to say I don’t know what you are talking about before the chick realize the only person that understands what she is saying is herself? I said it before but I will say it again…. Chicks seem to able to put together a coherent, logical, and well thoughtout message at work but can’t for the life of them piece one together when dealing with their man.
DreamsMaterialize
July 19th, 2010
1:24 pm
Ok here’s why dudes get frustrated with the whole “let’s talk” thing. Guys aren’t really into confrontation like that, so we let lots of things that you do ride. If it’s not life threatening or a deal breaker, then we don’t even feel the need to address it. What makes us mad about “the talk” is that alot of times it’s about some stuff that we let ride all the time when you do it. So, why all the urgency when I do it this one time? Our thinking is like GTFOH with that shyte. On top of that, if I tell you that I let it ride when you do it, you’ll accuse me of being “tit for tat”. No, I let it ride, so should you…no convo needed.
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
1:26 pm
“I will admit,we play the field becoz we know the enemy’s weaknesses. Females are reluctant to articulate certain things early on because they fear the bird might fly away”
Not this female! And I know a lot who are not reluctant.
And, for the record, some of you purposefully hook up with those who won’t speak up simpy to make your job easier!!!
It's me....lurker
July 19th, 2010
1:26 pm
Topics like that seem to me to have less to do with what he does, but more to do with who he is. You can’t change who he is.
I’m not understanding the separation here. What a man does is a result of him and character
Oh, and the comment on “constant distrust”….anything constant calls for change
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
1:26 pm
Oops, Hello Lady, how you doing this fine afternoon?