Do men avoid tough conversations?
Hello everyone! I hope your weekend was wonderful. Mine was super busy and super fun. I had a really great time at the National Black Arts Festival (NBAF) this weekend. It was a weekend packed with music, art, food, and all the great things that make Atlanta so great!
I even managed to squeeze in a date with Ben, a guy I met last month at the airport. It’s like the 3rd time I’ve met a guy in the airport, oddly enough. Maybe I should hang out there even when I’m not flying!
The date went really well and the conversation was very engaging. We got on the subject of relationships and why they seem so hard to keep. Ben mentioned how a lot of women think that men don’t like or want to communicate. He said the reality is that some men love to talk but they aren’t at all comfortable with accusatory, emotional, or intense conversations.
Apparently women are fans of these types of conversations. Guys hear the dreaded, “We have to talk” and their eyes glaze over and they sort of check out altogether. I thought about a statement someone made during the taping of ABC Nightline ’s Face Off: Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find a Man .
The advice was that women should really make an effort to talk to when they are calm and in control of their emotions. The reasoning was that you would be able to discuss the issue you are having with him without coming across as nagging or irate. A lot of women have issues with discussing a topic they are passionate (read: ticked off) about.
Ben agreed with that sentiment and said that many people don’t have problems finding mates, they have issues keeping one. It’s mostly because we aren’t able to talk to one another effectively.
Has this been your experience too? Has communicating and resolving conflict proved to be harder than you thought in a relationship? How do you handle it?
Men, what is the best way to approach you when we feel upset, hurt, or disappointed ? Someone else at the show suggested that we take you to your favorite sports bar and discuss it over a beer.
I don’t know about that one. Could that actually be effective? Are men more comfortable talking to when they are in familiar surroundings? If more effort is made putting you at ease, would you be more inclined to hear us out?
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320 comments Add your comment
I am whatever you say I am
July 19th, 2010
11:07 am
Swiss, i sent you an email
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 19th, 2010
11:08 am
Tough conversations
The amount of time we do or don’t spend together.
Your kids are disrespectful.
You discipline your kids stricter than you do mine.
The frequency of sex – too much, too little.
Lack of sexual satisfaction (Not enough foreplay, Lack of skill)
Something is off, your habits and/or demeanor have changed (Are you cheating?)
No, I don’t want you to go to Brazil with your boys.
You’re not contributing to the household management. (Chores, Financial chores)
You are making decisions without consulting me.
You spend too much time with the boys.
You spend too much money.
You drink too much.
You’re shutting me out. Why have you stopped communicating with me?
It's me....lurker
July 19th, 2010
11:11 am
Men are Neanderthals.
Men tax a woman’s patience in ‘getting away with things’
Men will push the limit of acceptable behavior
Men blame women for having a problem with these things due to hormones and emotions
Men do not take responsibility for themselves
–Neanderthals? That’s a nonissue. That’s what men are…no changing that no point in trying.
–”Getting away with things” – Valid issue. Cheating or less than forth coming comes to mind. Don’t think me silly if that’s a problem. Either you in or out but it’s not asking too much to be solid with me.
–”Acceptable behavior” – Again, cheating and less than forthcoming, stringing along, etc., comes to mind. Do unto others is about as “acceptable” as we’re going to get. If it’s not cheating, whatever the issue…if it’s not acceptable for receiving (that being you), then it’s a given you shouldn’t dish it.
–Women’s emotions. Yes some men do blame. Not a valid issue. If I may, someone said a long time ago during a discussion, women bleed red every 28 days, shed tears if hurt, blue if sad…part of what she is. If you want someone emotionless, get a man. Otherwise woman and emotions are synonymous. Being emotional all the time though is excusable.
–Men taking responsibility. If you’re a cheat or liar or lazy or a bum then say so (part of being forthcoming) and allow the woman the option to deal or not. Don’t allow those things to surface and blame her for the crazies because you’re irresponsible.
abc
July 19th, 2010
11:12 am
Other than disrespectful kids, most of the other things on that list explain why he’s stopped communicating and spends less time with you. Brutal!
Just sayin. Maybe it’s just me.
It's me....lurker
July 19th, 2010
11:13 am
Being emotional all the time though is excusable.
“UNEXCUSABLE” is how that should have read
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
11:14 am
@abc – true, Insinuation of laziness prob wont go over well with anyone, but if thats whats happening, either we deal with the issue, take the lumps and hopefully get better, or we ignore it, you get to keep being lazy, i get to keep taking up your slack growing more resentful the while. how is that better? fam, sure there are nay-sayers on both sides most of the time, but you would expect that your woman would at least attempt to stand up for you. if for nothing else, so that when they continue to be disrepectful she can look you in the eye and say she loves you and she tried, not “shes my mother/sister whoever, thats just how she is”
agreed, your manner of help on the homefront does not seem typical, but should be appreciated. i do think that is a common problem women create when they do not acknowledge an effort made. he trys, she does not acknowledge or continues to complain, he says d@mned if i do d@mned if i dont. seems sometimes a simply “thanks for doing the dishes” would be helpful.
Melo
July 19th, 2010
11:14 am
@Slimone??
nothing on ur 10.54 warrants a “we need to talk”..when u meet in the evening..just talk…why do u need an appointment to talk with ur loved one?
I am whatever you say I am
July 19th, 2010
11:15 am
Enter your comments here
CoolShadow
July 19th, 2010
11:18 am
Has communicating and resolving conflict proved to be harder than you thought in a relationship? How do you handle it?
It’s proved to be most difficult in my experiences when there are contrasting communicatory styles, i.e., logic vs. emotional. I try to maintain communication with a calm, thoughtful and consistent manner and responding in kind will get you the farthest with me. But if you’re illogical and contradictory in communication I’ll call you on your argumentative flaws but if you’re a screaming banshee and emotional wreck, I’m shutting down and game over. Also communicating with persons who hear but don’t listen to what you’re saying is always a challenge.
Men, what is the best way to approach you when we feel upset, hurt, or disappointed? Someone else at the show suggested that we take you to your favorite sports bar and discuss it over a beer.
Just simply tell us what’s up when it comes up. Seething for days and weeks over an issue that might’ve been resolved in little or no time is stressful and counterproductive to communication. Expecting us to be mind readers to know that something’s wrong will never work, especially in the early stages when you’re still learning each other.
Are men more comfortable talking to when they are in familiar surroundings? If more effort is made putting you at ease, would you be more inclined to hear us out?
Discretion and trust are more important than the surroundings. I prefer environments where we can speak at normal volumes yet not have everybody within earshot listening and tuning in to our conversation. An extremely loud restaurant where you have to scream over the din is not the place to talk.
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 19th, 2010
11:18 am
Oh..and disclaimer…these are not *my* issues. And your 1112a post said absolutely nothing, abc.
Run4Life
July 19th, 2010
11:19 am
^5 @Lurker. Don’t misbehave, and then say we have issues or are crazy. That is the #1 answer that men say about women they longer date.
So ladies, I want you to know, that I defend women and tell the guys that it was probably something that you’ve done or didn’t do, they made her suspect of you.
And I know that men are into each woman differently. Just because he treated her badly doesn’t necessarily mean that he will treat me badly, and vice versa.
i'm swiss™
July 19th, 2010
11:19 am
Mail call, i am…
Luvbug
July 19th, 2010
11:20 am
Duh!!
Got it!!
Thanks for all the examples. The only thing is I can’t imagine wo/men starting off harsh with these sensitive topics. I mean, what’s decided after the issues have been addressed the first 1-5 times (on the really tough topics…excluding chores and whatnot)?
There is a point when somebody has to concede right b/c the other isn’t giving in??
I’m not trying to be rude here…it’s just that I’ve yet to encounter many of the examples given.
It's me....lurker
July 19th, 2010
11:24 am
Run4Life – So ladies, I want you to know, that I defend women and tell the guys that it was probably something that you’ve done or didn’t do, they made her suspect of you.
Me too. Being a woman and knowing women (not all but enough), we ain’t suspicious unless given a reason. I NEVER discount my gut feelings. If I get something in my gut that’s something is not adding up, I’m not going to become Dick Tracy per se, but I’m keeping my eyes opened and ears to the ground. When it comes to surface, because it will, be a man be responsible and own it. I can respect you better.
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
11:27 am
@LuvBug – “Any person should expect some firmness by the third request of the same request”. exactly. why do you make us repeat ourselves so ofte, you want to be taken seriously when you speak?
1st time – honey, would you check on the kids, their yelling about something
2nd time – honey i think Rose just swallowed a dime, would you please check on her
3rd time – honey, im watching our 3 year old in the tub, he cant swim you know, i need you to check on Rose
4th time – GET OFF YOUR @SS AND CHECK ON TEH KID!!!
@SexyCool – your lists dead on. and i think abc’s comment “most of the other things on that list explain why he’s stopped communicating and spends less time with you” lends to the point that a lot of women feel, if we dont let them just do whatever they want, then we are emotional naggers. no one, me or most anyone else, gets to do whatever htey want. deal with it. you chose a relationship, at some point you are accountable to that person for how you behave, good or bad.
LoveLife
July 19th, 2010
11:27 am
@Kym: Wisey I have a problem with tough conversations. But because I have a tendancy to aim for jugular at times when it comes to certain things..I will go all in and just let it flow.
That’s a recipe for being alone. In a relationship, whether it’s with your family or a significant other, ‘going for the jugular’ is a means to ending the conversation and running the other person away.
Just sayin… Now I’ll go back and read the other comments.
Melo
July 19th, 2010
11:28 am
@Dirty Diana 101!!
Wassssssuuuuup!
It's me....lurker
July 19th, 2010
11:30 am
blue 7/30 – if we dont let them just do whatever they want, then we are emotional naggers. no one, me or most anyone else, gets to do whatever htey want. deal with it. you chose a relationship, at some point you are accountable to that person for how you behave, good or bad.
You are dead on sweetie.
abc
July 19th, 2010
11:31 am
Maybe not to you, SexyCool, but I’d wager it spoke to most.
If a man complained to a woman about sexual frequency or technique, she’d never have sex with him again — or if she did, she’d not be able to think about much else other than the criticism. One might as well hang it up, at that point. If this kind of topic arises as part of a “tough conversation”, then to me, the relationship just went toxic. I’d be out. Heaven forbid I should be married to a partner like that.
Constant suspicion of cheating, i.e., lack of trust, is a relationship killer. If the suspicions are warranted, then that’s also a relationship killer — or, the relationship is already dead.
You spend too much, you drink too much… to me, if you have to dictate things like that to a man, and they’re actually really problems, then it indicates a personal problem beyond the help of a “tough conversation”. More likely, these are things which are part of his personality, character, or preferences, which you can’t change anyway. If you didn’t know these kinds of things before becoming committed, you should have.
In any event, those things certainly lead to lack of communication and avoidance, if not breakup, in my view.
Run4Life
July 19th, 2010
11:32 am
When it comes to surface, because it will, be a man be responsible and own it. I can respect you better.
Exactly.!
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 19th, 2010
11:34 am
So, whatindahell do we do about these issues if we don’t talk about them?!?!? Just pray that they go away or resolve themselves or God forbid, accept them.
Dude, you’re making, like, NO sense with that drivel.
SlimOne
July 19th, 2010
11:35 am
melo – you may or may not be aware that often times when a chick feels she needs to lay everything out on the table about something thats bothering her, she has already played and re-played what it is she wants to say to you in her head. She goes over it to ensure that no bullet points are left untouched…so maybe having a “We need to talk” appointment is more like a Showtime. LOL! And I just think the whole “we need to talk’ is basically saying, hey i have something I want to get off my chest and I want your undivided attention during that time. That’s all. Not saying it makes sense but that’s the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
11:35 am
@Luvbug ~ you and WD seems to be dating the same person, Ben (hmmmmm)! LOL
abc
July 19th, 2010
11:36 am
If these issues exist, you’re with wrong man, SexyCool. You can’t change basic characteristics of a person. Don’t try to change a man that you don’t like, go get a man that you DO like. Let the man go find a woman that likes him for what he is. That’s what he wants, anyway.
Melo
July 19th, 2010
11:37 am
@Scool??
I took 2 from ur list : You spend too much money (b) sexx
with me, i never have to schedule an apponitment to talk…….i just say it in normal convo…
this past weekend,she said she wanted to go with the kids to buy school clothes coz she wants to prep for the new term…i said, whats wrong with the clothes they wear now..dont they wear clothes..they dont wear uniforms except for (1) so what u need clothes for at the beginnning of every term??..had I not said so,she was gonna come with a boat load of stuff for them coz i know,my kids dont walk about nekked…..they came back with a much reduced load.
no need for a sit down
same with sexx..when i aint getting it in a cppple of days and am horny, im just gonna say “hey baby, I need sex tonite..if i dont phlcukk u,who do I phluckk??”..that gets the attn the issues deserves..no need for a sit down either.
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 19th, 2010
11:41 am
Melo – I agree with you. *IF* I had either of those issues, I wouldn’t make the discussion a big to-do. I would address it normally. I don’t *schedule* talks. And I don’t ever say, “We need to talk.” I just talk. Signaling it as a *need to talk* issue immediately puts a magnifying glass on the issue and tends to add unnecessary stress to the issue.
All that being said, it doesn’t make either issue less *tough*. It is what it is.
And abc, we are never going to agree on this topic. I will respect your right to see it your way and hope that you respect my right to do the same.
abc
July 19th, 2010
11:43 am
That’s fine. The topic requests men to respond to the issue of “tough conversations”, do what you will with the feedback, or nothing, as you wish.
Dirty Diana 101° ♠
July 19th, 2010
11:44 am
Melo,
I see the point you and the other fellas are making. Why sit down with these formal conversations just talk like you been doing???? Make sense and it makes for a better conversation. I think you all are on to something I am going to try it that way and see what happens.
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 19th, 2010
11:46 am
And you requested specific examples, which once provided, you then proceeded to shoot them all down as non-issues and/or personality traits and basically seem to promote not addressing concerns, but accepting them or ending the relationship.
Dirty Diana 101° ♠
July 19th, 2010
11:48 am
I hate to say it, but I agree with some of the guys if you have to talk about drinking, cheating and lack of trust you are probably with the wrong dude.
I think the tough conversation is when the relationship is in transition, and you are trying to figure out if the guy is going to the next level.
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
11:49 am
@melo – i agree that the “we need to talkk” sentence by itself is off puting, why do we need to make an appointment. in my case, i am guilty of doing it that way at times, and it comes out not as a regualar thing for all discussions but i think more a sign of my own weariness about the topic. we’ve done it b4, didnt go well, and I am uneasy about doing it again, but it needs to be done all the same. or simply, as Slim mentioned, i am gonna need your undivided attention. no tv, no friends over, no sudden need to go to the store, i need you present and attentive, thinking cap on
Dirty Diana 101° ♠
July 19th, 2010
11:49 am
Disclaimer: I think a “we need to talk” in a marriage is different than a “we need to talk” when single or shacking.
abc
July 19th, 2010
11:49 am
No, I offered feedback as to why a man would shut down and refuse to participate in a prepared tough conversation about them. As my first post today was intended to point out, imagine being faced with that yourself. How would you react? Blow up at him, have a get-down-drag-out all about it? A man isn’t going to do that. He’ll just shutup, and sooner or later, make himself scarce, seek company elsewhere — if faced with topics such as most of those you provided. Topics like that seem to me to have less to do with what he does, but more to do with who he is. You can’t change who he is.
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 19th, 2010
11:52 am
“How would you react? Blow up at him, have a get-down-drag-out all about it? A man isn’t going to do that. He’ll just shutup, and sooner or later, ”
Both of those modes of response suggest a lack of maturity.
kimmie
July 19th, 2010
11:53 am
One thing I really appreciate about my mother is that she never let me use being a woman or hormones as an excuse for anything, especially bad, emotional behavior. She told me that’s why women don’t get respected. Whatever the situation, you get yourself together, suck it up and deal with it. Don’t be weak and helpless and crazy. This advice has served me well. Some may take issue with that, and that’s okay, it’s worked well for my mother and generations before her and me. And it didn’t make any of us any less feminine or attractive or incapable of “submission”.
So I have a real hard time with a lot of this.
Luvbug
July 19th, 2010
11:58 am
Leggs – I don’t get it, but I’m sure it’s funny. LOL
If you mean a ghost…not really. I don’t have kids, have never shacked and have never shared money or an account with a guy, so I have no relative real life experience with many of the examples given.
So far, the only critical issues that I’ve had to face are cheating or chronic lying. Chronic lying gets a reasonable mention (no sit down) and repeat offenses ended in an exit…cheating has gotten an “I know what’s up” (no sit down)…I’m out.
I wasn’t polite in communicating my exit in either case. I’ve enjoyed ending with a bang sometimes.
As it may relate to the topic…major instances of being over the top with men for me may include just regular disagreements on hot topics.
Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!
July 19th, 2010
11:58 am
Okay I am catching up..Main example I can think of a tough conversation is..the guy who is there(in body) but not in mind. In other words..dude has gotten so comfortable with everything that the effort to make the relationship work and keep it fresh..is just gone. How you start.. is how you finish..if you come out the gate all in and being attentive..(WE LIKE ATTENTION!!) Now it’s just the pass me the remote..”why we watching this”..”another Law and Order marathon..”..Can you fix me a glass of Kool-Aid? Hello!?? When did I become Hazel? Annnnnnnnd at the suggestion of doing something different..Before said guy would say okay how about_____? and have a suggestion..Now it’s just..”I don’t know what you want to do.?” And when a suggestion is made..”Nawww I don’t feel like doing that..then another suggestion is made..naww I don’t want to do that..either<<<This is where the fight starts. Cause really now it's just annoying.
To quote Jill Scott.." I don't want to lose this good life but I ain't scared if I'm gonna be the only one participating in it..Cause I'm lonely whenever your around."
Now
Dirty Diana 101° ♠
July 19th, 2010
11:58 am
@blue did you do the we need to talk thingy while you and your husband dated?
Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!
July 19th, 2010
12:02 pm
Ohhh come on blog monster..why you got to eat my post.
abc
July 19th, 2010
12:02 pm
“lack of maturity”, “men are neanderthals”, all that kind of rebuttal is nothing but name calling, and fighting words. It’s absolutely the kind of thing that a man will shun, you won’t get anywhere in a discussion — shall we say, negotiation? — using that kind of tactic.
For Real
July 19th, 2010
12:03 pm
What up Blog Fam.
Since men and women define things differently a “tough convo” needs to be defined.
Women “tough convo”:
1. Bad hair day
2. Don’t have nothing to wear
3. Lele said my breath stank
4. My mamma trippin again
Men “tough convo”:
1. Money or lack thereof
2. Job or lack thereof
3. Car (note & maintenance)
4. House (note & maintenance)
5. Does my butt look big in these jeans
East Point's Own
July 19th, 2010
12:06 pm
The phrase “we need to talk” should be banned from all relationships… that would end all the problems stated above…LoL Just say what you need to say, “we need to talk” automatically causes problems…everybody knows that nothing good ever comes after “we need to talk”
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
12:08 pm
maturity – interesting word. i think a lot of times, thats what the woman is looking for. for you to behave as an adult, not a child who somehow has not yet learned that actions/inactions have reactions.
ex. – tit for tat if i tell you i have an issue with you, id like to deal with this issue. can we then deal with THE issue, not 10 minutes of you attackng me because im not perfect either. no, im not perfect either. but you had the option, just like i did, of being adult and approaching me if you had a problem. you didnt. you wait till your on the carpet and lash out. where is the maturity in that?
@Diana – i did when the first time we dated. we were high school sweethearts, and the we need to talk thing actually came out leading up to the break up and then the break up. we got back together years later, and when we were re-dating (lol) dont think it came up then he’d probably say different tho lol
Leggs
July 19th, 2010
12:09 pm
@Luvbug ~ I apologize. I didn’t realize you were repeating what WD said while on her date. I thought you were talking about a date YOU went on. Reading comprehension is fundamental…
Luvbug
July 19th, 2010
12:12 pm
No biggy Leggs…I get lazy and don’t change the font of what I’m highlighting. LOL
SexyCool - Joy bubbles over.
July 19th, 2010
12:12 pm
I haven’t called anyone a name. And my “lack of maturity” statement was an observation submitted in this forum as a result of this discussion and is not my method of dealing with topics in my personal relationships that may make one or both parties uncomfortable.
I will never take to the idea of not addressing an issue simply because a person may take offense, have their feelings hurt or get angry with the discussion. That very conversation is what I would use to make decisions about how to govern myself going forward, because I am the only one I control.
Kym-Shake it fast..Watch-cha Self!!
July 19th, 2010
12:12 pm
Alright the short version..since the blog monster is hungry..
Main complaints that have caused me to go batty after letting the pressure build..Being there but not being there..taking me for granted..or as I call it….. “You know you love me..you ain’t going no where attitude. No one wants to be the only person working at the relationship. To quote Jill Scott..”I don’t wanna lose this good life but I ain’t scared..if I’m gonna be the only one participating in it..cause I’m lonely whenever your around.”
blue-7/30
July 19th, 2010
12:15 pm
@For Real – thank you fro an example of deflection and minimizing. Women (most at any rate) are concerned with more than how they look and what their friends say. IMO, boiling women down to that just makes it easier to rationalize the attitude that you dont have to listen and can keep doing what you do.
Melo
July 19th, 2010
12:15 pm
I kinda feel that the “we need to talk” is also a reflection on the females part, of not articualting what they want in a relationship,early on smetimes…if u want marriage at the end,the man has to know this..and the best way to let him know is during the exploration stage..when u havent dipped into each other yet but still kinda figuring each other out…..
This also wld include some of the things SexxyCool highlighted in her list,like drinking beer.(excessively) Some of these things u have to figure them be4 u throw urself in the sack coz it may be too late when ur emotions have been sucked in already then u want dude to change his drinking habits coz u there…
It may be too late and rather than discuss that rationally, u too angry now so u gather ammo and say,”lets talk”…..
“”Lets talk”" is always viewed by man as a “brace urself” kinda thing….I expect ” we need to talk” if u Prego “accidentallly” s(thats the worst case scenario i can think of) and we need to decide if we killing this or we moving on as a cpple!
Thats kinda my exception to the rule.
abc
July 19th, 2010
12:16 pm
I find that the same things that are initially attractive can become the very things people take issue with down the road.
At first he’s a casual free spirit that knows how to have a really spontaneous good time. Later, that represents being irresponsible and immature. They can go together, and they can’t necessarily be separated — this is a pretty common complaint among women, I find. I’ve been faced with it myself. Being fun is attractive at first, then security is more important, but being fun is still important. Get to know who the person really is before you hook up. Forcing your concept of responsibility can kill what was once fun about him, and you’ll make him miserable in the process. Then what have you gained?