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Dating: Has the definition of single changed?

I suppose I should not be shocked whenever it turns out someone is not as “single” as they claimed to be.  I recently exchanged numbers with a guy (younger) who pretended to be unattached.

It wasn’t until I got a call from his significant (and livid) other that I learned he was involved with someone.  They actually lived together. What made him think he could date me in his situation? I had to laugh at how pathetic that entire incident was. I’m too old for this!

It is so annoying to discover you wasted your time on someone who decided to “hedge their bets” on the dating game.  I can understand dating around and keeping your options open as long as you are upfront and honest about it.  It is rare to find someone who tells you the absolute truth about his or her relationship status.   Even on Facebook that ridiculous “it’s complicated” feature perpetuates the problem.

When I meet someone that sparks an interest, I ask them the question are you married or seeing someone special.  This is a pretty clear question right?  Why is it hard to admit you are in a relationship or working on one?

Do I need to frame the question differently? Should I specify by asking about live-ins, separated from wife, etc.?

When you meet people, how do you determine if they are actually single and available?  Would you still be interested in someone if they were involved with another person?

435 comments Add your comment

Purple Rain

July 6th, 2010
4:22 pm

Leggs, how are you?

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:23 pm

@i’m swiss ~ you want to go in “time out?” :lol: :lol: :lol:

Purple Rain

July 6th, 2010
4:23 pm

Honey, I know, I know, I know times are changin’
It’s time we all reach out for something new, that means you too
You say you want a leader, but you can’t seem to make up your mind
And I think you better close it and let me guide you to the purple rain

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:25 pm

@PR ~ doing well. Your horse seems to have a lot of mileage on it since you first arrived. Think it’s time to have him re-shoed (is that the right terminology) and fitted with a new saddle. Too many stains on that one!

Professor

July 6th, 2010
4:29 pm

Jacobite47, welcome to the blog.

I just want to say, “Get’er done poppa swiss” I had to let that out.

@lurker, for some reason I hate compliments like that…they seem so backhanded to me as if we cannot have it together. I have three degrees and ran circles around folks in my undergrad (I did not attend an HBCU) so I am not impressed with those comparisons. I think it is great that you did a wonderful job, now that is worth a toast to you! here…here everyone raise your bloody marys

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
4:29 pm

YES & George P – Reading your posts brought back some bittersweet memories when I was dealing with a similiar situation, at a similiar age range – early 20’s. Happened 2 times in a row.

I had been dating my Air Force Academy boyfriend for a yr & a half when he was sent to Italy. It was long-distance the entire time. He was not ready to marry and wanted to sow his oats. After that, met a great Morehouse man and he got accepted to Cornell to work on his MBA. I went up to visit a few times, but again, we were not at a point to really settle down. Plus he & others were trying to make me feel bad – he’s from a less-fortunate family & the first to go to graduate college, much less get an advanced degree, young, good-looking smart man with the whole world ahead of him. Who was this woman trying to hem up and hold back this outstanding man? Even though I had my own dreams I was pursuing too – might not have been Cornell, but I had finished UGA and was headed to Ga State for my MBA too. Working at Delta full-time to pay for school and going to grad school at night. We both had a lot going on, but I was so in love I would have given it up in a minute to be with him, move closer to him.

Folks gave me some of the same advice that’s being given out today on the blog. But it didn’t make it hurt any less.

czBrat

July 6th, 2010
4:31 pm

awwwww. ain’t that the sweetness! :oops:

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
4:31 pm

Sorry, Step-mom, just trying to set the mood… Hey… I just realized… Now that you’re my step mom… does that make you a MILF? :lol: Or maybe a SMILF? :lol:

abc

July 6th, 2010
4:32 pm

So, gird your loins, as they say, George. From what you relate, it doesn’t sound like what you would wish it sounded like, I guess. But good luck, anyway.

SlimKoo-koo for Coco Pops

July 6th, 2010
4:32 pm

Do I smell the scent of a budding romance in the air? Hmmmm? :lol:

i’m swiss – you are a bad bad boy…lol

Leggs – don’t spank him just yet…he’s just trying to set a mood

(i’m swiss now running around dimming all the blog lights, burning incense and candles) lol

YESSHEISCUTE

July 6th, 2010
4:34 pm

Kimmie,

I’m so sorry to hear that! And its true the advice doesn’t make it hurt any less. I am sorry that you had to go through that. I haven’t been in love since 2004. And honestly I am not in a rush to be in it either….the pain is a distant memory and I’d like to keep it that way.

BTW don’t mean to be rude I’ve read an article or two before and allow me to introduce myself my name is YES! :) 26 live in ATL and just cruising through. All of you guys are great and funny to read.

Professor

July 6th, 2010
4:35 pm

Kimmie~ I feel the same way it seems like when you are young and in love it hurts a little bit more–IMO. Everything is so new and exciting and you love like you have never been hurt, and when the hurt comes you are so new to it you don’t know what to do.

I wish George P the best, and regardless of the outcome I hope he continues to love and be an outstanding young man. He reads well and I like that a lot.

czBrat

July 6th, 2010
4:36 pm

Professor, coincidentally i just had a convo with a co-worker about how i CRINGE whenenver someone tells me i’m so articulate. i f&#^ing hate that complimentary insult! i asked her “what did you expect to fall out when i opened my mouth?”

raising my chocolate milkshake

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
4:36 pm

Slim — Don’t forget the romantic (and utilitarian) dinner I’ve prepared for the lovebirds: Raw oyster & Rhino Dyck Stew :lol:

Professor

July 6th, 2010
4:36 pm

Welcome to the blog YES!

I hope you park and not just cruise through on us :grin:

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
4:37 pm

Professor – in most cases I don’t like folks being to aware of black versus white but in this business of booking and selling, most times you only see a black here and there. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty doing the leg work and manual processes but not many that’s the face and voice and I think she was honing in on that more than anything. Thanks for the compliment though. I was more shocked than anything and made mention cause 1) I was truly proud of maself cause she was impressed before today with how I handled a couple of issues and 2) she bypassed and was sooo unimpressed with all the slides and pictures and big words and scenarios of where we’ve (company) been great in making our mark. She was more so like, in reality, how will all this happen? Besides the suites and expensive spread on the table. She was by no means a slouch but she was laid back and cool all the way, with it. I’m rarely impressed by people cause I figure we all the same and at some point we all die, but his chick got me. Not by titles nor credentials but her over all persona. Even the ballplaya (dummy) asked the controller was his promotion title alone or did it come with money and she interjected with a cute story of “honorable” on her title. she said when they gave it to her she asked if it would matter at the bank when getting a loan and was told no. her response was if it ain’t paying me i ain’t impress nor need it….she told the ballplayer all her titles come with money and that she does nothing (as in promoting her team) just to impress. of course i thought that was a dumb question but then again, i’m sort of hard on him.

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:38 pm

@i’m swiss ~ You’ve set the mood perfectly. What does that acronym stand for?

Professor

July 6th, 2010
4:39 pm

@Brat I feel you. It is an backhand insult. I cannot stand that crazy mess. You know what? I really hate when we do it to each other.

That chocolate shake sounds good!

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
4:39 pm

Trust me I’m the last person that gets off on anything of the sort but I like her…she’s a cool chick

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
4:40 pm

YES – Great to meet you and welcome to the blog!

My pain I shared before is a VERY distant memory! God had a different plan for me & all parties involved. All that was actually over 15 years ago and I am in a very happy relationship now. Time does heal, but it’s hard to hear that when you’re going thru it.

Me & my SO have had to deal with some tough things, like major deaths in our families – he lost his wife and I lost both my parents and my youngest brother. We both live lives now with no regrets. Things I wish I had done back then I am getting a chance to do now. Life is precious and short. Be happy!

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
4:40 pm

I’m honored still…I cannot nor will deny when I’ve charmed someone. Typcially that’s what I do and that’s my aim…impressing and winning the clients WITH all the hulabaloo an d

SlimKoo-koo for Coco Pops

July 6th, 2010
4:41 pm

“Raw oyster & Rhino Dyck Stew”

i’m swiss – you made me snot on myself….LMAO!!!! I read ‘Raw oyster’ and was okay with that…then I got to the Rhino Dyck Stew :shock: Where dey do dat at?

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:43 pm

Welcome to Blogsville YES! Hope you got a lot of backbone!!!!

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:43 pm

Rather, a strong backbone!!!

blue

July 6th, 2010
4:44 pm

@czBrat – i so feel that comment. used to hate it when folks would say i was trying to sound white. just because i speak proper english? how is that trying to sound white, just not trying to sound stupid! had you already made up your mind that i couldnt say anything intelligent?

Professor

July 6th, 2010
4:44 pm

Slim I actually eat raw oyster, but that other was some GHANA Melo cooking :grin:

I can’t go for that…in my Hall and Oats voice

queen

July 6th, 2010
4:45 pm

The sad reality is people play games. Be direct about what you want and what you expect to receive. Ask questions don’t play guessing games and don’t assume anything. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A RING ON YOUR FINGER….MEANING U ARE NOT MARRIED…YOU ARE SINGLE. BOTTOM LINE.

Melo

July 6th, 2010
4:46 pm

Rhino Dyck Stew??

:oops:

@Swiss..u intruducing terminology that makes Leggs blush and gives Jacobite47 some ideas!

Hes is like :idea: when u start talking like that!

:lol:

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:47 pm

@i’m swiss ~ You messed up with that visual….Go get in the shower nekkid so I can give you a wet spanking (they hurt more)!

Professor

July 6th, 2010
4:48 pm

Leggs, did you wear red, and show your leggs to poppa swiss jacobite47?

abc

July 6th, 2010
4:48 pm

If someone can guess your race just by hearing your voice, maybe some speech therapy is in order.

YESSHEISCUTE

July 6th, 2010
4:53 pm

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:53 pm

@Prof ~ No, I didn’t. We met up straight after work. I had on white linen capri pants, a nice colorful top and black sandals.

@abc ~ I wouldn’t necessarily say speech therapy is in order. Southerners have a very strong twang that can’t be ironed out. Even with me being a NYer, I grew up with many people thinking I was white when on the phone due to my diction and my name.

Melo

July 6th, 2010
4:54 pm

@Leggs..dont give any more updates unless Jacoby is ok with that!

just handle ur damn bizz!

Professor

July 6th, 2010
4:55 pm

abc~ you really sound like an idiot on that 4:48. What does speech therapy have to do with race Dummy???? :roll:

Have a great evening!

Beautiful

July 6th, 2010
4:55 pm

y’all wanna read something funny? i got a phone call from a blogger accusing me of thangs that they heard from some one on here! LOL. you a messy heffa!!! you know who you are. you are way too grown to be gossip’n like that. shame.

blue

July 6th, 2010
4:56 pm

@Leggs – a fellow NYer, woohoo. what part you from? from Queens myself.

Professor

July 6th, 2010
4:56 pm

Leggs~thanks and gotcha. I agree with melo on that 4:54!

abc

July 6th, 2010
4:57 pm

I said if someone can guess your race, only by the sound of your voice, then obviously something is up with your enunciation, diction, etc. Speech therapy can fix that. If you’d rather be identifiable in that way, don’t complain about people that will stereotype and pigeonhole you on account of it. You bring it upon yourself.

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:57 pm

It’s easy to give up, but no matter what the outcome is, if you do your best, you are always the winner.

Good night!

@Step-Son ~ I want you home before the street lights come on!!

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:57 pm

@Melo ~ if you’ve noticed, I didn’t give an update on the meet and greet. I told her what I had on!

abc

July 6th, 2010
4:59 pm

In other words, if you sound ignorant, you’ll be regarded that way. It isn’t just ebonics that brings it on; Hispanic accents are the same. Indian accents are the same. Shoot, I’m weary of trying to understand English accents. They speak so fast it starts to sound like chit chit chit chit. Speech therapy, please.

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
4:59 pm

blue

July 6th, 2010
5:00 pm

hubbys from the Bronx. We fight all the time over which side of the bridge is better, lol. guess we’re all migrating down here.

Professor

July 6th, 2010
5:01 pm

You big DUMMy abc, that is a lie. People will place you in a box due to your accent, voice, tone etc. It has nothing to do with diction some groups have deeper voices, while other groups have lighter voices etc.

@Beautiful that is a HOT MESS! Now make it hotter by calling them out monikers and all. Tell the truth and shame the :evil: devil.

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
5:01 pm

boy I tell ya…SMH

blue

July 6th, 2010
5:02 pm

which side is better, we throw the bridge in to be silly. how do you get from the Bronx to Queens anyway lol. i just stick to Manhatten when i go home, lol, and that way there is a bridge!

abc

July 6th, 2010
5:04 pm

But those attributes don’t lend themselves to guessing ethnicity based on voice alone. Southern accents in and of themselves are regarded poorly by those outside the South; if you’re in Seattle and say “yall”, even with no drawl at all, you’ll be considered a hayseed.

If you don’t want to be regarded in those terms, then don’t subscribe to that behavior. It’s simple. Calling me names about it simply indicates that you have no real basis for rebuttal.

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
5:05 pm

Step-Mom — MILF stands for:

Mom
I‘d
Like to
F____

:lol:

In other words: a Hot Mama:lol:

Oh, and you don’t have to eat the Raw Oyster & Rhino Dyck Stew… Just give some to Poppa Swiss & you’ll have a much better evening… ;-) :lol:

Professor

July 6th, 2010
5:08 pm

If you read my statement you would have seen the rebuttal. Shall we teach reading 101 tomorrow? Get a life! I can guess plenty of races by the sound of voices white, blacks, asians etc. Not to mention I can tell gays as well. So if your theory was true 95.9% of all the people I speak with need speech therapy. :roll: