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Dating: Has the definition of single changed?

I suppose I should not be shocked whenever it turns out someone is not as “single” as they claimed to be.  I recently exchanged numbers with a guy (younger) who pretended to be unattached.

It wasn’t until I got a call from his significant (and livid) other that I learned he was involved with someone.  They actually lived together. What made him think he could date me in his situation? I had to laugh at how pathetic that entire incident was. I’m too old for this!

It is so annoying to discover you wasted your time on someone who decided to “hedge their bets” on the dating game.  I can understand dating around and keeping your options open as long as you are upfront and honest about it.  It is rare to find someone who tells you the absolute truth about his or her relationship status.   Even on Facebook that ridiculous “it’s complicated” feature perpetuates the problem.

When I meet someone that sparks an interest, I ask them the question are you married or seeing someone special.  This is a pretty clear question right?  Why is it hard to admit you are in a relationship or working on one?

Do I need to frame the question differently? Should I specify by asking about live-ins, separated from wife, etc.?

When you meet people, how do you determine if they are actually single and available?  Would you still be interested in someone if they were involved with another person?

435 comments Add your comment

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
11:08 am

If you want to be out and about, check your living arrangements first.

It’s me – Amen!

Dig That

July 6th, 2010
11:09 am

The reason I say that is because if you all are giving each other space and trying to talk things over why is she seeing other guys?

@professor- You know why.

@SexyC- LMAO!!!! You are definitely right about that. I have to agree. Maybe Wisey was gon be the jump off.

Kym--News Junkie >>Level 5

July 6th, 2010
11:12 am

Are we still on topic? Swiss and Purple Rain..don’t say anything about the Boondocks..I missed the episode Sunday.

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
11:12 am

Kimmie, I’m so done with that foolishness. You’re right though…nowhere with me on that sort of stuff. What’s so silly is him talking and making jestures with one hand and the other is in your pocket sort of draws attention he was obviously trying to avoid.

LK

July 6th, 2010
11:13 am

If you believe what you read on TAGG, FACEBOOK, MYSPACE or any other dating site you are a fool. If you can’t reach him after 5 PM, on weekends, on holidays, before 8 AM and are never invited out by him, visit his living space or can be seen in the same part of town that he says he lives in you need to move on. Men are players, even married men. Women of all races need to stick together and stop this playing frame of mind. Remember in Georgia it is against the law to have an affair. Check it out!

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
11:14 am

@George P ~ BE STILL! Since you want this to work and you still love her, give her the space she needs to find out what she wants. If it’s meant to be, she’ll boomerang back to you. If not, you bowed out gracefully. Don’t get with someone to fill up your time. You’re not ready. I don’t expect you to give her space forever, so you need to ask her how much time she needs. Her answer will tell you if she really plans on coming back.

@SexyC ~ helping out Hosea Feed The Homeless was exhausting to say the least. Advice to all, never do it on an empty stomach. I almost fainted I was so hot, and taking those 750 boxes off the truck and checking them tired me. Lil leggs had the easy part of labeling the boxes and carrying them to the pallets (there were only 5 items in each box). Overall, it was a great experience (esp. after I got food and my energy back).

@it’s me…lurker ~ I just told a co-worker that same thing less than 10 mins ago. She’s acting like she’s living alone with the shennigans she pulled this weekend leaving her new boyfriend home alone the past 2 days. He’s livid and thinking of moving out!

Professor

July 6th, 2010
11:14 am

@Sasssssssssssssssssssssssy I met her at chuuch! We are not friends, but we talk on the phone here and there and we used to walk/jog together. I met her about seven years ago. She is not my cup of tea to just hang with, but we will talk from time to time. I am not the type to tell her business (it doesn’t get back to the chuuch) so I think that is why she confides in me.

@Dig That wassup did you have a good weekend?

Of course, we are going green with the topics I remember this one as well. I hope some to the fellas send in some topics…it would be interesting

SB

July 6th, 2010
11:14 am

@ George: I am going through the same situation except I do not believe in breaks. You are either in or out. It hurts and it sucks but the only thing that has to happen is to cut the contact. Completely! Me and my ex tried the opposite – to occasionally talk, text, grab a cup of coffee, trying to remain friends. It doesn’t work. I agree w SexyCool – well said! My friend told me the same thing – he will never know what he has missed, if you are still in his life. Very true.
Cut the contact – no phone calls, no texts for at least 60 days. Let her figure it out what she is missing. Take that time and enjoy your time – go workout, go out, hook up with friends, pick up a new hobby. Sitting at home and waiting for her to come back is time wasted and you will never get it back. This is my motto for the 60 days when I have to do the same.
Good luck to both of us :)

AmazonRed™

July 6th, 2010
11:16 am

If she’s calling for “a break” & opening up to new guys, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it’s over, bro. Cut your losses & move on. Sorry to be so harsh, but it will save you some heartache in the long run…

George P – I agree with swiss. Your girl knows you’re a good one, but for whatever reason isn’t sure about you. So now she gets to play the field in hopes of finding someone better. If she does…then she was honest with you and won’t feel guilty. If she finds no one, she can claim she just needed a “break” and now she’s sure.

She’s keeping you just close enough…but you’re still a plan B.

The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can get over HER and find someone who’s just as geeked about being with you as you are with her.

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
11:17 am

SB – Sounds good, like your head is in the right place. I wish you and George well.

SlimCuckoo for Coco Pops

July 6th, 2010
11:17 am

‘If you can’t reach him after 5 PM, on weekends, on holidays, before 8 AM and are never invited out by him, visit his living space or can be seen in the same part of town that he says he lives in you need to move on’

LK – that is not entirely true…the guy that I dated who’s fiance ended up calling me took my calls anytime…i visited his house on numerous ocassions…the kicker was that his fiance lived back in New Orleans.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
11:18 am

Ared, did you just say “geeked”

:lol:

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
11:18 am

LK…I’m agreeing with you 11:13 however, those are the obvious signs. Someone said earlier a dude had a wife for a flight attendant stationed in NYC. Cheaters and liars are getting more and more brazen and taking things further. That’s the stuff to watch for.

queen

July 6th, 2010
11:19 am

Single means not married. It is important when you meet people you ask specific questions. People try to get a good return on their investment when it comes to dating. This means they will expand prospect options to ensure they have a better chance of getting what they are seeking. Is this fair? Depends on who you ask. But most often when you go on a date with someone they are also dating other people as well. Ask them and see. The problem is most people fail to ask questions such as are you seeing other people? Do you live with someone of the opposite sex, what type of relationship do you have? etc. Not reporting to some is not necessarily lying, b/c if you ask them they will tell you what they are up too. So the bottom line is communication is very important.

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
11:19 am

@it’s me…lurker ~ I just told a co-worker that same thing less than 10 mins ago. She’s acting like she’s living alone with the shennigans she pulled this weekend leaving her new boyfriend home alone the past 2 days. He’s livid and thinking of moving out!

Yes ma’am Leggs…he probably knows though. Most folks have inklings or ideas or gut feelings.

AmazonRed™

July 6th, 2010
11:19 am

PrincessNik – I sure did! :lol:

blue

July 6th, 2010
11:20 am

@what time is it – interesting point “I didn’t know we had friends that we didn’t know about”. why does being in a relationship mean to so many people that we need to know all of each others friends. friend of my hubby who has become a freind of the fam now has a new gf, shes calling my number with the whole “who are you attitude?” never mind that she met me, and the whole fam, the night b4. your man has friends, your woman has friends, doesnt always necessarily mean their cheating.

Kym--News Junkie >>Level 5

July 6th, 2010
11:21 am

George P..sorry about the girl troubles..but I agree you are the backup plan..now if you are so inlove and don’t mind being the “plan B” then you can just wait it out and hope for the best. From your paragraph I think you know you are just hanging on and seem to be comfortable in that spot..but err like Mayor McCheese said..it can lead to heartbreak.

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
11:22 am

Okay, so all those folks who are advising George P to “give it time…” Riddle me this: What what your advise be to a chick if the situation were reversed? — i.e. it’s the dude that wants a “break” and is “open” to other chicks? C’mon now… Let’s be real about the situation. It’s time to close that book & move on…

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
11:23 am

@ blue

your man has friends, your woman has friends, doesnt always necessarily mean their cheating

while this may be true, I’m always leary when “new” friends start popping up or friends that my s/o can’t bring around. This raises flags for me.

LK

July 6th, 2010
11:23 am

A cheater is a cheater and when one spouse is gone frequently due to job requirements it is easier to cheat. With the use of internet and cellphones it is that much more tempting and easy. If you know your partner and their habbits you will know when they are telling you a bold face lie, when they are telling you a story and when they are telling you the truth. Trust your instincts! Like I said if women stick together we can put a stop to this crap. We all need to develope morals and standards. There are so many women out their that for one reason or another can not manage to find a single (honestly single and available) man to connect to they will grasp at any man that looks their way, even if it is for just a short time. Women have the power to put a stop to this. We just have to come together.

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
11:24 am

George P I think SB (and others) have given very sound, good advice. Move yourself on physically and mentally and your emotional being will follow over time. However, if you sit it out and wait it out and waste time, you’ll still be sitting in the same emotional rut, this time next year.

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
11:24 am

@its me…lurker ~ I had to laugh at what she said he did next when she came home. Awww never mind….this isn’t the blog for it….You are welcome, ARed (LOLOL)!

Cut the contact – no phone calls, no texts for at least 60 days. Let her figure it out what she is missing. Take that time and enjoy your time – go workout, go out, hook up with friends, pick up a new hobby. Sitting at home and waiting for her to come back is time wasted and you will never get it back.

Worth repeating!

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
11:25 am

LK – A friend of mine dated a guy that worked for the same company a few floors up from her floor/office. They had dated for a few months, he spent the night a few weekends and she spent 2 weekends at his house.

Come to find out his WIFE traveled alot. She wasn’t much of a decorator/housekeeper either, cause the house looked like a bachelor pad. No pictures, nothing. They slept in the “guest” bedroom, which was bigger than the master, so that didn’t tip things off.

She found out by going to take something to his house one weekend when he was out of town. She had a feeling. The wife answered the door.

Trevor0529

July 6th, 2010
11:26 am

Swiss – I would tell the woman the same thing. Go sit down somewhere and don’t be thirsty.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
11:26 am

Leggs, you might as well tell it lol

SlimCuckoo for Coco Pops

July 6th, 2010
11:27 am

Btw, the guy was a truck driver….and speaking of flight attendant…when I was with my ex and this chick popped up at his crib when I was there, hence him being Cold Busted…she was a flight attendant. So it made it easy for him to keep the lie going to both of us…she would mostly be in town during the week when i was at work, and I’d mostly be with him on the weekends when she was apparently flying all across the US.

blue

July 6th, 2010
11:28 am

i def agree with you on that one Princess. “new” friends that you never meet, or old ones that never come around or call when your around, something is fishy there. good rule of thumb at that point, IMO anyway, be blunt and point it out. if at that point its still all cloak and dagger, move on.
but for those who are up front and say hey, i had friends b4 i met you, come meet em, introduce SO, and then she/he still wanna call with the drama, just a bit of stepping into psycho

Professor

July 6th, 2010
11:28 am

Trust your instincts! LK, I like by trusting my instincts and not ignoring red flags

George P

July 6th, 2010
11:29 am

Thanks for the tips and feedback everyone! She says she needs the break to figure out what she wants in life. She’s doing a study abroad and it’s really opened her eyes on how she can be independent without a guy in her life. Plus, my life path is kind of in motion, so if she wants to be with me, it’d require her to compromise and find something near me or else do the distance thing for a while. She says she needs alone time (but doesn’t say how much) and it’s not about a guy, but she wants the option and has tried to encourage me to explore too (so we can be more sure about us yadda yadda). I don’t know, we’ll see I guess. I think complete space would be good.

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
11:29 am

swiss – I don’t think he should jump into another relationship cause clearly he’s not ready, but I do think he should read the handwriting on the wall when it comes to old girl. She’s playing him & he’s hoping against hope.

Dig That

July 6th, 2010
11:30 am

@Professor- Weekend was Tony Tiger GRRRRREEEEAAAATTTT!!!!!! and yours?

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
11:31 am

Blue,

I’m always careful about that one, and I always tell guys up front, that the majority of my friends are guys. So that they know from the beginning.

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
11:32 am

Trevor — Okay, fair enough. Agree to disagree…. ;-) I just don’t see any way that waiting it out works out well for George. Even if ol’ girl comes back to him, she’ll never respect him. She’ll know that she can basically do whatever she wants to him & he’ll stick right there anyway… JMO

LURKS

July 6th, 2010
11:32 am

@Amazon..(My current and I are taking things slow) THATS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THE ONE, SO KEEP IT MOVING, WONDER WHY NO ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO COMIT TO YOU.

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
11:34 am

“swiss – I don’t think he should jump into another relationship cause clearly he’s not ready”

kimmie — Neither do I… I’m just saying it’s time to recognize this current one is over & move on (not to another relationship immediately, just on…)… ;-)

blue

July 6th, 2010
11:34 am

ive always been the same way Princess, i call them my guy panel lol. just get along better that way. but always better IMO to be up front about it to your SO, so that later they arent screaming about whos this whos that. now if i try to intriduce you or invite you out with us/convo with us, and you decline, dont get all crazy at me later. i tried, your just being silly

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
11:35 am

Ooops… sorry for the all bold…

abc

July 6th, 2010
11:36 am

Obviously, George, she thinks she can do better. She sees other men that appeal to her more than you do. She wants to go see what it’s like to be with them.

If you can wait around and see past that, more power to you. Maybe you WILL end up being the one who pines forever for the one you lost. Everyone has that good one that got away, you know. I’ve been there, done that and gave all my tshirts to Randy, even though he already had them. This happens to everyone.

Advice? Be up-front, take the high road, never give her an opportunity to say you’re anything but a wonderful guy. That applies to not just dating, but to everything, of course.

GHANA

July 6th, 2010
11:37 am

She’s doing a study abroad and it’s really opened her eyes on how she can be independent without a guy in her life

@George P!!

a good line but a lie nonetheless!! Abroad has opened her up to dating options ..she cant tell u that in ur face ofcourse..

why wld she be openly encouraging u to date others: tried to encourage me to explore too if shes still feeling u??

She wants to to be as morally compromised as she is right now..i promise u,somebody is kicking her phat azz real good wherever she is right now and shes enjoying that wang better than urs!

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
11:37 am

@blue ~ “all cloak and dagger, move on.” WOW, I used the same words with my co-worker…told her if you have to use all that cloak and dagger to do something, then you need to end the relationship because this isn’t the one you want to be in!

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
11:37 am

George P – Your 11:29 does put a little different spin on things. If she’s abroad, looks like you’re doing a long-distance thing anyway. If you all are very young, early 20’s, I can see this being a real transitional time for the relationship. Looks like you both have a lot going on.

I don’t know. Just chill for a minute.

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
11:40 am

As always, great post and to the point….ABC

Bre NYC2GA

July 6th, 2010
11:42 am

Hey Diva and the old crew, breezing thru quickly.

Morals and honesty are out the window in today’s society. I assume that most men are dealing with someone on some level…only a few are really single-single…even then something is going on. People are barely honest with themselves why expect them to be honest with you.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
11:42 am

now if i try to intriduce you or invite you out with us/convo with us, and you decline, dont get all crazy at me later. i tried, your just being silly

@ Blue EXACTLY!

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
11:44 am

@GHANA ~ when I read that line about studying abroad and being independent w/o a man, I thought the same thing.

blue

July 6th, 2010
11:47 am

great minds think alike Leggs, lol

Professor

July 6th, 2010
11:49 am

@Dig That my weekend was great…I wish I was off today, but let me stop pouting. Are you still training that lady with the lingering track?

@GHANA I am not going to say she is doing the wild thing, but it sounds like she may have a few serious options available.

@Swiss that relationship is over like a pinto with a busted engine and a missing transmission. It is time for him to close that chapter and move on. Move on, by hanging with friends and family and chilling out. However I don’t want him at Compound giving me his number, he can move on by sitting on the bench for a minute. He need to let the :cry: before he enters the dating arena.

Melo

July 6th, 2010
11:49 am

@Leggs..a playa,whether male or female will give out a plausible line/excuse…..

same here with George..girl has him on her finger, spinning him in a cycle of deception.

Oh by the way.. Im Melo…Ghana expired last week! :lol: :lol:

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
11:51 am

Knowing what I know now, if I were young and over in Europe somewhere soaking up all that culture and scenery and hanging out at little cafe’s & bistro’s and boats & stuff, I might want to be unencumbered too. It hurts the other person, but that’s youth for ya. I remember being in George’s position – my bf went to Italy. It hurt, but looking back now I see.