accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Dating: Has the definition of single changed?

I suppose I should not be shocked whenever it turns out someone is not as “single” as they claimed to be.  I recently exchanged numbers with a guy (younger) who pretended to be unattached.

It wasn’t until I got a call from his significant (and livid) other that I learned he was involved with someone.  They actually lived together. What made him think he could date me in his situation? I had to laugh at how pathetic that entire incident was. I’m too old for this!

It is so annoying to discover you wasted your time on someone who decided to “hedge their bets” on the dating game.  I can understand dating around and keeping your options open as long as you are upfront and honest about it.  It is rare to find someone who tells you the absolute truth about his or her relationship status.   Even on Facebook that ridiculous “it’s complicated” feature perpetuates the problem.

When I meet someone that sparks an interest, I ask them the question are you married or seeing someone special.  This is a pretty clear question right?  Why is it hard to admit you are in a relationship or working on one?

Do I need to frame the question differently? Should I specify by asking about live-ins, separated from wife, etc.?

When you meet people, how do you determine if they are actually single and available?  Would you still be interested in someone if they were involved with another person?

435 comments Add your comment

SexyCool - Living on a cloud.

July 6th, 2010
10:18 am

Hey, Leggs! Thanks for your well wishes via text on Sunday morning. It was much appreciated.

I wore a hot pink RunATL t-shirt in the race and of course, received the gray P’tree shirt at the finish line. My official time (walked the entire route) was 1:49:00. It was a really cool event. It is sure to be something that we will do as a tradition going forward. Me, my bestie, TheDude, his bestie, his dad, his sister and his brother all took part. My fave memoir from the day is the picture of all of us together after the finish.

From a physical standpoint, I ended up being less than impressed with myself because I realized that it only compares to the walks around Stone Mountain that I do regularly with one of my girlfriends (when we park in the free lot outside the gate.) – But a cool experience nonetheless.

How did your Feed the Homeless volunteering go?

George P

July 6th, 2010
10:20 am

Well I’m in a tricky situation, and if you all have advice, I’m all ears. My girlfriend of almost 2 years called for a break, something I don’t want, but I might as well not sit back and mope and do nothing right? But I am still crazy about her and hope we can work things out. What should I do? Should I meet nice girls and just not mention it? Or should I be completely honest and forthcoming from the get go? It’s a sticky situation, and right now I don’t bring it up, but answer any and all questions truthfully. I’m not even sure what I’m looking for or how I feel, but I might as well act single even if I don’t truly feel or want to be. What would you do if you were me?

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
10:21 am

that they can get around and scrub the ground with anybody anytime

:lol: :lol:

free2be

July 6th, 2010
10:22 am

@sexycool…congrats on finishing the race!:) was this your first one. this was my second one…i really enjoyed it.

GHANA

July 6th, 2010
10:22 am

Why is it hard to admit you are in a relationship or working on one?

Good morning folks,hope u had some wonderful celebs in ur hoods!

Well, WD..u think that trick Damon had in the car asked the qstion??

If she did,I bet she didnt care about the answer seeing that Damon had the red nikkers in his hands already,well be4 they got to the motel.

Well maybe he just wanted to drive an’ finger and prep be4 he got to the motel to finish off the damn bizziness!

Forgive the menfolk ladies..please forgive them…when there is a trick ready in front of u..u hedge ur bets on what the best answer should be..with the cootie always in ur mind!

:lol:

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
10:23 am

@ Professor,

I’ve been around some people who avoid the labels of a relationship, and i’m always like, you don’t want the other person to be with anyone else you want them to commit to you while you commit to doing whatever you want. It just aint right.

Professor

July 6th, 2010
10:25 am

@Sasssssssssssssssy and M.(dot) this lady that used to attend my church really shocked me :shock: Long story short she was telling me about the problems she was having with her man. She has always been protective of the relationship and it seems like he just appeared out of the blue living with her. Well since she started telling me about the problems I asked her, “how did they meet?” Can you believe it was her close friend’s man??? :shock: She told me the lady did not clean up, so she would go over there and clean up, wash clothes, burn candles and stuff because the nasty house bothered her. She started playing cards with dude and drinking wine with him and he moved into her place. Her line to me was I was not trying to do all of that he came with me. :shock: :roll: :???:

SexyCool - Living on a cloud.

July 6th, 2010
10:25 am

George – just be still for a bit and do nothing.

Mostly because you are obviously not in a place emotionally to be dealing with a new person. It would be unfair for a new person to be pulled into the place that you are in right now.

Trevor0529

July 6th, 2010
10:25 am

@George P, from all the questions you are asking, I would sit still and and not date anyone for now. The break from your girlfriend is just too new. Do you first and not another person. Just my thoughts.
:)

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
10:28 am

the lady did not clean up, so she would go over there and clean up, wash clothes, burn candles and stuff because the nasty house bothered her.

WTH!!!!!, if it wasn’t bothering the people who had to live in it, then she shoulda just met that friend out in public and not went over there.

I was not trying to do all of that he came with me

UHHHH, she had to let him come otherwise he woulda stayed wit Nasty!

SlimOne...cravin' Mr. Goodbar

July 6th, 2010
10:29 am

Friend with benefits, Slim… friend with benefits/

@ swiss – well if i’m telling you I’m already talking to someone or whatever, shouldn’t you assume i’m already getting some benefits? lol So now you(general term) want to get the leftovers of someone elses puddy, which depending on how well they are at the upkeep of the catty, may not be any leftovers? lmao

USMC DAWG

July 6th, 2010
10:29 am

Wise Diva,
You need to get off the McDonald’s diet and go see the world.
These scenarios have been happening since Caveman days.
Life does not work that perfectly, neat and clean as you are advocating.
Answer this question: Do you think a man or woman worth having does not atrract attention from others?
The Fact is that you would think somthing was wrong with the guy if he was Totally single.
You are more attracted to men when they walk into a room with a woman hanging on their arm. That’s a fact.
So quit waiting for everything to be so perfect and get out there and mix it up.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
10:30 am

which depending on how well they are at the upkeep of the catty, may not be any leftovers?

Thats what’s up slim! :lol: :lol:

AmazonRed™

July 6th, 2010
10:30 am

Morning all –

Folks have so many options they can’t pick one anymore. Yes, it sucks when you’re involved and someone else catches your eye. Don’t mess with your karma though trying to be a playa tho.

I met a guy recently who let me know he was serious about getting to know me. My current and I are taking things slow, so it was nice to talk to a guy who claimed he wanted to move a little more quickly. But you know what, I know a good thing when I see it, and am not willing to risk losing it. Besides, a guy in the hunt will pretty much tell you anything.

SexyCool - Living on a cloud.

July 6th, 2010
10:30 am

f2b – It was my first time participating in the P’tree and my first 10k. Oh…and ended up getting a Wave J start number, but started Wave X with my bestie anyways.

Same thing with TheDude. He was Wave J, but started Wave P with his best friend.

George P

July 6th, 2010
10:31 am

SexyCool and Trevor, thanks for the advice (both saying the same, I should probably listen). But I mean, it’s been 3 weeks and she’s opening up to other guys, how long do I have to wait before I’m just being a pathetic and hopeless romantic waiting for something that may never come back? I know how to behave myself and not jump to fast, so when is the right time to get back out there and see what there is?

Lucinda

July 6th, 2010
10:31 am

Loser: So, can I get your number?
Lucinda: No, I’m seeing somebody.
Loser: Is it serious?
Lucinda: Yeah, it is.
Loser: So, can I get your number?
Lucinda: No! I don’t play like that.
Loser: Well, I can be your back door man.

Aaaarrrghhhhh!

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
10:33 am

Loser: Well, I can be your back door man.

also known as Jody :lol:

Trevor0529

July 6th, 2010
10:34 am

@George – only you will know when the right time is. Just be patient and work on you for now. You will know.

GHANA

July 6th, 2010
10:34 am

Besides, a guy in the……. hunt…….. will pretty much tell you anything!

I like that Ared..thats whats up!

Professor

July 6th, 2010
10:35 am

@Pk exactly, but she was trying to kick it to me like it was normal to play Molly Maid at other folks’ houses. :???:

I just feel the standards are so low sometimes that those of us with values get left in the cold

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
10:35 am

George P — If she’s calling for “a break” & opening up to new guys, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it’s over, bro. Cut your losses & move on. Sorry to be so harsh, but it will save you some heartache in the long run…

free2be

July 6th, 2010
10:36 am

@sexycool…that’s good.:) ppl move around from group to group all the time. those volunteers can’t keep up w/50,000 folks! LOL there were even ppl there who didn’t have numbers. only downside to that is u get no t-shirt and no official time. i will prob do another 10K next month (the Labor Day Classic). if you thought Cardiac Hill was something…those Cobb Parkway hills are no joke!

Sassy Me...Sun Kissed :-)

July 6th, 2010
10:37 am

What about the folks that avoid the “labels” on a relationship so that they can get around and scrub the ground

They’re being greedy and still holding out “hope” that they may find something/one better.

She started playing cards with dude and drinking wine with him and he moved into her place. Her line to me was I was not trying to do all of that he came with me.

:shock:

And this was someone from church?…what I don’t understand Professooooooooor is the emotional state some women are in such that they will do anything to get a man…or at least a semblance of a man b/c whoever that dude is doesn’t really sound like a real man.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
10:37 am

I just feel the standards are so low sometimes that those of us with values get left in the cold

AMEN PROFESSOR

SexyCool - Living on a cloud.

July 6th, 2010
10:38 am

George – it sounds more like a break-up than a break. If she is seeing other people, accept the situation as it is and not as you want it to be. Let her know that you are not going to allow yourself to be put on a layaway plan and that you are going to stop participating in her mess. It sounds like she has moved away from you and you should begin to get used to the idea of moving on without her.

Better her to flake out on you now rather than later.

If you really want to see where she is in her head with the whole situation, cut off all contact with her. Do not be available to her at all. Do not call. Do not text. Do not email. Nothing. When she calls, don’t answer. When she texts, don’t respond. If she really doesn’t know if she wants you in her life, then you have to allow her to experience life without you in it. Otherwise, she is just enjoying the best of both worlds.

Regardless of what decisions you make, I wish you all the best and hope that all things work out to your good.

George P

July 6th, 2010
10:39 am

@Trevor – Thanks again for the sage-like advice haha
@Swiss – What does a break mean to you? I’ve got friends who’ve survived breaks before. Actually, 2 of them have come back stronger and now have tied the knot. Not saying that’s me, but I honestly don’t know what will happen

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
10:39 am

And this was someone from church?…

everyone attending church isn’t “saved”, some are worse than the devil, some are works in progress, and some just go cause they have been told they should.

blue

July 6th, 2010
10:40 am

@PrincessNik – I will say i think women need a reason to cheat in MOST cases and men cheat because they can in MOST cases.
I would agree with that statement, i think for most women its something emotional underlying it, for most men it seems simply whats been said “having your cake and eating it too” But then, MOST. there are some women who are simply about the ego of being able to pull someone in addition to whoevers at home, and men sometimes get caught in emotion.

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
10:40 am

Good morning! Hope everyone had a great & safe holiday weekend!

Slim – I had a situation similiar to your 9:50, but the guy’s WIFE called me. Come to find out she was a flight attendant based in NYC, so he hedged his bets when he gave me his home number that she would not be at home. I cussed him out on his cell and never spoke to him again.

Yeah, it’s a lot of folks out there trying to have their cake & eat it too. I’ve met quite a few guys in the past that were in “complicated” situations. They were living with their girlfriends, but claimed it was just a roommate situation or they wanted to be close to their kid. Yeah, but what would girlfriend have to say about that? Bottom line, I don’t care what your relationship is, if a guy is living with another female that is not a blood relative, he’s not “free”! Next!

George P – Your situation is not tricky but you are going to make it tricky by involving a innocent lady looking for a nice guy. I don’t know WHY dudes have to be so messy – getting involved with someone new before they end clearly end things with someone else!

mark – Quit blaming Atlanta women for your own shortcomings. Take ownership.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
10:41 am

If she really doesn’t know if she wants you in her life, then you have to allow her to experience life without you in it

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Great advice!

blue

July 6th, 2010
10:43 am

“She made a comment that she is single, because she does not want to be a cheater” i must respect her for that. at least be honest about who you are and what you want. if you arent ready to be exclusive, let the person who is ready go so they can find someone who matches them. let you both do what makes you happy, not simply able to say you stayed together for x amount of months, years but are both miserable

George P

July 6th, 2010
10:44 am

@Sexy – Just to be clear, she’s not with anyone new yet, but she’s not ruling it out yet. To be honest, I don’t know what stage she’s at with anyone, but I don’t think she’s moved too fast.

I do like your advice of cutting off contact completely to really see where she stands. It’s just hard to do, but I guess that’s the best thing to do. Thanks again everyone!

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
10:45 am

George P — Well, maybe it’s just me, but the fact that she’s already out there fishing for new dudes is a big red flag to me. I know it sounds harsh, but I’ve been in your position myself & like you I didn’t want to believe that it was really over. But it was. I just wish I had come to the realization sooner — I could have saved myself a lot of angst (as Melo would say).

Trevor0529

July 6th, 2010
10:48 am

@George – you are welcome. I will send you a bill later this week for the advice.
:)

abc

July 6th, 2010
10:50 am

It’s not ambiguous or an unclear, sort-of kind of issue. You’re either in a committed relationship, i.e. and ergo unavailable, or you’re not. A person as described in the topic is just a cheater, plain and simple.

SexyCool - Living on a cloud.

July 6th, 2010
10:52 am

George – You can even tell her upfront that you need some time to just be so that you can decide if this is what you really want. Because you are kind of making it sound like she is the one who ultimately decides what happens in the relationship. When really, you have just as much say so as she does.

How you end up feeling in this situation – pathetic, love-sick or empowered – is totally up to you and will be determined by the attitude and actions that you take at this point.

GHANA

July 6th, 2010
10:53 am

My girlfriend of almost 2 years called for a break, something I don’t want

By George move on buddy…!!

How old are u anyway..I hope 20/21 for u to be asking these kinds of qstions about a girl thats laying u down easy. U soiund kinda juvenile at best.

Crying over a girl??

If a girl were feeling u and u were hitting her in all the right corners and nodes,why wld she need to have a break??

Cmeone man..dust urself up and learn from this experience and move on.

Only a girl asks the kinds of qstions u asking..Im sorry!!

I will leave u with this girlie :roll: :roll: at ur qstions!! :lol: :lol:

Sassy Me...Sun Kissed :-)

July 6th, 2010
10:54 am

I just feel the standards are so low sometimes that those of us with values get left in the cold.

Tell di trut n shame di devil la Professoraaaaaa.

everyone attending church isn’t “saved”, some are worse than the devil.

Princess I’ve had my share of those,too. Some of the main ones in the front pews are the freakiest…the boy toy I just let go is a preacher’s son…but I digress.

kimmy

July 6th, 2010
10:56 am

Hi,
I ask if they are single, married, or just dating. I then ask if there is anyone who thinks that they are their boyfriend. If there is any hesitation then he’s attached to some degree and not available to date me. Unless you are filling out a tax return there are tons of grey areas when it comes to relationships so be specific people tend to wiggle around the grey areas to get you to continue on with the relationship. Being truthful would be great, but there are just as many liars as honest people out there.

What time is it?

July 6th, 2010
10:56 am

Have their cake & eat it too. Women withhold information as well. I met this woman at a club and we exchanged numbers. We talked on the phone a few times and then her boyfriend calls me. The conversation went like this. “Who are you and how do you know Kim (not her name).” I said that we are friends. He said, “I didn’t know we had friends that we didn’t know about. I got to start getting me some friends.” I didn’t know she was in a committed relationship. I guess she liked me but didn’t want to miss an opportunity by telling the truth. I did not take her calls anymore. Let people know the situation upfront so they can make an informed decision.

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
10:56 am

:lol: @ Melo… See now, I was trying to be more diplomatic, but you pretty much summed it up there… :lol:

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
10:56 am

..they may be seeing somebody.

M dot – There is a difference between a person that is seeing someone special/dating one exclusively versus someone that is just dating around. You are right, if a young woman is attractive, outgoing and alive in this city, 9 times out of 10 she may have a date or 2, she’s not at home sitting by the phone. How long do you think it should take dating YOU before she drops all of her other options and yall become exclusive?

kimmy

July 6th, 2010
11:00 am

@ Mark..There are tons of good women. I am one of them who is in your situation. Keep looking and don’t settle. You made need to change your locations. Try new places and events. We’re out there. Good luck!

Dig That

July 6th, 2010
11:02 am

Good morning erybody

Of course, this is almost a recycled subject again, however I remember it vividly because ppl seem to have different views than the first go round. I was very curious about the “single” subject and dating. I mean Wise dates around the globe and this guy wasn’t married, just like she isn’t. This chick could have been crazy(and it sounds like it)which is why he decided to jump back in the dating pool. The broad consensus last time was dating gives you the opportunity to mingle and choose. Does that not apply now or does the 20 questions apply? Does 5 dates or 10 dates make a couple?

Professor

July 6th, 2010
11:03 am

@George P~ I am a bit confused it sounds like it is over between you and your ex-girl. The reason I say that is because if you all are giving each other space and trying to talk things over why is she seeing other guys?

I think you should get yourself together and just hang out with your friends, but let the dating simmer. What made her ask for more space after two years?

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
11:03 am

I guess the situation last week of getting breakfast in our cafe and this dude starting a conversation about me, leaning in my space and with whom I do things with would fall in under today’s post. Funny thing too that I noticed while talking is that that his left hand NEVER left his pocket. As he left to pay for his food and me heading to the coffee counter, I caught a quick glimsp of his wedding band when he reached to pay the cashier. I tell ya….folks just ain’t right and ain’t up to no good.

SexyCool - Living on a cloud.

July 6th, 2010
11:04 am

DigThat – if he decided that he wanted to jump back into the dating pool, then he should have also jumped back into the living by his-damn-self pool. LOL!

And regardless of whether chick was the actual live-in, lying, crazy and/or just a drama loving jump off, buddy has more going on than any sane chick should want to deal with.

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
11:06 am

In Sasha’s case…neither of them are available until they’re living like it. I think it would be a shot in the foot to date someone living with their ex. If you want to be out and about, check your living arrangements first.

kimmie

July 6th, 2010
11:07 am

left hand NEVER left his pocket.

it’s me – Dudes trip me out with that!!!

The thing is, he would not get anywhere with you, but a lot of married guys have told me that ring becomes like a magnet! So while he wouldn’t get a woman of real quality, there are plenty with loose morals that won’t mind that he’s married! Lying is unnecessary!LOL!!