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Dating: Has the definition of single changed?

I suppose I should not be shocked whenever it turns out someone is not as “single” as they claimed to be.  I recently exchanged numbers with a guy (younger) who pretended to be unattached.

It wasn’t until I got a call from his significant (and livid) other that I learned he was involved with someone.  They actually lived together. What made him think he could date me in his situation? I had to laugh at how pathetic that entire incident was. I’m too old for this!

It is so annoying to discover you wasted your time on someone who decided to “hedge their bets” on the dating game.  I can understand dating around and keeping your options open as long as you are upfront and honest about it.  It is rare to find someone who tells you the absolute truth about his or her relationship status.   Even on Facebook that ridiculous “it’s complicated” feature perpetuates the problem.

When I meet someone that sparks an interest, I ask them the question are you married or seeing someone special.  This is a pretty clear question right?  Why is it hard to admit you are in a relationship or working on one?

Do I need to frame the question differently? Should I specify by asking about live-ins, separated from wife, etc.?

When you meet people, how do you determine if they are actually single and available?  Would you still be interested in someone if they were involved with another person?

435 comments Add your comment

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
8:11 am

Would you still be interested in someone if they were involved with another person?

Uhhh No, if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. And living with someone is well beyond “Involved”.

Cee714

July 6th, 2010
8:22 am

I always tried to make the question as “lie-proof” as possible. Something like, “Is there anyone who would be upset/mad/hurt if they knew you were asking for my number/going out with me/trying to holla’? :-)

sexyCOOL

July 6th, 2010
8:29 am

Doesn’t matter what question you ask. If they are going to lie, they are going to lie.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
8:31 am

SexyC, you are so right!

Kym--News Junkie >>Level 5

July 6th, 2010
8:46 am

Good Morning All,

Wisey, I have to agree with sexyC..you can play 20 questions until you are blue in the face. If there is a lie to be told..dude will tell it. I know your situation was not funny at the time. But I bet when that young lady called you..you had to look at your calendar and go..wait a minute..did I just fall into a time warp..this is not highschool!! I know you said the guy was young but even old dogs are still using this trick.

free2be

July 6th, 2010
8:50 am

good morning everyone!:) the present dating culture reflects a basic disrespect for any sort of commitment. people who are not married are technically calling themselves single regardless of being in a relationship. you even have unhappy married folks calling themselves single…lol. it’s really a shame how the boundaries of being single have been warped.

Trevor0529

July 6th, 2010
9:01 am

Good Morning,

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Its easier for people to lie because the truth hurts.

Professor

July 6th, 2010
9:04 am

Hola!

Hey free2be!

On topic: Dude was lame, and his girl was LAME-ER. Really, calling someone over “her” man. :???:

Anyway, I have been in situations where I did not want everybody to hear my business, or put the person down in front of a crowd by not handing giving out my number. HOWEVER, I feel like the first conversation you should come clean and let the suitor know the following:

A). You are married
B). You are engaged
C). You all live together
D). You have a FWB situation
E). You are trying to get in where you fit in It’s complicated
F). All of the above.

OR, you all can play true/false.

We sleep together, eat together, see each other three times a week and talk four times a day (text endlessly). Is this considered a relationship True or False

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
9:10 am

Professor

LMBO :lol:

free2be

July 6th, 2010
9:11 am

hey professor!:)

mark

July 6th, 2010
9:11 am

im single totaly single and i cant meet a decent lady :( for the past 5 yrs i have worked hard to inprove myself and now that im doing ok and im ready to be in a relationship i cant find anyone:( i hear the ladies say there are no good men left well im starting to feel the same way about the sistas. so sistas are there any good ones left if so where are you?????

Professor

July 6th, 2010
9:13 am

Free2be do you have big plans this week?

@PK you know I am telling the truth :grin:

Off topic: After being off four days it is difficult getting into the groove of things. :sad:

Professor

July 6th, 2010
9:13 am

Free2be do you have big plans this week?

@PK you know I am telling the truth :grin:

Off topic: After being off four days it is difficult getting into the groove of things. :sad:

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
9:17 am

Professor I know, which is what made me laugh. Seems people want to be single whenever its convenient for them to be.

and yes after so many days off it it is extra hard getting into the groove. I did not want to see 5am this morning, especially since i slept on and off til noon yesterday!

Sasha

July 6th, 2010
9:18 am

I think each circumstance must be judged on it’s own merit. I live with my ex because it is more economical for both of us. I lost my job at one point and he was looking for a place to live. No we are no longer involved and we are very much single. Of course we have rules in regards to our shared space, but he has become my friend and friend only. I will admit that it is difficult to explain my living arrangements to a date, but I do it on a need to know basis. I don’t know how much longer we will be this way, but reading your comments you don’t leave room for gray. But to answer the question, you are single until you are married or committed enough to not see other people.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
9:23 am

Sasha,

seems you and your ex have settled into a roomate situation. Which in my opinion is not the same as “living together or shacking” Also, you stated he is friend and friend only so I doubt you would be calling some other chick questioning her about him, correct?

committed enough to not see other people.

I would think that if you and your significant other took the steps to move in together that you felt you were committed enough not to see other people.

Trevor0529

July 6th, 2010
9:25 am

@Sasha,

I am curious. Would you let a date know about your current living arrangements? How long do you hold on to that information?

Professor

July 6th, 2010
9:25 am

@Sasha, would you allow your suitor to pick you up for a date, or stop by to watch a movie?

@PK…girl I know. I have been on my own routine, sleeping, eating and staying up so this back to reality hurts.

Trevor0529

July 6th, 2010
9:28 am

@Professor and @PK…I feel no sympathy for either of you. Shake off that lethargy!! :)

blue

July 6th, 2010
9:28 am

GM all, Professor LMAO. impossible to get into this being back to work thing….
agree thats lame calling some chick randomly about your man. deal with HIM at home, if hes worth dealing with at all.

Professor

July 6th, 2010
9:29 am

@Trevor it is bad over here. I wanted to call in sick today, but I don’t do stuff like that–so maybe tomorrow j/k. :grin:

Sasha

July 6th, 2010
9:31 am

@Nik – you are right I wish him well in his datiing efforts

@Trevor – I would let them ask, I don’t volunteer and tell everything. I think if I found somwone that I really liked, it may even be harder to share, for rear of rejection, some people may not understand. My arrangement was tied to my econimic state, who wants to share that

Sasha

July 6th, 2010
9:33 am

@ Prof – No our agreement is not to entertain at our place, but he could pick me up.

Professor

July 6th, 2010
9:37 am

@Blue- I was wondering the same thing, who calls another chick over a man. That is like super crazy. Back in the day I received a few of those phone calls and I would say something eloquent like this, ”If it is YOUR man why are you calling me? Madame, YOUR is a possessive pronoun, therefore you need to speak with the person YOU need to speak with the person that belongs to YOU, which is NOT me. Now if you call me again over some ish I will file charges. I got to go he is calling me now…toodles :grin:

@Sasha, have you let anyone pick you up from home on a date or stop by since you had these arrangements?

Leggs

July 6th, 2010
9:37 am

Good morning, everyone!

@SexyC ~ what color tee shirt did you get for the P’tree Road Race. I didn’t see any news this weekend. Congratulations!

@Mark ~ there are plenty of good women and men out there looking for each other. I’m still looking and frowning….can you make me smile???

One comment I can not stand is “it’s complicated.” Like hell it is. You’re either in it or you’re not!

Professor

July 6th, 2010
9:38 am

@Sasha, thanks for answering the question.

Professor

July 6th, 2010
9:40 am

@Mark, are you the same guy that will not date a women if she dated a swiss guy? Please pardon me, but I have the Tuesday morning blues. :smile:

How old are you, and what steps have you taken to better yourself if you don’t mind answering.

free2be

July 6th, 2010
9:41 am

@Professor…nothing big going on this weekend. i will go to luckie on friday evening. that’s about all so far.

Trevor0529

July 6th, 2010
9:41 am

@Sasha, your situation is your situation and it is temporary. if you found someone that you liked, tell him and let him decide. if he is not cool with it, then move on to the next one.

free2be

July 6th, 2010
9:43 am

if there are complications or issues that are uncomfortable to explain, that person is NOT dateable period. it is selfish to subject other people to the mess he/she is involved in. when things clear up, then date. after all, it’s about timing. life is challenging enough as we all have stories so why add more drama? regardless of the logic behind it, if one is in a “complicated” state of affairs, i will make things less complicated by leaving them alone….

Professor

July 6th, 2010
9:47 am

@free2be I think I am just going to chill this weekend. Nothing big going on that I can remember at this point. LOL this one, regardless of the logic behind it, if one is in a “complicated” state of affairs, i will make things less complicated by leaving them alone….

I agree…

@Trevor and Sasha I agree, in fact GMA did a special on divorce couples still living together in this economy. We all know houses are not selling and the economy is bad.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
9:48 am

have been on my own routine, sleeping, eating and staying up so this back to reality hurts.

@ Professor, and to make it even better lil mama stayed with my mom Sunday night and didn’t come home til 9 something yesterday! So I had a lazy day for real!

blue

July 6th, 2010
9:49 am

one thing i dont understand on this topic, is why there are so many folks out there who dont care what your status is? your honest and upfront, im married, engaged, dating, complicated, whatever, all boiling down to u are attached, y is this person still trying to talk. seems respect for relationships period is going out the window.

SlimOne...cravin' Mr. Goodbar

July 6th, 2010
9:50 am

Good morning everybody. Hope all yall’s holiday went well. The wedding turned out pretty nice. The bride came riding in on a white horse and carriage making everyone cry. :cry:

I briefly dated a guy that told me he was single…then one day I get a call from his phone, naturally thinking it was him. Low and behold, it was his FIANCE. She wasn’t rude or anything like that but it was news to me. I kept it real with her because it was obvious she had more invested in it than i did. He calls me back like the next day asking why I told her we went out to movies & out to eat…i’m like dude, you lied to both of us. Why should I know have some loyalty to you? Are you kidding me…

You ain’t gotta lie to kick it mayne! :roll:

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
9:51 am

seems respect for relationships period is going out the window.

@ Blue, you make a valid point. I noticed this also. My thought has always been if you don’t respect marriage before you get married what makes you think you can have a succesful one.

SlimOne...cravin' Mr. Goodbar

July 6th, 2010
9:53 am

’seems respect for relationships period is going out the window.’

blue – you’re right. Can’t tell you how many times a guy has approached me and asked if I was seeing anyone. If I was in a relationship, they’d then try to go the “Oh well you can have friend can’t you?” route. So you were trying to holla at me a second ago, now all of a sudden you just want to be my friend? Suuuuurrree you do.

SlimOne...cravin' Mr. Goodbar

July 6th, 2010
9:54 am

PrincessNik – did you hear that guy on V-103 talking about how ALLLL men cheat and a woman should never leave a man for him sleeping with someone else? He said women cheat because they are lacking something or not getting something in the relationship…women cheat to fill a need. He said men just do it because they are a man…don’t have a reason.

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
9:54 am

It's me....lurker

July 6th, 2010
9:55 am

I would equate WD’s situation to being “almost pregnant.” Either you’re in or you’re not. No gray areas. Lying is unnecessary, a deal breaker and so not sexy. Who would remain interested in a person of no honor? And if you lie, you’re a liar.

i'm swiss

July 6th, 2010
9:56 am

“So you were trying to holla at me a second ago, now all of a sudden you just want to be my friend?”

Friend with benefits, Slim… friend with benefits/… ;-) :lol:

M. (pronouced Mdot and fresh from Chicago)

July 6th, 2010
9:57 am

Interesting topic..

This is the rule and not the exception these days that people arent keeping it all the way 100. I think it breaks down to 3 problems:

1. People are greedy and want it all.
2. People like having their ego stroked even if they are in a relationship. They like the idea of 2 or more people sweating them.
3. People want to know they can get someone else if they need to.

When I meet a woman, I determine if they are actually available by the energy that they give off. If they seem never available, always texting, flaking out on dates
and trying to reschedule, etc..they may be seeing somebody.

I think we guys mess up because when we meet a woman, we automatically assume she’s just at home baking cookies and waiting on us. NOPE. She is out and in the game playing! Never assume and always remember…with most women, there is a guy in their life at some capacity. Think about that…BF, dating, jumpoff, something!

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
9:58 am

Slim, I didn’t hear that, but I’ve heard that particular argument before, I don’t know if I fully agree or fully disagree. I will say i think women need a reason to cheat in MOST cases and men cheat because they can in MOST cases. These days its open call with cheating though, with so many women who “relish” the role of the other woman, and people in general just not having respect for relationships, their own or someone elses. SMH

PrincessNik

July 6th, 2010
10:00 am

1. People are greedy and want it all.

@ M. i had a guy trying to “get at me” nevermind he is married to one of my high school “associates”(10 years), I was like why you trying to get at me so hard, are you not happy, he said “no i’m happy, i’m just greedy”, I was like well that’s nice to know but I don’t do married men so you need to keep i moving.

Professor

July 6th, 2010
10:03 am

@blue good point on that 9:49. As much as I hate this saying, but this boils down to folks having their cake and eating it too.

@Slim now I feel sorry for chicks like that…when I worked at the airport years ago. I remember talking to this guy I believe he said he attended college here, but was going home for winter break or something. Anyway it was a lie and his WIFE called me :cry: in the phone and just going crazy. Now I felt bad for her and I told her to go and talk to him, and I did tell her that he approached me etc. Long story short I told her to calm down because I was here in Atlanta and she was there with him. Apparently he did business here in Atlanta, but was not a student like he claimed to be.

I just feel these sociopaths need to stop all that lying and tell both parties wassup.

M. (pronouced Mdot and fresh from Chicago)

July 6th, 2010
10:05 am

@Mark

There is probably nothing wrong with you. Sometimes the dating game gets slow and you gotta take your show on the road. Dont change to accomodate a woman. Be yourself and have the attitude if she is not feeling you then something must be wrong with her.

M. (pronouced Mdot and fresh from Chicago)

July 6th, 2010
10:10 am

@PrincessNik

Wow..the greed goes both ways.

I hear that alot from women in Atlanta. They meet a married guy and ask him whats his status and the top answers are:

1. I am seperated (which means I checked out of the marriage emotionally and in my mind awhile ago but she still thinks we are married.)

2. We are just not on the same page but we live together.

Thats funny. I know a woman who is dealing with a married guy and she used to be friends with the woman. He told my friend that they havent been happy in years, so why not get a divorce and just leave?

Sassy Me...feelin some type of waaay :-)

July 6th, 2010
10:11 am


1. People are greedy and want it all.
2. People like having their ego stroked even if they are in a relationship. They like the idea of 2 or more people sweating them.
3. People want to know they can get someone else if they need to.

Couldn’t agree with you more on your list M

Never assume and always remember…with most women, there is a guy in their life at some capacity. Think about that…BF, dating, jumpoff, something!

This right here definitely goes BOTH ways…but I don’t think it applies ALL of the time…but that’s just my opinion….I’m jus sayin’

Sassy Me...Sun Kissed :-)

July 6th, 2010
10:16 am

He told my friend that they havent been happy in years, so why not get a divorce and just leave?

Isn’t that the married man shpiel?…I mean don’t they ALL use the same line/lie? And if you’re that unhappy then why stay and continue to be miserable?…is it b/c they’re comfortable and don’t want to “start over” elsewhere?..or is it b/c they don’t wanna part with some of their money/assets? I wonder…

M. (pronouced Mdot and fresh from Chicago)

July 6th, 2010
10:16 am

@Sassy

Thats cool. I see what you are saying. But also, its easier for women to get a man. Guys have to work and go through the motions to get someone. Its more work for us.

Notice I didnt say its easy for a woman to get a relationship, but they can go to qt and get a man faster than gas and a cherry soda ;)

Professor

July 6th, 2010
10:18 am

One of my FB friends changed her status to single. Several of her FB friends made comments on being sorry for her etc. She made a comment that she is single, because she does not want to be a cheater.

Question: What about the folks that avoid the “labels” on a relationship so that they can get around and scrub the ground with anybody anytime, because they are single?

@M.(dot) right on!