accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Relationship 101: Building trust

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  We may think we want one (at least I do!) but we forget how much work is involved in building a good relationship that actually lasts beyond the “caught up in the haze of love” phase.

After the novelty of a new relationship wears off, the two of you are left with the business of finding out what makes one another tick.  You get to see your significant other deal with different situations  and circumstances, which in turn, reveals a lot about their character.

What surprises me most about being in a relationship is the amount of work it takes to get a guy to open up emotionally.  Sometimes it takes men a long time to trust, especially if he is unsure of how he feels about her.  Is that the case for women? I think it is.  I don’t fully disclose everything to men I date casually.  It takes me quite a while to connect and actually feel safe with a man.

When do you feel as if you can trust someone that you are dating?  At what point do you think they can handle the heavy stuff?

Is there a way for a woman to build trust with a man so that he knows she is reliable and trustworthy?  Can men do things to prove to women that they can be trusted?

Is there

405 comments Add your comment

Kym--Elin Woods is the Winner!!

July 1st, 2010
8:26 am

Good Morning All,

First off I am not sure what heavy stuff I have they would have to come to terms with. But I am pretty much a open book..just not so easy to trust people. In developing a relationship I am all about letting your actions speak louder than your words. What you say you are is nice..how you behave..tells all.

you know me

July 1st, 2010
8:56 am

Disgusted with trust
I’ll trust no one no more
Just went with the flow
Found myself on the floor
When you went away
All my pain went astray
Like it’s a new day
Now I have no one to argue with
Cause I’m not home
Don’t care who your with
Don’t call my phone
Or did you forget
You know your wrong
I’m gone
And your all alone…

Lucinda

July 1st, 2010
8:57 am

Trust comes in phases over time.

Phase I. I trust that you will do what you say you will do. For example, you call me if you say you will, you pick up that item on the way home if you say you will.

Phase II. I trust that you have my interests at heart. For example, you will think about what’s important to me, what I like, where we mesh.

Phase III. I trust you with some of my personal issues. For example, you will learn how I have been hurt in the past and won’t exploit that, you will learn what I’m struggling with and won’t try to take advantage of that.

Phase IV. I trust you will my life. You will know my weak spots and tender issues and I trust you will never use them against me. You will know my family and all its foibles and not hurt me with that information. I trust you entirely.

It takes time to move from one Phase to the next, because I need to see that person in many settings over time to know whether moving up a Phase is appropriate. VERY FEW people ever get to Phase IV, but if you do, we will be in it for the long term.

you know me

July 1st, 2010
9:06 am

Very well written Lucinda! I like the phase analogy.

MusingLee "Woods"

July 1st, 2010
9:08 am

Trust that I will hit this *$itch with my 9 iron if I come off of $750 million.

Mr_NYC

July 1st, 2010
9:11 am

Morning all, great post Lucinda.
Its a gradual bridging that has to take place on both parties’ part. Its been said ‘that to have a friend you must be a friend.’ In a similar vein, building trust requires each to open up a bit.

Can men do things to prove to women that they can be trusted?
From my experiences, I’ve learned that the simple act of being a man of your word goes a long way. Many times I’ve been told how much its appreciated when I’m there when I said I would be or called when I said I would, etc. Even if plans change, just open straightforward communication goes a long way.
My $.02

Professor

July 1st, 2010
9:15 am

Hola,

Lucinda Well said!

Now, I trust for the most part, but I am not that ooooohhhhh weeeeee I am a man type girl. With that being said all of that mushy stuff and avoiding red flags is not me. I look at the potholes/red flags and I will go from there. Usually I will kindly ask a few questions and the dude will know I see right through him if we have trust issues.

I think trust issues comes with age. In our early 20’s I think we are more trusting, however in our 30’s we are 30 years of experience and some of that experience is hurt and pain. Most people felt love, pain, regret, cheating and probably a little isolation and loneliness in there 20’s which is now carrying over. That is why self healing and dealing with ish properly is important.

SlimOne

July 1st, 2010
9:16 am

Lucinda – Love your post….totally sums it up

‘What surprises me most about being in a relationship is the amount of work it takes to get a guy to open up emotionally’

I have experienced this with the guy i’m dating. He has been very guarded but a while ago he said He loves me like Joel Osteen said you should love folks you care about. Last night he texts me and says I think I lube you…i’m like Um ok??? I wrote it off because i’m thinking “lube”…really? seriously? Then he says, I think i lube you more than Joel Osteen. So i suppose he is feeling some kind of way but is STILL too guarded to actually come out and say it.

Lucinda

July 1st, 2010
9:23 am

*…the simple act of being a man of your word goes a long way.*

@Mr. NYC
You said it! That’s Phase I all the way, and it goes a VERY long way because it shows your character as a dependable, steady, honest person. Amen.

@you know, Professor, Slim, thanks for the positive comments! :)

Raqi

July 1st, 2010
9:25 am

One thing that me and mine have always agreed on is trust starts by first doing what you say you are going to do. When you first meet someone you know nothing about them so all you can do at first is take their word for gospel. Being a wo/man of your words means a great deal.

The first look into a person being true to their own words is keeping dates and appointments. It’s just that simple. Once you see that a person shows up when they say they will; call when they say they will you can start to trust them. And it grows from there.

If you can’t trust a person to keep their own word then you definitely should not be trusting them with your “words”. That’s just how I feel.
Trust means so much to me. My marido and I agree to things and I make sure to hold to that. And he the same. We trust each other to do what we say. We can depend on each other. No matter how small the matter may seem to others, we keep our word to each other. To lose that trust will change the dynamics of our entire relationship.

Lucinda

July 1st, 2010
9:26 am

@Slim if he’s not saying “I love you”, he’s not ready to say it, and that’s fine. He will when he is. He undoubtedly is ‘catching feelings’, as the old folks say…

Lucinda

July 1st, 2010
9:28 am

@Raqi Phase I baby, all the way! Nobody wants to be with somebody who isn’t dependable. It’s disrespectful at its core, and that’s why it is so important.

SlimOne

July 1st, 2010
9:30 am

Lucinda – Yeah I figured that too but if a person is not ready to say it, don’t skip around the bush about it…just leave it alone until you are ready. I shouldn’t have to play Wheel of Fortune trying to guess the phrase. lol

Purple Rain

July 1st, 2010
9:30 am

In order to receive trust one must be trust worthy themselves. Don’t wait on someone to prove themselves trusty worthy before you release your trust to them.

Hello, Good Morning. Hello, Good Morning.

SlimOne

July 1st, 2010
9:31 am

Lucinda…he even said once “Olive Juice” LMAO! (sounds close enough but not really) He is silly

Lucinda

July 1st, 2010
9:37 am

@SlimOne He’s probably overwhelmed by the idea. It’s hard to say. He might be trying to figure out if you feel the same way before he steps out there with it. Cut him some slack, sounds like he’s trying AND he has a sense of humor, so good for him.

Lucinda

July 1st, 2010
9:38 am

@Purple Exactly.

blue

July 1st, 2010
9:38 am

GM – trust definietly starts with showing yourself to be a person of your word. and to be trusted, you must prove yourself the same, i do what i say i’ll do, i am what i say i am. but in being reasonable, there will be times when one of cant keep your word. but let it be for a good reason, there was an accident in front of me so i couldnt get to the house on time to pick you up, not i got caught up with watching the game and figured i was already late so id just head over on the commercial

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

July 1st, 2010
9:44 am

Lucinda – I love you.. That is all.

Professor

July 1st, 2010
9:45 am

@Slim how long have you been seeing him? Do you love him? If you don’t mind answering.

Kym--Elin Woods is the Winner!!

July 1st, 2010
9:51 am

@Lucinda I like your phrases of Trust.

@Slim ..I agree he maybe testing the waters no one man or woman wants to put their feelings out there to have them stomp on.

MUSING LEE What up homey???!!!

MusingLee "Woods"

July 1st, 2010
9:54 am

Hey Kym! What up sweet thang. I see you’re still holding it down.

SlimOne

July 1st, 2010
9:54 am

Professor – Um, We started hanging out about a year but we’ve been seeing each other more consistently for about the last 6 to 7 months. I have feelings for him which I’ve made known to him, so it’s not like he will standing out in the open alone. This is the same guy who says he doesn’t think he’s ever been IN love before. So that’s why I assume the hesitation is there.

AmazonRed™ - Go Elin!!!

July 1st, 2010
9:56 am

Morning all –

The key to building trust is to do the things you say you’re gonna do. Being dependable, reliable and honest are essential. No one is perfect, but if your track record consists of always righting wrongs, no one is gonna trust you

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

July 1st, 2010
9:56 am

Lucinda – That post was all the way on point. I think we should do like they do in street ball. After a monster jam like that the blog is over.. Shut down for the rest of the day..

Kym--Elin Woods is the Winner!!

July 1st, 2010
9:59 am

@Musing I am fine..What’s in the news with you? How’s the Mrs?

Lucinda

July 1st, 2010
10:02 am

@Infamous Works for me, let’s shut it down, I got stuff to do today.

abc

July 1st, 2010
10:03 am

You want a man to open up emotionally? What kind of sissy crap would he come up with then? Men aren’t like women in that regard, and they don’t ‘open up emotionally’.

A man will always figure that a woman could go off on an unreasonable tangent, not be reliable or trustworthy, based on her emotional reactions. Trust doesn’t have anything to do with the way men and women simply are.

SlimOne

July 1st, 2010
10:04 am

Infamous – I was thinking the same thing about the blog being shut down after that..Isn’t too much else to say. Is it too early for a topic change? lol

MusingLee "Woods"

July 1st, 2010
10:04 am

Kym, the Mrs. hasn’t kicked me out so I must be doing something right. I’m just staying busy and productive.

Purple Rain

July 1st, 2010
10:07 am

abc, if I had a twitter account and you had a twitter account I would follow you. (Pause) NO HOMO

Lucinda

July 1st, 2010
10:09 am

@abc Men are human and so have an emotional side as well as a physical, spiritual, and intellectual side. You ever heard some of those old school singers like Marvin? Running on emotion.

Not to say women and men have the same balance of all these sides, but they are all there. AND, everybody has a different balance among them all. Some women aren’t very driven by emotion, just as some men are.

GHANA

July 1st, 2010
10:10 am

It takes time to move from one Phase to the next, because I need to see that person in many settings over time

@Lucinda!

u killed it there coz really,going on dates as promised and calling u at the promised time aint that hard..most good playaz do that! :lol:

Time is the best tester of all biatchness! :lol:

@SlimOne….are u talking about the same Mr. Chameleon?? :lol:

Good morning Blogettes!

Hwdee Plumbers! :lol:

SlimOne

July 1st, 2010
10:12 am

Ghana – Yup ;-)

blue

July 1st, 2010
10:12 am

abc – how does a woman being emotional mean she is unreliable or untrustworthy?
and the idea that men cant open up without going into “sissy crap”? wow, i dont think women are looking for “sissy crap”, no need for you to cry when watching Sleepless in Seattle or Old Yeller. just looking for men to be human. everyone has emotion, and it isnt deadly to show it at appropriate times. IMO, sometimes the emotion a woman is looking for isnt so much crying or the like, but simply empathy to our emotion.

Sassy Me...You know I'm BAD :-)

July 1st, 2010
10:13 am

Lucinda your 8:57 said it all…

<em.Isn’t too much else to say. Is it too early for a topic change?

You’re right ain’t much else left….ditto on the topic change,to. :lol:

Purple Rain

July 1st, 2010
10:15 am

Ghana, I have to agree with you male and female players first item on their to do list is build trust.

SlimOne

July 1st, 2010
10:20 am

I personally know a dude who makes me wanna bytch slap him & tell him to get himself together because he is always crying about something! It’s just pathetic to be THAT darn sensitive as a man. After the first few times, it may come across as cute…but when you’re crying at a sporting event or something simple, then you have wayyyyy too much estrogen for my blood

blue

July 1st, 2010
10:23 am

what i find funny is men who say “women are emotional, men are logical”. that explains why when the car wont start im at autozone.com figuring out what that noise it makes and your in the driveway cursing and yelling, whacking the battery with a hammer

Mr_NYC

July 1st, 2010
10:23 am

Just my $.02
Men can display emotions. And it is healthy to display them with their women. Didn’t Adam have some flowing words when he was presented with Eve?
Just saying, to connect on this level does not take away one’s manliness. Even if one holds the emotions back as part of some sense of tradition or culture, the emotions are there — you are just hiding them from public display.

Professor

July 1st, 2010
10:24 am

Make sure you have your favorite blogger email addy and cell number…this blog is on its last leg.

Wise, does an excellent job. I think it would be great if they gave her a male counterpart to help balance the topics out.

Wassup Sassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssy

Kym--Elin Woods is the Winner!!

July 1st, 2010
10:24 am

@Musing GOOD Job! Good Job!

Well we could talk about Elin Woods payday. 750.00 million dollars to keep quiet and go away..I could do that!

Purple Rain

July 1st, 2010
10:31 am

Professor, that would be awesome for wise to have a Male counterpart. But why is the blog on its last leg, did I miss something?

Professor

July 1st, 2010
10:31 am

Elin is the real winner, shoot her deal is going to be worth more than Lebron James.

To do List

1. Pick up some fruit
2. Have cars detailed
3. Get hair done
4. Get a pedicure
5. Find a super rich man that will cheat.
6. Find out Elin’s atty
7. Go to the spa
8. Pick up a few things for my trip
9. Do the remix like Michael Douglas’ ex-wife, and ask for more money 20 years later

10. LOL all the way to the bank.

:wink:

MusingLee "Woods"

July 1st, 2010
10:34 am

Musing now calling Elin the 750 million dollar coochy.

Professor

July 1st, 2010
10:37 am

Purple,

It is solely my opinion that the blog is on its last leg due to the following:

1. We have overdone the going green approach on here with all of these recycled topics.

2. The topic changes from the readers are coming earlier and earlier.

3. Like a fire we need an accelerant…we need to add some wood hence my suggestion.

Shall I list more?

CoolShadow

July 1st, 2010
10:37 am

More kudos to Lucinda for her posting…

What surprises me most about being in a relationship is the amount of work it takes to get a guy to open up emotionally. Sometimes it takes men a long time to trust, especially if he is unsure of how he feels about her.

ABC brought up an interesting point, because I’m not predisposed to open up emotionally to anyone. I have the ability to trust without opening up emotionally. In general, it takes time, extrinsic proof and instinct to gain/earn one’s trust, varying by the individual. Usually it takes me a while to learn to trust someone; however, there are a rare instances where I immediately clicked with someone and the walls of distrust came down relatively fast compared to someone I may have known 10+ years.

kimmie

July 1st, 2010
10:37 am

Hey Blog Peeps!

Okay Lucinda! Yeah, that pretty much sums it up! Nothing to see here, move along!LOL!!

Got a few well-deserved days off, so I’m blogging from home.

So what’s the next topic? Elin? Well, nothing really to say about that. This is one area where I do understand where dudes come from. Cause if I was a billionaire, say I was Oprah & was married to Stedman and we got a divorce. I was told I had to pay Stedman most of my hard-earned fortune. Yeah, I’d be mad!

It’s cheaper to keep her! And I mean KEEP her, do right by her & respect the marriage.

With such reckless behavior, he knew what he had to lose. Most folks won’t see even 1% of the kind of money he’s made. Don’t really feel sorry for him.

abc

July 1st, 2010
10:39 am

blue, acting on emotion rather than rationale makes for an unreliable and untrustworthy outcome. Women are prone to act on emotion. Most men aren’t. It’s not to cast aspersions. But, men expect that a woman will have episodes of sufficient emotional malaise — ergo, self-induced drama — that an reliability and trustworthiness goes out the window.

Men don’t deal with emotion the same way women do. Talking about it is unnecessary. Men talk about how to fix problems, not just to share, or relate, or commiserate. To men, problems suck. Emotional problems especially suck. We don’t want to have any, and if we do, we don’t want to share them with you. You’ll just whack us over the head with them, anyway!

Purple Rain

July 1st, 2010
10:39 am

Professor, I understand. :)

Going Green, LOL