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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Dating: Dealing with your past

My apologies for the late blog post! I hope you are as ready for the weekend as I am! Happy Friday!

I don’t know if I will ever understand men completely.  Dating can be like this crazy ongoing education of human behavior, and male behavior is my major (or minor?).    Since  I have mainly been dating younger men lately,  I am trying to meet and date men older than 40.  Call it my something new for summer.

I had a lively debate with my guy of interest the other day.  He is older than I am so we were sort of recounting our past relationships and experiences.  He made some comment about his last girlfriend and the reason they broke up.  It had something to do with a surprising revelation about her that he discovered after a year of dating her.  He wouldn’t tell me what it was specifically but he said that it was because of what she had done in the past.

Well that sort of made me pause a bit. I was wondering if he was that overly critical and judgmental type of guy.  You know the type that goes over your past with a fine tooth comb and “vets” you like you are about to be his running mate in a presidential election? Yeah, that’s annoying.

We all have “a past” because we are living and breathing humans, not mannequins.   I think having “skeletons” in the closet gets blown out of proportion.  Let’s put it into perspective: What kind of past would warrant a break up?  Would you break up with someone because they did not tell you about it?

Do you think we are understanding enough of a person’s past? Do we use it as yet another excuse not to commit to a relationship? Discuss!

382 comments Add your comment

AmazonRed™ - Ready to groove

June 25th, 2010
9:30 am

Ha! First! Take that Leggs! ;)

Leggs

June 25th, 2010
9:31 am

Too funny, ARed! Second is cool sometimes!

Leggs

June 25th, 2010
9:34 am

Depending on what was done in the past definitely can be a dealbreaker. Say you’ve been out of jail for 5 years for a murder you committed. Deal breaker!

Say you use to date men in college, but realized the error of your ways (so to speak) and are now into women…Deal breaker!

AmazonRed™ - Ready to groove

June 25th, 2010
9:35 am

Sunday is National HIV Testing day. Make plans to get tested. Know your status!

http://www.hivtest.org or http://www.actagainstaids.org

AmazonRed™ - Ready to groove

June 25th, 2010
9:35 am

Sunday is National HIV Testing day. Make plans to get tested. Know your status!

http://www.hivtest.org

SlimOne

June 25th, 2010
9:37 am

Good morning! I shole have been enjoying the MJ Tributes today on the radio….

Being a repeat offender in the past, committing murder, rape/child molestation anything of that sort would be a deal breaker.

TGIF!!

Leggs

June 25th, 2010
9:37 am

{{{R.I.P. Mr. Michael Jackson.}}} His songs will be played all day today and specials on the boob tube all night!

AmazonRed™ - Ready to groove

June 25th, 2010
9:38 am

Well that sort of made me pause a bit. I was wondering if he was that overly critical and judgmental type of guy.

After a year of dating, he was probably genuinely in it. I think what he found out was something he thinks she intentionally tried to hide.

Leggs

June 25th, 2010
9:38 am

Good morning everyone! Especially the Early Bird, ARed!

M. (pronouced M dot)

June 25th, 2010
9:44 am

Friday….

I think dealing with the past is a maturity issue. Especially for guys. I will put it out there…ladies…guys are not lining up to deal with a woman that has a truckload of guys that they dealt with…It sucks for you women because its a catch 22 because a guy can have a truckload of women, but he will still be in tact for the most part. I know its unfair.

I think we just have to get to a level where we try not to pry to much into someone’s past which leads to judgments. We should worry about the now and how we will interact. Its funny because we all have done things that are unacceptable. Also its tough because it goes back to asking what someone’s number is. My rule is not to ask because she wont give me the right answer anyway lol..

So wise, how has your experience been with old vs. young guys? I hear a lot of older guys come off as know it all and chauvinistic vs. younger guys who may be free flowing. What do you think if you meet a guy in his 40s who never has had any kids or marriage? Does that make him afraid of commitment?

SlimOne w/my glitter glove on - HeHe

June 25th, 2010
9:58 am

Something’s are better left in the past…not everyone needs to know every single detail about how you let 3 guys finger you in 3rd grade during recess in the stairwell. We have all done things that are filed into the “Young-Dumb-Fun” category. Life is about experimentation & experiences…Now if you were…say…a p-orn star in your 20’s, that sure as hayo would need to be disclosed, I don’t care how many times you have been tested. (She ARED how I tied Nat’l HIV testing into my post ;-) )

Dirty Diana

June 25th, 2010
10:03 am

Hola!

Hmmmmmm

I remember chatting about this topic before on MIA. My thoughts are the same. There are certain things about your past I would like to know: if you served time in the big house, porn star, had ump-teen partners, engaged in drugs, addiction problems, mental problems, credit problems etc. There are some things you can leave in the past. I think this is a common sense issue, and certain things you are not going to find out until you reach a certain point in the relationship.

Lets face it we would all be :shock: if someone told us their life story on the first date.

AmazonRed™ - Ready to groove

June 25th, 2010
10:08 am

(She ARED how I tied Nat’l HIV testing into my post )

:lol: Go head Slim!

Kym-Living off the Wall

June 25th, 2010
10:10 am

Good Morning All,

I think I can handle anything–accept..child molester, murderer, and homosexuality. All can lead a person to revert back to their past behaviors. Even if they do say they are cured..so if that is in a guy’s past..I would have to bow out. Happy Friday Folks!

AmazonRed™ - Ready to groove

June 25th, 2010
10:10 am

Lets face it we would all be :shock: if someone told us their life story on the first date

Very true. And that’s the risk you run when giving “must tell info.” Tell too soon, the other person will run. Tell too late, the other person will run.

I try to keep an open mind because of it. Some ish is just hard to talk about. I guess the key is if you’re trying to hide it or cover it up (and get caught) versus being forthright and upfront about it (eventually)

kimmie

June 25th, 2010
10:10 am

Morning Gang!

Slim, I stayed out in the parking lot awhile before I came in listening to MJ! It’s been very enjoyable. I started to pack along my MJ cds in the car, but it’s something special about hearing him on the radio.

Topic – I think unless what went down is going to affect today or tomorrow it should be left in the past. I had a life before I met you & hopefully you’ve had one prior to meeting me. Important health, legal and financial biggies should be disclosed if you guys get close. If you stripped for awhile to pay your way thru medical school 10 yrs ago & now you’re dating a candidate for the US Senate, you might want to let that person know.

But we are all human, may have made some mistakes or had lapses in judgement. I abhor folks that are judgemental. I’ve seen that mess come back to bite people like that too. The very thing you looked down your nose at someone about could end up happening to you, tenfold.

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:11 am

hey gang tgif! what a week! glad to see it close!

Leggs - Starting with the Man In The Mirror!!

June 25th, 2010
10:16 am

I agree, certain things remain in the past, esp. those young n dumb fun encounters that were harmless. No need to drudge that stuff up. If it doesn’t affect our relationship in any form or fashion, it will stay buried.

Melo

June 25th, 2010
10:17 am

You know the type that goes over your past with a fine tooth comb and “vets” you like you are about to be his running mate in a presidential election?

How can he go over ur past with a fine tooth comb unless U,urself have revealed those things to him??

Grow Up!!

If u have stuff that really needs to be kept shut and closed in the closet,make sure the locks are secure coz the truth is,some things may really hurt u if they do come out. So enjoy ur youth carefully.

There are defintaely things that happenend in the past that wld make me change or say hmmmm,wait a minute,if i were to hear about them….so dont be naive to it. If it happened,its ur bed,u lie on it.

I will not ask u whether u had an orgy with more than 2 guys in ur past and if it happened,keep it to urself. But the moment u utter to tell me about it, i may request that u do an encore presentation with one of my buddies.

Then I will “elevate” u to ur proper category once u done coz ur attempts at playing future wife were not successful!! :-)

Hola derty derty Diana!!, nee former Professor!! :lol:

Morning folks!

CMS

June 25th, 2010
10:20 am

Your past has a way of haunting you indeed. Just like bad credit you have to reconcile past debts or else they will impact your future.

Most women won’t date a dude seriously if he has bad credit. It shows bad judgement in his past…especially if he hasn’t reconcile it. As it relates to this topic there are many women who have an impecable credit score, but a horrible score with men they have dated.

The same rules apply. Many men/women simply have unreconciled issues with people in their past. And if it continues to go unchecked it will inevitably rear its head, often when they least expect it.

Sassy Me...You know I'm BAD :-)

June 25th, 2010
10:20 am

R.I.P. Michael Jackson!!!

you’ve been out of jail for 5 years for a murder you committed. Deal breaker!…Say you use to date men in college, but realized the error of your ways (so to speak) and are now into women…Deal breaker!

I co-sign on that and would also include other egregious acts against children like molestation as definite deal breakers,too.

I hear a lot of older guys come off as know it all and chauvinistic vs. younger guys who may be free flowing.

I usually attract guys younger than me and I’ve also made it a piont to “date older” so I’ll see how that goes. I’d just like to find someone who’s not intimadated and has their stuff as together as I do,if not better b/c no one is perfect. Good luck to you Wise…hope all works out for the best.

What do you think if you meet a guy in his 40s who never has had any kids or marriage? Does that make him afraid of commitment?.
For me to think that would be hypocritical b/c in a few years I’ll be in that same situation….does that mean I’m afraid of commitment?…no I don’t think so. So wait M dot is that what guys think about women in that same situation?

Side note: I’ve decided to change some things in my life and it started with letting the boy toy go and he seemed all hurt….but I’m like why for?….I thought we had an understanding? Dude said “after all this…you’re done…that’s messed up”. After all of what?…he knew his lane from the outset but now I’m wrong cause I’m bouncing?….come on son.

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:22 am

sadly cms…..good post

mqew

June 25th, 2010
10:23 am

I have selective amnesia anyway, so ask away :lol: :lol: Only GOD can judge me anyway so all others need to Besame el culo :lol:

As far as deal breakers – child molestation, child abuse, actually not taking care YOUR child as well…. any thing that has to do with wrong doing to a child, straight deal breaker.

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:24 am

melo you have valid points too….but it is important to deal with unresolve issues be it internally or verbally with that person if you can…..communication is key….and with time it should be a tool for recovery….

Leggs - Human Nature

June 25th, 2010
10:24 am

@SassyMe ~ this young buck was interested in me, but he wanted a hot and heavy romance with me but had nothing on his plate. When I told him I didn’t want to go down that route, he called me a “stuck up biotch.” Oh well. Been broke, still a little broke, and like I’ve said before, don’t need any company!

Dirty Diana

June 25th, 2010
10:26 am

Melo :grin: you got it it’s me professor

Wassup PYT aka lady j and Sassssssssssssssssy

@Ared yep some ish is difficult to talk about.

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:26 am

yall I am heavily considering dating 5 years younger…..not more than 5…….hmmmmmmm……it will be a first…..lol

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:27 am

Dirty Diana you ROCK chica!!!!!! Happy Friday! ;)

M. (pronouced M dot)

June 25th, 2010
10:28 am

@Sassy

“is that what guys think about women in that same situation?”

No I think a woman in that situation may just have other priorities. She may not be interested in the family idea and may just have a stronger desire for succcess in other things. Thats fine if she wants to do that.

AmazonRed™ - Ready to groove

June 25th, 2010
10:29 am

Lady J – Don’t turn away a good guy cuz you’re hung up on age. How’s his character. That’s what deserves heavy consideration. ;)

Leggs - Liberian Girl

June 25th, 2010
10:30 am

@Lady-PYT ~ 5 years younger is not bad. Wait, that will make him…. :lol:

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:31 am

ARed and Leggs confirmation ladies! I am not! thanks ladies! :)

Dig That

June 25th, 2010
10:33 am

“and he seemed all hurt….but I’m like why for?….I thought we had an understanding?”

@Sassy- Don’t u just hate that? They always seem to forget that initial talk and think something has changed.
I digress.

The past can be so informative and detrimental all at the same time.

Dig That

June 25th, 2010
10:34 am

Good morning erybody

Dirty Diana

June 25th, 2010
10:34 am

Thanks Lady J.

Melo, tell us a story…like the one with the wangs in the jar when ol’ boy tried to come up. I need a laugh today

kimmie

June 25th, 2010
10:35 am

No I think a woman in that situation may just have other priorities. She may not be interested in the family idea and may just have a stronger desire for succcess in other things. Thats fine if she wants to do that.

M dot- Very mature, but that’s not what most men say about women in that situation. In fact, according to alot on this here blog, something is wrong with her!

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:36 am

hey dig that!

Sassy Me...You know I'm BAD :-)

June 25th, 2010
10:36 am

When I told him I didn’t want to go down that route, he called me a “stuck up biotch.”

See that right there was him just showing his age and why he got dismissed Leggs…cause if he really thought you were that “stuck up” then why step to you in the first place….let him gone ‘head somewhere.

Thanks for the explanation M dot cause sometimes I still wonder about that….you know,is it a good/bad thing.

Dir-ty Di-anaaaaaaaaa!! What it do,mami :lol:

JtJ

June 25th, 2010
10:37 am

Happy Friday!!! Good Morning!!
The Past…THE past…THE PAST!! Everyone has one and if you have lived only 1 day, you already have one. There are definite deal breakers for me that I know I couldn’t deal with…Criminal acts..i.e. Molestation, Murder, Rape, Drugs, etc. –Yes, some people can be reformed, but I just couldn’t deal with it. Also, Infidelity with and w/o producing a child, Homose*ual thoughts or acts, Fake Identity, and anything else that would make it difficult for me to trust you.

M.(dot) pretty much said it right about men not being accepting of a woman who’s had a lot of men. I would even go a step and say it also would matter to me of the TYPE of men/women a person has been with.

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:39 am

@dig that worth repeating: The past can be so informative and detrimental all at the same time!!!!!! Amen!

an open books gives the prey much to seek yet too much mystery leaves one hangin’ on strings…..there is a fine balance and I am trying to master it……

mqew

June 25th, 2010
10:41 am

Dang! Why the blog eat my post? I only said kiss my ass in spanish…

I repeat. I have a selective memory anyway soooo ask away. Only God can judge me so the rest can besame el culo :lol: :lol: :lol:

Deal breakers have to do with kids; child molestation, child abuse, and not taking care of YOUR child are all deal breakers

kimmie

June 25th, 2010
10:42 am

JtJ – I keep forgetting to ask you. Since you are planning a wedding and would like ideas, have you checked out Essence.com on Wednesdays for their Bridal Bliss feature. They feature a new couple each week, talk about how they met & show their wedding pictures. It’s nice.

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:42 am

when folk really don’t care they can come in listen attack and be gone…..saying all the right things for comfrot for the moment…………but the weak is so blinded and will fall for anything……..Girl Power Baby!!!!

Power Up and use logic vs emotions!

M. (pronouced M dot)

June 25th, 2010
10:42 am

@JtJ

“TYPE of men/women a person has been with.”

That is funny you say that and I agree with you because the kind of person they date says alot about them and this is an aspect of the dating game that nobody talks about.

Example, I work with a woman who is attractive, single with no kids, great job etc, but her ex had a gang of kids by a lot of different women, etc. What does that say about her?

@Kimmie

Thats true. Some people may think something is wrong but Im not sure. Its just about what people want out of life.

Leggs - JAM

June 25th, 2010
10:43 am

@SassyMe ~ exactly, when dealing with a younger man, must assess his maturity level. It doesn’t take long!!

Leggs - JAM

June 25th, 2010
10:44 am

@M. ~ on the surface it says she found someone who can put it down! (J/K)

Sassy Me...You know I'm BAD :-)

June 25th, 2010
10:44 am

but that’s not what most men say about women in that situation. In fact, according to alot on this here blog, something is wrong with her!

And that line of thinking isn’t limited to the men on this blog either Kimmie…it’s just like that first part of M dot’s 9:44…it’s a catch 22/double standard and it’s not fair.

Lady-PYT-RIP MJ

June 25th, 2010
10:45 am

I feel surface info is important……regarding a break-up very lite and to the point……..and keep it movingwith exploring and getting to know each other……at some point we have to let our guards down and welcome a new experience…..we all have something in common…..we have all been hurt and disappointed……..it is ok to move on…..

SlimOne w/my glitter glove on - HeHe

June 25th, 2010
10:45 am

Off topic – how in sam heyal do you try to sell your 6 month old baby at Walmart for $25?!!!!

M. (pronouced M dot)

June 25th, 2010
10:48 am

@Leggs – JAM

I agree with you…she got drunk off the package and lost all rationale…