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Time to settle.. down

It isn’t often that I complain about male attention because most of the time I enjoy it.  It’s a really rare moment of regretting men exist that, thankfully, I get over pretty quickly.  Last week, I had the misfortune of having a discussion with a man, who I’ll call Mike, because that’s the jerk’s name.

Mike is married.  Mike believes that as a married man he has the right to say any old random thing to single women.  He starts talking about the fact that I am still not married and marveling over how youthful I look because of this fact (or in spite of?).  He has gray hair that he blames on his wife and her boyfriend.

The conversation devolves when Mike offers to be my boyfriend, someone who I can talk to and be there for me.  He thinks that my life is “too free” and I need to settle down and have a man guide it.

This is the part where I would love to tell you that I punched Mike in the forehead. I did not do this. Remember, my dad raised a non-violent, classy woman (thanks a lot, Dad). Instead, I told Mike that I am pretty satisfied with my “fancy free” life at this moment.  I would love to be married one day and I am willing to wait until the right man (preferably not married?) came along.  I graciously ended the conversation and ranted about needing married man repellent.

It’s interesting that settling down is viewed by some to mean no longer being a free spirit.  I don’t know if I am being unrealistic here, but when you marry someone, aren’t you allowed to still do some things you did before you were in a couple?

Clearly, I wouldn’t go to strip clubs or hire private dancers at my condo when I get married (not that I’m doing that right now or anything.) I just want to know what do men expect their women to give up when she settles down?  Why do people have a time frame for women to get married?

Why do people think they can and should let you know when they think it’s time to settle down?

Sizzling summer panel starts next week! If you have expressed interest in being on the panel, I will send out an email today. If you want to join the fun email me! wise.diva@gmail.com

191 comments Add your comment

sexyCOOL

June 21st, 2010
8:21 am

Three Words Daily – Maintain your integrity.

Kym-You wouldn't know it by looking at me but...

June 21st, 2010
8:24 am

Good Morning All,

Why do people have a time frame for women to get married?

I have no idea..I guess it goes back to the days of being a old maid. If you haven’t married by a certain time then you will be a old maid living with cats…I know a few ladies who have married after the age of 35 and had kiddies(pretty sure I am not doing the baby thing again. Dare I type this..but I want to get married someday(dizzy..steady..steady)or atleast settle into a comfort life with a perm-boyfriend.

Why do people think they can and should let you know when they think it’s time to settle down? Oh that’s easy cause they nosy and if they are your family they care anddddd they nosy. My cousin told me I have to stop being so hard on a brother and being so hard to catch..not sure I have figured that out yet. But I will take this thought into consideration.

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

June 21st, 2010
8:26 am

Good Summer Monday Morning Good People!!!!!!

Jeff

June 21st, 2010
9:03 am

I think it’s a myth that “alot of people” expect women to give up things when they get married. If anything, I see the media trumpet the theory that women SHOULD have it all and deserve it. As a rule of thumb, we encourage women to do anything (you go girl) and seem to always be telling males: stop that, don’t do that, what you should be doing is……, surpress that neanderthal desire.

WD, seems like you ran in to a complete jerk, but he doesn’t represent men any more than the women on housewives represents married women.

Lucinda

June 21st, 2010
9:12 am

You inevitably have to give up certain things when you get married because marriage requires considering two peoples interests, not just one. You give up some amount of self-centerdness because you have to become we-centered. It doesn’t mean you can’t ever do things you want to do, by yourself or with people other than your spouse. It does mean that you need to take your spouse’s point of view into consideration.

As to the “when are you getting married” question, that’s probably rooted in the tradition of getting married before having children. That’s time driven.

And then after you get married it’s always “when are you having a kid?”. Then you have one and it’s “When are you having another kid?”. After that, the formula questions seem to stop, thankfully.

Any married man looking for a ‘relationship’ other than his wife should really give some serious thought to why he is married at all.

Professor

June 21st, 2010
9:19 am

Hola!

Hmmmm

This topic is funny to me. The reason I say that is because I’ve seen intelligent folks build their lives on a timeline, and when that timeline failed they became depress. Everything is not for everybody at the same time. Marriage is not for everyone, some folks are better off single.

Wassup Lady J!!!

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

June 21st, 2010
9:24 am

Waving @ Professor!!!!!!

Lucinda great post!

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

June 21st, 2010
9:29 am

professor I have slowly let that timeline go of mine….I am a rigid person and love my schedule and plans of actions but you are right about different seasons for different folks….be secure in your season and embrace it and don’t sweat the small stuff…..that is my own adice to ME! girl you already know where a timeline can get ya! lol

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

June 21st, 2010
9:30 am

meant advice….

AmazonRed™ - Summer time!

June 21st, 2010
9:31 am

What a douche.

Morning all!

I

June 21st, 2010
9:34 am

Good Summer Monday Morning Good People!!!!!!

And a happy top o’ the summer morning to you, too! :)

w00t!

I

June 21st, 2010
9:34 am

The rest of my name: “I <3 Pickles" dissappeared.

…sigh..

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

June 21st, 2010
9:35 am

abc

June 21st, 2010
9:39 am

Where do you encounter people like good ol’ Mike? While his rap is a pretty large load of crap, I have to wonder how scumbags like that gain access to you.

Leggs

June 21st, 2010
9:42 am

Good morning.

I was :shock: at the part of his wife and her boyfriend. WD, did you ask why he’s still in the marriage if he knows she has a boyfriend. Or, did he simply tell you that in the hopes of being able to get with him. I swear some men don’t think women have any scruples.

This deserves repeating :arrow: What a douche.

kimmy

June 21st, 2010
9:46 am

Hi,

I think the whole phrase “settle down” implies being bored. For some people they stop living their lives when in fact it starts a whole new chapter. Men think settling down means devoting your life to them, but it’s about a balance of living your life and being a blessing to his.

Mike P

June 21st, 2010
9:57 am

Why do people have a time frame for women to get married?

Because most traditional men want to marry a woman who is emotionally mature, “grown up,” and within what’s considered “healthy child bearing age.”

society at large view MOST women over thirty who haven’t married don’t seem to have had these basic personality characteristics at the healthy child bearing age, allowing them to marry at a reasonable age.

sound harsh but it is indeed how this society view it, guessing because of the heavy pioneering, christian /African slavery background.

DreamsMaterialize

June 21st, 2010
9:58 am

Morning
When you marry there are some things you give up or temper out of consideration for the other person and the relationship in general. If you’re naturally flirtatious, then you’d obviously have to temper that when in a relationship. In terms of settling down, you do that whenever YOU are ready. Everyone else in the world can tell you what to do, but no one else in the world has to live with the consequences of your choices. If they concentrated on the quality of their own decisions, they might not have time to be worrying about yours.

Mike P

June 21st, 2010
9:59 am

society tells women to “have your fun now (while young)”, but you’ll pay for it later in many, untold ways

i'm swiss

June 21st, 2010
10:00 am

1) This “Mike” dude is a moron.

2) I don’t think there’s any one right or wrong answer here. The question is what do you want out of life. If you’re feeling like you have to give up things for a relationship, then chances are you’re either not ready for or don’t really want that particular relationship. The simple truth is when you go from being single to being in a serious relationship, your life does change. But that should be something you want, not something you feel obliged to do.

Professor

June 21st, 2010
10:03 am

@ i good morning back at you

@Lady J I am not into timelines like that either. Goals :arrow: YES timelines :arrow: NO as it relates to being married and all that other stuff. I was not even born on time :grin:

Sassy Me...The neighbors know MY name :-)

June 21st, 2010
10:06 am

Wise get outta my head por favor :)

I can’t tell you how many times I get the :shock: when people find out I’m still single SANS man and children. I wonder if there is some unwritten societal rule that mandates that a woman should be married and birthin babies by a certain age. Give me a break already…there are enough broken adults out there who are the result of people having children before they’re ready(if at all).

Now on to the married man thing….that’s just gross. What I don’t understand is that the married men have become so BRAZEN in their exploits and feel entitled to step out as long as they’re “taking care of home”. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve been propositioned by a married man and the incredulous look of shock and disbelief when I shut them down…some even have the audacity to get upset…GTFOH and take your lame a** home.

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

June 21st, 2010
10:08 am

swiss good post

to expand just truly be ture with yourself and be ready for marriage and what it brings….be ready to put the work in and make it last….know that those first few years are major and critical and don’t let it affect the institution of it……….don’t do it for society……..do it beacuse you are tuly ready to incoperate someone’s whole self into your your world….it isn”t for the faint at all….

AmazonRed™ - Summer time!

June 21st, 2010
10:11 am

While I do enjoy my life as is, and think there shouldn’t be pressue to settle down and have kids just because everyone thinks you should…

In actuality, I would like to be settled down and married and maybe have some kids. It just hasn’t happened for me yet. But if I did have a choice, and would settle for any ole thing, I would be part of the settled down club.

Sassy Me...The neighbors know MY name :-)

June 21st, 2010
10:12 am

Lady J,Professor,Leggs…good morning lovlies :)

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

June 21st, 2010
10:16 am

good morning sassy! :)

Professor

June 21st, 2010
10:19 am

Hey Ms. Sasssssssssssssssssssssy

Kym-You wouldn't know it by looking at me but...

June 21st, 2010
10:32 am

I have to say already feel pretty settled in my life. I really am not sure what settled means to others or to society..but I feel really settled. I have a peace and comfort with my personal life. I spent the weekend surrounded by my family and some great friends and that has brought me joy and peace. Hanging on the couch with my son watching Leverage last night..I felt pretty settled. I have some challenges regarding my professional life..but I am so grateful for employment during these times that I am overlooking the foolish and focusing on the future. I don’t know looking at my life right now..good and bad..I feel pretty darn good and settled.

kimmie

June 21st, 2010
10:32 am

Good morning lovely people! Hope everyone had a nice Father’s Day weekend.

Not only does EVERYONE have women on a timeframe to be married & have kids, they have a timeframe on how long you should be dating someone before you SHOULD be getting engaged! :)

A relationship, whether it’s a committed dating situation or marriage, should be the coming together of two INDIVIDUALS, enhancing each other’s lives with what they bring to the table. The things they bring to the table are their values, ambitions, interests, hobbies, morals, lifestyles, etc. One may be more of a homebody, while the other likes to be out and about. Some love the great outdoors or athletic pursuits, while others like techy stuff or cooking or music. Some are very spiritual and family-oriented, love kids or want to remain childless and travel.

You should be yourself when getting to know each other. You should not feel the need to give up your interests because you are in a relationship. These are things that make you you. Another person to share YOU with should be the icing, not the end of the journey.

Of course, behaviors not supportive of the relationship should be curtailed, but that should be a given. A lot of times it’s not and that’s why a lot of relationships don’t work.

Oh & married men hitting on women – disgusting! But that’s why scorned wives should direct their anger more at their husbands than the other women. You have no idea the sob-stories some of those men have told! And I believe NONE of them!

East Point's Own

June 21st, 2010
10:33 am

If you do not expect to give up some things when you get married, do not expect to have a successful marriage. Things must change when you have to consider your mate (and children). Perception plays a major role in our lives you can’t be involved in anything that might give the perception that you are up to something to your mate or those who know you or your mate. That harmless lunch date or happy hour with a friend of the opposite sex can cause problems if you don’t communicate with your mate, and even if you do communicate it can still cause problems with friends & family who see you out. I am not saying that a married person cant go to lunch of happy hour with a friend of the opposite sex, but I am saying that you have to have an understanding mate and very good communication skills, and a lot of good old common sense.

http://hispointofview.com

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

June 21st, 2010
10:33 am

numbers don’t lie……….everyone wants the happy side of it……..people may scream why aren’t you married but we should be asking why can’t we stay married through it all………don’t believe the hype and just truly know what you want and why you want it………

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 21st, 2010
10:36 am

“He has gray hair that he blames on his wife and her boyfriend.

“I need to settle down and have a man guide it.”

^THOSE were the funniest lines in this wholly comedic post.

Mike was a comedian, wasn’t he? Either that, or you’re practicing to become a comedy writer.

Frickin’ hilarious.

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

June 21st, 2010
10:37 am

good post EPO!

kimmie

June 21st, 2010
10:37 am

EPO – I like your post and you are so right about perception! It’s hard for a lot of people to get that!

East Point's Own

June 21st, 2010
10:43 am

**Bows to the left*** Thank you very Much **Bows to the right** Thank you very much ***stands with arms extended overhead*** Thank you all

It's me....lurker

June 21st, 2010
10:44 am

Things must change when you have to consider your mate (and children). Perception plays a major role in our lives you can’t be involved in anything that might give the perception that you are up to something to your mate or those who know you or your mate. That harmless lunch date or happy hour with a friend of the opposite sex can cause problems if you don’t communicate with your mate, and even if you do communicate it can still cause problems with friends & family who see you out.

Very well stated

Sassy Me...The neighbors know MY name :-)

June 21st, 2010
10:45 am

But that’s why scorned wives should direct their anger more at their husbands than the other women.

OKAY?! Instead it seems as though they throw it all on the mistress and I don’t think that’s totally warranted…now if the other woman didn’t know dude was married(and left) then that’s one thing but if the mistress stayed then yeah she deserves what she gets…also when a woman knowingly cavorts with a married man they yeah her sorry a** is as much fair game as his…

free to be (F2B)

June 21st, 2010
10:49 am

good morning everyone!:)

AmazonRed™ - Summer time!

June 21st, 2010
10:50 am


Due to unforeseen and completely awesome circumstances (promise I will divulge on Monday!),

WiseDiva – A promise is a promise. I know this douche Mike is not the “awesome circumstance” so tell us what is! :)

Sassy Me...The neighbors know MY name :-)

June 21st, 2010
10:55 am

Good morning Free to beeeeeeee! :lol:

kimmie

June 21st, 2010
10:57 am

Sassy – I’ve heard more than a few naive women say that if all the single women in the world would just notice the wedding band and stay away from all the married men there would be no messing around! As if the women are doing ALL the approaching and putting a gun to these men’s heads!

Now yes, there are plenty trifling women out there that purposely pursue married men & I’ve had more than a few married male friends tell me thier ring is like a magnet! I’m not talking about those situations.

I don’t approach men, so the married men approach ME. Very boldly, sometimes with the ring in full display, other not. But it is very known they are married. Trifling!

Leggs

June 21st, 2010
11:08 am

Good morning, SassyME!

@kimmie “Now yes, there are plenty trifling women out there that purposely pursue married men….” This is true, but it’s up to that married man to not get caught. If he had respect for his vows, his wife and his family, he would shut down any advances up front. No pursuing would take place.

Sassy Me...The neighbors know MY name :-)

June 21st, 2010
11:08 am

if all the single women in the world would just notice the wedding band and stay away from all the married men there would be no messing around!

:shock: People believe that ish?….Houston we have a problem

married men approach ME. Very boldly, sometimes with the ring in full display

That’s usually how it happens to me,too. They figure if the ring is on blast and the woman still reciprocates his advances then she already knows what it is and is down…it’s like an automatic out for them b/c they will surely throw that well she saw my wedding ring so she knows what it is around as long as it suits their needs/purposes….greedy bastards.

But knowing how fragile the male ego is….I wonder how/if they could handle it if it were the other way around and their woman/wife was stepping out and they knew it…speak on that.

Living Life

June 21st, 2010
11:10 am

Good Morning all!!

I have a question…. If you met a woman age 40, not married and no kids… why do some think something it wrong with her?(My brother met this lady and he is trying to explain his thoughts just curious on others comments..)

Sassy Me...The neighbors know MY name :-)

June 21st, 2010
11:13 am

if all the single women in the world would just notice the wedding band and stay away from all the married men there would be no messing around!

Chile puh-leaze….you mean there are grown women who think,yet alone, believe that?…wow now that’s a sad state of affairs(no pun intended).

so the married men approach ME. Very boldly, sometimes with the ring in full display,

Happens to me all the time…I guess if they have the ring on blast then they can always use that “well she saw my ring so she knows what it is” card but that’s a bunch of malarkey.

kimmie

June 21st, 2010
11:20 am

Leggs – 11:08 – Absolutely it is up to the married man to respect his vows. I’m talking about the wives that try to put most of the blame on the other woman.

Sassy – Yes, grown women!

CoolShadow

June 21st, 2010
11:22 am

I just want to know what do men expect their women to give up when she settles down?

Basically the men (and sometimes women) who can’t/won’t respect the boundaries of your marriage and the totally carefree attitude you had prior to settling down(if you had one). When you settle down you will probably have to alter your social lifestyle but that shouldn’t mean you should completely exchange weekend excursions and enjoying life in general for a life of movies from Blockbuster or Netflix on the couch. But that’s something that has to be discussed on the front end once things get really serious.

Why do people have a time frame for women to get married?

From my perspective, that seems to usually come from three sets of people: 1) older women who didn’t have as many options in their lives and getting married was more of a rite of passage than an option for them; 2) contemporaries who got married very early and who thinks marriage is for everybody or they’re wondering what if they had held off on marriage a little longer and are looking for ‘misery loves company’ recruits and 3) drama-centric people who like to be up in your business who give no rhyme or reason to how settling may affect your life but can’t manage their own lives.

Why do people think they can and should let you know when they think it’s time to settle down?

See item #3 in the previous paragraph.

kimmie

June 21st, 2010
11:24 am

Cool Shadow – Love your post, especially your timeframe reasons!

Sassy Me...The neighbors know MY name :-)

June 21st, 2010
11:32 am

Cool Shadow you got down with that one..that time frame is soo on point….especially #3.

Coley

June 21st, 2010
11:33 am

Was there a update from last weeks start post on Friday? I am referencing – The so much has happened and I will fill you in.

Hiya Everyone