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Dance with my Father

Sunday is Father’s Day! I have been playing Luther Vandross’ tear-jerking song, Dance with My Father all week.  It is one of my favorite “Hallmark” days because I am a self-proclaimed Daddy’s girl.  I was picking out cards this week and got all misty-eyed and emotional just reading the sappy words.  If that doesn’t make me a Daddy’s girl, I don’t know what does.

I love him not just because he has “kept me off the pole,” I love him because he is a cool dude. It seems that the older we get, the cooler he becomes.  Nothing fazes the man, I admire his pragmatic approach to life and love.  I really believe he is part of the reason why I am so resilient.  I still feel the dating disappointments when they happen but I bounce back.  I get up and dust my ego off and I keep it moving.  I do this without slashing tires or destroying property. Daddy raised a classy broad who likes her freedom.

I have always heard from men that being a Dad really changes their lives.  Their outlook on life shifts and things become richer and you gain clarity.  Men, is this true?  If you are the father of a daughter, did it change your perspective about women? Does it change how you date and relate to them too?

I have found that dating single Dads can be a really rewarding experience, especially when the man is mature and responsible. Men with children have to be very careful about what type of woman they bring around their kids.  It just won’t work if they are dating a self-absorbed, demanding woman who has to be put first in everything.  I have seen a lot of women blow their chances with single Dads because they start off being so pushy about quality time.

When a man has custody or shares custody with a child, he obviously can’t be at your beck and call.  Why would you want a man at your beck and call, anyway?  It’s important to be understanding and flexible.  I believe it is all worth it to compromise! Guys, do you have any other advice to women who date single fathers?

What are you plans for the upcoming weekend? I know it’s only Thursday but I can’t wait to get the weekend started!

Happy Father’s Day to all our wonderful Fathers on the blog.  Thank you for being a DAD!!

241 comments Add your comment

kimmie

June 17th, 2010
10:56 am

Melo, you might sound crazy on this blog most days, but you read to be a good dad!

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

June 17th, 2010
10:57 am

jeff i agree no man I have dated can say they met kadie or I comprimised my time for her for them…..not happening…..if I am out playing best believe home is taken care of and she comes first no matter what i do……..good post sir!

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

June 17th, 2010
11:00 am

i often wonder if she saw a man kiss or hug me how would she react…….lol……but I refuse to let her in when that and I mean serious LTR comes for me it will come for her….I really don’t see that until she is in high school or college late 30s or 40s for me…..def not any time soon…..lol

PrincessNik

June 17th, 2010
11:04 am

Lady J

I hear what you ar saying, but don’t be so closed minded about waiting til kadie is in high school or college that you miss out on a blessing one day. I by no means advocate having her around every dude you date, heck any dude you date until u and dude have established u in it for the long haul.

Just keep an open mind…….never say never

Its my understanding that once they get that old its even harder to “blend” a family but I can’t say cause my little one is 7 not 17 lol.

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 17th, 2010
11:08 am

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

June 17th, 2010
11:08 am

I am not close minded but I don’t have any potentials and don’t forsee any either…..time is going by she will be 5 in august…..i jsut don’t see it other than a LTR why would they need to meet her…..I sure don’t want another FWB situation but if it happens they ain’t meeting kadie honey……i just don’t know I will pray about it….God knows my heart and I love that she is sheltered and I lkie how her childhood is developing she don’t need my characters I will just instill in her what she should seek from a man and her dad is setting the tone too….I want her to be better than me and she is daily….. ;)

Professor

June 17th, 2010
11:13 am

@PK I believe it is harder to blend when children are in the late teens and early 20s. That is nothing scientific just my little observation. I think the little ones are more loving, but they are also very vulnerable if the relationship crashes.

nita

June 17th, 2010
11:14 am

i am thoroughly convinced that i have the greatest father in the world. Although he died suddenly 6years ago, i just recently visited my stepmother without crying (finally). I worshipped him and was so willing to forgive his shortcomings because I knew he would never intentionally hurt anyone. He became my rock when I became an adult and showed me what a real man is. He and my grandfather (maternal) were amazing. When my mother died, he raised my 2 brothers and me w/out so much of a peep. My grandmother wanted him to let her raise me but he was the best person for the job. He made me feel secure and safe. He was my Clark Kent. Instead of letting my aunts or grandmothers take me to buy bras and panties, he did my shopping He always had a grasp on everything. I miss him more than he will ever know. I love you daddy.

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

June 17th, 2010
11:16 am

pk my point goes back to my childhood while I can point out my daddy’s gf from years back to today my mom didn’t go out and get a boyfriend and have him in our face or home…….she is far from perfect but I appreciate that and it is in my blood not to have men that has no importance to her around her……I date and enjoy it but it doesn’t require her….I am thankful she has a great dad bc i am not searching for a daddy for her……..until I secure what I am seeking and it is solid it doen’t pertain her at all imo…….

PrincessNik

June 17th, 2010
11:17 am

@ Lady J

again i say

I by no means advocate having her around every dude you date, heck any dude you date until u and dude have established u in it for the long haul.

What i’m saying is don’t shut out the OPTION, you never know when you will meet “the one”

@ Professor, you are right I’m 30 and my mom is dating now and my spoiled brat self aint really feeling it LOL, the first guy she date after my dad passed he and I were like oil and water, but i was polite and respectful but i tried to stay away if i knew he was there or was coming. The guy now i can tolerate better.

PrincessNik

June 17th, 2010
11:18 am

Lady J i’m not talking about random dudes

i mean the dude that one day you wake up and realize oh shyt i’m in love. ;)

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

June 17th, 2010
11:19 am

yep crashes I am not ready for that professor not involving her emotions on my emotional rollercoaster lol

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

June 17th, 2010
11:20 am

PK I am open to that expirence it hasn’t happened so what I am saying i see no point when it does sure I am open to it but I am FAR from it……i feel but what is for me will be at the end of the day! ;)

PrincessNik

June 17th, 2010
11:23 am

until I secure what I am seeking and it is solid it doen’t pertain her at all imo…….

thats all i was saying ;)

Professor

June 17th, 2010
11:23 am

@PK, chileeeeeeeeeeeeee I know what you mean. The first two men that tried to date my mom was ran away by “yours truly” not in a mean way, but a nicety way. That last joker called us orphans (I was grown and in my 20s) and did not find his joke funny.

@Lady J you have to protect her, but once you find that LT relationship and you will. I believe you will know the right time to introduce Lil’ lady J to that special guy.

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

June 17th, 2010
11:25 am

Morning.. My son is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me.. Never knew a love so pure and unconditional. I would definitely give my life for him to live..

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 17th, 2010
11:26 am

A post about dancing with my father from five years ago. (My how time flies.)

PrincessNik

June 17th, 2010
11:26 am

Professor my folks say I don’t like anybody

My brothers hate to bring a chick around because they know i’m not going to say much but I am doing major observations, they say you don’t like nobody and i say have i been wrong yet about a chick you introduced me to?

JtJ

June 17th, 2010
11:26 am

*Its my understanding that once they get that old its even harder to “blend” a family but I can’t say cause my little one is 7 not 17 lol.*

@ Pk & Proffessor…I can attest that it is indeed a challenge to blend families at any age, but I agree more so when the kids become older. I find myself always trying to remind myself, JT, and the kids that we are family now and there is no more me and my dad (Jt’s daughter) or my mom (my kids)..It’s challenging because the oldest kids (14,13 & 12) often times like to refer to things as “my dad’s” or “my mom’s”. We haven’t had any issues with the kids back-talking or saying “you aren’t my parent”, I think they have a real good understanding of it all. But, there are times, when we have family functions on his side of the family, that I feel my children aren’t acknowledged…maybe that will change though, after the wedding..idk.

I have told the story many times on here, how JT and waited over 6mths before we allowed the kids to meet. We did it by way of a weekend trip to an amusement park. We wanted to see how the kids would mesh. We also did an impromptu hockey game (with the kids not knowing) and sat on the same row, while the kids knew nothing about us. It was funny, we kept sneaking peeks at each other and making googley eyes, while the kids enjoyed their hockey experience.

@Lady J–Like you said, you definitely should wait until the relationship is established and the time is right.

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

June 17th, 2010
11:26 am

Wanting to meet my kid prematurely just got the last babe cut off..

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

June 17th, 2010
11:27 am

awww professor that is ugly…shame on him…..cool pk we see eye to eye……and professor I will happily when it is my time to shine with a mate that wants me just as much as I want him! I have hope and believe that LTR will come and I will remarry one day!!!! I know my worth!

THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING

June 17th, 2010
11:30 am

JTJ – what do your kids call him? and his call you?

DJ Sniper

June 17th, 2010
11:31 am

Great blog today. Sunday will my first Father’s Day, and it will be nice. Our daughter was born 3 months premature, and now she’s doing just fine. She is truly our little miracle baby, and I cherish every day I have with her. I look forward to guiding her in life so that she chooses the right path.

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

June 17th, 2010
11:34 am

awwww DJ Sniper Happy Fathers Day and your ANGEL is meant to be here!!!! she will ROCK it later in life as she shines her light!!!!! God Bless your family!!!!!

Sassy Me...Misty Lady:-)

June 17th, 2010
11:34 am

Mornting y’all…I was just gonna lurk on this topic b/c I’m more than sure anyone who’s read me long enough know how I feel about my father. I was watching a reality show on VH1 about guys who are about to become fathers and this one guy was asked the type of relationship he had with his dad and he answered “About as good as you can have with a man that never wanted to be a father”….that was me all the way…all of my life.

Recently my father reached out to my mom in an effort to build some sort of relationship with my siblings and I and I don’t know what to do….he’s done it before and it’s never worked and it’s been very painful. For some reason this time mommy said he sounds different this time…but I don’t know what to do.

Honestly..really and truly what do you(blog men and women) think about this? I feel conflicted… :(

Professor

June 17th, 2010
11:36 am

@PK LOL two of my brother’s ex-girlfriends I could not stand. Both were crazy…I just knew before the rest of my family did.

@JtJ I like the hockey game experience and letting the first meeting be at an amusement park.

@Lady J I thought it was mean of him as well. Once you factor his age into the picture it was down right crazy.

PrincessNik

June 17th, 2010
11:36 am

@DK, i make it clear that meeting my daughter is my decision and only two dudes have earned that priv.

Professor

June 17th, 2010
11:39 am

@Sassy~ One thing I do when dealing with others is to expect them to do what they have always done, and don’t think exceptions are a change in behavior. I would probably call him and see how things go from there, but the ball would be in his court to call and visit. I would just see how that goes for a while.

I would try to get to know him as an adult and learn about his family, dreams, goals and all that other stuff, but again I would not have my hopes all high.

Lady J-Streaming Live Now-Cool, Calm & Collected! LOL

June 17th, 2010
11:40 am

great assessment professor!

JtJ

June 17th, 2010
11:42 am

@ DK…They call him Mr. JT and his daughter calls me Ms. J. (not in a formal way, but just because I don’t believe kids should call adults by their first name). It is actually funny cause 5 of us all have names that begin with “J” and 2 have names that begin with “T”. JT and my youngest son, have the same nicknames “JJ” so it gets kind of confusing when just about everyone answers when they hear “J-something…lol

Sassy Me...Misty Lady:-)

June 17th, 2010
11:44 am

I would try to get to know him as an adult and learn about his family, dreams, goals and all that other stuff, but again I would not have my hopes all high.

Professor my parents were married and are now divorced…he reached out to my mom b/c we(my siblings and I) really didn’t deal with him much and he knows that she could be a possible “go between”…and as for his family(especially his mom), they’ve never liked us so there’s not much to learn there. I fell like ??????????? and I don’t like it. :-(

Professor

June 17th, 2010
11:44 am

This excerpt from Roots/The Color Purple is getting old every Father’s Day

Sassy Me...Misty Lady:-)

June 17th, 2010
11:44 am

should’ve been “feel like”….

JtJ

June 17th, 2010
11:45 am

@ Sassy…my dad has tried to mend hsi relationship with my siblings, too by promising family trips and saying he was going to start doing this and that…I just don’t get my hopes up and just allow him to do what he can without passing judgement. If he is willing to try, it won’t hurt to let him.

AmazonRed™ - We will be victorious. Go Lakers!

June 17th, 2010
11:46 am

Wanting to meet my kid prematurely just got the last babe cut off..

Wanting to and getting to are two different things. Was she popping up trying to catch you with the kid or was she just suggesting a meeting?

Professor

June 17th, 2010
11:47 am

Sassy I should have clarified my post. I was thinking medical issues and things of that nature. How many times we go to the doctor and they ask about our history? Whether they like you are not you need to know if they have HBP, diabetes etc.

You know I am all misty and soft when it comes to fathers and daughters, so I am just hoping you all can at least be friends and share a few good memories. :grin:

JtJ

June 17th, 2010
11:47 am

@ DJ Sniper…your little girl is a miracle and don’t ever forget it. It is amazing how preemie’s fight so hard and beat all odds. My nephew was 2lbs when he was born and he went through alot. He is now 15, happy and strong!

mqew

June 17th, 2010
11:50 am

Kym- you seriously have me dying over here. I can picture it all :lol: The last time I saw my dad I had to just smile cause he smelled like a straight old man.

DK- HA! Po lil Flip Flop girl. :lol:

Kimmie – I’m betting Melo aint half as crazy as half his posts…

Melo – I’m sure you’re a great Dad! :-)

JtJ

June 17th, 2010
11:51 am

@ Sexycool–very interesting story about your father. I am sure a lot or people can relate.

anonymousella

June 17th, 2010
11:51 am

“I have seen a lot of women blow their chances with single Dads because they start off being so pushy about quality time.”

*snort* i have to laugh here. i had this EXACT conversation with my ex. what you call ‘blowing their chance,’ i call ‘being freed from playing the #2 position until his kids are grown.’

“rewarding?” sure … in the same way people try to convince you climbing mountains or running marathons are. it could be afterward, but do i really want to go through all that to find out?

AmazonRed™ - We will be victorious. Go Lakers!

June 17th, 2010
11:53 am

For some reason this time mommy said he sounds different this time…but I don’t know what to do.

Sassy – It’s really not your mom’s call it’s yours. If you are curious, you should find out for yourself. Just make sure you set clear boundaries from the beginning such as topics that are off limits to talk about. In addition, make sure it’s clear that it’s a trial and not an open door. You’ll reassess after you’ve met and had time to digest everything.

Professor

June 17th, 2010
11:53 am

Thanks Lady J!

Sassy Me...Misty Lady:-)

June 17th, 2010
11:55 am

Okay I see where you’re coming from on the health issues aspect Professor and I totally agree. Luckily I know that there’s sickle cell disease on his side..I have the trait so that mean if I have kids with someone else with the trait they would have full blown sickle cell disease. He’s called us a few times and we’ve had a few light convos and I’m going to leave it at that and see where it goes. However for the first time in almost 20 years…I sent him a Father’s Day card.

For Real

June 17th, 2010
11:55 am

abc: Men do not expect anything on Father’s Day because we have been conditioned since childhood not to expect anything and to appreciate whatever is given. It ain’t right but it’s what it is.

Sassy: “Honestly..really and truly what do you(blog men and women) think about this? I feel conflicted” – Approached your father as an adult and let those childhood feelings/disappointments go (Not easy i know) but necessary. Making it clear that he has to earn your respect and that you will earn his. No discount points for being your father and no discount points for you being his daughter. In other words “Hello I Sassy your adult daughter.” Then be prepared for reality.

anonymousella

June 17th, 2010
11:56 am

@lurker sista girl got a job where they ACTUALLY want me to do work … *hmph*

AmazonRed™ - We will be victorious. Go Lakers!

June 17th, 2010
11:56 am

what you call ‘blowing their chance,’ i call ‘being freed from playing the #2 position until his kids are grown.’

:lol: Damn. But I feel you.

Both of my sisters are married. They both married men who have daughters. They are happy. They love their hubbys and stepdaughters. But being a step parent is HARD and is a strain on their marriage which is already hard enough. They make it work, but they’ve both told me that folks who don’t have to deal with such a dynamic are very lucky.

Professor

June 17th, 2010
11:57 am

Sassy you reached out to him with the card. IMO the next move is on him.

DJ Sniper

June 17th, 2010
12:01 pm

JtJ, the doctor told us that black girls have the highest survival rate for preemies. She was 1 lb, 10 oz at birth. Today she’s 12 lbs, 6 oz and perfectly healthy:)

For Real

June 17th, 2010
12:02 pm

“what you call ‘blowing their chance,’ i call ‘being freed from playing the #2 position until his kids are grown.’” – As long as a dude or chick has kids everyone else in their life will be second position until the grandkids come.

Sassy Me...Misty Lady:-)

June 17th, 2010
12:04 pm

Amazon….pump the brakes…k?

My dad reached out to my mom b/c he didn’t know how to contact us(sad but true) and she did. He didn’t know how to approach us(me mostly b/c of my open hostility) and needed her help with that. He also reached out to her b/c he had amends/apologies to make to her as well.

Also my mom is going through the same thing with her dad as well. He’s been largely absent from her life but has come to an epiphany as well and has been making strides to mend their relationship and he’s 81. So since we’re in parallel situations naturallly I’d want her input/thoughts.

Just make sure you set clear boundaries from the beginning such as topics that are off limits to talk about.

We have….and as long as we don’t talk about his mom(who he’s allowed to sht on his wife and children)…we might do okay. It all remains to be seen.