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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Dating: Where is the love?

First things first, I want to say hello to Bert Weiss from Q100’s The Bert Show! Hi Bert! We were both at the The Gold Room last night for JEZEBEL’s Most Eligible Atlantans Party.  He spoke briefly about Bert’s Big Adventure and I made my way over to meet him and tell him about our blog. He said he would check the blog out. Cool! Ok my fangirl moment ends here.

I will have share more details (pictures, interviews etc.) next week but suffice it to say I had a lovely evening.  A lot of really cool things happened last night so I can’t wait to tell you all about it

I’m super excited to see Maxwell and Jill Scott perform this weekend. No way would I miss that event!  There is one song I hope Maxwell sings, Fistful of Tears. We gon’ fight the war, we gon’ fight our fears.  The song actually  reminds so much of when I was in a relationship but felt the most alone I’ve ever felt in my life.

I wasn’t a needy chick but there were moments when I needed to be held and reassured.   Isn’t that what boyfriends are for? He said he didn’t handle stress well and didn’t know what to do or say when I cried,  so he left. Like literally bailed! Exited stage left.  Who does that?! I’ll tell you who: Strollers.

Strollers are people in your life who bail on you in tough times. They see you in a heaping mess on the floor of life and they stroll on by. I heard this term on NPR radio once when they reviewed a book that described these kind of people as strollers.  I thought it was spot on.  My ex-boyfriend was definitely a stroller, an unapologetic one at that! I guess some people just aren’t built Ford tough and can’t take the bumpy rides.

What happens when you are dating someone and you are not able to show and prove you can be there for them?

What would you do if you were really into someone and you discover that they are completely unreliable in a crisis or time of need?  Is that a deal breaker?

Is it really difficult to show some love and support to someone you are dating and claim to care about?

How do you know if your emotional needs (yes men, you included) are a problem in your dating relationships?

Is it true that men don’t like “overly” emotional women?  I need answers people. I don’t want to end up with another stroller! How do you spot them?

377 comments Add your comment

Kroger

June 11th, 2010
7:26 am

I cannot stand overly emotional women and yes I will bail out. The most I will give is a big big hug but if u keep on crying I will run like Forest Gump and never to look back.

It’s normal to go through emotions and time will heal all wounds!

czBrat

June 11th, 2010
7:43 am

GM All!

What would you do if you were really into someone and you discover that they are completely unreliable in a crisis or time of need? let em go Is that a deal breaker? YES

Is it really difficult to show some love and support to someone you are dating and claim to care about? not if you truly care about them. duh.

How do you know if your emotional needs (yes men, you included) are a problem in your dating relationships? they go casper on you

Is it true that men don’t like “overly” emotional women? I need answers people. I don’t want to end up with another stroller! How do you spot them? perhaps it’s a recurring theme with me, but i would first look at myself and my desperate emotional suction hold that i place on people. if you can be relatively certain that you’re not “overly” emotional, THEN you can start questioning your choice in men. if you’re going for the strong, silent type, maybe they’re TOO strong and silent to the point of being stoic. start looking for someone more open to a range of emotions from sorrow to empathy to laughter, even anger. that should be a pretty good indication that they can handle an emotional you. just imo

whew! done!

Jeff

June 11th, 2010
7:54 am

If that is what you need, you keep moving past the strollers until you find someone that meets that need. If you never meet that person, maybe you were the one with the problem no-one wanted to live with for the rest of their life. Sad and kinda mean, but true nonetheless. Only true self-analization can answer that question. Until we are able to accept our role in the problems in our relationships, we will never truly move forward and grow to have better relationships.

PrincessNik

June 11th, 2010
8:13 am

What would you do if you were really into someone and you discover that they are completely unreliable in a crisis or time of need?

Let it go. And yes that is a deal breaker.

Is it really difficult to show some love and support to someone you are dating and claim to care about?

In my opinon, if you are really into someone it should not be hard at all to show Love (care) and support or if nothing else genuine concern.

Dan - back in touch

June 11th, 2010
8:14 am

Good morning,

A couple of things…

Men are, by nature, solutions oriented. We deal with the problem at hand and the emotions (hopefully) later; it’s our eveolutionary response to fight or flight. In the same breath, when your lady is crying or having a problem that you can’t handle, that’s a helpless feeling. You don’t know who/what to hit, handle, or harass, so you have to stand there and take “it”. And, in those moments, if you truly care for her you do.

But then, those moments should be few and far between. As stated here numerous times, men do not emote like women. We are not trained nor skilled in the art of comforting. Thus, for us to do so should be a rare necessity, not a frequent occurence.

An overly emotional chick may seem like she gets comfort, but what she really gets is placation, and then left. Unless a dude is “sensitive” he can’t be there for you every time you get emotional. But when it’s big, when it’s important, his character should be such that he knows and performs his duty, despite his emotions.

czBrat

June 11th, 2010
8:21 am

luv it Dan! perfect explanation of exactly how, why and where a man stands throughout a woman’s (occasional) meltdown.

and don’t think we are not eternally grateful for those of you who come through in our time of need … because we are!

Kym-Big Baabbbby!!

June 11th, 2010
8:22 am

Good Morning All,

What would you do if you were really into someone and you discover that they are completely unreliable in a crisis or time of need? Is that a deal breaker? Yepppppp Shows over, Curtain Call, That’s a wrap.

First off I will admit I am emotional, high strung, dramatic at times even..(I’m a Cancer its what we do!) But I am also highly self-reliant. If I call you and say I need you, then you best believe something is wrong. I am more the type to deal with the drama in life head on..but look to the fellow in my life as a comforter and sounding board. Real emergencies are few for me so if I sound the alarm..turn on the blue lights and get over here.

For example..last night I had to call my daddy..because the garage door got off track..and one of the cables broke..I was fit to be tied because I had no clue how to get the thing back down. the boy and I were out there pulling..pushing..sweating and breaking fingernails trying to get the door down. ..finally..enter “the Daddy”..who when he gets there jiggles something this way..a few pulls pushes..bangs with the hammer and we get the door down..I apologized for bugging him and he simply says..this was an emergency and “Baby, this is what Daddies are for.” Yep I cried.

Miss Moni

June 11th, 2010
8:24 am

Good Morning Blog Fam! :-D

What would you do if you were really into someone and you discover that they are completely unreliable in a crisis or time of need?
After discussing this issue with them and they are still UNWILLING to at least TRY to be there for me in time of need, it’s time to GO. If a person really does care about you then they WANT to be there for you whether they can FIX the problem or not. Personally, I KNOW that a SO can’t FIX everything. I just want him to be there and in the words of Method Man “rub me on my back & say baby it’ll be ok”. . .

Is that a deal breaker?
YES it is.

Miss Moni

June 11th, 2010
8:28 am

@ Dan: “But when it’s big, when it’s important, his character should be such that he knows and performs his duty, despite his emotions.”

I couldn’t agree MORE.

PrincessNik

June 11th, 2010
8:30 am

But I am also highly self-reliant. If I call you and say I need you, then you best believe something is wrong. I am more the type to deal with the drama in life head on..but look to the fellow in my life as a comforter and sounding board. Real emergencies are few for me so if I sound the alarm..turn on the blue lights and get over here.

@ Kym, me too!

If a person really does care about you then they WANT to be there for you whether they can FIX the problem or not. ………..“rub me on my back & say baby it’ll be ok”. . .

@ Miss Moni ^5 to that

CMS

June 11th, 2010
8:34 am

What’s this all about?

There are plenty of women who spend a significant amount of time with “strollers” often to their own detriment. You know like when the stroller gets you pregnant and you hold out hope that he’s gonna actually give a damn and be a active parent. Some don’t lose hope until the baby is about three yrs old…or until he gets another woman pregnant.

Miss Moni

June 11th, 2010
8:36 am

@ PrincessNik: ^5 back at you. Ditto what your comment regarding being highly self-reliant. . .

Leggs

June 11th, 2010
8:59 am

Good morning!

Nice post, Dan the Man!

I learned long ago that pride is a beautiful thing to have, but very detrimental when you let it stop you from asking for assistance in any given area. I am very self-reliant, but when I ask for assistance, you best believe it’s because I couldn’t handle it on my own and, if you’re my partner, I expect you to step up to the plate.

Strollers….hmmmm, very interesting concept and one I never heard of. Nonetheless, yes, definitely grounds to get to stepping if I couldn’t count on you in a crisis or you’re never there in my time of need. Make room for me, and I’ll make room for you.

Just Slim

June 11th, 2010
9:00 am

Morning yall and THANK GOD, GOODNESS, LAWD HAVE MERCY that it’s finally Friday.

Dan – Great post and well read! :-D

I am Rell Bench

June 11th, 2010
9:01 am

where the benchs?

free to be (F2B)

June 11th, 2010
9:01 am

If you are dating someone and you/they are not able to show support. You really don’t have a relationship at all.

It is a deal breaker if one can not be there for me in my time of need.

If it’s difficult to show love and support…then it’s not time to be in a relationship. Take a step back til you’re able to show the compassion you desire.

If the communication isn’t good and you are feeling like you’re alone even though you’re together w/someone, there are probably some problems addressing emotional needs in the relationship.

Hope everyone’s day is off to a great start!:)

MASON

June 11th, 2010
9:09 am

No comment. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Miss Moni

June 11th, 2010
9:09 am

@ Leggs: I had never heard of that term either prior to this morning. Glad to know I’m not the only one.

@ F2B: Addressing emotional needs. . . something often overlooked until a BIG BLOWUP happens.

PrincessNik

June 11th, 2010
9:11 am

Make room for me, and I’ll make room for you.

Leggs, that is a great comment

Luvbug

June 11th, 2010
9:11 am

Stroller your say?! I’m not completely sure of the definition, but if it means always being available when someone is crying or in a crisis, I maaay dabble in strolling. Similar to my reaction of hearing story after story (yesterday) of adult buffoonery in relationships, a behavior that seems to not only be increasing but becoming the norm, I can only handle so much before I steam and whistle.

I am available to friends and partners, but if you’re always crying and carrying on, I’ve been known to get ghost or skip subject. With the exception of children, I wouldn’t rate high on the nurturing scale…Depending on how it’s measured, I wouldn’t rate low (in most cases) either.

I’m just not the hugging, smoochie-whoochie kind. I usually listen and/or give you a little space. I guess it’s a family tradition. One question I often heard growing up during my moments of crisis was, “So what’s the plan?”

I guess I could be more nurturing. That will take years to develop.

free to be (F2B)

June 11th, 2010
9:14 am

@MissMoni…so true! when you think about it, emotional needs are good to be observed in the beginning and talked about in a calm fashion. it’s a shame that it usually isn’t discussed until someone’s feelings are hurt.

Miss Moni

June 11th, 2010
9:16 am

@ F2B: A SHAME indeed! Then both parties want to call the other CRAZY & run off a laundry list of what makes them crazy. I always say to both parties, those traits were ALWAYS there, but YOU chose to OVERLOOK them. SMH!!!

PrincessNik

June 11th, 2010
9:18 am

I always say to both parties, those traits were ALWAYS there, but YOU chose to OVERLOOK them.

@ Miss Moni that is the truth all day every day LOL

Miss Moni

June 11th, 2010
9:20 am

@ PrincessNik: LOL, I’m just saying. . .

Dan - back in touch

June 11th, 2010
9:22 am

@Moni

Men aren’t complicated and neither are women. Get to know a man (that man) and he becomes easier to deal with, same with a woman (that woman).

Luvbug

June 11th, 2010
9:22 am

In the first sentence, I meant…If that means NOT always being available when someone is crying or in a crisis, I maaay dabble in strolling.

free to be (F2B)

June 11th, 2010
9:23 am

@MissMoni…choices are very important. good point. wearing rose colored glasses does have it’s disadvantages. as we gain more experience we can blend optimism and wisdom in a healthy way. it’s good to see the good in people however, it’s also necessary to use wisdom when warning signs occur.

PrincessNik

June 11th, 2010
9:26 am

Miss Moni,

I know! The other week i was having a conversation with this guy i know and basically what he said was too many people want to give something a chance when they know very soon into the getting to know process if something is going to work or not. They don’t follow their gut instinct. So for the sake of having someone, or thinking they can change a person they will overlook a lot of things and in the end when it doesn’t work out(like they already knew it wouldn’t) then the other person is the blame. When YOU knew that person wasn’t giving you what you needed/wanted from jump.

Leggs

June 11th, 2010
9:28 am

LOL @ you Luvbug ~ I was about tell you you got the meaning wrong.

Wearing those rose colored glasses usually have you winding up with a lump on your head cuz you keep walking into things!!! TAKE THEM OFF AND SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE!

Miss Moni

June 11th, 2010
9:30 am

@ Dan: I totally agree. It seems that the ART of COMMUNICATION is being lost with this NEW AGE TECHNOLOGY. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with texting & chatting, but there’s NOTHING like actually having a PHONE or FACE to FACE conversation with a person during the Getting to Know You Process.

@ F2B: Exactly! I’m a true OPTIMIST at heart, however, experience has taught me to keep my eyes open and look at the COMPLETE picture, not just the focal point.

@ PrincessNik: The GUT INSTINCT is mostly 95% RIGHT. :-D

Mrs. Tazzee the Newlywed

June 11th, 2010
9:32 am

Morning Folks!

Dan Hey Man! I love your comment. I’ve found that to be true in relationships for an emotionally free woman like me, it can sometimes cause problems.

Kym If I wasn’t at work, I’d be crying just reading your post. The thing I loved most about the movie Just Wright was the relationship between Queen and her dad in the movie.

If I find that I can’t meet the needs of my mate then I have no business being in a relationship with that person. Similarly, if he can’t be compassionate when needed then that is a definite deal breaker.

My husband *I LOVE saying that* can’t STAND to see me cry. That is a problem because I cry freely when it comes. He was watching the Private Practice season finale with me and almost lost it when I started crying. I couldn’t really cry like I wanted to and ever since then emotions have been building. Well last night the dam broke. He thought I was crying because he had to spank the puppy, but that wasn’t it – I was crying because I needed to cry. But he just couldn’t let me have my moment. I didn’t need a hug or anything, I just needed to get it all out. That’s something we have to work on I guess.

czBrat

June 11th, 2010
9:32 am

Dan, i’m trying to be a fan of yours … don’t muck it up.
women ARE complicated because we change when the wind blows (for no reason whatsoever), and change back when we’re good and ready (without explanation). that’s an intrinsic hazard of being soft and warm.
i’m kidding, of course!

Dan - back in touch

June 11th, 2010
9:34 am

@Moni

Like most arts, training and dedication is needed to master the craft.

PrincessNik

June 11th, 2010
9:37 am

emotionally free woman

I find myself to be just the opposite, I can’t stand the thought of someone seeing me cry or being extremely upset. But I am also the type to cry if you make me made enough and its not good for whomever is involved. My ex’s all knew if i was brought to tears and actually let them see them fall something was truely up and/or I had reached my (extremely high) breaking point

PrincessNik

June 11th, 2010
9:37 am

oops

make me mad enough

JtJ

June 11th, 2010
9:40 am

Everyone grown person should know how to handle a time of crisis even if it just being there and listening and offering kind words. Part of loving and caring for a person involves being there for them emotionally and allowing yourself to provide comfort in any way that you can, when you can.

Some people can be overly-emotional to the point that things are elevated to a level where it really isn’t THAT serious and just need to be thought about with a clear mind and some practical solutions. I am not an overly-emotional person, but when something is wrong, sometimes a kind word or a hug is all I need to let me know that you care about what I am going through. Now if the situation calls for immediate action, I would expect my S/O to be ready to jump in and help as long as it doesn’t cause any hiccups on his ends. ( That one time when I was pregnant and he burned my waffles and I cried like a baby- that don’t count- it was the hormones…lol)

I was watching “The Best Man” last night and Shelby’s character was a prime example of an overly-emotional woman!!! She whined and manipulated that man right of a relationship with her!!

@ Wise Diva- The title “Where is the Love” made me smile, because that was the last video I saw last night before closing my eyes ( Jesse Powell & Trina from the Dead President’s Soundtrack) :)

Leggs

June 11th, 2010
9:43 am

“I would expect my S/O to be ready to jump in and help as long as it doesn’t cause any hiccups on his ends”

Sometimes, in order for a partner to help, hiccups on their end more than likely will occur. In that instance, their assistance is even more valuable!

Kym-Big Baabbbby!!

June 11th, 2010
9:45 am

@Tazzee Girl I cry about everything now..I swear this is early menopause..I don’t think I have shed so many tears in my life!!

Me and Daddy have had our moments..but these pass few months he has been Super-Daddy!! LOL..I didn’t cry in front of him..but once the house settle down and I got in bed I cried about the stupid door and having to buy and new one and then I cried because in in the midst of this “crisis” I had Daddy right there ready to drive over and fix the issue. Plus he inspected my new table and looked at the sofa where it was broken.

Miss Moni

June 11th, 2010
9:46 am

@ Dan: So TRUE. Communication is something that can be built upon. Lay a solid foundation and go from there. I’m not so sure that some ppl WANT to MASTER the CRAFT. . .

@ Mrs. Tazzee: Crying is HEALTHY and truly an emotional release. Big ups to knowing WHEN you need to get it all out. It WILL work out!

M. (pronouced M dot)

June 11th, 2010
9:46 am

Friday…

I have dated needy women and its not the business. I understand being there for them, but you dont have to be an emotional punching bag or a recycling center for them where they just drop everything in their life thats wrong on you or take their problems out on you or get an attitude. Men really dont like overly emotional women, but women that dont really crack under pressure.

Also, this is exactly my argument for why rejection for guys is never a bad thing. When a guy is rejected, this could be good because when you meet a woman,
you dont know what is going on in her life, what kind of storm she is in, and what you are walking into. Therefore, if she rejects you, be glad and brush it off because you dont know what you just dodged.

I spot a stroller by someone who is casual towards you. They only call or hang out when they need something or when something is at their advantage.

Raqi

June 11th, 2010
9:48 am

Unless a dude is “sensitive” he can’t be there for you every time you get emotional.

Dan, that’s why we have bff/girlfriends. And then sometimes you have to take to a private place and cry alone.

However there is a sense of security that most women need to feel and we are programmed to seek that security from the men in our lives. And it’s not that we want you to solve the issue all the time it’s just that we need your security and reassurance every now and then. Not all time just sometimes. If you guys can’t be there for us when we really need you what good are you to us?

Some people hate to use the word NEED when talking about the opposite sex but the truth is we do need each other. We were made for each other being given a need and inner longing to connect with each other. If we can be there for each other then why bother wasting each other’s time.

PrincessNik

June 11th, 2010
9:49 am

@ Kym

now, you got my eyes misting LOL, you are lucky to have your dad around as you ease into home ownership. I miss my dad so much, I know a lot of stuff I wouldn’t even have to worry about if he was still here. My mom is great for “problem solving” but she not about to come cut the grass, or fix something LOL.

JtJ

June 11th, 2010
9:50 am

Hey Leggs…yeah, I should have said major hiccups, I was thinking more on the lines of something that may cause him to have problems as a result of me..i.e missing work and getting in trouble, not being able to handle an existing obligation,etc.

Kym-Big Baabbbby!!

June 11th, 2010
9:51 am

Off-Topic totally..I know nothing about soccer..but I plan to watch the World Cup matches..cause just like the Olympics..summer and winter..I appreciate any world sporting events that for one brief moment in time..the people on our planet take a pause to stop fighting and actually come together as one..witht that said..USA!! USA!! USA!!

Leggs

June 11th, 2010
9:52 am

I gotcha, JtJ!

I cry over the silliest of things, commericals, sentimental cards, lil leggs happy over something, etc. However, the hard knocks of life usually make me stand defiantly trying to kick butt to resolve the issue.

Leggs

June 11th, 2010
9:54 am

@Kym ~ that entire post made me think of Montel Jordan’s song, This is How We Do It. All the gangbangers forgot about the driveby….

Kym-Big Baabbbby!!

June 11th, 2010
9:56 am

@Princess…awwww..Daddies do Rock!!

Dan - back in touch

June 11th, 2010
9:57 am

@Raqi

That’s kind of my point. Hearing the word “need” from someone I care about sets of a checmical reaction (adrenaline) that say “do something”.

So, I listen for the overuse of that word. You don’t really “need” me to change a lightbulb, listen to your every day work problems, or talk about every emotion.

You “need” me when you need comfort from something truly bad. You need me to be there for you when few others are.

To me, all that other overly emotional stuff is a “want”.

Kym-Big Baabbbby!!

June 11th, 2010
9:59 am

@Leggs..LOLOL I love world sporting events..I swear wars and other world issues could all be solved if we let the jokers just dual it out on the bball court or soccer pitch(I think that’s right) Can’t agree..bring your A game to the soccer pitch..sucker..winner takes all..The Swiss could ref the games. LMAO!!

Chink

June 11th, 2010
10:00 am

I don’t consider myself needy …I have lived alone too long for that. So when I come to you for help its real and if you don’t respond I start losing my attraction to you.

CMS – How do you have a baby and not want to be an active parent??? That just boggles me to no end.