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The truth about dating preferences

We all have our wish list of things we would like to see in a date.  We may not list them all on paper but there are unspoken things that we think about all the time.  When we meet someone who appears to have the majority of these qualities, we get excited.  Now the questions are: is that what you truly wanted?  Are you really into him or her or is it the image of them that gets your blood pumping?

I really think this is a common issue that plagues singles, including me.  It is so easy to get caught up in each others’ representative and outer shell because that is what we are projecting and revealing to people we meet and date.  A lot of men complain to me that their woman changed after they got in an exclusive relationship.  I think it is more about her feeling comfortable enough to show the real parts of her then changing to a different person.  Men do the same thing too.

When it is so easy to get caught up in image, how do you think our dating preferences hinder our chances of building relationships? What happens when you are in to the person because they meet your list of dating preferences and then their real personality shows up?  From your experiences, were you still interested in them or was it just the image of them?

I think the same question can be asked about love and marriage.  Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it?  Discuss.

221 comments Add your comment

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
8:27 am

Good Morning!!! ;)

This is a great self awareness topic!!!! :)

Be right back shortly!!!!

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
8:55 am

GM All!

i’m confused. are we talking about seeing a different side of someone early on in the getting-to-know-you process or after things have become “exclusive”? if it’s early on, it should be fairly easy to say your good-byes and well wishes; if it happens later, i’d say what you do depends on what you want from the relationship.

it’s to be expected that the longer you’re with someone the more situations will arise where you get to see other aspects of who they are. communication and adjustment should get you through.

if you find that the person is simply NOT what you expected (or if your true self starts making unscheduled appearances :lol: ), then it’s clearly time to stop playing games before someone gets hurt.

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
8:56 am

When it is so easy to get caught up in image, how do you think our dating preferences hinder our chances of building relationships? My preference does hinder my dating experiences. I am looking for this white collar, balanced, well rounded beyond education who leaves work @ work, with major social skills in group settings and alone, integrity, and so on……What I fall short of is who they truly are their REAL and I mean REAL personality that goes beyond the resume type order I listed above…..You come to find out that some are more damn moody than a woman (won’t use emotional as they claim we are), scheming for no damn reason (just the games one plays to see how far they can get without putting the work or time in), after the fact they will freely tell you want they want which is funny bc you would think that same adult would converse that in the first encounter, and the list goes on…..I do assume a certain man should act a certain way especially by a certain age and it is a fault I am working on bc the end results are disappointing when I put so much stock into qualities that don’t meant jack when the basics are compromised IMO…..
What happens when you are in to the person because they meet your list of dating preferences and then their real personality shows up? The disappearing acts follows on both ends…yeah I am guilty of it too…it happens to the best of us go figure! LOL
From your experiences, were you still interested in them or was it just the image of them? Not interested so much but curious as to “WHY”…..as some know I like to ask many questions and the new profession I am entering is a questions based profession so I want to dig below the surface and figure out the brain but you know that is far fetched and cool but it leaves many ??????? behind….my point is who has time or energy to be fake after a certain point in your life…..
I think the same question can be asked about love and marriage. Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it? Yes I really want love and commitment and lately all I have is the idea and as one pointed out the songs to back it up and it is all good! LOL!!!! A quick fix will never work with love and commitment and loving for the moment is #dead…..so I am in the valley chillin’ and taking notes and coming across some interesting characters in the meantime which is teaching me more about me…..An emotional rollercoaster indeed!

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
8:57 am

worth repeating czBrat and good morning to ya!!!!!

if you find that the person is simply NOT what you expected (or if your true self starts making unscheduled appearances ), then it’s clearly time to stop playing games before someone gets hurt.

Kevin O

June 10th, 2010
9:03 am

“I am in the valley chillin’ and taking notes and coming across some interesting characters in the meantime which is teaching me more about me…..An emotional rollercoaster indeed!”

Finding true love isn’t about one’s self. True love rather is selfless. However, until you know who you completely are, you can’t give yourself to someone.

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
9:04 am

~Love and doubt have never been on speaking terms~

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
9:05 am

You are right Kevin that is why I am in the valley with ME so again I do now it is not my time as I so want it to be! Self awareness is key and I don’t mind being true about me! good assessment sir! :)

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
9:07 am

~The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose~

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
9:18 am

Good morning,

One mo’ dayum day till the weekend. Will check back in a few….

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
9:20 am

Things start to get more real after that first loud fart is let go in the presence of the other person. Believe dat! ;-)

Carry

June 10th, 2010
9:21 am

@Kevin O- There is something about the Valley that has so much value- I met my SO when I was in a Valley. I was a mess, not ready for a relationship at all, but I was also exposed, i was such a mess that there was no representative to send! He saw my need as a friend and gave me the space I need to gather my fragments. No, we did not start a relationship right away, but he got to know the real me- I couldn’t hide it. He waited for me because in all that he knew, he knew my heart. I guess the lesson here for me was in the fragility of my life, I was able to be more myself than at any other time.

UberFanGirl

June 10th, 2010
9:29 am

You pose some interesting questions!

As someone who was (until relatively recently) single for a few years, I definitely put a lot of time into considering what I wanted from a significant other. Before my self-inforced relationship hiatus, I was suffering from revolving door syndrom, and it was totally down to getting myself involved with people because I liked the idea of being in a relationship. Once I recognized that, I decided to get comfortable with being single, and then I started to love it! Approaching 30, I decided I was only going to go in for an exclusive, serious thing if it was with someone I was very compatible with and excited about because of THEM, not because of the prospect of being a couple.

After a while, I met someone that just knocked my socks right off, and he continues to do so on a daily basis.

That said, I think once you find someone you can really connect with and who doesn’t make you want to scream on a regular basis, it is worth putting a bit of effort in to make sure those differences you do have at times don’t ruin the amazing thing you have the rest of the time. As you get to know someone fully, you might have to compromise on the little things (like enduring 30 days of World Cup soccer) in order to have and enjoy the bigger picture (curling partner for life!)

Thanks for the great read :)

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
9:35 am

Good Morning All,

I am only going to deal with the whole relationship want or dont want question..the other question is a bit too deep for me this early in the morning.

One of the reason for my committment phobia is I am not really sure if I want it just to say I have it or because I want all that a committed relationship has to offer. In other words, Am I ready to give up me to share my life, family, space, with a man for the rest of my life? Did I mention space? I think that is an important question to ask yourself. Now some would say you are not giving up you..you are adding to you..well I don’t see it that way. For a relationship to work…there has to be some mutual give and take..while I maybe willing to give..if I am giving 100% and ole dude is only at 99.5% well..that just won’t do!
I would also say if I am not feeling it 100% then that’s a wrap..why waste his time and mine?

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
9:52 am

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly; “Tis dearness only that gives everything its value.”

Chink

June 10th, 2010
9:53 am

Morning

What happens when you are in to the person because they meet your list of dating preferences and then their real personality shows up?

I don’t mind the real person showing up …what I don’t like is the inconsistencies. Yes I expect to see some changes as time progresses but I can’t deal with is daily changes where the person almost becomes impossible to decipher.

Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it?

I don’t know ..good question. I think more than anything I want someone I can respect and admire.

Run4Life

June 10th, 2010
9:58 am

Ladies, your dating woes sound so familiar. I am definitely in the valley; however, I have been taking the wrong path. I have dated good, sound, boring guys just to have someone to hang out with and to make me feel pretty. And also dated bad boys. The good guys could add stability to my life (not because of their finances but just to have someone to bounce life issues), but I just don’t get excited about them. When I meet guys whom I’m excited about, they are just not ready to commit to anyone. They are just having fun (aka bad boy). So I quickly let that go because I know in the long run I will be the one with my heart out there. Perhaps I do need time alone, but GOOOSH that is so lonely. Especially now when the kid is away for the summer, and I can have some fun.

Randyt (tomorrow Rome, next weekend ATL for awhile)

June 10th, 2010
10:02 am

Hello All,

I want to chime in on my experiences (not stories today so you are lucky).

1) I rule women out based on appearance first (ashamed to admit I am this shallow), however I KNOW I am attracted to the the light makeup, girl next door, fresh faced, minimal makeup type. I KNOW I am turned off by the size 14, the Glamour Shots type, or anyone who is afrqaid to get her hair and lipstick mussed.

2) does the lady have a heart. I don’t need or want an “attitude” type, I want someone who is gracious and courteous when she does not HAVE to be. Unfortuanately this takes awhile to determine. Looks are an easy shecklist, heart is much harder to discern.

3) I don’t want either a lady who thinks she is boss, nor do I want a clinging vine.

Simply, just want the perfect woman…and taking applications.

Re: commitment. I am not afraid of commitment at all, but I am scared to death of marriage (or maybe marrying the wrong person again) so it is somewhat a matter of degree.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
10:02 am

Good morning. Everyone is making great points.

My internal list is my gut instinct. Behind what’s seen on the surface, I need to feel secure with you in public as well as one on one. I need to respect you and see that you respect me. As time goes by, I expect the real person to surface, but I don’t expect that person to be too much different than the one I met for the very first time!!!

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
10:04 am

I am not really sure if I want it just to say I have it or because I want all that a committed relationship has to offer. In other words, Am I ready to give up me to share my life, family, space, with a man for the rest of my life?

great post Kym. i’ve never been one to get involved with a man just to say i have a man. having a mutually fulfilling relationship is key! i am constantly aware of the work you must put into a relationship to make is seem so effortless. the fact that you’re aware of the difference shows true maturity.

and for those who were talking about a braves game a while back:
http://www.travelzoo.com/entertainment/more/828777/?utm_source=top20_us&utm_medium=email_top20

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:05 am

Good Morning Blog Fam!!! :-D

@ czBrat: I’m with you on cutting your losses early on in the relationship. There’s no need to hold on to someone not worth holding on to.

@ Lady J: Your 8:56 is dead on!!!

When it is so easy to get caught up in image, how do you think our dating preferences hinder our chances of building relationships?

Dating preferences change as the individual changes. When you have UNREALISTIC preferences you will build an UNREALISTIC relationship. When the TRUE person shows up it is up to you to make a REALISTIC DECISION on whether or not you are going to stay in the relationship. Everyone has their LIMIT of what they will & will NOT deal with, so if you are willing to go against COMMON SENSE & WISDOM and stay with the REPRESENTATIVE, go ahead & let me know how that works out for you. . .

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:08 am

Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it?

I really want the LOVE & COMMITMENT. I see too many ppl with just the IDEA of it and while it LOOKS good for awhile, sooner or later all hell breaks loose and it’s NOT a pretty.

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
10:09 am

I am not afraid of commitment at all, but I am scared to death of marriage (or maybe marrying the wrong person again) so it is somewhat a matter of degree.

well said Randyt. and i think your “want” list is very reasonable. :)

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
10:10 am

Run4Life, do yourself a huge favor and spend time enjoying YOU.

Wise Diva

June 10th, 2010
10:12 am

Good morning lovelies!

hey Lady J! *waves* I guess it is a self-awareness topic, LOL no fun right!?

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:14 am

@ Leggs: I am so vibing with your 10:02. There’s nothing like that SECURE feeling. . .

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
10:14 am

Thanks Ms Moni!!!!

Waving back Wise Diva!!!! Most don’t like dealing with self…telling others about their selves is easier and distracts them from their flaws….it is what it is! LOL

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
10:14 am

Morning People!

Everyone is making some good points. I am trying to get over some leftover road rage because my commute was ridiculous this morning. All this is a little deep for me to comment on right now. I’ll catch up later.

Oh, belt test went great last night! The black belt is getting closer!

Carry

June 10th, 2010
10:16 am

@Randy ~ Wow your #1 was part of my representative, thinking I had to be glamed up all the time. That was one of the things about myself that I have worked on. don’t get me wrong, I can do heels hair and make up with the best of them, but my SO got to know me without the bells and whistles…that was refreshing for me.

I guess I say to say ~ just because you meet a woman that way – don’t assume that’s all there is to her.

Chink

June 10th, 2010
10:16 am

yes I am scared of marrying the wrong person….

Moni

Everyone has their LIMIT of what they will & will NOT deal with, so if you are willing to go against COMMON SENSE & WISDOM and stay with the REPRESENTATIVE, go ahead & let me know how that works out for you.

I agree with you but sometimes that does take time to realize because sometimes that deal breaker don’t show until 9 months in and then you see if you can work it out and then 5 months later you realize it can’t be resolved …but I would say no longer than 2 yrs.

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:18 am

WiseDiva, I think the biggest problem is looking good on paper does not mean possessing the potentials to be a good mate. We have gone thru the many entries on here of the long laundry lists that we each feel we want but many of those traits on the list really have nothing to do with what it takes to be in a relationship. Being successful, humorous, independent and highly educated does not a good mate make. So I would say many need to reassess those list and look for those traits that one should have that gives a better chance of them being a good partner in a union. If that’s what they want.

As far as this -> “Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it?” is concerned, last night at VBS we were having a discussion and I said that when it comes to relationships the one thing I love more than being married is being in love my husband.

We have our off days but I love being in love with him and I love that he makes me happy.

Him making me happy, makes me make him happy, which leads him to make sure I am happy, bringing on the desire for me to do all I can to make him happy, insuring our happiness.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
10:20 am

@Wisey we all need to do a quick reality check now and again.

Its wedding season. Alot of my friends are running back and forth to weddings and the whole “What about me blues can set in.” It’s important to think about..am I really looking for love to say I have it or because I want to be love? If you are looking for love because you want to have a pretty dress and dress your dearest friends up to look like giant easter eggs..then I would say you are looking for all the wrong reasons. But if you are looking TO LOVE and TO BE LOVE well now you are on the right track. Oh yeah and if you are not comfortable loving yourself(not a sexual reference) then how can you expect someone else to love you?

Carry

June 10th, 2010
10:20 am

@ Diva & Lady J ~ Yep, sometimes we point the gun on everyone but Ourselves ~ criticizing and giving advice. But as my mother used to say, “ask yourself”.

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:22 am

@ Chink: Just make sure your eyes are open & TRY to focus on the person and not the bells & whistles. I’ve been there & have since implemented the Miss Moni’s Relationship Re-evaluation which is conducted every 6 months. :-D

Melo

June 10th, 2010
10:24 am

Morning??

What does every day luv look like to uall single pple,in ur imaginations??

what are ur every day expectations from a loved one??

Good morning folks! :-)

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
10:25 am

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
10:25 am

WiseDiva, I think the biggest problem is looking good on paper does not mean possessing the potentials to be a good mate.

Raqi I so agree with this. I’ve undergone criticism from folks when I let go of a seemingly “good man”. Yeah, he looked good on paper and to the outside world! But you’d be surprised how many “good people” don’t have a clue of what it takes to make a successful relationship. Some people are very difficult to get along with. They need to find the right fit, which might not be easy. In the meantime, they are probably a good person, just not good for me. So I’m not wasting time trying to make something work just cause he’s supposed to be a “good man” and I’m single. No can do.

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:25 am

People really don’t change as much as others would want you to believe. The thing is after getting into it you see the stuff that is between the lines and scribbled on the back. Sometimes we blind ourselves by the image and miss what is really there.

A lot of the things you will find at the top of the list of most singles looking today I guarantee are those traits that most pretentious person you meet will possess.

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
10:26 am

Carry-Michael Jackson’s song “Man in the Mirror” says it all!!!!! I stand by that change to make a world a better place change you that is the “ONLY” person you are responsible for and can dictate the end results to adventures and misadventures…It starts with you and I have ran from me a long time….that is why today it is my daily testimony bc I am discovering me and I am not half bad as I assumed but at one point I ran from my own shadow and I will NEVER be afraid to say that!!! It makes me a better person to remain humble and grateful for what is on the other side for me! All in love!

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:27 am

@ Raqi: Sometimes we blind ourselves by the image and miss what is really there.

So very TRUE!!!

Real Men Speak!

June 10th, 2010
10:28 am

Happy? Being happy is an emotional feeling and reaction based on circumstances. This is why it is utterly important to unite for PURPOSE and not for FEELINGS! Your feelings changed, now you’re unhappy and considering throwing in the towel? It don’t work like that. Know WHY you’re together and be about the business of purpose and not sheer happiness. I ain’t happy when it rains, but I ain’t about to kill myself over a few showers:-)

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
10:29 am

dress your dearest friends up to look like giant easter eggs.

Kym – Love it!LOL!!! I decided many years ago I was not going to do that to my friends! And no, I’m not going to be able to shorten it and wear it again!

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:31 am

Happiness is not a feeling, it’s a state of mind. Love is not a feeling it’s an action.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
10:31 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR KYM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
10:33 am

Most
people have dreams in their
youth that get shattered or worn
down with age. They find themselves dis¬
appointed by people, events, reality, which can¬
not match their youthful ideals. Ideal Lovers thrive
on people’s broken dreams, which become lifelong
fantasies. You long for romance? Adventure? Lofty
spiritual communion? The Ideal Lover reflects your
fantasy. He or she is an artist in creating the illu¬
sion you require, idealizing your portrait. In a
world of disenchantment and baseness,
there is limitless seductive power in
following the path of the
Ideal Lover.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
10:33 am

LOL Leggs you one month to early Ladybug!!! But thank you in advance!!!

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
10:35 am

it takes time to get to points in your life of truly knowing……exploring that process more gives a base for the greatness on the other side….

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
10:36 am

If your dating preferences includes values that are important to you and are based on things other than what is superficial, then once the layers of a person begin to be peeled away, you should find someone who is still very similar to what you perceived them to be at the beginning.

One thing that I am learning about TheDude is that he is not just who he appears to be. He is many layers and as I discover more and more about him and I get closer to his core, I realize that I love all him – faults and flaws included. Because without his shortcomings, he would not be who he is.

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:38 am

kimmie, yeah because sometimes “good” is relative.

You know a person that is selfish (I know Poppa we all are selfish to a degree) IMO does not make a good mate. Relationships are about give and take and if you want it all for yourself not considering the needs of your mate you probably are not a good candidate for any type of long lasting relationships.

Caring, loyalty, accomodating are things that are to be desired in a mate that usually don’t show up in the columns under smart, educated, and humor.

Real Men Speak!

June 10th, 2010
10:39 am

Raqi – Today if that’s how i see it that how it is! As Diva said ~self reflection ain’t always no fun.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
10:42 am

Totally off topic..and I maybe a day late..but I love this guy..K’NAAN singer from Somali..he has a rapp with Chubb Rock..Love it!! His album is called Troubadour…ok back to your regularly scheduled blog..already in progress.

Chink

June 10th, 2010
10:43 am

@Real Men – I don’t agree Being Happy is almost a choice you make regardless of your circumstance! I don’t base my happiness on others but if you attempt to hurt me by your actions I take that personally.

I stopped saying I am unhappy when I am in a relationship …I go more towards this is not working. Because no one can steal my joy unless I let them!

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
10:47 am

Chink, s/o recently said to me “i just want to make you happy”. i told him i was happy when he found me and have been happy ever since and plan on staying that way, but i luv that he adds to my joy.

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
10:49 am

internal happiness is priceless and as I said yesterday it goes beyond that surface definition of feelings and emotions…..for me that is….its a sense of security with oneself and I just continue to build on it….it is many levels highs and lows to this concept to me but it starts within…

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:50 am

then once the layers of a person begin to be peeled away

SexyCool, before I run out to get some bread, eggs and milk (LOL) I want to make this statement, IMO those under layers are the things that cannot be destroyed by an outside force and something that it does not take an outside force to provide.

When you care about a person that is something that is within you. Something that cannot be taken or stolen away. As well as something that you don’t have to buy.

Someone can come today and take away my husband’s business. Steal all of his money. Douse him with acid and take away his gorgeous face. But no one can reach into his heart and spirit and take away his nature of caring.

We as human entities should seek those things that are not easily altered by the removal of material possessions or physical images. If someone can come take it away making your mate less desirable or if it has to be obtained it is probably not a good thing to have at the top of your list.

I guess you all get what I am trying to say here. I hope it makes sense. I don’t have time to reread it. I have to run out for a while.

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
10:56 am

kimmie, yeah because sometimes “good” is relative.

Raqi, my aunt a few years ago really got me to start thinking about what really makes up a “good man”, in a relationship/friendship sense. Because everyone is concerned with the outer stuff initially because thats all we can go on at first. Looks, steady employment, decent living situation(own place and not living with mom), yes some education is important to me cause I really don’t know of many high school dropouts that have not only steady but sustainable employment. Transportation is important – you don’t have to drive a Benz but we’re not in high school so at least have something to get you from point A to B. I would not do well with an atheist and I’m not converting to a Muslim or Buddist or Jehovah’s Witness so some spiritual compatiability is important to me. Yes, a pleasing personality is desireable – I’m generally a happy person so likewise would be nice.

I say all that to say that when we make lists, the basic stuff might seem superficial and don’t guarantee a person is relationship-material, but lack some of those things and they suddenly become extremely relevant. So I look for those basic things first and then as I get to know a person, I weed them out for more important reasons, such as honesty and selflessness and kindness, respectfulness and consideration, law-abiding, no adictions to drugs.

My aunt has a friend that was jumping thru hoops dealing with a very selfish, mean dude. But her friend kept saying he was a “good man”. My aunt was like okay, he’s not a serial killer, but what makes him so “good” to you?

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
10:57 am

If at first sight a girl does
not make such a deep
impression on a person that
she awakens the ideal,
then ordinarily the
actuality is not especially
desirable; but if she does,
then no matter how
experienced a person is he
usually is rather
overwhelmed.
—SØREN KIERKEGAARD, THE
SEDUCER’S DIARY, TRANSLATED
BY HOWARD V. HONG AND
EDNA H. HONG

Randyt (tomorrow Rome, next weekend ATL for awhile)

June 10th, 2010
10:57 am

A small point that is hard to deal with…

When I first started dating after my divorce, a lady acquainted me with a term I had never heard before, but have experienced many times since, a “near miss”, one that is “almost, but not quite” what you are looking for. One of the problems with dating is when you start dating someone, and he/she (depending upon your orientation), appears to be exactly what you are looking for early on, but you eventually realize that person is “almost, but not quite” what need in your life. Then extrication is tough, if you have any compassion.

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
10:58 am

Women have served all
these centuries as looking
glasses possessing the magic
and delicious power of
reflecting the figure of a
man at twice its natural
size.
—VIRGINIA WOOLF, A ROOM
OF ONE’S OWN

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
11:00 am

Each of us carries inside us an ideal, either of what we would like to be¬
come, or of what we want another person to be for us. This ideal goes
back to our earliest years—to what we once felt was missing in our lives,
what others did not give to us, what we could not give to ourselves. Maybe
we were smothered in comfort, and we long for danger and rebellion. If we
want danger but it frightens us, perhaps we look for someone who seems at
home with it. Or perhaps our ideal is more elevated—we want to be more
creative, nobler, and kinder than we ever manage to be. Our ideal is some¬
thing we feel is missing inside us.
Our ideal may be buried in disappointment, but it lurks underneath,
waiting to be sparked. If another person seems to have that ideal quality, or
to have the ability to bring it out in us, we fall in love.

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
11:01 am

Randy – I can relate to your 1057a. Because like I’ve said before, “Letting someone down easy is not that easy.”

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
11:05 am

@Ideal Lover I am feeling that 11am post…..it goes way back……

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
11:05 am

@Kym ~ I am??? Wow!!

We as human entities should seek those things that are not easily altered by the removal of material possessions or physical images!

AMEN! Too many look at the body type, the height, the bank account, whether the car is nice or not and forget about looking at the being, the essence of a person. Materialistic items are great to have, but I would rather have your heart in tune w/mine, your arms around me because I’m your magnet, and your desire to always want to do good by me because you admire and respect that I want to do the same for you. We can only grow with that type of a foundation.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
11:05 am

Ideal do you happen to have any of your own orignal ideas about the topic and not stuff you copy and paste?

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
11:07 am

@Leggs its okay..I am honored you were thinking about me.

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
11:12 am

Ideal do you happen to have any of your own orignal ideas about the topic and not stuff you copy and paste?

Heck at least take the brackets and stuff out so you can appear to contribute…LOL

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
11:12 am

you eventually realize that person is “almost, but not quite” what need in your life. Then extrication is tough, if you have any compassion.

Been there and done that…and it’s never been good b/c leaving is tough and I end up looking like the bad guy. To stay would mean wasting more of my time but the other person rarely saw it like that. Lately men(really just two) from my past have shown up in my life expecting us to have now what we could’ve had then but I don’t want that or them. Both are dealing with divorce but I feel like why me and why me NOW and not THEN. They’re all bitter,broken and just broke and I don’t want that…..I’m not anybody’s afterthought..nor will I allow myself to be treated as such. Not happenin’…

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
11:12 am

Excellent post, Ideal! I’m definitely experiencing what you’re saying.

Chink

June 10th, 2010
11:14 am

When I was talking to a friend of mine …we decided I was getting closer to the one by meeting the “almost, but not quite”.

Every relationship usually gets better than the last for me…so I use that gauge to tell me I am making progress in my selection process I just need some more tweeking for the next one.

Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.

Pappa Rappa

June 10th, 2010
11:15 am

Lemmie tell ya what I want-what I really, really want…………

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
11:23 am

The best line is:

Babe, if I don’t feel it I ain’t faking No, no!!

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
11:25 am

Sound like somebody a look for di rude boi early….so gwan wid it,nuh…

Randyt (tomorrow Rome, next weekend ATL for awhile)

June 10th, 2010
11:29 am

@ Chink, Sassy, and Sexy

I’ve had the “near miss” (where I had to let them go) and I’ve been the “near miss” (where they had to let me go). Both are painful. When I’ve been the “near miss”, I’ve always wondered what he/she (the one who she left me for) brought to the table that I didn’t. I do try to tell myself though what the lady also told me, “if it is not right for one, it is not right for either”. Doesn’t totally take the sting away initially, but eventually I accepted the wisdom of that in all that didn’t quite work.

The ones that I feel sorry for are those that never quite get over the rejection. Sooner or later you have to “let it go” and realize that it was not right for you either…or any future relationship will be poisoned.

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
11:31 am

i do have my own ideas…but its something i read that fits what we are talking about…k

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
11:43 am

Randy I’ve had near miss after near miss and I find myself being the one to do the “letting go”….which has led me to where I am now. I’m not actively seeking but am open to the new and exciting things that will happen. I also realize that I must step out of my box/comfort zone and am making moves in that direction. I just wonder if it’s something that I’m doing or have done that makes my exes want to come back…..keep hearing the woulda,coulda,shoulda …blah blah blah…enough already.

For Real (Alive and Kickin)

June 10th, 2010
11:46 am

“When we meet someone who appears to have the majority of these qualities, we get excited. Now the questions are: is that what you truly wanted?” – LMAO!!! Now do you see why I say females are IRRATIONAL as hellz?????

So let me see if I got this right Wise, YOU develop a list of PREFERENCS and based upon YOUR list now YOU are wondering “if this is what YOU truly want”. Can y’all (females) see how you get in your own way? Why is it soooo hard for females to know what they want? Have yall (females) thought about not focusing so much on what you don’t want?

KP: Now do you see why women are not the key ingredient in a successful relationship? The flakiest dude in the world doesn’t compare to the level of inconsistency provided by a woman.

Mrs. Tazzee the Newlywed

June 10th, 2010
11:47 am

Morning Folks!

My list was a starting point to consider dating a man but I relied on time and pressure to show me if the man was truly the one for me. Most of the items on my list could be discerned within a week or two.

Consistency has always been key for me and when a man started to change up in the things that I deemed important it was time to move on.

It’s funny that this is the topic today – yesterday I was going through some of my old blog posts and I found one where I made a job listing I created for my potential mate. As I read my lists of must haves and would like to haves I had to laugh because my husband met all the requirements. I wrote that 5 years ago, LOL.

For Real (I Can Live with or without you)

June 10th, 2010
11:52 am

“Each of us carries inside us an ideal, either of what we would like to become, or of what we want another person to be for us.” – WTF!!! It’s this kind of dribble-drabble (shout to Mr. T) that keeps yall confused. Here try this, take a mirror and tell yourself the TRUTH concern 10 things about yourself.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
11:53 am

Well Tazzee …write the vision and make it plain..

And since we are quoting books and stuff..The Secret discuss the law of atttraction..putting out there what you want..focusing on what you want and letting the universe do the rest.

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
12:00 pm

That’s wonderful Taz! Even though I never really have had a written list, I know what I’m looking for and it seems I’ve found those things in the person I’m seeing now.

Kym – Yes, the law of attraction is very real, I believe.

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
12:00 pm

For Real – but I thought you lubbed me? :cry:

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
12:01 pm

Are those not lyrics from a song by the Spice Girls? LOL

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
12:03 pm

Taz – That reminds me, I did a list on my blog some years back. Let me go find it and see how TheDude measures up.

Also, Taz, I’m going to send you an email.

Mrs. Tazzee the Newlywed

June 10th, 2010
12:03 pm

Kym – You got that right! The funny thing is, I totally forgot about that. I wrote it as a response to a guy that asked if he could apply for the position to be my mate. And here I was walking around saying that I’d never really put together a list of what I wanted – that I just periodically made mention of it. I actually had a list :shock:

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:04 pm

Now do you see why women are not the key ingredient in a successful relationship?

?????

So umm are you in a relationship?…with a woman? How does your mother come into play here?…are you a victim like DMX and just never recovered now your “hurt lil boy syndrome” has manifested itself into this dry, acrid entity. Do you even like women?…it’s cool if you don’t ’cause that’s how you read…which would explain alot…. :lol:

Mrs. Tazzee the Newlywed

June 10th, 2010
12:06 pm

SCool – I’ll be looking for that email. BTW, I got the pictures. Only looked at them from my phone and I love the crowd shots. Thanks!

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:07 pm

My list was a starting point to consider dating a man but I relied on time and pressure to show me if the man was truly the one for me. Most of the items on my list could be discerned within a week or two.Consistency has always been key for me and when a man started to change up in the things that I deemed important it was time to move on

Worth repeating…that’s real talk…

mytw♥cents

June 10th, 2010
12:10 pm

I’m me from the gate… Can’t be bothered with the subterfuge and it’s too time consuming. No amount of Spanx, make up or acting will conceal who I authentically am cuz ultimately, I’m lit from within & I’ll be exposed anyway… Nowhere to hide.
Of course, I’m much more self aware at 34 than I was at 24 and can see what I THOUGHT I wanted then is what I really want now. An intense connection just scared me cuz too many of these dudes will literally luv u 2 death! But now I’m better at discerning between crazy in love & just plain crazy.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
12:12 pm

@mytwo ~ Your internal light shines brightly on the outside!!!

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
12:14 pm

Just for the FUN of entertaining the blame the other sex discussion. Wise Diva gave an example of male friends complaining that women change up on them after reaching permanent status. That’s cwaaazy and IRRATIONAL.

Why are men always so surprised about the women they have chosen? She just changed?? You know good and well aint nothing changed but your perception of her…which can too often be easily influenced by dang near anything around you.

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:17 pm

Dos Centavos excellent post,chica… Let your light shine!!

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
12:17 pm

Luvbug – If you didn’t, check out the posts late yesterday from “Charlie Wax”. He said men bore easy, so maybe changing up on them is good!LOL!!!!

For Real (Hush Voices Carry)

June 10th, 2010
12:19 pm

Slim: You know I lub you long tyme.

Luvbug: U2

Sassy: Awwww Junk I guess you told me huh? Get out here with that 2nd grade reverse psych ish. Your mother my mother (female period) are irrational. Just look at your response but if you want “jones” just let me know I’m game.

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
12:20 pm

Found my lists – I wrote two different posts about a month apart, almost six years ago.

TheDude is all of those things and then some. Wow.

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:21 pm

You know good and well aint nothing changed but your perception of her…which can too often be easily influenced by dang near anything around you.

Exactly…..then when the rose colored glasses come off they’re walking around all dazed n confused like Harpo?….who dis woman? You knew what you had all along but was prolly blinded by something superficial like looks or a phat booty…

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:24 pm

No I didn’t tell you anything…what I did was ask</emK you some questions…..I notice noe of which you answered….so maybe that in itself was an anwwer. It's okay boo boo… :lol:

Black Magic Woman

June 10th, 2010
12:24 pm

Randy….I and sooo afraid of of marriage period. Hell I get scared at the mention of a relationship. I get this tight feeling in my chest at the thought. Marriage seems so final and permanent.

On topic….I have a preferences list! Granted it’s not a Chilli list. But I know what I like….and each time I have tried to go against it…I get bit in the butt…and I don’t mean in a good way. So I will keep it and not settle. Number one…physical attraction is most important. If I am not attracted to you….you will nver be more than my friend. I don’t wanna barf at the thought of kissing or laying with you. Number two…sincerity (honest & trustworthy)! Number three….SANE! I am nuts enough….I do not help in that department. :lol: Number four….financially stable. I’m allergic to broke dudes! :lol: He doesn’t have to take care of me but he damn sure can’t be looking in my face for money, a place to crash or to use my car…in other words……A LOOZA-FACE! Number five….no more than one kid….that is my compromise because I used to only date guys with none! Number six….educated and intelligent. I don’t do ignorant or stupid! I think that is it….

For Real (Send Me an Angel)

June 10th, 2010
12:24 pm

Luvbug: Nothing in my any of my post blame women. I simply stated how irrational it is for someone to develop a list and then question if they want what’s on the list. To your question yeah why are men and women suprised by the person they choose? Do a better job on the front end and they wouldn’t be sitting there looking sideways at their choice.

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
12:26 pm

LOL Kimmie. I stand corrected Real. You like to mix it up, so you’re in the minority. :lol:

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:27 pm

For real I didn’t tell you anything….what I did was ask you some questions… none of which you’ve answered….then again maybe that in itself was/is the answer….it’s okay boo boo.

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
12:28 pm

women do change up..just like men….we get lazy…there are no instruction what to do when the lust has worn off…by them comfort as set in..thats why

kimmie…yes men bore easy…i bore after the second sex episode…so i find other things to like about the woman…i know my achilles heel…new cat….so i start to suggest things or do things to keep ish fresh…like hitting washington farms or date night at the glass studio….or get out of town…etc…so if her imagination is challenge i become the change so she can see how i like to do things…

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
12:31 pm

BMW – I understand what you mean about that tight feeling, like you can’t really breathe. I’ve felt that before, when I knew deep in my heart that something wasn’t right but I’m trying to make it work anyway. No more. I don’t feel that way about the guy I’m seeing now, but everyone else, yeah.

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:32 pm

Black Magic….como estas?

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
12:32 pm

Funny Rell, I knew that was you!LOL!!!

Bless your heart!

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
12:32 pm

Real – You’re right. You were singling out women even though you know there’s enough crazy to go around…except on the woman’s side. On average we’re 100% sane. It’d hurt less if you didn’t fight it so much. :lol: Concede.

Black Magic Woman

June 10th, 2010
12:34 pm

Sassy…nada mami! Que tu haces?

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:44 pm

Que tu haces?

Just relaxin right now…debating on what to do or where to go to watch the game later.

Chink

June 10th, 2010
12:55 pm

For Real…No matter how much work you do on the front end sometimes the person just ends up to be a jerk…

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
1:00 pm

Maxwell and Jill Scott singing in my erruh….

William

June 10th, 2010
1:04 pm

I want to be like Charlie Harper on 2 1/2 men. If your looking for committment on the first few encounters, forget it. Then again thinking like Charlie, it is about sex.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
1:46 pm

Okay I need a break…what’s the haps in here???

Trevor0529

June 10th, 2010
1:48 pm

It must be nap time here on the blog.

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
1:54 pm

@ Trevor: My sentiments EXACTLY. . .

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
1:58 pm

Sassy, what are you wearing to the concert?

mytw♥cents

June 10th, 2010
2:03 pm

Thanks LEGGS & SASSAFRASS…

Why is MIA M.I.A.? I’m betting there’s a segment who are busy, some have blog fastigue & others who just sit back and listen. Plus, itKs hell-hot! Who has the energy?

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
2:05 pm

@BMW ~ {{{clap, clap, clapping}}}

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
2:11 pm

I have a gf who has been dating this guys for five months and for four months has been dealing with b.s. and drama.

She is 42. He is 50.

She wonders why I give her the side-eye everytime she brings it up.

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
2:15 pm

SexyC, believe it or not some people actually thrive on drama and chaos. it things were smooth, cool and easy breezy they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves. when those people talk, i just smile and nod my head until they’re done. (of course, if it’s someone i don’t like i just :roll: and turn away).

Professor

June 10th, 2010
2:16 pm

Hola!!!

wassup Melo, Lady J, Sassy czBrat, PK and the crew

I am so late I forgot what I was going to write, but it was probably said already.

Hmmmm I like my dates the same way I like my cars.

Dan - back in touch

June 10th, 2010
2:17 pm

Dating “preferences” are like vegetables, what’s good for you ain’t always good to you.

But at a certain point in life and maturity, you either realize that a do what needs doing, or keep doing what you wanna do.

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
2:17 pm

SCool – So really she has only been “dating” him 1 month. She must feel that she won’t meet anyone else so that’s why she’s putting up with it. Because otherwise that’s not enough time to start playing your bs & drama cards, to me anyway.

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
2:17 pm

I’m having a slow azz day at work so the fact that the blog is moving just as slow isn’t helping my case. I am struggling, struggling, juggling, mean muggling….

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
2:18 pm

SexyC, believe it or not some people actually thrive on drama and chaos. it things were smooth, cool and easy breezy they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves.

Bears repeating! I know several people just like this.

Professor

June 10th, 2010
2:19 pm

Only 115 messages…WAKEEEEEEEEE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP BLOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
2:22 pm

Dating “preferences” are like vegetables, what’s good for you ain’t always good to you.

So just find a vegetable that you like. Then you’ll have something you like that’s good for you!

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
2:24 pm

Good points, ladies. There is so much that could be spoken to here, from her obvious lack of self-esteem for putting up with the mess; the fact that as long as she hangs around, she is co-signing the drama; she deserves better but won’t get better until she recognizes it and I could go on.

And I haven’t even talked about the fact that she is acting like a psycho nutjob doing drive-bys and was knocking on his door in the middle of the night.

She claims to be done with him after last week’s deal and that she told him to leave her alone and she is not accepting his calls.

Yesterday, she calls to tell me that there was a bouquet of roses from him on her doorstep when she got home yesterday.

My response to her – “He is just as crazy as you are. Y’all are perfect for each other.”

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
2:26 pm

Hola Professor!!!

Lady J

June 10th, 2010
2:27 pm

math problem and logic…..some one give their take

if 4 people are traveling a 8 hour trip by car one way would you charge 30 a piece or 60 a piece…explain your choice……i hate math and I know gas is high but I truly want to know what it the most logical amount one way with four people on a 8 hour car ride….

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
2:28 pm

@SCool ~ for her to tolerate that nonsense, it appears she needs to be in a relationship to say she’s in a relationship. Drama is as drama does and perhaps that’s all she’s use to. I don’t know of anyone after 5 months would tolerate something like that jumping off the very first month of being together….he knew who he picked when he got with her. He sniffed out her tendencies from jumpstreet! These type of relationships usually end UGLY!!!

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
2:30 pm

Hola Profesora! and a HEY NOW! on that post :lol:

Slim, how come looking at your moniker today reminds me i forgot to put the roast in the crock pot this morning?

SexyC, your response to her was on point!

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
2:30 pm

I don’t know of anyone after 5 months would tolerate something like that jumping off the very first month of being together

Exactly Leggs!

Professor

June 10th, 2010
2:34 pm

Hey Miss Moni</strong?

@Lady J I would charge $60 that is for the gas, miles, wear and tear. My car is depreciating with all those miles…so I am going for the $60 and the $$$$ must be in my hand before the suitcase hit my truck and get one of those counterfit pens to check the bills just in case… :wink:

@czBrat :grin:

Lady J

June 10th, 2010
2:35 pm

or can it be assessed that 30 is for gas and 30 is just for the person offering to drive her car???? hmmmmm pondering

Professor

June 10th, 2010
2:35 pm

@lady j I forgot to ask you how MPG does your car get. If you are in a V8 make sure you get $60

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
2:35 pm

czBrat – Glad I was of use to someone today…

Lady J

June 10th, 2010
2:36 pm

professor sill me that just dawn on me…ok i am over it back to lurking status! ha!

Lady J

June 10th, 2010
2:36 pm

dammit meant silly….geesh I yet have class tonight!

go lakers!
me so sleepy!

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
2:36 pm

The truth about dating preferences is sometimes you think you want something until you get and then realize you can’t handle it or it’s not how you thought it would be.

A woman dedicated to her career can easily be a workaholic and married to her job. A man that is confidence can easily be an arrogant pryck.

The thing there is no way to measure those things.

Professor

June 10th, 2010
2:37 pm

I mean if someone is riding 8 hours in my car they are going to pay more than fuel. You are your own corporation, they don’t ride on Delta and only pay for fuel or get an at cost flight. Why not make a profit? If something happens to your car you will be responsible get the extra it’s no big deal.

Professor

June 10th, 2010
2:38 pm

Lady J same here I am getting ready to take a power nap I am tired

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
2:39 pm

@ Professor: ??? </strong?

Melo

June 10th, 2010
2:39 pm

shes 42..shes grown!! Let her be!

knocking at midnite means her butt is being kicked real ,daaaaamn goood and likes it like that!

the 40s are bring out all her juices….(reminds me of that juicy neckbone nook filled with some good good.u feel like gnawing on it hrs on end) :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
2:40 pm

5 months and 4 months of bs? Wow, I wonder if she kept telling herself he is going to change?

Lady J

June 10th, 2010
2:41 pm

you are a hot mess go to sleep chica! LMBAO Professor!

Crabs in the arse

June 10th, 2010
2:41 pm

i love me some raqi!!!!!

Professor

June 10th, 2010
2:41 pm

Miss Moni that was a typo trying to blog while sleepy is not good.

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
2:42 pm

Melo – I am not trying to parent her. Trust. I *was* only trying to be a listening friend.

Raqi – He tells her he is. She believes it.

As of yesterday, I tuned out.

And I’m going to hit my co-worker that keeps offering to buy me lattes in the top of his head.

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
2:43 pm

@ Professor: Oh ok. Well get your power nap & RECHARGE. The WEEKEND is waiting!!! :-D

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
2:44 pm

WHAT was I thinking, it’s ONLY Thursday, oh my. . .

Dan - back in touch

June 10th, 2010
2:44 pm

I’mma agree with Melo,

time and good-good will having puttin up with all kinds of foolishness

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
2:46 pm

SexyC, put a jar on your desk. every time he wants to buy you a latte just have him drop the cash in the jar. then tell him to have a wonderful day.

gotta get back to the plantation. yous behave in here … (Melo!).

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
2:47 pm

4 out of 5 months? That’s what she coped to. I bet it was 5 out of 5. LOL

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
2:50 pm

czB – I like that idea.

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
2:51 pm

SexyCool, I had a neighbor when I lived in the apts whose guy would get drunk and beat the snot out of her. She or a “neighbor” would call the cops, they would come and he would start the whole “I promise imma change” speech. Sometimes they would take him and he would be right back there a few days later pleading his sorry case. Other times they didn’t take him because she didn’t want to press charges.

When I moved from there she was still getting her every weekend drunken beat downs ‘cause she believed he was going to change.

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
2:55 pm

SexyCool, how old is your admirer?

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
2:58 pm

LMAO!!! I didn’t even think about it like that.

Rock – you’s a nut.

Oddly though, your question made me look up his age in his personnel file. He is only 44. But he looks like he’s over 40. wow.

For Real

June 10th, 2010
2:59 pm

Man don’t you hate it when you have to be in a long azz boring meeting with various dept and you make plans not to pay attention and do other ish while you are in the meeting and then all of a sudden the meeting turns and its all about you!!!

Let read back and see what the haps on the blog

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
3:01 pm

4Real – Been there, you gotta know how to play it off!LOL!!

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
3:01 pm

Yeah…um…over 50.

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
3:10 pm

44? Oh well, he is too young to be in the harmless stage. He needs to get clue. LOL You know when those little old fresh men are like 70+ they are pretty harmless. Just being flirty.

The parking attendant where I used to work was an older gentlemen. He was always coming with the compliments and being overly flirty to a bunch of the women. He would always tell my husband that he was going to steal me from him. Everybody knew he didn’t mean any harm.

Your guy at 44…he is trying to get at you. Today a latte, tomorrow a danish. You accept and next week he is going to be trying to make you eggs benedick (lol) breakfast. LOL

For Real

June 10th, 2010
3:11 pm

Dayum two pages at 3pm. Do I need to start talking about somebody momma?

Kimmie: I ain’t good at that so I looked at the agenda and turn it back on the idiotic that ask the question. Problem is I was surround by idiotics and spent 2.5hrs turning everything said back on them. Hell it started to feel like I was playing Galaga and I was down to my last two spaceships. Oh yeah, I found another TV serie you might like on Starz it’s called Gravity. It’s about people that tried to commit suicide but failed and the judge made them attend this help group called Suicide Dummies as part their sentence.

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
3:13 pm

what are you wearing to the concert?

I have a few things line up but I haven’e decided yet Kimmie….what about you?

Heey Professor

For Real

June 10th, 2010
3:14 pm

Scool: Your 44yo and the latte made reminds me of a skit about the first dude to cut a hole in the bottom of a bucket of popcorn and stick his wang inside and then offer the popcorn to his date. Or I’m delirious.

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
3:14 pm

4Real – Cool, I am texting SO now about that show.

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
3:17 pm

I’m gonna go with *delirious*…as usual. LOL!

Yeah, Rock, he’s a flirty one. I don’t pay him any mind. LOL!

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
3:20 pm

Sassy – I have this cute top I am wearing. It has a camoflage print, but in blue & grey instead of khaki green. It has a little sequined pocket. I am trying to decide if I’m wearing jeans or pant. I think it will look best with jeans though. Some silver wedges.

I am so ready! I have to go to the funeral of a great lady and a dear friend & church member earlier on Saturday. We are going to grab a nice dinner before the concert. I want to get a nice buzz too.

Melo

June 10th, 2010
3:20 pm

when ur friend,sister,auntie etc is going to a bro’s house in the wee hours or in the dark and she gets there and shes like:

Queenesha : Ray Ray(on top of her voice) boy open that daaaamn door..i know u in der’

Ray Ray:(in birf suit) peeking thru the windor: who dat? Queenesha..what u doing..go home!

Queenesha : Ray Ray,boy dont play with me..open that daaamn door..who der wit u?

Ray Ray: nobody, im sleeping..just go home i call u tmrw

Queenesha: (very loud,hitting the door) bah bah bah….(pause) bah bah bah..open dat damn door boy..u hear me!!

and shes 42…….U know,(if u are the friend etc) u cant do none about that coz Ray Ray is doing some right to make Queenesha be so delirious! Shes been scratched like shes neva been scratcehd be4 in 42 years!

If u single urself,thats why some female friends(ive heard) will say….”what ur boy giving u geeeeerl,lemme have a taste of it!??

Uall know that story!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Dan - back in touch

June 10th, 2010
3:25 pm

Yeah, that concert sounds fun…

I wish I was going….

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
3:26 pm

@Melo ~ I’m so appreciative that I know the story, but never lived it!!!

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
3:28 pm

Dan – Other than the Labor Day weekend cruise, it is going to be the highlight of my summer!

Melo

June 10th, 2010
3:30 pm

uall females are so hung up on ur pride……u too Kimmie and Leggs! :lol:

smetimes uall gotta just admit it in public,so we all know,some guys really do a Daaamn good Phluccking job!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Melo

June 10th, 2010
3:32 pm

watch world cup opening musical events on live tele on espn 2,if u gotta tele at work…

phluckk i forgot to record that!

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
3:33 pm

Sounds cute Kimmie…I plan on going out for a nice dinner as well before the concert…just haven’t decided on where but I want it to be a new place.

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
3:36 pm

Melo – Yes, I am proud. And I have no problem walking away from “stuff”, if other things are not in order – for example – Mr. Crying Game I told you all about!

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
3:37 pm

My response to her – “He is just as crazy as you are. Y’all are perfect for each other.”

Good answer.

True story…A best best best friend (I thought) for years dated this dude off and on from their FamU years. He signs with the Falcons, all the while their relationship off and on. When it’s good for him, she takes a back seat. When it’s bad she’s his rock. He wasn’t a key player. Some playing time but not much…so not really getting paid like famous players. Anyway, in between their on again off again romance, comes 3 kids and 2 baby mamas. During their “on again” time, she plans a wedding and wouldn’t you know it. He calls her to have “the talk.” He had an ephiphany and felt he owed it to his kids to make it work…at least with one of the mamas. She was truly broken. I’m there through all of this and listened over the years. I gave honest advice but as tactful and as much as I could with a grain of salt. During this time she interviews for an FBI agent. She didn’t get that position but was offered another one with the Feds. She signs on and now making a buttload of cash. Him? After his ephiphany slipped away, he’s back to her with a failing farm, horses (and we all know they ain’t cheap) in dire need of medical attention, no longer playing football, he’s got a cash for title business where he holding all these titles to junk cars, big ole cars needing to be sold, behind on child support. She’s telling his woes and I’m like girl ain’t you happy that ain’t your problem and she’s like yeah. How about I call her house and guess who answers the phone. You know me, I’m already not appreciating the fact that he’s played games over the years but it ain’t my thing so I’ve always remain cool with him. I did ask though, ummm (insert name here) has a roommate now? Him still having a key, let himself in, dropped off his luggage, parked his big ole ugly bmer in her yard takes off with Deon Sanders. Of course he asked to leave his stuff there but three days pass and his car is still in the yard, luggage still at her home and she’s not heard from him, didn’t know he would be trekking for days with a player (that was before Deon found Jesus) but was hoping. Now, if you want me to just listen please say so cause if not, and as your girl, imma tell you the painful truth. I was 4 years younger than her and really she should have had enough…I know I had. I went there…no holds barred…that’s been about 12 years ago and I’ve never heard from her again.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
3:38 pm

You damn skippy, Melo…I am very proud that I know when to remove myself and let your a$$ go. Drama and I are not friends!!!

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
3:40 pm

Maybe 15 years ago

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
3:44 pm

IML – I can so relate. When she first called me a week or so ago when she was still mad, I did try to encourage her to finally make some good decisions regarding her situation. But, er, um…yeah….no, doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

I hope your former bestie finally came to the light before all was lost.

Crabs in the arse

June 10th, 2010
3:45 pm

melo who do you have england v usa…i am thinking 2 – 2 draw

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
3:47 pm

I hope your former bestie finally came to the light before all was lost.

SCool – No she didn’t because that’s why IML hasn’t heard from her in all these years. She’s embarrased.

IML – I’m just shaking my head because I had a friend just like that! Nothing you can say.

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
3:51 pm

I hope your former bestie finally came to the light before all was lost.

You know, I never heard from her again. I saw her sister at the movies a few years back and asked about her but haven’t talked to her since.. I wasn’t mad at her like that…I loved her like a sister as she was there for me as well when I was struggling financially, new baby, etc., but there’s a limit and you have to draw the line somewhere. I tell you I always had like two circle of girls. The boo-ghee and the down to earth. The things that happened in the boo-ghee circle kept me amazed. Had a roommate that got pregnant by a Miami Heat player…I’m dead serious…of course I met her during her first trimester and even though she didn’t get taken through the ringer like my other friend, she was delusional a looooong time. Her daughter has to be about 13 now, BEAUTIFUL baby. But once she got pregnant they NEVER hooked up again…well during the time we lived together. I mean he sent money and he paid and paid well but that was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
3:52 pm

@it’s me lurker….I think you did the right thing. You’ve been her sounding board for so many years, I see nothing wrong with you reaching your breaking point and telling her, your friend what you felt. Apparently she needed a “Yes” friend and when you stopped being that, kappeesh, she’s gone w/the wind.

Dan - back in touch

June 10th, 2010
3:52 pm

Okay, I’m going….

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
3:52 pm

Oh sorry, that’s a horrible story!

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
3:53 pm

Kimmie, I agree. They would tell me I thought I was better or I was too hard on men…oh that was their mantra about me. We laughed about it but I was like, say what you want, I’m not going to be taken through changes like that. I’ve gone through some challenging things but there’s a limit and when I’m done,

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
3:54 pm

Leggs, I was really hurt by that. She was there for me as well but hearing the truth makes you walk away? I couldn’t believe it.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
3:59 pm

That’s life…hearing the truth makes the “fair weathered friend” walk away. A true friend would probably have retreated for a spell, but eventually you two would continue to be friends. Hurt is hurt, but true friendship and overcome hurt! Just like love can help one forgive. It’s all in the true form of the person = character!

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
4:01 pm

They would tell me I thought I was better or I was too hard on men…

IML – Same here!!LOL!! My response would always be – “yeah I am better” which would just floor some folks! I can be a little bougie, I admit, but never look down on anyone. Just some “messy” stuff I can’t be bothered with.

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
4:02 pm

“yeah I am better” which would just floor some folks!

Love it

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
4:07 pm

If you don’t think you’re worth more, who will?

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
4:10 pm

IML/Leggs – I have this really attractive friend that dated this actor. He had a memorable role on a very popular sitcom and been in a few movies. He’s now married with 2 kids and a black Republican. When he dated my friend he was awful – full of himself and always moody and brooding. There was nothing my friend could do right – he constantly criticized everything about her. He finally broke it off. She kept trying to get back with him, calling and sending him little cards and wanting to be “friends”. He said he thought she was nice, but he wasn’t ready to get married.

I finally had enough and told her to quit calling him, quit trying to be friends because he is NOT interested in her. I told her yes, he IS ready to get married, he just doesn’t want to marry YOU! She started crying and told me I was making her feel bad.

But she took my advice and a few months later started up a friendship with a guy that had been right under her nose. They went from friends to dating to married and have a lovely daughter that I am godmother to. Her hubby is a big time marketing exec in Cali.

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
4:12 pm

Awww, it’s raining. Refreshing!

Ahhhhgh, all these bad stories of women 35 or 40 plus?! I’ve been banking on people getting better with age. I just knew “40 is the new 20” was only a mantra and not something that I actually had to consider in my future.

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
4:13 pm

They went from friends to dating to married and have a lovely daughter that I am godmother to. Her hubby is a big time marketing exec in Cali.

That’s what I’m talking about. Forget all that hoopla surrounding nothing and go for the simple.

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
4:15 pm

Luvbug is not about natural age. It’s about emotional intelligence and emotional maturity.

It’s also about self-esteem, self-acceptance, self-awareness and a whole bunch of other self words.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
4:16 pm

@kimmie ~ sometimes the cobwebs simply have to be removed. Her brain was cluttered with a bunch of “what ifs.” Once her mind cleared she could finally see he wasn’t the cat’s meow she thought he was. His armpits did actually smell… We all need that harsh slap back to reality. Not all listen, but most of us need it.

Trevor0529

June 10th, 2010
4:16 pm

There have been some interesting stories today from the ladies here on the blog. It reminds me of a quote I heard on the radio today

“Don’t let people with no life ruin your life.”

Melo

June 10th, 2010
4:17 pm

Crabs in da whaat?

England 2 USA 1

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
4:19 pm

Dang Trevor0529, a day late, a dollar short.

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
4:20 pm

I get that SCool, but age is relevant when you’re 35, 45, 55, 65 years old trying to be 20.

Maybe 35 isn’t a reasonable expectation of the maturity you described, but 45, 55, 65? Seriously, why are you down here taking up space and raising taxes and the crime rate?

Makes me wonder how much it would cost to get rid of you.

Trevor0529

June 10th, 2010
4:21 pm

sorry about that Leggs. I got another one for later.

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
4:22 pm

I witnessed many things from being in that environment and really it ain’t glamourous AT ALL. All I saw was constant hurt, betrayal and lies. I was cool with most of them but honestly I never tried to latch or hang on, frankly just wasn’t my thing. Again not trying to come off as better than any of them but I can believe your scars and wounds without a personal brow beating to believe.

I agree, self-esteem and worth. You gotta believe in your own worth and know when to walk. If you stay too long and take too much, your quality is compromised.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
4:23 pm

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
4:25 pm

Awww, it’s raining. Refreshing!

Such beauty in simplicity….

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
4:26 pm

To think, I took my rain jacket home yesterday…shoot

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
4:27 pm

And such complexity in navigating the roads….

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
4:28 pm

IML – that’s kind of what I get from watching Basketball Wives. They seem so tortured – for the most part.

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
4:31 pm

And to the same theme – a chick that I *kinda* know from my hometown posted the following question on her FB page yesterday –

“Which would you rather be – the main girl or the side chick?”

I responded with –
“If I can’t be the *only* woman, I couldn’t be either one.”

She came back with something about knowing that all men cheat. I don’t have enough of a relationship with her or care enough to get into a debate with her about that. I just found her position to be rather sad. (shaking head)

Melo

June 10th, 2010
4:35 pm

But its not everybody who is going to get married. Smetime and for those who aren’t going to go down that road, lyre ain’t that interesting unless there is good dycck and some sizeable amount of drama.
I have witnessed those couples too. They luv each other, got a kid(s) etc and are really good when tgether but drama rears its head smetime. But they are grown!

Makes the world go round and fun to watch!

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
4:35 pm

Sexycool – My ex once asked me did I actually believe that any man could be or would be faithful…The way he even posed that question had me looking at him sideways. It was sort of the undertone of I would not find anyone who wouldn’t cheat, so why not deal with him since we had been together so long…or a hint of I’d find no one better than him.

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
4:39 pm

IML – that’s kind of what I get from watching Basketball Wives. They seem so tortured – for the most part.

Girl, believe the hurt that’s revealed. I could tell ya’ll stories for days…especially those parties where they’d do get a 2 or 3 room suite at the plush hotels around the city, open bar along with everything else being wide open. Honestly not tryna put folks out there but those boo-ghee chicks did EVERYTHANG…weed, blow, dudes they’d just met. I remember once they met some dudes on the balcony and next thing I know, herbs and sex. I mean I didn’t sit there like a garden hose but I didn’t do dope and I didn’t do dudes…I was sort of the “prude” for lack of a better word. Most times I was dating someone so I had someone to go home with. Only once I stay the night and mmm mmm mmm is all I can say. I was pretty much good for rounds and rounds of playing spades cause I was the only that could talk trash….they rest was too boo-ghee…go figure. And yes, the chick with the football player would get smashed…totally…like can’t even stand smashed.

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
4:45 pm

Good nite, beautiful blog people!

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
4:49 pm

Agree with you (Melo)…and definitely agree with SCool. It’s just all these stories, though entertaining, are discouraging. Even the “all men cheat” thing is accepted as a fact of life. It (the drama) shows up everywhere as if it’s normal.

Not too long ago, you open up a black magazine and see Kim Porter looking crazy with Diddy like their married and he’s not playing her silly. You see black magazines today and see Alicia Keyes canoodling and pregnant with someone’s husband…spun like they’re a new hot it couple.

I can’t take this new normal.

Sorry for the rant.

Trevor0529

June 10th, 2010
4:49 pm

A closing thought

“There is no where we need to go. There is nothing we need to do. We need to just be.”

Have a good night everybody!!

Melo

June 10th, 2010
4:52 pm

Have u ever met a woman that had an ugly man for a hubby…cute lady,leggy,brown/dark skinned,nice set of teeth,well spoken and good manners?
But the hubby was damn ugly,looking like a frog munching on a bun and having an argument with someone at the same time?? Yeh that one.

She had preferances too at some point and they didnt include an ugly man. She went for what was practical.

Uall need to think about that too otherwise u all die very unhappy!

Good nite!

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
4:54 pm

Luvbug, all i can say is take the time and learn to luv yourself and hold on to your faith. you may not be able to do anything about whether or not “all men” cheat, but at least you’ll know how and when to separate yourself from the situation if it’s not something you want in your life. the examples you cited can be chalked up to youthful stupidity (although i have no idea how old diddy is???). live and learn to be a better person. God willing, a better person will then be happy to share his life with you.

ciao!

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
4:57 pm

So melo said all that to say, Get an Ugly man and have a better life??? :lol:

Melo

June 10th, 2010
5:01 pm

SlimSlow ..Get an Ugly man and have a better life

DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
5:02 pm

Some women purposely seek the less than atrractive man.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
5:02 pm

Nice, Trevor0529, very nice.

Good night, everyone!

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
5:04 pm

Get an Ugly man and have a better life

I’m shame to say it but I’ve heard there’s some truth to this

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
5:08 pm

but what if it turns out your man is with you because he was told ‘get an ugly chick and have a better life”? hmmmmmmmmmm :shock:

:lol: ciao for real :lol:

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
5:23 pm

but what if it turns out your man is with you because he was told ‘get an ugly chick and have a better life”?

LOLOL