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The truth about dating preferences

We all have our wish list of things we would like to see in a date.  We may not list them all on paper but there are unspoken things that we think about all the time.  When we meet someone who appears to have the majority of these qualities, we get excited.  Now the questions are: is that what you truly wanted?  Are you really into him or her or is it the image of them that gets your blood pumping?

I really think this is a common issue that plagues singles, including me.  It is so easy to get caught up in each others’ representative and outer shell because that is what we are projecting and revealing to people we meet and date.  A lot of men complain to me that their woman changed after they got in an exclusive relationship.  I think it is more about her feeling comfortable enough to show the real parts of her then changing to a different person.  Men do the same thing too.

When it is so easy to get caught up in image, how do you think our dating preferences hinder our chances of building relationships? What happens when you are in to the person because they meet your list of dating preferences and then their real personality shows up?  From your experiences, were you still interested in them or was it just the image of them?

I think the same question can be asked about love and marriage.  Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it?  Discuss.

221 comments Add your comment

Chink

June 10th, 2010
10:43 am

@Real Men – I don’t agree Being Happy is almost a choice you make regardless of your circumstance! I don’t base my happiness on others but if you attempt to hurt me by your actions I take that personally.

I stopped saying I am unhappy when I am in a relationship …I go more towards this is not working. Because no one can steal my joy unless I let them!

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
10:47 am

Chink, s/o recently said to me “i just want to make you happy”. i told him i was happy when he found me and have been happy ever since and plan on staying that way, but i luv that he adds to my joy.

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
10:49 am

internal happiness is priceless and as I said yesterday it goes beyond that surface definition of feelings and emotions…..for me that is….its a sense of security with oneself and I just continue to build on it….it is many levels highs and lows to this concept to me but it starts within…

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:50 am

then once the layers of a person begin to be peeled away

SexyCool, before I run out to get some bread, eggs and milk (LOL) I want to make this statement, IMO those under layers are the things that cannot be destroyed by an outside force and something that it does not take an outside force to provide.

When you care about a person that is something that is within you. Something that cannot be taken or stolen away. As well as something that you don’t have to buy.

Someone can come today and take away my husband’s business. Steal all of his money. Douse him with acid and take away his gorgeous face. But no one can reach into his heart and spirit and take away his nature of caring.

We as human entities should seek those things that are not easily altered by the removal of material possessions or physical images. If someone can come take it away making your mate less desirable or if it has to be obtained it is probably not a good thing to have at the top of your list.

I guess you all get what I am trying to say here. I hope it makes sense. I don’t have time to reread it. I have to run out for a while.

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
10:56 am

kimmie, yeah because sometimes “good” is relative.

Raqi, my aunt a few years ago really got me to start thinking about what really makes up a “good man”, in a relationship/friendship sense. Because everyone is concerned with the outer stuff initially because thats all we can go on at first. Looks, steady employment, decent living situation(own place and not living with mom), yes some education is important to me cause I really don’t know of many high school dropouts that have not only steady but sustainable employment. Transportation is important – you don’t have to drive a Benz but we’re not in high school so at least have something to get you from point A to B. I would not do well with an atheist and I’m not converting to a Muslim or Buddist or Jehovah’s Witness so some spiritual compatiability is important to me. Yes, a pleasing personality is desireable – I’m generally a happy person so likewise would be nice.

I say all that to say that when we make lists, the basic stuff might seem superficial and don’t guarantee a person is relationship-material, but lack some of those things and they suddenly become extremely relevant. So I look for those basic things first and then as I get to know a person, I weed them out for more important reasons, such as honesty and selflessness and kindness, respectfulness and consideration, law-abiding, no adictions to drugs.

My aunt has a friend that was jumping thru hoops dealing with a very selfish, mean dude. But her friend kept saying he was a “good man”. My aunt was like okay, he’s not a serial killer, but what makes him so “good” to you?

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
10:57 am

If at first sight a girl does
not make such a deep
impression on a person that
she awakens the ideal,
then ordinarily the
actuality is not especially
desirable; but if she does,
then no matter how
experienced a person is he
usually is rather
overwhelmed.
—SØREN KIERKEGAARD, THE
SEDUCER’S DIARY, TRANSLATED
BY HOWARD V. HONG AND
EDNA H. HONG

Randyt (tomorrow Rome, next weekend ATL for awhile)

June 10th, 2010
10:57 am

A small point that is hard to deal with…

When I first started dating after my divorce, a lady acquainted me with a term I had never heard before, but have experienced many times since, a “near miss”, one that is “almost, but not quite” what you are looking for. One of the problems with dating is when you start dating someone, and he/she (depending upon your orientation), appears to be exactly what you are looking for early on, but you eventually realize that person is “almost, but not quite” what need in your life. Then extrication is tough, if you have any compassion.

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
10:58 am

Women have served all
these centuries as looking
glasses possessing the magic
and delicious power of
reflecting the figure of a
man at twice its natural
size.
—VIRGINIA WOOLF, A ROOM
OF ONE’S OWN

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
11:00 am

Each of us carries inside us an ideal, either of what we would like to be¬
come, or of what we want another person to be for us. This ideal goes
back to our earliest years—to what we once felt was missing in our lives,
what others did not give to us, what we could not give to ourselves. Maybe
we were smothered in comfort, and we long for danger and rebellion. If we
want danger but it frightens us, perhaps we look for someone who seems at
home with it. Or perhaps our ideal is more elevated—we want to be more
creative, nobler, and kinder than we ever manage to be. Our ideal is some¬
thing we feel is missing inside us.
Our ideal may be buried in disappointment, but it lurks underneath,
waiting to be sparked. If another person seems to have that ideal quality, or
to have the ability to bring it out in us, we fall in love.

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
11:01 am

Randy – I can relate to your 1057a. Because like I’ve said before, “Letting someone down easy is not that easy.”

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
11:05 am

@Ideal Lover I am feeling that 11am post…..it goes way back……

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
11:05 am

@Kym ~ I am??? Wow!!

We as human entities should seek those things that are not easily altered by the removal of material possessions or physical images!

AMEN! Too many look at the body type, the height, the bank account, whether the car is nice or not and forget about looking at the being, the essence of a person. Materialistic items are great to have, but I would rather have your heart in tune w/mine, your arms around me because I’m your magnet, and your desire to always want to do good by me because you admire and respect that I want to do the same for you. We can only grow with that type of a foundation.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
11:05 am

Ideal do you happen to have any of your own orignal ideas about the topic and not stuff you copy and paste?

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
11:07 am

@Leggs its okay..I am honored you were thinking about me.

It's me....lurker

June 10th, 2010
11:12 am

Ideal do you happen to have any of your own orignal ideas about the topic and not stuff you copy and paste?

Heck at least take the brackets and stuff out so you can appear to contribute…LOL

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
11:12 am

you eventually realize that person is “almost, but not quite” what need in your life. Then extrication is tough, if you have any compassion.

Been there and done that…and it’s never been good b/c leaving is tough and I end up looking like the bad guy. To stay would mean wasting more of my time but the other person rarely saw it like that. Lately men(really just two) from my past have shown up in my life expecting us to have now what we could’ve had then but I don’t want that or them. Both are dealing with divorce but I feel like why me and why me NOW and not THEN. They’re all bitter,broken and just broke and I don’t want that…..I’m not anybody’s afterthought..nor will I allow myself to be treated as such. Not happenin’…

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
11:12 am

Excellent post, Ideal! I’m definitely experiencing what you’re saying.

Chink

June 10th, 2010
11:14 am

When I was talking to a friend of mine …we decided I was getting closer to the one by meeting the “almost, but not quite”.

Every relationship usually gets better than the last for me…so I use that gauge to tell me I am making progress in my selection process I just need some more tweeking for the next one.

Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.

Pappa Rappa

June 10th, 2010
11:15 am

Lemmie tell ya what I want-what I really, really want…………

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
11:23 am

The best line is:

Babe, if I don’t feel it I ain’t faking No, no!!

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
11:25 am

Sound like somebody a look for di rude boi early….so gwan wid it,nuh…

Randyt (tomorrow Rome, next weekend ATL for awhile)

June 10th, 2010
11:29 am

@ Chink, Sassy, and Sexy

I’ve had the “near miss” (where I had to let them go) and I’ve been the “near miss” (where they had to let me go). Both are painful. When I’ve been the “near miss”, I’ve always wondered what he/she (the one who she left me for) brought to the table that I didn’t. I do try to tell myself though what the lady also told me, “if it is not right for one, it is not right for either”. Doesn’t totally take the sting away initially, but eventually I accepted the wisdom of that in all that didn’t quite work.

The ones that I feel sorry for are those that never quite get over the rejection. Sooner or later you have to “let it go” and realize that it was not right for you either…or any future relationship will be poisoned.

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
11:31 am

i do have my own ideas…but its something i read that fits what we are talking about…k

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
11:43 am

Randy I’ve had near miss after near miss and I find myself being the one to do the “letting go”….which has led me to where I am now. I’m not actively seeking but am open to the new and exciting things that will happen. I also realize that I must step out of my box/comfort zone and am making moves in that direction. I just wonder if it’s something that I’m doing or have done that makes my exes want to come back…..keep hearing the woulda,coulda,shoulda …blah blah blah…enough already.

For Real (Alive and Kickin)

June 10th, 2010
11:46 am

“When we meet someone who appears to have the majority of these qualities, we get excited. Now the questions are: is that what you truly wanted?” – LMAO!!! Now do you see why I say females are IRRATIONAL as hellz?????

So let me see if I got this right Wise, YOU develop a list of PREFERENCS and based upon YOUR list now YOU are wondering “if this is what YOU truly want”. Can y’all (females) see how you get in your own way? Why is it soooo hard for females to know what they want? Have yall (females) thought about not focusing so much on what you don’t want?

KP: Now do you see why women are not the key ingredient in a successful relationship? The flakiest dude in the world doesn’t compare to the level of inconsistency provided by a woman.

Mrs. Tazzee the Newlywed

June 10th, 2010
11:47 am

Morning Folks!

My list was a starting point to consider dating a man but I relied on time and pressure to show me if the man was truly the one for me. Most of the items on my list could be discerned within a week or two.

Consistency has always been key for me and when a man started to change up in the things that I deemed important it was time to move on.

It’s funny that this is the topic today – yesterday I was going through some of my old blog posts and I found one where I made a job listing I created for my potential mate. As I read my lists of must haves and would like to haves I had to laugh because my husband met all the requirements. I wrote that 5 years ago, LOL.

For Real (I Can Live with or without you)

June 10th, 2010
11:52 am

“Each of us carries inside us an ideal, either of what we would like to become, or of what we want another person to be for us.” – WTF!!! It’s this kind of dribble-drabble (shout to Mr. T) that keeps yall confused. Here try this, take a mirror and tell yourself the TRUTH concern 10 things about yourself.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
11:53 am

Well Tazzee …write the vision and make it plain..

And since we are quoting books and stuff..The Secret discuss the law of atttraction..putting out there what you want..focusing on what you want and letting the universe do the rest.

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
12:00 pm

That’s wonderful Taz! Even though I never really have had a written list, I know what I’m looking for and it seems I’ve found those things in the person I’m seeing now.

Kym – Yes, the law of attraction is very real, I believe.

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
12:00 pm

For Real – but I thought you lubbed me? :cry:

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
12:01 pm

Are those not lyrics from a song by the Spice Girls? LOL

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
12:03 pm

Taz – That reminds me, I did a list on my blog some years back. Let me go find it and see how TheDude measures up.

Also, Taz, I’m going to send you an email.

Mrs. Tazzee the Newlywed

June 10th, 2010
12:03 pm

Kym – You got that right! The funny thing is, I totally forgot about that. I wrote it as a response to a guy that asked if he could apply for the position to be my mate. And here I was walking around saying that I’d never really put together a list of what I wanted – that I just periodically made mention of it. I actually had a list :shock:

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:04 pm

Now do you see why women are not the key ingredient in a successful relationship?

?????

So umm are you in a relationship?…with a woman? How does your mother come into play here?…are you a victim like DMX and just never recovered now your “hurt lil boy syndrome” has manifested itself into this dry, acrid entity. Do you even like women?…it’s cool if you don’t ’cause that’s how you read…which would explain alot…. :lol:

Mrs. Tazzee the Newlywed

June 10th, 2010
12:06 pm

SCool – I’ll be looking for that email. BTW, I got the pictures. Only looked at them from my phone and I love the crowd shots. Thanks!

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:07 pm

My list was a starting point to consider dating a man but I relied on time and pressure to show me if the man was truly the one for me. Most of the items on my list could be discerned within a week or two.Consistency has always been key for me and when a man started to change up in the things that I deemed important it was time to move on

Worth repeating…that’s real talk…

mytw♥cents

June 10th, 2010
12:10 pm

I’m me from the gate… Can’t be bothered with the subterfuge and it’s too time consuming. No amount of Spanx, make up or acting will conceal who I authentically am cuz ultimately, I’m lit from within & I’ll be exposed anyway… Nowhere to hide.
Of course, I’m much more self aware at 34 than I was at 24 and can see what I THOUGHT I wanted then is what I really want now. An intense connection just scared me cuz too many of these dudes will literally luv u 2 death! But now I’m better at discerning between crazy in love & just plain crazy.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
12:12 pm

@mytwo ~ Your internal light shines brightly on the outside!!!

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
12:14 pm

Just for the FUN of entertaining the blame the other sex discussion. Wise Diva gave an example of male friends complaining that women change up on them after reaching permanent status. That’s cwaaazy and IRRATIONAL.

Why are men always so surprised about the women they have chosen? She just changed?? You know good and well aint nothing changed but your perception of her…which can too often be easily influenced by dang near anything around you.

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:17 pm

Dos Centavos excellent post,chica… Let your light shine!!

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
12:17 pm

Luvbug – If you didn’t, check out the posts late yesterday from “Charlie Wax”. He said men bore easy, so maybe changing up on them is good!LOL!!!!

For Real (Hush Voices Carry)

June 10th, 2010
12:19 pm

Slim: You know I lub you long tyme.

Luvbug: U2

Sassy: Awwww Junk I guess you told me huh? Get out here with that 2nd grade reverse psych ish. Your mother my mother (female period) are irrational. Just look at your response but if you want “jones” just let me know I’m game.

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
12:20 pm

Found my lists – I wrote two different posts about a month apart, almost six years ago.

TheDude is all of those things and then some. Wow.

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:21 pm

You know good and well aint nothing changed but your perception of her…which can too often be easily influenced by dang near anything around you.

Exactly…..then when the rose colored glasses come off they’re walking around all dazed n confused like Harpo?….who dis woman? You knew what you had all along but was prolly blinded by something superficial like looks or a phat booty…

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:24 pm

No I didn’t tell you anything…what I did was ask</emK you some questions…..I notice noe of which you answered….so maybe that in itself was an anwwer. It's okay boo boo… :lol:

Black Magic Woman

June 10th, 2010
12:24 pm

Randy….I and sooo afraid of of marriage period. Hell I get scared at the mention of a relationship. I get this tight feeling in my chest at the thought. Marriage seems so final and permanent.

On topic….I have a preferences list! Granted it’s not a Chilli list. But I know what I like….and each time I have tried to go against it…I get bit in the butt…and I don’t mean in a good way. So I will keep it and not settle. Number one…physical attraction is most important. If I am not attracted to you….you will nver be more than my friend. I don’t wanna barf at the thought of kissing or laying with you. Number two…sincerity (honest & trustworthy)! Number three….SANE! I am nuts enough….I do not help in that department. :lol: Number four….financially stable. I’m allergic to broke dudes! :lol: He doesn’t have to take care of me but he damn sure can’t be looking in my face for money, a place to crash or to use my car…in other words……A LOOZA-FACE! Number five….no more than one kid….that is my compromise because I used to only date guys with none! Number six….educated and intelligent. I don’t do ignorant or stupid! I think that is it….

For Real (Send Me an Angel)

June 10th, 2010
12:24 pm

Luvbug: Nothing in my any of my post blame women. I simply stated how irrational it is for someone to develop a list and then question if they want what’s on the list. To your question yeah why are men and women suprised by the person they choose? Do a better job on the front end and they wouldn’t be sitting there looking sideways at their choice.

Luvbug

June 10th, 2010
12:26 pm

LOL Kimmie. I stand corrected Real. You like to mix it up, so you’re in the minority. :lol:

Sassy Me....If you ask me I'm ready :-)

June 10th, 2010
12:27 pm

For real I didn’t tell you anything….what I did was ask you some questions… none of which you’ve answered….then again maybe that in itself was/is the answer….it’s okay boo boo.

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
12:28 pm

women do change up..just like men….we get lazy…there are no instruction what to do when the lust has worn off…by them comfort as set in..thats why

kimmie…yes men bore easy…i bore after the second sex episode…so i find other things to like about the woman…i know my achilles heel…new cat….so i start to suggest things or do things to keep ish fresh…like hitting washington farms or date night at the glass studio….or get out of town…etc…so if her imagination is challenge i become the change so she can see how i like to do things…