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The truth about dating preferences

We all have our wish list of things we would like to see in a date.  We may not list them all on paper but there are unspoken things that we think about all the time.  When we meet someone who appears to have the majority of these qualities, we get excited.  Now the questions are: is that what you truly wanted?  Are you really into him or her or is it the image of them that gets your blood pumping?

I really think this is a common issue that plagues singles, including me.  It is so easy to get caught up in each others’ representative and outer shell because that is what we are projecting and revealing to people we meet and date.  A lot of men complain to me that their woman changed after they got in an exclusive relationship.  I think it is more about her feeling comfortable enough to show the real parts of her then changing to a different person.  Men do the same thing too.

When it is so easy to get caught up in image, how do you think our dating preferences hinder our chances of building relationships? What happens when you are in to the person because they meet your list of dating preferences and then their real personality shows up?  From your experiences, were you still interested in them or was it just the image of them?

I think the same question can be asked about love and marriage.  Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it?  Discuss.

221 comments Add your comment

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
8:27 am

Good Morning!!! ;)

This is a great self awareness topic!!!! :)

Be right back shortly!!!!

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
8:55 am

GM All!

i’m confused. are we talking about seeing a different side of someone early on in the getting-to-know-you process or after things have become “exclusive”? if it’s early on, it should be fairly easy to say your good-byes and well wishes; if it happens later, i’d say what you do depends on what you want from the relationship.

it’s to be expected that the longer you’re with someone the more situations will arise where you get to see other aspects of who they are. communication and adjustment should get you through.

if you find that the person is simply NOT what you expected (or if your true self starts making unscheduled appearances :lol: ), then it’s clearly time to stop playing games before someone gets hurt.

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
8:56 am

When it is so easy to get caught up in image, how do you think our dating preferences hinder our chances of building relationships? My preference does hinder my dating experiences. I am looking for this white collar, balanced, well rounded beyond education who leaves work @ work, with major social skills in group settings and alone, integrity, and so on……What I fall short of is who they truly are their REAL and I mean REAL personality that goes beyond the resume type order I listed above…..You come to find out that some are more damn moody than a woman (won’t use emotional as they claim we are), scheming for no damn reason (just the games one plays to see how far they can get without putting the work or time in), after the fact they will freely tell you want they want which is funny bc you would think that same adult would converse that in the first encounter, and the list goes on…..I do assume a certain man should act a certain way especially by a certain age and it is a fault I am working on bc the end results are disappointing when I put so much stock into qualities that don’t meant jack when the basics are compromised IMO…..
What happens when you are in to the person because they meet your list of dating preferences and then their real personality shows up? The disappearing acts follows on both ends…yeah I am guilty of it too…it happens to the best of us go figure! LOL
From your experiences, were you still interested in them or was it just the image of them? Not interested so much but curious as to “WHY”…..as some know I like to ask many questions and the new profession I am entering is a questions based profession so I want to dig below the surface and figure out the brain but you know that is far fetched and cool but it leaves many ??????? behind….my point is who has time or energy to be fake after a certain point in your life…..
I think the same question can be asked about love and marriage. Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it? Yes I really want love and commitment and lately all I have is the idea and as one pointed out the songs to back it up and it is all good! LOL!!!! A quick fix will never work with love and commitment and loving for the moment is #dead…..so I am in the valley chillin’ and taking notes and coming across some interesting characters in the meantime which is teaching me more about me…..An emotional rollercoaster indeed!

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
8:57 am

worth repeating czBrat and good morning to ya!!!!!

if you find that the person is simply NOT what you expected (or if your true self starts making unscheduled appearances ), then it’s clearly time to stop playing games before someone gets hurt.

Kevin O

June 10th, 2010
9:03 am

“I am in the valley chillin’ and taking notes and coming across some interesting characters in the meantime which is teaching me more about me…..An emotional rollercoaster indeed!”

Finding true love isn’t about one’s self. True love rather is selfless. However, until you know who you completely are, you can’t give yourself to someone.

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
9:04 am

~Love and doubt have never been on speaking terms~

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
9:05 am

You are right Kevin that is why I am in the valley with ME so again I do now it is not my time as I so want it to be! Self awareness is key and I don’t mind being true about me! good assessment sir! :)

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
9:07 am

~The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose~

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
9:18 am

Good morning,

One mo’ dayum day till the weekend. Will check back in a few….

SlimSlow

June 10th, 2010
9:20 am

Things start to get more real after that first loud fart is let go in the presence of the other person. Believe dat! ;-)

Carry

June 10th, 2010
9:21 am

@Kevin O- There is something about the Valley that has so much value- I met my SO when I was in a Valley. I was a mess, not ready for a relationship at all, but I was also exposed, i was such a mess that there was no representative to send! He saw my need as a friend and gave me the space I need to gather my fragments. No, we did not start a relationship right away, but he got to know the real me- I couldn’t hide it. He waited for me because in all that he knew, he knew my heart. I guess the lesson here for me was in the fragility of my life, I was able to be more myself than at any other time.

UberFanGirl

June 10th, 2010
9:29 am

You pose some interesting questions!

As someone who was (until relatively recently) single for a few years, I definitely put a lot of time into considering what I wanted from a significant other. Before my self-inforced relationship hiatus, I was suffering from revolving door syndrom, and it was totally down to getting myself involved with people because I liked the idea of being in a relationship. Once I recognized that, I decided to get comfortable with being single, and then I started to love it! Approaching 30, I decided I was only going to go in for an exclusive, serious thing if it was with someone I was very compatible with and excited about because of THEM, not because of the prospect of being a couple.

After a while, I met someone that just knocked my socks right off, and he continues to do so on a daily basis.

That said, I think once you find someone you can really connect with and who doesn’t make you want to scream on a regular basis, it is worth putting a bit of effort in to make sure those differences you do have at times don’t ruin the amazing thing you have the rest of the time. As you get to know someone fully, you might have to compromise on the little things (like enduring 30 days of World Cup soccer) in order to have and enjoy the bigger picture (curling partner for life!)

Thanks for the great read :)

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
9:35 am

Good Morning All,

I am only going to deal with the whole relationship want or dont want question..the other question is a bit too deep for me this early in the morning.

One of the reason for my committment phobia is I am not really sure if I want it just to say I have it or because I want all that a committed relationship has to offer. In other words, Am I ready to give up me to share my life, family, space, with a man for the rest of my life? Did I mention space? I think that is an important question to ask yourself. Now some would say you are not giving up you..you are adding to you..well I don’t see it that way. For a relationship to work…there has to be some mutual give and take..while I maybe willing to give..if I am giving 100% and ole dude is only at 99.5% well..that just won’t do!
I would also say if I am not feeling it 100% then that’s a wrap..why waste his time and mine?

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
9:52 am

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly; “Tis dearness only that gives everything its value.”

Chink

June 10th, 2010
9:53 am

Morning

What happens when you are in to the person because they meet your list of dating preferences and then their real personality shows up?

I don’t mind the real person showing up …what I don’t like is the inconsistencies. Yes I expect to see some changes as time progresses but I can’t deal with is daily changes where the person almost becomes impossible to decipher.

Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it?

I don’t know ..good question. I think more than anything I want someone I can respect and admire.

Run4Life

June 10th, 2010
9:58 am

Ladies, your dating woes sound so familiar. I am definitely in the valley; however, I have been taking the wrong path. I have dated good, sound, boring guys just to have someone to hang out with and to make me feel pretty. And also dated bad boys. The good guys could add stability to my life (not because of their finances but just to have someone to bounce life issues), but I just don’t get excited about them. When I meet guys whom I’m excited about, they are just not ready to commit to anyone. They are just having fun (aka bad boy). So I quickly let that go because I know in the long run I will be the one with my heart out there. Perhaps I do need time alone, but GOOOSH that is so lonely. Especially now when the kid is away for the summer, and I can have some fun.

Randyt (tomorrow Rome, next weekend ATL for awhile)

June 10th, 2010
10:02 am

Hello All,

I want to chime in on my experiences (not stories today so you are lucky).

1) I rule women out based on appearance first (ashamed to admit I am this shallow), however I KNOW I am attracted to the the light makeup, girl next door, fresh faced, minimal makeup type. I KNOW I am turned off by the size 14, the Glamour Shots type, or anyone who is afrqaid to get her hair and lipstick mussed.

2) does the lady have a heart. I don’t need or want an “attitude” type, I want someone who is gracious and courteous when she does not HAVE to be. Unfortuanately this takes awhile to determine. Looks are an easy shecklist, heart is much harder to discern.

3) I don’t want either a lady who thinks she is boss, nor do I want a clinging vine.

Simply, just want the perfect woman…and taking applications.

Re: commitment. I am not afraid of commitment at all, but I am scared to death of marriage (or maybe marrying the wrong person again) so it is somewhat a matter of degree.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
10:02 am

Good morning. Everyone is making great points.

My internal list is my gut instinct. Behind what’s seen on the surface, I need to feel secure with you in public as well as one on one. I need to respect you and see that you respect me. As time goes by, I expect the real person to surface, but I don’t expect that person to be too much different than the one I met for the very first time!!!

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
10:04 am

I am not really sure if I want it just to say I have it or because I want all that a committed relationship has to offer. In other words, Am I ready to give up me to share my life, family, space, with a man for the rest of my life?

great post Kym. i’ve never been one to get involved with a man just to say i have a man. having a mutually fulfilling relationship is key! i am constantly aware of the work you must put into a relationship to make is seem so effortless. the fact that you’re aware of the difference shows true maturity.

and for those who were talking about a braves game a while back:
http://www.travelzoo.com/entertainment/more/828777/?utm_source=top20_us&utm_medium=email_top20

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:05 am

Good Morning Blog Fam!!! :-D

@ czBrat: I’m with you on cutting your losses early on in the relationship. There’s no need to hold on to someone not worth holding on to.

@ Lady J: Your 8:56 is dead on!!!

When it is so easy to get caught up in image, how do you think our dating preferences hinder our chances of building relationships?

Dating preferences change as the individual changes. When you have UNREALISTIC preferences you will build an UNREALISTIC relationship. When the TRUE person shows up it is up to you to make a REALISTIC DECISION on whether or not you are going to stay in the relationship. Everyone has their LIMIT of what they will & will NOT deal with, so if you are willing to go against COMMON SENSE & WISDOM and stay with the REPRESENTATIVE, go ahead & let me know how that works out for you. . .

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:08 am

Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it?

I really want the LOVE & COMMITMENT. I see too many ppl with just the IDEA of it and while it LOOKS good for awhile, sooner or later all hell breaks loose and it’s NOT a pretty.

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
10:09 am

I am not afraid of commitment at all, but I am scared to death of marriage (or maybe marrying the wrong person again) so it is somewhat a matter of degree.

well said Randyt. and i think your “want” list is very reasonable. :)

czBrat

June 10th, 2010
10:10 am

Run4Life, do yourself a huge favor and spend time enjoying YOU.

Wise Diva

June 10th, 2010
10:12 am

Good morning lovelies!

hey Lady J! *waves* I guess it is a self-awareness topic, LOL no fun right!?

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:14 am

@ Leggs: I am so vibing with your 10:02. There’s nothing like that SECURE feeling. . .

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
10:14 am

Thanks Ms Moni!!!!

Waving back Wise Diva!!!! Most don’t like dealing with self…telling others about their selves is easier and distracts them from their flaws….it is what it is! LOL

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
10:14 am

Morning People!

Everyone is making some good points. I am trying to get over some leftover road rage because my commute was ridiculous this morning. All this is a little deep for me to comment on right now. I’ll catch up later.

Oh, belt test went great last night! The black belt is getting closer!

Carry

June 10th, 2010
10:16 am

@Randy ~ Wow your #1 was part of my representative, thinking I had to be glamed up all the time. That was one of the things about myself that I have worked on. don’t get me wrong, I can do heels hair and make up with the best of them, but my SO got to know me without the bells and whistles…that was refreshing for me.

I guess I say to say ~ just because you meet a woman that way – don’t assume that’s all there is to her.

Chink

June 10th, 2010
10:16 am

yes I am scared of marrying the wrong person….

Moni

Everyone has their LIMIT of what they will & will NOT deal with, so if you are willing to go against COMMON SENSE & WISDOM and stay with the REPRESENTATIVE, go ahead & let me know how that works out for you.

I agree with you but sometimes that does take time to realize because sometimes that deal breaker don’t show until 9 months in and then you see if you can work it out and then 5 months later you realize it can’t be resolved …but I would say no longer than 2 yrs.

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:18 am

WiseDiva, I think the biggest problem is looking good on paper does not mean possessing the potentials to be a good mate. We have gone thru the many entries on here of the long laundry lists that we each feel we want but many of those traits on the list really have nothing to do with what it takes to be in a relationship. Being successful, humorous, independent and highly educated does not a good mate make. So I would say many need to reassess those list and look for those traits that one should have that gives a better chance of them being a good partner in a union. If that’s what they want.

As far as this -> “Is it really love and commitment we want or is it the idea of it?” is concerned, last night at VBS we were having a discussion and I said that when it comes to relationships the one thing I love more than being married is being in love my husband.

We have our off days but I love being in love with him and I love that he makes me happy.

Him making me happy, makes me make him happy, which leads him to make sure I am happy, bringing on the desire for me to do all I can to make him happy, insuring our happiness.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
10:20 am

@Wisey we all need to do a quick reality check now and again.

Its wedding season. Alot of my friends are running back and forth to weddings and the whole “What about me blues can set in.” It’s important to think about..am I really looking for love to say I have it or because I want to be love? If you are looking for love because you want to have a pretty dress and dress your dearest friends up to look like giant easter eggs..then I would say you are looking for all the wrong reasons. But if you are looking TO LOVE and TO BE LOVE well now you are on the right track. Oh yeah and if you are not comfortable loving yourself(not a sexual reference) then how can you expect someone else to love you?

Carry

June 10th, 2010
10:20 am

@ Diva & Lady J ~ Yep, sometimes we point the gun on everyone but Ourselves ~ criticizing and giving advice. But as my mother used to say, “ask yourself”.

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:22 am

@ Chink: Just make sure your eyes are open & TRY to focus on the person and not the bells & whistles. I’ve been there & have since implemented the Miss Moni’s Relationship Re-evaluation which is conducted every 6 months. :-D

Melo

June 10th, 2010
10:24 am

Morning??

What does every day luv look like to uall single pple,in ur imaginations??

what are ur every day expectations from a loved one??

Good morning folks! :-)

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
10:25 am

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
10:25 am

WiseDiva, I think the biggest problem is looking good on paper does not mean possessing the potentials to be a good mate.

Raqi I so agree with this. I’ve undergone criticism from folks when I let go of a seemingly “good man”. Yeah, he looked good on paper and to the outside world! But you’d be surprised how many “good people” don’t have a clue of what it takes to make a successful relationship. Some people are very difficult to get along with. They need to find the right fit, which might not be easy. In the meantime, they are probably a good person, just not good for me. So I’m not wasting time trying to make something work just cause he’s supposed to be a “good man” and I’m single. No can do.

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:25 am

People really don’t change as much as others would want you to believe. The thing is after getting into it you see the stuff that is between the lines and scribbled on the back. Sometimes we blind ourselves by the image and miss what is really there.

A lot of the things you will find at the top of the list of most singles looking today I guarantee are those traits that most pretentious person you meet will possess.

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
10:26 am

Carry-Michael Jackson’s song “Man in the Mirror” says it all!!!!! I stand by that change to make a world a better place change you that is the “ONLY” person you are responsible for and can dictate the end results to adventures and misadventures…It starts with you and I have ran from me a long time….that is why today it is my daily testimony bc I am discovering me and I am not half bad as I assumed but at one point I ran from my own shadow and I will NEVER be afraid to say that!!! It makes me a better person to remain humble and grateful for what is on the other side for me! All in love!

Miss Moni

June 10th, 2010
10:27 am

@ Raqi: Sometimes we blind ourselves by the image and miss what is really there.

So very TRUE!!!

Real Men Speak!

June 10th, 2010
10:28 am

Happy? Being happy is an emotional feeling and reaction based on circumstances. This is why it is utterly important to unite for PURPOSE and not for FEELINGS! Your feelings changed, now you’re unhappy and considering throwing in the towel? It don’t work like that. Know WHY you’re together and be about the business of purpose and not sheer happiness. I ain’t happy when it rains, but I ain’t about to kill myself over a few showers:-)

kimmie

June 10th, 2010
10:29 am

dress your dearest friends up to look like giant easter eggs.

Kym – Love it!LOL!!! I decided many years ago I was not going to do that to my friends! And no, I’m not going to be able to shorten it and wear it again!

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:31 am

Happiness is not a feeling, it’s a state of mind. Love is not a feeling it’s an action.

Leggs

June 10th, 2010
10:31 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR KYM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

Ideal Lover

June 10th, 2010
10:33 am

Most
people have dreams in their
youth that get shattered or worn
down with age. They find themselves dis¬
appointed by people, events, reality, which can¬
not match their youthful ideals. Ideal Lovers thrive
on people’s broken dreams, which become lifelong
fantasies. You long for romance? Adventure? Lofty
spiritual communion? The Ideal Lover reflects your
fantasy. He or she is an artist in creating the illu¬
sion you require, idealizing your portrait. In a
world of disenchantment and baseness,
there is limitless seductive power in
following the path of the
Ideal Lover.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
10:33 am

LOL Leggs you one month to early Ladybug!!! But thank you in advance!!!

Lady J-Stay true to thy own self!

June 10th, 2010
10:35 am

it takes time to get to points in your life of truly knowing……exploring that process more gives a base for the greatness on the other side….

SexyCool - Live. Laugh. Love.

June 10th, 2010
10:36 am

If your dating preferences includes values that are important to you and are based on things other than what is superficial, then once the layers of a person begin to be peeled away, you should find someone who is still very similar to what you perceived them to be at the beginning.

One thing that I am learning about TheDude is that he is not just who he appears to be. He is many layers and as I discover more and more about him and I get closer to his core, I realize that I love all him – faults and flaws included. Because without his shortcomings, he would not be who he is.

Raqi

June 10th, 2010
10:38 am

kimmie, yeah because sometimes “good” is relative.

You know a person that is selfish (I know Poppa we all are selfish to a degree) IMO does not make a good mate. Relationships are about give and take and if you want it all for yourself not considering the needs of your mate you probably are not a good candidate for any type of long lasting relationships.

Caring, loyalty, accomodating are things that are to be desired in a mate that usually don’t show up in the columns under smart, educated, and humor.

Real Men Speak!

June 10th, 2010
10:39 am

Raqi – Today if that’s how i see it that how it is! As Diva said ~self reflection ain’t always no fun.

Kym-They don't teach us the ABC's..

June 10th, 2010
10:42 am

Totally off topic..and I maybe a day late..but I love this guy..K’NAAN singer from Somali..he has a rapp with Chubb Rock..Love it!! His album is called Troubadour…ok back to your regularly scheduled blog..already in progress.