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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Let’s Wait A While – Are You Worth The Wait?

I am excited about getting new voices on the Misadventures in Atlanta blog. Variety is the spice of life! I decided to recruit more people to be featured on our corner of AJC.COM so if you are interested in being part of the Sizzling Summer’s Love Squad blog panel let me know!

Today I asked KP from Chat Kafe (http://www.chatkafeonline.com, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com), a reader and occasional commenter on Misadventures in Atlanta blog to guest blog for me.  If you are not familiar with him, he is a relationship coach.  I know some of you are fans of his and others, not so much.  His perspective is refreshing to me.

Whatever you feel about him, I hope you will welcome him and be open to what he has to say.  We can always agree to disagree but it’s important to listen!

In 1986, Janet Jackson came out with a popular hit titled “Let’s Wait A While” that took the country by storm. The words of the hit song used to epitomize the approach that ‘quality’ women took when dealing with men in dating and relationships. Unfortunately, things have shifted from “Let’s Wait A While” to a “have-to-have it” mentality.

The modern day approach is pretty predictable and standard. Man meets woman. They exchange information. They go out. Man taps into the mind of the woman. Proper mind tapping results in an open heart and open body experience. It’s usually that easy. Tupac stated it best in his song “I Get Around” when he said, “I don’t want it if that’s easy!” This can be better translated as “I won’t want YOU if it’s that easy!”

Now there is nothing wrong with the above formula as long as it’s with the person you are destined to spend your life with. However, the above equation has gone from a Hollywood fairytale experience, to a merry-go-round experience with the flavor of the week. Would you share your retirement account with someone who isn’t vested? Well, why treat your personal treasure with someone who isn’t licensed? Hmmm…

Women: Have women taken on a more male-minded mentality when it comes to sex? Do women have a ‘probation’ period before they release themselves physically to someone they’re dating? Why NOT make men wait for the prize if you believe it’s worth it?

Men: Why don’t men take a “Let’s Wait A While” approach when dealing with women? Do men not respect women who make a commitment to saving their treasure for marriage?

390 comments Add your comment

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
10:49 am

Dear QT, Please have the black cherry smoothie machine ready when I get there for my .49 cent drink today. Yesterday I had to settle for a melon berry, white cherry, lemonade combo..and while good..it was not the same.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Kym

Melo

June 4th, 2010
10:49 am

Why do you guys take issue when a woman wants to upgrade her lifestyle?

@Kimmie??

that english word,CREDIBILITY

thats why its safe,if u have that kinda of credibility,man or woman :arrow: skip town and start afresh, elsehwere.

Coz the bottom line is everbody is looking out for their own interests,me included…

If u now with Jesus,rest assured Jesus will roll with u.

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
10:51 am

Professor, someone is using my Purple status. LOL I like the name Kym gave me. :)

Kym, :) How are you?

Luvbug

June 4th, 2010
10:51 am

Knowing the history of many of my happily married and coupled up brethren, what rules??

You can wait if you want…give it up day one if you want…take your internal traffic light and flick it everywhichaway if you want. Reality tells me that it has little bearing on who will and won’t be in a healthy (leaning compatible) long term relationship.

I agree with I am. It shouldn’t be used as a bargaining tool…and (IMO) I don’t think women should be raised to measure their worth by their vagina.

As for me, I’m not in the mood right now. There’s really no waiting until the right one comes along or calculated plan…but I’m still gonna sex flirt on here when I feel like it…no matter how it reads. :lol:

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
10:53 am

@Purple Rain..I am good..its Friday..I have a great weekend planned and I am feeling most grateful today!!

AmazonRed™ - That's 1. Go Lakers!

June 4th, 2010
10:53 am

AmazonRed™ – That’s 1. Go Lakers! relax you are like everybody else trying to get at KP. Really flirting in the newspaper, are you really that desperate? I guess so.

J-Smooth – I got a man, so you can crawl back into your hole now.

How some of y’all simpleton’s reach your silly conclusions is beyond me. :lol: Folks can’t even be friendly nowadays. :arrow:

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
10:55 am

kimmie, I have no issue with a woman or any person not making the same mistakes. They have to be able to live with themselves. If it is a real change it is real. Just don’t fool yourself, who cares what other people think. :)

kimmie

June 4th, 2010
10:56 am

Knowing the history of many of my happily married and coupled up brethren, what rules??

Luvbug – I agree. Most have just gone with what felt right at the time.

J-smoove

June 4th, 2010
10:58 am

ARed…Does your man have a woman? I think you are wide open. I want to be your friend. Can we be friendly? Buddy

kimmie

June 4th, 2010
10:58 am

kimmie, I have no issue with a woman or any person not making the same mistakes. They have to be able to live with themselves. If it is a real change it is real. Just don’t fool yourself, who cares what other people think.

Purple, I appreciate that. Especially the part about not caring what others think!

Melo

June 4th, 2010
10:58 am

Reality tells me that it has little bearing on who will and won’t be in a healthy (leaning compatible) long term relationship.

@Luvbug??

so u wont even try to be careful with what u pick just coz smebody else failed or is failing..??? and yet u dont even know what formed the basis of their decisions??

kimmie

June 4th, 2010
11:01 am

Melo – Thanks for your response.

AmazonRed™ - That's 1. Go Lakers!

June 4th, 2010
11:03 am

i look at it this way, the more male-minded women are out there, the more valuable i become.

czBrat – I sometimes want to thank Chilli. Her foolishness makes us non foolish women look like platinum compared to her! :lol:

mark

June 4th, 2010
11:04 am

for the first time in my life, i have taken a lets wait awhile approach after having a bad experience with a female that was not very sanitary if you know what i mean (yuck!) so now i am kinda afraid of the kitty and it is not my main reason for approaching a woman now but rather getting to know the person inside and hoping she is clean !

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
11:05 am

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
11:06 am

Mark, what does not very sanitary mean? She did not brush her teeth or something worse?

AmazonRed™ - That's 1. Go Lakers!

June 4th, 2010
11:06 am

Ewww @ mark!

kimmie

June 4th, 2010
11:07 am

mark – Unless you’re picking up somebody directly off of the street, waiting won’t make a difference if they truly don’t have clean habits!

Professor

June 4th, 2010
11:08 am

Mark should have done the navel test Swiss and Melo will teach you more about that…

AmazonRed™ - That's 1. Go Lakers!

June 4th, 2010
11:08 am

Purple Rain – Please don’t ask for details!

kimmie

June 4th, 2010
11:08 am

I see now we’re about to go down that disgusting road! :(

Luvbug

June 4th, 2010
11:09 am

Melo – I do care what I pick. I just don’t waist time trying to make it a rule for somebody else b/c many people I could have tried to advise to not be so loose are NOT in failing relationships but are currently in very successful marriages and long term relationships.

SlimPhatty

June 4th, 2010
11:10 am

mark – did she have bubble guts and didn’t get up all the backsplash off her booty do….

Trevor0529

June 4th, 2010
11:11 am

i have taken a lets wait awhile approach after having a bad experience with a female that was not very sanitary if you know what i mean (yuck!)

Mark, that is a nasty chick!!! UGH!!

Good Morning Everybody.

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
11:11 am

Mark, I will not ask anymore questions. LOL

KP (www.chatkafeonline.com)

June 4th, 2010
11:12 am

Going with what feels right has led to us to where we are today. Broken relationships, lack of commitment, temporary fulfillment, etc.

As a grown person, you have the right to do what you want to do. However, you have to be willing to deal with the consequences of your decisions manifesting in potential heartache.

Is heartache worth it because you allowed yourself to be attached to someone you weren’t supposed to be connected to?

Dopamine (the brain chemical that signals pleasure), is released from a woman during child birth, nursing of a child and orgasm. Those are supposed to be experiences shared in bringing something closer to you. The problem is our dopamine is being shared with every Tom, Dick, Jane or Janet. You have to be careful when you find yourself in relationships you can’t disconnect from. Don’t blame it on the alcohol…don’t blame it on the conversation…blame it on the dopamine :) .

Trevor0529

June 4th, 2010
11:13 am

did she have bubble guts and didn’t get up all the backsplash off her booty do….

Slim, you are going to make lose my appetite.
:shock: :)

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
11:15 am

Has anyone sent a evite using their facebook contact list..is there a way to pick and choose who you want to get the evite?

Luvbug

June 4th, 2010
11:15 am

Forgot…I’m usually careful and (oddly) enough the (naive) prude in my group, but that doesn’t mean I believe everyone should be like me or that I represent the best way to be.

Hell, life is as random as it comes. Everything aint for everybody…life aint fair…and I don’t have the formula.

AmazonRed™ - That's 1. Go Lakers!

June 4th, 2010
11:16 am

Going with what feels right has led to us to where we are today. Broken relationships, lack of commitment, temporary fulfillment, etc.

I agree.

One of my friends brought up an issue that one of his friends was facing. She wants a baby, and has commissioned a friend to have one with her. A long discussion ensued and folks posted their thoughts on why this was a good idea or a bad one.

My point was that she’s thinking more about herself than the long term effects this could have on her child. We keep watering down everything that nothing has value anymore.

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
11:17 am

@KP sorry are you advocating waiting until the two people get closer..as in develop a bonded relationship..or walk down the aisle to marriage land? Cause either of those can lead to heartache with or without sex.

kimmie

June 4th, 2010
11:19 am

KP – I also believe that when you’re raised right, when you KNOW what’s right, what feels right will BE right, and that can go for everything in life, not just intimacy.

Raqi

June 4th, 2010
11:21 am

Know yourself and know your partner. How ever long that takes do what is right for you.

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
11:22 am

Some people do not care, they just want to cum. Sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don’t. I would imagine that lifestyle get’s lonely once you get older and your goods start sagging or belly hanging. No money in savings because you had to party all the time and still stuck in a dead end job trying to take care of the crib midgets and sex trophies. At some point they have to think if it was all worth it.

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
11:24 am

Why would a man want to spread his seed all over the place and destroy his family name by being loose? The only guys who think that is cool really are not cool guys.

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
11:25 am

I am starting to think to much. Where is my horse. LOL :)

AmazonRed™ - That's 1. Go Lakers!

June 4th, 2010
11:26 am

I would imagine that lifestyle get’s lonely once you get older

The thing is, that so many folks buy into the “shortage” of eligible men that even when the lifestyle gets old there’s someone out there willing to be with that guy. *sigh*

I heard this letter on the radio from an ex con who not only had a wife, and but a mistress too who had a baby by him. When the mistress found out he was married, she left him. He was asking advice on how to get the MISTRESS back! The wife still wanted to be with him and work it out. :roll: :arrow:

Melo

June 4th, 2010
11:28 am

many people I could have tried to advise to not be so loose are NOT in failing relationships but are currently in very successful marriages and long term relationships.

@Luvbug??

but there are a cpple of things wrong with ur insight

1) its not about them,but about u and ur self worth. Dont measure what u can do based on that small sample of pple u know

2) u really dont know the inside of those relationships,how smart the men(u dont know) were in making their decisions and if that may come back to bite them.

3) success(for those cpples) can be very fleeting,now u see it now u dont.

4) u cant decide to be a bad girl now then want to be a good later simply coz smebody else is a good girl turned good. Their fate and urs are not aligned.

Two words for the day since we dont have our daily Three yet:

BE YOU! :lol:

KP (www.chatkafeonline.com)

June 4th, 2010
11:29 am

@Kym…I’m simply exposing information. My personal position is to wait, but want to provide others with information to make better decisions.

@kimmie…I agree, but unfortunately that isn’t the norm of our current environment. A lot of people believe they were raised right, but make decisions that don’t necessarily align with that train of thought. If you don’t know any better, you believe you are the norm and make good decisions. Wrong answer!

Most everyone you have slept with in the past ‘felt’ right in the moment. That’s a copout answer. Would you have had sex with EVERY person you’ve been with in past if you knew then what you know now about them? Just a point to ponder…

To be open…my personal answer is NO! I slept with a lot of women because they looked good to me, not because they were good for me. Or because I simply wanted to conquer the challenge.

Melo

June 4th, 2010
11:31 am

bad girl turned good..sorry!

Raqi

June 4th, 2010
11:32 am

KP, while that sounds good, you can’t go thru life second guessing yourself forever. Nothing is guaranteed and in knowing that there can be that second thought even if just lingering way in the back of your mind. So going with what feels right is all we have. Our intuition in many cases does not lead us wrong. Sometimes we go over what we feel is right to go with what looks good and make a bad choice but for the most part what feels right is usually the way to go.

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
11:33 am

@KP so did you marry the woman you were dating?

Luvbug

June 4th, 2010
11:34 am

Melo – I’m not loose and have never been. My self worth is evident to anybody who has ever dated me. I just don’t waist time touting it all over the place. My insight is simply that I respect myself and that I don’t waist time judging others because I don’t have the answer to everything in life. I do what I want does not mean I do anything anyone suggest.

KP (www.chatkafeonline.com)

June 4th, 2010
11:35 am

@Raqi…many times your heart will lead you wrong.

@Kym…Nope!

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
11:36 am

Seems to me that we should be grateful for those choices good and bad. I wouldnt be me today if it was not for what I learned in the past. I have said it once before..”I wouldn’t trade nothing for my journey” It is through mistakes, misteps..and mishap..that we get to the place where we should be.

Melo

June 4th, 2010
11:38 am

@Luvbug??

nobody is judging…but we expousing what we selfishly think wld be good for us,individually,or wld be better.

I am just suggesting that u cannot look at another cpple with prior bad experience but now in a loving relationship and assume that current bad experiences dont have any bearing on the future,based on what u observe.

Not suggesting anything personal about u.

Sassy Me...Misty Lady:-)

June 4th, 2010
11:40 am

It is through mistakes, misteps..and mishap..that we get to the place where we should be.

Real talk right there…

Raqi

June 4th, 2010
11:41 am

KP, but intuition is not from the heart. It’s from a deeper place and following it seldom lead you wrong. I have done many things that I felt were not the right thing to do. My heart loved that person or thing but my intuition told me it was not right. That feeling of it not being right was there but I went with what I loved. I made the wrong choice over what felt right.

DJ Sniper

June 4th, 2010
11:43 am

When I was single, I had no problem with a woman wanting to wait a while before getting physical. Taking your time to get to know someone is cool, but I’ll be honest: celibate women were not on my radar at all. I actually only ran across one woman in all my dating experiences who was celibate. Darn shame, because there was a mutual attraction, and we vibed very well on our one and only date. She called me up later that evening and we talked and she told me about her celibate state. I did give it some thought, but I knew I wouldn’t be happy with a woman that wasn’t going to have sex until marriage. She was cool with that, and we ended up being good friends.

Me and my wife waited a couple of months or so before having sex. I’ve never been the one to look at a woman crazy for having sex early on. I’ve been in a couple of relationships where we had sex on the first night. Those relationships obviously didn’t work out, but I can tell you that having sex on the first night was not one of the reasons.

kimmie

June 4th, 2010
11:45 am

Raqi – I agree with your 11:32 response to KP. I’ms not going to second-guess how I was raised or what I have learned to be right. That “what feels right” is my conscious, God, my intuition. I’m not being led by my hormones or what the crowd or my peers are doing, but what my conscious is telling me. Whenever I decided to dismiss that gut feeling and go with “the flow”, THAT’S when I’ve gotten in trouble. And 9 times out of 10, I KNEW BETTER!

Yes, I agree that’s not the case with a lot of people when they make bad decisions. A lot don’t know better or were not raised better, but a lot make decisions based on other riding factors, with other influences such as peer pressure, alcohol, drugs, other motives, etc.