accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Let’s Wait A While – Are You Worth The Wait?

I am excited about getting new voices on the Misadventures in Atlanta blog. Variety is the spice of life! I decided to recruit more people to be featured on our corner of AJC.COM so if you are interested in being part of the Sizzling Summer’s Love Squad blog panel let me know!

Today I asked KP from Chat Kafe (http://www.chatkafeonline.com, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com), a reader and occasional commenter on Misadventures in Atlanta blog to guest blog for me.  If you are not familiar with him, he is a relationship coach.  I know some of you are fans of his and others, not so much.  His perspective is refreshing to me.

Whatever you feel about him, I hope you will welcome him and be open to what he has to say.  We can always agree to disagree but it’s important to listen!

In 1986, Janet Jackson came out with a popular hit titled “Let’s Wait A While” that took the country by storm. The words of the hit song used to epitomize the approach that ‘quality’ women took when dealing with men in dating and relationships. Unfortunately, things have shifted from “Let’s Wait A While” to a “have-to-have it” mentality.

The modern day approach is pretty predictable and standard. Man meets woman. They exchange information. They go out. Man taps into the mind of the woman. Proper mind tapping results in an open heart and open body experience. It’s usually that easy. Tupac stated it best in his song “I Get Around” when he said, “I don’t want it if that’s easy!” This can be better translated as “I won’t want YOU if it’s that easy!”

Now there is nothing wrong with the above formula as long as it’s with the person you are destined to spend your life with. However, the above equation has gone from a Hollywood fairytale experience, to a merry-go-round experience with the flavor of the week. Would you share your retirement account with someone who isn’t vested? Well, why treat your personal treasure with someone who isn’t licensed? Hmmm…

Women: Have women taken on a more male-minded mentality when it comes to sex? Do women have a ‘probation’ period before they release themselves physically to someone they’re dating? Why NOT make men wait for the prize if you believe it’s worth it?

Men: Why don’t men take a “Let’s Wait A While” approach when dealing with women? Do men not respect women who make a commitment to saving their treasure for marriage?

390 comments Add your comment

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
8:27 am

Good Morning All,

Women: Have women taken on a more male-minded mentality when it comes to sex? No.

Do women have a ‘probation’ period before they release themselves physically to someone they’re dating? Depends on the woman.

Why NOT make men wait for the prize if you believe it’s worth it?
I will answer your question with a question and ask why is waiting so important?

Wisey I am not a KP fan but then I am only a fan of sports teams. I find the concept of relationship/life coaches a bit suspect. I mean who in the heck can really say they have the answers to what is best for another’s relationship or life? I mean how can you possible get a degree in life?

Jeff

June 4th, 2010
8:33 am

Women: Have women taken on a more male-minded mentality when it comes to sex? Yes, because that’s what comes with exchanging gender roles in every other area of life. Gotta take the bad with the good, sister.

Men: Why don’t men take a “Let’s Wait A While” approach when dealing with women? Do men not respect women who make a commitment to saving their treasure for marriage? No for so many reasons. The prime example I have seen is that a woman who can supresses her sex drive before marriage will never be able to unsupress it after the vows as she predicts. Except that now the man is legally less equal than her, especially when kids are involved.

Plus, we like sex.

I am whatever you say I am

June 4th, 2010
8:38 am

sex spells S-E-X. It does not spell I-O-U

So whether you have a guy wait or not, there is no guarantee that he will be with you.
Further more, if you decide to wait… base it on quality and not quantinty. For example, if you decide to wait 3 months after dating a guy, what’s the point if you see him every other week and don’t spend quality time getting to know him, or you only see him on his terms

Mike P

June 4th, 2010
8:43 am

Men: Why don’t men take a “Let’s Wait A While” approach when dealing with women? Do men not respect women who make a commitment to saving their treasure for marriage?

I operated on my own “time-table” when dealing with this issue… and its not that I don’t respect the women who make a commitment; it could be that a woman may not be “chosen” for that type of relationship with me (she may just only qualify for immediate phlucking) so when that woman don’t play her role (the role I selected for her), I don’t and won’t “wait a while” for her. On to the next one.

and sometimes I just don’t wanna deal with a “relationship” at the moment.

Professor

June 4th, 2010
8:43 am

Hola!

Great topic I am going to lurk a little or at least try to. I think y’all know where I stand on this one.

:grin:

Professor

June 4th, 2010
8:49 am

This topic make me think of that Ciara song….

Bet you want the goodies.
Bet you thought about it.
Got you all hot and bothered.
Mad cause I talk around it.
Looking for the goodies
Keep on lookin’ cuz they stay in the jar
Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh

Mar

June 4th, 2010
8:49 am

KP makes an excellent point. True, you may not need a relationship/life coach to navigate through life. You also don’t need to be a weatherman to realize it’s hot outside. To my point, KP doesn’t need to have life perfected before he can give you sound advice.

Answer the question: Would you share your retirement with someone who isn’t vested?

This is a matter of value. It’s okay to drop a penny and not pick it up. Would you drop a $100 bill and keep it moving? Everything has it’s value.

czBrat

June 4th, 2010
9:09 am

ok. read it, and my answer is still “absolutely”!

Hey KP! i love the pension analogy. as for what a man will think of the fact that i’m not easy, i couldn’t care less. as is said on the blog quite often …. KIM. although i do think men will ‘respect’ a woman who guards her treasure well, i don’t think they’re likely to stick around long enough to learn all the other things there are to know about her.
did that make sense? i dunno. it’s very early at the end of a very long ’short’ week. :mad:

Hola Profesora!

czBrat

June 4th, 2010
9:11 am

wow. i guess the blog monster doesn’t appreciate my comment on the nonsense at piedmont last night. FINE!!!

AmazonRed™ - That's 1. Go Lakers!

June 4th, 2010
9:12 am

Morning all! Happy Friday!

KP, thanks for stepping in today. By the way, I meant to introduce myself to you at the cookout Saturday. Nice to see someone representing in their Lakers gear!!! :D

Professor

June 4th, 2010
9:15 am

Hey Brat!

Now you know I want to hear about Piedmont last night. :grin:

I agree, with you a lot of men will respect the woman for not being easy, but will move on to an easier target…it all depends on what he wants at the time.

Brandi

June 4th, 2010
9:19 am

I wholeheartedly agree with Mar (great analogy btw about the weatherman, as I hardly ever watch the weather report…I step outside my balcony, experience the surroundings for myself and adjust my response to the situation appropriately–kinda like you said Mar (like LIFE). Love that! KUDOS to KP a certified relationship expert by unmerited favor!

Personally, I think it depends on the kind of women you are dealing with and what she considers valuable. The key question is, “why not make a man wait for it, if you think you’re worth it”. So many women have a tainted view of their worth…perhaps their father wasn’t around to express to them their worth, maybe they were exposed to various sexual outlets at an early age, or they’ve obeserved their mother hustling any way possible to make ends met, or perhaps they were “turned out and burned out” by they first love/sexual encounter. Every situation is different and each has a different effect. Some women aren’t affected at all and become quite the opposite. It truly boils down to what’s valuable that individual considers valuable. Some people stand out in cold rain, heavy winds, for various hours/days waiting patiently to see their favorite recording artist–because that’s valuable to them. You would never see me doing that–because it’s not worth it. However, you will see me waiting two-three months to see a great doctor, because my body is valuable to me and want the best medical opinion that can be offered. I value their time and expertise and know that I must wait to experience that. Waiting to see that person, will provide me with someone who has proven experiece and success in being able to carefully learn all there is about my history and adjust my care plan appropriate to best meet my medical needs. I will exercise daily and eat healthy–knowing that I may not see the results right away, but in the end, I will look better and feel better–it’s worth the effort of patience and discipline because I will see reap the wonderful benefits of looking good and feeling good–because I waited.

Men: Why don’t men take a “Let’s Wait A While” approach when dealing with women? Do men not respect women who make a commitment to saving their treasure for marriage?

Regarding this question…again it depends on a person. I can’t speak on the account of a man so I won’t be elaborate in my response; however, from my experience, most men that I share my celibacy/abstinence with don’t stick around. It’s okay, because saying celibacy is like a weedwacker! So I’m okay with that…but I have spoken to some male friends and it’s not that it’s they lack respect, it’s mostly because they don’t want to put forth the effort to do it. Getting sex is too easy. They want it, so why wait? They rather settle for fleeting pleasure than experience something that is more lasting. One of the most powerful things I heard a man say to me is that I don’t sleep with just anyone–I’m valuable too! I loved that. Men and everything they possess are valuable; however, I don’t believe they are taught that as much as women growing up–and it seeps into their adult life.

Thanks for your thought-provoking post KP!

SlimPhatty

June 4th, 2010
9:20 am

Good morning and HAPPY FEEL UP YO FRIENDS FANNY’S FRIDAY!!! :-d

czBrat

June 4th, 2010
9:23 am

i didn’t go because i thought the weather would be nasty. just read the article about the fight and gunshots that ended the movie shortly after it started. sent people running for their cars. and apparently some miscreants were throwing rocks at cars busting out windows. smdh

it all depends on what he wants at the time.
in my experience, those who stick around either like a challenge or are genuinely interested in the whole woman (or perhaps some combination). of course, those who don’t stick around are immediately forgotten.

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
9:23 am

LOL @ Slim some friends have flat fanny’s!!! It is national doughnut day..free krispy kreme…

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
9:26 am

Waiting some designated time and place to have sex..is no guarantee you will have a successful relationship. Anymore than not waiting guarantee’s the relationship will fail.

SlimPhatty

June 4th, 2010
9:28 am

AmazonRed™ - That's 1. Go Lakers!

June 4th, 2010
9:28 am

On-topic:

Have women taken on a more male-minded mentality when it comes to sex? Do women have a ‘probation’ period before they release themselves physically to someone they’re dating? Why NOT make men wait for the prize if you believe it’s worth it?

No matter how unpopular, prudish or holier than thou people want to call me, I will never take a “male minded mentality” when it comes to sex. I may not know much, but I know me, and I know what’s good for my peace of mind. I sleep like the dead each night cuz I know I’m staying true to myself.

I know there is easier prey out there, and it doesn’t move me. I think I’m worth the wait and will wait as long as I have to to find a guy who feels the same.

czBrat

June 4th, 2010
9:29 am

So many women have a tainted view of their worth…perhaps their father wasn’t around to express to them their worth,
thank you Brandi. i’ve said it before and will gladly say it again. my father made all of his kids and grandkids feel like we hung the moon. and that ego confidence is with me to this day. if you don’t see in me the value i see in myself, then you should start looking elsewhere. easy, breezy, lemon squeezy :lol:

SlimPhatty

June 4th, 2010
9:31 am

Kym – Yeah i found out about Doughnut day when I went to Dunkin Doughnut this morning for my daily dose of caffeine ;-)

czBrat

June 4th, 2010
9:32 am

ARed, sistah we are —–>here<—–. i look at it this way, the more male-minded women are out there, the more valuable i become.

KP (www.chatkafeonline.com)

June 4th, 2010
9:32 am

Good morning MIA fam!

I thought that Melo and For Real would have been ALL over this post by now. Hmmm…mayber they’re converting to my way of thinking :)

I know this isn’t the POPULAR approach to relationships, but one that may help to shift the flawed approach that has become so prevalent in today’s world.

I will sit back and lurk for a while, but would love to hear the opposing viewpoints.

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
9:34 am

@Slim Dunkin..yuck..Krispy Kreme..is the truth!!

czBrat

June 4th, 2010
9:34 am

i saw the ads about donut day and deliberately turned my blinders up to “HIGH” on my way to work. i’m working too hard in the other direction to go and add another ounce right now.

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
9:35 am

I would not mind waiting unless sex is all I wanted.

czBrat

June 4th, 2010
9:36 am

no worries, KP. opposing viewpoints will be here soon enough. can’t wait to see how many of the blog women will be called liars.

SlimPhatty

June 4th, 2010
9:39 am

Kym – I agree regarding KK over DD. I gave the doughnut away when I got to work lol. I go to DD for the coffee and croissants. :-D

KP (www.chatkafeonline.com)

June 4th, 2010
9:39 am

@ARed Dang…you were in the building and didn’t make yourself known? Don’t do that anymore! (in my daddy’s voice) :)

It's me....lurker

June 4th, 2010
9:40 am

Well, why treat your personal treasure with someone who isn’t licensed? Hmmm…

Here here…I’m agreeing. I love your post KP!

I’m agreeing with Mar and I also like how Professor —->I agree, with you a lot of men will respect the woman for not being easy, but will move on to an easier target

That’s why I follow my heart and what I’ve found to be true. I’m willing to risk a man taking a walk because I’m not ready to be physically intimate rather than take a leap because there’s an impending unspoken ultimatum. I know, as in any case there’s never a guarantee but I’m still of the belief anything worth having is worth working for. I don’t buy into the “let’s just see how things go”….to some degree. I’m good “seeing how things will progess” but sex too early (for me…IMO) isn’t as natural as some men would have us believe. Butterflies, feeling giddy, excited, talking for hours, taking the time to make time, sharing….are all natural tendencies when you’re feeling the vibe of “new love” but having sex ain’t one. For me, it’s a natural occurance once all the other characteristics of love or serious liking are evident.

AmazonRed™ - That's 1. Go Lakers!

June 4th, 2010
9:41 am

@KP –

Sorry, I was all about Mafia. :oops: But I did give you a high five after the Lakers won. :)

Professor

June 4th, 2010
9:41 am

@czBrat that is a doggone shame gunshots and rocks at screen on the green. Oh yea I am glad I didn’t know about the doughnuts this morning I would have sneaked one okay two…I don’t have the willpower to rebuke KK especially if the hot light is on. :grin:

@ Brandi great post, but I have to ding you on the word count :grin: Welcome to the blog

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
9:43 am

As a woman I think if you are going to talk the talk then walk the walk. In other words..if you are holding yourself as pure and waiting until you get to know said dude as “the one” then you should behave in that manner at all times. For example, you can not tell a man(visual creature) I want to wait..and then show up at the date with your left butt cheek hanging out of your pants. Or saying I want to wait but then you begin sending dude pics of your butt and boobs with the message..wait until you get a load of this…that right there shows you are not walking how you talking.

It's me....lurker

June 4th, 2010
9:45 am

As a woman I think if you are going to talk the talk then walk the walk

I think all of us “not so quick to jump” ladies are in agreeance.

It's me....lurker

June 4th, 2010
9:45 am

Well, hold on, I don’t send nuddy pics…LOL

It's me....lurker

June 4th, 2010
9:47 am

Honestly there are some lines that I have crossed and a few that would probably get blurred but one thing I’ve found to be true and that one thing that holds me to holding back is that I have kid. Whatever I’m in her face preaching or teaching, I gotta roll the same. Kids are by no means stupid.

SlimPhatty

June 4th, 2010
9:48 am

‘if you are holding yourself as pure and waiting until you get to know said dude as “the one” then you should behave in that manner at all times’

@Kym – GOOD point! I can’t recall which comedian said that you cannot expect folks to think of you any other way if you’re wearing the ‘uniform’. If you walk around with your butt cheeks, camel toe, and both itties out…you can’t expect dudes to not look at you like a h0 if you’re wearing the h0 uniform. :lol:

Brandi

June 4th, 2010
9:48 am

lol@Professor…I’m a bit long winded…I’ll try to keep it to a minimum :o ) Thank you

Professor

June 4th, 2010
9:49 am

Sharing a few thoughts for a minute, bare with me, because I am not trying to blast the men.

When I was younger I had more patience (it was a turnoff still) with guys pressing for the goodies, but now it is a turnoff for a man deebo-ing his way into my g-string. I mean seriously why the full court press? I’ve shared with you all the turnoff these conversations bring me when they appear too soon, or the guy is eagar to link everything to s-e-x. I don’t know if I have some teenage manchild on the phone with a wet dream. If you are a grown, professional man it just seems like you should be above the ding-dong pics, bringing up sex in every sentence or trying to press yourself into an encounter. Also check the batteries on your radar, it should tell you certain women are not up for that mess…just look at how she carries herself.

Stepping down off the box. :grin:

czBrat

June 4th, 2010
9:49 am

LMAO @ Kym and Phatty. you would think that’s common sense, but it’s not. that’s a sure sign of a chick playing games!

Sassy Me...Misty Lady:-)

June 4th, 2010
9:54 am

that is a doggone shame gunshots and rocks at screen on the green.

I heard about that on the radio….a woman who was there with her daughter said it was groups of boys n girls running amuk,stepping on people’s blankets w/o saying excuse me,randomly punching people in the face and not to mention the fighting and gun shots. What I find even sadder is that the kids were AA.

On topic: To thine own self be true. Understand that your truth may not be someone else’s and do what works for you. Kym I think your last post said it best: if you are going to talk the talk then walk the walk.….and that goes for both men and women. I’ve met guys who said they’re looking for “the one” but their behaviors dictated somethin totally the contrary and have seen women do likewise. You receive what you project

?

June 4th, 2010
9:54 am

@ it’s me Lurker – Some women want hold out like “it” is a prize but what they are holding out for are carrots as in (3.5 Round cut) and that is so manipulative. If you find love, you are going to want to show love (mutually). Yes, timing is important, but if you sitting around with kids and have been in and out of relationships, dont act like an ingénue either.

Alan

June 4th, 2010
9:57 am

Fights, gunshots stop Screen on the Green
Witness says large brawl broke out early in movie, followed by shots.

Will someone please explain why black people are still trying to ruin Atlanta? Imagine being there last night on a date.

Professor

June 4th, 2010
9:57 am

Sassy that is a doggone shame…I did not hear the radio reports and this morning I watched the national news, so I was unaware. :cry: Folks need to raise their young’uns

Purple Rain

June 4th, 2010
9:57 am

There are to many things at risk to hop in the sack to soon. Devaluing yourself, the risk of an STD or pregnancy, just to many risks to list.

czBrat

June 4th, 2010
9:59 am

off to a very long meeting. catch up with yas in a bit.

!

June 4th, 2010
9:59 am

?, I know what you did last summer

Professor

June 4th, 2010
10:01 am

:grin: @ The Purple One

SlimPhatty

June 4th, 2010
10:04 am

Will someone please explain why some people are so —> IGNORANT?

SlimPhatty

June 4th, 2010
10:06 am

Morning PRain ;-)

Kym-Singing and Swing and getting Merry like Christmas

June 4th, 2010
10:06 am

And another thang..While this message is quite noble and all that..lets just be real. You preaching to the wrong choir. If you really want to bring about change I mean true change not just getting Sister Shanqiue..to stop wearing short skirts to church or brother Rondell to stop sleeping his way thru the choir..you need to take this message of self worth and love to the streets. The real streets. My coworker just this morning told me about a few young “ladies” of the night..walking down the road with cheeks flapping in the wind. The jokers in here or lurkering..may no better but choose not to do better..but some folks..those who really need the message..they don’t no better in order to do better.

Disclaimer..if I stepped on anyone’s toes..with the remarks above..next time move your feet.