What if chemistry didn’t exist?
I don’t think anyone can ever explain the chemistry that exists between two people who really desire one another. It’s impossible to predict, understand, or destroy – I have attempted all three. I think so many times we get hung up on that feeling of intense desire and attraction that we forget how to put it in it’s proper place. What is it’s proper place?
Do you let go of a wonderful person because they don’t do it for you? Do you expect the person who does it for you, to always give you that feeling of intense chemistry? How long can that feeling possibly last before you settle into the reality of one another, instead of the “idea” of one another.
The reality is that there is much more to love and relationships then chemistry. Yet, a lot of times, we won’t let a potential romance start without it. Are we fooling ourselves? What would happen if chemistry between two people didn’t exist. How would we determine who we truly connect with and who we shouldn’t?
If we didn’t have chemistry, do you think our dating experiences would be less romantic?
accessAtlanta Partner Sites
Sections
Advertise on accessAtlanta.com »
Reach the audience you want by advertising on accessAtlanta.com
Join the Access Atlanta Network »
Advertisers and Publishers, expand your reach by joining the Access Atlanta Network.
Tell us what you think about the site
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement | About our ads
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
369 comments Add your comment
Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....
May 26th, 2010
10:20 am
To quote Bonnie Ratt..”I can’t make you love me if you don’t and you can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.” <——————–Kym I like that quote!
Kym
May 26th, 2010
10:21 am
Call me out on ego..but I think my feelings would be more bruised to know some joker is just with me cause he feels obligated..not because it is where he wants to be. Be with me cause you want me..not cause you stuck.
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
10:23 am
Be with me cause you want me..not cause you stuck.
AMEN Kym!!!!
I am whatever you say I am ...Quoting Biggie All Day
May 26th, 2010
10:23 am
“….and if he start to scream “bam! bam!”, have a nice dream…”
I am really sleepy. Wish I could curl up and sleep right now
Luvbug
May 26th, 2010
10:25 am
If chemistry means undeniable physical attraction to or liking for…then I don’t believe it’s a prerequisite for a lasting and long term relationship.
If chemistry means undeniable belief in, trust in or and/or respect for…then I believe it’s a prerequisite for a lasting and long term relationship.
If chemistry falls in the area of love for…then I don’t believe it’s a prerequisite for a lasting and long term relationship.
I am whatever you say I am ...Quoting Biggie All Day
May 26th, 2010
10:26 am
“…..Nucka, you ain’t got to explain ish
I’ve been robbin motherf….. since the slave ships
with the same clip and the same four-five …..”
Hey you all…where’s a good spot to go to that’s not a club or lounge to have a guy find you?
I’ve tried the Publix near my house. okay eye candy
The home depot near my house. I call that place club Depot and the eye candy is on point except noone approaches me (they just look) and I’m too scared to make the first move.
SexyCool13
May 26th, 2010
10:28 am
Three Words Daily – Do-overs are allowed.
AmazonRed™
May 26th, 2010
10:31 am
The only way around chemistry is if a solid friendship is established first. I wasn’t attracted to my HS sweetheart, but he was a good dude and I knew him well by the time he told me he was attracted to me. I grew to love him lots.
Most men aren’t trying to go that route unless they are truly trying to only be friends.
Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....
May 26th, 2010
10:33 am
so it is no one universal definition it is all about a person’s perception of what chemistry means to them per se………I think as you get older the physical part fades…..and other important factors comes into play….like sticking it out through the chemistry for the same goal……hmmmmm
Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....
May 26th, 2010
10:33 am
yeah sadly ared I agree…….lol
mqew
May 26th, 2010
10:37 am
Ared – As my hubby would say… Tis the oldest trick in the book for men. They WILL wait!!!! I think most will indeed go that route putting in friend time and work. They are truly trying to be your friend, PLUS!
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
10:41 am
This whole subject of being with someone you’re not attracted to is depressing to me.
Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....
May 26th, 2010
10:43 am
kimmie it has me saying huh???? really!!!!! ok….hmmmmmm lol
Melo
May 26th, 2010
10:44 am
Good morning folks!
Money has become the new chemistry in modern day dating and marriage!
Gabrielle..good post by the way…..
what pple consider chemistry these days is a good job,educated,he got his own crib…etc…..a chic that has a height requirement will gladly ditch that(most will) if the guy has those characteristics i pointed out suggesting that he can maintain a matrimonial home.
Phluck chemistry!
Capitalism is what drives most pple’s decisions,men and women to choose who they choose.Not necessarily looking for a rich guy but every chic is looking for a guy with relative money or potential for relative success in their career. Not chemistry. I doubt that.
Chemistry is the younger chics’ fad!
Not so with older chics who are counting the tick of their bilogical clocks. They are looking for that man with a heart beat who can pay the mortgage,has his own car,is not staying with mama and is not on drugs and just a blue collar regular dude…thats a dude to die for and marry for any chic that wants to get married.
Is she gonna bench him coz there is no chemistry???
I dare u,it aint happening!!
Chemistry my azz……!!
Thats a luxury!! A most hyped fad for most chics!
Unless the chic is not trying to settle with anyone………………….yeah,chemistry and that good eye candy on ur arm may drive those type chics to look for it.
Kym
May 26th, 2010
10:49 am
Melo.. Look here boss(today’s word is boss)..I guess that is for them older chicks you know. Cause I have managed to get this far by Grace..so I can assure you that I am not about to sell out my happiness for some hard d..and a mortgage payment. Not that thirsty.
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
10:52 am
Is she gonna bench him coz there is no chemistry???
I dare u,it aint happening!!
Melo – The desperate chick you describe, you’re probably right, she’ll settle and take what she can get. The dude, who has plenty of options, ditch her for someone he’s really vibing with that feels the same – he’ll dump her in a heartbeat. Just yesterday we were talking about dudes that date a perfectly nice woman for year, break up, meet somebody else and marry them in 6 months. I think it may have very little to do with “timing”, but that’s my opinion.
mqew
May 26th, 2010
10:53 am
Melo – You are right as well. I do know the chics that chose the dude that went to Brown as opposed to the one who didn’t.
I know the chics that would never ever date an electrician and only the white collar guys.
The former NOT happy, wants to leave, but she chose a long time ago Money over Emotions. The latter not found love yet.
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
10:54 am
date a perfectly nice woman for year,
Years – I meant years.
Leggs
May 26th, 2010
10:54 am
@kimmie ~ yes, I saw the finale and so glad Michael won. I like him, but the jeans he had on were a horrible fit. Anyway, Koli is cocky, and something appears “off” with him. Sam sure buffed up nicely. But, the highlight was seeing O’Neal. He bounded down those steps spoke volumes. I stood up and clapped for that man!
Sometimes, chemistry isn’t instant. It can build up over time. Some great relationships have lasted with “dislike at first sight.”
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
11:00 am
Leggs – Girl, I was in tears over O’Neal! Did he not pimp down those stairs in that suit & brim or what?!! And yes, those jeans were not becoming on Michael, but he seems like a really nice person. His mama is pretty too. Yeah, something is not quite right with Koli!! Sam is very attractive to me & he and Stephanie look good together.
You are so right about how a lot of great relationships began with dislike! But even THAT is chemistry, a pull, an emotion, to me! Not something that requires life-support.
Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....
May 26th, 2010
11:01 am
kimmie 10:52 is the truth….
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
May 26th, 2010
11:04 am
Long term is the key.. The chemistry is initial.. Over the course of the relationship the chemistry isnt gonna be what it was when ya’ll first met. I say get someone you respect as a person cause in the long term that will be key. Respect for that person allows you to honor them and not do things that will hurt them.. Chemistry or not if that long term respect isnt there its not gonna work..
Really I dont know to be honest.. Just get someone you can be yourself around at all times..
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
May 26th, 2010
11:06 am
On Melo’s post.. Now come on ya’ll there is some truth to it.. A dudes pocket makes the chemistry happen easier..
Melo
May 26th, 2010
11:08 am
The desperate chick you describe, you’re probably right, she’ll settle and take what she can get.
@Kimmie??
Desperate??
im sure u say that coz u are in a happy place…
chemistry is an illusion..a moving target……u define chemistry it,its not defined by those outside.
and when u find a guy with all other ingredients that are a check..u develop the relationship to get the chemistry. Thats why they say a relationship or marriage is work. What do u think they mean??
I cannot for the life of me think a chic will find a guy that has all the ‘right’ qualities but simply ditch him coz there is no chemistry..thats unconscionable…..only in movies and in young chics does that happen…coz they domnt know what a relationship is.
I dare u, u wldnt do it if ur guy were not there and u find a guy like that!
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
May 26th, 2010
11:08 am
we’ve heard it a million times.. “Girl I can learn to love him”…. And the mere Fact that Babes kissed Flava Flav is all the proof you need..
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
11:10 am
DK – I like your post. What you describe, what should be there after the initial lust phase, is what I would describe as love.
Dan
May 26th, 2010
11:10 am
@Kym, others
I’ll say this, talking to some of my homeboy’s it’s not ‘obligation’ in that sense, it’s the return of the loyalty; as in “dag, she stuck with me thru …”. That starts the wheel turning more often than anything else I’ve heard (re: chemistry, body, brains – in both senses- etc.).
For some (women), it may not be enough, for others it is. And we all notice who’s married and who’s not; who’s happy and who isn’t.
Do with this information what you will.
Dan
May 26th, 2010
11:14 am
@kimmie
Your 11:10 just validated Melo’s 10:44.
‘Desperate’ ain’t the word, comfortable may be.
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
11:16 am
I cannot for the life of me think a chic will find a guy that has all the ‘right’ qualities but simply ditch him coz there is no chemistry.
Melo – You are talking about extremes here, I think.
And I’ve always felt the way I feel, about not wanting to be “stuck” with some dude I feel nothing for, or him feeling resentful cause he’s “stuck” with me – even when I wasn’t in a happy place. I’ve spoken about it before. That fear of feelin suffocated. That “out” my late mother gave me if I decided, midway thru my walk down the aisle, that I changed my mind, she would support me.
The stuff you describe may be true to a lot of people that have motives other than love for a person, but they don’t describe me. Again, just my opinion.
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
11:22 am
Your 11:10 just validated Melo’s 10:44.
Dan – I don’t see how, but you’re entitled to your opinion. DK said the chemistry over time changes. I call that initial emotion lust and it can be fleeting. I think Melo is talking extremes.
Like I said earlier, people can dismiss chemistry if they want to. But whether you have it initially or you develop it over time, at some point it needs to be present. Otherwise you are just going thru the motions. In my opinion.
SlimOne...seeking a team mgr
May 26th, 2010
11:22 am
Are we still on topic?
Leggs
May 26th, 2010
11:22 am
Good point on the chemistry, kimmie. No one ever said all chemistry is a positive energy force.
Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....
May 26th, 2010
11:24 am
every married person or person in a relationship isn’t happy believe that but I digress……
Melo
May 26th, 2010
11:24 am
@Kym..as fou baby,ive red u here a long time.
Marriage aint the no# 1 issue on ur mind,unless u have suddenly changed…it may happen for u,but u aint necessarily looking for it,young or old….
So what i describe in my first post , u really may be an exception. But i want u,if u want to prove me wrong or right,scour the websites and look at the postings of pple over 36,who are looking for love and marriage…
Look at the postings of pple on here who want marriage..surely chemistry aint the n#1 thing on their minds…its how they are leading their lives..not on drugs,working folks,own car,not with mama,not many baby mamas..that type stuff………..hell even the drug dealers with regular flow are getting play with some really phine,knock ur socks off chics….Chemistry???
Not a chance!!
Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....
May 26th, 2010
11:25 am
or even have great chemistry…..
For Real (My Hypocrisy Only Goes So Far)
May 26th, 2010
11:25 am
Fugg Love
Fugg Chemistry
Give me “LIKE”
Dan
May 26th, 2010
11:28 am
@Kimmie
I’m talking about the ‘moving target’.
I think chemistry is a moving target, in just the way you describe. It changes, it morphs, it goes from hot and heavy, to comfort, to the cold fear of losing something, or someone you’ve known for a while.
Like DK said though, if longevity is goal, you’re going to go through all these emotions, hoping to make it to the end.
Dan
May 26th, 2010
11:29 am
@For Real
Imjusayin….
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
11:29 am
Thats why they say a relationship or marriage is work. What do u think they mean??
I certainly don’t think they are talking about working to develop chemistry. And trying to stay in a relationship or marriage with someone I feel nothing for sounds like double the workload to me.
I expect you to have the feelings that you do about this subject Melo, because you’ve said many times you have never had your heart broken. You’ve not felt those emotions, so it’s easier for you to look at the strictly logical point of view. But a lot of what goes on with relationships really defyies logic. I don’t always go along with it or agree with it, but I recognize it.
gabrielle
May 26th, 2010
11:30 am
“I am sorry but looking for those things that are attractive to you..might be the equivalent of going on a search for the Holy Grail..ok not that deep..but still sometimes if you are just not feeling the person..you are just not feeling them.”
I agree with you-you need to be real about what you find attractive in another person.
A relationship that only has friendship, and no chemistry, is only a friendship. You can’t pretend to have chemistry with someone that you do not. I’m NOT saying play the game of pretend-That IS depressing. I’m saying that chemistry is a matter of perception.(My examples from India are meant to show how that).
That being said, I hear A LOT of women who dismiss really great guys as “just friends” because “There’s just no chemistry!” Then they wonder where all of the good men are. Hello! There’s one RIGHT in front of you!
A lot of women just won’t be honest with themselves about what they find attractive in a man. What you find attractive in someone is what determines chemistry.
If a woman says she wants a man who treats her with respect, then why does she get so turned on by the guy who’s a jerk?
What you find attractive in another person says a lot about your perception of yourself and about what you think is important. Sometimes, changing one’s perception can be the difference in changing chemistry with someone else.
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
11:32 am
Dan – Your 11:28, I agree.
For Real (My Hypocrisy Only Goes So Far)
May 26th, 2010
11:34 am
“But a lot of what goes on with relationships really defyies logic.” – That because women are illogical but that mean it defyies logic.
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
11:39 am
That being said, I hear A LOT of women who dismiss really great guys as “just friends” because “There’s just no chemistry!” Then they wonder where all of the good men are. Hello! There’s one RIGHT in front of you!
Gabrielle – You proved your point. What YOU percieve as a “great guy” may be different from what these women you know think. Just because he looks good on paper doesn’t mean a relationship is going to work out with him.
For Real (My Hypocrisy Only Goes So Far)
May 26th, 2010
11:39 am
Dan: Like I said before women have to make things hard it’s endcoded in their DNA. They will dump a dude because of a lack of chemistry and love but ask them to define either one and they can’t but they somehow know when it ain’t there even tho they don’t truly know what “it” is (ie. chemistry and love). Now, that defyies logic Kimmie.
Melo
May 26th, 2010
11:42 am
certainly don’t think they are talking about working to develop chemistry
@Kimmie??
No there are not..theyre working to develop the “relationship”..developing mutual respect,likes,priorities,passions etc..which when all is said and done ,it involves chemistry in there too.
If u are to define chemistry really i think it is a liking and mutual respect for each other,continous love and the passion u enjoy in each other’s company and the vibes u get when uall smash ofcourse..thats an added bonus.
I luv laying next to my boo even tho we may not smash for weeks…..we have worked on the relationship and on developing whats imorptant in our lives.
I am whatever you say I am ...Quoting Biggie All Day
May 26th, 2010
11:42 am
Enter your comments here
For Real (My Hypocrisy Only Goes So Far)
May 26th, 2010
11:42 am
gabrielle: Your post goes back to fact that women simply do not know what they want. Yall continuously run into walls until it feels good.
Dan
May 26th, 2010
11:43 am
At For Real: I hear you.
I’ve given up that fight entirely
Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....
May 26th, 2010
11:44 am
for real and men do, they know, they get it right and we are forever ignorant to the fact????? men make things compilcated and difficult too….they maybe simple creatures but they can make simple ish utterly difficult in my opinion so I guess we will agree that we view and will forever view the opposite sex as women are from venus and men are from MARS! lol
kimmie
May 26th, 2010
11:44 am
4Real – Quit playing. When is Archer coming back on or do we have to wait until the fall?