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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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What if chemistry didn’t exist?

I don’t think anyone can ever explain the chemistry that exists between two people who really desire one another.  It’s impossible to predict, understand,  or destroy – I have attempted all three.  I think so many times we get hung up on that feeling of intense desire and attraction that we forget how to put it in it’s proper place.  What is it’s proper place?

Do you let go of a wonderful person because they don’t do it for you? Do you expect the person who does it for you, to always give you that feeling of intense chemistry?  How long can that feeling possibly last before you settle into the reality of one another, instead of the “idea” of one another.

The reality is that there is much more to love and relationships then chemistry. Yet, a lot of times, we won’t let a potential romance start without it. Are we fooling ourselves?  What would happen if chemistry between two people didn’t exist. How would we determine who we truly connect with and who we shouldn’t?

If we didn’t have chemistry, do you think our dating experiences would be less romantic?

369 comments Add your comment

SlimOne

May 26th, 2010
8:30 am

Good morning blogsville, will check back in a bit later. :-)

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
8:31 am

I kinda feel slighted when you meet someone and the chemistry is there and then within a few months, they aren’t into you anymore or you aren’t into them.
I’m sometimes left thinking, that was a waste
Oh well such is life.

Kym

May 26th, 2010
8:32 am

Good Morning All,

What would happen if chemistry between two people didn’t exist. How would we determine who we truly connect with and who we shouldn’t?

Well we could always behave like the other animals on this vast blue ball. Rams lock horns and the stronger male wins the female. Same with lions and countless other animals. So if there is no chemistry..maybe we can go back to the days of kings and knights. Jousting on the field of battle..if you don’t die or get knocked off your horse you win the fair maiden’s hand. Two dudes battling it out in a Ultimate fighter showdown could be romantic.

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
8:34 am

hmmmmmmm so there can be an attraction without chemistry…..I would think they go hand and hand…..or the chemistry is optional……

Instant chemistry I feel is the best…..its a driving force to continue to persue I think….if we vibe well together wouldn’t we want to explore that vibe more……

hmmmm who knows….let’s see what others think…..lol

good morning crew…..

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
8:35 am

I wish we could go back to the early 1900’s where men would ask the father for permission to “court” his daughter.
The couple dated for the purpose of getting married and then they married and had kids.
Seems to me that a lot of values now have been lost and we accept it.

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
8:37 am

I Am~ To me that is the part of leaning self more I think…..it is ok to discover you aren’t that into that person as you once thought especially if some questionable things are present that don’t vibe well…….I mean instantly is just that but that does fade and the real person over a course of time shows…meaning their true character and for some it is best to leave them where the stand….lol

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
8:39 am

<—-feeling real hungry about to pass out

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
8:40 am

yeah Lady I hear you. Still feeling slighted things didn’t work out with me and the ex but what helps me along is when I think about all the things I didn’t like and wasn’t happy with.
I no longer have to deal with those things and I am free to be with someone else that I may have chemistry with.

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
8:42 am

hmmmm this has me thinking…..maybe it is not needed so there will be more room early on to get to know each other without a driving flirtation force of chemistry…….I mean really take the chemistry out the warm and fuzzy feeling fades and you have real people with real issues not bad jsut dealing more with the reality of the person vs. feelings…..hmmmmmmm pondering…..lol

Kym

May 26th, 2010
8:43 am

@I am..I don’t really think that would go over well…that arrange courting thing. I mean if Willie Lump-Lump comes a courting and one leg is shorter than the other..but daddy said it was okay to court cause he has good breeding and can provide a good life..the daughter might still not want ole Willie but she is stuck cause daddy said so. I love my own daddy to death..but picking a man for me..err not so much.

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
8:43 am

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
8:43 am

LOL @ Kym

Point well taken

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
8:45 am

thinking about my grandma:
My grandfather has been dead for at least 24 years and my grandmother never remarried and to this day, still wears her wedding ring

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
8:50 am

random thought: I love my makeup today!!!
Purple eyeshadow (not barney purple) goes good with brown eyes :-)

mytw♥cents

May 26th, 2010
8:58 am

KYM Me likey the primitive mating process idea… That would be the ultimate test Of a woman’s willingness to submit too. if she won’t go quietly with the brute who won her, then guess what…

AmazonRed™

May 26th, 2010
8:58 am

Good topic. Morning all.

I’m intrigued by the idea of arranged marriages. Chemistry isn’t taken into the equation, but they have a higher success rate than many other types of marriage.

I’m more of a “logic over emotion” type girl. I think we often put too much emphasis on how we “feel” rather than what’s real.

But then again, there are some great guys out there…who’d want no more than to cater too my whims, provide for me, rub my feet and cook me dinner. Who’d pass that up? But I’m so not attracted to them…I just can’t. :lol:

Leggs

May 26th, 2010
9:02 am

Good morning, everyone!

If chemistry didn’t exist there wouldn’t be a partnership of the soul.

Trevor0529 - 3 until 42

May 26th, 2010
9:03 am

Good Morning,

I will check back in later on this topic. Gotta fix a test case!!

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
9:03 am

I agree ARed and what is real is so important and feelings shouldn’t be the driving force……..

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
9:05 am

I’m intrigued by arranged marriages as well.
I wonder if I would feel the same if I was forced into the position.

Dan

May 26th, 2010
9:07 am

Morning,

Arraigned marriages work because of the familial duty both parties feel (to themselves, their families, etc.).

“Survival of the fittest” wouldn’t work either because of the opposible thumb and working trigger finger, oh, and guns.

As to the “old” norms, well, those went out for a reason; people and culture have to evolve to fit modern circumstances (see Paul, Rand).

On topic:

‘Chemistry’ as defined in the post, is attraction. I think most of us are beyond the age where attraction is the sole determinant of a relationship; yet, as stated, it is a very important part.

If “chemistry” as defined, didn’t exist, we’d do then what we should be doing now, searching for how the person fits in with our lives.

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
9:15 am

so what happens when you meet someone that most of your needs but you don’t have bedroom chemistry?

Ahhhh the horror!!!!

I am whatever you say I am

May 26th, 2010
9:15 am

typo: meant to say meets most of your needs

My name is Prince...

May 26th, 2010
9:17 am

A lot of women (not all) want the chemistry that Rude Boys provide…excitement, daring, and unpredictable. Rude Boys don’t settle down, they move from one conquest to the other. When they change, they are no longer Rude Boys and have to shy away from certain activities, which makes them calmer or boring. Men and women should keep the spark or chemistry alive by doing something crazy every now and then.

Kym

May 26th, 2010
9:20 am

@Dan

Yeah no one is going round trying to keep the family farm but merging the Jones with the Freemans…

Kym

May 26th, 2010
9:28 am

not but…by merging..I need music.

gabrielle

May 26th, 2010
9:29 am

Great question! I’ve dated really great guys (with whom no chemistry was present). These didn’t work out b/c you need more than a friendship to sustain a relationship. I’ve also dated horrible men with whom I’ve had great chemistry. These didn’t work out either, b/c you need more than great sex to sustain a relationship. I would say you’ve gotta find both. And what a gift it is to find!

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
9:33 am

I’ve also dated horrible men with whom I’ve had great chemistry. These didn’t work out either, b/c you need more than great sex to sustain a relationship.

^^^^^^5 gaberielle……..

to find both is to find an ideal partnership/relationship……friendship is so important to me…..and merge the relationship for more great things…..yeah it is a beautiful thing I am yet to explore….lol…..with time both will show…..I’m hopeful!

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
9:34 am

meant gabrielle….sorry chica! :)

gabrielle

May 26th, 2010
9:40 am

@Dan and others. My husband is from India-the land of arranged marriages. When we got married in India last summer, I asked a lot of the women about this-how do you make a marriage work with someone you do not even know, much less have chemistry with?

Their answer? You LOOK for attractive things in the other person and you focus on those things (rather than the unattractive things). I really do think that a lot of physical attraction-and chemistry-is a matter of perspective. But you have to be real with yourself about what you personally find attractive. For me, a guy who could not carry on an intelligent conversation was always a turn-off (no matter how “hot”).

I saw both in India-the arranged marriages of couples who were in love and the arranged marriages where couples seemed to be more than friends than partners. The former were much happier.

Luvbug

May 26th, 2010
9:41 am

If we didn’t have chemistry, do you think our dating experiences would be less romantic?

Maybe less romantic and a lot more honest.

ARed – IMO…most times…arranged marriages, some match making and other technical alternatives to marriage address the issue that most folks are too afraid (or Walt Disneyed up) to address…MONEY…and/or duties, goods and services…responsibilities!!

If you’re gonna request and sign a contract, you’d better be trading and clarifying something besides love. I mean love is nice and all, but a contract is official business.

Skip the contract…lest you wanna know how I really feel about you. :lol:

gabrielle

May 26th, 2010
9:47 am

@Amazonred, there’s a higher success rate in these cultures because marriage is NOT just a partnership between two people but an entire family merging together. There is so much more help in India-both men and women support the couple when they are going through a difficult time and there are so many grandmas and aunties that help out with the children, house duties, etc.

On a side note, my Indian sister-in-law (in an arranged marriage herself) was horrified when I told her about American dating. She could not believe so many of us don’t have our families looking out for us, that we have to go into the dating scene alone-without any help-and that so many women get very hurt in romantic relationships. I will never forget her gasping, “Those POOR American girls!”

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
9:48 am

Maybe less romantic and a lot more honest<—————————-It is time to explore the results of this…..the reults of romantic never change…….really why don't we want to truly get to know the other person….good post luvbug

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
9:48 am

testing….hmmmm

I am whatever you say I am ...Quoting Biggie All Day

May 26th, 2010
9:49 am

Money and blood don’t mix like two d**** and no b****
Find yourself in serious ish…..

When there is no chemistry it’s like bread without the jam.
Butter without toast
Ham without the burger

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
9:51 am

luvbug i like your post and 2 post didn’t come thourgh so I digress and will continue reading my work and lurking……..

lol

kimmie

May 26th, 2010
9:54 am

Morning Peeps!

Leggs, did you see Biggest Loser finale last night? Sherry looked sick in the face to me, she lost TOO much weight. And like you, Ashley really rubs me the wrong way. She’s probably unaware of it, but she looks like a major B when she pokes her mouth out. Micheal look phenomenal! Koli looked a little sick too, though I’ve been thru with him ever since he joined Ashley in throwing his cousin Sam’s woman Stephanie under the bus. He’s just jealous cause Sam got a girlfriend and he doesn’t!LOL!!!

On topic – If there were no chemistry, marriages would be just business arrangements. Yeah, you would have to find out more about the person because your mind would not be clouded with visions of sugar plums!LOL!! But that’s the deal – business is business. Emotions are what set us apart from animals. Now if you are too silly to consider the practical things about a person along with the intagible things like chemistry and vibes & looks, then you don’t need to be dating. Put it on the shelf until you grow up.

People try to negate the role chemistry plays in a relationship. You can have everything – money, fame, kids, material posssesions, etc, but if that chemistry is missing, the missing “element”, you feel as if you have nothing. Dismiss it if you want to, at your peril.

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
10:02 am

It is something about this topic that leaves me taping my fingers…….hmmmmm I am missing something somewhere with the perception of chemistry and reality…….hmmmmm

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
10:03 am

.hmmmmm I am missing something somewhere with the perception of chemistry and reality…….hmmmmm

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
10:04 am

what is up with the blog monster…..grrr….lol

Luvbug

May 26th, 2010
10:05 am

Thanks Lady J

gabrielle – I believe you…and agree.

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
10:06 am

families in different cultures all don’t have the same aim….what work for some surely won’t work for all…..it is a good insight though with a thought the same goal could be accomplished but hey to me that is re-writing history……

AmazonRed™

May 26th, 2010
10:09 am

You LOOK for attractive things in the other person and you focus on those things (rather than the unattractive things). I really do think that a lot of physical attraction-and chemistry-is a matter of perspective.

I love this. This is why I’ll go out with a guy who’s “not my type.” I believe in giving him at least a chance. But the problem is, if I don’t feel chemistry, I feel bad about accepting more dates because I don’t want to feel I’m using someone. Maybe with time feelings will change…but that seems so unfair to that person. You think they deserve to have someone that has a burning desire for them.

mqew

May 26th, 2010
10:09 am

Morning..

Why this topic make me wanna say, “If ‘if’ was a fifth, I’d be drunk as a skunk.”

I think WD is in a “New York state of mind”, ie Carrie… with the asinine questions.

If we didn’t have chemistry, what the hell are we in it for (Please xcuse the grammer)…

Kimmie – I agree. Dismiss it if you want to….

kimmie

May 26th, 2010
10:09 am

I am missing something somewhere with the perception of chemistry and reality

Lady J – We are discussing this for the sake of discussion, but to me it’s really common sense. Absolutely you have to be realistic about a person and be practical about the things they bring to a relationship, but at the same time, chemistry is what brings it all together. Two people may look exactly the same – on paper. But one just “does it for you” and while the other person may be perfectly nice, they don’t “do it for you”. On one hand, chemistry is not enough to base an entire relationship on, but on the other hand, I don’t see how a “romantic, loving” relationship would be more than a business relationship without it.

Lady J-Diamond in da Rough-Princess Cut & Radiant;Never have to front....

May 26th, 2010
10:13 am

then once again we agree kimmie and trust J is all for chemistry but my other eyes will be working to……romance is a great thing that I want to be apart always but it fades comes and goes but the reality of it all is there to me always…..it is what it is…..

mqew

May 26th, 2010
10:14 am

Amazon – I agree, cause most chics have had that dude pursue the hell out of them. Chic finally agrees to go out to give that dude a ’shot’. But in the end, THAT will either need to end soon and very soon OR it will end bad and very bad… one-sided chemistry ain’t gonna work.

Kym

May 26th, 2010
10:16 am

I am sorry but looking for those things that are attractive to you..might be the equivalent of going on a search for the Holy Grail..ok not that deep..but still sometimes if you are just not feeling the person..you are just not feeling them. To quote Bonnie Ratt..”I can’t make you love me if you don’t and you can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.”

LoveLife

May 26th, 2010
10:16 am

I dated someone when the chemistry wasn’t there initially. We just took things at a slower pace, and that can be a good thing. The relationship ultimately ended because we were in different places.

Chemistry with my guy was there from Day One. During tough times, good chemistry serves as an incentive to take the time and work through a problem.

@I am: I truly feel for you. Heartache sucks. Push through the breakup detox with some strong drinks, comedies on DVD, girl time and a playlist of “girl power” tracks. I always start with Beyonce!

kimmie

May 26th, 2010
10:17 am

Amred – To your 10:09, your last sentence is the big reason why I’ve never done well with the “give him a chance” program. While I’ve dated outside of my “type” before, heck my SO is outside of it in a lot of ways, there still was something there. I just have never been able to bear even spending an hour with someone I was completely unattracted to. And I think it’s incredibly unfair to that person. A lot of times when I talked to folks about that, they automatically assume I’m talking about a guy that is physically unattractive to me and 9 times out of 10 that was SO not the case! And sure, maybe feelings could change in time, but I value my time and other people’s time too. I won’t miss what I never had.