Dating 101: Don’t compare your date
Don’t bring up your ex on a first date, people. I know that this seems like a no-brainer, common sense kind of thing. I can even understand one random comment about your past relationship. However, any mention of your ex that somehow makes it seem as if they are the measuring stick for all future relationships is a huge no-no.
It is probably normal to glamorize about a past relationship or fling to the point that you actually leave out the crazy things that happened with them.. It’s just bad form to constantly compare the ex to the next. Why do you think things ended if they were so wonderful and great?
I know the ladies have a bad habit of doing this dating faux paus, but I believe men do it too. I have fought not to roll my eyes as one guy raved about his ex girlfriend and her “industry connections” and her ivy league education (ok, I was impressed by that one), and their travels around the world. Did I want to hear about it all the time? Absolutely not. I imagine he wouldn’t want to be listen to me rattle on about my “best ex” either.
Do guys ever compare their current girlfriend or date to their ex? Do you agree that it is normal to think of your past relationships when you are in a new one?
What would you do if you were dating someone who mentioned their ex a little too much for your comfort level? Would you bring it up or do you think it would make you appear insecure?
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375 comments Add your comment
The Truth
May 17th, 2010
8:25 am
I, at one time, was the world’s worst at doing this. I lost my fiancee to ovarian cancer in 2003 and was just heartbroken. After a couple years plus, I knew I had to live my life again and began dating yet I was not having any success or fun. Well, then I caught myself and saw the reason why. I was comparing these women to my fiancee and I had to come to the grips that I was being very stupid. It is never fair to compare people to those in the past. And for some odd reason, I was bringing it up at the worst times….I began to think my middle name was “the guy who tragically lost his fiancee”…
It takes a man to admit he has a problem but it takes a real man to ask for help. I got it at my church and now I totally understand how to move forward. And I think for those who are using the past as a benchmark, please MOVE FORWARD and let the past go. It brings terrific peace of mind and a happier life.
anonymousella
May 17th, 2010
8:34 am
i do that a lot, but not in the “best ex” way. my fiance is the best boyfriend i have ever had. that is why he got upgraded
. my comparisons are more along the lines of “wow! i am amazed at how much better you treat me than the dodged bullet did,” or “gah! i can’t believe how much life with the dodged bullet f**ked me over mentally,” or “i want to go back to spain with my fiance because he’d appreciate it so much more than the dodged bullet would.” … i try not to say this to the fiance. but i sure do think it… lol
Leggs
May 17th, 2010
8:57 am
Good morning…you said it right, this is definitely a no brainer.
Lady J-How can something so familiar be so strange...hmmmmm
May 17th, 2010
9:13 am
HA Leggs!!!!! LOL
Good Money Making Morning Crew!!!!!!!
Trevor0529 - 12 days until 42
May 17th, 2010
9:54 am
Good Morning,
I have nothing to add today so I will read the posts.
Lucinda
May 17th, 2010
9:54 am
g’morning all!
a related question: when do you discuss what happened with an ex with the new SO? You have to know something about it to move forward with the new SO, but how much detail do you give?
Trevor0529 - 12 days until 42
May 17th, 2010
9:58 am
@lucinda, it depends on how comfortable you are in discussing what happened between you and the ex. If it comes up on the first date, you may not want to scare him/her off but give enough detail and let them decide.
Lady J-How can something so familiar be so strange...hmmmmm
May 17th, 2010
9:59 am
Lucinda I feel early one….To me it gives me an idea where they are with it being over and dealing with unresolved issues and pain…..not that they want their ex back but if they haven’t embrace the failed relationship and made peace with it they can’t move forward and see all of you and what you have to offer…..a scorn man or woman isn’t what anyone wants or deserves…..stay alert and watch the red flags and make your decisions accordingly….I say…..
Lady J-How can something so familiar be so strange...hmmmmm
May 17th, 2010
10:00 am
meant early on….geesh…..lol…It doesn’t have to be a drawn out discussion but discussing it briefly will tell much…..
SlimOne...still buzzed
May 17th, 2010
10:05 am
Good morning all!
Living Life
May 17th, 2010
10:21 am
Good Morning all!! It’s a Monday.. Whew!!! @Lady J.. I agree with you on that the earlier the better so you both can make a wise decision.
Lady J-How can something so familiar be so strange...hmmmmm
May 17th, 2010
10:24 am
yes ma’am!
Luvbug
May 17th, 2010
10:30 am
Why would a person think it’s okay to go on about an ex to a current interest? What is the expected response? Thank you? That’s great? I wish I were your ex? I’ll prove I can be better than our ex?
What?
SlimOne...still buzzed
May 17th, 2010
10:31 am
I think when your last relationship was for a long period of time…say YEARS, I think the new person immediately is weary about dating you…I guess their frame of mind is that, it isn’t that easy to just let that amount of time with someone go…understandably so but it doesn’t mean it isn’t over either tho
Melo
May 17th, 2010
10:34 am
I think when your last relationship was for a long period of time…say YEARS
@SlimOne??!!
I agree altho I had a different,twisted take than urs.,esp on the Years part….
Good morning uall!!
Luvbug
May 17th, 2010
10:36 am
Front Page AJC…Woody Allen Supports Polanski
Really?! What a shocker!
Leggs
May 17th, 2010
10:37 am
@Luvbug ~ I saw that and said “hrrmmph, no surprise there.”
Lady J-How can something so familiar be so strange...hmmmmm
May 17th, 2010
10:37 am
gang I am hear great reviews on Just Wright a co worker compared it to When Harry Met Sally and Brown Sugar…….any reviews???? I will catch is Sat……whew this is the last week of school!!!! Thank God! LOL
Dig That
May 17th, 2010
10:38 am
Good morning ladies and gentleman.
LonelyLady35
May 17th, 2010
10:38 am
Dating Shmating—– But in order to apply all of the principles and words of wisdom~ I must first get asked out on a DATE!! UGGGGHHHHH! Where are all the great men in Atlanta?
kinderbabe--6 days and counting! woohoo!
May 17th, 2010
10:39 am
hey everybody…glad that it’s monday. last FULL week of school. woohoo!
Luvbug
May 17th, 2010
10:40 am
Leggs- I know right?! They should lock ‘em both up.
Leggs
May 17th, 2010
10:45 am
@LL35 ~ how would you feel if a guy kept saying when you want to go out just give him a call and he’ll take you out? What happened to him showing interest by asking you out as well? If the only time you guys meet up is when you call him saying “let’s do this, or let’s do that” wouldn’t you feel weird knowing he doesn’t ever ask you out???
Grace
May 17th, 2010
10:47 am
Good morning, talking about an ex on the first date is a hugh turn off and a red flag. Of course I’m curious as to what happened to end the relationship BUT to have it as a discussion on a first date stinks like road kill! that’s something that should be done during the intial conversations that leads up to the date, not on the date.
Dig That
May 17th, 2010
10:48 am
Woody is just as crazy
Wonderwoman
May 17th, 2010
10:51 am
@LadyJ- I saw the movie this weekend, and it was ok. I really wasn’t feelin Common. And him and Queen was just a no go for me! The story line was not that great either. The only thing I liked was overall concept, that was to see two AA falling in love. That story (AA in love) its not shown enough for me.
Grace
May 17th, 2010
10:51 am
KB @
kinderbabe--6 days and counting! woohoo!
May 17th, 2010
10:54 am
grace—yes, lawdy!!! lol. i will be happy to see may 25th roll around.:)
Lady J-How can something so familiar be so strange...hmmmmm
May 17th, 2010
10:54 am
awwww wonderwoman my co worker said just the opposite of you…she said their chemistry was natrual and flowed well together…..she wouldn’t shut up and I was just standing there awwwww really that is great! LMBAO!!!!!!!
I am with you I support all positve AA movies!!!!!!
Grace
May 17th, 2010
10:54 am
I think when your last relationship was for a long period of time…say YEARS, I think the new person immediately is weary about dating you—I’m just the opposit Slim, to me it means stable, even it they didn’t marry, quite the opposit of a serial dater, that I’m weary of.
Jeff
May 17th, 2010
10:55 am
I think women get a pass at mentioning ex’s more than men. Some women have no problem saying things like (I don’t tolerate …… because I had an ex or a daddy, or a brother) and we’re supposed to accept it as her experience. Well for Valentine’s one year, my ex did……
If men mention an ex, we’re still hung up on the ex.
Lady J-How can something so familiar be so strange...hmmmmm
May 17th, 2010
10:55 am
kb may 25th is our infamous forlough day!!!! hahaha! I will be cooking out somewhere doing NOTHING! LOL
Lady J-How can something so familiar be so strange...hmmmmm
May 17th, 2010
10:56 am
furlough that is who cares though ha!
kinderbabe--6 days and counting! woohoo!
May 17th, 2010
10:57 am
i can’t say talking about the ex solely is a huge turnoff BUT talking about them in the context of them being to blame for the relationship woes is a huge red flag. when someone always portrays themselves as the victim and fails to take responsibility for their part (no matter how big or small) in what went wrong, it shows a lack of maturity and self-assessment. part of growing is seeing how decisions we’ve made contributed to our relationship challenges.
Grace
May 17th, 2010
10:57 am
@ KB did you see the news where the teacher beat the student down. Not sure which school. I was shocked and saddened to see that. The way she came at that student like she was in combat, her physical movement alone scared the bejeebee’s out of me. It’s a darn shame.
kinderbabe--6 days and counting! woohoo!
May 17th, 2010
10:58 am
@ladyj…i hear you. i wouldn’t come to work either if we had furlough days. we actually have three planning days…til may 28th.:( the good part is that we won’t have to return after memorial day.
Lady J-How can something so familiar be so strange...hmmmmm
May 17th, 2010
11:00 am
once the budget is final we will have 7 next year
sigh…..tough times…but it will pass…..
kimmie
May 17th, 2010
11:02 am
Morning Gang!
Why is there a need to discuss what happened in past relationships at all, especially if one has never been married or engaged? Unless it was something major, ish just didn’t work out! I mean, if you’ve got some major issue with yourself that ruins all your relationships, go get help, then date. Otherwise it’s really nobody’s business or I really don’t care. I think things that go wrong can be unique to the relationship or the 2 personalities involved, timing, etc. Leave it in the past. I guess I say all this because I don’t recall going thru some long discussion with my SO about my exes or even having said discussions with other boyfriends. I may mention something here or there in passing, but nothing we need to sit down and have a “TALK” about.
Luvbug
May 17th, 2010
11:04 am
Dig That – Good Morning.
kinderbabe- Yeah, always making your ex/s the big bad wolf is a red flag for me too.
Grace- That was horrible!! I hear charter schools don’t require any certification or vetting…you can pretty much come out of high school “teaching” or supervising kids.
kinderbabe--6 days and counting! woohoo!
May 17th, 2010
11:04 am
@grace…oh no!! i didn’t see that. i’m almost afraid to read it…wow! was it in elementary, middle or high school?
kinderbabe--6 days and counting! woohoo!
May 17th, 2010
11:05 am
@ladyj…geewhiz!! that’s a lot of days! how can they expect ppl to come to work for 7 days w/o pay?….smh
PrincessNik
May 17th, 2010
11:08 am
Enter your comments here
you know me
May 17th, 2010
11:08 am
First time posting, but have been reading a lot recently.
Anyways, talking about the ex at the beginning at some point is good. You need to know what and where things went wrong in the past. However, don’t keep bringing dude up, even if it’s to make me look better. I’m tired of hearing his name this far into the relationship. At times it can make you insecure, even if you know they won’t go back to that person. Doesn’t help if you let dude keep texting you either. Nip that in the bud and forget that past or it will ultimately be a cause for your breakup.
Leo
May 17th, 2010
11:08 am
If someone speaks of their ex, first date or even following dates, then I have to wonder why and the first thing that comes to mind is doubts that they are over their ex. Even the bible says “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks”. If you are talking about them then you are thinking about them. Shouldn’t your attention and thoughts be on the person you are dating? I see ex talks as a red flag and my antennas go out immediately….
Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)
May 17th, 2010
11:08 am
The way she came at that student like she was in combat…..It’s a darn shame.
Grace I saw that video and she squared off on that boy like she was getting ready to fight a grown azz man. What’s even worse is that the child is/was a special needs child…albeit he had/has a history of disciplinary problems, she should’t have done that. There were also other teachers around who saw it and no one intervened…I think they should be reprimanded or something as well.
PrincessNik
May 17th, 2010
11:08 am
What’s up yall
@ Lady J, we will have 6 days next year, and they cut our contract from 260 days to 242 days so basically a whole month’s worth of pay.
Leggs
May 17th, 2010
11:09 am
@Grace ~ I’ve been wanting to discuss that teacher fighting that student. When she croched down with fists in the air, you knew she meant business. The teacher is 40 years of age seriously beating up a “challenged” student. When the video was over and she walked out away from the student, I was appalled to see there were other teachers on the sidelines watching the whole damn thing. How you become a teacher, advocating for students and desiring to teach them, only to turn around and beat the crap out of one of them?
you know me
May 17th, 2010
11:10 am
@kinderbabe – right on! I should have seen that one myself, but love is blind a they say.
PrincessNik
May 17th, 2010
11:11 am
AS far as discussing ex’s, if you have a question i will answer but i don’t just see the need to just discuss an ex. I mean my most recent ex has been actin a straight a-hole and the newbie asked me why we broke up and how long we were together in an effort to figure out why dude was acting up. But other than that no discussion.
Luvbug
May 17th, 2010
11:11 am
Kimmie- I agree…and likewise, I don’t remember having those types of discussions with a SO. I don’t pry either.
I would be hesitant to consider a long term relationship with a person who either always spoke ill of his ex…or who always doted on her.