Shacking up, southern style
I received a review copy of an outrageously funny book, Just Don’t Call Me Ma’am: How I Ditched the South, Forgot My Manners, and Managed to Survive My Twenties With (Most Of) My Dignity Still Intact (Best book title ever, right?!) by author Anna Mitchael. Mitchael perfectly described what it’s like to be a twenty something woman going against her southern roots and finding her own way, much to the chagrin of her opinionated family. Let’s just say I can relate!
The book is packed with gems like “well-traveled” va-jay jays and “olfactory glands don’t lie” that truly had me laughing uncontrollably. One particular chapter was about Cohabitation Crimes, a somewhat cautionary tale about shacking up. Living with your partner is a big no no to southern parents who are hardcore about traditional relationships.
Mitchael described her foray into shacking up as the time she spent living in “Too Close for Comfort Without Breaks for Federal Taxes or Non-Monogamous Sex-ville”. Oh yes, I can imagine what she went through when she told her southern family that she was going to go live in sin. Yeah, they still call it that!
Have you ever considered shacking up with your partner? Did you take a lot of heat about it from your family and friends?
If you were raised in the south, have you found it difficult to navigate the modern day dating scene that isn’t always traditional?
Do you think that your traditional southern upbringing has helped or hindered you when it comes to dating and relationships? If you were raised in the north, did you have to adjust your dating habits when you moved here?
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547 comments Add your comment
SlimOne
May 13th, 2010
8:26 am
Good morning folks
I’ve already done the shacking up thing. No one ever came out and gave me a speech or lecture on shacking up but whenever I would talk to my dad, he’d always go “moooooooo” on the phone and ask me how the cow was doing. (THe whole, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free thing) OR if I needed a little extra help on something he would immediately ask me about my SO at the time. I guess in a father’s eyes, if you’re going to play house, then the dude you’re with needs to be able to take on that responsibility in whole…not partly.
kinderbabe--8 days and counting! woohoo!
May 13th, 2010
8:28 am
this will be a funny read today, i’m sure.:) i was raised in the north but both of my parents are from the south. my mother has VERY conservative values. i find that as i get older, they become more relaxed on what’s acceptable for me in the dating realm. i’ve noticed that since being in my mid 30s, they don’t care as much about me living w/someone. good thing they don’t because I AM…LOL. i thought they would be very disapproving when they found out me and my guy were living together. surprisingly, they were cool. i think that if i were 10 years younger, it would have been a much bigger deal.
SlimOne
May 13th, 2010
8:29 am
kb – but I wonder if they would still be relaxed if you and the SO went to stay with them for a weekend…Same room or separate bedrooms you think? lol
Crafty1
May 13th, 2010
8:30 am
There are many people with traditional values who aren’t Southerners, just as many Southerners consider themselves progressive. This article is inane and full of stereotypes– not what I would expect from someone who considers herself “wise.”
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
8:33 am
happy for you kb!!!!! enjoy your ride!!!!!
CMS
May 13th, 2010
8:37 am
Moooooooo! Hahahaha! I’m sorry but that was funny.
PrincessNik......Friday where are you?
May 13th, 2010
8:38 am
My personal decision is not to shack. Although, my last long term bf and i did “live” together for about 3 months but that was never going to be a long term arrangement even if we had ended up staying together. That short period of time just reinforced my thoughts on myself and co-habitating. However, my mother didn’t know for sure we were staying together, she had her suspicions though. She wouldn’t ask me though, she would try to ease it out of my sister. And my sister are firm believers in don’t ask don’t tell, if you want to know about our biz, you have to ask us we will not “give up” the other LOL.
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
8:41 am
friday has been lost all week pk…..lol…..i am ready too! 5 more days! woo-hoo!
I am whatever you say I am
May 13th, 2010
8:44 am
I don’t believe in shacking up. I require a marriage license, wedding ring, ceremony, etc…
If others want to do it, that’s their business and I don’t judge.
I just know what works for me.
Carlito
May 13th, 2010
8:45 am
It is not a Northern or Southern style. I am not from the south, but I was raised on a farm. “Shacking up” is a no-no. I have never done it and it is frowned upon by those I know that share my same values. Shacking up should not even be an option IMO. My “traditional” upbringing, in regards to dating/relationships) helped me. Not interested in the bells and whistles or the posturing, I am more into the person, who she is, her upbringing and family. Not in and out of relationships or bed with multiple partners.
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
8:47 am
hey -I Am!!!!!!
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
8:49 am
Carlito you are very traditional bruh!!!!!
PrincessNik......Friday where are you?
May 13th, 2010
8:50 am
If others want to do it, that’s their business and I don’t judge.
I just know what works for me.
@ I am, that’s my thought too. The only reason i did that 3 month stint was because he got laid off and didn’t have anywhere else to go at the time. TRUST if it had not been for that, NEVER woulda happened.
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
8:55 am
pk I never have to do it again…did it once and that was that…now as a mother or even if I wasn’t no ma’am……..as I swallowed my pride and moved back in with my mom vs a roommate or a shacking situation it has been the best personal decision for me…..I applaud those who are mastering it……
kinderbabe--8 days and counting! woohoo!
May 13th, 2010
9:01 am
slimone…oh no, what i choose to do in my house is what i do….when we visit my parents (which we have on 3 different occasions), we sleep separately. they are fine w/what i choose for myself but i would never try to impose my values onto them. i know that once we are married, we will sleep together at their place. i am o.k. w/that. now, when they come to visit us…they know what it is. i don’t make any special accomodations. if they are not fine w/our arrangements, a hotel is not that far away…lol
Carlito
May 13th, 2010
9:02 am
Lady J,
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
9:02 am
kb grown woman style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kinderbabe--8 days and counting! woohoo!
May 13th, 2010
9:06 am
thanks, ladyj.:)
hey princessnik, carlito and iam! how goes it?
Leggs
May 13th, 2010
9:07 am
Good morning, everyone!
I shacked up once, married him and later kicked him back to the curb. End of story!
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
9:08 am
same story legs for me same damn story! LOL
Leggs
May 13th, 2010
9:08 am
That 9:01 is gospel…esp the hotel part!
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
9:08 am
leggs!!!!!!!!!! smh I am eating candy for breakfast excuse me! LOL
Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)
May 13th, 2010
9:12 am
Have you ever considered shacking up with your partner?
NO and never even almost thought about it….
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
9:13 am
lmao sassy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Carlito
May 13th, 2010
9:13 am
Morrus, I read the sports blog and you post the same things there. Do you just copy and paste on all of the AJC blogs?
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
9:14 am
Morrus I hope Roy Barnes is afforded another opportunity sir!!!!!!!!!!!!
AmazonRed™
May 13th, 2010
9:16 am
I’m from California but shaking isn’t encouraged there either. Go figure. I think it speaks more to values then location… anywhoo.
I’ve always said I wouldn’t shack up. I have no desire to “play married” til I actually am married. However, I fell in love and I have considered it. Still wasn’t gonna happen, but it was suprising the things that love make you want to do.
My baby sis shacked up before marriage. My parents were NOT happy. His southern parents were NOT happy. I do think it was cool that my parents didn’t harp on her decision tho. She was grown, she made her choice, my parents accepted that. My parents have always been great that way. Anywho, the pressure from his family and the guilt eventually led them to elope. So it worked for them.
@ms_jones74
May 13th, 2010
9:16 am
Both of my brothers shacked up and my parents didn’t say much, but if I’m honest I think they’d see it differently if it were their baby girl. My father was in town a few months ago and I caught him surreptitiously looking for “man details” and even made a joke that I must have moved my man out before he came over. I laughed but I think he was serious!
I am well into my 30’s and at this point wouldn’t even sit still for a lecture on what I do in my own relationship. As for me personally, I can’t see living with my man until I am married to him. I am not all that “progressive” when it comes to living together, and I don’t think I would consider that an option unless it were financially necessary. Even then I’d probably do whatever I had to do (i.e. live with family/friends until the wedding) to avoid living as a man’s wife before I am her.
Kym
May 13th, 2010
9:19 am
Good Morning All,
I hope this is not going to turn into a North vs South battle today.
Yes I did shack up with a guy..I didn’t get alot of heat from my southern family, well not that I remember. I was grown, he was grown, when I moved back home, no one said “I told ya so” well not to my face anyway. I can remember my aunts and uncles saying make the boy marry ya’ll. Ya’ll too quick to just shack up!
I have lived in the south all of my life and traditional values or not I find it difficult to date period. There seems to be this shift in values period. I think it has nothing to do with the south but more my expectations. I am just not feeling some of the approaches of these dudes lately. It’s like they have no clue how to talk to a woman, I guess because if your lame line works and you can get it..why not keep it going. **sigh**
kinderbabe--8 days and counting! woohoo!
May 13th, 2010
9:21 am
@leggs…OKAY!!!! i have never been the type to make a choice and then put it off on everyone else. what i choose for me is for me. i also an open minded enough to adapt to the values of others. if i am that out of sync w/what you’re doing, i just won’t come around rather than sit around and judge you to death. i expect the same consideration. i let my parents know that if they were going to be outwardly disapproving, i could refer them to several nice hotels in the area. and the same goes for me and my man, if we are so bent on sleeping together every night, regardless of how the host and hostess live, WE need to go get a hotel. you know?
AmazonRed™ - A Beach Peach
May 13th, 2010
9:21 am
Whoops, forgot to say “good morning” to the room. Where are my Southern manners?!
DreamsMaterialize
May 13th, 2010
9:24 am
Morning
To shack or not to shack. I have done it, and I can see the advantages and disadvantages of it. Living with another person is ALOT of work and takes ALOT of adjustment. There are some things you would never know about a person unless you lived with them. Sometimes I think I’d rather know prior to marriage if there are some living habits that I could not live with.
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
9:26 am
morning ared……
thinking back if we did catch flack we weren’t listenting we made the decision to move to atlanta together and both sets of parents knew…..we were college sweethearts meaning it wasn’t random or spur of the moment…we came with $150 together on May day and the rest is his/herstory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMBAO!!!!!!!!
I will explain the pros and cons to my daughter but @ the end she will do what the hell she wants….I think all my aunts and uncles and mom and dad shacked…..grown folk do what they wanna do……and deal with their experiences differently….
A CONSERVATIVE
May 13th, 2010
9:26 am
AND WHEN YOU TALK TO YOUR OWN DAUGHTER ABOUT FOLLOWING TRADITIONAL MORAL VALUES..(& U did SHACK UP)…..HOW DO YOU SELL TRADITIONAL VALUES….when you shacked up-?? Think about the future when you have a daughter.
Go Back to New York, Losers!
May 13th, 2010
9:27 am
If a Southerner defiles himself/herfself and marries rude, foul-mouthed, loud-talking, foul-smelling, no-turn-signal-using…. yankee, a divorce attorney shall one day make a profit.
AmazonRed™ - A Beach Peach
May 13th, 2010
9:28 am
HOW DO YOU SELL TRADITIONAL VALUES….when you shacked up-?? Think about the future when you have a daughter.
The same way you tell em not to have sex before marriage, even though you probably did.
PrincessNik......Friday where are you?
May 13th, 2010
9:29 am
Hey KB!
DreamsM, you made it in to work after all huh?
JtJ
May 13th, 2010
9:31 am
Morning All,
Okay, this is my current status…LOL! I have lived with my now-fiance for over 4 years. Can’t say I was extremely comfortable with in the beginning, especially because we both have kids from prior marriages. We had been together for almost a 1 1/2yr but,the decision to do so wasn’t planned; I lost my job after suffering migraines that caused me to go to the hospital several times and even had an episode where I passed out in the kitchen and had to be rushed to the hospital. After being out of work for while, we talked about it and decided it would be best for us to go ahead.
Now, my 87 year old grandmother called it a “shame” and said you better go on down to that courthouse and make it legal. “If he can live with you, he can marry you, too.” No one else really cared, although I think his parents were not too thrilled about it in the beginning. We also had a daughter about 9mths after me moving in, so…um..yeah..it kind of all worked out.
I am not quick to judge what people do in their lives, I knew I was not going to be a “long-term shacker”, so I was cool with it.
JtJ
May 13th, 2010
9:32 am
Correction: Lived together a little over 3 yrs, not 4.
Lady J-Laughing is soothing for the soul......:~)
May 13th, 2010
9:32 am
why are you shouting?????????????? it is not about selling I will explain and share my story and she will make her decisions……I will pray she doesn’t follow my footsteps….but I followed my parents so it is a 50/50 risk…..as kids become grown ups they set their paths….all I can doo is offer adive with a realistic approach in hopes of a different outcome….geesh conservative….
Black Girl
May 13th, 2010
9:32 am
The decision to shack is neither Southern or Northern, it’s personal. I would guess that in most instances it’s based on religious values. I’ve known people to shack and they hated it. There are some things that should only be shared between a husband and wife. Sleeping in the same bed together every night should be one of them.
Dig That
May 13th, 2010
9:32 am
Good morning erybody
I am really tripping on this. How do we choose which values we want to hold on to. I don’t and will not shack with him without the wedding ring but I will let him beat it up as often as we can before the ring. I’m not really understanding maybe someone can explain the difference.
A CONSERVATIVE
May 13th, 2010
9:34 am
SHACK UP….& then have buyers remorse..THINK LONG..& HARD before you do it..What are you bringing to your MARIAGE when you do go for it…HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MARRYING A WOMEN who has had several LOVERS-??/ And you are number-????
AmazonRed™ - A Beach Peach
May 13th, 2010
9:34 am
We also had a daughter about 9mths after me moving in, so…um..yeah..it kind of all worked out.
That’s happened to some of my shacking up friends too!
Melo
May 13th, 2010
9:34 am
I think it speaks more to values then location
@Ared!!??
how about San fransisco?? what do they do there??
Morning folks!
Dig That
May 13th, 2010
9:36 am
@A Conservative- we had that talk yesterday
A CONSERVATIVE
May 13th, 2010
9:37 am
WHEN YOU COMPROMISE YOUR VALUES…YOU DON’T really have any..strongly held values…
AmazonRed™ - A Beach Peach
May 13th, 2010
9:37 am
Quiet melo!
A CONSERVATIVE
May 13th, 2010
9:38 am
MOST LIBERALs in public life….R very conservative at home..behind closed doors.:::..RUSH LIMBAUGH
Ellen
May 13th, 2010
9:39 am
No shacking up. It makes it that much harder when things break up.