You got served, by the ex?
I’ve been reading more and more reports about wives who are pursuing litigation based on the “alienation of affection” laws. This means that there are legal consequences for anyone who knowingly participates in an affair with a married person.
In North Carolina, a jury awarded Cynthia Shackelford $4 million in punitive damages and $5 million in compensatory damages! If that isn’t a cautionary tale about the risks involved with dating married men, I don’t know what is. Obviously, single people aren’t the only ones mate poaching, so to speak. I would be interested to know the statistics on how many are, though.
In situations where you meet someone great and they are not exactly out of the marriage “yet”, would you consider pursuing a relationship anyway? Doesn’t the timing seem off when they aren’t completely free to be with you yet?
What would you do if you met and fell in love with someone who has not yet officially divorced? Would you tell them you can wait? Would you be concerned about getting sued by their ex? What would you do if you were subpoenaed as part of the divorce court proceedings of the person you are dating?
What do you think of the alienation of affection laws? Are they really grounds for pursuing legal action or is this really about being scorned and getting revenge?
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278 comments Add your comment
ATLBred
May 10th, 2010
9:00 am
Morning All,
Wow, that’s crazy. Mistresses might want to rethink.
As far as getting involved with someone that isn’t divorced yet….I follow the famous words of Andre 3000….
“Don’t do it Reconsider.
Read some liter-
ature on the subject…..”
Kym-The Department of They strikes again!
May 10th, 2010
9:03 am
Good Morning All,
Ohhh we get to talk Law today!!! Yippie!!
Okay question one..dating one who is not yet divorce..Been there done that..would I do it again..depends on the guy. The guy I dated and loved was divorcing and I pretty much knew it was over when it started because he married her for all the wrong reason…but I digress. Yes if the person is truly serious and has put their intentions on paper and in the court system. Yes I would date them. As for concern about being sued or appearing in court..can I give the answer of “Colossal Waste of Time..Mine and the Court. No I am not going to worry about someone suing me because their spouse left them..because frankly suing me would get them nothing but the satisfying feeling of dragging me in the middle of their mess. Which brings me to my opinion of alienatio of affection laws..Colossal Waste of Time!!!..We are a sue happy nation as it is. Correct me if I am wrong(Poppa G) but were not alienation of affection laws in place for spouse vs spouse..in other words if one spouse is no longer giving the other spouse the intimacy they need? I think lawyers(my favorite group of people) have found yet another loopy way to keep themselves busy. Because what will be the end result? Oh I know the pending debaters will say..”It will keep women from cheating with married men!” Yeah right and maybe bunnies will grow wings and fly. Adultry is one of the commandments for a reason..because since time began it has been going on. I mean my goodness King David..sent a man to the front of the battle..so he could get his wife..so err I don’t see fear of a lawsuit bring a sudden wave of chasity to all mankind. This is just scorned women(I haven’t heard of any cases of men doing this) wanting some get back at the person or persons who they feel hurt them. I mean we are human, we don’t like rejection..bruised egos..we want to lash out. But seriously the nation’s courts are full with foolishness..what is the point in adding more to it.
ATLBred
May 10th, 2010
9:09 am
@Kym – Just wondering..(in a non-judgemental voice) How come you couldn’t wait to date him until he was officially divorced?
SlimOne
May 10th, 2010
9:14 am
Good Morning Blogsville…
I would be nervous about dating someone who isn’t yet divorced…not necessarily because of the chance to get sued by the scorned lover or because he may be lying about no longer wanting the marriage…but my concern would be more of, Is he Really going to be ready to be with me the way I need him to be after a fresh divorce? Is he going to be bitter and anti-marriage when it comes to me…is he going to be in wilding out mode once the ink is on the divorce papers and use me as a rebound to gain confidence to get back into the dating world? Those would be my thoughts….
Kym-The Department of They strikes again!
May 10th, 2010
9:17 am
@AtlBred(just answering in a non-what’s it to you way)..because he was someone I knew before he ever got married. So we had alot of common history.
Lucinda
May 10th, 2010
9:23 am
It’s crazy to date a married person. But, if the divorce is really going through, it’s filed in court, there is NO chance they will reconcile, they aren’t living together, there isn’t a custody battle, and you want to jump in, then, hey, go ahead. But I would be extremely reluctant to do so. Why not just be friends and wait for the final papers??
On another note, anybody who dates a married person who is NOT getting divorced gets no respect from me. That’s just wrong, any way you spin it. Wrong.
kinderbabe--13 days and counting! woohoo!
May 10th, 2010
9:28 am
good morning all!:) @kym, i have known ppl in that situation and agree that it’s on a case by case basis. no two situations are the same and need not be treated as such. @lucinda, i agree that it is CRAZY to date a married person. there are so many games going on and it is the EXCEPTION and not the rule that the marriage is really over when two are separated. i understand why waiting is the best thing to do. it ensures that it is really over. then again…i know a divorced couple who mess around more than they do when they were when married but once again that is an EXCEPTION…lol.
It's me....lurker
May 10th, 2010
9:30 am
What would you do if you met and fell in love with someone who has not yet officially divorced?
Why are you interacting so much so with a “MARRIED” person that you’re in deep enough to fall in love? Married is married is married and one has no business even tap dancing on the married wo(man) stage. Just wrong on EVERY level. So umm, someone still married is off limits.
PrincessNik
May 10th, 2010
9:32 am
I agree with It’s me….lurker
AmazonRed™
May 10th, 2010
9:34 am
Morning all!
I know it sounds crazy to have these wives sue mistresses and husbands and whatnot…but ish is getting out of hand. The side chicks now get book deals and Oprah interviews… oh hellz no. H0es are getting way too comfy these days!
So while it does sound crazy to get sued…the stories of these affairs are getting crazier and crazier… something has to be done to wake folks up.
AmazonRed™
May 10th, 2010
9:39 am
In situations where you meet someone great and they are not exactly out of the marriage “yet”, would you consider pursuing a relationship anyway?
I tried this in my 20s. It made sense…the papers were filed, the wife had moved to another state…he was gonna get divorced (and he did). But there was still drama. He wanted his playa card back. He wasn’t trying to settle down with anyone right away.
And at the end of the day, he was still legally married.
I’d absolutely would wait. In those situations the longer you wait, the more time you have for all the dust to settle.
DreamsMaterialize
May 10th, 2010
9:39 am
Morning
The spouse is the one with the contractual and spiritual obligation, so they ought to be the only ones who can be penalized during the divorce. I’m thinking there’s good reason why 42 of the states have abolished the tort Alienation of Affection. Now consider that the states that do recognize them are Hawaii, Illinois, North Carolina, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Utah. Not exactly the states that I would want setting legal precedent.
ATLBred
May 10th, 2010
9:40 am
I question why a married person is looking for someone to date when they haven’t finished the last chapter of their life.
My two cents
May 10th, 2010
9:42 am
What does it take these days to get a divorce, No Time. Just wait
It's me....lurker
May 10th, 2010
9:45 am
The side chicks now get book deals and Oprah interviews… oh hellz no. H0es are getting way too comfy these days!
I am by no means a ho, side ho, former ho but I get a bit sensitive when the scales get tipped a bit. If he’s crazy enough to hook up with a ho, a crazy ho at that, I say take it to the max. I NEVER listen to Steve Harvey’s show but I was hitting the scan button from the steering wheel (mmm hmmm) and happen to hear him RANTING (idiot) over the Strawberry Letter. He’s just plain stupid and ignorant on EVERY level. I just wish for once, he would zip those astronomically big soup coolers…permanantly ranting about how stupid some chick was/is/should be/shouldn’t be…whatever his county bumpkin tail was saying. As many examples of what happens when married folks cheat both men and women have every day all day, please let’s not get into it anymore on who’s the most ignorant of the two, or who’s too reactionary, or who’s more stupid or who’s too brazen, or who’s unjustly getting air time…blah blah blah…man or woman, take all the air time you need. If you don’t want your business kicked around the streets don’t set it out on the sidewalk. Please not today.
AmazonRed™
May 10th, 2010
9:46 am
I question why a married person is looking for someone to date when they haven’t finished the last chapter of their life.
In their head they’re finished. They checked out years before, then seperated…they’ve had time to understand their marriage is through. The divorce part is just paperwork.
Kym-The Department of They strikes again!
May 10th, 2010
9:47 am
@AmazonR I understand the feeling of urgency…but I would argue that it is a small..small..small group of mistresses or side chicks getting book deals and Oprah interviews. The average Joe or Jane are not one trying to get caught or caught up in the foolishness. I believe for the 10 women who jumped into the Tiger spotlight..there are 10 more(apparently Tiger was spreading the love) who didn’t say a word. I am sure Monica L was not the first to give Bill a presidental bj she was just the one who sought the limelight. In the end most of the women who come out..windup fading into the mist..never to be heard from again.
SlimOne
May 10th, 2010
9:48 am
ATLBred – i would assume that they’ve checked out of the marriage long before the actual divorce begins…after being bogged down by the ball & chain, I would assume they are ready to explore their new found freedom. Sort of like in high school as seniors near the end of the year…they tend to get senioritis and sort of check out of mentally of the whole school/thinking/work thing. They are simply ready to PARRRR-TAY
AmazonRed™
May 10th, 2010
9:50 am
Kym – Good point.
And this has been happening since the beginning of time. It’s just now folks feel less “shame” out it…so it’s flaunted more, I think. I say make em wear a scarlet letter again!
ATLBred
May 10th, 2010
9:56 am
I get that…but it just seems like an unnecessary burden to still have while trying to date new people.
Chelle
May 10th, 2010
10:01 am
Good Morning Bloggers!!! Great Monday topic…that has happen to me twice..feelings got in too deep..then buddy decides to tell me “I’m married but we’re seperated”….STOP THE PRESS!!! Got out of that situation quick – it took a minute for me to get over him but it wasn’t worth it…Even today only one of them is divorced…SMH..SN have a great day everyone
Dig That
May 10th, 2010
10:02 am
Good Morning All. Hope everyones weekend was well.
Slim- I believe you have valid questions and perspective on this. Divorce is no play thing and unless you were far removed from the marriage in the first place, it is a time for emotional discord and sense of rebuilding. It just seems that I wouldn’t just want to rush into a new relationship. I need to take time to find me again and understand the dynamics of a single person again. You don’t want to be that rebound broad or beau if you are looking for something tangible. Let him/her get their crap together.
SexyCool
May 10th, 2010
10:05 am
Three Words Daily – Think. Plan. Execute.
SlimOne
May 10th, 2010
10:06 am
Dig That – I have a cousin that did that for her ex…was that shoulder to lean on, helped him deal with the whole divorce process, custody battle etc…and not even a few short months later, they’ve broken up, he’s moved in with some other chick and she’s left feeling dazed and confused. Talk about folks come into your life for a season…hmph
SexyCool
May 10th, 2010
10:07 am
Been there. Done that. Have a gf who is going through it right now.
What I found most interesting my past situation and my gf’s current situation, was/is that the soon-to-be ex-wives got especially nasty and vindictive once there was clear evidence that the divorcing husband had moved on to another relationship.
Headache. Bllsht. Will not repeat.
AmazonRed™
May 10th, 2010
10:13 am
the soon-to-be ex-wives got especially nasty and vindictive once there was clear evidence that the divorcing husband had moved on to another relationship.
I’d act that way too if it was gonna run a chick off and vow to never mess with a divorcing guy again.
AmazonRed™
May 10th, 2010
10:13 am
*and make her vow to…
SexyCool
May 10th, 2010
10:15 am
LOL, ARed. It certainly worked on me.
Dig That
May 10th, 2010
10:16 am
Exactly Slim. And it is not fair to her and it may not even was his intention however it seems to happen like that more often than not. It’s ok to be support, just not a crutch. Fools rush in.
Leggs -
May 10th, 2010
10:16 am
Good morning, everyone!
Very interesting topic. It behooves me to say this, but been there done that and I threw the tee-shirt back at him.
I was young and dumb. I learned quickly not to mess with another woman’s husband, even if divorce papers are filed. Reconciliation is possible even then. In my case, I was too young to settle down with him so he asked his wife to reconsider, and she did. I’d bet $100 that they’re probably divorced now!!!
It's me....lurker
May 10th, 2010
10:16 am
What I found most interesting my past situation and my gf’s current situation, was/is that the soon-to-be ex-wives got especially nasty and vindictive once there was clear evidence that the divorcing husband had moved on to another relationship
I’d say rightfully so….but that’s just IMO
It's me....lurker
May 10th, 2010
10:18 am
I was too young to settle down with him so he asked his wife to reconsider
too many options for men that are trifling….sometimes we’re enablers
Raqi
May 10th, 2010
10:18 am
DreamsMat I agree.
It seems that these types of law are stating that the only one that should be held accountable or made to pay is the outsider. What about the spouse that cheated? They are the one that stepped outside of their marriage. I wish people stop making outsiders responsible for other folks actions. I really doubt if people are putting guns to folks head saying “cheat on your spouse with me or I will shot you”.
I mean you sue the outsider but what part did the spouse play in it all? Alienation of Affection? Hell the detachment from the union could very well be there before the other person comes along. Suing someone talking about you being with their spouse took their affection away from you. SMDH Hell your spouse made a choice to be with that other person and not you.
If my husband cheats on me that is a choice he is making. He is a grown man and can think for his damn self. Me suing some other woman will not take away from him being a totally douche bag for wronging our marriage.
If a person is a cheat that is what they are going to do. What good is it to sue one person when if it was not that particular person they cheated with it would be someone else? It’s not the outsiders job to make the cheating spouse do the right thing. If their own spouse and marriage vows is not enough to make them act right, what makes you think and outsider will be able to make them behave.
Stop blaming the other person. Look at yourself and the one you married.
DreamsMaterialize
May 10th, 2010
10:19 am
Divorce is usually a very emotional situation for the spouses, the children, possibly family members, even close friends. Why in the world would I want to add the additional emotional dimension of another chick to the mix? Maybe I’m just emotionally lazy, but it just seems like WAY too much.
Dig That
May 10th, 2010
10:23 am
You are right Dreams. It is wayyy too much.
Raqi
May 10th, 2010
10:24 am
I was told by a friend that a lot woman (and men too but mostly women) do tend to reconsider even after the papers have been filed when they see their husbands moving on because when they see that another woman wants him, they see the attractiveness of him again. I even heard some people start acting “happier” during the divorce and after getting with someone else therefore making the estranged spouse like them again.
Melo
May 10th, 2010
10:24 am
I question why a married BUT DIVORCING person is looking for someone to date when they haven’t finished the last chapter of their life.
@ATLBred??
because they deserve prime lamb chops with mash too!
Really its because a dyckk dont think and rationalise like u doing now!
Clear??
Dig That
May 10th, 2010
10:25 am
@Raqi- When everything falls apart, the first and natural reaction always seems to be the blame game. And that is one game none of us want to be admit to be the winner of
SexyCool
May 10th, 2010
10:26 am
I don’t think there is ever any just cause to become nasty and vindictive just because a person has moved on. It’s not a good look. At all.
And besides, if you are in the midst of a divorce, prevailing logic should say that the relationship is dead or dying at best, why cause even more damage and drama ESPECIALLY when there are children involved?
DreamsMaterialize
May 10th, 2010
10:26 am
What I found most interesting my past situation and my gf’s current situation, was/is that the soon-to-be ex-wives got especially nasty and vindictive once there was clear evidence that the divorcing husband had moved on to another relationship
I’d say rightfully so….but that’s just IMO
Is it ever “right” to be vindictive?
SlimOne
May 10th, 2010
10:27 am
I think the ex-wives become vindictive once they learn their ex-husband has moved on because it’s a hard pill to swallow to think they are able to move on THAT fast after however many years spent with you…almost makes you feel like you weren’t worth that much to them…I’ve never been married or anything, but it can’t be any different after getting out of a long term relationship to only find out your ex-SO is already popping someone else’s cherry, or remarried, or moved in with another chick, or even get someone else preggo…Talk about blow to the ego
It's me....lurker
May 10th, 2010
10:27 am
Okay Dreams, let me rephrase…understandably so
It's me....lurker
May 10th, 2010
10:28 am
and to your question, no it’s never right to be vindictive but it ain’t right to cheat either.
AmazonRed™
May 10th, 2010
10:28 am
LOL, ARed. It certainly worked on me.
Raqi
May 10th, 2010
10:29 am
DreamsMat, a guy I used to work with once said that because his divorce was so emotional and tiring that other person gave him comfort from it all. She was his haven of peace from dealing with the battles with his soon-to-be ex. But you know he said the soon-to-be ex started wondering why he “all of sudden” became less aggravated with the whole thing and she wanted them to become friends again. He didn’t entertain her “new found love” for him. He went thru with the divorce.
DreamsMaterialize
May 10th, 2010
10:30 am
it’s a hard pill to swallow to think they are able to move on THAT fast after however many years spent with you
The divorce papers are usually just the papers that seal the deal. One of the parties usually checked out/moved on a long time ago.
i'm swiss
May 10th, 2010
10:30 am
Good morning, folks….
On topic: I can’t understand why someone would want a relationship with anybody whose loose ends were still flopping around all over the place — especially if those “loose ends” are a not-yet-ex-wife. Just asking for drama. I can see why the still married party might be ready to move on, if he/she had already mentally checked out long ago, but I have no idea why someone else would willingly invite that mess on themselves.
Speaking of divorce, I’m going through a pretty messy one at the moment… I’m divorcing the Hawks! I’m done. I can’t take anymore
disappointmentembarrassmenthumiliationmidieval azzz-whoopins! And I’m now on the market for a new favorite NBA team… Hey, Orlando’s a real looker….SlimOne
May 10th, 2010
10:30 am
“I even heard some people start acting “happier” during the divorce and after getting with someone else therefore making the estranged spouse like them again”
Raqi – I know a couple that got married, divorced then re-married. LOL They seem to be happier now and making it work. Guess that’s a case where a legal separation probably would’ve sufficed. I suppose that when you live in close quarters with someone, it’s easy to take them for granted…then when you get back out into the dating world and see the issues you have to deal with then, it helps you to appreciate what you did have in your SO.
SlimOne
May 10th, 2010
10:31 am
“The divorce papers are usually just the papers that seal the deal. One of the parties usually checked out/moved on a long time ago.”
Dreams – you are right but still to the party that wasn’t as checked out as the other…to them it’ll still seem too fast for comfort. I know for women, it’s definitely hard to just cut your feelings off at the drop of a hat.
Raqi
May 10th, 2010
10:34 am
Yes DigThat I know, but to blame a person outside of the union is just crazy. I don’t know, if I find myself in that situation I may do the same. But now, at this moment I think it’s wrong to blame the outsider. Yeah that person is wrong and should own up to the wrongdoings but the problems of the marriage lies with the spouses not the one on the outside. ‘Cause you know if not with Mr/Ms. A it will be with Mr/Ms. B, C or Z if it’s just in the spouse to cheat.