Should you change? Don’t make me makeover
Somehow we manage to fine one another, become attracted, and then start a dating relationship. It isn’t until after we have become comfortable that we start suggesting that our partner start to make changes and vice versa.
Why are we always so excited about finding someone great, then start asking them to change into somebody else? I’ve been guilty of this myself. I had to catch myself from giving my guy a wardrobe makeover! He was dressed enough to get me, why did I suddenly make him my fashion pet project?
When you are in a relationship, do you ever get the urge to makeover your mate? Have you ever “suggested” changes? From small to huge changes, do we really have the right to ask someone to makeover their appearances, personalities, or behavior?
What do you think? Are you of the “love me or leave me alone” school of thought? Or do you think, “they are making me a better man or woman?”
When is it ok to make the change and when is it a bad idea?
Happy Thursday!
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463 comments Add your comment
kinderbabe--13 days and counting! woohoo!
May 6th, 2010
8:22 am
if you’re not changing in a relationship then you’re not in one. good love is transformative…always. if someone feels like they don’t “need” to change then congratulations on being perfect, you can live the rest of your life alone…lol. but seriously, good love brings about positive change.:)
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
8:24 am
Good Morning!!!!!
People are who they are and you will fail at altering them…..work on yourself, focus on you, if they can’t compliment your style or you can’t theirs keep it moving……it is ok to listen to advice and draw your own conclusion with what direction you want to take but to just change your blueprint bc someone can’t dig your style…..naw not at all…..when someone shows you who they are believe it and be wise…..
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
8:26 am
kb it is ok for the positive change!!!!!!!!!!
SexyCool
May 6th, 2010
8:29 am
Accept what is.
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
8:30 am
needed that read sistah!!!!! good post sexycool!
Jeff
May 6th, 2010
8:31 am
Why should I change what I wear in public when you won’t wear what I want in private, and no-one else can see you?
SexyCool
May 6th, 2010
8:31 am
Once dated a guy and I *hated* the way he dressed. We didn’t last past about four or five dates over a month or so. A nice guy. I just couldn’t get over the fact that he dressed like a *big little boy*.
Living Life
May 6th, 2010
8:33 am
Good Morning all –
@Lady J..You are so right. You should not try to change people. Accept them for who they are and if they want to change then they will.
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
8:34 am
hey Living Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jeff too damn funny too early! lol
Kym
May 6th, 2010
8:42 am
I don’t mind change we are human we all have to change..What I do mind is when a woman or man..gets with a person in the hopes to change them. If you are only with the person because you feel the need to martyr yourself to the cause of helping them get right. Then you are in it for the wrong reason. Yes it’s natural to change for the better. But I think it is insane to get with someone and then try to change or make them over into this perfect man or woman..to suit our desires.
Grace
May 6th, 2010
8:43 am
Good morning! this topic brought this song to my mind.
Don’t make me over
Now that I’d do anything for you
Don’t make me over
Now that you know how I adore you
Don’t pick on the things I say, the things I do
Just love me with all my faults, that way that I love you
I’m begging you
Don’t make me over
Now that I can’t make it without you
Don’t make me over
I wouldn’t change one thing about you
Just take me inside your arms and hold me tight
And always be by my side, if I am wrong or right
I’m begging you
Don’t make me over
Don’t make me over
Now that you’ve got me at your command
Accept me for what I am
Accept me for the things that I do
Accept me for what I am
Accept me for the things that I do
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
8:43 am
preach kym……to me it shows insecurities with self…..really…..
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
8:44 am
grace perfect song!!!!!!!
And to backit “Keep on moving don’t stop” —————Yellow is the color of sun ray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
8:48 am
and kym those that enter a relationship and lose their self and change and just stop living their life just live it for their mates and what he or she wants…….I am all for individuality and keeping your identity through it all
PrincessNik
May 6th, 2010
8:50 am
^ 5 KB
I agree with your post. However, i will go deeper and say it’s one thing to evolve, versus someone trying to make you something or someone you are not.
rebelliousrose
May 6th, 2010
8:59 am
I think cosmetic changes are different from emotional ones. I tend to spruce up the men I date, since I have good taste in men’s clothing (I’m a designer) and they all call me after the relationship ends for fashion advice- but I would NEVER try and change the person they are. Sometimes little changes are the grease that make the relationship run smoother (who among us hasn’t dreamed of the man who puts down the seat or puts the roll on facing forward?) but on the whole, you fall for a person as they are, not as you wish they would be.
Great article. Bravo.
SlimOne...eyes wide shut
May 6th, 2010
9:01 am
Good morning all.
kb – I think your post is true. However, there is a fine line in wanting to improve your better half and trying to control them. That is the key. When a person’s suggestions become obsessive and wanting to change a person into a total 180 from who their core person is…then that can be a problem. Say for instance, when you meet your SO, they are a very social person…always doing something, activities, events etc…but after the relationship progresses, you now want them to just be under you all the time, knowing that’s not how they were when you met & dated…that’s wrong. Yes, i can see if you simply would like them to consider spending some one-on-one time with you but to try to make it a must that they stay at the house is about control
Leggs
May 6th, 2010
9:07 am
@Raqi ~ you got mail!!
PrincessNik
May 6th, 2010
9:08 am
Great Post Slim!
Leggs
May 6th, 2010
9:09 am
Ooops, Good morning good people!
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
9:19 am
morning leggs!
DreamsMaterialize
May 6th, 2010
9:20 am
Morning
Why are we always so excited about finding someone great, then start asking them to change into somebody else?
This is becaue we have decided that we can’t find the perfect person with all the items on the list checked off. So, instead we find the person with as many items checked off as we can, and then try to complete that checklist after we “got” that person. In other words, we know we can’t find the perfect person, so we try to find someone and MAKE them the perfect person for us.
I do expect people to change/grow for the better, and they should expect that from me as well. The problem comes in when our definitions of “better” are drastically different.
PrincessNik
May 6th, 2010
9:23 am
The problem comes in when our definitions of “better” are drastically different.
@ DreamsMaterialize, so true
AmazonRed™ - Mentally tough
May 6th, 2010
9:29 am
Morning
When you are in a relationship, do you ever get the urge to makeover your mate?
Never. I’ve always been comfortable with who I am, so I tend to meet people who are comfortable with who they are. And since I’m not into superficial things…like what he’s wearing, I don’t feel the need to make him a project. Character has always been more important to me, and you can’t really change that.
Now one thing I will do is encourage my mate if he wants to change something about himself. Losing weight, quitting smoking, changing jobs…if you keep bringing up you want to change, I will support you and encourage you to actually quit talking about it and start doing it.
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
9:29 am
yep
Randyt (aka Should have known better the first time on most of this stuff)
May 6th, 2010
9:33 am
Simple questions, simple answers. Real changes can only work if you genuinely see things in yourself that you know need changing. Changing for someone else that inside you do not fully embrace never work for long because there is no “fake it until you make it” in relationships. You have to ultimately be who YOU are, and if the change is only external, not internal, it will not work.
Randyt (aka Should have known better the first time on most of this stuff)
May 6th, 2010
9:36 am
Regarding the “urge” to change your SO, I suspect women are really guilty of this…or at least thinking about it. I just don’t recall it ever being successful. As the saying goes, “never argue with a pig, it frustrates you and irritates the pig”.
mqew
May 6th, 2010
9:45 am
This topic reminds me of a song that every time I hear, brings me to tears… My SO has been more than an inspiration in my life for positive change… He saw the best in me and waited patiently for me to self-actualize
Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I’ll be forever thankful, baby
You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through
Through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’cause you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me, ooh, baby
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love, I had it all
I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe, I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because
I was loved by you
PrincessNik
May 6th, 2010
9:46 am
Mqew that is my song! It makes me think about my dad, that was going to be our father daughter dance if he had lived long enough to see me get married.
abc
May 6th, 2010
9:47 am
No kidding, chicks want to change their men? Really? Well, I’ll be… hm hm hm.
A man seeks that really special someone… who will leave him alone.
A woman looks for the perfect man — for them to change.
mqew
May 6th, 2010
9:47 am
I love that man!!!! Let me go did out some ribeyes and lobster tails out the deepfreezer to bbq for dinner!!!
mqew
May 6th, 2010
9:48 am
Dig out
SlimOne...eyes wide shut
May 6th, 2010
9:50 am
mqew – Awwww (sniff, sniff) I haven’t had my whole 1st cup of coffee. It simply is too early to be crying.
Lady J
May 6th, 2010
9:50 am
awwww to cute mqew!!!!!! keep enjoing the ride and dinner!!!!!
mqew
May 6th, 2010
9:52 am
Princess – I am NOT a fan of Celine… she can sing, but I don’t like looking at her, it’s something about her face….
It was happenstance that I heard it cause I don’t listen to stations that would play it….
M. (pronouced M dot)
May 6th, 2010
9:53 am
Thursday.
I think people always want to have an impact on the person they are dealing with. Why they want to change them is probably because they see other things that they think they want so they try to get that same affect without causing the problems of going outside the relationship to get it.
Honestly, guys never really want to change the woman they are with, but this may sound shallow, but I think guys want a woman who can flip alot of different looks; i.e., a woman that can look like alot of different other women. Remember we are visual. Keep us guessing, give us different looks, etc. I know women put alot into their appearance but being able to change it up will always score you points.
I know I am about to get stoned for saying this but ladies….if you see yourself getting a little facial hair, ( I know this is a syndrome that cant be controlled) but it can be waxed; just put some wax in the budget and keep it pushing!
PrincessNik
May 6th, 2010
9:54 am
mqew it was in a movie with michelle pfeifer (sp) i can’t think of the name of the movie now, that is how i heard it initally, but i actually purchased that whole cd i like listening to her, but not looking so much LOL
PrincessNik
May 6th, 2010
9:56 am
M.
I am with you on the facial hair, please do something about that LOL I as a female don’t even agree that is okay
mqew
May 6th, 2010
9:59 am
Slim/Lady J – Please believe when I first me him, I thought I was skrait. I was at an “I Got This” place. Didn’t (think) I needed nor did I actually want a man…
That was 15years ago when we met… or found our soul-mate
Steven Q. Stanley
May 6th, 2010
10:00 am
Once women get 30+ and not married, the pickings are slim. Sorry ladies, but beggars can’t be choosers.
It’s common for 30+ women who’ve failed to land a man yet, to pick up suitors who are not up to snuff. When you hit 3 decades, “settling” has to become part of your vocab, there simply aren’t that many good men out there. The good ones got snatched up you friends who don’t have personality flaws that prevent them form being marriage material. Since you older ladies are landing these flawed beau’s it is common to want to make them over and try to turn them into you “Mr. Right.”
Big mistake. If you hit 30 and are still single, it’s not time to make over a man, you need to make yourself over, and make yourself more desirable to men who don’t need to be made over. Time to drop a few pounds, be a little less needy, get over yourself, and maybe stop being so grumpy during that time of the month.
M. (pronouced Mdot)
May 6th, 2010
10:04 am
@PrincessNik
LOL I was just saying. I wear very little facial hair so she cant have a barry white look going on…lol
AmazonRed™ - Mentally tough
May 6th, 2010
10:07 am
What kind of Teen Wolf type women are you dealing with M. Dot? Fly divas would never allow that to be seen.
AmazonRed™ - Mentally tough
May 6th, 2010
10:09 am
When you hit 3 decades, “settling” has to become part of your vocab, there simply aren’t that many good men out there.
Steven Q – LOL. This isn’t 1956. Men and women in their 30s are hitting their stride. There are plenty of good men out there, in addition to the ones coming back on the market for the bad love choices they made in their 20s.
Steven Q. Stanley
May 6th, 2010
10:11 am
I am one of the ones who came back, I went younger. Women near or over 30 and still single, well there is always a good reason they are, and it isn’t because they focused on their careers. Guys coming off a divorce want a nice 20-25 year old.
purposedriven28
May 6th, 2010
10:13 am
Relationships should enhance a person’s life and not deflate it. If a change is going to put someone in a better career, life, or financial situation, I think most would welcome that. Right now I’m working on my outlook on life…it’s been so negative for so long that it’s difficult to change..I have someone in my life to point that out because they know it can be toxic in the long run. When I learn to find the silver lining in every cloud, I will be happier and everything and everyone around me will be elevated. But simply being critical of someone because you don’t like things about them is just plain mean and abusive.
We can all certainly stand to shake things up a bit, but it’s all in the approach.
AmazonRed™ - Mentally tough
May 6th, 2010
10:14 am
I am one of the ones who came back, I went younger.
Good for you. However, there are plenty of reasons why folks who are never married are still single in their 30s. And it’s not always because there is “something wrong” Nor are the pickings out there slim either.
Melo
May 6th, 2010
10:15 am
Good morning!!
I don’t know how u can tell that somebody entered into a relationship with the sole purpose of changing the other person into something else..better?? How do u make that conclusion?
if you’re not changing in a relationship then you’re not in one. Good love is transformative
@KB ..I agree with that.
U evolve and grow with new influences, with time. If the two op u become incompatible,becoz sometimes, pple do grow apart, then u cannot stop the inevitable.
Those are the risks of getting into a relationship with some one.
Giving the other person a make over may not actually be a bad idea becoz sometimes, u like the character and background of the person u are dating but not necessarily their fashion sense.
Are they rigid in their mentality or they are openness to new things?? Those are the qstions u have to ask urself and that poses the risk to u if u decide to commit to them.
My Queen buys me stuf all the time (coz i personally dont keep up nor care for fashion and malls) and says,”hey, try this, that’s the new
fadfashion!” Sometimes, I clearly like the stuff and other times, i will say,”hell Naw, those jeans are too tight on me, they make me look like a mid-town Atl resident” No harm!So my advice to the up and mobile ladies, make sure ur guy is not rigid otherwise u run the risk of getting disappointed if u suggest new ideas that don’t jibe with his concrete-like mentality!
Morning!
LoveLife
May 6th, 2010
10:15 am
I just want my guy to eat a damn vegetable that isn’t out of a can or hidden inside a sour cream dip. Can the brother just eat a vegetable?!?
I’m trying to be healthy and want the same for him. But after a few unsuccessful attempts, I realized that what he does works for him. He works out like a fiend and drinks plenty of water. I stopped pushing and have faith that we will meet somewhere in the middle.
PrincessNik
May 6th, 2010
10:15 am
Guys coming off a divorce want a nice 20-25 year old.
Could this be because most times in that age range they haven’t “come into their own” and those men are looking for someone they can “control” noooooooo of course not
Sassy Me..Sun Kissed :-)
May 6th, 2010
10:16 am
Steven Q – LOL.
OKAY?! I needed a good laugh.