I got burned: Post-breakup behavior
A male friend of mine was lamenting about dating after his recent break up. He was in a dating relationship for six years (!) and now that he is newly single, he’s not exactly ready to mingle yet. The relationship ended badly and he had his heart broken. This, of course, leads him to believe that women can’t be trusted, least of all with his heart.
I recognize the signs already. This is the evolution of a player. This is when a woman or man has put their all into a relationship and it goes south. They look back and think that it was not worth it and start to shift their perspective about relationships or the opposite sex.
I’ve been through this phase myself, so I can relate. You simply can’t stay in Bitterville for long or you will end up being the Mayor! No good can come from moving there. How do you keep things in perspective when you have been burned?
What do you do when your split with someone has affected you negatively? How do you make sure that you get what you want in your next relationship without dragging all the bad baggage from the previous one?
I know that men and women are naturally different, but who takes a longer time to get their emotional bags unpacked? How can we learn to help each other with this so it’s a win-win for a new relationship?
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519 comments Add your comment
LeeH1
May 5th, 2010
8:32 am
A dating relationship of six years is not dating. If there was a fear of commitment on either side, then this is a big sign that the relationsip is not what it is thought to be. But after a while, someone needs to make a decision, and it appears this decision was postponed for 5 and half years.
There is a reason for marriage- it forces the issue of commitment. If the person gets all the benefits of marriage, without the commitment, then why should he/she commit in the first place? Someone was usng somone, and he is lucky to be out.
If you need training in commitment, go buy a small dog. They need a minimum of care and attention, but give back an excess of love and devotion. Once your relationship with the dog is secure, then go back to dating. You’ll find you’ve changed your attitude.
Uncle Lee
Leo
May 5th, 2010
8:32 am
Your friend should not mingle again until he is completely ready, nothing wrong with taking time to heal but to remain bitter is hurting his own self. I can’t stand a whiner and he would turn me off immediately. He needs to put it behind him and move on. Breaking up with somebody after a long period of time is hard for everybody, not only because of the emotions and/or bitterness involved but also because life with that person had become a “habit”. Breaking up is like breaking a habit, you have to completely change your life and find other things to fill it with. My ex gave me good reasons to end it after almost 6 years but even with good reasons it was hard. He kept trying to get me back and it was tempting but I KNEW it was time to move on – and that is when I realized and he and the things we had done had become a habit – and habits are hard to break.I read once that “whatever broke you up is fine, because you deserve better”. I now have something better but it took TIME.
Good Guy Getting Greater (4G) - betta den ur 3G
May 5th, 2010
8:37 am
Good Morning!
WD, I myself definitely feel his pain. Six years? Dang…:-(
I’ve been through that phase myself, but I think after a long relationship where you really love that person and have invested in them (especially if infidelity is the case) it does become harder to trust the ones you give your heart to afterwards if your heart hasn’t fully healed. Then again, I think it all depends on the person. You got some guys who get out of a long relationship and go right back to gettin it in lol IMHO those who do go right back to get it in probably didn’t value the relationship that much to begin with so they’ll be alright.
But for me, after a long relationship, it used to really get me down (especially when i was younger), but now I just look to The Lord for guidance and most importantly I just naturally have a positive attitude to keep myself in check until I’m ready for another ship I’m living life to the fullest, being single (which some people swear is soooo horrible), and bettering myself every single day. The more you bitch and moan about how so and so did you and why it didn’t work out, the less happiness you get to enjoy in the day…like my boy Jose says “Just put one foot in front of the other and keep it movin!” lol
But i definitely think women generally take a longer time to unpack the emotional bags…because they’re usually the ones whose emotions are so into the relationship. You don’t too often hear about a guy making his girlfriend pay for his ex’s mistakes…it’s usually the other way around.
Carlito
May 5th, 2010
8:50 am
I can not say for a fact who gets rid of emotional baggage quicker. I can say, from my observation, that some men and women make bitterness a lifestyle. They constantly are in self validation mode or are always bringing up what is wrong with someone in their past. Maybe that is how some heal or just place a temporary band-aid on the issue. The other side is avoidance,(how I handled it) I just refused to really talk about it or address it. I did not bring down or look down on the female gender but I made sure not to get “to close” to a woman and immersed myself in my own life.
DreamsMaterialize
May 5th, 2010
9:01 am
Happy Cinco de Mayo
The healing process is different for everyone. Some immerse themselves in their work, some isolate themselves socially, some hit the gym, some go to church more, some go on a dating binge. Do whatever it is that you think is most conducive to your healing process. Just don’t hurt anyone else while doing it.
Beautiful *Absolutely cannot be you.....I'm way too busy being me*
May 5th, 2010
9:14 am
don’t mean to hijack blog . . . sorry need advice.
i’ve been woke for a little while. found a very painful lump in my right breast last night. *i guess it’s my turn cause every female in my fam has had some type of cancer* i know what is to come. sooooo . . . i should lay off dating right??? don’t wanna really put him through this. we are a new couple. i’m so hurt right now. i just knew it was gonna skip me.
thanks!
Luvbug
May 5th, 2010
9:19 am
After a breakup, I usually take a break from dating and serious relationships.
Dreams- I agree.
DreamsMaterialize
May 5th, 2010
9:20 am
Beautiful
Be optimistic and go get it checked out. It’s possible it isn’t what you think. As far as your new guy goes, be honest with him, but don’t make his decision for him. Lay the cards on the table, tell him you understand if he’s not ready to deal with something potentially serious, and then let him decide. Keep your head up and stay optimistic.
ATLBred
May 5th, 2010
9:22 am
My experience after a bad breakup is take time out for YOU. Don’t rush to get into a relationship, but give yourself some time to focus just on you. Six years he’s been focused on someone else….so it’s definitely time for some him time.
@Beautiful – I think you should let him make that decision whether he wants to deal with it or not. Just let him know that there would be no love lost if he thought it was too much to handle. Just my two cents.
Luvbug
May 5th, 2010
9:22 am
Agree again.
Trevor0529
May 5th, 2010
9:24 am
@beautiful, I am not sure how long you have been dating this guy but first go see a doctor. get confirmation on the lump to see if it is cancer. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
SweetMC
May 5th, 2010
9:24 am
Beautiful, no need to apologize. I honestly think you should schedule an appointment with your doctor ASAP! And please don’t assume the worst bc it may very well be benign. Furthermore, the new man in your life deserves a chance to decide whether he wants to be with you during the process. Give him a chance and know that you’re in my prayers.
Kym-Past Mayor and City Controller of Bitterville, U.S.A.
May 5th, 2010
9:26 am
Good Morning All,
Okay first off there is no time limit on staying in the Heartbreak Hotel, Bitterville, U.S.A. Some folks check-in and never check-out. While it not healthy, it works for some and frankly I feel like if someone has moved in its all the best for the rest of the world if they sit there by the Pity pool, drinking Crown Royal, Jim Bean or whatever they like and have their own pity party. Instead of out and about spreading their bitter vibes on others.(That is when you get the Player and Playettes..been there done that) Also I don’t think one sex spends more time hanging out in Bitterville. I believe it depends on the person, and the more others intervene trying to force that person over to Sunnybrook farms..the more they will crave the poolside cabana over at the Heartbreak. The only way a person gets out of Bitterville is when they are ready to leave or they have been certified a loon and shipped out to part unknown. Otherwise they leave in their own due time, hopefully after spending some quality time with self.
j-mike
May 5th, 2010
9:28 am
after the breakup with the fiancee, she left me with a ton of credit card debt…it still stings everytime i get the monthly bill, so i’m constantly reminded of it. i think for guys it may take a little longer..so now i ask about the girl’s FICO score before it becomes serious.
abc
May 5th, 2010
9:40 am
You don’t “unpack emotional baggage” insofar as not having it anymore. Things like that stay with you. You learn acceptance and hopefully gain some wisdom, so you can see the bad things coming in advance the next time, and recognize the good things for what they are.
I once bought a total lemon Chrysler; I won’t buy a Chrysler again, but that doesn’t mean I won’t drive a car.
Hanging on
May 5th, 2010
9:48 am
But sometimes, breaking up is a mistake, and one of the hearts may know it more than the other heart. If it is true love, it will come back, for it has no where else to go, not really. The heart that recognizes this has to be patient. It’s not exactly Heartbreak Hotel that is involved but rather accepting the status of a widower, until God grants the miracle of re-birth whether it occurs in this lifetime or not. As long as the person is secure within,happiness and love continue to bloom, although romantically, they remain single. Players may spring forth from this, but no harm is done, as long as the player is honest with others regarding the committed state of their heart. Miracles happen. It’s in Gods hands.
Leggs
May 5th, 2010
9:48 am
Good morning, everyone!
@Beautiful ~ first, don’t diagnosis yourself. I understand it runs in your family, but try and stay positive. It may not be malignant. You can talk to your new friend about what’s going on and that you’re going to make a doctor’s apptmt. Let him be involved if he wants to. Not cool to immediately shut him out. I wish you the best and hope you’re wrong! Stay strong.
Anyone getting out of a long-term relationship should take time and console self and soul! I know some feel its best to get under someone to help with the healing process, but I disagree. Work on yourself and shed as much unnecessary baggage as you can during your self-reflection. Harboring bitterness is unhealthy and the wrong you feel wronged you is still winning. Take hold of your life and your heart and mend it for the next person.
Mr_NYC
May 5th, 2010
9:49 am
@abc — Your comments ring true with me.
My opinion is that we are to some extent products of our environment, upbringing, and past experiences. You spend a significant amount of time doing something or with someone and it becomes a part of you.
The challenge is to acknowledge and recognize and manage it so that it doesn’t totally overtake you.
So yes if your past partner cheated, you may have a heightened sensitivity about it than someone who has not been in that situation; and so on.
We move on by not allowing the negative to rob us of the chance to enjoy satisfaction and fulfillment with someone who does truly value and appreciate our worth and allows us to flourish and give in a healthy relationship.
If we look at the actual number of members of the opposite sex we have direct personal experience with and include those we have second-hand knowledge of versus those available and out there and to be discovered; its not realistic just to pre-judge them all on the basis of such a small number that have crossed our paths.
There are great people out there and in due time we will have our blessing.
i'm swiss
May 5th, 2010
9:50 am
I can totally relate to your friend’s position, Wise. I was with my ex for over 10 years before we split, much of that during my college (read: prime sport phlucking) days… I wouldn’t say it necessarily turned me into a player, but I did feel compelled to make up for some lost time & go into man-wh@re warp drive…
I didn’t consider myself a player, though, as I made absolutely no bones about my intentions — I just found some like-minded she-wh@res to have a good time with (and there were plenty of them) 
I won’t go so far as to say it was therapeutic… but, in the words of Halle Berry, it made me FEEL GOOOOOOOOD… 
And then, once I got that out of my system, I was open to actually being in a relationship again. Matter of fact, I think it really has made me better relationship material, as I no longer have any unexplored fantasies lingering in the back of my head (either of them)…
Simple Man!!!!
May 5th, 2010
9:52 am
My Dad use to always tell my brothers and I that ” The only way to get over a woman is to get on top of another one”. It was funny when we were young and a kinda crass message for 16 and 17 year olds but Now I finally get his message…You can’t stay down. The only way to win is to get back in the game!!!
PS. I tried to think of one more cliche to get in there, but came up dry!!!:)
M. (pronouced M dot)
May 5th, 2010
9:58 am
Wednesday.
We you get burned, you have to just charge that situation to experience and dont allow it to accumulate into baggage. That person was then and this is now. Move forward. He really wont be able to get over the situation unless he gets back up and out there in the game.
Also you need to put yourself in a position to move on and get new options. Work out, do something good and new for you so you can get your mind off the past situation. When you have options, you wont lower your standards. Also, options does not mean dating Atlanta, but it also does not mean sitting at home thinking about someone who is not thinking about you.
“I know that men and women are naturally different, but who takes a longer time to get their emotional bags unpacked? ”
For guys, it may take a while but also you need to just move on. I always noticed when I was getting over an ex, whenever I was dealing with someone new, I didnt even think about my ex or bring them up. It makes you look bitter and like you arent over them. Let it go.
M. (pronouced M dot)
May 5th, 2010
10:00 am
@Simple Man!!!!
LOL I just saw your post and I agree with your dad. Never heard that. Great quote!
Build a bridge and get over it
May 5th, 2010
10:02 am
@ Simple Man!!!..I’ve heard that saying before and your heart and soul becomes like an onion if you keep going from woman to woman without figuring out what went wrong with the previous relationship. Instead of fixing what went wrong, they are covered up by another relationship and not dealt with, so when you get with a WOMAN you really love and those layers begin to peel back, the stench gets stronger and stronger!! By the time you get to the core, you’ll be lucky that ANYONE wants to be in such a relationship. What is the saying when it comes to a Woman getting over a bad relationship? Will she be viewed as a good Woman who had a bad series of relationships or will she be viewed as something less??
Carlito
May 5th, 2010
10:05 am
M, I agree if you are constantly bringing up the past relationship or experiences. One is not over them or the situation. Yes, there is healing in discussion but once you are healed, let it go otherwise there is still more healing to do.
Kym-Past Mayor and City Controller of Bitterville, U.S.A.
May 5th, 2010
10:07 am
Well the one way I work thru anything is with music. If I am blue I play some blues, if I am sad, or upset I play songs to help me thru.
Lucinda
May 5th, 2010
10:09 am
Many of you have said to take some time out before dating again. I agree.
My question is, how long do you think is appropriate?
If a couple have been together, say, 10 years, how long should each take time out before dating again?
Carlito
May 5th, 2010
10:11 am
Kym, I love music as an outlet. Anything is better than pushing bitterness off on innocent bystanders. Did you watch 24? Jack is on a roll.
Simple Man!!!!
May 5th, 2010
10:11 am
Build a bridge and get over it
May 5th, 2010
10:02 am
Your question regarding how women are viewed under these circumstances is a fair one… But as my handle says, I am but a simple man and as such have no answers
. But i do believe that it is possible to overthink a breakup…most times the issues are fairly apparent and the sooner one gets to the point of acknowledgement, the sooner that whole get on top of someone else thing can apply….
Trevor0529
May 5th, 2010
10:13 am
Many of you have said to take some time out before dating again. I agree.
My question is, how long do you think is appropriate?
It depends on the individual and how they get over their respective breakup.
Leggs
May 5th, 2010
10:17 am
“If a couple have been together, say, 10 years, how long should each take time out before dating again?”
Each person is different. No way a timeframe can be given!
Kym-Past Mayor and City Controller of Bitterville, U.S.A.
May 5th, 2010
10:17 am
@Carlito…Yes I did watch 24..Jack should have shot Dana and Cole because he is stupid. Okay well maybe not Cole..but I can’t wait until he finds out Logan is involved in this whole mess..! I want Tony A..to come back, but with only 4 shows left in the series(I am going to cry when its over I just know it) I doubt Tony makes it back. The writers were just wrong for not letting Rene live..its not right for Jack not to have a woman..saving the world in a day..you need someone to love up on after its over.
PRINCESSNIK...be better, not bitter
May 5th, 2010
10:21 am
What’s up everyone,
I agree that one should take a break from dating after a break up such as the one Wise Diva mentioned. That’s a loooooooong time and there are obviously some issues that will need to be dealt with. However, life does go on. On to bigger and better things, whatever that may be for that individual.
Now me personally dating someone for 6 years to quote New New “unt unh not gon happen”
Raqi...Headed for a Walk in the Park
May 5th, 2010
10:22 am
I have suffered a broken heart a couple of times and while I thought my heart was irreparable at one time I learned that time does heal wounds.
As for baggage, sometimes it just a matter of finding the right person that will help you carry it. None of us are without some sort of scar or evidence of being broken or as we like to say, baggage. After you have taken the time to let the brokenness mend you can carry on.
I have been bitter in my days. Very bitter. A guy didn’t stand chance at one time in my life. LOL But you know I eventually got over it.
AmazonRed™ - Mentally tough
May 5th, 2010
10:22 am
Morning all –
Sucks for dude. If he thinks he’s not ready, he’s not. He needs to sit on the sidelines til the evaluation is done. No need to rush into something new only to get burned again or hurt someone else.
I have a strong disdain for my ex. But I can’t let my past hinder my future. I have ill feelings for him, because he lied about things til the bitter end and it really wasn’t necessary. But all I can do is count it a blessing that I see him for who he really is. I’ll be damned if I let that hold me back from moving on to someone I deserve.
i'm swiss
May 5th, 2010
10:24 am
Is 10:30 too early for tequila?
PRINCESSNIK...be better, not bitter
May 5th, 2010
10:26 am
AmazonRed™ – Mentally tough
May 5th, 2010
10:22 am
Morning all –
Sucks for dude. If he thinks he’s not ready, he’s not. He needs to sit on the sidelines til the evaluation is done. No need to rush into something new only to get burned again or hurt someone else.
I have a strong disdain for my ex. But I can’t let my past hinder my future. I have ill feelings for him, because he lied about things til the bitter end and it really wasn’t necessary. But all I can do is count it a blessing that I see him for who he really is.
@ARED
I have an ex just like that! Then once he realized he had lost a good woman he wanted back in and bad, to the point that my brother and the fellas had to be like look dude leave her alone she doesn’t want anything to do with you!
Raqi...Headed for a Walk in the Park
May 5th, 2010
10:26 am
I think the longer the relationship lasted often depends on how long it will take to get over it. Just like you don’t fall in love over night, you can’t fall out of love in one day. It takes time. The longer you are together the stronger the bond grows. You have to detangle your heart from that.
Leggs
May 5th, 2010
10:27 am
Bitterness and revenge are wasted emotions. Sure, I’ve been hurt, but not to the point that I wanted to take revenge and hurt back via keying cars, slashing tires or stalking. Bitter is a strong word. I’ve been hurt where I’ve been knocked to my knees, but I didn’t go around spewing hatred for mankind. That’s bitter. Role with the punches (take as much time as needed), dust yourself off and walk again with head held high!
PRINCESSNIK...be better, not bitter
May 5th, 2010
10:27 am
oops didn’t mean to copy the whole post
Kym-Past Mayor and City Controller of Bitterville, U.S.A.
May 5th, 2010
10:27 am
@Swiss..Yes, Yes it is.
Trevor0529
May 5th, 2010
10:29 am
_Is 10:30 too early for tequila?_
Just a bit too early. 11 am is the right time.
Lucinda
May 5th, 2010
10:30 am
3 months? 6 month? 1 year? 2 years? What would scare YOU off? (If person just got out of 10 year relationship — how much healing time?)
Just curious about what’s a red flag
Raqi...Headed for a Walk in the Park
May 5th, 2010
10:31 am
Bitterness and revenge are wasted emotions.
Leggs, you are right but sometimes it takes going thru it to realize on the other end it was just wasted time.
When I parted ways with my son’s father I broke up some of his stuff. At the moment I was doing it I thought it made me feel better. For those short few minutes I felt a feeling of revenge but I soon learned that smashing stuff does not mend what is in the heart. I had to process that hurt. I had to cry. Then I had to get over it. The whole situation with the kid and stuff made it take a couple of years to get over but it did happen. I started dating again with less bitterness.
Lucinda
May 5th, 2010
10:31 am
(and I’ll drop it after this, promise)
Carlito
May 5th, 2010
10:31 am
Kym, Tony A coming back would make a huge wave. I do not think Rene should have been killed as well. You are right once Jack finds out Logan is involved he will kill him.
AmazonRed, Mentally tough!!
I think the hardest thing after a break up or in being bitter is when we have to look at ourselves and how we individually contributed to the carnage. As human’s we tend to think that we did everything correctly, if we search internally I think we all can spot something we could have done differently. Whether it be not forcing the relationship, staying around when there were obvious signs or did we have any influence in the person spazzing out on us.
i'm swiss
May 5th, 2010
10:32 am
Kym / Trevor — Yeah, you’re probably right. Corona it is!
Raqi...Headed for a Walk in the Park
May 5th, 2010
10:34 am
Lucinda one of my friends dated a man that was newly divorced. I think about 5 or 6 months divorced from being married for several years. She found out the first time that they were intimate that he was not over his wife. He called her his wife’s name.
Carlito
May 5th, 2010
10:34 am
As long as it took you to get into it, do not be mad if it will take you just as long to get out of it.
Build a bridge and get over it
May 5th, 2010
10:34 am
@ Simple Man, I agree it is possible to overthink a break up… because NO ONE wants to be considered a failure when it comes to relationshiops. You said “the sooner one gets to the point of acknowledgement, the sooner that whole get on top of someone else thing can apply…”, however, that’s a double standard when it comes to relationships. I would like to be considered a free thinker when it comes to dating, because if there were no available Women, WHO would the Men date? It’s just so very contridicting to pat a man on the back for getting back on the dating horse, but for the Woman, she’s to lick her wounds before getting back in the dating scene!!! In any event, I think we are on the same thought pattern, just have a different way of expressing it.
ShallowHolly
May 5th, 2010
10:36 am
Hi Everyone! I have a question… is it ok to break up with someone after dating them for year because they tell you that they can not afford an engagement ring? How long should one wait to date again?