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Dating interrupted: Why women need male friends

I have a small group of male friends that I consider like brothers.  I’ve known them long enough to trust their judgment and definitely listen to their advice on dating!  I don’t always like what they say, and I definitely don’t always love the way they say it.  These guys mean well but they aren’t real big on tact.  It’s pretty straight, no chaser kind of feedback I get from them.

When I asked one of them to go to the Nightline Face-Off debate earlier this month, I somehow got a dating  lecture.  Vince didn’t understand why I needed to go to any debate/forum about relationships.  He seemed to think that a lot of women (read: me) sabotage our own chances with potential matches because we don’t like being happy.

I, of course don’t agree and prepared an impressive rebuttal with evidence of my concerted efforts to get coupled up.  He counter argues (he’s finishing law school, a clear advantage over me) with my line up past of seedy characters and bad selections.

In my defense, I truly believe that I haven’t had major dating misadventures in the last three years. At the same time, Vince made me wonder about the little things I subconsciously do that probably are counterproductive.  Such as having a crazy busy schedule and not making time for the time-worthy men I meet.

This is why it is good to have boy “space” friends.  Ladies, they call you on your stuff when you need it.  They do not sugarcoat no matter how much you threaten them using blackmail. Do you have people in your life who you trust to give you sage advice?  I don’t just mean dating advice, but self-improvement in general?  How did you come to trust this person so much?

Who do you seek out when  you aren’t able to recognize the bad dating habits that are interrupting your dating life?  I recall dating a man that literally had no close friends.  At the time, I found it really odd but I think men are totally different in that they don’t require the same friendship connections that women do.  What do you think?

Guys, do you have little to no male friends you consider your to be in your “inner circle”? Is it pretty common for a man to have no close friends? How healthy can that be emotionally? Or do you guys even think of that kind of thing?

One disclaimer about having boy “space” friends: Do not. I repeat. Do NOT ask them about sex.  Men bring a totally new meaning to the phrase TMI (too much information) on that topic.

467 comments Add your comment

Lucinda

April 28th, 2010
11:09 am

Thanks, all. Good to get confirmation that my gut is prolly right so mebbes i set an auto response “i do not respond to personal email cuz if you wanna get with me you have my number” HA!

NEXT.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
11:10 am

lol carlito…..you laugh at the randoms and if it becomes an issue you delete and block…..I have done it and haven’t missed a beat…..lol….this young nupe tried me and got his feelings hurt silently when I was no longer accessible to his foolishness….lol

Dan

April 28th, 2010
11:12 am

@Kimmie

You can’t project the whole of the human experience from the few instances that you know about personally.

There are plenty of platonic male and female friends.

Leggs

April 28th, 2010
11:13 am

@Prof ~ I saw that this morning. However, even if you have a huge following on twitter or even fb, I don’t understand how one can twitter 10 mins after finding your child dead in the tub???

abc

April 28th, 2010
11:17 am

I’m not that old, Melo. Jazz players aren’t all that weird, at least not to us! :-)

My friends and I are such that we don’t really discuss heart-to-heart kind of matters. We don’t feel the need. If they were to ask me for advice about their wives or girlfriends, I’m not sure what I could tell them. I just plain don’t know their wives or girlfriends, and that’s fine with me.

Likewise, I don’t really know my wife’s friends, although they all seem to act like they know me. Which is a bit odd, because I know she doesn’t talk to them about me. If she had any men for friends, I’d run them off. I know better than that. Similarly, any female friends I’ve had have fallen to the wayside since I’m with my wife. I find that strictly platonic interest in women as friends amounts to about no interest at all, to me, anyway. That just adds to my feeling that yall’s thoughts about platonic friendships with the opposite sex are delusional.

ATLBred

April 28th, 2010
11:18 am

@kimmie – some are just insecure. I say that based on reactions they have had to other things also, not just with their dealings to me. If I’m the chick in your corner when he is about to make a misstep…I’m not trying to get at him. But you are correct that sometimes it can be shady with male and female relationships. But my experience with that is that you can kinda see when things just aren’t quite right between so-called friends. Just my Opinion.

PrincessNik

April 28th, 2010
11:20 am

She told me that my relationship was surely going to change, especially now that he was married

my best friend from high school was a guy, we were super close, birthdays a day apart, could finish each other sentences. While i was in undergrad in Columbia, he was stationed in Augusta and we were closer to each other than either of us were to home and we hung out all the time. Then he got sent to Korea, we still talked all the time, then he met his now wife and the friendship began a down hill slide. She never liked me from day one, and out of respect for him i chilled out. Then once they got married in Vegas let’s just say the last time i talked to him was three years ago after my father passed, his mom had called him so he called me, before that it had been a good minute. I would have never thought it would end up like that.

Luvbug

April 28th, 2010
11:20 am

There are plenty of platonic male and female friends.

In platonic relationships with attached people? I doubt many of them are successful w/out major space and time restrictions. If not, best believe somebody’s simmering (maybe in silence, but still).

Carlito

April 28th, 2010
11:20 am

I live a simple life. Men are men and do men type things. Women are women and do whatever they do. When the two worlds mesh everyone already knows their role :)

Professor (sort of sleepy)

April 28th, 2010
11:21 am

Leggs on ajc.com mommania blog did a posting on this a few weeks ago. I go in there from time to time. It is a different crowd and the funny thing is several of them started using my moniker. :grin: I guess I am a trendsetter, but anyway. No I don’t understand that one either, but I think the computer give folks power they normally would not use.

SexyCool

April 28th, 2010
11:22 am

Job Alert – the Office Depot on Moreland Avenue is hiring. Pass it on.

Lucinda

April 28th, 2010
11:22 am

@Kimmie “With age brings wisdom”

Let’s hope. We should learn a few things

kimmie

April 28th, 2010
11:23 am

You can’t project the whole of the human experience from the few instances that you know about personally.

Dan – I agree. But me & all of us can only speak to our experiences. Nowhere in any of my posts did I say men and women could not be platonic friends. I actually have some male platonic frineds, but I’m also very good friends with their wives. It’s a lot easier. I just said when either party gets a SO things can get tricky. To think otherwise, that everything is going to remain exactly the same, is being a bit naive, and I used to think that way. You can’t hang out all the time or talk on the phone for hours like before. The other person involved, the new SO, is not necessarily being insecure, is what I was trying to say.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
11:24 am

lol professor

kimmie

April 28th, 2010
11:25 am

ATLBred – To your 11:18, I can see that too.

kinderbabe--19 days and counting! woohoo!

April 28th, 2010
11:28 am

does anyone work at a hospital here in atlanta (emory, atlanta medical, st.jospeph’s, dekalb medical, northside) or know someone who does? looking for a connection w/a RN, LPN or hospital admin for a possible job opportunity for a Certified Nursing Assistant. thanks!

kimmie

April 28th, 2010
11:29 am

Luvbug – 11:20 – Exactly!

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
11:29 am

but if you all are in a social setting kimmie and all is dandy without screams of I think you want my man whats with the silent beef from some like I don’t want you here by some women…its a bit personal to me like some other issues exist……I was cool and hung out prior to you and will be there after you….its a social group….my take is she gets few alone time with him and wants that but hey he is who he is and that is on him…..lol

Melo

April 28th, 2010
11:29 am

@Kimmie!

My girlfriend now Queen had a male “friend” back in the day.They were “friends” be4 i got on the scene and when she introduced him as her “friend”, i kinda raised an eyebrow abut thoght that was genuine coz of her booggie background.U know, they went to better schools than me blah blah blah.
But i wasnt that intimadated coz dude was short and a bit chucky so he wasnt really a fit,just in case i had suspicisions.

So i brushed him off as posing no threat.

A few months after i got to know him,i was told he was having a wedding and i even drove my girlfriend to the wedding and picked her up later.I didnt attend.
The marriage didnt last long,not more than 1 1/2 years. When i asked Queen why she said, dude told Queen he didnt luv the chick,he confessed to luving her (Queen) instead!

I really laughed! :lol: I smashed those jewels first bro,sworry! :lol:

So i kinda agree with u and M(dot).

Its nice to have opposite sex friends but be careful.They proly are after u too but aint mustering much bravado in their moufs to say it! :lol:

Dan

April 28th, 2010
11:31 am

@Kimmie

You’re right, you didn’t. But mine was more a cautionary/general statement.

@kimmie/luvbug

I have female friends that I’ve known for over ten years, and when my relationships get serious enough, they’ve met the women involved.

Thing is to me, like a male friend, she’s just there. It’s someone to talk to that knows me well. Someone that can set me straight when I have my cape on.

All my SO’s thus far have understood that they my “buddies”. And I’d be honestly leery of someone that couldn’t/wouldn’t try to understand and respect that.

kimmie

April 28th, 2010
11:41 am

Lady J – Yeah, those are insecure, but they’d be that way with anyone, lol! It’s always some around like that. You could be his cousin, but have some pretty friends, and she’d be mean-mugging you! Some folks are just jealous period, of everyone!LOL!!

Dan – I see what you are saying. And yeah, in an instance like you mentioned, I can see where an SO tripping over someone you’ve known for awhile and just talk to occasionally could be eyebrow-raising. I was speaking of a different scenario.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
11:43 am

that is my point kimmie….every man don’t want to jump your or mine bones…..lol

I have great rapport and we are just cool…..lol thx for seeing my point

Luvbug

April 28th, 2010
11:47 am

All my SO’s thus far have understood that they my “buddies”.

Dan – If you say so, but how do you know that?

Trevor0529

April 28th, 2010
11:48 am

So why are you on the dating fence right now?

@ARed

I am in the process of finalizing my divorce after being separated for the last year. I was married for ten years (no children) so I am going to be taking really slow. While I was separated for the past year, I have been working on myself and enjoying life. Starting life over at 41 is scary, but interesting at the same time.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
11:49 am

go trevor!!!! enjoy your self journey!!!!! :)

Dan

April 28th, 2010
11:49 am

@Luvbug

I mean, I guess I don’t. But, I’ve never had a woman tell me she has a problem with it, usually because I’m upfront about my folks.

Professor (sort of sleepy)

April 28th, 2010
11:50 am

I just said when either party gets a SO things can get tricky.

@Kimmie I agree my situation was very similar to Princess and her bestie guy pal. When my friend got married things changed and we were like twins.

Leggs

April 28th, 2010
11:51 am

@kinderbabe ~ you got mail!

Leggs

April 28th, 2010
11:58 am

Had to go back and read the comments:

Welcome to Blogsvile, Trevor0529. Glad to have snatched you out of Lurkersville! You’ll enjoy the light up here so much more!

kimmie

April 28th, 2010
11:59 am

To what me & Amred were talking about earlier, about play-by-play talk with friends:

I made this mistake early in my college career. I met what I thought would be a good friend (girl) in freshman orientation. Being on a big campus & all we hung out constantly. I met a handsome sophmore & started dating. Well, I talked too much to my girl buddy. Some of the things I told her about me & my BF was repeated to some other mutual friends of ours. Not only that, she just HAD to see for herself how wonderful my man was! Yep, she tried to get with him and immediately let me know it. We ceased to be friends after that. Me & dude continued to date, but he transferred to Ga Tech & we were not that serious, so we just became friends. But I learned my lesson after that to keep my mouth shut & keep other women out of my business, even good friends.

Melo

April 28th, 2010
11:59 am

@Trevor0529!!

Welcome buddy!

U have come to the right place…

kimmie

April 28th, 2010
12:02 pm

Yep, she tried to get with him and immediately let me know it.

Meant, HE immediately let me know she was trying to get with him behind my back!

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
12:02 pm

damn kimmie it took me longer….lol i feel ya….i don’t even entertain it any more…..this was the given to kimmie my ex suppose to be bff never shared much with me and I was too blind to see that til after the fact…..you live and learn….she tries to communicate now and its not any love…..lol

Leggs

April 28th, 2010
12:04 pm

@kimmie ~ I learned early on not to talk to other girls/women about any man I was dating. I use to sit back and watch people and listen to the things they talked about over drinks and wings (e.g.). Was always amazed at how much people shared. Many of my friends growing up said I didn’t share enough about myself nor my life. Always had the stance that if you’re not taking care of me, helping me with my bills or feeding me, you don’t need to know everything about me. I have skeletons that have skeletons!!!

Luvbug

April 28th, 2010
12:05 pm

I have skeletons that have skeletons!!!

LOL!! That’s new one.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
12:05 pm

preach leggs

Carlito

April 28th, 2010
12:06 pm

When dating is it odd that your interest only has friends that are of the opposite sex male or female?

Professor (sort of sleepy)

April 28th, 2010
12:08 pm

Disclaimer…this is not for everyone

I forgot to mention that I have one male friend that is good people. I am not worried about him getting married and running away. The good thing is he does a lot of things that girls like to do so he is good to have around. Not to mention he can still think like a man, but the funny thing is I had to help him do some manly stuff when he first moved in his home. I went over there with my toolbox and he was acting all prissy. Sometimes if you can find the 1/2male 1/2female friend you have the best of both worlds. Shout out to Miss Man

kimmie

April 28th, 2010
12:10 pm

Preach Leggs! That was my way of thinking in high school. Don’t know why I slipped up early in college that time, but you don’t have to tell me twice!

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
12:10 pm

hmmmm carlito let me think on that….

kimmie

April 28th, 2010
12:11 pm

Professor – I so get you on that, nothing like a Miss Man!

Luvbug

April 28th, 2010
12:12 pm

Yep…plus SOs rarely question close relationships with Miss Man…unless Miss Man is your man’s friend.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
12:13 pm

professor you summed up my crew…..lol…..my mama calls them and some of my gf call them sissified…..they are like william on girlfriends….very successful and stand on their own but sorta suspect bc they can act bitcy….they will even tell you too…lol…..one of the guys calls the other a DIVA!!!!! They are my crew though and get plenty of play from women! LOL

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
12:14 pm

professor I am dying laughing @ you bc that is sooooooo true!!!!! lolol

Luvbug

April 28th, 2010
12:15 pm

Lady J – Besides “soft” is there an official term for that type of guy?

Trouble

April 28th, 2010
12:16 pm

@Melo:Its nice to have opposite sex friends but be careful.They proly are after u too but aint mustering much bravado in their moufs to say it!
That is the truth! I had lots of male friends–until they hit on me….or wanted to move in….or get married.

Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!

April 28th, 2010
12:17 pm

carlito it has to be a balance while my dude would be closer to his female friends he would have to have some male freinds to in the mix or I will raise my eyebrow like why……beyond friendship what are the chics offering….I say have both and each friendship is different and brings different things to you but just one population…..hmmmmm suspect

Carlito

April 28th, 2010
12:17 pm

Luvbug

April 28th, 2010
12:18 pm

Carlito some aren’t gay though…they just aren’t masculine.

JtJ

April 28th, 2010
12:18 pm

Afternoon folks,

I am sure the topic has changed, but I have no male friends in my life, whatsoever!! I always wondered how that came to be, but I guess even when I was married, I was not out and about much and never had male co-workers that I worked with directly and got close enough to become friends.

I have a couple of close girlfriends that I hang with, but other than that, my sister is my closest confidant.

I do wonder though, what it would be like to have that male perspective from time to time, and I wonder how JT would handle me having a male friend.