Dating interrupted: Why women need male friends
I have a small group of male friends that I consider like brothers. I’ve known them long enough to trust their judgment and definitely listen to their advice on dating! I don’t always like what they say, and I definitely don’t always love the way they say it. These guys mean well but they aren’t real big on tact. It’s pretty straight, no chaser kind of feedback I get from them.
When I asked one of them to go to the Nightline Face-Off debate earlier this month, I somehow got a dating lecture. Vince didn’t understand why I needed to go to any debate/forum about relationships. He seemed to think that a lot of women (read: me) sabotage our own chances with potential matches because we don’t like being happy.
I, of course don’t agree and prepared an impressive rebuttal with evidence of my concerted efforts to get coupled up. He counter argues (he’s finishing law school, a clear advantage over me) with my line up past of seedy characters and bad selections.
In my defense, I truly believe that I haven’t had major dating misadventures in the last three years. At the same time, Vince made me wonder about the little things I subconsciously do that probably are counterproductive. Such as having a crazy busy schedule and not making time for the time-worthy men I meet.
This is why it is good to have boy “space” friends. Ladies, they call you on your stuff when you need it. They do not sugarcoat no matter how much you threaten them using blackmail. Do you have people in your life who you trust to give you sage advice? I don’t just mean dating advice, but self-improvement in general? How did you come to trust this person so much?
Who do you seek out when you aren’t able to recognize the bad dating habits that are interrupting your dating life? I recall dating a man that literally had no close friends. At the time, I found it really odd but I think men are totally different in that they don’t require the same friendship connections that women do. What do you think?
Guys, do you have little to no male friends you consider your to be in your “inner circle”? Is it pretty common for a man to have no close friends? How healthy can that be emotionally? Or do you guys even think of that kind of thing?
One disclaimer about having boy “space” friends: Do not. I repeat. Do NOT ask them about sex. Men bring a totally new meaning to the phrase TMI (too much information) on that topic.
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467 comments Add your comment
abc
April 28th, 2010
10:26 am
Professor, what do you think is a barrier to people using the Internet, other than physical access? A child can use the Internet. It isn’t a matter of knowledge or savvy — the phrase ‘computer literacy’ lost meaning and fell out of the lexicon over a decade ago. There is no such thing as computer literacy anymore, outside of working in the field. Computer literacy isn’t required to be an Internet user.
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
10:27 am
Most of my main girlfriends I met in college. We NEVER did the play-by-play talk about men, even back then. We give some basic info and may go into a little more detail if things didn’t work out, like one did AFTER her divorce. If we were truly into some mess we thought was destructive or unhealthy, we would be honest with each other about it, and we have. Otherwise, we live & let live.
@ Kimmie~ same here
It's me....lurker
April 28th, 2010
10:27 am
If you’d be up-front and honest with the men you’re dating, chances are they’d tell you the truth, too.
ABC – If your SO would be straight forward, then no need for outside advice. But honestly, sometimes an ear to bounce things off of is healthy and rolling with dudes carries a different atmosphere than with women. Another reason I have male friends.
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
10:31 am
rolling with dudes carries a different atmosphere than with women
^^^^this is so true^^^^^
my friends from college were made up of a small group of chicks and a group of fella’s and we all hung out together
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
April 28th, 2010
10:31 am
Mernin… I just dropped my Best Friend Tanisha off at the airport and we have been friends for… Dang 19 yrs!! She and I had this pact along with 2 other friends that if neither one of us marries then we would buy four houses and connect the fence so we could all look after one another.. I love her to death.. She pulls my coat to all the games women play.. I also have two other female friends that I consider their advice to be in my best interest. I didnt always listen to them but when we talk and give them a scenario they are usually spot on especially Tanisha.. When she met my Ex wife before we got married she told me DK I dont know about her.. I dont think shes what you want or need.. Then after the divorce she really told me what she thought.. She said she didnt want to break it to me so harshly before I got married because she knew I was in love.. Now that I think of it Stephanie said the same thing about my EX before we got married, Hmmm.. I also do the same for all of them.. No hating just honesty cause my female friends, I know, will always tell me the 100% truth and can see thru women and their games.. They keep my coat pulled at all times..
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:31 am
Kimmie and PK that was a downfall for me lesson learned though…..it can get messy! LOL Those days are OVER! LOL
Leggs
April 28th, 2010
10:31 am
Good morning everyone!
@wondering ~ First and foremost, SexyLeggs was a name given to me. And I’m proud to say I’ve lived up to the name very well over the years. Is that a bit being conceited – YES!!!
Secondly, I’m no “trick”. No one ran Carlito off. You mad cuz you didn’t have a chance to snatch him from Julia? Go sit down!
Bet when people meet you, they’re probably (cough) “wondering” as well! Please, I promise you I will not be going back and forth with you so if you want to bicker via the computer you will be on your own!
kimmie
April 28th, 2010
10:31 am
Amred/Swiss – My close friendships are like yours too. One lives in California, the other 2 have just moved back to Atlanta after living briefly in Alaska, New Orleans, Miami, Maryland, & Denver (one is retired Air Force, the other CDC). We are all just as close as we were in college, despite all the traveling & changes throughout our lives. Love them all!
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:33 am
hey leggs!
Wondering
April 28th, 2010
10:34 am
Correction meant “sexycool”
AmazonRed™
April 28th, 2010
10:34 am
Welcome Trevor0529.
So why are you on the dating fence right now?
i'm swiss
April 28th, 2010
10:35 am
Facebook (and any other “social networking” tool) — like all technology — is what you make of it. Some folks take it waaaaaaaay too far, but it can be a useful thing if managed reasonably.
Leggs
April 28th, 2010
10:36 am
Hello LadyJ ~ what’s cooking. I guess I have arrived, I now have a hater!
abc
April 28th, 2010
10:36 am
I have never been so foolish as to listen to a woman’s advice about women. You must be joking.
A man giving a woman advice about men is just plain gay. The total of my advice to women about men comes up when they’re obviously being played but refuse to see it.
SexyCool
April 28th, 2010
10:36 am
Um, yeah…what Leggs said. LMAO!
Luvbug
April 28th, 2010
10:38 am
I know! I sensed that?? why?
Melo- I’m just private I guess. I don’t ask friends intimate details about their relationships either. I try to keep it general. While I’m typing this, I’m thinking about the last time a really close guy friend of mine made an attempt to tell me TMI.
His fiance was cheating and they were taking a break. He tried to detail what his fiance said she did with the guy she was cheating with. I had to stop him midsentence. Nope. Don’t wanna hear it.
If I heard it, my impression of her would have changed and I was pretty sure they were getting back together, so I didn’t wanna hear it. Now were he completely done with her, I would have listened and dogged her.
Ummm…and how you sense that sir?
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:38 am
swiss i agree!
leggs I like the words skeptics…..lol
AmazonRed™
April 28th, 2010
10:39 am
Most of my main girlfriends I met in college. We NEVER did the play-by-play talk about men, even back then.
Whoo chile, my girls and I were big on play by play! No holds barred just like the chicks on Sex and the City used to dissect their men.
It’s also good to see what other women are doing out there. 
Now of course, our discussions are more tame. We make better choices in men and now several of my girls are married.
But boy…was it fun to see the campus stud and know that he wasn’t working it like the ladies thought he was!
Leggs
April 28th, 2010
10:42 am
@wondering ~ ok, I’ll retract 2 of the things I said (LOLOLOL).
Kym--waiting on spring.
April 28th, 2010
10:43 am
Sigh..Somedays you have to laugh to keep from crying.. @Wondering..not that Sexycool would care..but why are you bring this foolishness to the blog so early on a Wednesday morning? I mean first you call the wrong person out and then you come back to correct your foolishness to drag yet someone else into your madness. Sexycool ignore this joker.. Crabs in a barrel..crabs in a freaking barrel.
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:43 am
lol ared! the macho football player @ that! lol
It's me....lurker
April 28th, 2010
10:44 am
Everybody is different and does things differently for their reason. Whether you’re a dude and getting insight from chicks or if you’re a chick getting insight from dudes or if you’re good with doing play by play run downs (nuh uh) with your girls or if you’re sort of keeping the meat of whatever situations between you and your SO….whatever works for you.
Leggs
April 28th, 2010
10:44 am
Good one, SexyCool!
Melo
April 28th, 2010
10:46 am
Ummm…and how you sense that sir?
@Luvbug??
I got proly 25 years on u and most of that time, a female(s) has been sleeping and breathing next to my body,so u know how that goes.
I read female body temp just fine!
ATLBred
April 28th, 2010
10:47 am
I have probably as many male friends as female. I agree with everyone else about the fact that problems come up when they get married or seriously dating. Too many insecure women….why would I suddenly want them now when you have them after I’ve known them all these years, smh.
They are good to talk to about relationships, plus I am a tomboy..so I prefer men to women anyway.
kimmie
April 28th, 2010
10:47 am
Amred – I said me & my CLOSE friends didn’t do the play-by-play! But I was notorious for listening to my LESS CLOSE friends, especially when they got a little tipsy, give me the 411 on the campus gossip & goings on! My close friends were good at it too, and then we’d compare notes!LOL!! Don’t get it twisted! We were just never interested in what was going on in each other’s beds – keep it to yourself! One was dating the other’s brother for a while too, so we sure didn’t want to hear about that!
After a point, folks got hip to my game though
They were like, “hey, you never say anything, when u gon spill the beans?” I’d be like, “Who, me?”!
Professor (sort of sleepy)
April 28th, 2010
10:47 am
Did anyone see the special about mean moms? They talked about how moms transform when they are online and become mean.
AmazonRed™
April 28th, 2010
10:49 am
lol ared! the macho football player @ that! lol
Lady J – Girl…the football player that was a one humper pumper to the frat boy who was the size of a veinna sausage! I swear I didn’t think the male member could be that small. Their stories opened me up to a world of men I still have yet to experience (thanking GOD and knocking on wood!)
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:50 am
no professor what was the reason??? I am baffeled @ the thought
AmazonRed™
April 28th, 2010
10:50 am
Amred – I said me & my CLOSE friends didn’t do the play-by-play!
Kimmie – Right. And I’m saying me and my CLOSE friends did. I would never have such convos with chicks I wasn’t close to.
Leggs
April 28th, 2010
10:50 am
You are absolutely correct, Kym! I’m wondering who wants to get froggy with me, I don’t bother nobody (lol). I too prefer laughing to arguing and/or crying!
Carlito
April 28th, 2010
10:50 am
I am Wondering who wondering is because, Leggs has never bothered me.
I have 2 people that I call friends, one is in Jail the other does not live here. I do not have a lot of female associates either. I just do not get into girl stuff or conversations with them that are to deep. Women are complicated and I can not give them good advice because I do not understand how they think. I have some female associates that are friends of my Julia, but they are her “friends” not mine, I am cordial to them.
Lady J, I am happy to see you are keeping that positive vibe going.
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:51 am
lmbao @ you ared you summed it up! lol what about the quiet studious dude though??? lol a flashback came to mind about scsu lol
Melo
April 28th, 2010
10:51 am
@DK..
I think Tanisha is awesome!
Isnt it heartbreaking but cool at the same time that she was able to dissect ur ex’s character and how that wasnt gonna work out??
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:52 am
thanks carlito!!! I am me and won’t allow internet moniker or anybody make me act out of character!!!! I am a Lady! LOL
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
10:53 am
They were like, “hey, you never say anything, when u gon spill the beans?” I’d be like, “Who, me?”!
Kimmie, yep, that’s me even now LOL, my friends from K-12 and i were hanging out recently and i only hang with them every blue moon but most of them hang all the time. And they just kept trying to figure out what was going on in my “love life”, i just smiled and said i’m good and sipped my drink.
CoolShadow
April 28th, 2010
10:53 am
It’s good to get the perspective from the opposite sex to help you navigate your relationships, especially in the early stages while the new interest is trying to become the SO. You can get insight from the confidant that you’re not quite ready to pose to the new interest. And at times, you don’t need advice but just a sounding board or a wall with ears that can simply listen but yet call you out on your flaws and missteps.
But it’s equally if not more important regarding who you designate as your confidant. If they have any interest in you then the advice they present may be slanted to help them gain favor, kind of like relationship insider trading. And if you worry about your biz hitting the streets they shouldn’t be entrusted with that kind of information.
Kym--waiting on spring.
April 28th, 2010
10:55 am
@Leggs..I will frog hop with the best of them..but really all this undercover bs..gets old.
PrincessNik
April 28th, 2010
10:56 am
CoolShadow
great post
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:57 am
pk learned that too….I haven’t said anything about that guy on othe other side of town to anyone and I amazed I haven’t bc I do talk much but I am savoring the connection we have it is between us!
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
10:57 am
yep kym it is not anything random about this blog….it is what it is…..lol
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
11:02 am
do unto others as you would have them do unto you….
kimmie
April 28th, 2010
11:03 am
With age brings wisdom.
I had an absolutely wonderful male friend in college. A few years after college, he got married. I went to his wedding. It was to a lady he had been dating long distance and I had only met her once. Anyway, when I got back from the wedding my mother asked me if me & dude were still going to be friends. I said, sure, why not? She told me that my relationship was surely going to change, especially now that he was married. I balked. She asked how would I feel if my husband was tight with some other woman? I said I wouldn’t have a problem with it, I’m not insecure. She just shook her head. But sure as my Mom said, we were not as close anymore and only spoke one other time after that. His wife was very nice, but he did not want to make her uncomfortable or even give the appearance of anything improper. If I had had a man & we hung out as couples, it would have been different.
I had a boyfriend that was good friends with a lady. Just friends, he always said. A year after we broke up they married.
A good friend of mine was engaged to this guy that had a good female friend to move to town and he told my friend she was going to move in until she found a place. My friend was uncomfortable with it and told him. He had a few rental properties he owned and she asked him why he couldn’t put her up in one of those, since they were vacant. She broke off the engagement, and you guessed it, a year later dude & female “friend” married!
So really, quit calling your male friends’ GF or wife “insecure”. Usually, she has reason to be concerned. Unless you’ve got a double-date couples friendship or a real special situation, things can just get dicey!
THE INFAMOUS DK AKA LEROY LOVING
April 28th, 2010
11:03 am
Melo – Nish saw my EX for what she was.. Men dont know women like women know women.. I like to think Im an expert on females (Hee Hee) but some of the stuff they notice about other women is crazy.. Stuff they think about is stuff a dude would never even trip on..
Carlito
April 28th, 2010
11:06 am
FaceBook is not for me. I tried it but deleted it. I accepted friend request, from some people that I have not seen since high school. One girls first message to me was “Why didn’t you give me some in high school? That caught me off guard, it was funny also. I find out that she is married currently as well then she starts posting my nickname all over my page and posting videos and stuff. Funny thing is she was a stalker back in high school as well. LOL Other things that turned me away from it were that everyone my age is not mature, I added family members etc. and they could see the crazy stuff on others pages who were added as my friends. It just was not for me, although I am sure others find it beneficial.
Luvbug
April 28th, 2010
11:07 am
So really, quit calling your male friends’ GF or wife “insecure”.
I agree.
Lady J-"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." Happy Hump Day!!!!
April 28th, 2010
11:08 am
kimmie agree to an extent but true platonic friendship among males and females are out there without malice to others or gains to be anything more….some jump the gun for no reason but you are right to a point…I even exercised your POV with my ex husband and a mutual college friend of ours and was correct in the end…..
Melo
April 28th, 2010
11:08 am
I have never been so foolish as to listen to a woman’s advice about women.
@abc??
I remember u saying waay back, u werent that close to ur relatives so i guess that strong statement means u dont have male friends to confide in, that much either,Right??
Being a musician, I wldnt be surprised coz most musicians,esp from ur era(i presume u hitting on late 50 to 60s now) are weirdos!!
Jimmy Hendrix,Carlos Santana,James Brown etc.
U gotta have a lil weirdo in u to make a jazz composition or any other type of music anyway….thats glorified chaos!
I am glad u blog here coz at least u feel like u’re at a concert,connecting with regular folks!
Luvbug
April 28th, 2010
11:08 am
One girls first message to me was “Why didn’t you give me some in high school?
LOL
Professor (sort of sleepy)
April 28th, 2010
11:09 am
@Lady J,
They said these moms have an in-person reputation so they are always nice and easy going in public, but the computer and hiding behind the screen gives them the opportunity to be catty and mean without the judgement associated to the real name and person.